Girls5eva (2021) s02e08 Episode Script

Tour Mode

An accident at 40 is usually
mixing up your Chastains
and your Dallas Howards,
not a surprise baby.

I'll never get over the fact
that I can make life
with my penis.

It puts the other parts to shame.

Oh, eyes, oh, yeah, you can see a boat?
Great, come back to me
when you can make one.

They really age-shame you
with this take-home literature.

"The Over 35 Geriatric Pregnancy:
There Be Monsters.
"Like Dresden after the Allied firebombing,
your uterus is a shell of its former"
Ignore that.

We're getting you a better doctor.

This kid's graduation, are we gonna have
to be the parents who sit on the aisle?
Hey, hey, hey, look.

You know I want this, but are you good here?
Yeah, I am.

It's just, the timing is bananas.

We have this tour on the table.

And will America be as kind
to a female Ted Lasso
who leaves her family to go abroad?
I think not.

And Wickie, I know she's gonna see this
as me holding the group back.

Hey, take a breath.

Yeah, you're right.

I'm only six weeks in,
so maybe we hold a beat
before we tell anybody?

But can we just tell a stranger
just to get some of the telling energy out?
- Yes, ooh, they're coming.

- Oh, hey.

We're having a baby!
My penis can make arms and lungs!
Oh, okay.

- Let's find somebody else.

- Yes, okay, this way.

Gonna be famous 5eva ♪
'Cause 4eva's too short ♪
It's too short ♪
Gonna be famous 3gether ♪
'Cause that's 1 more than 2gether ♪
Gonna be famous 5eva ♪
'Cause 4eva's too short ♪
So what are you waiting 5? ♪
Girls5eva ♪

Normally, I'd be in an Uber
by now, yet I'm here,
in the light,
eating 200 eggs out of a catering tray.

Eggs are easy to portion
for two people, Sheawn.

You just stop cracking after four.

You sound insane.

Hey, I'm chaperoning a dance on Thursday.

You wanna be my date?
Oh, um, maybe.

I just need to see what's up
with all this tour stuff.

So you don't want to be seen
in public with me?
I just like it here.

It's all cozy here, um
This is cool.


- This is fun.

- Yeah, it's fine.

I get it.
I'm just a lunch lord.

I'm not the guy that comes
to school once a year
to rap about changing bodies,
or a guidance counselor
- You're sub-Scott?
- Scott's the man.

He can get mail at work.

It's okay to get wrapped up in status.

I'm not!
I buy my sunglasses at a hut
like everybody else.

Come on, it's gotta annoy you
that you're the total package,
but you're not Beyoncé,
and you should be "yoncé.
I mean, what does she have that you don't?
A mother who made her costumes
so she didn't have
to stay up making costumes.


I want to show you something.


Oh, nice Timb.

Come on.


So you got weird toes.
So what?
Toes are like a basketball team.

It's five of 'em,
and everybody's doing their own thing.

See the little white one? That's Steve Nash.

Come on tour with me.

I'd love to.

But switching lunch lords mid-year
is not good for the kids.

Totally get it, don't care, casual.

Shut up.


Collab's tour is boy-nanas.

Four months, 20 cities,
sponsored by State Farm.

State Farm? That's a real company!
- Tokyo, Paris
- Oh, my God, Orlando?
- Rome.

- Las Vegas Orlando?
Bonnaroo, Coachella,
Tallahassee Fest with Lady A
and who's Bootsy Tings?
Oh, after Stinker got canceled,
he pulled a Nelly and reinvented himself
as a country act.

He's just a boy with Daddy's spoon ♪
Sure it seems a little soon ♪
To be steppin', steppin', steppin' ♪
- Bootsy Tings ♪
- Into Daddy's soup shoes ♪
Stinker is from Glendale.

So it's down to you and Co-Z Boi
for the official opener slot.

Tomorrow night,
you'll both perform test shows
at Terminal 5,
and the Property Brothers
will make the call.

We get to perform at Terminal 5?
That's where I almost saw Lizzo,
and Florence and the Machine,
and Ed Sheeran.

It's really hard to get a sitter.

This is big time.

And can I just say,
I'm rooting for Girls5eva
because Co-Z Boi reminds me
of a guy I once dated.

I don't want to talk about it.

A world tour and
I'm moving in with Caroline?
This is my year.

