Girls5eva (2021) s01e07 Episode Script
A.I.R.P.I.G.
1
ALL: From Tokyo to the Amazon ♪
Paris, France, to your front lawn ♪
Everybody's doing,
everybody's doing the splingy ♪
The splingy? Dope.
But how? Woah-oooh ♪ ALL: First you grab your ear like ♪ What's that noise? Shimmy, shimmy ♪ Shake it down to the ground, two-handed salute ♪ Then back it up, back it up, back it up, back it up ♪ Ooh! Sorry, Spencer.
Obviously this is not the venue to debut the splingy.
It's meant to be performed on top of a building with adequate netting.
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE.]
[UPBEAT POP MUSIC.]
Gonna be famous 5 eva ♪ 'Cause forever's too short ♪ It's too short ♪ Gonna be famous 3 gether ♪ Cause that's one more than together ♪ Gonna be famous 5 eva ♪ 'Cause forever's too short ♪ So what are you waiting five ♪ Girls5eva ♪ Whoo! These new songs are shootin' outa me like chin hairs.
Listen to this one I started last night.
She elevates, that's for sure ♪ A revelation to her core ♪ - Ah.
- Fun.
- Is that about me? - Yes.
Dawn.
- Olivia Colman.
- Oh, I love her.
Equally at home in comedy and drama.
Oh, you guys, Zander's lip-sync of Gloria just hit three million views.
What? My DMs are filthy.
I can't even open them up on the train.
That means, like, three million people have heard part of "Four Stars.
" We have songs.
- We have buzz.
- Yes.
The next step to getting invited to Jingle Ball, get on the radio.
I say we hit this.
Air pig? The Association of Integrated.
Radio Programmers International Group.
One weekend.
400 DJs.
Larry had us do one of those.
Remember? And by the time we left "Famous5eva" - was all over the radio.
- That's right.
Yes, and we didn't even have to do anything creepy, if you didn't count when Sumner Redstone asked us to share a banana.
- Yes! I'm all in.
- Ah! - Tomorrow, we go to Tampa.
- Wait, Tampa? Like, Kev's Tampa? I've never been! - What? - Oh, my God! Hey, babe, um, guess who's coming to Tampa? Brooks & Dunn.
I know, I just got that same alert.
[LAUGHS.]
No! Me is coming.
Oh, my Lord.
I can't wait.
I know, me too! Babe, where do we live? [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
♪ Baby! Wa, wa, goo, goo, ga, ga, hey baby! Ooh, hi baby.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Hello, Gloria.
Hey, Kev.
What do you think? - I love! - Yay! Hey, Sum, where do you want me to drop your bag? Maybe I can just walk it through all the rooms and you can tell me when to drop it.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's okay, Gloria.
- I have that.
- No, I got it.
I got it.
Ha.
New place, huh? Not much furniture.
No, not new.
Just always at work, work, work.
That's a Rihanna reference for you.
Or church, church, church, - Pastor Chaz reference.
- Oh, Pastor Chaz.
I think it's just very chic.
That is my realtor, yeah, yeah.
And she got me this place a long time ago.
She looks very different now.
Ugh, thanks for the D-off, Glo.
Yeah, no prob.
Ribbons still in your AC, huh, Kev? Oh, uh, yeah, yeah.
You know, I like 'em so I just said, you know what? Leave 'em on, kids.
It's a party.
Yeah.
So fun.
- Hey, Sum.
- Yeah? Wanna walk me to the stairs? - Sure.
- Bye, Kev.
- Bye.
- What? What? I don't wanna ruin your weekend, but that place looked like it was staged 20 minutes ago.
He has to be with someone else.
What about the condoms on the credit card? The hotels in the Keys, I mean Stop, we're doing amazing.
Gloria, he's coming home two weekends a month, and last weekend we had sex in the same room.
You're fooling yourself.
You're clinging to a fantasy.
Eyes on the prize.
This weekend we are here for business.
You should be focused on A.
I.
R.
P.
I.
G.
and A.
I.
R.
P.
I.
G.
only.
Okay, I'll see you later.
Let's wear pink.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
♪ Welcome to the belly of the beast.
Next.
- Checking in.
- Girls5eva talent.
Chrissy Teigen's making ants on a log on Instagram, and guess whose song is playing in the background? You're welcome.
Blake, sometimes you just gotta let Gwen be Gwen.
Kamala, of course I can talk.
- Who is that? - Nance Trace.
Mega manager and A.
I.
R.
P.
I.
G.
keynote speaker.
I bet she wouldn't lock us in a tanning booth and sell the footage to a Brazilian prank show.
It definitely wasn't funny at the time, but then after, I was like, pff, I get it.
Your passes? Thumb drives of our new songs.
Got 'em.
Crazy stories for the shot jocks.
My apartment building is like "Rear Window" but for masturbators.
And for the Christian DJs, I brought my acrylic nail that I saw the face of Jesus in.
- Okay.
- Let's go blow minds.
Yes.
I'm Leonard Crust, and you're listening to my new single, "I Feel Sexual about the Flag," featuring the DaBaby on Gazum97, the Gazum.
- [AIRHORN.]
- Bull's eye, Lenny.
DJ Squeeeb! We are Girls5eva and we have some fresh jams we would love you to play on your show, show, show.
- Fog horn sound effect.
- [IMITATES FOG HORN.]
I can't take unsolicited material.
Anything could be on there, unlicensed samples, malware, Louis C.
K.
Bits I'd feel wrong to laugh at now.
