Girls5eva (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

Alf Musik

1 Ah.
What? It's still dark.
What's going on? Oh, it's the Egg Hunter app.
It says you're ready to be fertilized with an ad for Turf Builder.
Weed & Feed? Why don't you get the paid version? I guess I could do it.
Hey, no, it's too early, and ovulation takes a couple days, so let's just wait till I lay a couple more eggs or whatever.
How do you know so little about the female body? I went to Catholic school.
I only know what they show in paintings.
Gonna be famous five-eva ♪ 'Cause forever's too short ♪ It's too short ♪ Gonna be famous three-gether ♪ 'Cause that's one more than together ♪ Gonna be famous five-ever ♪ cause forever's too short ♪ So what are you waiting five? ♪ Girls5eva ♪ Hello, I'm new here.
I'm not telling you my name.
Our special today is penne à la vodka and Red Bull, and our soup is Italian divorce.
I'll be back with your NDAs.
Great, so great.
Hey, guys, what are we doing? Larry owns everything.
We got Scottie Pippen'd.
What kind of world are we living in where people are taking down other people's content? Okay, I dug up our old agreement with Larry, and I think he used an old Ringling Brothers contract.
Not even for humans for bears.
Why did we sign it? We were kids.
We didn't know.
I really liked my signature.
Bottom line is, he owns all the copyrights, and he can sue if we sing any Girls5eva songs - without his permission.
- Great.
- So now what? I have to keep working here? I can't take this any longer.
Wickie, it's your first day.
Look, our songs were great.
We just need more of them.
How did we even get the old ones? He's an incredi-boy ♪ Up next, "No Hat Required.
" It's either about condoms or a late 1920s shift in men's fashion.
- Either way, try to sound horny.
- Always.
Lar, I-I wrote a song, if we need it after.
Um, it's about something that doesn't kill you - making you stronger.
- What, like vampires? Stay in your lane.
- We got Swedes who handle this.
- It's stupid.
Look, we only have the room for two more minutes, so sing fast.
We'll slow it in post.
Go! You don't need a hat ♪ Hat, hat, hat, hat, hat, hat, hat ♪ Swedes? Pardon.
I got it.
Let me see.
"Lyrics by Alf Mu-usic.
" Well, that sounds Swedish.
Dawn, if you had a mustache, would you want me to tell you that? Our songs were written by Alf Music? Oh, my God, he's written for everyone! Black Eyed Peas, Britney, Katy Perry! He's the one who came up with rhyming - "fire" and "tiger.
" - No! Oh, he has more Grammys than LeVar Burton.
What, you don't follow who wins for audio books? How do we find Alf Music and get him to write us another hit? Eff it.
I am booking us four tickets to Stockholm.
- He lives an hour away.
- Siri, undo! Apparently he's a reclusive, and he never leaves his compound, and he recently turned down a collaboration with Future because he's only concerned with the present.
Jesus, this guy's the big times.
Ooh, I found the main studio line.
There's always a way to meet a man with an ego.
Music-Music International.
How may I hang up on you? This is Jonathan Barron from MasterClass.
We wish to invite Alf Music to be our definitive teacher on our class on birthing a hook.
Alf is out of the country, but I'll relay the message.
Not a problem.
We'll just call David Guetta instead.
- Burn.
- David Guetta? I am superior.
Set the meeting, Emil.
We're in.
The doorway is arched, and the entryway is arched.
We could live like kings in Indianapolis.
That house is $48.
It has a in-ground trampoline.
Maxie, come sit with us.
- Oscar is sitting there.
- Right.
Your invisible friend.
Can you sit on his lap? No, I would hurt him.
Oh, Jesus, the Egg Hunter app.
Insert in five, four It's so aggressive.
My phone was off.
Timing isn't bad though.
They just put the final tile in the backsplash.
I know what that does to you.
I'll set up Max with the iPad.
Uh, don't you want to see if the couple embraces clean lines? What is up with you? Are you not in for another baby? I thought we had a plan.
