Girls5eva (2021) s02e07 Episode Script


1 Strong ladies with boundaries ♪ Better treat us well ♪ Are we bitches or do we just respect ourselves? ♪ We sound amazing.
Hard to tell ♪ Are we really done? - Oh, my God.
- Oh! This is the first thing I've ever finished in my life.
This album covers everything.
Love, betrayal, that one we threw in at the 1-yard line about your knee 'sploding.
- Yeah.
- "Bend Not Break" is probably the only song about arthroplasty you can slam ham to.
16 songs! We did it all on our own terms.
No skips.
There's not one filler track this time.
- Whoo! - Girls5eva! - You ready, girls? - Heck yeah, I'm ready.
- You know I'm ready.
- Me too.
- I was born ready.
- Then let's do this.
And sound off if you're ready.
- Wickie? - Ready! - Summer? - Also ready.
- Glo? - Still ready.
- Dawn? - In the house.
Actually, if you're ready, can you say ready? Because you could be in the house and not ready.
Whoo-hoo! Come and get it.
Oh, my gosh.
To Dawn, for being our intrepid songwriter and sometimes soloist.
To Gloria, for overcoming and inspiring.
To Summer I haven't really been keeping up with you.
For not marrying your parents? That's not really a bad summary.
And to me, for being a team player, perhaps the best team player.
Don't forget Ray.
- Ray.
- Aww.
Aww, it's been an honor.
We will forever see you as the incomparable producer we worked with before Jack Antonoff.
That means a lot.
To Girls5eva! What is that? It's Brown Mountain K-Cup Sparkling Champ-Brown.
Don't drink it! It's just for holding up.
Just hold it up.
Gonna be famous 5eva ♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪ It's too short ♪ Gonna be famous 3gether ♪ 'Cause that's 1 more than 2gether ♪ Gonna be famous 5eva ♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪ So what are you waiting 5? ♪ Girls5eva ♪ BPE - Oh! Got that Big Pussy Energy ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ "Yeah, yeah.
" That's what I added.
I really feel like "BPE" puts our best P forward.
- It's bold.
- Yeah.
It's fresh.
It's Fake! It is not fake.
These are athletes.
Ugh! Couldn't you and da fellas take it to a Pep Boys? We're selecting our single.
Jake Paul is taking on a newly buff Kumail Nanjiani.
This is my Super Bowl.
Kumail has been jacked for years.
It's not news anymore.
God, how could I possibly have a hangover from barely sipping one Champ-Brown? Are you pregnant? It was Scott's birthday last month.
I know you didn't have time to shop.
No, and I took three tests just in case.
No, I don't I don't know what's going on with me.
Yesterday, I passed out for three hours and and I sweat through a book.
It's post-album mode adrenaline leaving your body.
Don't Sicilian spiral.
Yeah, probably.
Why don't we bend ♪ So we don't break? ♪ Why don't we lean on each other ♪ To carry the weight ♪ This.
This is your single.
Excuse me? Yeah, I could work out to this.
Makes me want to do squats 'cause it's got the word "bend" in it.
I could feel the pressure on me ♪ Sheawn.
- Hi, Sheawn.
- Sheawn and I work together at P.
I Love You Middle School.
- I'm a lunch lord.
- A what? A lunch lord.
It's the masculine of lunch lady.
I assure you, it is not.
We're going with "B.
" Thanks for the offput.
You're funny.
I like you.
- Everyone likes me.
- Don't make a meal of it.
Well, that's just what I do.
Get it? Lunch lord humor? How 'bout I make you dinner? Dawn, please spit take on my behalf.
How did I do that? I'm not drinking anything.
You didn't answer my question.
Can I make you dinner? What? Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm getting a call in the other room.
Coming! Oh, my God.
Ohh, album is done.
- How do you wanna celebrate? - I have some ideas.
Scully, hush! Shh! Scully! Scully! Where's the $3 that was in my robe pocket? I didn't touch your robe, Mr.
Oh, it was in there yesterday.
And today, you're strutting around with a new soda.
Dad, Rita didn't take your money! Rita, put on an "Airwolf"! Is that night construction? No, my damn parrot can mimic roadwork.
That's lunch, boys.
You coming to Sbarro, Tom? Nah, Nancy packed me tuna.