But we went viral, three million views.
Well, Toilet the Cat got 40 million views for getting bangs, but you don't hear her on the radio.
- Get out, Girls5eva! - [ALL GROAN.]
Hey, eyes up here, my knees are a mess.
Hello, Laurence.
I'm just about done showing off my B-pop group.
- Your what? - K-pop's saturated, so I'm getting a jump on the other letters.
My boys are Bulgarian.
I found them in Little Sofia racing pocket bikes.
Anyhow, you want me to walk you around? I know this place like the back of my knees.
Don't look at those either.
No, we're with Nance Trace now, Larry.
You are? - You are? - [AIRHORN.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, twist! You didn't you say so? We usually let Nance take care of details like that.
We'll have her reach out.
How are we gonna get to Nance? All her security have cauliflower ear, - including the girls.
- We'll figure it out.
When did she get Nance to sign us? Could you sneak away for sush tomorrow? Aw, I wish I could.
Of course, TIT turned up my whole schedule full tilt the one weekend you're here.
I was like, come on, Tom Brady.
Now's the time you pick to start eating bread again? I'm going to go sonic my veneers.
Well, maybe I could come to your work? Oh, I don't know, babe.
I think I'd be too in my head if you were there.
It's like how 95% of plane crashes happen because the pilot's spouse was watching.
[CHUCKLES.]
[LINE TRILLING.]
WTIT Tampa.
Think our name is wild, ask about our advertising rates.
If I wanted to have sushi delivered to my husband, Kev Hamlin, tomorrow, where would I have it sent to? Oh, Kev hasn't worked here in several months.
You said you're his wife? Uh, no.
This is a prank call.
[RASPBERRIES.]
J.
K.
You should call 911 because you're burned.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Uh-huh.
Hope you weren't planning on getting any sleep tonight.
Ooh! Oopsie.
Well, that's your fault for being so hot, babe.
Night, night.
[GENTLE MUSIC.]
♪ Bummer city, they want me to come in early AF.
That's "as Frank.
" That's our sound guy.
So I gotta go.
[KISS.]
Yeah.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[SCREAMS.]
No! Fricking air mattress! Where is his real life? He doesn't even work at WTI any more, Gloria.
It's all lies.
We're following his Mini Coop.
Faster, old man! I'm a retiree.
I-I just do this to give my wife some alone time.
If it's a woman, she better not be hotter than me.
And if it's a man, he'd better be hotter than me.
And if it's a sex cult, it'd better sweep the doc category at the Emmys.
It's just gonna be a guy, Sum.
It's just gonna be a nice, loving guy.
Worst case, they adopted a bull dog.
Oh, look, there, he pulled over up there.
- Okay.
- Do not punch him! ♪ You're a cheater! What? Who would've thought it would be impossible to get into a 7:20 a.
m.
keynote? That was like a Dr.
Shmigel demonstrates new bonding techniques crowded.
Couldn't you have lied and said that we were repped by a more approachable manager? A lie is just the truth on a deadline.
We just need another way to get to Nance.
What if we pretend someone hired us to sing for her? - Her cousin Lauren.
- Scooter Braun.
- Her mom's friend Angie.
- How about Lionel Richie? Her other cousin Kristin, who everybody hates.
- Danger Mouse! - I don't have it yet.
But we tell the front desk to send us to her room.
And then we're like.
Happy Birthday to you ♪ Okay, on the Wikipedia page it says that her favorite singer is Celine Dion.
Maybe we do it like, Happy Birthday ♪ BOTH: To you ♪ Happy birthday ♪ Ladies, it should not be this hard! Guys, not for nothing, but I didn't watch all this true crime TV and not learn how to kidnap somebody.
Step one, don't develop feelings for the mark.
- Jesus.
I can hear you.
- Nance! Obviously, we were kidding about abducting you.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- I respect the hustle.
You're part of Girls5eva, right? - Yeah.
- I remember you.
You had that song on the soundtrack of "Blue Crush.
" - Yeah, "T.
B.
F.
" - T.
B.
F.
♪ Tiny butts forever ♪ Two silver dollar pancakes in jeans ♪ This will be what people like forever ♪ T.
B.
F.
, tiny butts in jeans ♪ - Ha-hah! - That was us.
I had that CD in my car when I first moved to LA.
Well, you still sound great.
We're looking for new management? I-I gotta get in there and start that keynote before all those boy bands pop boners and age out.
But I-I do believe in women helping women.
So, uh, come to the presidential suite at 4:14.
Okay, here's our new music and some family pictures from a trip to Gettysburg.
Just ignore those.
Or don't.
Enjoy them.
[LAUGHTER.]
T.
B.
F.
tiny butts forever ♪ You followed me? What am I looking at here, Kev? It's a sanctuary for crabs.
Are you fucking little crabs? No! How? I There's a shortage of shells down here because tourists take them off the beach.
Okay.
I've just been helping these special guys and gals graduate to larger casings.
They can use almost anything as a home.
They really take to doll heads.
Why are you doing this? To protect them.
If it wasn't for me, they'd be homeless and sundried and dead.
I give them everything they need to thrive.
They even get a custom crab-itat.
Come, come.
The theme of this one is the Roaring 20s.
Is that one selling newspapers? I'm so happy you noticed that.
I know this is a lot to take in.
I didn't want to tell you because it doesn't go with the, you know, Kev brand of effortless breezy cool.
You could have told me you got fired.
I didn't.
I quit.