Two kids, then two dogs.
Then once they're in college and dog cemeteries, we do a thousand puzzles, and then we die.
It's it's just the group.
You know, things are more complicated now.
I I could use some time to figure things out.
If you don't put the addition on now, it'll be too late.
I get it.
I'm 40.
We also need to think about Max.
Are we really gonna deprive him of a sibling? I just don't want him to turn out weird, you know? Max isn't gonna be weird.
If I didn't have my property brother, - my life would be meaningless.
- Oh, Jesus.
I've never been this excited to meet a man.
I mean, Mark Ruffalo at a pet store came close, but I'm sorry, but I requested no conversation.
- Oops.
- I'm preparing ♪ Preparing ♪ - Oh, he's such a cutie.
- Oh.
And I don't lie about that.
I'll call a pig a pig.
Thanks, I know.
- Max is the best.
- Wow.
Yeah, he's a classic New York lonely boy.
- What? - New York lonely boy.
A son born to older parents who's more comfortable around adults than kids.
Yeah, they're all over the city, eating sushi.
They usually wear a fedora, high-fiving a doorman.
That sounds like some Manhattan shit.
We're Queens people.
Our heat comes from one really hot, vertical pipe.
No, they're in all the boroughs except Staten Island 'cause there's never been an only child from there.
How do you know about this? Half my patients have one, but you're in good company.
John Slattery has one.
Kyle MacLachlan has one.
Matthew Broderick is one.
That is it.
Leaping labia! - Oh, my God.
- Yes.
First MasterClass question, Alf.
How would you like to be a part of the biggest comeback in pop music history? Sounds neat.
Fun question.
Teaching is quite easy.
Well, guess what.
- It's us.
- We reunited.
I do not recognize you, which can mean only You are Girls5eva! Coffee order, sir.
Who wants what from the truck? We're the PAs.
A white frittata or mushroom omelet or the soup is ham.
We already did the reveal, guys.
G5E, look at you.
And only one is dead.
That's pretty good, actually.
So you remember us? How could I forget my only failure.
Other than my nine marriages.
I wouldn't use the word failure.
Oh, is there a word in English worse than failure? Because in Swedish, it is It describes a state in one's life when you must shit and your only hut.
- Oh.
- Huh.
My whole career has been touched by Odin's golden thumb Platinum, double platinum But you are the one exception.
Only the one hit.
- You are my white whales.
- That's very rude.
Well, we're back together, so Seize the tonight ♪ From your song, "Seize the Tonight.
" - Yeah.
- Oh.
You use my own beautiful words against me.
I am intrigu-ed, but real talk.
It has been an entire Zendaya since you have recorded music.
A test.
Sing my charade! - Oh, my goodness.
- What? - Okay.
- What? It's a movie ♪ Four words ♪ First word ♪ Something small ♪ We, money ♪ Now he's doing animals ♪ Elephants and tigers ♪ "We Bought a Zoo" ♪ It was the concept of generosity.
- Ugh! - Crap! I almost said that.
But you have more than one good.
- You have the goods.
- Oh, my God.
- The muse has mounted me.
- Oh! - Emil will be in touch! - Okay.
Let him know if you prefer email or text.
FYI, my mouth looks good when it says "wow.
" Dawn, I quit the restaurant.
Look at us, making big moves with major players.
Alf's gonna write us a hit.
And then teens will TikTok to it.
Like Oh! - I don't know.
- Whoa, Dawn.
Charli D'Amelio will figure it out.
Then we get invited to Jingle Ball, then world tour, then standing ovation during the Grammys in memoriam montage.
I skipped over a bunch of stuff.
Don't worry.
We die at 90 in a yacht explosion.
Wait, is that a New York lonely boy ♪ The city's full ♪ Of New York lonely boys ♪ No brother or sister ♪ Just one little mister ♪ He's just another ♪ New York lonely boy ♪ New York lonely boy ♪ His pants are always spiffy ♪ Only sibling is the city ♪ His playground is the lobby ♪ Has a palate for wasabi ♪ The Strand is his Disneyland ♪ He's just another ♪ New York lonely boy ♪ Gloria was right.
