Girlfriends Guide To Divorce (2014) s05e03 Episode Script

Rule No. 97: It Takes Two to Stab Yourself in the Butt

1 [bell dings] Previously on "Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce" - I need help.
- We're gonna get you help.
Robbie is in New Mexico, he's doing the work, - and he needs his family.
- His family's here.
You and Robbie have a lot of crap.
You're gonna have to work that out before he gets back.
- What do you mean? - He's ready to come home.
I'm in love with you, you dumb ass! I'm in love with you! Four years ago, my husband left me for my sister.
Oh, my God.
We were married for eight years.
- How are you and Darrell doing? - He's out of town.
I don't know what's wrong with you.
I don't deserve you, Darrell.
Are you breaking up with me? So are you staying? Yeah, I was, I was thinking I would.
I'd like to break our family tradition.
I'm going to get a sperm donor.
- Wow.
- Why? I'm not looking for the right person.
I'm looking for the right baby.
I want you to move in with me.
What? We're really doing this.
- Yeah.
A new job would make it easier.
Are you taking the job? Abby, the job, me and Colette working together, it's baseball.
- Right.
- It's my first love.
You should do it, absolutely.
- I can't wait to tell the kids.
- Me too.
[upbeat music] I'm Jango Fett! You were Jango last time.
I got you! I blew off your head, now it's Has anyone seen my phone? Look out! General Mylan's is on our tail! He's dive bombing us! I see a cave over there.
- I got you in the face! - Did not! Lilly's lost her phone.
Will she find it? Suspenseful.
Can you just help me, Simone? I'm in production for my web series today, sorry.
All right, I think the pancakes are ready.
All right, everybody, reel it in! Pancake animal shapes and everything.
- Oh, that's right.
- Show off.
I slay at breakfast.
And look at you, with the plain eggs.
Impressive and fluffy.
Inappropriate.
Children are present.
Oh, come on, Simone, you know that affection is the foundation of every family unit.
A bit loose with the word "family" there, Abby, but whatevs.
She'll warm up to you.
Yeah, whatever, it's, you know, she's funny.
She's a hoot.
All right, let's do this! To the table we go-go.
All right, boys, put the swords down.
Grab these fruit bowls, please.
Simone.
Phone down.
We've got an owl like you like.
Let me get you some fruit.
Look at us! This is amazing.
We got a whole weekend of bonding.
Who's looking forward to family game night? I know I am.
I have plans.
Board games are for lame-o's.
Asher, try new things.
It's not board games.
We actually do our own version of Celebrity.
It's always a blast, right, Lil? - Yeah.
- [phone vibrates] Hey, hey, hey, I thought we were doing a phone-free table.
Well, it's Colette, the foundation event I'm helping her coordinate has us a little stressed out.
Oh, yeah, you look really stressed.
Stop.
She was just making fun of one of our co-workers.
I thought you guys were in different departments.
Sorry, I'm Let's get back to talking about our fantastic weekend plans, because I made a reservation at my favorite Italian restaurant Which is a real hot spot, by the way And who here likes Italian? Raise your hands! Whoo-whoo! What? Thanks.
- [phone vibrates] - I am not answering that because it is family time.
Family time.
Yes.
Jesus, Mary and Josephine.
You were killin' me today, Smalls.
Sorry, I'm sorry.
I needed to get some shit out.
Yeah, I could tell, as could my bruised ribcage.
This about Frump moving back? Look I know that you're stressed because when you have a lot on your mind you get a little tic on the right side of your nose.
[laughing] You're adorable, by the way.
Okay, look, I'll admit it, yes, I am a little bit worried, he's my ex-husband and Frump and LA don't mix.
Right, but from what you told me, he seems to be getting his act together, so, maybe you can give him the benefit of the doubt? Well, he finished rehab, but you need to brace yourself.
Like every giant alcoholic man-baby, he's gonna eventually want his Ba-Ba.
Hey, about about we cross the Frump bridge when we come to it? - "We"? - Mm-hmm.
Okay.
You're turned on right now? I'm sweaty, I smell like a leftover hot dog.