Well, the timing couldn't be
more perfect for me.

Stevia's about to find out
which hype house she got into.

Her first choice is Content Crib,
but her backup is SUNY Steez Castle, so
Hey, and she just goes and lives there?
Yeah, that's how houses work.

I'm prête à partir voici,
nothing holding me back.

I'm like a sexy Macy's Thanksgiving balloon,
but with no straps,
ready to float wherever the wind takes me,
not tethered to New York
by a kind-eyed everyman.

I'm also good, obviously.

Kind of the normal in the group.

Nary a problem.

Why? Because I'm the glue.

Nothing gumming up my glue tip.

Just slick, predictable glue,
ready to stick.

Always smooth, always glue!
- I love you, Collab!
- Keep me in your basement!
What's happening now will last forever!
Yeah, let's go!
- Seriously, guys.

- Look how far we've come.

We were invited to be on this stage tonight
to sing music that we made.

- Aww.

- Wait, are you crying?
I'm the one that normally cries.

- Come on.

- Give it up for Collab!
Freaking hormones.

Yo, yo! It's your boys!
Broyce, Brace, Brice, Breece, and Braxter!
You ready to honey-do this thing?
- Then sit tight.

- We'll be back in 20 minis.

We're trying out openers, y'all.

I hate openers!
I'm leaving for chicken and alcohol.

Dude, where are you going?
Here you go.

Hey, no moose faces.

We're fucking likeable.
Let's do it.

Please welcome Girls5eva.

Hello, New York!
Hit it, boys, and one girl
with the longer guitar.

Why don't we bend
so we don't break? ♪
Why don't we lean on each
other to carry the weight? ♪
Again and again, together we stay ♪
Why don't we bend so we don't break? ♪
I could feel the pressure on me ♪
From every direction on me ♪
Every time we learn
the rules you change the game ♪
But we learned our lesson already ♪
Got our secret weapon already ♪
And it's got eight legs,
four smiles, and a cane ♪
We have a bond that can't be broken ♪
We took the long way here ♪
And we're not turning back now ♪
No matter where we end up going ♪
The one thing we know
is we won't go alone ♪
Why don't we bend so we don't break? ♪
Why don't we lean on each
other to carry the weight? ♪
Again and again, together we stay ♪
Why don't we bend so we don't break? ♪
Why don't we bend? ♪
Why don't we bend? ♪
Gloria, I love you!
Keep me in your basement!
Again and again, together we stay ♪
Why don't we bend ♪
So we don't break? ♪
Why don't we bend ♪
So we don't break? ♪
Shattering your knee was
worth it for that song.

I mean, hey, I think I have groupies.

That's new!
Is that gonna be what a tour is like?
Snuggle up.

Throw your hands in the air, now slide ♪
Slide ♪
Slide ♪
Hey, yo, my act really hinges
on crowd participation.

My God, people are leaving.

Now head up the aisles ♪
Now you're getting it.

Now head up the aisles ♪
- If I were a betting man
- and I am, it's a problem
I'd get your passports in order.

- Whoo!
- Ahh!
But seriously, who wants to take that bet?
I'm in the hole after the Rangers game,
and I don't even know what sport they do.

Sharp cheddar, this is getting real.

- To tour mode!
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
Dawn, you're hesitating.

You're pregnant?

- Yes, I'm pregnant.

- Ah!
I'm handling the quizzes at the shower.

I don't really want to get into it,
but one day I was desperate for a hair tie,
and my NuvaRing was right there, so
I mean, I know it's a curveball,
but I think we can make it work
as long as we
Honey, do you really think
a grueling tour is a good idea?
Well, I did tons of physical
stuff when I was pregnant.

You know, Zumba, and Peloton,
and I hit two mail trucks.

Why do they stop all the time? Just drive!
It's just, my aunt Ronnie
was an older pregnant lady,
and she overexerted herself,
and her baby grew up to be a Disney adult.

A Disney adult, Dawn.

Are you
are you saying I shouldn't go?
What the fuzz, Wick?
You trying to kick her out
because she took one solo in the album?
I'm just looking out for my friend.

Am I being reckless?
We'd understand if you wanted to stay local.

Shut your butts! Stevia's going live.

- Hey, guys.

- Yo, yo, did someone say fam?
- No.

- 'Cause I'm fam.

