Gilmore Girls s04e02 Episode Script

The Lorelais' First Day at Yale

- I've got too much stuff.
|- What? Stuff, and it's your fault.
You inculcated into me a tolerance|for rampant consumerism.
What? When did I became one of those girls|with dozens of beauty products none of which are expendable? It used to be a touch of mascara a dab of Coppertone, zip, bam, boom,|out the door.
I heard "copper" and "boom.
" Never mind.
- What's going on? We're late.
|- I'm looking for the camera.
"- Oy vey.
" She's looking for the camera.
|- I heard that.
That she hears.
It is my prerogative as your mother to record any event|in my daughter's life that I so choose.
It's in the mothers' handbook.
Does Luke know that you can't drive stick? Why? Because you borrowed his truck|and it's a stick.
I can drive a stick.
You can stir coffee with a stick|but you can't drive stick.
Okay, I am glad I did not choose to record that moment|in my daughter's life because that was just ugly.
- I want you to get there in one piece.
|- You look out for me.
Let's hit the road.
Wait.
This is it.
This is the perfect moment|I've been looking for.
This is my daughter going off to college.
|This is my shot.
Okay, fine.
Okay, I'm lining you up.
Now look candid.
The definition of candid|means the subject doesn't know the picture's being taken.
- So, forget the camera's there.
|- I'll try.
- And smile.
|- Okay.
- I'm not happy.
|- Why? - It looks posed.
|- How about this? You know the stick|we were talking about before? It looks like it's somewhere else now.
You're having serious|Annie Leibovitz delusions.
You're standing in the house.
|No one will know you're going to college.
Shall I hold a sign? You could do the "going to college" walk.
- The what?|- The walk.
The "this.
" You look like Alfalfa coming|to pick up Darla.
Here.
Hold some of your stuff.
- At least it will look like you're moving.
|- Okay.
It looks like you're taking out the trash.
- That's it.
We're going.
|- All right.
I'll have to make do with one|of the pictures I already took.
I'll put it on the computer|and then superimpose an important person standing|next to you, seeing you off like Kissinger or Lady Bird Johnson|or Pat Summerall.
Pat Summerall? - You think of somebody better.
|- Orson Welles.
It can't be a dead person.
- Pat Summerall's dead.
|- No, he's not.
Pat Summerall is dead.
No, I'm telling you he's not.
- Lady Bird Johnson is dead.
|- She's not.
- How much you want to bet?|- $5.
- Let's Google him right now.
|- Mom, Yale? Yeah, Yale can wait for us|to Google Pat Summerall.
- Come on.
|- Where are your priorities? - Hey, Luke.
|- Hey, Rory.
Isn't today Yale? - I'm going right now.
|- You look so calm.
How do you feel? A little nervous,|but a last Luke's fix before I go will help.
Today is whatever you want on the house.
- Wow, I feel important.
|- You are important.
- Where's your mom?|- She's coming.
She's having a wee bit of trouble|with your truck.
What is she doing? She backed the truck out of our driveway|all fine and everything but she couldn't|get it out of reverse, so she Backed it here? Slow but steady.
- Something's wrong with your truck.
|- Nothing's wrong with my truck.
- Stop the truck.
|- It won't go out of reverse.
- You can't drive stick.
|- Not an uncooperative stick.
My stick's not uncooperative.
|Come on, hit the brakes.
Okay.
Good luck.
I don't think it's going to happen.
- This is a misogynistic truck.
|- What? It's anti-woman.
It's gender-selective.
It's, "let's drink a beer and watch|the game and hike our shorts up.
" I've changed my mind.
|You can't borrow my truck.
- It's full of our stuff.
|- You should've hired movers.
You could've said no when|I asked to borrow it.
- You said you could drive stick.
|- Yeah, not the Joe Six-pack of sticks.
Not the "let's scratch our bellies "and eat some corn nuts|and pick our teeth.
" - Really, Luke, I can drive it.
|- Okay, fine.
Just be careful and have it back by 4:00.
-4:00ish it is.
|-4:00.
I need it at 4:00.
- Give or take-|-4:00.
He's so possessive about this stupid truck.
- It's my truck.
I possess it.
|- I'm just kidding.
I'll have it back by 4:00.
Calm down.
Okay, I'm just not in much|of a kidding mood with this other stuff going on.
- Divorce papers.
Fun, huh?|- Zero fun.
Sorry, Luke.
It's not like I wasn't expecting them.
|It's just The law firm that Nicole works for|sent them.
They could've answered|my question over the phone but they insisted on sending someone|down to see me.