This isn't hot.
- Just tune it out.
- I should just go.
Hey, hey, wait! What if The bitch is in the bank.
We're getting a place together.
Over my dead body.
Sorry, I just love a hot take.
Supporting you.
Oh, you have to use Kev.
As what? Realty is his new side hustle.
It's the perfect job for former boy band members because they're hot and they already know how to point at things.
If you don't want to live where you live no more ♪ Just DM Kev from the Boys Next Door ♪ You don't need a bank or a credit score ♪ Just good vibes or a guarantor ♪ ♪ Shweet pads with l-l-l-l-lobby carts ♪ P-p-p-p-plugs ♪ D-d-d-d-doormen ♪ That stink-talk everyone but you ♪ And ala-ka-poof, living large ♪ On a r-r-r-roof deck ♪ Kev Hamlin, Brown-Haired-Stevens Realty ♪ License pending.
- Right.
- Please.
He's living in my basement.
I need him to do something.
Eh, I do like a stink-talking doorman.
Set it up.
- Yes! - Knock, knock! Hi.
Knocking verbally.
I can't make a fist due to a knuckle skin tuck.
- Who'd you go to? - Honestly, I don't know.
I just popped in to say, your album is a-mah-zing.
And I'm almost done with a killer marketing deck that I can't wait to show you.
Oh, my God, is it PowerPoint or Keynote? - No, surprise us.
- Will do.
Also, a reminder to amp up socials as we approach drop day.
Look, I lost followers due to a volcano explosion in Saint-Tropez, not from a bot purge.
So Tate, we were talking about our single.
It's "B.
" Obviously, I heart that track.
You can't tell, but I'm trying to make a hand heart.
But actually, our algos, data, and 'puters came back with "Bend Not Break" as your single.
- The one about my knee? - Yeah.
Focus groups of normals said it made them wanna squat.
See ya, wouldwanna be ya.
Peace out.
One second.
That kitchen basic was right.
Maybe he could be useful.
- Oh, wait - um, I was looking something up.
"White diarrhea"? Jesus, Dawn.
I told you.
Something's up with me.
Scott, put me through to the lunch lord.
Glad you changed your mind.
Hope you like sloppy joes.
I don't.
And why so many? I'm a lunch lord, Wickie.
That's the only way I know how to cook.
I also made 40 pounds of wet corn.
But can't you just divide the recipe? Huh? So where you from? The white part of Maryland.
You know, that song you liked was validated by focus groups and computers.
Yeah, I'm smart.
Right, right.
I'm debating how to caption this photo.
What do you think of, "So full from eating," #food? Or, "Still pondering the loss of the Lion of the Senate, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, SupportTheTroops, ♪BodyGoPow.
" Mm-mm.
Hate 'em both.
Why don't you just be honest? Say, "Tell me how cute I am, and it will temporarily make me feel good.
" So simple.
As always, I'm doing too much.
Or just say, "Is a hot dog a sandwich?" And people go nuts debating about it.
Well, I mean, in my school, it's a vegetable, but Wow, you're like if Anaheim was a person.
Well, you ain't gotta sweet talk me, I'm right here.
Oh, I'm stuffed.
This was fun.
Neither is true.
- You know, you lie a lot.
- What? You lie a lot.
No, I just I'm still out of sorts about Ruth Bader Ginsburg's assassination.
Will they ever catch him? ♪ For your budge, this apart is a barg.
It's so quiet.
- They're on the hook.
- Do your Kev-surements.
Uh, the living room is five shimmy shimmy pops by seven body rolls.
Ah, as a celebrity realtor, people really expect All that jazz ♪ It's not the original tune, so I don't have to pay anyone.
Hey, does this place have a bathtub? That is a great question.
I love that question.
Um, the answer is I don't know.
I saw a picture, and I brought you here, and and all I know is what you know.
I don't I-I'm not even sure where we are right now.
Hey, why don't you and I go find the bathroom? Good call, babe.
- Ex-babe.
- Ex-babe.
So do we have a deal? Oh, well, we'll see.
I'm curious what your Kev-surements are in feet.
So I'll check that out.
Oh, whoopsie.
Who's June? Gloria, I took the liberty of putting my number in your phone.
Wanting, yearning ♪ Remembering sexual ♪ June is Gay Pride Month.