Ooh, I like the way you smell.
Look at you, talking sweet to me.
Well, it's about to get sweeter, toots, because I got us two box seats to "Madame Bovary" Hottest ticket in town 'cause I am fancy like that.
Oh! Oh! Yeah, classy! Wow! Is this the one with the hooker in it? The one that "Pretty Woman" is based on? No, that's "La Traviata".
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
Are there hookers in this at all? Not technically, no.
Oh, okay, thank you.
So I sit down in my cubicle, - and my pants ripped - No, stop it.
Right up my butt.
Tony this is why you don't buy a pair of cheap pants from a rando guy at a pop-up corner store.
Let me buy you a new pair of pants.
Yeah, not happening.
- Also, we talked about this.
- What? - The helicopter sistering.
- Oh.
How about you don't worry about me for a while? Oh, okay.
Yeah, just do you.
Look, Ralf has the kids for, like, a week.
I've basically been meditating and brunching my ass off.
I have never been so relaxed in my entire life.
Well, I'm talking about dating.
It's time.
Yeah, maybe I'll brush off the old smart phone and give the dating apps another whirl.
Let's do it! I'm totally game to get back out there too.
Tony.
I think you need to focus on you right now and your personal growth.
I mean, why don't you get your GED? [imitating helicopter] This is a helicopter.
I know, land it, make that sound.
[imitating helicopter slowing down] You're such a dork.
It takes a while.
Liberia has also been called the land of the free.
I'm proud of this, I love my family.
Now please enjoy the Liberian food my mom has prepared.
Thank you.
All right.
That was fantastic, Jordan.
You're going to be the star of Diversity Night.
Make sure you keep your head up when you're speaking, okay? Thanks, pop.
Two more days I'm so excited! Yes, yes, yes.
Is Darrell going to be able to come? Actually, sweetie, he can't make it.
Why not? Yeah, why not? I told you mommy and Darrell are not spending time together right now.
But the rest of us are gonna be there me, dad, and Aunt Patricia.
- Right, Leon? - Yeah, that's right.
Okay, go get ready for bed, I'll be right in.
You're doing a good job, son, I'm proud of you.
You were great.
Kickin' butt, man.
So, you and Darrell broke up, huh? Leon, I need to put Jordan to bed.
And you should go home, to Patricia.
Ah That's why you've been avoiding my calls.
No, I've been avoiding your calls because what - happened with us was wrong.
- Was hot as hell.
B I can't get you out of my head, B.
Try harder.
Me and Patricia aren't working.
I don't care.
I told you What happened between us will never happen again.
[sighing] Good night.
Can you please? Seriously.
[chuckling] - Go! - All right, all right.
Best basketball player of all time! [all talking at once] Wow, Lilly [all talking at once] - [timer ringing] - And time, sorry, time.
- Michael Jordan.
- Okay, yeah, he's pretty famous.
Yeah, well, he retired decades ago so he's old news.
- Old news? - That's right.
No, no, no, hell, no, you cannot be talking about my MJ like that.
Uh, "MJ" is Michael Jackson.
What? No.
No, no, no, not in the Brady family.
Eden.
- [phone vibrates] - Ah, it's Colette, I should take this.
Now? Can't you just No, she wouldn't be calling unless it's urgent.
Dad, remind mom about buying me a new microphone.
Sound quality on my web series is whack.
Dang I guess mom still has dad whipped.
No one's whipped, this is just work.
All right, my turn, my turn.
Charlie, you are on timer.
Got it.
And go.
It's Becca Riley's baby daddy.
Taye Diggs! - [all shouting] - Yeah! Whoo-whoo! Yeah, come on.
Yes, yes.
Oh, my God, Simone, you're gonna die when you hear the whole Taye Diggs story.
- Listen, I got to go in.
- To work, now? Athletes keep dropping out of this event left and right, and the venue problems are nonstop.
- The venue is Colette's department.
- Abs, I have to go.
Sorry, I love you.
You all have a good time.
- Bye, Coach! - Bye, dad! Dad, microphone, tell her.