- And you're not looking forward to that.
|- I'm about to build a moat of fire.
- Here you go, Rory.
|- Thanks, Caesar.
Since we're short on time,|I had them make something.
- My Yale special.
|- Share.
Sausage wrapped in a pancake|tied together with bacon.
- You made that up?|- I don't know how I do it.
- Right here.
|- What's this? A shift diagram for the truck,|nice and simple "D" is for drive.
"R" is for- - The "R" in "drive.
"|- "R" is for reverse.
- Right, "reverse.
"|- And "one" is- The loneliest number you'll ever know.
- First gear.
|- I know, Luke.
- Really, I can handle it.
|- I hope so.
- Thanks, Luke.
|- Good luck, Rory.
- Goody, a guy in a suit.
|- Good luck to you.
- Mr.
Danes?|- Unfortunately.
I'm Russell Bynes with Blodgett, Sage, Albet, Pettruccio,|Stein, Lemming and Stein attorneys for Nicole Diana Leahy.
And the sun just went down.
|Thanks for coming.
- Pardon me?|- You're wasting your time.
I had a simple question: Where do I sign? It didn't require a personal visit.
There's no place to sign|because this is a document informing the defendant|of the action being filed.
- Who's the defendant?|- You are.
- Oh, my God.
|- Didn't you read the papers? The Red Sox lost by three,|Bush is at the ranch - chatting up a Swiss dude.
|- The divorce papers.
I know what you meant.
|Look, I didn't kill anyone.
We accidentally got married|and now we want out.
We both want the same thing.
- Don't try to play me.
|- I'm too busy for this.
Fine, because I should just be dealing|with your legal representation.
I don't believe this.
Denying us your lawyer's information|will only prolong the process.
If I give you my lawyer's name,|will you leave? - I will leave.
|- Okay, ready? His name is Don Dewey.
He works at the firm|of Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe.
Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe.
- That was very immature.
|- Went well.
Tickled me.
- My bosses will want to hear this.
|- They've heard that one before.
If you want Don's number, it's 555-5555.
- I thought you were gone.
|- Nothing's where it says it is.
It's gonna be fine.
Nice - score.
|- Thank you.
And later I'll point out the seven or so fellow Yalies|who already hate you because your obnoxious mom|wouldn't let them park in the only open spot left.
Did you get the truck here okay? We had some bickering, but we made it.
Hello.
Name? I was told it was okay to hold the spot.
A guy told me.
I forget his name.
He had, like, a jacket.
It's okay, I was just wondering|what our newcomer's name is.
- Rory Gilmore.
|- Right, Rory Gilmore.
Rory Gilmore.
There you are.
Welcome to Yale.
- Hold the shake.
|- Mom.
- Wait, lens cap.
|- Sorry.
- They all do this.
|- Shake.
Got it.
- Who are you?|- I'm Tess, Rory's freshman counselor.
I'll live in the building and be there|for whatever she needs.
And you look 21, convenient for beer runs.
There's a tour for Durfee girls|you shouldn't miss.
I know, tour is at 12:00,|followed by the optional lunch internet ID distribution,|parents' reception, 11:00 to 1:00.
You memorized the schedule.
She's not weird.
|She just has a good memory.
- And I see you brought your own mattress.
|- Right.
See, the guy Name, name.
I forgot his name.
Three syllables.
He said it was okay,|and he had, like, a mustache.
It's allowed if you make arrangements to dispose of the previous one.
- Did you do that?|- Yes, we did.
Yes, good.
Get your camera ready.
- Why?|- I'm giving Rory her key.
Thanks for the warning.
- See you at the tour.
|- Yes, Tess, thank you.
- So, she's nice.
|- Yeah.
I'm dying to see your room.
Come on.
Grab a bag.
You made arrangements|to get rid of the mattress? - Yes, I did.
|- Really? Because it specifically says here|that you're supposed to make arrangements to have|the old mattress picked up before arrival.
Very grand.
So, what time|are the mattress guys coming? Later today sometime.
We have to wait in the room for them? They just let themselves in.
Here we are.
Do they have their own key? All right, I confess.
|I didn't call the mattress guys.
- What are we gonna do?|- We'll find a dumpster? - They could trace it back to me.
|- I'll be long gone by then.
- Mom.
|- All right.
We'll burn it before we dump it:|a match, a little gasoline.
We're here five minutes,|and we're already contemplating felonies.
Just like I pictured it.
Did you see an emergency exit? A fireplace, too.
|I wonder if it's wood-burning.
It says here, "Upon arrival,|please take note of the emergency exits.