I'm making decent enough money on Cameo, and I am working on something big.
It's a miniature Paris so they can finally go! No.
No, no, this doesn't explain all the trips to the Keys.
Home to nine types of hermit crabs, including the elusive long-claw.
The two-seater Sea-Doo.
Running them back from Keys.
- Charges to the florist.
- Flowers mask the smell.
It really doesn't.
What about the bulk order of condoms? It's the perfect slow drip water source.
Okay.
I imagined a lot of things that I might find here.
No part of me was prepared for this.
Babe, my whole life, I've been in a box.
I was doing commercials before I could read.
Mm-mm.
Mommy, for dessert, can we have more soup? Then I played a string of troubled nephews on local soap operas.
You made one mistake, Uncle.
Having a sister who had me.
Then a talent scout heard me singing at my mall church, and I was in Boys Next Door.
Girl you can put me in the mood ♪ Let's do kissing but never nude ♪ Look who went through pubert, dude ♪ It's the Boys Next Door ♪ Deeper voice and shiny eyes ♪ Growth spurt hardly recognized ♪ Look who went through pubert, guys ♪ It's the Boys Next Door ♪ Then I went straight into the big old box of marriage.
Babe, I've never had anything that was just mine until I became a crab prince.
So you're not cheating on me? Never! I don't even look down at it.
Babe, I love you.
This has nothing to do with us.
It's just my thang.
You have your thangs, Girls5eva and Peloton and wondering what I'm up to.
I guess that's true.
Just give this to me, okay? [GENTLE MUSIC.]
I guess it's better than golf.
Oh, that is such a chiller point, babe.
- Where is she? - Oh.
Summer, come on.
We got a meeting with Nance.
- That's amazing! - Who's Kev skoinking? Oh, it's so funny.
- No one.
- I'm sorry? He's just secretly rehabilitating thousands of hermit crabs and he's building them a Paris.
Oh, boy, this is some AP level repression coming out sideways here.
Right before I came out, I was, even among steampunk circles, considered way too into steampunk.
[LIVELY MUSIC.]
No, I'm sorry.
You've gotten into my head too many times.
Kev is a really good guy.
Of course, he's a great guy! Everybody loves Kev! But this is about you, Summer.
How many days have you seen him this year? - 16 and a quarter.
- You deserve a real partner.
Birthdays, communication, fights, nachos.
Oh, my gosh, stop! I am going to punch you! Take your shot, you piece of gold.
And if I am not out cold, I will punch you back so hard that the police will wonder where the adolescent chimp is.
What are you doing? Do not bring this energy into Nance's suite.
You make up, right now.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry too.
- I really do love you.
- I love you too.
- Come on.
Come on.
- I love you more, come on.
I love you.
We can't go empty-handed.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Hi.
We brought you these.
Yeah, I realize, Nance, you and I met briefly years ago, at Ashlee Simpson's Walk of Fame removal ceremony.
I'm concerned about the time, so I'm gonna dive right in.
So I thought about you today, and you do have a little traction right now.
Performing with Little Stinker.
[LAUGHTER.]
Your rant going viral.
- My brief affair with Cray.
- My salad.
And I did listen to the new music.
Dawn is our writerer.
You sure do know how to write a hook, Dawn.
- Thank you, I do.
- I see potential here.
- Oh.
- I want to work with you.
ALL: Ah! Hot damn, Jingle Ball, here we come.
What? No, no.
Girls5eva needs to break up.
Break up? Navigating this industry as a group is a fool's errand.
It's only sustainable for a handful of people at the top.
The touring, the gigging, fronting your own money for music videos as a vanity project but I do see individual potential here.
Dawn, I have acts that need ear warms.
I could easily sell "Four Stars," and Bad Bunny could do amazing things with the splingy.
That song is very personal.
We want to tour.
I mean, we want to show our dogs the world.
But ten shows a week is grueling.
Gloria, I have artists that pay for a dentist to travel with them just to maintain their grillz.
You call them a grill.
I call them a storm drain for oral bacteria.
And Wickie, you are incredibly telegenic.
And you're full of your own catch phrases.
My mouth is a T-shirt gun of wisdom, and my ass is what babies are based on.
Like that, exactly.
I could get you a six-figure deal as a judge on "American Warrior Singer.
" [GASPS.]
Mmm.
It films 58 weeks a year in Atlanta.
- Atlanta? - Tax breaks.
- And Summer, so many options.
- Really? The Jesus-y arm of the Hallmark movie circuit.
Yeah.
Bladder leak underpants campaign.
- I love those.
- Woo.
So, if we sign with you, there'll be no more Girls5eva? What even is Girls5eva? You were thrown together by Larry Plumb when the state took away his animal acts.
Wait.
What if you rep us as a group for one year, and then we Look, I'm trying to help you here, but this meeting is already 14 seconds over time, which means my dog will only get head scritches tonight.
Let Ermes know no tum-tum rubs.
Now, I promise you this is the best anyone will offer you.
Think about it.
But not for too long.
I'm wheels up at 8:12 and anchors down at 9:00.
I am going to take the sea plane to my boat.
Oh.
Okay.
- Ah! - Good, we agree.
This was never about money for me.
It was about being part of something.
Because I love you guys.
- We love you.
- And you're all in my will.
ALL: Oh! I have a parrot I haven't talked about who won't die, and one of you is getting him.
Yeah, I couldn't leave you guys and go be on TV in Atlanta.
I don't want to dress up to go to the mall.
