Girls5eva (2021) s01e08 Episode Script

Separ8 Ways

1 Obviously, Jingle Ball isn't happening this year, but I got us a major gig, the national anthem at the WNHL quarter finals.
- Yes.
- So, all we need is someone to round out our harmonies, bring power vocals and a transcendent star quality.
- And above all, loyal.
- Yes.
Pedophiles, pedophiles ♪ The cast of "Friends" is pedophiles ♪ - Checks in the ♪ - You know, I actually - heard that.
- Next! Uh, FYI, my voice drifts, so I can't solo, but I can end songs with sultry femininasty phrases.
Mm, I'ma drink you like medicine, boy.
- Ab absolutely not.
It's not that I'm threatened, it's that I just I hate you.
I just wanna see the palm trees ♪ I will try and shake away this disease ♪ I think this is Everclear.
Watch the world die ♪ - Next! - Ugh, you guys, maybe this is just too hard.
We could use a triple threat.
Voice, face - BOTH: Smells.
- No! Hey, none of that talk! We have to just trust [DEEP BREATH.]
That if we keep trying, something amazing will happen.
Hi, I'm Baby.
And just to give you all a taste of my vocals, this is one of your old ones, though, I do disagree with the content.
Dream ♪ [WHISPERS.]
Oh, my God, yes, yes.
Girlfriends ♪ 'Cause our dads are dead ♪ They gave us some advice ♪ But we forgot what they said ♪ - Whoa! - Oh, my gosh! Wow.
- Baby, how would you like to - [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
Oh, snap.
I just got into nursing school.
- Oh, wait.
- No, no.
- No bye.
- No, no, no, no.
- Baby! - No, no.
- Come back, Baby! - Baby, come back.
ALL SINGING: Gonna be famous 5eva ♪ 'Cause forever's too short ♪ It's too short ♪ Gonna be famous three ever ♪ 'Cause that's one more than together ♪ Gonna be famous 5eva ♪ 'Cause forever's too short ♪ So what are you waiting five? ♪ "Girls5eva" ♪ [DRAMATIC TONE.]
Oh, Danny Boy, the pipes ♪ The pipes are calling ♪ From glen to glen ♪ And down the mountainside ♪ [GRUNTS.]
Falling ♪ Ugh! I loved your vocals, and your backstory was moving.
But you left your neck unprotected, so it's a no for me.
It's an honor to be part of history.
AWS is the first show created entirely by a ratings algorithm.
And I love the other judges.
We go for it.
You were singing up here, but I need you to fight down here.
Totally, yeah, girl.
That was vibes.
Finding the American Warrior Singer is not gonna be easy because those skillsets rarely overlap.
But that's the journey.
♪ Hey.
So, um, do you know how much we're getting paid for this hockey show if we end up doing it? Well, the first offer was cab fare.
But I really think that if we agree and back each other up, we can convince them - that we live in Tarrytown.
- Oh, that's smart.
It's just, you know, Kev isn't taking things great.
You know, he doesn't believe in divorce, same as dinosaur bones.
And he's frozen all of our credit cards.
I want you to breathe.
It's gonna be okay.
No, it's not! My ring finger acrylic snapped off.
And I can't afford to get it fixed because the salon won't accept sconces! Honey.
Okay, look.
Divorce is expensive as hell.
And you need some money coming in that's just yours.
And until we really take off, I think you need a job.
- But what? - Well, what jobs have you had? Daughter, pop star, stay-at-home pop star.
Well, you know what? You are a talented person.
- Thank you.
- And I think we should just focus on your strengths and your interests.
- Smiling, being in shape.
- Mm-hmm? - I'm good at makeup, mirrors.
- Right.
Uh, walking in heels? Kicking, twirling.
I'm very flexible.
Being announced.
- Huh.
- Hm.
Guys, guys.
I think I have something that can help us.
I thought you were gonna save that for Summer's 40th.
Oh, you know, I only celebrate half birthdays.
So, Gloria and I watched a ton of YouTube vids, and we made this.
Oh, my gosh! I know that ghost! Hey, y'all.