See? - Totally whipped.
- So sweet.
[upbeat music] [knocking on door] Well, well, it lives.
Yes, indeed, I am alive.
Hey, ya, Jo.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Dad! - Hey, ya, kiddo! Hi.
- You look pretty okay.
- Mom, he looks amazing.
Oh, why, thanks, peanut, I feel pretty amazing.
[Albert clears his throat] Uh, Frumpkis, this is my guy, Albert.
- Yes, Albert.
- It's a pleasure to meet you.
So where are you crazy kids off to? Breakfast New place in Echo Park.
Oh, so you can put your crap here, and the couch is is ready for you, just like before.
I'm good, Jo, thanks, no, I just rented a place in NoHo and moved in yesterday.
Wow! That's fast.
You sure you're okay with that whole living alone thing? Yeah.
I'm sure, it's all good.
If it doesn't work out, the couch is right here.
Jo, he said he's good.
You're good, okay.
Okay, see you later.
Okay, um, text me if you need anything.
I'll have my phone on me at all times.
- Okay.
- It's nice meeting you.
You too, thanks.
- Have fun.
- Yeah.
- Are you good? - Never been better.
Can you believe this shit? I'm sorry, I just don't see what the problem is here.
I thought we wanted Frumpkis to not be hot-ass mess.
On the first day? Too easy.
You know what? You need to enjoy the harmony because it can be hard to come by.
Brady Bunch give you mommy blue balls? - [chuckling] - No, everyone is getting along great.
I mean, Simone is a bit of challenge.
She's just tough to get through to, - she's all icy.
- Mm-hmm.
But I am not giving up.
I'm going to make that girl like me.
Wow, sounds so fun for her.
- [chuckles] - I'm taking them to Vento.
- Delish.
- Oh, I love their gnocchi.
Yeah, I think a restaurant would be really good for us because it forces everyone to stay put, including Mike.
Is he still working on that project with Colette? Yes.
Okay, so, he's in Marketing and Strategy and she's in Education and Literacy.
But there's this big foundation event, and somehow he's been made the point man, which Not a coincidence, if you ask me Do you think Colette's scheming? I am trying not to go there, but it's a little tough.
You remember Jake and I and our post-divorce divorce? You and Mike are solid, stop it.
And I don't remember that episode of "The Brady Bunch" where the ex-wife makes a play for the former hubby.
That's because she was dead! I've never seen "The Brady Bunch".
- Oh, my gosh, how old are you? - "The Brady Bunch"? - You're an embryo.
- Sorry.
It's so hard to face the truth.
I hate you.
- [all laughing] - Hey! Hey, what's going on? Well, I just got back from the OB.
Guess who's allergic to sperm.
What? That's impossible.
With all the meat popsicles you sat on, really? Okay, Delia, what does that all mean? Well, long story short, if I want to have a baby and carry it myself, my best option is IVF.
- Needles - Ooh My ass hurts for you already.
Well, all kidding aside, we're here for you, honey.
Yes, a million percent, and I promise there's gonna be a beautiful baby at the end of that rainbow.
Yeah, one that we're all gonna love like crazy.
Okay, one step at a time.
First I got to shoot myself in the ass with hormones, I start tomorrow.
- Ooh, I'll help, I'll help.
- Oh, that's okay, thank you.
No, I'm really good with needles.
I said I got it.
I'm sorry, I have been taking the Phoebe God-mothering to the extreme lately.
- No! - A little bit.
- Come on! - Don't believe it.
- That's crazy.
- But you know what? Thank you, I appreciate it.
Anyways, Tony is doing great and Ralf has the kids all week, so guess who's going on a date tomorrow night? - Oh, back on the horse.
- That's nice.
Yeah, you know, I joined this super elite app called The League, and I met this guy who's in finance and he surfs, so he's a financial surfer.
- [laughing] - Yeah.
You okay? Yeah, fine, what do you mean? I don't know It's been a few weeks since you broke up with Darrell.
Maybe you can join a dating app, ease in with Tinder or No, Tinder, not for me.
My shit's a bit messy right now.