- What's that phone number? - Ah, nah, kid.
These are my go-to Powerball numbers.
Mm, no, the Powerball is five numbers plus one for the Powerball.
I know because all my life plans hinged on winning the lottery.
I saw your face, Gloria.
I've seen that face on my face.
You're having sneaky thoughts.
You don't know what you're talking about.
As your realtor, it's my job to get real.
You're having doubts about your relationship.
- Buyer's remorse? - What? No! I've been working so hard to get my ex-wife back.
I love her, and I am not pretending to be happy.
That's a direct quote from my wedding vows.
All right, if you're sticking with the story, a little advice: throw yourself into an impenetrable hobby, something so all-encompassing that no unwanted thought could sneak in through your brain door.
What about posing taxidermy in historical iconic moments the Moon landing, Lewis and Clark with little raccoons? Thanks, Kev.
Doesn't apply to me.
It's got a working bathtub! Cool, babe.
Let's think about it.
Or if you don't wanna think about it, you could always do the thing that I just said.
Thanks, Kev.
Bye, Kev.
What did you do? My tongue is weirdly hot, and I have too much saliva and brain fog.
And I have brain fog.
I'm not a doctor, but I am 99% sure I have Flynn Stranbygaard Syndrome.
Well, the only way to test for that is to sample the brain after death.
And have you been near a Chilean spider? No, but I live by a place that makes very authentic empanadas.
Are you drinking enough water? Are you stressed about something? This is so typical! The medical community just ignoring a woman's symptoms when diagnostic tests - would obviously prove - Dawn, this is your file.
I mean, you've had a dozen MRIs.
Last year, you thought you had one of those black licorice heart attacks.
Because I ate so much licorice.
You thought you were dying because a stray cat kept following you.
Because at a nursing home, there's always a cat who knows who's next.
Look, I was wrong about those.
If I'm the boy who cried wolf, this is probably the end.
And the wolf is here.
All right, if I draw some blood, will you and I'm asking as your doctor get the fuck out of here? I will.
Hi, Tate.
Oh, gah! Sorry, I ran late talking to Co-Z Boi.
My fault, ladies.
I'm so chill, people don't notice the passage of time around me.
It's bad 'cause my dad's diabetic.
Well, was.
It must have been his time.
Okay, come on, come on, come on.
Everybody sit or stand, whatever you wanna do.
- Okay.
- Drum roll.
- Oh, my gosh! - Our album! - We are so hot! - Oh, it's so cute! Girls5eva.
"Returnity" It's just for show.
Everything's digital now, but I wanted you to have something to hold.
With a screener for "Being the Ricardos"? It's just in there for weight.
- Oh.
- Oh, okay, okay.
All right.
You put in the hard work, now it's our turn.
- Okay.
- You're familiar with "The Late Late Show with James Corden"? - Of course! - Obviously.
Well, if during a commercial you wanted to check the news, you might find yourself at a site called wuzappening.
- Yes.
- And if you checked out the Lifestyle section, and scrolled lled to the bottom of the page, you would see what looks like a legitimate news story called "You Won't Believe What Joe Biden's First Crush Looks Like Now" with a picture of an absolute raisin on it.
What does that have to do with Corden? Once you open the link I can't legally say it isn't malware, but you'd have to click through 147 small print Biden factoids with an evasive close button before the program releases you, all while hearing Girls5eva's new single looped at your computer's max volume.
- Won't that make people mad? - That's the point.
Our brains are wired to store memories made during moments of extreme emotion, like anger or panic.
And that's how you create an earworm.
Right? Oh.
No music video, no promoted tweets, no Carpool Karaoke.
No radio drop where I get to go, "This is Gloria from Girls5eva.
You're listening to Dr.
Chunk and the Bitch.
" And why can't I swallow? It's probably because the album's dropping.
And you wrote all of the songs on it, so if everybody hates it, it means that they hate you as a person on every level.
- Jesus, Summer! - What? Oh, no, honey, I'm so on your side.
So what if it turns out that you let us all down and then nobody gives us a third chance because of what you made us do? Dawn, don't worry.
Yeah, I blame my damn knee.
That should be us up there.
Collab got a shoe collab? Eff it, I'm doing a graffito.