Oh, no.
I will not adjust my pace for you! - Hey.
- Hey.
- How was the studio? - Amazing, amazing! Hey, Maxie, baby.
Wow, that is a cool drawing of you and Daddy.
- It's me and Oscar.
- Your imaginary friend? - What isn't he a little boy? - He's a doorman.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, um, hey, hey, hey, let's, um - Let's do something fun, huh? - Okay, Mommy.
- Let's dance! - Yes, let's dance! Let's dance! Okay, you want to do the Elmo Slide or Alexa play "The Daily.
" Today on "The Daily," our broken Shut up, Michael Barbaro! Alexa, shut up! Ugh, I'm gonna give you to Goodwill.
- Alexa, off.
- Aw, man.
Are you okay? We are not giving Max a normal childhood.
He's a New York lonely boy.
We need to make a baby now.
I'll get the iPad.
No, um it'll be fine.
I'll fix him.
Help yourself to smoked salmon.
We have it in fish or vape.
Fuck me.
This is pole caught.
Whoa, what is this award? Alf's Bjorky, the ultimate Nordic music prize.
Resist the urge to stare directly into it.
- Alf will be with you - Now.
- Oh.
- Smart house, heard it all.
I birthed a seriously hot hook.
It arrived during a sauna fever.
Let's lay it down fresh.
Just feel it, you know, messy, messy.
Raw as surstromming.
- Okay.
- I'll lead it off.
- Of course, of course.
- And playback.
You started to tingle ♪ But I wasn't believing ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ Saw your ring finger ♪ Till I was uneven ♪ Booty pop flamp, wow ♪ Slam it to the right ♪ Booty pop flamp left, now slam it to the side ♪ Booty pop flamp now, side pieces for life ♪ Don't tell your wife ♪ Flamp, wow, flamp, wow, flamp, wow ♪ Sorry, Alf.
This song is five stars, wow, wow, wow, but could I just go grab a tea real quick - to slick my instrument? - Sure, sore Wickers.
I need to take a smoke break anyway.
Let's take five hours.
Group meeting now.
Oh, my goodness.
- What is wrong with you two? - Yeah! I don't know about that song.
- What? - Yes, thank you.
Do we really want to call ourselves - side pieces for life? - Oh, right.
Because it should be "side pieces five life.
" I mean, my nieces shouldn't aspire to be side pieces.
They are built to be farmers.
I thought Alf was gonna write us - a fun song like our old stuff.
- Are you kidding? That song is exactly like our old stuff.
'Cause our eyes ♪ Are so much bluer ♪ When we cry ♪ If my man does cheat ♪ We'll only get real mad at the other girl ♪ It was her fault only ♪ Jail bait ♪ Great at sex ♪ But it's our first time ♪ We may be incredible, we may be incredible ♪ But that don't mean we're credible ♪ But that don't mean we're credible ♪ Sometimes girls lie, shh ♪ How have I never noticed this? Do earworms bore holes in your brain? We performed "Dream Girlfriends" last week.
There's a whole verse about how we agree that female stand-ups are a drag.
Oh, my God.
Are we part of the problem? Did we cause Hillary to lose Pennsylvania? Oh, grow up! This is pop music, - not Vermont public radio.
- Yeah.
We were no wronger than anyone else.
Britney, " I'm A Slave 4 U," Destiny's Child "Cater 2 U,".
ABBA, "Dancing Queen" - was only 17.
- Right.
You two are just being prudes.
Oh, no, ma'am, no.
- I power walk to "WAP", okay? - Mm-hmm.
I am positively sex-positive.
I will whip out a titty right now like a hard-boiled egg.
I get why we sang this stuff as teenagers, but we have adult ear holes now.
Don't mess this up for me.
I have a lot riding on this group.
And I don't? I'm putting off having a second baby for this group.