I am not in a getting back on a horse place.
What do you mean, what kind of shit? Um, I'm already on a horse, sort of, a wild one, and it is giving me motion sickness.
Okay, maybe stop speaking in metaphors and just tell us what's going on.
I had sex with my ex-husband.
Wow.
- It was just one time.
- All right.
That's why I ended it with Darrell, and I can't take it.
The confusion, the guilt.
I'm sure.
- Are you and Leon - Getting back together? No no, hell no.
- When did this happen? - Right before the Redbook event.
Oh, my God.
I knew something was going on.
And I didn't tell you guys because I was ashamed.
I just couldn't take the pressure, it was stressing me out.
Oh, girl, I totally get it, just let it out.
Yeah.
I freaking have this school event for Jordan tomorrow night, and my ex-nutjob is going to be there, and he's been all, you know, wanting to get back with me, which he's only saying that because he wants what he can't have.
- Mm-hmm.
- And you know what else? Because you're super freakin' hot.
Well, I mean, obviously.
But, on top of all that, my sister is going to be there.
It is oh, it's just this giant, horrible mess - Oh, my God.
I need a cocktail.
- Here, here, here, have it.
So, a solid "no" on the Tinder timing.
So we took all the couch cushions and put them in their cars, so that when people came back it was like a big mess.
Oh, I love it.
That takes me back.
Where did everyone sit? Um, I don't know, the senior class skipped.
That sounds lame.
- It was not lame, shut up.
- No, you shut up.
Charlie, stop, don't get in trouble.
- Relax, it's a senior prank.
- Yes, I know.
But the colleges are picking right now and I don't want to mess with that.
You said you'd think about it! Mom! It's a simple request.
Why is it your mission to destroy my life? Simone, back off with your tone, say bye to Mom.
I have to go, we're having dinner with the McCarthys.
Oh, moms and daughters, right, Lil? Yeah.
Dad, I really need that microphone.
Mom's being so unreasonable.
Let's not talk about that right now.
What is the microphone? It's a couple of hundred bucks.
It'll make all the def in my web series sound quality.
We can it's a couple of hundred bucks, we can certainly look into it.
Abby, you're so amazing.
Dad, did you hear what Abby just said? I did hear, yes.
Abby, you're the best ever! Thank you so, so much! - We'll discuss it.
- Yes, we will.
[sighing] Hey.
You're going in early.
Please don't tell me you're still mad.
Just wish we were on the same page.
I thought we were on the same page.
It's just a microphone.
Colette and I don't just give our kids what they want all the time.
Simone wasn't raised that way.
Right.
What? Nothing, forget it.
Say it.
Simone is not exactly the model of good behavior.
Is that a dig at my parenting? Was your comment a dig at mine? I'm sorry.
I'm frustrated.
Simone is awesome, but Simone doesn't make it easy, I know.
Right, exactly, so you know where I'm coming from with her.
I mean, I adore Simone, and I keep trying to do things that Okay, okay, don't get yourself worked up.
Just let me and Colette handle her.
Do you know what time you're coming home tonight so I can prep dinner? I'm really not sure, we're still slammed.
The event's in two days, it may be late.
You got a crazy busy job too.
Yeah, just not with my ex-husband.
I mean, with all the shit you gave me about me and Jake and boundaries We're just co-workers.
You are co-workers who send flirty texts.
Flirty? Okay, so, what? Colette's making her move? Is that really what you think? Don't make me sound ridiculous, please.
A lot of this is on me, Abby, I'm new, I got a lot to prove.
And my boss made me point because he's really starting to trust me, which is good, okay? I'll try to make it home for dinner, I'll text you when I know.
Okay.
Have a good day.
[upbeat music] I will come today I'm finally feeling [sighs] No, no, no, no, no, no! I can't, I can't, I can't.
Cinq, quatre, trois, deux, un Allez! [sighing] Go on, and make it count No, no, no! Okay.
And make sure you got your dancing shoes tonight Don't be afraid to jump in, put your hands in the air Like you're happy and you ain't got a worry All right, get ready, here I come.