" We could burn the mattress in there|and save us a trip.
- Man, a piece of my map ripped off.
|- Which one's your room? - I'm missing half of the old campus.
|- R.
G.
This is it.
If I have old campus activities today,|I'm screwed.
Here it is.
Here's where you're going to be thinking|all those impressive thoughts.
It's just waiting for your decorative stamp|and a little air freshener.
Where's the phone jack? I don't know, Jack.
|Where is the pesky phone? - Mom.
|- You're One-Note Nancy today.
Here's a place to get replacement maps.
Holy cow, it's in old campus.
All right.
That's it.
- What are you doing?|- You missed it.
Missed what? Walking into your suite|for the first time.
Do-over.
What? We're short on time here.
|We haven't unloaded.
Doesn't matter.
|You will be in the moment.
- Mom.
|- You're going to be in the moment or the rest of the map gets it.
No.
Okay, I'm here, I swear.
You're not placating me? - I'll try.
Really.
I'm all here.
|- Good.
- Here's your suite.
|- Cool.
It is cool.
It's my own space.
Yours and P.
G.
's and J.
B.
's and T.
S.
's.
And a fireplace.
Did you see the fireplace? Was this do-over justified or what? - You mentioned thoughts in here?|- All the great ones you're gonna have.
- And air freshener?|- That, too.
- Thanks for putting me in the moment.
|- My pleasure.
It's something I wouldn't want to miss.
Good.
And thank you.
For what? For pretending you're not thinking about missing your tour,|finding your phone jack navigating the old campus.
- It's my gift to you.
|- Let's unload and get you a new map.
Bless you.
Just keep in mind, guys,|the dining hall hours are cast in stone.
You snooze, you lose.
And it's a post-9/11 world,|so your ID's are important.
You'll be asked for it a lot,|so always have it.
Always, always.
It also operates the laundry machines,|and it's also your meal card.
That's right.
It's practically magic,|so don't lose it.
If you're stupid enough to get ripped,|I'm here to help but I do not hold buckets,|if you get my drift.
Now, pay attention to street parking.
|It is severely restricted in most places.
Walk or take the shuttle when you can.
First floor, Durfee.
Third floor, Bingham.
- They're babies.
|- Tots.
Third floor, Bingham,|through the gate, make a left.
Get an Internet ID|whether you think you'll use it or not.
It'll be "your name at yale.
edu,"|and there's no changing what you get.
- You think there's gonna be a test?|- Probably not.
You were joking.
Good one.
No bottlenecks, girls.
There's about 100 behind you|waiting for the same stuff.
Do not get precious about|your ID pictures.
They are what they are.
You get that down,|"They are what they are"? - I'll remember.
|- Next.
- That would be you.
|- What? - It's picture time.
|- Sorry.
I didn't think pictures were today.
|Do you mind if I take a second? Always have your keys.
Never open the door to someone|you don't know.
Walk in twos at night.
That's it.
Any questions? Later on, you'll have questions.
|I'll be around.
Now go do stuff.
Rory, are you back? - Who's that?|- I don't know.
She just followed me here|like a puppy dog, without saying a word.
Maybe she's lost.
Or my new suitemate,|who I'm already off to a swell start with.
Do you know you're vulnerable|to venereal disease? All hail to the queen of non sequiturs.
This parent orientation|I went to was a litany of horrors awaiting college freshmen.
You have to carry a whistle, a flashlight a crucifix, and a loaded glock at all times.
We should go.
She'll think we're hiding.
Just don't shake hands with her.
Bacteria.
- Or tell her where you live.
|- Too late.
- You touched the door.
|- Good grief.
- Say something.
|- What? Anything.
Go.
- Hi.
|- Hi.
- I'm adopted.
|- You're up.
- What's your name?|- Tanna Schreck.
Tanna Schreck.
|We're making some progress.
Hi, Tanna Schreck.
I'm Lorelai.
|This is Rory.
- She'll be living here, too.
|- We're suitemates.
As they're ransacking your room professional thieves start|at the bottom drawer and work their way up.
That way they don't have to close drawers|before opening the next.
Saves time.
So, no storing your valuables|in the bottom drawer.
Got that, Rory? Good tip, Tanna.
Thanks.
I'm not great|at extemporaneous speaking so I've memorized|some conversational facts I can whip out at a moment's notice.
When I get to know you better I'll memorize some facts|more specific to your person.
- Tanna, how old are you?|-16.
-16?|- On Tuesday.
- Happy birthday, Doogie.
|- Thank you.
- And where are your parents?|- At the hotel.
Mom's napping.