And I'm not selling "Four Stars.
" I mean, our talent got us on the radio before.
No, it didn't.
[SIGHS.]
It's not a sunburn.
I nodded off at Benihana.
You're not a part of this, Larry.
You think your talent got you on the radio back when my knees were gorgeous? You know how many people have talent? How come every crack head's first offer is I'll suck your dick? - Ugh! - Work up to that, people.
Maybe start with, I'll digitize your old photos.
[LAUGHS.]
See? Talent's a dime a dozen.
The only reason you got on the radio was because I paid.
- Paid who? - I made a sizeable donation to the promotional budget of Johnny and the Doink over at CrouchFM.
Oh.
The Doink did have suspiciously nice air horns.
Okay, but our talent kept us on the radio for 21 weeks.
Why you always got to fart in our tights, Larry? Maybe I'm mad because my B-pop group sold me a fake cell phone and stole my rental car but you're clinging to a fantasy.
This biz may seem all shiny and perfect on the outside, but inside it's full of crab.
- Crab, what? - Crap! Ow! My burnt face makes it hard to say Ps.
Ow.
That's enough, Larry.
Just get outta here! I can't.
This is where I'm supposed to meet the hotel nurse.
Oh, it's a guy.
Forget it.
I'll just stick my face in the pool.
Ow.
Larry's right.
I am clinging to a fantasy.
The Kev stuff sinks in because Larry accidentally said it? Well, I'm sorry, he's still an authority figure to me because he wears a very big watch.
Whatever, I'll take it.
Good for you, Summer! Sometimes you just need a little push ♪ To find a home ♪ Hack yeah, Rebecca.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Hey, babe.
[GENTLE MUSIC.]
Kev, I love you.
But this isn't a real relationship.
There are lies, and you're never home.
I deserve more.
And don't just say that you're gonna come home three weekends a month.
I couldn't do that.
That's too much.
This place would look like Jonestown.
I don't want to pretend that everything is fine just because I love being half of Summer and Kev.
I mean, the most intimate experience I had this year was riding a city bike over cobblestones.
- It's not normal.
- Hey, nothing's going on.
At least I'm not golfing! [LAUGHS.]
Okay, Kev.
If you have, like, unprocessed feelings, - let's talk about those.
- No, no, no, I am all good.
I am eatin' good in the neighborhood.
That's an Applebee's reference.
I just think it means something that you want to spend all your time saving creatures that hide.
I don't want to talk, Summer.
I just want to watch this crab graduate from one doll head to a slightly larger doll head.
And I don't know or care to explore why.
Well, then I can't keep doing this.
Maybe instead of being Summer and Kev we should just be Summer.
And Kev.
What are you talking about? Separate websites? I'll never give you that.
[SIGHS.]
I'm talking about divorce, babe.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
♪ Ugh! - You okay? - Why am I being an idiot? There's a real job on the other side of that door, a job on TV, where I get to go, [FAKE LAUGH.]
we'll be right back.
But I can't leave them again, they're my friends.
If I got offered, literally, any other job than this one, I would take it.
So many big pubes on tiny soaps.
Nance, thank you so much.
I'm really glad it worked out.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
That little stinker.
♪ I am starving.
Benihana? I want you to know I don't judge you because I did it too.
How are we gonna tell Summer and Gloria? - Tell them what? - I saw you upstairs, Dawn.
You took the deal, so then I took the deal.
What? Wickie, I didn't take the deal.
I went back to Nance and sold "Stronger than the Best" and "Monster Mash 2," our scraps.
What? My flight to Atlanta leaves in 40 minutes! Because reality TV judges work tugboat captain hours.
You're Wickie-ing? Because I thought you were Wickie-ing! I went to Nance for us, because I'm all in.
I got us money to put back into the group! [PHONE CHIMES.]
Ugh, my driver's here.
Shit! So undo it, Wickie! I don't know, Dawn.
Maybe Nance is right and this is the best it's gonna get.
I'm sorry.
Spend the money on your kid's college.
I already spent it.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
It's DJ Squeeeb here with a new track I'm only playing because it appeals to my taste.
"Four Stars" by Girls5eva.
[AIR HORN.]
Ooh, that sounds like a new air horn.
She got us on the radio.
So Atlanta, huh? What you got, like, best friends there? I'm here with you ♪ Then you whip your hair like ♪ Watch me now, snappy, snappy ♪ Figure eights with your waist ♪ Wink with two eyes then shrug it out ♪ Shrug it out, shrug it out ♪ Pop your hip, front dip, jacket zip ♪ Hat tip, chef's kiss, floppy wrist ♪ You can't handle this ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, you've got it now ♪ You're starting to splingy ♪ Take a breath and stretch it out ♪ 'Cause it's just beginning ♪ Next you get all shy ♪ Like you wanna cry but it's just an act ♪ You're not shy, so try ♪ Now feature your butt then spin around ♪ Spin about, spin it till you hear the sound ♪ [BELL DINGS.]
That wasn't the sound ♪ - Keep on spinning ♪ - [THUNDER RUMBLES.]
Yeah that was the sound ♪ You can safely stop ♪ So you can start to trucker horn ♪ Trapped then walk but sexual ♪ Waggy, waggy ♪ Quick belt change, but deranged ♪ Grind up on a gust ♪ Then shake it out, shake it out, shake it out ♪ Jog in place, frame your face ♪ Give chase, first base, show some lace ♪ Robot face, go ahead and flip your space ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, you've all got it now ♪ That's the thingy ♪ Only thing left to do is repeat it two more times ♪ To make one complete splingy ♪ - Good night, everybody! - Good night!