[gasps] Hubba, hubba, screw "Madame Bovary," let's just stay here and hump each other in our fancy clothes.
Mom, wow, you look incredible! Thank you! And is that my jacket? Yeah, dad's picking me up.
We're going to "Lucha Libre".
Shut up.
Mexican wrestling, that's so cool! It's gonna be crazy fun And the masks, I can't wait.
[knocking on door] Hey, señorita, you ready to rumble? Sí, papa.
"Lucha Libre" seems a little weird.
I'm sure it'll be fine, you know, we should head out.
Curtain's at 8:00.
Okay, that's going to be so cool if they do that.
Yeah, he scissors him on the neck and slams You know, I'm a little nervous for Zooey.
Well, maybe we should just, uh, ditch the opera, then.
No, no.
I'm looking forward to this exciting evening of elegance.
- Okay, but um - But I see your point.
I mean, "Madame Bovary" isn't going anywhere and Are you sure? - Yes, yes.
Okay, you guys! Get ready make room for two for "Lucha Libre".
What? You two guys are coming along? - Oh, awesome.
- Mm-hmm, yeah.
Yeah, I've never been, it sounds fun.
- I've never been, either.
- Actually, that's not true.
We took you to a wrestling match in the Bronx when you a tiny, tiny baby.
Holy Moses, I totally forgot about that.
You were so fussy that night, Zo, that we decided to take you somewhere that was as loud as you were, - and you stopped crying.
- And you stopped crying.
Yeah, that's right.
Uh, you guys going dressed like that? I'm kind of stuck in this, but you can change if you want, Jo.
Are you sure? Thank you so much Yeah, this tight-ass dress is actually making my boobs really sore.
- TMI.
- Ah.
- I'll be back in five.
- Yeah.
Whoop-whoop-whoop! - Andale.
- [chuckling] Hey, Simone, will you do me a favor? Can you go get Charlie and Asher and tell them that dinner is almost ready? Sure, in a sec.
Now, please? We're about to eat.
I'm making chicken fajitas Your dad said they were your favorite.
What? To make up for what you did? - For what I did? - Promising me that microphone and then taking it away.
I talked to my dad.
Okay, that was a group discussion, and I overstepped.
I had no idea that your mom and dad had told you no already so firmly.
Whatever.
Simone, can you just lay off her? She said she's sorry.
Thank you, Lilly, that was very sweet.
She likes you, don't worry about it, she's 14, she only cares about herself.
Are you actually my daughter? Thank you, it's just that this is my new normal, - this is our new normal.
- Mmmmm, mine for - a couple of months.
- Yeah.
Please don't remind me.
I like this recipe.
- You do? - Mm-hmm.
Can you teach it me before I go? So that you can impress all your roommates - with your mad fajita skills? - Yeah.
I'd love that.
- [vibrating] - - Yeah, are you okay? - Yep.
Uh, let us get this food on the table, and eat.
I'll get the peppers, you get the rice.
Phoebe! Phoebe? Phoebe, are you home? - Tony, hi.
- Hi.
Sorry, is Phoebe back yet? Uh, no, she's still out with that League guy.
Still? Yeah, I guess it's going pretty well.
She should be home soon.
Okay, can you have her just call me as soon as she gets back, because I really need her help with something, and it needs to happen tonight Today tonight, so Mysterious.
You need to bury a body or something? - Something like that.
- Okay.
Uh, do you want to wait here? - Okay.
- Come on.
Okay.
[sighs] Lilly Can you just watch everybody for me? Yeah.
Where are you Where are you going? I'll be back.
[upbeat music] [indistinct chatter] You did such a good job, boo.
Thank you.
- Jordan was great.
- Yeah, he's a natural.
Public speaker.
I'm glad you could make it, Pat.
Oh, of course, thank you for including me.
I've missed you.
And it's nice seeing you and Leon heal things a bit.
What do you mean? I mean, you're just actually talking to him, saying more than hello and good-bye.
It's nice, after everything.
Yeah.
Actually, can you hold the fort for a second? I'll be right back.
Uh, yeah, sure.