Dad's getting the schvitz.
We still have some more stuff to do but maybe your parents will be here later.
I'd love to meet them.
Yeah, they make|a very good first impression.
I'm sure they do.
See you later, kiddo.
Bye.
- Rory?|- Yeah? - You nervous?|- Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Good.
- Odd, but nice.
|- I'll take it.
So, this is it.
This is it.
- Learn a lot of stuff.
|- I'll try.
And, you know, keep in touch.
We'll at least exchange Christmas cards.
With a letter about|what's happened over the year.
- And a current photo.
|- Don't joke.
- You started it.
|- I was masking my pain.
- You'll see plenty of me.
|- It's not enough.
- How about tons?|- That's better.
I love you.
Did you know that? I always suspected it.
Excuse me.
- A little fridge.
|- It's cute.
- I want one.
|- Go get yourself one.
- For you.
I want one for you.
|- I don't need one.
For sodas and stuff|when things are closed - late-night cram sessions.
|- It would come in handy.
Let's see what these people have|going on.
- Mom.
|- A rug.
A rug for your room to make it cozy.
- And a vase of flowers.
|- The flowers will just die.
They've a vase of the most beautiful|fake flowers I've ever seen.
- Trash cans.
|- You're right.
And a fan.
I've been remiss.
- No.
|- I have another trip to make today.
No, you've done enough today.
I want you fully outfitted and settled for your first night,|or I won't sleep.
We can get it all later.
No.
Unpack the skimpy amount|of stuff I've gotten you so far and I'll be back in a couple of hours.
|Copper boom.
What? You said it when you tried to speed me up.
You missed some stuff in between.
I think it's catchy.
Go.
Unpack.
- Copper boom.
|- Copper boom.
Mom.
Copper boom.
Hey, Luke.
- Shoot me.
|- Now, or maybe later so you're surprised? Mr.
Danes, a marriage contract|is a contract just like any other.
As the higher wage earner,|Nicole wants a fair settlement.
But I want nothing,|so there's nothing to settle Mr What's your name again? - Stein.
|- I thought you were Stein.
- I'm Stein as well.
|- I'm confused.
I'm an impatient man, a busy man,|a sensible man, a skeptical man.
You're four different men?|Are they all named Stein, too? One thing I've learned in this business is that no one wants nothing.
Why won't you hire a lawyer? Lawyers waste time and money.
|They're needless middlemen who slither into vulnerable people's lives so they can clamp on, suck like leeches until everyone but them is distraught|and penniless.
I can see why the marriage went bad.
Here's fair warning,|if you don't hire a lawyer you could wind up getting|absolutely nothing.
- That's what I want!|- There he goes again.
- Maybe we should get Sage and Albet.
|- Pettruccio, too.
They're going to multiply, like the Matrix.
Tell them.
- Tell them what?|- Who is this? - This is Lorelai.
|- Are you an attorney? - No, she's carbon based.
|- Then what's her role? - Be my character witness or something.
|- Right.
Okay.
Well, I can vouch for this man.
I mean, I know he cared for Nicole and, apparently, they both got a little rash.
I mean, not an "apply to infected area|twice daily" rash.
I mean rash in that they hastily|entered into a union.
We know all this.
But if you think he married her|to get something I know that's not true.
He's basically a hermit|and happy to be one.
I'll show you his place upstairs.
|You'd expect Hari Krishnas to jump out of the bathroom|banging tambourines.
All he likes is fishing|and watching baseball and he's got a reel, and he's a got a TV so he's all set,|so when he says he wants nothing I know he means it because when I think of Luke Danes,|I think nothing.
Mr.
Blodgett, Steins I and ll, there you go.
Your choice of character witness|does nothing to allay our concerns.
- Sorry.
|- Bottom line: time.
If we do not receive a response,|we're going to kick this up a notch.
There is something I want,|but I've been holding back.
- As we suspected.
|- Let's hear it.
Nicole and I went on a cruise, right? - Yeah.
|- The first night on the boat we went to see|an act everyone was raving about.
We go in, sit down, they close the door.
It was a guy|playing musical drinking glasses with the half-filled cups|that make different tones.
He played Mozart and I swear I could hear Mozart banging on his coffin.
Out of politeness, we stayed,|and there went an hour of our lives.
Next night, the sign at the theater said the entertainment for the night|was a guy singing the songs of Sinatra.
We verified with the guy at the door the songs of Frank Sinatra, right? Not Tina, not Frank Jr.
, not Bill Sinatra,|but "Ol' Blue Eyes.
" "Yes," he says,|"it's like Frank come to life.