And I'm super stoked to be here
when my baby girl opens up
her Hype House acceptance DMs.

- You have keto breath.

- Truth.

Now, which hat is it gonna be?
Let's see.

Oh, my God.

- Nowhere?
- Not even Cringe Palace?
Isn't there some kind of waitlist
in case a bro-bro gets canceled, y'all?
- Oh, sorry, Sum.

- It's probably for the best.

Well, everything's in the right spot.

You have one baby,
and one little LEGO man hat
in the intestinal tract.

But that will disintegrate over time.

I do have some lifestyle questions.

- Mm-hmm?
- Um
Can I run in heels?
And what about thrusting?
Secondhand stage fog?
Wh-what about glitter inhalation?
Oh, I see what you're getting at.

Yes, yes, you can play a prostitute
in an Italian art film.

No, it's just, there's
a "Danger Geriatric" stamp
on my file, and I read some stuff
comparing my eggs to the kind
that an old man pulls loose
from a corduroy pocket.

Ugh, a lot of that language is vestigial
from when women over 35 were categorized
as "medically gross.
Don't worry.
How old are you?
I'm 40.

Oh, you're a widdle baby.

You are

Solano, you are
the youngest pregnant woman
in our entire system.

How is that even possible?
It's New York City.

The average 38 year old only owns a laptop
and two Amy's frozen burritos.

Everybody waits here.

- Really?
- Really.

Shit, I'm down to one.

- Mm-hmm.

- But her eyebrow game
can definitely come up.

What if I donate an Instagram wall
with "swole" written in AstroTurf?
Well, we'll get her a STEM tutor
you know, selfies, TikToks,
emojis, and memes?
- Mm-hmm.

- Dang it!
- Dang it to fuck!
- Kev.

- What did you just say?
- Nothing.

I don't even know that word.

Okay, Kev, look.

I know that Stevia
is incredibly disappointed.

What about Larry's hype house?
- What?
- Or an evangelical birthright
where she visits the condo in Orlando
where Jesus was born?
Stop it! Stevia can just stay here.

No, you stop it!
I am not going to be a single dad.

I've only ever been a weekend dad.

What do you do on a Wednesday?
Is that when she eats?
- She eats all the days!
- Oh, slow down, Sum!
I am not a natural caretaker.

All my crabs died.

Their chalky white paste is on my hands.

Crabs don't have traditional blood.

I can't take this on.

I'm dealing with a lot!
I live in a basement,
and I'm afraid of the dryer.

I'm sorry, ex-babe.

You can't go on tour, ex-babe.

New York City moms ♪
Nobody waits longer than ♪
New York City moms ♪
Delayed conception, mm ♪
Scheduled C-section ♪
Held off in that department ♪
Till they got themselves
a two-bedroom apartment ♪
Had to wait till they made partner ♪
To pull the goalie with their partner ♪
Bumps poking out of Eileen Fisher ♪
Judged by their husband's
out-of-town sister ♪
But they're all doing mighty fine ♪
They're all doing fine ♪
Squeaking it in under
nature's stupid deadline ♪
Gray-bies having babies ♪
They're New York ♪
City moms ♪
Nothing wrong with that egg.

Guys, I am in for the tour,
and I wanna learn saxophone.

what if we're in France
and your baby gets "Taken"?
Scott doesn't have the skills
for that, Dawn.

You think he's gonna get it back
by rearranging books by color?
Wickie, what is wrong with you?
And, Gloria, you just
rekindled your relationship
with the luminous and irreplaceable Cindy.

- Caroline.

- Well, you abandon her,
and the nightmare starts.

Mark my words.
Cynthia will stray.

She's got the stubby thumbs
of a serial cheater.

You just called her luminous.

I know that camp doesn't start till July.

I was just wondering if maybe there was
an off-season groundskeeper.

And, Summer,
you can't leave Stevia with Kev!
She'll kill him!
What the hell is going on with you?
Why are you trying to kill the tour?
I'm in love!
Okay? I'm in love.

I'm in love I'm in love
with the stupid lunch lord.

- Oh.

- Oh, my God, he's
he's cute, and he's honest
And I can't stop thinking about him
even though he owns zero planes
and a mug that says,
"Keep calm and hate the Dodgers.
He even likes my busted foot.

But is he, like, too into it?
No, he's only fine with it.

It's normal levels of acceptance.