But how? Woah-oooh ♪ ALL: First you grab your ear like ♪ What's that noise? Shimmy, shimmy ♪ Shake it down to the ground, two-handed salute ♪ Then back it up, back it up, back it up, back it up ♪ Ooh! Sorry, Spencer.
Obviously this is not the venue to debut the splingy.
It's meant to be performed on top of a building with adequate netting.
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE.]
[UPBEAT POP MUSIC.]
Gonna be famous 5 eva ♪ 'Cause forever's too short ♪ It's too short ♪ Gonna be famous 3 gether ♪ Cause that's one more than together ♪ Gonna be famous 5 eva ♪ 'Cause forever's too short ♪ So what are you waiting five ♪ Girls5eva ♪ Whoo! These new songs are shootin' outa me like chin hairs.
Listen to this one I started last night.
She elevates, that's for sure ♪ A revelation to her core ♪ - Ah.
- Fun.
- Is that about me? - Yes.
Dawn.
- Olivia Colman.
- Oh, I love her.
Equally at home in comedy and drama.
Oh, you guys, Zander's lip-sync of Gloria just hit three million views.
What? My DMs are filthy.
I can't even open them up on the train.
That means, like, three million people have heard part of "Four Stars.
" We have songs.
- We have buzz.
- Yes.
The next step to getting invited to Jingle Ball, get on the radio.
I say we hit this.
Air pig? The Association of Integrated.
Radio Programmers International Group.
One weekend.
400 DJs.
Larry had us do one of those.
Remember? And by the time we left "Famous5eva" - was all over the radio.
- That's right.
Yes, and we didn't even have to do anything creepy, if you didn't count when Sumner Redstone asked us to share a banana.
- Yes! I'm all in.
- Ah! - Tomorrow, we go to Tampa.
- Wait, Tampa? Like, Kev's Tampa? I've never been! - What? - Oh, my God! Hey, babe, um, guess who's coming to Tampa? Brooks & Dunn.
I know, I just got that same alert.
[LAUGHS.]
No! Me is coming.
Oh, my Lord.
I can't wait.
I know, me too! Babe, where do we live? [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
♪ Baby! Wa, wa, goo, goo, ga, ga, hey baby! Ooh, hi baby.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Hello, Gloria.
Hey, Kev.
What do you think? - I love! - Yay! Hey, Sum, where do you want me to drop your bag? Maybe I can just walk it through all the rooms and you can tell me when to drop it.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's okay, Gloria.
- I have that.
- No, I got it.
I got it.
Ha.
New place, huh? Not much furniture.
No, not new.
Just always at work, work, work.
That's a Rihanna reference for you.
Or church, church, church, - Pastor Chaz reference.
- Oh, Pastor Chaz.
I think it's just very chic.
That is my realtor, yeah, yeah.
And she got me this place a long time ago.
She looks very different now.
Ugh, thanks for the D-off, Glo.
Yeah, no prob.
Ribbons still in your AC, huh, Kev? Oh, uh, yeah, yeah.
You know, I like 'em so I just said, you know what? Leave 'em on, kids.
It's a party.
Yeah.
So fun.
- Hey, Sum.
- Yeah? Wanna walk me to the stairs? - Sure.
- Bye, Kev.
- Bye.
- What? What? I don't wanna ruin your weekend, but that place looked like it was staged 20 minutes ago.
He has to be with someone else.
What about the condoms on the credit card? The hotels in the Keys, I mean Stop, we're doing amazing.
Gloria, he's coming home two weekends a month, and last weekend we had sex in the same room.
You're fooling yourself.
You're clinging to a fantasy.
Eyes on the prize.
This weekend we are here for business.
You should be focused on A.
I.
R.
P.
I.
G.
and A.
I.
R.
P.
I.
G.
only.
Okay, I'll see you later.
Let's wear pink.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
♪ Welcome to the belly of the beast.
Next.
- Checking in.
- Girls5eva talent.
Chrissy Teigen's making ants on a log on Instagram, and guess whose song is playing in the background? You're welcome.
Blake, sometimes you just gotta let Gwen be Gwen.
Kamala, of course I can talk.
- Who is that? - Nance Trace.
Mega manager and A.
I.
R.
P.
I.
G.
keynote speaker.
I bet she wouldn't lock us in a tanning booth and sell the footage to a Brazilian prank show.
It definitely wasn't funny at the time, but then after, I was like, pff, I get it.
Your passes? Thumb drives of our new songs.
Got 'em.
Crazy stories for the shot jocks.
My apartment building is like "Rear Window" but for masturbators.
And for the Christian DJs, I brought my acrylic nail that I saw the face of Jesus in.
- Okay.
- Let's go blow minds.
Yes.
I'm Leonard Crust, and you're listening to my new single, "I Feel Sexual about the Flag," featuring the DaBaby on Gazum97, the Gazum.
- [AIRHORN.]
- Bull's eye, Lenny.
DJ Squeeeb! We are Girls5eva and we have some fresh jams we would love you to play on your show, show, show.
- Fog horn sound effect.
- [IMITATES FOG HORN.]
I can't take unsolicited material.
Anything could be on there, unlicensed samples, malware, Louis C.
K.
Bits I'd feel wrong to laugh at now.
But we went viral, three million views.
Well, Toilet the Cat got 40 million views for getting bangs, but you don't hear her on the radio.