So what do you want? A song that's all We are always doctors ♪ Well, you're undermining your point because that sounds freaking amazing.
Then let me sing it.
It would be like We are always doctors ♪ - Oh, honey.
- Well, what do you want to do? Tell a guy with a thousand Grammys that we don't like his song? Yeah, what do you want to do? Smart house.
You have a problem with my song? I worked quite hard on it.
40 minutes, 20 metric.
No, it's fire.
I was thinking of adding a Whoa-oh ♪ right before "cram it wherever.
" Yeah, let's lay that down, ladies.
Vanta, vanta.
You too why do you look like children during darkness months? Well, since you took Wickie's note about "wow," I'm not crazy about calling myself a side piece.
No judgment on side pieces if that's a piece's choice.
It just doesn't feel very reflective of my life.
Music isn't facts, Dawn.
Okay, "Despaticito"? Like, that's not a real word.
My song is not accurate to your experience? Well, certainly not my verse where I bed down a teenage boy.
I mean, I'm deep-fried gay, Alf.
I could write a bridge where you experiment with a tattoo waitress for your boyfriend's birthday.
I love women when they are gay like this.
- I may not be gay like that.
- I might be.
We don't know.
- What? - I have spent my whole career writing songs for women, but now you make me feel as if I know nothing.
- We didn't mean to offend you.
- You have not offended me.
You have challenged me.
This is garbage for Girls5eva.
Oh! I will write you a song fresh and authentic from an adult woman's perspective.
But maybe leave out the mom stuff.
It won't sell.
I'm not a magician.
Please do.
It's so gross.
- That was empowering.
- We got lucky.
Whatever he comes back with, we are taking.
Well, obvs.
I have never been the problem here.
- Did I put my breasts back? Yeah, I did.
I knew that I did, but I always worry that I didn't like leaving a curling iron on.
Okay, what flavor do you want, buddy? - Earl Grey.
- Earl Grey? Jesus, okay.
They don't have that.
What about what about chocolate? No, thank you, Mama.
Mama, can we go there? Uh, just come have some chocolate, Max.
I don't want to! - Have a childhood! - Don't fight it.
Sorry, I didn't mean to bother you, but it looks like you've got yourself a New York lonely boy there.
Um yeah.
I guess I do, John Slattery.
All I can say is congratulations.
A New York lonely boy is the greatest gift - a parent could ask for.
- It is? Heck, yeah.
I had five siblings.
I was too busy fighting for food to develop a single goddamn interest, but this kid, he teaches us things.
He knows Mandarin.
He makes sourdough bread.
He makes these little movies.
Oh, with the marionettes.
It's very imaginative.
Yeah, loves museums.
Oh, he's really good at a dinner party.
And what was that thing you said the other night? Never trust a restaurant on a corner.
He's right.
They always phone it in.
Every day's like father's day.
He's our best friend.
Don't worry.
They don't stay lonely forever.
Before you know it, they're dating a 23-year-old named Lucy.
She's a landscape architect, but she also submits fiction to "The New Yorker.
" So I won't ruin my son by not having another baby? No, if anything, the baby will ruin him.
Want to meet my friend Oscar? Sure I would.
Hello, Oscar.
They all have these adult imaginary friends.
I thought we had a ghost for weeks until some therapist told me it's because they idolize their grandfathers.
These kids are incredible.
- Thank you so much.
- Pleasure.
Now go get him a weird jazz hat and a $40 pen.
Go ahead, buddy.
Come on, Oscar! Remember, no edits.
Hey, as long as he took our notes, I'm happy.
- Jinx.
- That's not how jinx works.
Wait, whatever it is, let's be sexy sailors in the video cause I already learned knots.
I apologize for before.
I behave like, - a sickly little prince.
- Oh.
But I stayed up all night and created something wholly original - Okay.
- For Girls5eva.
What is it about me? ♪ Ooh it's a spooky one.
- Why do I do this thing? ♪ - Loving it! Why do I act that way? ♪ Because I am invisible ♪ Visible, invisible ♪ Woman ♪ Sadness woman ♪ Invisible woman ♪ Vanta, vanta.