Leon You need to tell Patricia what happened between us.
Oh, so what? We're telling her that we're giving this another shot.
I already told you no.
Okay, well, I'm not telling her anything.
Either you tell her or I will.
Tell her when you get home tonight, 'cause I'm calling her in the morning.
Since when do you care about her feelings? She deserves to know who you really are.
Tell her, Leon.
[upbeat music] Bueno! Yeah! Jefe! I am telling you, if I don't get hit in the eye by blood or spit or some other kind of bodily fluid, I will consider this evening a flop, baby.
Mom, that's horrifying.
I haven't seen your blood-lust side in a while, Jo.
- You know.
- Oh, I know it well.
When I met this one, she was beating the crap out of me in the ring.
Oh, that's right, the Tao of - Rex, Tao of Rex, yeah.
- Yeah, hardcore.
Oh, concessions, yes! Let's divide and conquer these lines.
What are we in the mood for? Nachos? And hot peppers, spice it up - Nachos with extra cheese.
- Extra cheese, of course.
How about some Mexican hot chocolate? - Oh, such a good call.
- Thrilling.
Hey, how about a round of beers, huh? Let's pump this party up, what do you say? - Albert.
- What? Oh, my Frump, I'm so sorry.
I wasn't think I'm an idiot.
Don't worry about it, it's not a problem.
- Easy mistake, easy mistake.
- Sorry, dude.
But look, that line's snaking out Let's get going so we don't miss the opening bell.
Come on.
You can have one of these, you know.
I wish I can't drink right now.
- Really? - Yeah.
Hmm.
Part of the mystery.
Phoebe really didn't tell you? Let me guess It has something to do with the sperm donor situation? Are you offering me drugs? My parole officer kind of has a thing about that.
IVF.
I need help.
My body kills sperm, apparently.
And you need Phoebe to stab you.
By midnight or my ovaries turn into a pumpkin.
There's an image.
I'm just not used to needing someone, it's not my forte.
Clearly.
So, what are you doing here? I live here.
I mean home, at night.
Don't you go out? Don't you people? Going out has caused me problems before, so, - trying to stay focused.
- Yeah, right, I heard.
You heard? Well, I mean, Phoebe is really proud of you and she says you're doing well.
Yeah, I bet she is.
What does that mean? Getting out of prison is tough, you know? Making new friends and working a normal job, it's Phoebe thinks she gets it, but she doesn't.
Why don't you help her? It's easier not to.
Just let her think everything's rosy.
My sister lives in a bubble where everything's somehow fixable.
I guess I'm part of that now.
Tony Can I ask you a question? Yeah, shoot.
How are you with needles? [indistinct conversation, laughter] Abby What the hell are you doing here? What am I doing here? I came to bring you this.
Chicken fajita tacos.
Red sauce and some green sauce, some guacamole and, uh, fresh tortillas I made myself, which took a very long time, by the way.
Thank you.
I told you That you were working late, I know, and I can see that you are very busy.
- We are.
- Just "working".
Why are you doing air quotes? Because, Mike, I am not blind.
I see you here, you're just hanging out.
You're just joking around.
Okay, calm down let's go out there and talk.
And I am trying to make everything work at home Two families, one house, and you're here gallivanting with your ex-wife.
Okay, sorry to keep everyone late.
We have a lot to go over to pull this off tomorrow, so let's get started.
Mike, did you pull all the players' travel schedules? I have 'em right here, sir, I was just showing Colette how it was all going to fit together.
Great, then we'll go through it and Who's this? Oh, that's Mike's girlfriend.
Hi, I just came to bring you some food Chicken fajita tacos, yummy.
I know you guys are working really hard, this is a huge event, I mean, a biggie, and I appreciate that, so just supporting the team, you know.
Get back to work.
Get back to work! Okay.
Okay, um, first up, projections.
[indistinct chatter] [slow erotic music] I'll hold you in my arms Won't let nothing harm you Till morning comes You toss and you turn Dreams give you no peace Baby, what's going on? - Thanks for that.
- No problem.
Wait hold on, we can't You kidding? You're the one who Okay, I'm sorry.