- Get out, Girls5eva! - [ALL GROAN.]
Hey, eyes up here, my knees are a mess.
Hello, Laurence.
I'm just about done showing off my B-pop group.
- Your what? - K-pop's saturated, so I'm getting a jump on the other letters.
My boys are Bulgarian.
I found them in Little Sofia racing pocket bikes.
Anyhow, you want me to walk you around? I know this place like the back of my knees.
Don't look at those either.
No, we're with Nance Trace now, Larry.
You are? - You are? - [AIRHORN.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, twist! You didn't you say so? We usually let Nance take care of details like that.
We'll have her reach out.
How are we gonna get to Nance? All her security have cauliflower ear, - including the girls.
- We'll figure it out.
When did she get Nance to sign us? Could you sneak away for sush tomorrow? Aw, I wish I could.
Of course, TIT turned up my whole schedule full tilt the one weekend you're here.
I was like, come on, Tom Brady.
Now's the time you pick to start eating bread again? I'm going to go sonic my veneers.
Well, maybe I could come to your work? Oh, I don't know, babe.
I think I'd be too in my head if you were there.
It's like how 95% of plane crashes happen because the pilot's spouse was watching.
[CHUCKLES.]
[LINE TRILLING.]
WTIT Tampa.
Think our name is wild, ask about our advertising rates.
If I wanted to have sushi delivered to my husband, Kev Hamlin, tomorrow, where would I have it sent to? Oh, Kev hasn't worked here in several months.
You said you're his wife? Uh, no.
This is a prank call.
[RASPBERRIES.]
J.
K.
You should call 911 because you're burned.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Uh-huh.
Hope you weren't planning on getting any sleep tonight.
Ooh! Oopsie.
Well, that's your fault for being so hot, babe.
Night, night.
[GENTLE MUSIC.]
♪ Bummer city, they want me to come in early AF.
That's "as Frank.
" That's our sound guy.
So I gotta go.
[KISS.]
Yeah.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[SCREAMS.]
No! Fricking air mattress! Where is his real life? He doesn't even work at WTI any more, Gloria.
It's all lies.
We're following his Mini Coop.
Faster, old man! I'm a retiree.
I-I just do this to give my wife some alone time.
If it's a woman, she better not be hotter than me.
And if it's a man, he'd better be hotter than me.
And if it's a sex cult, it'd better sweep the doc category at the Emmys.
It's just gonna be a guy, Sum.
It's just gonna be a nice, loving guy.
Worst case, they adopted a bull dog.
Oh, look, there, he pulled over up there.
- Okay.
- Do not punch him! ♪ You're a cheater! What? Who would've thought it would be impossible to get into a 7:20 a.
m.
keynote? That was like a Dr.
Shmigel demonstrates new bonding techniques crowded.
Couldn't you have lied and said that we were repped by a more approachable manager? A lie is just the truth on a deadline.
We just need another way to get to Nance.
What if we pretend someone hired us to sing for her? - Her cousin Lauren.
- Scooter Braun.
- Her mom's friend Angie.
- How about Lionel Richie? Her other cousin Kristin, who everybody hates.
- Danger Mouse! - I don't have it yet.
But we tell the front desk to send us to her room.
And then we're like.
Happy Birthday to you ♪ Okay, on the Wikipedia page it says that her favorite singer is Celine Dion.
Maybe we do it like, Happy Birthday ♪ BOTH: To you ♪ Happy birthday ♪ Ladies, it should not be this hard! Guys, not for nothing, but I didn't watch all this true crime TV and not learn how to kidnap somebody.
Step one, don't develop feelings for the mark.
- Jesus.
I can hear you.
- Nance! Obviously, we were kidding about abducting you.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- I respect the hustle.
You're part of Girls5eva, right? - Yeah.
- I remember you.
You had that song on the soundtrack of "Blue Crush.
" - Yeah, "T.
B.
F.
" - T.
B.
F.
♪ Tiny butts forever ♪ Two silver dollar pancakes in jeans ♪ This will be what people like forever ♪ T.
B.
F.
, tiny butts in jeans ♪ - Ha-hah! - That was us.
I had that CD in my car when I first moved to LA.
Well, you still sound great.
We're looking for new management? I-I gotta get in there and start that keynote before all those boy bands pop boners and age out.
But I-I do believe in women helping women.
So, uh, come to the presidential suite at 4:14.
Okay, here's our new music and some family pictures from a trip to Gettysburg.
Just ignore those.
Or don't.
Enjoy them.
[LAUGHTER.]
T.
B.
F.
tiny butts forever ♪ You followed me? What am I looking at here, Kev? It's a sanctuary for crabs.
Are you fucking little crabs? No! How? I There's a shortage of shells down here because tourists take them off the beach.
Okay.
I've just been helping these special guys and gals graduate to larger casings.
They can use almost anything as a home.
They really take to doll heads.
Why are you doing this? To protect them.
If it wasn't for me, they'd be homeless and sundried and dead.
I give them everything they need to thrive.
They even get a custom crab-itat.
Come, come.
The theme of this one is the Roaring 20s.
Is that one selling newspapers? I'm so happy you noticed that.
I know this is a lot to take in.
I didn't want to tell you because it doesn't go with the, you know, Kev brand of effortless breezy cool.
You could have told me you got fired.
I didn't.
I quit.
I'm making decent enough money on Cameo, and I am working on something big.
It's a miniature Paris so they can finally go! No.
No, no, this doesn't explain all the trips to the Keys.