I'm Ashley from Girls5eva.
- Hi, Ash.
- And you're listening to - Oh, she's not talking to me.
- Zazz 104, the beat of Grand Rapids.
- It's cool, right? - Yes! I only loaded up a bunch of our old footage into this app.
If we can get a much bigger tablet, yeah, I think she can perform with us.
She-Visor, the only birth control that's also a hat.
Those do not work.
I know a ton of She-Visor babies.
The algorithm's almost done learning her voice, so she'll be able to say or sing anything! Aw, it's so good to see her again! And if you miss a day, no sweat.
Just wear two visors tomorrow.
She-Visor ♪ Aw! [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
The one second of singing before you got flattened was so smooth, I got butter in my ears.
You've advanced to round two.
Please go take your genitalia.
- Cut.
- Resetting.
Can you stop humming? We just need clean audio to hear the singers crying out on the medical table.
Of course.
- Hey, Stet.
- Yo, yo, girl.
Do the judges ever kick off the show with a killer performance? You and I could sing and and Flex could do push-ups or something? Not today, Wick.
It's leg day.
Hey, I get it.
Wickie, I've been there.
When I got my first gig judging "In The Shower Singer," I was all, "Put me in the shower.
I got pipes and a cool stomach.
" But don't fight the transition to judge.
This side of the table is where it's at.
You're still famous, but there's no gigging, no living on a tour bus, no harsh critiques of your very personal album "White Jazz.
" I liked that album.
- First music I'd ever heard.
- Word.
Now I got a pension, a bananas house, 20-year-old wife, 19-year-old surrogate.
I know.
It is cushy.
My water-bra's Pellegrino, but don't you ever miss that energy you get when you're performing? I get it other ways now.
"Fortnite" kills, certain bowel movements, impregnating my surrogate Shh, don't tell my wife we didn't use science and tubes, okay? There's my girl.
Ha, ha.
The studio likes what they've been seeing and they're offering you a thousand-year deal.
- A thousand years? - It's meant to wow.
And there's a small clause where your body could be used in a show called "Corpse Wars," but it's highly unlikely.
Congratulations, Wickie.
I can finally pay off all my debt.
Welcome to the family.
At me.
Hand it back.
We do this off camera too? Ladies and one gentleman, welcome to the Burt's Bees Equestrian Center.
Before we get to this morning's WNHL matchup, here to sing our national anthem, Girls5eva! [SCATTERED APPLAUSE.]
ALL: Oh, say can you see ♪ By the dawn's early light ♪ What so proudly we hailed ♪ At the twilight's last gleaming ♪ - [BEEPING.]
- Sequence quit unexpectedly.
Scanning data.
ALL: And the rocket's red glare ♪ Free shipping on all Crocs purses.
Mitch McConnell blindsided! - Wow, Gloria.
- I think she's reading my emails.
McConnell and all his dark money buddies are crying real tears.
- Unsubscribe! - Attention valued customer, your Megan Rapinoe silicone face and torso has shipped.
Tracking number 428.
Accessing camera role.
- Oh, no, you're not.
- You suck! - We're Girls5eva! Check us out on Spotify! Thank you.
Please leave the ice.
Congratulations, Dr.
Gloria McManus.
You've made New York Magazine's annual list of top doctors.
- I made top docs? - Our annual list I've been gunning for top docs for, like, ten years.
I don't know how to process the failure and success at the same time.
We're still gonna get our cab fare, right? We're going to Tarrytown! And now, here by choice, feeling empowered, please welcome Summer, her actual name! [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
♪ Take my money, pole queen! - Yeah! - Yeah! Whoo! Oh, my God, this is easy for me! - Whoo! - Hell, yeah.
♪ Yeah! ♪ [LAUGHS.]
Okay, guys.
I know I'm amazing at this, and I could definitely make a million dollars here - Yeah, you could.
- Whoo! But I don't know.
I don't want to drive to Midtown every day.
Aiding Midtown? Yeah, that's my deal! ♪ Hi.
This is Summer, for Nance Trace.
Did you brush before seeing me? Get used to it.
That's the smell of respect, you top doc, you.