I'm I'm sorry, Alf But what is this? An authentic anthem for Girls5eva.
How so? Typically, when I write songs about women, I just take a Buzzfeed quiz about Disney princesses.
- I'm a Jasmine.
- Me too.
But you made me realize I need to go deeper, so I observed you in my driveway smart house.
You have a square car that is not fit for any music video, not even for a commercial about Maryland.
I saw you freshen your armpit with a Listerine breath strip.
You excitedly took a call from spam risk.
Hello? Oh, my insurance has run out.
They hung up first.
Well, that's not indicative of the whole group.
My thought as well, so I followed you last night.
- You are the most fascinating.
- Thank you.
I witnessed your harrowing journey to buy Baked Lay's from a Duane Reade.
Your boots could not accommodate the ramp, but instead of leaving, you choose to scoot up it like a toddler.
No one helped you, nor did it seem like you expected them to.
Well, that's the end of my thing.
Inside, it seemed like your prayers had been answered, but the machine, she had a different plan.
Shit! Help! Sadness ♪ Woman ♪ Instead of abandoning the shoe, you just replaced it with an inverted cola bottle, a shoe you are still wearing today.
Ugh, they were $3,000.
What lives are these? There was no VIP, no bottles popping, no featurings of Pitbull, and it was Friday.
One has got to get down on Friday.
It was so sad to me.
Look - I may live in a hell hole - Hey! And I may spend part of each day trying to locate where one of my implants medically migrated to - Swung over to the left side.
- But I am not sad.
Well, you must take this or leave this.
I can give you no more.
I play this for Justin Bieber's pastor, and he called it Jingle Ball material.
- Jingle Ball! - No.
I'm sorry, Alf, but I'm not sad either.
I like my life, and I love my New York lonely boy.
Not sad.
I mean, sometimes I get horned up when I listen to murder podcasts, - but that's been a while.
- Guys, what are we doing? - We need a song.
- Then I'll write it.
I used to write before Larry shot me down.
I wrote the jingle for my brother's first business.
Sprinkle your ash ♪ But never your cash at Solano's Crematorium ♪ Okay, not going lie.
That is actually a panty-dropper.
So you are saying no to me? Thank you, Alf, but Girls5eva Is officially leaving it.
Thank you.
I have never yet before felt the sting of Loki's iron sickle of rejection.
I must use it.
Emil, get me Ed Sheeran.
Guess what.
I'm gonna write songs.
That's exciting.
And I decided I don't want to get pregnant.
I like what we have, and Max is gonna be fine.
I know.
I ran into Kyle MacLachlan today, but, Dawn I still want another baby.
I love being a dad.
That's the only thing I'm good at besides mastering the AeroPress.
So this conversation isn't over.
Really? You're so sure of yourself.
- Why am I horny? - You're ovulating.
How do you know so little about the female Oh, shut up! Hat required! - Pass.
- Intercourse detected.
Let's turn up your cartoons, Max.
- Wait, what are you watching? - The situation is stable.
" Sure.
Why not? I insist it's stable.
New York lonely boy ♪ The city's full ♪ Of New York lonely boys ♪ Forget the Power Rangers ♪ He prefers small talk with strangers ♪ He's just another New York lonely boy ♪ He's a boy ♪ Who's never seen Chuck E.
Cheese ♪ Just a host of documentaries ♪ Expertly mixes plaids ♪ Best friends are mom and dad ♪ New York lonely boy ♪ He has a favorite font ♪ Trick or treats at a restaurant ♪ Can't wait till tomorrow ♪ To wake up to Michael Barbaro ♪ He loves couples in their 40s ♪ Dazzles dinner parties with his stories ♪ A sophisticated toddler ♪ Naming pigeons isn't odd for ♪ Another New York ♪ A sweet and gentle New York ♪ Another New York ♪ Lonely boy ♪ - Goodnight, everybody! - Goodnight!
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