Home to nine types of hermit crabs, including the elusive long-claw.
The two-seater Sea-Doo.
Running them back from Keys.
- Charges to the florist.
- Flowers mask the smell.
It really doesn't.
What about the bulk order of condoms? It's the perfect slow drip water source.
Okay.
I imagined a lot of things that I might find here.
No part of me was prepared for this.
Babe, my whole life, I've been in a box.
I was doing commercials before I could read.
Mm-mm.
Mommy, for dessert, can we have more soup? Then I played a string of troubled nephews on local soap operas.
You made one mistake, Uncle.
Having a sister who had me.
Then a talent scout heard me singing at my mall church, and I was in Boys Next Door.
Girl you can put me in the mood ♪ Let's do kissing but never nude ♪ Look who went through pubert, dude ♪ It's the Boys Next Door ♪ Deeper voice and shiny eyes ♪ Growth spurt hardly recognized ♪ Look who went through pubert, guys ♪ It's the Boys Next Door ♪ Then I went straight into the big old box of marriage.
Babe, I've never had anything that was just mine until I became a crab prince.
So you're not cheating on me? Never! I don't even look down at it.
Babe, I love you.
This has nothing to do with us.
It's just my thang.
You have your thangs, Girls5eva and Peloton and wondering what I'm up to.
I guess that's true.
Just give this to me, okay? [GENTLE MUSIC.]
I guess it's better than golf.
Oh, that is such a chiller point, babe.
- Where is she? - Oh.
Summer, come on.
We got a meeting with Nance.
- That's amazing! - Who's Kev skoinking? Oh, it's so funny.
- No one.
- I'm sorry? He's just secretly rehabilitating thousands of hermit crabs and he's building them a Paris.
Oh, boy, this is some AP level repression coming out sideways here.
Right before I came out, I was, even among steampunk circles, considered way too into steampunk.
[LIVELY MUSIC.]
No, I'm sorry.
You've gotten into my head too many times.
Kev is a really good guy.
Of course, he's a great guy! Everybody loves Kev! But this is about you, Summer.
How many days have you seen him this year? - 16 and a quarter.
- You deserve a real partner.
Birthdays, communication, fights, nachos.
Oh, my gosh, stop! I am going to punch you! Take your shot, you piece of gold.
And if I am not out cold, I will punch you back so hard that the police will wonder where the adolescent chimp is.
What are you doing? Do not bring this energy into Nance's suite.
You make up, right now.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry too.
- I really do love you.
- I love you too.
- Come on.
Come on.
- I love you more, come on.
I love you.
We can't go empty-handed.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Hi.
We brought you these.
Yeah, I realize, Nance, you and I met briefly years ago, at Ashlee Simpson's Walk of Fame removal ceremony.
I'm concerned about the time, so I'm gonna dive right in.
So I thought about you today, and you do have a little traction right now.
Performing with Little Stinker.
[LAUGHTER.]
Your rant going viral.
- My brief affair with Cray.
- My salad.
And I did listen to the new music.
Dawn is our writerer.
You sure do know how to write a hook, Dawn.
- Thank you, I do.
- I see potential here.
- Oh.
- I want to work with you.
ALL: Ah! Hot damn, Jingle Ball, here we come.
What? No, no.
Girls5eva needs to break up.
Break up? Navigating this industry as a group is a fool's errand.
It's only sustainable for a handful of people at the top.
The touring, the gigging, fronting your own money for music videos as a vanity project but I do see individual potential here.
Dawn, I have acts that need ear warms.
I could easily sell "Four Stars," and Bad Bunny could do amazing things with the splingy.
That song is very personal.
We want to tour.
I mean, we want to show our dogs the world.
But ten shows a week is grueling.
Gloria, I have artists that pay for a dentist to travel with them just to maintain their grillz.
You call them a grill.
I call them a storm drain for oral bacteria.
And Wickie, you are incredibly telegenic.
And you're full of your own catch phrases.
My mouth is a T-shirt gun of wisdom, and my ass is what babies are based on.
Like that, exactly.
I could get you a six-figure deal as a judge on "American Warrior Singer.
" [GASPS.]
Mmm.
It films 58 weeks a year in Atlanta.
- Atlanta? - Tax breaks.
- And Summer, so many options.
- Really? The Jesus-y arm of the Hallmark movie circuit.
Yeah.
Bladder leak underpants campaign.
- I love those.
- Woo.
So, if we sign with you, there'll be no more Girls5eva? What even is Girls5eva? You were thrown together by Larry Plumb when the state took away his animal acts.
Wait.
What if you rep us as a group for one year, and then we Look, I'm trying to help you here, but this meeting is already 14 seconds over time, which means my dog will only get head scritches tonight.
Let Ermes know no tum-tum rubs.
Now, I promise you this is the best anyone will offer you.
Think about it.
But not for too long.
I'm wheels up at 8:12 and anchors down at 9:00.
I am going to take the sea plane to my boat.
Oh.
Okay.
- Ah! - Good, we agree.
This was never about money for me.
It was about being part of something.
Because I love you guys.
- We love you.
- And you're all in my will.
ALL: Oh! I have a parrot I haven't talked about who won't die, and one of you is getting him.
Yeah, I couldn't leave you guys and go be on TV in Atlanta.
I don't want to dress up to go to the mall.
And I'm not selling "Four Stars.
" I mean, our talent got us on the radio before.
No, it didn't.
[SIGHS.]
It's not a sunburn.