Wow, this was a bad A bad idea.
- Point, point made.
- What? - I get it.
- What do you mean? Thanks for leading me on.
I appreciate it.
Tony, I'm home! Shit.
Hey, D, what are you doing? I was just waiting for you Wait, I was waiting.
Oh, right, the shot, so sorry, I I was going to call you but my The date went over.
Any potential? I don't know, he was nice, a little boring, but so was I.
I don't know; It's just the spark was missing.
I forgot how hard it was sparking.
Everything all right in here? Here? Yes, cool.
We were just hanging out and talking.
All right, well, do you want me to give you the shot? Hmm? No, I I'll see you tomorrow.
- Okay.
- You seem tired.
Well, I'm tired, everybody's so tired, it's so late.
It's nice talking to you, and Sorry about your date.
Bye.
Your friend's crazy.
All right, who wants to try a traditional Liberian dish? Okay.
We call it Bitter Ball and Rice.
Watch out, the pot is hot, so be careful.
I cannot believe you.
Leon just told me.
Okay, you have every right to be upset, but can you calm down, please? There are children present.
Yeah, there are! So Why did you throw yourself at him? - Okay, I'm sorry, hold on.
- No, no, no, I get it this is you trying to get back at me because Leon and I hurt you, I get that.
Can we roll this back a bit? But trying to seduce your ex-husband in an elementary school bathroom? - What? - That is some messed up Ladies, come on now, why you getting all loud? People are starting to look.
- Sorry.
- Did you say that I tried to seduce you in a children's bathroom? Are you high? Barbara, come on, let's just, all right Okay, you know what? We slept together, Leon and I, a few weeks ago.
And it was a mistake.
The biggest mistake I've ever made.
Barbara, this is not the time.
I need you to stop talking.
Yes, maybe you were right, it made me feel good to hurt you, okay? It's pathetic, and I am so, so sorry, but I can't take it back; I wish I could.
Leon, is it true? No, no, no, come on, now, you know I love you.
Oh, my God, don't listen to him.
He played both of us.
You're disgusting, a disgusting, pathological liar.
Why are you all whispering? - Hey! - What's up, man? - We're just chatting.
- Just having a family meeting.
- Let's go back inside.
- Yeah, come on.
[whispering] [emcee shouting in Spanish] [chanting] Lucha! Lucha! Lucha! [men grunting] - The guy with the yellow mask! - Ooh, tiger guy.
I can't believe he took down that guy in the red.
I would not want to meet him in a dark alley.
What's going on? You okay? Oh, you know, actually not.
I got a text from my assistant, Eden.
Work crisis, I have to go.
- There are four more matches! - I know, I'm sorry.
- That's too bad.
- Paperwork calls.
I have to file it by Boring, boring.
It's deadlines, the law, relentless.
Call me tomorrow? Yeah, you bet.
Have fun, kids.
See ya.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Don't go back in without me.
- Don't get kidnapped.
- We will be planted right here, kiddo.
"Don't get kidnapped.
" You want her to get kidnapped? Why don't you tell her not to get pregnant while you're at it? Or the herps, that would be really bad.
Or AIDS.
- Oh! - What? Too far? A little bit.
[chuckling] This is nice us, together.
Yeah yeah, it is.
Hey.
It's a school night.
Shouldn't you be in bed? Just editing my web series.
It's totally Dad approved.
Where did you go? Uh, I, I brought your dad food, at work.
- Oh, well, that's weird.
- Yes, that is weird.
I can be weird sometimes.
I'm exhausted.
I am going to put myself to bed.
You want to see? Uh, your web series? Just the opening.
Uh, yeah.
Welcome to "Simone's World," my lovelies.
I know, it's been a little minute since my last post, but, let me tell you, my life has been turned upside-down for the past couple of weeks.
[boys shouting] All right, I think the pancakes are ready! All right, everybody, reel it in! That's Abby, my dad's new dime piece.
And even though this blended family is a big TBD, super weird, I gotta say, it's never boring.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, not in a restaurant.
So, let's dive in.