- Cut.
Let's reset.
This is as thick as the one I signed with Larry way back.
Well, the difference between that and this is you will make money.
Constant Productions is offering you stability in an unstable business.
Of course, they're buying your exclusivity, so no outside projects.
You can't be on "Masked Singer," no "Silent Night" at the tree lighting ceremony.
You can't even fart twice in a row.
That would be considered a percussion performance, and they could terminate your contract immediately.
But, Wickie, for the rest of your life, when you go out to dinner, someone in a sweatshirt will bother you for a selfie.
- Promise? - Yes.
Well, that was the last willing participant in Atlanta.
So, tomorrow, it's Wilmington, Camden, Newark, Queens, then lunch.
Queens, New York? Said like someone with unfinished business.
What? I'm emotionally intelligent.
Sorry, can we reschej rehearsal? I'm starting a new side hustle.
And don't worry about what it is or who it's with.
Would you ask a man that question? - [PHONE CHIMES.]
- Dawn, sorry.
I am working on a lady with shark mouth, and I am gonna be here all night.
Guess it's just you and me, Ash.
Honestly, too many people left for this to be fun.
Now that it's just the two of us, it's feeling kind of weird.
Don't quote your sex tape at me.
Sorry, the guy from "Smallville.
I'm entering without knocking.
If you're having sex, please make it interesting.
The show's on tour, so I thought I'd come by and bring you a little rent.
Oh, God, please.
Don't give me guilt money.
You let Ghislaine and I stay here.
You treated us like family.
I threw out a valentine your son made you to make room for a "Vogue Italy" I wanted to see when I walked in the apartment.
Okay, I'll take it.
So, how's it all going? Busy.
We shot five seasons of "Warrior Singer" in two weeks.
They offered me a thousand-year deal, but I don't know that I want to tie up my corpse that long.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks.
I'm good, too.
Yeah, really good.
Everything is tight.
We played a show the other night that brought an entire hockey arena to tears, so Dawn, it's Larry.
Glad you called.
Good news.
What is that? Is that Ashley? There's been a small mutiny on a Carnival cruise and the original entertainers were, to put it politely, beheaded.
Dawn, are you okay? Fine! It's all a mess, Wickie.
"Four Stars" isn't catching on, 'cause apparently, I didn't bribe enough DJs.
It only has a 103 plays on Spotify, and that's all me.
And yet, I'm still not giving up.
Because for the first time in my life, I'm not taking no for an answer.
And you know what? Honestly, it feels kinda good.
It's pointless, but it's what I'm doing.
Larry again.
Flag on the play.
Carnival went with Ken Bone.
Sorry, but the man has Dory.
Yeah, so if you're back because you're not sure about signing your big girl contract, let me help clear that up for you.
This is what not compromising looks like.
This is living the dream, baby! [CHOKES.]
Oh, Max put a little Lego man in that one.
I just swallowed a little Lego man.
I could feel his hat going down.
Listen to me.
I have been where you are.
It is not going to be easy, so let me tell you this.
If you are making a music video, the Ferrari company cannot legally keep you from filming a test drive.
Most USO invites are fronts for human trafficking.
And you can throw your body in front of Clive Davis's golf cart, but you cannot make him stop.
Godspeed, girl.
Aw, thanks, Wickie.
I was gonna have a moving company come pick up Ghislaine, but I think you should keep her.
♪ [SIGHS.]
Volume up, ladies.
Because I'm seriously obsessed with these.
They're called S'LEAKS, and they're the hottest shapewear that you could do anything in.
Periods, urine, solids, shit sneezes, gigglesquirts, and random slimes.
You can have a baby in these and then wear them to the club that night.
That's freedom.
Perfect, Summer.
Now, if ya have a shit sneeze, - let's go for one.
- Okay.
Okay, DJ Face World.
We're gonna do a little water flossing, you ready? Why did Matt send you? I won't take off my helmet.
No, no.
Just, come here.
- No.
- Where you goin'? No, no one's seen my real face.