" We go in, sit down, they close the door then they announce that|the guy singing Sinatra is sick and the glass-playing guy is filling in.
Out he comes.
There goes another hour.
Next night we meet a nice couple|while walking the lido deck.
Have some nice conversation,|so we have dinner with them.
Everything's going great.
Then they invite us|to go somewhere afterwards.
Guess where they took us? That's right.
To see the glass guy.
Three nights in a row.
Three hours total.
That's what I want.
|I want those three hours back.
- We'll have to confer on this.
|- Maybe do a productivity study.
Yeah, get Blob, Fromm,|and Pinocchio in there, too.
- We'll get back to you.
|- I have no doubt.
- Wow.
|- I'm exhausted.
- Sorry I barged in like that.
|- Trust me, the interruption was welcome.
So, did you check the clock?|It's not yet 4:00.
- Rory's safe and sound?|- Safe and sound.
And the truck? You wrecked it.
- It's not wrecked.
|- I don't see it.
- It's around the corner.
|- You wrecked it.
No, but I need to use it a while longer.
Because you wrecked it|and it's in the shop.
You really can't afford to alienate|your chief character witness.
It's full of stuff.
Why didn't you unload it? I did.
This is my second load.
You didn't say anything about that.
I didn't know I had to till I realized what a piker I'd been compared|to the other moms.
It's still running.
Yeah, turns out that ignition key is just as misogynistic as|that stick shift of yours.
You just have to jiggle it a little.
You didn't mention any jiggling.
- It's common sense.
|- Oh, that.
Why is the mattress still there? That's not "the" mattress,|that's "a" mattress.
- What?|- Rory has the new mattress.
That's the Yale-supplied mattress|that has microbes in it that date back to Henry Box Brown.
What will you do with it? I was thinking maybe you could|store it for me? - No.
|- Come on.
- No.
|- I can't take it back to Yale.
I'm not storing your microbe mattress.
Then I'm stuck here.
- I need my truck.
|- That leaves you with the mattress.
- I'm not taking it.
|- Then let me take the truck.
- Then you take the mattress.
|- I can't take it.
- Then you can't have the truck.
|- That sticks you with the mattress.
If you take the truck,|it comes with the mattress.
- I can't take it.
|- You can't have the truck.
That sticks you with the mattress.
- We've been here before.
|- I recognize that tree.
Come on in.
- Another suitemate has arrived.
|- Yeah? She's a little weird.
|I've already forgotten her name.
- I'm a disaster with names.
|- That's okay.
It's the name of a city,|like Athens or Rome or something.
I'm sure things can be rearranged.
|I mean, why not? It's a dorm.
You're supposed to.
- Paris?|- Yeah, that's it.
- How shocked are you?|- Do you have a resuscitator? I'm going to Yale.
And we're suitemates.
- Of all the gin joints.
|- Give me a hug.
Wait.
Give me a hug.
This is a massively big surprise.
I was going to call, and then I thought let's wait and be right in her face.
I can't even feel my face anymore.
- This is a good thing.
|- Yes, definitely a good thing.
It's just my nose.
It feels like clay.
- This is Terrence.
|- Hello.
- It's nice to finally meet you, Rory.
|- Terrence is my life coach.
- Your what?|- Don't judge.
I'm not.
Remember my nanny?|I lost her over the summer.
I'm sorry.
What happened? She opened a pupuseria in Boise.
- So, she's okay.
|- Yeah, but I was pretty lost.
Then my rabbi conferred|with my therapist who said a hypnotist he knew thought a life coach would be right.
|That led me to Terrence.
He's here to assist me|with whatever I need from wardrobe to diet|to finding a kick-ass gynecologist.
- That's great, Paris, really.
|- He's done so much for my people skills.
I can cope with the little annoyances now.
For instance, the old Paris would've been bothered|by your penchant to hover.
It'd have made her want to wring|your neck till your eyeballs popped out.
But now I accept it because|I can't control everything.
- Paris Geller.
|- That's Tanna.
In medieval times surnames reflected a person's origin|or occupation so they were descriptive|as well as utilitarian.
And what does Tanna mean? - Nothing.
|- We're gonna have some fun this year.
Thank you.
- How's your face?|- Better, thanks.
- Is that my room?|- If your initials are P.
G.
, it is.
- Terrence, I got my southern exposure.
|- I'm a happy camper.
It's a weird coincidence|that we're roommates like this.
Not really.
I told Terrence|all about our history and he felt very strongly|that our life journey was not complete so my dad made a call.
Luke, this was so nice of you,|giving me a hand like this.