I nodded off at Benihana.
You're not a part of this, Larry.
You think your talent got you on the radio back when my knees were gorgeous? You know how many people have talent? How come every crack head's first offer is I'll suck your dick? - Ugh! - Work up to that, people.
Maybe start with, I'll digitize your old photos.
[LAUGHS.]
See? Talent's a dime a dozen.
The only reason you got on the radio was because I paid.
- Paid who? - I made a sizeable donation to the promotional budget of Johnny and the Doink over at CrouchFM.
Oh.
The Doink did have suspiciously nice air horns.
Okay, but our talent kept us on the radio for 21 weeks.
Why you always got to fart in our tights, Larry? Maybe I'm mad because my B-pop group sold me a fake cell phone and stole my rental car but you're clinging to a fantasy.
This biz may seem all shiny and perfect on the outside, but inside it's full of crab.
- Crab, what? - Crap! Ow! My burnt face makes it hard to say Ps.
Ow.
That's enough, Larry.
Just get outta here! I can't.
This is where I'm supposed to meet the hotel nurse.
Oh, it's a guy.
Forget it.
I'll just stick my face in the pool.
Ow.
Larry's right.
I am clinging to a fantasy.
The Kev stuff sinks in because Larry accidentally said it? Well, I'm sorry, he's still an authority figure to me because he wears a very big watch.
Whatever, I'll take it.
Good for you, Summer! Sometimes you just need a little push ♪ To find a home ♪ Hack yeah, Rebecca.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Hey, babe.
[GENTLE MUSIC.]
Kev, I love you.
But this isn't a real relationship.
There are lies, and you're never home.
I deserve more.
And don't just say that you're gonna come home three weekends a month.
I couldn't do that.
That's too much.
This place would look like Jonestown.
I don't want to pretend that everything is fine just because I love being half of Summer and Kev.
I mean, the most intimate experience I had this year was riding a city bike over cobblestones.
- It's not normal.
- Hey, nothing's going on.
At least I'm not golfing! [LAUGHS.]
Okay, Kev.
If you have, like, unprocessed feelings, - let's talk about those.
- No, no, no, I am all good.
I am eatin' good in the neighborhood.
That's an Applebee's reference.
I just think it means something that you want to spend all your time saving creatures that hide.
I don't want to talk, Summer.
I just want to watch this crab graduate from one doll head to a slightly larger doll head.
And I don't know or care to explore why.
Well, then I can't keep doing this.
Maybe instead of being Summer and Kev we should just be Summer.
And Kev.
What are you talking about? Separate websites? I'll never give you that.
[SIGHS.]
I'm talking about divorce, babe.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
♪ Ugh! - You okay? - Why am I being an idiot? There's a real job on the other side of that door, a job on TV, where I get to go, [FAKE LAUGH.]
we'll be right back.
But I can't leave them again, they're my friends.
If I got offered, literally, any other job than this one, I would take it.
So many big pubes on tiny soaps.
Nance, thank you so much.
I'm really glad it worked out.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
That little stinker.
♪ I am starving.
Benihana? I want you to know I don't judge you because I did it too.
How are we gonna tell Summer and Gloria? - Tell them what? - I saw you upstairs, Dawn.
You took the deal, so then I took the deal.
What? Wickie, I didn't take the deal.
I went back to Nance and sold "Stronger than the Best" and "Monster Mash 2," our scraps.
What? My flight to Atlanta leaves in 40 minutes! Because reality TV judges work tugboat captain hours.
You're Wickie-ing? Because I thought you were Wickie-ing! I went to Nance for us, because I'm all in.
I got us money to put back into the group! [PHONE CHIMES.]
Ugh, my driver's here.
Shit! So undo it, Wickie! I don't know, Dawn.
Maybe Nance is right and this is the best it's gonna get.
I'm sorry.
Spend the money on your kid's college.
I already spent it.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
It's DJ Squeeeb here with a new track I'm only playing because it appeals to my taste.
"Four Stars" by Girls5eva.
[AIR HORN.]
Ooh, that sounds like a new air horn.
She got us on the radio.
So Atlanta, huh? What you got, like, best friends there? I'm here with you ♪ Then you whip your hair like ♪ Watch me now, snappy, snappy ♪ Figure eights with your waist ♪ Wink with two eyes then shrug it out ♪ Shrug it out, shrug it out ♪ Pop your hip, front dip, jacket zip ♪ Hat tip, chef's kiss, floppy wrist ♪ You can't handle this ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, you've got it now ♪ You're starting to splingy ♪ Take a breath and stretch it out ♪ 'Cause it's just beginning ♪ Next you get all shy ♪ Like you wanna cry but it's just an act ♪ You're not shy, so try ♪ Now feature your butt then spin around ♪ Spin about, spin it till you hear the sound ♪ [BELL DINGS.]
That wasn't the sound ♪ - Keep on spinning ♪ - [THUNDER RUMBLES.]
Yeah that was the sound ♪ You can safely stop ♪ So you can start to trucker horn ♪ Trapped then walk but sexual ♪ Waggy, waggy ♪ Quick belt change, but deranged ♪ Grind up on a gust ♪ Then shake it out, shake it out, shake it out ♪ Jog in place, frame your face ♪ Give chase, first base, show some lace ♪ Robot face, go ahead and flip your space ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, you've all got it now ♪ That's the thingy ♪ Only thing left to do is repeat it two more times ♪ To make one complete splingy ♪ - Good night, everybody! - Good night!