Girlfriends Guide To Divorce (2014) s05e02 Episode Script

1 Female announcer: Previously on "Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce.
" I'm in love with you, Mike.
I want to wake up and see your face.
I don't want to see you pack a bag and leave.
I can't accept this.
And it's not because I don't love you or want to have a baby with you.
I just don't want to get married.
Kids, I want to introduce you to somebody.
- Hey.
Tony.
- Uncle Tony.
He's going to be staying with us for a little while.
Why not pretend just for one night that the world and our jobs don't exist.
Whatever you decide, I understand.
I think it would feel really good.
We're really doing this? - Yeah.
Our house in the middle of our street No, Jake, it will be great to see you.
Yeah and meet her.
All right, bye.
Ooh, Barcalounger.
- You like? - Yeah.
- How's the renovation coming up there? - They are on break because apparently you can't hang drywall if there's a two percent change of rain.
- You're cute when you're happy.
- [laughs.]
Is it because I'm finally meeting Jake and his girlfriend? Natalie? Oh, well, no.
By the way, you're barely going to see them.
He's not going to want to hang out.
He's just going to want Q time with the kids.
I'm looking forward to some Q time.
- [laughs.]
- I love that.
[kissing.]
But first I have to get ready because I'm meeting the girls, and as soon as I brush we're going to go shopping for Jo's birthday present.
Later, Sexy Time Man.
[makes gun noise.]
You know, you look like George Clooney when you do that.
Is that is that sexy? I'm not sure.
Let me see.
Yeah, try it out.
Whoa! Barcalounger! Do what I got to do.
Okay, you're scaring me.
It is a birthday.
It is not a build out.
What are you planning? Nothing.
Just a petting zoo.
You can't do anything that violates the health code.
What, you're worried the stray baby goat pellets will be confused for raisins? Show me what's in that notebook.
I'm not showing you what's in the notebook.
- No! You can't see the notebook.
- Show me that notebook.
- It's going to be a surprise.
- Show me that notebook! - No! - Please.
I Meryl! Wow! I could smell you anywhere.
Bulgari with a blast of subway tunnel.
Come here.
Oh, Jo.
- Sweetie, how are you? - Grandma, grandma.
Oh, Zooey, you are the most delicious thing in this bakery.
So, Meryl, this is my partner my boy, my guy Albert.
Oh, uh, Mom, Grandma knows about Albert.
Oh, okay.
Meryl.
Meryl Frumpkis.
The mother-in-law.
[laughs nervously.]
So, you're redecorating again? I mean, you've got the Rize, you've got the Shyne.
Actually, we're not renovating.
Albert's planning a semi-surprise birthday for me.
I know the where and when, I just don't know the what.
Yeah, Jo said she hadn't had a birthday party since she was nine, so.
I'd love to see that.
- Well, you should come.
- I'm sure she has plans.
Plans.
What plans? I came in to get my eyes fixed.
So, I'm going to be holed up at the Beverly Hills Hotel.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Recovery suite.
- Oh my.
Thank you, Albert.
You're so menschy.
- I live to mensch.
- Aw.
Yo, save any Uncle Tony the Tiger Flakes? What's up, goose? Whoa, Uncle Tone, that tattoo is lit.
What is it? Can you please put on a t-shirt? Did you draw it? No, a tattoo artist did.
A tattoo artist in Chino? Chino? How do you know about Chino? That's where Uncle Tone used to live.
And the town where I'm definitely going to get my friendship tattoo.
Okay.
Lunches.
Carpool outside.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Kiss your mom.
Come on.
Oh, bye.
[kissing.]
Have a good day at school.
[kissing.]
You can't just come down in the morning flashing your prison tats.
I mean, wear a t-shirt like a normal human being.
I'm just not comfortable with the kids being exposed to that sort of thing.
Well, fair enough.
I'm not comfortable lying.
I've been staying here three weeks, all right.
It's going to be shitty enough when I have to tell 'em I'm a con.
I add liar to the list, it's going to make it a lot harder.
Yeah, well, it's going to be harder if they blab your story to everybody before they get to meet you, that's all.
Okay.
Now we're getting to it.
I haven't met any of your friends yet because you think I'm bad PR.
That's not what I said.
Well, maybe your friends would be more comfortable if they met me at a fundraiser for at-risk youth.
You can tell 'em I was held back.
[sighs.]
[energetic music.]
I mean, it's unbelievable.
I'm going to get a call from the school any day saying that Luco was drawing pictures of bloody switchblades, and Tony doesn't get it.
- He thinks that I'm embarrassed by him.
- Are you? You have been playing kind of a cover-up.
[gasps.]
Faux fun fur.