Nobody knows me like you ♪ Nobody's touched me like you ♪ Every day, I hope and pray ♪ To see you again ♪ You're Le-Le-Le-Le-Lego man ♪ And I worry you might have a la-la-la-la-la-little sword ♪ Lego man ♪ Le-Le-Le-Lego, Lego ♪ Don't le-le-let go, let go ♪ I work with rescue dogs.
- Come on.
- No! Don't le-le-let go, let go ♪ Okay.
I'll wait it out.
Le-Le-Le-Le-Le-Lego ♪ Don't let go, let go ♪ - [MUTTERING.]
I just pray Gal Gadot never sees what you did to her song "Imagine.
" But the way you worked together to defeat the warrior, you each brought something different to the table.
You threw punches.
You swept his leg.
You did biting and popped his testicles like a bag of Fritos.
It was magic.
Listen to me carefully.
Cherish this time when you feel invincible together, because one day, it will be gone.
- Owwie, ow, ow.
I was, uh, planning on hitting on all four of you, but, uh, check please.
Cut! That's dinner, everybody.
Eight minutes.
All right, we're back in eight, everyone.
Very happy to find your signed contract on my desk this morning.
What's that sound? Choo, choo.
It is the opportunity train, Wickie! Starting with, instead of iced tea, from now on, you will be holding L'Oréal Paris hyaluronic acid serum.
- And do what with it? - Don't over-think it.
It's America's number one serum.
Opportunity two, they want you to do Jingle Ball.
Jingle Ball? I'll do it! But only if the other three women sing with me.
Ah, my God, are you still talking about Girls5eva? No! They want you, Flex and Stet to introduce one of the Jingle Ball acts.
Nobody wants you to sing.
Yes, I know.
I was just kidding! [LAUGHS.]
Humor is so fun! In the future, let me know in advance when you're gonna do kidding.
I need to factor that in.
Gotta run.
- And we are back in.
Come down from a laugh, judges.
Booty pop, flip, wow ♪ Swing me to the right ♪ Booty pop, flip ♪ Now, swing me to the side ♪ Booty pop, flip ♪ Pow, sidepieces for life ♪ Don't tell your wife ♪ Flip now, flip, wow ♪ Hmm, they're really making that work.
- Glad you said yes.
- [SIGHS.]
Well, I saw my future if I clung to this dumb dream.
Clive Davis won't stop his golf cart.
I thought I should be an adult here.
I mean, this is still making music.
And off that, Pippa loves the song about Olivia Coleman and wants to know if you could tweak it to be about pussy in yoga pants.
Oh, fancy Nancy.
You remember Dawn Solano? - From Girls5eva? - Yeah.
- You were behind me at Fallon.
- Yeah.
I always know what's behind me.
TV, sushi, photo of Walt Frazier.
Wow, you are Observant, Little Stinker.
It's just Stinker now.
I'm a big boy.
Dawn's got some great ideas for your new album.
Ears open, heart's wide.
- Cool.
- I gotta go.
Um, okay, I was thinking something about how you have to give up a huge part of yourself just to be in the orbit of the thing you love, but the compromise erases any satisfaction you'd get from "success.
" Yeah, those are some big boy problems right there, - straight up Stink.
- Okay.
Yeah, so I don't know if you wanted Hey, look.
There's two more ladies that were behind me.
- Summer? - [GASPS.]
Gloria? BOTH: Dawn? Have you guys read this script? There's so much wordplay.
Thank you.
It's pun, right? I said pun instead of fun, making a pun with the word "pun.
" It's for the back of the room.
"American Warrior Singer" judges.
You're up next.
Ready to rock? So, we all Wickied.
We're all one of Nance's pretty little ponies, huh? Okay, for the record, I didn't Wickie.
I was abandoned by all of you.
Don't shame me.
When I made top docs, it was a stunning reminder that I can't ignore my gifts.
And Nance is taking me to the next level.
I'm here to pitch a new line of diamond engagement grills to A$AP Rocky.
Oh, sorry, but I have the best excuse.
You know, I have to pay for a very expensive divorce because you forced me to examine my life, Gloria.
Sorry I helped you grow.
Well, Nance is helping me grow now.