I blame you for this!
You did this to me.
You made me evolve.

You are the Galapagan insects
that smooshed my finch beak!
Damn it!
Wickie is right.

I can't leave Stevia with Kev.

And my parents can't watch her
because they're
"building churches in Haiti.
But this bible quote
they just posted is geotagged
at the "Dirty Fox Casino and
Clothing-Optional Waterpark.
- Ooh, they're backsliding.

- Yeah.

How am I the grown-up in my world?
Oh, wait, honey.

Could you watch Stevia?
I'm going on the tour with you.

Ugh, right.

The tour's gonna be a nightmare.

Wickie's right.

I'd leave, Caroline would feel neglected,
so she goes and gets drunk one night,
and she slips up, and then I'm devastated.


And then I have guilt-free permission
to explore everything
that's out there for me.

Why aren't you doing a proud face?
- Nothing proud is happening.

- Oh.

You're the one that's always
trying to get me to branch out.

I've only been with one woman my whole life.

Well, you're treating our tour
the same way that Kev treated Tampa.

You get to do your thang, but it's not fair
to the luminous woman
waiting for you back home.

Gloria, I wasted years
of my life just sitting
in a kitchen staring at, like, cups.

No, all I want to do is hold
on to the relationship
that I cherish but experience the things
I never got to so I'll know
that she's the right one.

That's called cheating.

I wonder if the tour would go
by that Dirty Fox Waterpark.

Oh, good Lord.

It started that way.

What started what way?
I was just putting up an Ansel Adams poster
of a cool mountain.

Sheawn Last Name Unknown,
if we get this tour,
part of me doesn't want to go,
and it's not because I'm seeking comfort
or I'm Ryan Salging.

It's because I want to be with you.

And I think you and I could maybe work
because Sandra Bullock's
with a children's birthday photographer.

I like you, too, Wickie.

But you're a star,
like Vin Diesel or the Monopoly top hat.

And I'd be mad if you didn't go
'cause I would never want to be that guy
to piss out your light.


Can I chaperone the dance with you?

So you ready to be seen
in public with a lunch lord?
Right on!
Ooh, baby.

You're an actual lord?
The universe is rewarding me
for being pure of heart
and for falling for a village normling.


- I did three tours in Iraq.

- Oh.

- Okay!
- It was traumatizing.

My attacks on you all yesterday were P-BAGS.

Pew, pew, pew, et cetera.

I'm in for the tour.

Hey, Tate.

I've got some VIBs who would like a word.

Girls5eva - Oh, my God!
Drew and Jonathan.

Sorry we couldn't make the show.

We do like 800 episodes
of "Property Brothers" a year,
and we're in the middle of Toronto Week.

Ooh, sounds exotic!
- But we watched the footage.

- You did an amazing job.

Thank you.

Thank you, Mr.
and Mr.

It's just
Actually, we're in
the dream-making business.

Tate, tell them they didn't get the tour.

You didn't get the tour.

We didn't get it?
See, Joel, that's the face
that the Ballmores should make
when I'm like,
"But we're not done.

Yep, a craft room for Mom.
Ugh, who would even want that?
This is absurd.

We should be getting the good
news, not the Ballmores.

We put our blood, sweat,
and knees into this album.

- Yeah.

- I know,
but life isn't a wish machine.

You don't always get to do
the exact thing you're best at.

For me, it's this.

Sharing screen
Fight reel?
Are you watching in awe?
Your faces are too small.
I can't tell.

Ugh, I hate Zoom.

You should have been Jack Ryan, sir.

I know.

Oh, my God.

Okay, I did not wanna say this over there,
but which one was cuter?
How'd this happen?
We were so much better than Co-Z Boi.

Yeah, it's ageism.

They don't want to deal with grown-ass,
informed women with opinions.

Name the governor of New York, Dawn.

Garby Karbondo.

I'm sorry I doubted you.

Look, guys.

I know that this sucks,
but maybe it is for the best.

I don't have anyone to watch Stevia.

Wickie is in love.

Dawn could only crowd-surf on her side.

Yeah, I mean, it's not like it's '99
where all we had to think about
was how many thongs to pack.

- 47.

- Nope.

None of this is sitting right with me.

We deserve this tour.

And I've watched enough true crime to know
when there's more to a story.

Let it go, Gloria.

Well, letting go is not my brand.