It feels too real.
It feels too real.
I just don't want anyone to get invested because he's probably not sticking around for long, that's all.
These are doinky.
Little crystal bathroom accessories.
I think Jo's more a mouth under the faucet type.
Yeah, but it's not for her.
I'm just trying to gussy up the house before Mike and the kids move in.
Oh, I didn't know that he was the Holly Golightly type.
Really, I thought they were more like hotel-y and sexy.
No, whatever.
I'm just trying to find things fast.
I want to get the place all ready while the kids are in Vancouver with Jake and Natalie who are flying in today.
What? Bomb drop.
You're meeting the girlfriend? Guys, I've been at this divorce game for quite a while now.
It's great that Jake is in a relationship.
I'm in a relationship.
He's been really cool about the whole McBrady move-in.
Whatever, we're at a new level.
Oh, what's the game called? Cocky divorcee? - Ooh.
- I'll have a kiss.
I don't understand the elephant.
Well, you know, they're really lucky, and they're easy to talk to.
Tell you guys things like "I'm gonna have a baby.
" What, are you pregnant? No, no, relax.
[laughs.]
I talked to my OB, and I've decided that I'm going to get a sperm donor.
- Wow.
Oh.
- Why? Well, because I just realized after the Paul fail that it makes no sense to wait for the right person.
I'm not looking for the right person.
I'm looking for the right baby.
And I don't want to miss out on the whole making a life chapter.
Look, the upside is I get to be in control of everything, which is a great balance of power for me.
For instance, I get to pick the perfect genes to mix with mine.
So, I'm doing it.
On my own.
Well, you're not going to be on your own.
- No.
- Because we will be here for you offering you terrible advice.
Just whenever you need it.
Thank you.
Because I could really use some terrible advice.
I've been going through the profiles.
It's really overwhelming.
Okay, well, I'll help you pick.
And whoever I pick just pick the opposite.
- [laughs.]
- Oh.
It's a sad story.
- So sad.
[laughs.]
[knocking.]
Kids, your dad is here.
Charlie, Lilly! [knocking.]
[sighs.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
Wow, this look is so directory.
Well, something.
Um - Abby.
- Natalie.
My brain just like fried for a second.
I couldn't.
You two had the same face.
It's so great to finally meet you in person.
- You too.
- Though how else would we meet? - [all laugh.]
- In animal? - In vegetable? - In facsimile? [awkward laughter.]
Okay, what are we doing out here? Let's all come in.
Come in here.
- Go ahead.
- Hello! - Hi.
- Hello.
- Daddy! - Hey! - Hi, Lee.
- Hey, Lee.
- Hey, Lee.
Lee, what is Lee? We all have "lee" as our last syllable.
- Oh.
- [laughs.]
Oh, check it out.
You guys are wearing the same shoes.
- Oh my God.
- Wow! - Well.
- Wow.
- We know we have the same taste.
- Yeah.
[laughs.]
Where are we going for dinner, Dad? Uh, we were thinking about going to 800 Degrees.
You make your own pizza.
Sweet.
- Pizza and squash blossoms.
- On pizza? Yuck! - You loved it last time.
- Yeah.
- I hated it.
- He likes it.
- It's good.
- Ding, ding, ding.
I just had a brilliant idea.
Wah, wah.
Mike is driving home right now with pizza from Vito's.
So, stay.
We can all have Vito's together.
You know, Abby, you shouldn't Don't bother, you guys should have your dinner.
- It's no bother.
No bother.
- Have your dinner with Mike.
It would actually be really nice to get to know Natalie a little bit better before the two of you flee off to Canada with our children.
Your call.
- Your call.
- Your call.
I - Your call.
- Your call, your call.
[laughs.]
My call! Come on.
Stay! Everybody gets to meet Mike.
This is so much more fun.
I'm going to get the plates.
I love it.
I love this plan.
- Sure? All right.
- Yeah, yeah.
Ah, I'm dying of thirst, dad.
Okay, I'm trying to figure out which is the carbonator and which is the carbonator block.
Directions supplied by NASA.
He's very bad at getting directions, but he's good at giving them.
Part of the deal dating a director.
[laughs.]
So this house is just fantastic.
- Thank you.
- It's so lofty and open.
Mom thinks it doesn't have enough walls.
I'm putting up some drywall in his room, so that Charlie and Asher can feel like they have their own space.
You going to put a wall in Lilly's room too? Simone's going to get my room, and I'm going to move into the guest house.
[both laugh.]
The guest house that's not actually attached to the house or within earshot? It was her idea.
Yeah! I bet it was her idea.