You all are looking at the face, thighs, and crotch of S'LEAKS.
They put the "waste" in waist trainer.
Different spelling.
I'm here doing the dunk tank in the mom tent to demonstrate abortion ab-absorption.
Ugh, I gotta get it right on the day.
RAPPERS: From Tokyo to the Amazon ♪ Paris, France ♪ To your front lawn ♪ Everybody's doing ♪ Everybody's doing the splingy ♪ - Cray? - Woah-oooh ♪ - First you ♪ - "The splingy"? BOTH: What's that noise? Shimmy, shimmy ♪ Shake it down to ground, two-handed salute ♪ Then back it up, back it up, back it up ♪ Oh, come on! [SCOFFS.]
Ladies? Maybe Girls5eva doesn't have to be over, over.
- [SIGHS.]
- Maybe we just, um We should just call it a hianus.
- You mean a "hiatus.
" - No, the word's "hianus," just cause you, like, lift your butt up as you walk away from something.
Don't gaslight me.
I'm 100% on this.
Okay, fine.
We're officially on an indefinite hianus.
- Hi.
- What? [GASPS.]
Wickie! - I wanna do Jingle Ball.
- What? Yeah, and I wanna be hand-fed by Gillian Anderson like a complicated rescue horse, but we don't all get our ultimate dream.
So what? Let's just do it! - Are you crazy? - How? - Uh, we just went on hianus.
- I don't know.
But we are 30 feet from doing what we set out to do, and to hell with anyone who says we're not worthy.
We came here in 2001 and got bumped for Enrique Iglesias.
- Daddy's boy.
- Fake mole.
He could still get it.
I don't wanna leave again without singing.
I thought I could take the cushy road, but this is killing me! We are talent, damn it! Don't you think it's a sign that we're all here? No, stop.
Wickie, I I finally wised up.
I'm starting something new, and it's kind of working.
I can't throw it all away just for a moment of fun.
I learned that in seventh grade health class.
Yeah? And I signed a thousand-year contract that if I violate, I lose everything.
My job, my glam army.
- No! - My six-figure bonus to move into the Judge Dread house, a mansion where reality judges live among horror pranks.
You can't throw all that away! You know that road, Wickie.
It's hard.
Well, then enjoy watching the life drain from my eyes as I walk onto the greatest stage in the world and read this! We really have to go.
Oh, gosh.
What the hell was that? [APPLAUSE.]
Happy Thanksgiving, you guys.
What are you talking about, Wickie? It's Christmas time.
You could have fooled me, because tonight has been a veritable buffet of today's musical hits.
But yes, it is Christmas time, Stet.
So deck the Halsey - No.
- And for some of you, - Happy Rihannica.
- Oh.
Why don't we just say Happy Holiday? Or Dabby Holla Night.
- I can't watch this.
- Oh, God.
Just to, like, lay out how dumb it would be if we went out there - As a thought experiment.
- Right.
Okay, we piss off iHeart Radio, and Nance, and we'd lose our gravy trains.
And sing a song that I think I sold to Charli D'Amelio's sister.
Now, I did just eat an irresponsible amount of shawarma.
And we'd probably get arrested in front of, like, 18,000 teenagers, who all have camera phones.
And if we didn't do it? We would just be four financially stable women who would lie awake at night wondering what it would have felt like.
No segue needed.
But seriously, seriously.
I want to do it! [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Oh, fuck, I have to go to the bathroom.
I'm wearing S'LEAKS.
It's happening! It's a great product! [LAUGHTER.]
- But seriously, seriously.
Happy Holidays.
Jingle Bells.
Wait, don't you mean Jingle Smells? Because our next performer's name reminds us that he's "a hit olfactory.
" Give it up for It's G like G, I as in I, R like R, I as in I.
- Anything for you, pole queen.
- Okay, S.
Give it up for Girls5eva! Ah! Ah! - Got it.
- Oh, thank you so much.
- Oh, God! - Thank you.
One, two, three, four.