- It was above and beyond the call of duty.
|- Don't start this again.
- I'm not starting anything.
|- Good.
- I mean, if you just stored the mattress.
|- That's where we're not starting.
What? It was your choice to come along.
If I wanted the safe return of my truck|without the mattress, guaranteed - this was the only way.
|- I miss our friendship.
We used to be so close.
Summers at the lake.
Let's just move along here, okay? - Hi, there.
|- Hello.
- Is that your mattress?|- Well, yeah.
- The tag has a Yale stamp.
|- When I said it was mine, it's not mine.
It belongs in the dorm.
We were just driving it around|New Haven for a while.
- To air it out.
|- Okay.
- We're going to take it right back in.
|- Great.
- Thanks for jumping in.
|- You seemed to have a handle on it.
- What do we do now?|- Unload.
With the mattress.
|What do we do with the mattress? Hi.
Saw you coming.
- What's up?|- You just have to see it.
- No.
|- Yes.
- Paris?|- And Terrence, her life coach.
- Like on Oprah?|- Yes.
- No!|- Yes.
They're setting up her crafts corner.
- No.
|- Yes.
- Lorelai!|- Hi, Paris.
It's so good to see you.
- Same here.
|- Terrence, this is Lorelai.
- Hi, Terrence.
|- Nice to meet you, finally.
You and I have a bit of a journey left|to finish as well.
- I'll clear my schedule.
|- I was just setting up my crafts corner some mosaic tile, some colored beads,|still kind of kids' stuff but Terrence showed me|how working with my hands could help with my nerves.
- Where are we going to put the couch?|- Why don't- - Paris.
|- Come on, Terrence.
Two steps forward, three steps back.
- She was baiting me.
|- Fish can choose not to bite.
We'll figure it out.
- Is this the place?|- Yeah.
This is the place.
Hold it a minute.
|You cannot bring that thing in here.
I'm not taking it back out.
- Hi, Rory.
|- Hi, Luke.
No, we're unloading bags and boxes first.
Tess already had her antennae up|about the mattress and wouldn't stop watching me.
|I had to do something.
Wait until she's gone|and then bring it back out.
It's heavy.
The only way I got it in is with help from Chip, his real name,|believe it or not.
Now I have to help him unload his stuff|because that was the deal.
No, you don't.
Blow him off.
He's probably busy taping|his Carmen Electra poster up on the ceiling above his bed.
The mattress stays.
|Now, if you'll excuse me, Chip is waiting.
No.
My glue gun leaked on my macaroni.
Compartmentalize and breathe.
Let's get this thing out of the hallway.
I got a crisp Benjamin Franklin for anyone willing to disappear|a mattress, no questions asked.
- Start pushing.
|- Anyone? Come on.
Two Benjamins? Hold on.
Anything else you need,|you'll write it down, okay? I've got more than I need.
|Stuff I don't need.
- It's all necessary stuff.
|- The disco ball? You cannot host your much-anticipated "Salute to Barry White" night|without a disco ball.
I forgot I was anticipating that.
|Where's Luke? He's already out at the truck.
So, this is it.
- This is really it.
|- Learn a lot of stuff.
- I'll try.
|- You'll be a frequent visitor? - I'll be a frequent visitor.
|- You can use the washer and the dryer.
- I don't need any inducement.
|- Good.
- But don't get rid of that washer and dryer.
|- I won't.
"- Ciao," baby.
|- Bye, Mom.
So, Chip is like,|"Set your side down first" I'm like, "My side is the side|with the leg missing.
It's going to collapse.
Put yours down.
" He's like, "I'm losing my grip" which is his excuse with everything|we carried in the TV, the stereo speakers,|and I was like- Oh, my God.
Will you, like, get over this? What's that? My pager.
- No.
|- What? "Come back.
" - What?|- It's from Rory.
It says, "Come back"|with a dozen exclamation points.
- Move.
|- What are you doing? - I gotta borrow your truck.
|- No way.
I got to go back.
Take your own car.
Remember that? It'll take too long to get it,|plus I'm out of gas plus it makes noises|and can't take a long trip.
- Please, Luke.
|- I need my truck.
- I need it more.
|- You've had it all day.
- Don't you care about Rory?|- Of course I care about Rory.
- Have it back by 7:00.
|- Thanks, Luke.
- That's reverse.
|- I know.
Rory? Oh, honey.
- Look at this.
|- Look at what? Four hours at Yale|and I'm already homesick.
That's okay.
All I could think the minute|you left was "I want my mommy.
" I haven't thought that since I was two.