What teenager doesn't want to be emancipated? Can you maybe just buy some cherry cola? Do you have to have a soda machine? It's like - Hello, hello! - Hi.
Everybody, this is Mike, my boyfriend.
- Hey.
- How's the party going? I just thought since everybody's here it would be easier.
A warning text would've been nice.
I would've gotten something other than one pineapple pizza.
- Whoo! - Not pineapple.
Hey, man.
Jake.
What's up? - Pleasure, man.
- Oh, hey.
- Nice to meet you.
Pleasure.
- Good to meet you too.
Uh, well, I'm about to impress you all by pulling out a half dozen marbleized rib-eyes that I got in the freezer.
Nice, I'm on drink duty, although this soda machine is making me it's be-yatch, man.
[Natalie laughs.]
I Googled it, babe.
Just twist the cartridge to the right.
Natalie, ixnay on the Ooogle-gay elp-hay because Jake hates it.
- Oh.
- [fizzing.]
- Oh.
- Genius woman.
[kissing.]
[pouring.]
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
[hands clapping.]
Abby, I love all your mid-century furniture.
And the witty anachronistic recliner.
- Thank you.
- Is that thing a Barcalounger? Uh, guilty.
That is my lucky chair.
Yeah, Arizona State can't win the duel in the desert unless Mike is sitting in his lucky chair, and it doesn't matter how good DJ Calhoun is.
Okay, that's literally more sports words than I heard you say in 17 years of marriage.
- She is getting there.
- No idea what I just said.
- It was good though.
- [laughs.]
Okay, let me get my grill on.
Yeah, get that grill heated up, Mike.
He's got soulful eyes.
Oh God, he's a little swarthy.
Mixed with my DNA, we'll be tweezing the kid's eyebrows in the stroller.
Okay, well, Edward18.
Blue eyed, journalist, English.
Weak chin.
Sign of a compromised immune system.
Oh, click on Family History.
See, maternal grandfather died of congestive heart failure.
At 58? No, skip, skip.
Okay, let's narrow the search to immortals.
Be still my beating uterus, who is this? Holden312.
- Uh, surfer hair.
- Dimples.
Great DNA judging by that cavity-free smile.
Mmm, UCLA student.
Date of birth says he's a senior.
He's majoring in astrophysics and thermodynamics.
- [gasps.]
- Hello! The father of my unborn child could be an astronaut.
- Little astronaut baby.
- I love this.
This is great.
Oh, Tony, you're home.
Um Delia, this is my brother.
- Hey, nice to meet you.
- Hey, you too.
Okay, meet your shirt.
Meet it, and put it on.
Well, what are you two doing? Like Tinder or something? Nope, none of your business.
It's fine.
We're looking up perspective sperm donors.
- Sperm donors? - Oy vey.
Now that's easy money, yeah.
I should get into that business.
How much are you paying those Dilberts? I don't think you'd qualify.
They do background checks.
No offense.
I can get around that anyway.
- I'm sure you would, Tony.
- No seriously.
The guys who do the background checks, they're like 80-year-old retired cops just trying to supplement their Medicare.
They're phoning it in.
I can give you the friends and family discount.
- [laughs.]
Thanks, I got it.
- Goodbye, Tony.
Offer expires in 24 hours.
I'm I'm sorry about my brother.
No, he's got a point.
I'm breeding with somebody I don't even know.
If I could see him, I'd feel better.
I mean, you know, he could be anybody.
He could be a criminal.
He could be a felon.
He could be a Toby Keith fan.
[sighs.]
Let's get our own intel on the baby papa.
They have laws against contacting the donors.
I know, to protect them from taking responsibility for the baby.
But we're just inspecting the merch.
[laughs.]
Yes! Good! That is looking great.
Look, let me show you one thing though.
The one thing you're not doing is you're not striding, right.
You've got to take a step into it and stride.
Hit with power.
Coach Mike told me to do it the other way, so Coach Mike might not want you to stride, but you know who does want you to stride? Mike Trout.
Big stride.
Coach! [laughs.]
What's up, Two-Eight? My dad was telling me to stride.
Oh, well, there's lots of different ways to hit a baseball, kid.
Right, right, exactly.
And if you want to hit for power, you need to stride a little bit.
You need to take a step and stride, right Yeah, but we were going more with the toe tap than a stride.
Toe tap? Like a Billy Elliot toe tap thing? Coach Mike knows, Dad.
He played for the Royals.
- Really? - You just played in high school.
You played for the Kansas City Royals? - Two seasons.
- I'm gonna get sugar.
- Not too much.
- Really? That's cool.
I mean, I almost made varsity at Lower Merion, but I had a coccyx injury over the summer and social studies and derailed my career.
There you go.
[laughs.]