Don't waste your lipstick.
Summer, no, posters move now.
Oh, boy.
Oh, no.
Ma'am, I'm so sorry.
Listen, we gotta do something really big if we want anyone to know that we exist.
Oh, something that reaches people.
OnlyFans, sell my farts.
Oh, my God.
My Instagram posts are blowing up.
- Feel my phone.
- Ow.
It's warm.
I'm getting comments from actual humans.
- Oh.
- You do look cute.
"Meat between bread is a sandwich" from @WineOClock.
The lunch lord is a basic whisperer.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Don't use him, Wickie.
He's a good guy.
He has individual handshakes for every one of Scott's students, and he never once tried to get on "Ellen.
" Alexa, volume none.
I'm doing this.
For us! - I'm not really a chef.
- No.
Here, here.
Let me show you.
Like this.
Just hey, don't rush.
Don't we need to remove the bones? ♪ Nope.
You should wash your nose.
Oh, God.
Are you okay? It's just work.
I don't wanna bore you.
So you wanna talk about whether Jake Paul is a real fighter or not? It's just the label's not pushing our album, and we need to do something big to get noticed.
And I keep asking myself, what would a regular brained normal like? You know, what would get on their radar? The Nuggetter's working through a beak.
I'm actually kind of surprised that you wanted to hang out with me again.
Why? I love it here! Allow me.
- That's that's - that's good, that's good.
You know, it's just that every question that you asked me was about you.
Are you suggesting that I'm self-centered? I'm not.
I'm very giving.
I go to multiple charity cocktail hours to raise awareness for the uglies and the sads and the misshapen and the ruined.
And do you also raise money? Fine.
I just like going to really cool parties.
Half the time, I don't even know what they're for.
Like, I was at this one for renal failure, and I was like, why am I even here? I don't even have a renus.
Okay, glad we're being honest.
So can I be honest? You got a little bit of beak on your cheek.
This feels good.
Hey, guys.
Hey, I'm-I'm trying to lower my anxiety by listening to a white lady who went to India once.
We were just trying to see what kind of couch we want.
- This one's nice.
- Yeah.
- Some good bounce.
- Yeah.
Can you believe this bitch is back in the bank? Go ahead, tell me who you've been with.
I can handle it.
Well, you'll be happy to know, no one.
Really, no one? I had a low point where I purchased a Megan Rapinoe torso.
But due to, you know, supply chain issues, that one didn't show up.
Well, I've dated around.
Don't worry, you're not missing anything.
I mean, yeah, it's fun at first, but I'm so sick of three-month stands.
Now I just kind of wanna watch Criterion Collection until I die, you know? Yeah, same, girl.
Same! Not missing anything.
Let's see how this couch handles a little All that jazz ♪ Gloria, feed me like a horse.
More thoughts, uh-oh ♪ Should I have dated more ladies? ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ The basic gave it up.
All I had to do was nugget a chicken.
Stop juicing the lunch lord.
What did he say? He just started watching the Beatles documentary and thinks we should do the roof thing from the Beatles documentary.
I said it's been done a million times.
He said, "So? And can we please stop talking about work?" I said, "Yes," and left.
We need a roof! I know where we can get a roof.
- Okay, we live, y'all! - Whoo! You've been waiting an eternity for us to make "Returnity.
" This is "Bend Not Break.
" I could feel the pressure on me ♪ From every direction on me ♪ Every time we learn the rules, you change the game ♪ But we learned our lesson already ♪ Got our secret weapon all ready ♪ And it's got eight legs, four smiles, and a cane ♪ Why don't we bend so we don't break? ♪ Why don't we lean on each other ♪ Oh, I think it's wonderful what they're doing up there.
- What are they doing up there? - Clear the way! Clear the way! I'm so late for this Halloween party! It's the spring! So we don't break ♪ Why don't we bend so we don't break? ♪ Why don't we lean on each other to carry the weight? ♪ - Oh! - That's a chopper, y'all! - What the fuck? Ahh! - Oh, my God! - Are they trying to come here? - That's a lot of wind, ex-babe! I knew the H didn't stand for hospitality deck! I make no secret! I'm license pending! It took my extensions! Whose idea was this? Ahh! Damn you, lunch lord! We can't land! Take that to the taint ward! What? Oh, my God! - You have nine minutes! - Okay! Go! Go! I can't believe I took career advice from a lunch lord.