ALL: We're gonna start fresh ♪ Take a couple new steps ♪ And wear our comfortable shoes ♪ Look at our history ♪ There is no mystery ♪ The problem here was you ♪ Take off the filter from the photograph ♪ And look who it is you see ♪ It isn't perfect, so what's wrong with that? ♪ The best things in life are free ♪ [MUSICAL BEAT STARTS.]
So what if we risk it all and try ♪ Knowing we might fall, but we might fly? ♪ Who cares what they say? ♪ We're gonna do it our way ♪ Like Sinatra or Burger King ♪ Five Star ♪ - Stinker, sip, Stinky.
- Stinker, you'll be on in just a few after we get these ladies cleared off.
W-w-w-wait, na-na-na-nah.
Let them sing.
Stinky knows what stays.
That's a little Stinker move, right there.
Let 'em rock.
ALL: Our imperfection ♪ We're coming up, coming up ♪ Coming up, coming up Four Stars ♪ We're coming up, coming up ♪ Coming up, coming up ♪ That's the lady from my phone! ALL: Four Stars ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I may not be stronger than the best ♪ But I've got a diamond heart inside my chest ♪ I've got a lot to learn, but that's pretty cool ♪ Already graduated salad school ♪ I'm done with playin' it cool ♪ Don't always agree, and I kinda liked high school ♪ There, I said it, I don't regret it ♪ ALL: Women are an ocean of secrets ♪ We're coming up, coming up ♪ Coming up, coming up ♪ Oh, teens are so much more controllable.
ALL: We're coming up, coming up ♪ Coming up, coming up Four Stars ♪ I've held my tongue too many times ♪ And that's a different kind of gum disease ♪ Like delicious bread, I'm ready to rise ♪ I'm even better as the real me ♪ Okay, I'll finally let you see ♪ That I'm perfectly imperfectly me ♪ I am a work in progress, I'm not finished yet ♪ I'll put my renaissance on the Internet ♪ I wanna get back in the ring, too.
SONG IDEA: Jeans in the ocean.
Whoa, whoa! ALL: Knowing we might fall, but we might ♪ Fly ♪ Coming up, coming up, coming up, coming up ♪ - The escalation's working! ALL: Four Stars ♪ We're coming up, coming up ♪ Coming up, coming up ♪ Four Stars ♪ [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Whoo-hoo! Jingle Ball! We love you! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Get them off the stage, now! Get those girls out of here, now! - Gloria, I got you.
- Get them now! - Hey! Hey! - Get out of here! I've got my backpack in there, and it's got six laptops.
That was ALL: Worth it! - Whoo! - Whoo! - Oh, my God! - My backpack! - Oh! - Oh, my God! - I'm so proud of you.
- Oh.
- I love you.
- Oh, Ashley.
We love you, too.
Holy shit.
Oh, my God.
You know, that was her line when she guested on "Charmed" as a benevolent hot witch.
- I know.
- Oh, my gosh! - Oh.
- Okay.
- [SIGHS.]
- [SIGHS.]
Guess I'm gonna have to write us new songs.
Dawn, I'd like to apply for a management position at the restaurant.
- Oh, gosh! - I'm cold.
I'm gonna pee again.
Hey, guys.
Hot take? I'm starting to think that Ashley faked her own death.
- Wait, what? - What? [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
ALL: Gonna be famous 5eva ♪ 'Cause forever's too short ♪ Gonna be famous three-gether ♪ 'Cause that's one more than together ♪ People staring at us, thinking we are badass ♪ Watching as we wave goodbye ♪ Our stomachs are the flattest ♪ Riding in our Lexus, life really affects us ♪ Drinking Veuve Clicquot champagne ♪ And texting all our exes ♪ ALL: Playing with our brand-new flip phones ♪ Talking with our friends, talking with our friends ♪ See the new leaf on our headphones? ♪ That's how our story begins ♪ Gonna be famous 5eva ♪ 'Cause forever's too short ♪ It's too short ♪ Gonna be famous three-gether ♪ 'Cause that's one more than together ♪ Gonna be famous 5eva ♪ 'Cause forever's too short ♪ So what are you waiting five? ♪ "Girls5eva" ♪ ♪ - Good night, everybody.
- Good night.

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