Well, the power will come with practice.
Charlie's starting a little late.
Like if he'd had a better baseball dad he would be further along? Jake.
Or if his mother allowed him to have a batting cage in her mid-century modern backyard.
You never asked to have a batting cage.
Simmer.
Chill.
Whoa, whoa! Let's not gang up on the white guy from Philly.
- Jake, can I talk to you for a second? - Yep.
White guy from Philly? What's happening with you, Jake? Clearly, you have a problem with Mike.
Oh, I have a problem? Abby, you know I'm not a racist, okay.
- I didn't say that.
- Oh, but you implied it.
I I made a stupid joke.
- Yes.
- It was inappropriate.
You didn't have to shame me about it, okay.
I didn't know the guy played for the Kansas City Royals.
It threw me, and now he's taking over the house.
He's not taking over the house.
And, by the way, this is my house.
I do not need to ask you for a permit if I want to put up drywall.
I pay child support now, which means I'm helping pay for the mortgage of your house.
Mike is also contributing, which we discussed because it eases everybody's financial load.
I'm just saying I would think my contribution should entitle me to some say of what's going on.
It's like I'm a vestigial limb.
I'm an appendix of the house.
It's not a limb.
What you're saying is that you are feeling dis-empowered.
No, what I am saying is that I would like to be consulted before walls go up.
- When Charlie gets a new swing.
- Okay.
Lilly moves out to the guesthouse.
- I just want to be asked.
- Okay, Jake! Okay.
May I please have your permission to erect a drywall partition in Charlie's room? And I promise you it will be to code.
Since you asked so nicely, I will allow it.
See? I mean, was that so hard? And how do you know he's going to be here? Well, there's only two astrophysics classes.
This one and Tuesdays at nine, which conflicts with Lacrosse.
- Okay.
- So, if Holden312 is who he says he is, he's in this class.
There it is.
Oh, oh, this is exciting.
[gasps.]
- D, can I ask you something? - What? - Why now? - What? What is the rush? I mean, mommying is hard.
- What do you mean? For me? - No, for me.
I mean, I didn't have anyone to show me how it was done.
Yeah, well, I never had anyone to show me how anything was done, and I've had to figure out everything on my own, and that's what I'm doing again.
That's why I'm so obsessed with making sure his daddy genes are tight.
Because you know my mommy genes are pretty sketch.
Yeah, well, they couldn't be worse than mine.
- You're pretty lucky to have Tony.
- Yeah, I guess so.
It's kind of like a little puppy just nipping at everything and trying to used to his environment.
Aw, I think I've been too hard on him.
You know, maybe if he got to know us better he'd get used to it faster.
Hey! Why don't you bring him to Jo's party? No, no, he wouldn't want to come to that.
Give him a chance.
Buy him a shirt, bring him.
Forty-two, jersey.
Go, go, go, go.
Hey, hi, hi.
Holden312.
[laughs.]
Sorry? That's not me.
I don't know what you're talking about.
No, I'm sorry.
I thought you were someone else.
[quiet music.]
Probably a good reason why that's not him.
- It's - Yeah.
Tony was right.
I have been fantasizing about this, about the three of us going out and having our nails done together since the moment you were born.
Oh, please.
More like fantasizing Frumpkis wouldn't lose his toes.
What does that mean? Don't you know your origin story? I also didn't tell her about the Holocaust in the fifth grade either.
- Yeah, you did.
- There was a blizzard.
And your father was conveniently in Killington.
A ski weekend with his fraternity brothers.
So I had to use the phone and call your father at the ski chalet, and I left him the message.
He got in his car now, this was a horrendous blizzard And he managed to lose a boot on the way.
And then he showed up.
With these these icicles on his eyebrows and this scarf foot.
And I cracked up.
And that was that was the last push I needed before you were out.
[laughs.]
Bastard could've gotten gangrene, lost a foot.
That's the best dad story ever.
Yeah, it was It was a good ending.
For a while.
So what was so urgent? - Am I seeing you later at Jo's? - Yes, you are.
I just wanted to talk to you before then.
I mean, we'll be there, but, one, I think I owe you and Mike an apology.
I mean, I saw Mike and Charlie together.
That was really hard, and I got competitive.
- Sorry.
- Yeah.
I mean, I was also feeling competitive - slash possessive, you know.
- I got that.
About Natalie going out to Vancouver with you and the kids for your work, which is something I have always fantasized about.
But, you know it seems like they're all getting along great.
They are.
And that's just taking me a minute to digest.
- It does, right? - Yeah.
- Good.
- Good.
There's something else I wanted to talk to you about.
Shoot.
I am going to ask her I'm going to ask Natalie to marry me.