I can't wait to catch you all up.
You ready for this, right? - No.
- No? We need you to be ready.
We need you to be ready.
Simone out.
[upbeat music] It's crazy and I'm sure you hate me, and honestly, I hate myself, believe, a lot.
But after everything, all our bullshit, I've never lied to you, and you know that.
That's not true, actually.
That time you told me our baby sitter was a Russian spy.
I saw that fool on the phone, heard him talking to the Kremlin.
- He was not [laughing] - For real.
- What's going on? - Jo, hey.
- Hi.
- Um, this is my sister Patricia.
Pat, this is Jo Jo owns the bakery and the juice bar.
- Nice to meet you.
- My pleasure.
I see you're having the pomegranate cranberry, that promotes forgiveness and understanding, - emotional healing.
- Jo, we talked, we're okay.
The juice works.
[all chuckling] - Excuse me.
- Okay.
What's going on? - Hey.
- Hey.
How was the rest of the match? It was good.
The weird guy with the lizard on his face, he got hauled off on a stretcher.
- Ooh.
- Pretty exciting.
How did the fictitious paperwork go? Okay, you got me.
I've always been a terrible actor.
What happened to you? I thought we were having a good time why'd you ditch us? You were having a good time, Jo, you and your ex-husband and your kid.
Oh, don't go there, uh-uh.
Frump just got back and he's adjusting and he needs stability and familiar faces, not to mention Zooey she just wanted a normal, fun night out.
You needed that, Jo, you needed that, not them, you.
Look, I can't, I can't talk about this here.
I have a work thing, for real this time.
I'll call you later.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
You gonna be okay? I don't know.
I spoke with my pastor from church this morning.
Leon and I are meeting with him this weekend.
Hold on, Pat.
You're staying with that man? I still love him.
I thought I could shake it, but I can't.
Okay.
Seems like everything turned out okay, huh? Yeah, well, at least something good came out of this whole mess.
Putting the past in the past - Yeah.
- Where that shit belongs.
Hmm.
Knock, knock.
I come bearing lattes and a couple of questions.
Hey.
I got your texts I'm just really swamped, emails and I'm just really hopped up on hormones.
- I get it, D.
- But I'm glad you're here.
I wanted to clear the air.
Nothing happened last night with your brother.
I know I was acting a little weird.
Okay, you both were acting a little weird.
I was, I am in a weird place, as you know, and I let things get a little carried away, but I pulled back before we got to - The brink.
- Mm-hmm.
Delia, my history with my brother, it's messy.
- I know.
- No, you don't.
We have been through a lot together, and he has been through a lot.
And he's finally getting his shit together, and the last thing he needs in his life is complicated, and, Delia, you are the epitome of that.
Wow, okay.
And I love you.
I love you and I am proud of you and I think what you're doing is beautiful and it's brave, and I'm here for you, always.
But stay away from Tony.
Okay? [upbeat music] Simone, Asher! Your mom's going to be here to pick you up soon.
I can't find my bag! You're always losing your stuff, you're such a moron.
Yeah, you moron.
Oh, hello, Charlie and Simone.
We speak to people with respect in this house.
Thank you.
- Abby, can we talk for a second? - Hey.
I didn't hear you come in last night.
Well, I got in late, working.
Yeah, um, I completely humiliated myself last night - And me, both of us.
- And you too.
And I am sorry, I I don't, I don't really know what else to say.
There's nothing else to say.
I get it, I mean, if you were off working late with Jake, how do you think I would've handled it? Um, I'm gonna go with really badly.
Not great, no.
And this event is wrapping up soon.
Okay, thank you.
[knocking on door] Coming! Hi, Colette, come on in.
Thanks.
About my behavior last night, I am sorry, there's really no excuse for it, I just this whole living situation with me and Mike and the kids, I'm finding my way with it, and I was a little overstressed.
But in the end all I really want is for this to feel like a home for everyone when the kids are here, you know? This place will never be their home.
Not my kids, you got it? Let's roll, I'm late.
Hey, Mom.
- Bye, Asher.
- Bye, Charlie.