- That's natural.
|- I'm 18.
I can sign contracts.
I can vote.
|I can fight for my country.
I'm an adult.
|Adults don't want their mommies.
Yes, they do.
I'm not a good example, but- Everything's so foreign.
|I have to share a bathroom.
I've never shared a bathroom|with anyone but you.
I'll be running into people in the bathroom.
We'll have to make small talk.
|I don't know bathroom small talk.
- "Your hair smells terrific"?|- You didn't socialize me well.
You made me a mama's girl.
|Why don't I hate you? Why don't I want to be away from you? It's going to be very hard|to be Christiane Amanpour broadcasting live from|a Tehran foxhole with my mommy.
You'll have to learn to operate a camera|'cause I need you there.
- I would do that.
|- And how did I end up at Yale? I mean, I let Grandma and Grandpa|manipulate me right out of Harvard and into Yale.
That's how strong-willed I am.
|I know nothing about Yale.
Not so.
You've memorized its history.
How can you be fine with this?|You left without a care in the world.
- That's not true.
|- You wanted me out of the house.
What were you doing when I paged?|Turning my room into a sewing room? I should hate you, not miss you.
|Make me hate you.
Go, Hitler.
- Check this out.
|- Your student ID? I'm blinking,|and my head's in a funny place.
- No, it's not.
|- I look like Keith Richards at Altamont.
- Check out the name.
|- Roni Gilmore.
Yeah, I don't even exist.
|How did they get "Roni"? That's not even close|to being short for any girl's name in the history of the entire planet.
Veronica, actually.
Sorry.
Great.
Now you are apologizing to me|after I made you come back all this way because I'm a big, fat,|stinking mama's girl.
- Mom.
|- I'm here.
- You're not supposed to be.
|- Where is it written? It's not exactly written,|but it's clearly implied that the parents should|leave the campus at some point.
Yeah, at some point,|so we choose the point.
- Can you stay for dinner?|- I can stay all night.
- No, you can't do that.
|- Why not? Then I'm the pathetic person|who needs her mother to stay all night and everyone here|will see and know that.
- So I won't spend the night.
|- No, stay the night.
Okay.
I've got Balinese.
Where does Bali go? We're still putting everything|in geographic order, east to west.
- That's the system.
Where is Bali?|- Indonesia.
Is Indonesia east or west|of the Philippines? - East.
|- No, west.
- We've got Singapore here somewhere.
|- Find Sri Lanka.
- It's a bit over.
|- No Sri Lankan food.
Just put it by Vietnam.
- Is it east or west of the Philippines?|- You guys really need to go to college.
We ordered too much food.
The point is we need a wide cross-section|for our local takeout test.
I still smell glue from your glue gun.
- You're rich, you know that?|- What is this? You've eaten Indian food I see nothing|about Indian food on the chart.
The point of getting all|within delivery distance is so we can judge quality|of food, speed of service cuteness of delivery guys|on a scale of one to 10.
We cannot work from memory on this.
- Where's the phone?|- Under Mexico.
- I bet it's the pizza.
Come help.
|- Okay.
- Hello, eight and a half.
|- I'm sorry? Nothing.
We need to sign|for the credit card? Yes.
Thank you.
We're four people,|and we've ordered for, like, 400.
So, what you're saying|is you want to crank it up you want to set it off put a match to the keg,|burn this mofo down? - Just that it's a lot of food.
|- Attention, Durfee girls! - Mom.
|- Food and tons of it in Suite 5! Bring your appetites.
Bring your opinions.
And, someone bring some music but if it's Evanescence,|you'll be severely mocked.
Enter, rejoice, and come in.
Ice cream man.
- Here you go.
|- Thanks.
Have a nice night.
You, too.
Do me a favor.
Count to 10 before you leave.
- Sure.
|- Thanks.
Rate him.
Where does ice cream stand|in our organizational system? Our organizational system broke down|about an hour ago.
- Germany fell on China.
|- That's Germany for you.
We're out of Chinese completely,|so we know Chinese is popular.
Freddy's Happy Tokyo Takeout|is a bust.
That's a consensus.
Let's lose Freddy's menus, although|Ang, the delivery guy, was a solid nine.
If you're going to go to Baja Bill's get the cheese quesadilla|and ask for Stan or Tommy.
If you don't get Stan or Tommy,|go to Paco's Tacos.
The delivery guys are butt-ugly,|but the food's better.
Look at all these girls together|in one room, having fun.
We should dance and sing|a Motown song into our hairbrushes.
- So, do you like your adoptive parents?|- Yeah.