- What? - Yeah.
[laughs.]
[laughs.]
- What? Yeah, and I wanted you to know, uh first.
I mean, after the Becca fiasco I know you would want to get ahead of things.
And, Abby, we have worked really hard to get to this place, and I want to make sure things can be good between us.
And I wish you didn't look like you swallowed a sea urchin.
- Do I? - A little bit.
I Was not expecting that.
[laughs.]
- Well.
- So, I mean what can I say? Mazel tov? I guess I can say mazel tov.
- Thank you.
- [laughs.]
And please let me tell the kids.
Yes, of course.
Well, I want to tell them after I propose, but if she says yes.
- Yeah.
[laughs nervously.]
- Look at us moving forward.
- I'm proud of us.
- I'm proud of us.
- Yeah.
- Right? [glasses clinking.]
Yeah.
[laughter, chatter.]
W- I know.
- Hello, hey.
Oh.
Hello.
Uh, I just wanted to say a few words of welcome and thank everybody for coming out on this snowy night [laughs.]
To torture Josephine with a birthday party celebrating her 40 [groans.]
years.
- [screams.]
- [laughter.]
Now this tiny dynamo, she moved here, what, three years ago.
But she still brings the New York to our lives every day.
- [applause.]
- I love you.
Um, I I said I miss New York winter, - and look what this crazy bastard did.
- [laughter.]
If this is New York, where are the dead pigeons? Oh, you thought those were buffalo wings, Meryl? [laughter.]
Oh no.
It was a joke.
It was a joke.
[both laugh.]
We have another little surprise coming your way in just a few minutes.
- In the meantime - What? [clears throat.]
In the meantime, enjoy Jo's Winter Wonderland, and, FYI, you can eat the yellow snow, except for Zooey, not for you.
It was her idea, but you are under age.
[laughter.]
Have fun! - [applause.]
- All right.
Yay! You want to know what your surprise is? Yes.
That is Josephine Baker.
Yes, that's Josephine Bonaparte.
Oh, Josie and the Pussycats.
- Aw.
- That's cute.
That's a good one.
Okay, what's that? - I know this.
No.
- I know I should.
It's Joe Frazier.
You kidding me? The thrilla in Manila, you know.
You you showed up.
If all I got to do to get all this free booze is meet your friends, I'm in hi.
Um, this is my brother.
This is Tony.
Tony, this is Abby and her beau, Mike.
- So nice to finally meet you.
- It's good to meet you.
- My God.
- Yeah, you too, you too.
Hi, Delia.
- Hi, Tony.
We actually already know each other from when she and Phoebes were sperm whale hunting.
There's a "Moby Dick" joke in there somewhere.
[laughter.]
I thought you already had a candidate.
Well, not quite, and I have Tony to thank for that actually.
He showed me how dubious some sperm donors can be, so.
- I'm sorry.
- No, don't be.
I have the firm's investigator on it.
It's totally under control.
My offer still stands.
- No.
- Well, how generous.
- Just throwing it out there.
- Ew.
She's not going to pick you.
I'm sorry.
I'm going to go get some yellow snow.
Hey, whoa, I'll get it.
I'll get it.
Yeah.
- Oh.
- Ha.
Whoa, hey, I'm legal, I'm legal.
[laughter.]
- Okay.
- What are you doing? Oh, wow.
Is that her? Yeah, they're so cute together.
[laughter.]
Hey.
- Hey! - Hi, guys.
- Hey.
- Hey! Hi! - Hi.
- Hi.
This is Natalie.
This is Jake's Natalie.
- She's really she rocks.
- Oh, hi, Natalie.
- Hello, ladies.
- Hi, Jake.
I use that term loosely with you.
[laughter.]
- It's been a long time.
- Yeah, we've not been in town.
With my schedule and Natalie's schedule, - it's been busy.
- Oh, what do you do, Natalie? Natalie is a set decorator so she drives around the country and collects really cool things like furniture and vintage pieces.
[laughter.]
Vintage is technically 50, so not vintage.
Just maybe slightly misused.
Uh-huh.
[laughs.]
So we should go pee out some of this yellow snow.
[laughs.]
- No, no, no.
- Sorry, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay.
- See ya.
Yeah, I'm going to see if there any beers in this icy tundra.
[kissing sounds.]
- Okay.
Can I get a beer with you? Would you mind? Is that cool? - [laughs.]
- Can I go with you? - Yeah.
- Bye.
Oh, boy.
Do I ever need a break from the limelight.
All this glare's giving me a headache too.
[laughter.]
So, what did I miss? - The weirdness with Natalie? - Oh.
- You've got your mime face.
- Oh, no.