You're not an oracle of basics.
You're just basic.
So why are you here? To yell at you and let you know your ideas are bad.
Well, if you're just telling me I suck, sounds like it could have been a email.
Typing? As mad as I am? I wouldn't waste this manicure on you.
Also, screen time interrupts sleep cycles.
♪ ♪ Mm! Why do I like you? And sign here, sign here, sign here, sign here, and sign there.
You have to point at different places.
It only requires one signature.
I'm doing emphasis.
This is really happening.
We're home, babe.
Well ♪ If you are about to sing "The Jeffersons" theme, don't.
I wasn't.
I'm gonna show you the bathtub.
- All right, let's - The bath! - Yes! Yes! - Uh! You closed your first deal, ex-babe.
Maybe you can use some of the money to, like, move out of the basement.
No, I'm putting it all back into the biz, ex-babe.
I already spent the whole thing on Gucci no-show socks.
What? Well, how will anyone even know? I know.
I know.
It gave me the confidence to come in here and kill it today and the swagger to walk this back to the office.
and see if any of it's right.
Oh, Gloria, thanks so much for being my first offish commish.
Oh, yeah, no problem.
Hey, come here.
I guess you were wrong when you thought that I was anything like you, huh? Because I got the apartment, I'm committing.
This is straight out of the Kev prey book.
What? Renting an apartment? I bought Summer a mother huggin' house.
Because how can you have any doubts about your relationship if you're so committed? Oh, I almost forgot.
I got you a housewarming gift.
It's a tiny Abraham Lincoln beard and some raccoon poison.
I think you're gonna have a lot of fun with it.
Just get the fuck In feel bad news, reunited girl group Girls5eva violated several FAA regulations attempting to be like the Beatles from the Beatles documentary.
Now, I don't like to editorialize, so I'll just reserve my opinions about just how basic that is.
New data shows that every Where have you been? Oh.
Just out all night alone.
But let's talk about you.
Diarrhea still white? I stopped checking because I'm trying to accept the things I cannot control.
Oh, God.
- Hey, Tate! - Hey, T-bone! Ladies, I caught the roof.
Oh, wait, I'm seeing my notes, don't mention the roof.
So I did not see the roof.
Anyway, we're routing a world tour for Collab and looking for an opener.
Wanted to temp check on G5E's interest before I threw your hats in the ring.
Uh, well, none of my hats are meant to be thrown, but Dawn has some caps that say Mets and so forth.
Oh, of course.
Okay, I'll throw her hat.
Okay, can't wait for this, girls, this is big for you, big for me, big for the Pro Bros.
Miss Solano? Dr.
- Is the wolf here? - Actually, something did come up on your blood work.
You're pregnant.
What? No.
No, no, no, no.
I took three pregnancy t Nope, they're thumb drives.
I peed on thumb drives in the dark.
We're going on tour, baby! Oh, my Fuck.
Oh, I'm so ready to do my roll call.
- You ready, Summer? - Yeah, Dawn.
- Ashley? - Hella ready.
- Gloria? - Vroom, vroom, ready! Wickie? I'm not ready, guys! - You were just ready.
- Sorry! Start without me! What? We can't start this thing without you, Wick.
- No way, Wickie.
- Oh, it's not a party without Wickie, come on, Wickie! Okay, okay, I'm here.
I'm here and 150% ready to break it down.
In five, four, three, two, one, two, three, four, - four, five.
- Uh, you said four twice.
Did I? I'm just so pumped for this song! It's all good, girls.
Let's fire it up.
Yeah, Dawn's ready, Wickie's ready, Ashley's ready, Glo, ready.
I'm ready.
You ready, Kayleigh? We don't have a Kayleigh anymore.
Remember her mom wasn't up for all this? Right, right.
Girls, we have a quorum.
Should we do this thang? If you're questioning it, maybe you're not totally ready.
You know, I had the same thought.
Maybe we meet back the same time tomorrow when it's a certainty that we're all ready.
I can't, but I'm good the day after.
- Works for me.
- Same, dog.
- Then it's settled.
- The day after tomorrow, y'all! - Good night, everybody.
- Good night.

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