I think it's good to be adopted.
If you get sick of them you just dump|this set and go find the originals.
- This is awesome.
|- Thanks.
- Who did all this?|- The woman with the hairbrush.
You guys, come on.
|I know it's cheesy, but just a couple bars You Can't Hurry Love.
Someone's gotta do it.
|It doesn't have to be on key.
It's lacking in storage space,|but I have accepted it.
It's a bit musty, but I've accepted it.
Small, but I've accepted it.
Listen, I should be going.
Jamie, Terrence is not here.
|He's back in his room.
Right, me and Terrence,|that's a possibility.
I really got to go, okay? I will.
Good night.
Has he met Terrence? Nope, and he's not going to|for as long as I can help it.
- I fixed your shower head.
|- Really? It was barely dribbling out.
It just needed a twist.
|You got a waterfall now.
- You're so handy.
|- And my rates are reasonable.
- My turn?|- It's all yours.
- No, you sleep on the new mattress.
|- But it's yours.
They're both mine.
I choose.
|I'll sleep on the Yale mattress.
You have to break in your new mattress.
If it molds to my body,|your shorter body will be wallowing in the hollowness of my body.
- In one night?|- It's the crucial night, that first night.
Okay, but my offer still stands.
If you get the heebie-jeebies|in the middle of the night, come join me.
That'll get the girls talking.
We'll be those dirty, filthy,|almost French Stars Hollow girls.
We spit on you you repressed, puritanical ninnies.
We smirk in your general direction.
We cast sidelong glances that are vague|but slightly threatening.
We eschew your quaint double entendre for the appealing lasciviousness|of the entendre singular.
We I'm out.
Me too.
Get the light.
- Did I tell you I found good coffee?|- No.
Where? Little kiosk by the library.
I found it on the way|to that parents' thing.
- I'll circle it on the map for you.
|- Good.
Was that some guy howling? I don't know.
It sounded like it.
Sounds like the guys' floor|had some fun tonight, too.
I'd say so.
Mom.
If no one answers him, he may never stop.
Or it'll get a bunch of other|guys howling, one or the other.
Oh, boy.
It's fun.
It is fun.
So, what's first on the agenda today? I thought I might walk around|and get the lay of the land a little bit and then I have|my big freshman assembly.
Where they teach you|the secret Yale handshake? Amongst other things.
Oh, my God.
Check out Paris' craft corner.
She gets more done before 9:00|than other people do all day.
She's a craft person now,|it's not safe to leave anything around.
Maybe that's where "crafty" comes from.
Good point.
All right.
I should go.
I called Luke last night and he said to get the truck back|by two hours ago so if I leave now,|it's sooner than I planned.
Thank Luke a lot for me, okay? Okay.
Say goodbye to Paris and Tanna.
Will do.
So, this is really it.
Yep.
- You good?|- I'm good.
Just keep the pager with you.
Always.
- You're late.
|- I'm sorry.
I told you to get it back|three hours before I actually needed it back,|and it worked out.
- You rat.
|- So, it's in park? It's in park.
- Engine's off?|- Yes.
Here are your keys.
And thank you, Luke.
I've been a huge burden on you|the past couple days.
It's okay.
I don't believe it.
It's like a horror movie.
The mattress that wouldn't|leave my truck.
- I had no choice.
|- I may cry.
- Don't do that.
|- I don't want this.
Help me take it somewhere.
Where? To the conveniently located|mattress drop-off station right around the corner? - Or store it for a while.
|- I wasn't kidding about crying.
I'll call a charity and have them pick it up.
|This time I mean it.
Where's my spare tire? - There was a spare tire?|- I had my spare tire here.
We must have accidentally unloaded it|on one of our trips.
Could you try to get it back? Yes, as long as Paris hasn't|made it into a planter yet.
Or I'll buy you a new one, I promise.
Okay.
I'll see you later.
Okay.
Bye.
Rory says thanks for everything, too.
|She said specifically to tell you.
Okay, good.
So she's okay? - She's fantastic.
|- Good.
- You're up?|- I was up.
Come on in.
We Lorelai'd a few places|and found the good coffee.
- Lorelai'd?|- Checked places out.
Seems like the appropriate word.
We found decent muffins, too,|but I bet there's better.
- Lorelai them another time.
|- This is thanks for last night.
- It was a perfect first night.
|- I thought so.
Want to come|to freshman assembly with us? Then we're all going to conveniently|lose our student ID's and take new pictures.
- I'm so with you on that one.
|- Cool.
This is really good.
Kiosk by the library? - You found it first.
|- Kind of.
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