No, Abby's been great.
Just no problem here.
Natalie is is terrific and engaging and clever and creative and interesting When you say all those things it's like you're giving yourself a compliment.
She's a mini-you.
- No.
- Oh God, you're totally right.
- Yeah, a bit.
- Yeah.
It took me just two minutes to pick up on the Young Abby vibes.
What? Mm-hmm.
That's why it bothers me so much.
I feel like he's going to propose to her to marry me again.
- [gasps.]
- What? He just told me.
I'm not supposed to say anything.
Please do not react.
Botox your face.
Men always marry the same woman over and over again.
That's why I don't believe in divorce.
- Well - [talking over each other.]
Maybe you can debate that later.
I'd like to tear my little Jo out of this wonderful adult bat mitzvah.
Okay, well, okay.
Bye.
[whispers.]
An adult bat mitzvah? Was that necessary? Really? It was a joke.
Would you lighten up, Jo.
Here, I have a gift for you.
What's this? Well, it's an heirloom.
Open it up.
[sighs.]
Wow.
Lovely.
This was Grandma Bertie's anniversary gift.
Harvey gave it to her Well, in his bookie days when those two really struggled so, so much.
[laughs.]
It's very kind.
But these shouldn't come to me now.
I'm not going to let a little thing like divorce stop what's meant to be.
Oh, it's not negotiable.
Put 'em on.
I, uh [Albert whistles.]
Everybody outside! [sighs.]
Here we go, here we go, here we go.
[whistles.]
Hey, okay, party people, a little surprise, a visit from one of Jo's personal heroes, another dynamo who rose from the ashes of defeat to victory in a little TV show you might've heard of called, um mmm.
What's your mom's favorite show, Zo? "Top Chef"? - [gasping.]
- "Top Chef.
" - You did not! - I did.
Kristen Kish.
- Oh my God.
- [applause.]
Yes, we are having a blind taste test just like they do on the show.
Name that food.
Oh my gosh! [applause.]
Happy birthday, Jo.
[laughs.]
Oh my God! - Okay, I have to blindfold you.
- Oh God! Okay.
[quiet music.]
We'll need two more contestants.
A couple more contestants.
Any volunteers? [laughter.]
You guys should go.
You're so adorable.
Do it.
- No.
- No, do it.
Come on! - Adorable.
- Come on, come on.
[applause.]
- Do it.
- Come on, give them a hand.
- Oh, okay.
- Here we go.
Make it good, please.
Thank you.
I'm allergic to food I can't see.
It's okay, Jake, I have an EpiPen.
See ya.
[laughs.]
- Okay.
Too tight? - Ow.
Okay.
Okay, here we go.
Thank you.
Identify that food.
Okay.
Um mmm.
Tastes just like Hamburger Helper with a little bit of nostalgia thrown in.
I was going to say dog food.
Is that rude? Seriously, you can't do that, right? You can't put dog food in here, right? Braised beef cheek with creamed parsnip and an allium glaze? That's correct.
- [applause.]
- Natalie, that's amazing.
Okay, round number two.
- There you go.
- Oh, wow.
A squishy center like Freshen Up gum.
[laughter.]
It's a parboiled quail egg with saffron aioli? And our winner is Natalie.
- [cheering.]
- Ah, okay.
Natalie, you are a super foodie.
[laughs.]
Congrats.
Double congrats on your engagement.
[scattered gasps.]
Oh my God.
[laughs.]
Engagement? No.
Why is everybody looking at me for? Isn't that Junior Mint Abby the one Jake's marrying? He hasn't proposed yet, Meryl.
Uh [soft music.]
[muted party music.]
Jake, I'm so sorry that happened.
I specifically asked you not to talk about To tell the kids, and I didn't.
I didn't tell the kids.
I told my girlfriends, and I never thought You didn't think because you're so self-involved and you are clearly not cool with this.
And all the posturing with Mike, I mean, Abby.
- How am I posturing with Mike? - It's such bull how? How about a lucky chair? His lucky chair that now you love because you're a flexible partner? Come on, you hate that chair.
You know what, maybe I'm a flexible partner with him because he's not neurotic and insecure.
Oh.
And I let him keep that chair because he knows I think it's hideous.
And that's okay.
For your information, what some people call neurotic and insecure other people call sensitive and tuned-in.
People who are 12.
And who don't get off on proving how ineffectual I am.
I'm sorry that you are having a problem with Natalie.
- I do not have a problem - Clearly.
I don't have a problem with people that I don't know.
And clearly you don't either because you're about to marry one.
Yeah, sue me for wanting to be with someone who's not on a constant mission to fix me.
No, you want to be with a fan.
You found a suck-up, sycophantic version of me, which is all your fragile ego can handle.
No, you're not doing an Abby bait and switch right now.
I mean, you might as well have come out as a lesbian.
[laughs.]
You could not have picked somebody more different.
Mike? Really, Abby? Mike.
So it's a race thing? - No, it's not a race thing.
- Then what is it? - What? What? - It's a rejection thing.
I mean, Mike is like an under-talking, macho steak-eating He's everything I am not.
And if that's what you wanted to be with the whole time we were together then that's a total negation of our marriage.
- I loved our marriage.
- Clearly.
Hey, hey, it's done.
I'm negating this rest of this discussion.
Let's go home.
I'm yours I'm yours [laughter.]
What is going on? Why are you still up? Who are you? He's here for Uncle Tony.
He's a parole officer.
Guy Wiggins.
- A parole officer? - Hey, Guy.
Chino is a jail, mom.
- Yeah.
- They do spontaneous check-ins.
I'm verifying change of address.
Well, I'm guessing you guys have been drinking.
And you've been out past curfew, Tony.
Any other substances? No.
I will begin my walk-through.
[sighs.]
Don't budge.
I just have to settle up with the caterers.
Ugh.
We're going to need a bigger boat.
[laughs.]
[kissing.]
I'll be back.
Aw, really glad you came, Meryl.
Thanks for blowing the party.
Oh, come on, that Natalie chippy will be fine.
Simple people are resilient.
Why are you here? You didn't get your eyes done.
Nobody heals that fast.
Either does a marriage.
Mmm.
Bingo.
Had a feeling that's why you were here.
For Frump.
He doesn't know I'm here.
- Uh-huh.
- Jo.
People make mistakes.
They go through dark times.
He lied to me.
And he cheated on me.
And he tried to take this bakery away from me for his southern-fried nympho wife.
Give him another chance.
Why would I do that? Because you go together like broken pieces of China.
Oh my God.
Gets you more than that whatever Alfred ever will.
His name is Albert.
As in someone who actually cares about me.
All I'm saying is with Robbie you're the real Jo.
You're that tough little broad, that take-no-prisoners girl that I fell in love with after my son did.
What if this is the real me? I'm just starting to get to know her.
Robbie is in New Mexico.
He's doing the work, and he needs his family.
His family's here.
Always.
Us? He threw that away.
You look great.
[sighs.]
Well, that was a nightmare.
Yeah, tell me about it.
Welcome to my world.
Wow, okay.
No apology? I mean, that wasn't exactly something that Anouk and Luco should have to deal with.
The kids? They're fine.
They're way cooler than you think.
I don't want them to be cool, Tony.
This is not our childhood.
This is not Sunken Meadow Lane.
- Our childhood? - Yes.
How would you even know? Because I was there.
You took off for Paris to model at what, like, 14? - It was awful.
- Awful? Here we go.
Do you think I wanted to go? You have no idea what I dealt with.
And it was all for you, it was all for you, and it was for mom, and it was all to send money back.
Your martyr shit, seriously.
I didn't have a childhood.
I didn't go to high school.
At least you went to high school.
Oh, you want to talk about my high school memories? Chemistry class, waiting on line at the Rexall for mom's pharmaceuticals.
And then her scrips ran out driving her to King's Park to score.
I know it was hard.
I know it was hard.
No, you don't.
You don't know.
Because when you were there it was different.
She at least remembered that she had kids.
You don't even know the name of half the douchebags that came through that trailer! - We don't have to relive this.
- Bullshit.
Bullshit! You say you didn't want to go, you leapt at the opportunity.
You couldn't wait to get the hell out of there.
Tony, I was 14.
I wasn't thinking.
I was surviving, and I tried everything.
Everything I made I sent it back to you.
And when you got busted I hired the best lawyer that I could get.
I didn't need money, Phoebe.
I wanted a sister.
I needed a brother.
And you messed up.
You got busted.
And when I came home you were gone.
And mom had gone to Texas with husband number three - Bob, his name was Bob.
- There was nobody.
I had no family.
I had nothing! Everything I did was a waste.
You were a waste.
Well, you are a fake.
You sit up here in your alimony castle and go for your hikes and eat your vegan breakfast with your fancy friends.
You really think you wanted a family? I was right there ten years! I'm the same guy.
Ten years I'm in there! You didn't come to see me one time.
- I couldn't.
- Not once.
I needed to figure it out on my own.
I needed to live my life on my own without you.
And if I went back, if I saw you, the cycle would begin again, and I couldn't.
I didn't have a choice.
Is that what you want to hear? I don't want anything from you.
Well, then go.
Just bolt.
It's the only family tradition we have, Tony.
You should know.
You started it.
Sorry you had to deal with all that.
It's fine.
You got to let it go.
Jake just makes me so crazy sometimes.
I mean, he can't be alone.
Now he's with this woman who is obviously at that pressure cooker time in her life so she can't waste any time, and the two of them it's like they're just moving way too fast.
Don't you think they're moving too fast? I don't know him or her.
Yes, but what do you think? Well, I thought you and he were in an okay place.
You two have no boundaries.
I'm not the one that's working with his ex-wife.
And I'm not fighting with my ex like I'm still married.
It's like you get off on it.
I'm supposed to be moving my kids in here this week.
Supposed to be? Abby, tonight that was ugly.
I'm sorry.
I I I don't know what else to say.
Nothing left to say.
You need to set some boundaries.
[music rises.]
Hey, morning glory.
You ready to scale Fryman? I'm working on a tight schedule.
I have some new sperm candidates, and I'm meeting the firm's PI right after this.
Great, sounds like a nice, stressful hike.
Why so cynical? Usually my job.
Tony and I got into last night.
He's probably packing right now, so.
You guys were so tight the other night.
It's a long story, and it doesn't matter.
I mean, I told you about my family.
It's in and out and everybody gets hurt.
There it is.
The hard part is that I have to tell Anouk and Luco, and that sucks.
Oh, something smells really good.
Nobody can sit here.
It's Uncle Tony's spot.
We made unbelievable blueberry chocolate chip pancakes.
We just wanted to make something special for Uncle Tony.
- Yes, you did.
- It's so sweet.
- He was in prison.
- Shut up.
It's okay.
Delia knows.
- Yeah.
- Everything, so.
But we need to talk.
Uh, so if you guys wouldn't mind sitting down.
Um, it's about your Uncle Tony.
Your uncle is - he's - Is starving.
Hey, fam, is that fresh squeezed OJ? Whoa.
Bet you didn't have that in Chino.
No juice in the joint? Ha ha ha ha.
It's called lockup, dumb-asses.
- [both laugh.]
- Okay.
So are you staying? For breakfast? Yeah.
Yeah, I was thinking I would.
Like to break our family tradition.
Is that cool, or do we have to talk about it? Nope, that's cool with me.
Great, so I see a couple of lightweights here who I don't think can eat more than like one pancake.
- No way.
- No? Okay, well, we should go hiking because you have an appointment.
You know, I think I would rather stay here and have breakfast with your insane family than go meet a sperm sleuth.
- Really? - Yeah.
Screw it, I'm going to go with Holden312.
Wow.
Let's face it.
My kid's going to be an asshole.
If it's going to be an astronaut asshole with dimples and a good golf swing, then, yay, bonus for me.
- I'm proud of you.
- I'm proud of you.
Okay, let's have some breakfast.
- Hey, guess who's staying.
- Yeah.
- No hike? - No.
Who made it? Who really who was the cook? [laughter.]
[distant laughter.]
- [laughs.]
- Hey there.
Meryl, how was breakfast? Good.
Look what grandma gave me.
Oh, what a thoughtful gift.
I love them.
Thank you.
Oh, I love you, sweetie, and please don't do too much homework.
You need more Vitamin D.
I won't.
Have a good trip.
Oh.
Safe travels, Meryl.
[sighs.]
Jo, dear, I wanted to give you my blessing to be happy with Albert if he's the man to do the job.
Thank you.
You know, you and Robbie have a lot of crap, and it's none of my business.
You're going to have to work that out before he gets back.
Wait, back? What do you mean? He's ready to come home.
And home means here.
He wants to be a real father again.
He doesn't want to miss that show.
So, bye-bye.
Bye.
[doorbell rings.]
He's here.
- Hey.
- Hey.
They ready? - Yeah, don't come in.
- Whoa.
I just already have their bags packed, so I'll just get them, okay.
Okay, that's new.
Yeah, just I feel like we should have better boundaries like normal divorced people.
Boundaries like I can't come into the house that I lived in You know what? I totally get that.
It's fine.
- Bye.
- Good morning.
Have fun in Vancouver with Dad.
- I love you so much.
- And Natalie.
I love you too.
I'll be right there, okay.
Um She said yes.
Congratulations.
- [laughs.]
- Great.
I'm glad that she was able to recover from it, okay.
She recovered fine.
She handled the whole She handled our mess with grace.
Well, I think you're making a huge mistake, so.
Do you? Yes, I'm just being honest.
As you should be.
Don't register for any monogrammed towels.
Yeah, well, don't break down any moving boxes because this blended family bullshit isn't going to work.
- Have a safe flight.
- Bye.
[music rises.]