I know that building.

Holy shit, they're shooting
New York for Toronto!
It rarely goes that direction.

With the money we saved on the backsplash
This reno came in $40 under budget.

Money was super important to our budget.

- They're they are!
- Is this even our house?
Why didn't Girls5eva get the opener gig?
- Sorry, we're in the middle
- Sexism, ageism?
Which ism ism it?
Co-Z Boi was just a better fit.

How? People walked out.

I'm sorry, but this just
isn't the right time, okay?
Can we just get a little B-roll
of me and the wallpaper
- I'm not leaving.

- Come on.

Look, the one with the beard,
we deserve the truth.

And I'm willing to fight you for it.

- Are you kidding?
- Do it, bitch.

Come on.

- Yeah.

- Oh! Who is that?
Come on.
Come at me!
Do you yield?
Eat shit, modern Jesus!
- Asshole!
- Not my cabinet!
Come on!
My Pela windows!
Boom in the shot!
- Oh, God.

- Come on!
That all you got?
Right in the brothers!

That's titanium, motherfucker.

Kill him.
Do it, please.

- Jesus.

- Okay, okay!
It was an ism!
- Moneyism.

- You mean capitalism?
Shut up, Jonathan!
Look, the opener has a function
up there, to die.

It's so people hit up
concessions and buy chicken,
alcohol, and our new scented hammers.

- Alcohol and hammers
- admittedly not the best combo.

Look, you were great.

It's just that this is
a business venture for us.

So we lost because
people stayed and liked it?
Especially the moms.

They're the ones with the wallets.

But thank you for the fight.

It's the only time I feel anything anymore.

When we come back, we're talking to Kaitlyn
about her dream she shed.

- Rrr.

- Oh-ho-ho-ho.

We were too good?
My curse!
If the Property Brothers
aren't gonna back us,
then we need to back ourselves!
we need to do our own tour.

Yeah, but how?
We don't have any infrastructure.

No promoter, no venues lined up, no bus.

Gloria, I know you want to do
your no consequence eff-spree
No, it's not only that.

People liked us.
Our peers liked us.

That is better than our old fanbase
of bald pervs begging for
lipstick prints on their heads.

I don't know though.

Where would we even start?

Yo, it's Bootsy Tings!
What do you want, Stinker?
It's Bootsy Tings.

I've never been anyone else.

Any-y'all, is this y'all's song?
'Cause Cow Town
is a wow town with a ♪
- Oh, my gosh.

- Oh, it is our song.

It's time to tap ♪
- It is
- What?
Into your Fort Worth ♪
The home of Hagman and Meester ♪
Hey, y'all got to get down here!
Y'all are huge in Fort Worth!
You guys, we have 28,000
streams on SoundCloud.


There was a hole in the marketplace!
Well, I guess we found our first stop.

- Ayy!
- Come on!
You guys have fun!
- What
- What are you talking about?
Oh, I can't go.

Kev can't take over for me, but it's okay.

It is.

You guys have never really needed me.

I just do the feminasty phrases,
and we don't even have those anymore, so
- Honey.

- Oh.

You haven't been useless in months.

Hey, you co-wrote a song with me.

And you're actually singing on this album.

Yeah, and you're our moral compass.

We're three pieces of shit without you.

- Maybe not me.

- That is exactly
what a self-centered
piece of shit would say.

I guess I have really grown a lot.

Maybe Kev can grow too.

- Okay, okay!
- Amen.

Okay, I'm in.
I'm in!
But only if you promise
to be honest with Caroline.


Now everyone go clean up your shit
and pack 47 underwears of your choice.

L-l-l-l-lap pool, f-f-f-f-fobs ♪
G-g-g-g-gym that Lester Holt
was seen at once ♪

I'm going on the tour.

You're gonna stay with Stevia.

No, I'm not to be trusted!
You'll figure it out,
just like I had to when you went to Tampa.

Hey, listen to me.

Be her best friend, not her parent.

Win her heart through possessions.


And find out what she's up to
by posing as an older,
very cool CGI shapewear CEO on TikTok.

I'll give you the account
and the password I made up.

- Also
- Can I get paper?
- Hey, buddy.

- You're gonna be a big brother.

I wanna play lacrosse!
There goes our New York lonely boy.

That happened too fast.

Jesus, Max!
I guess this is goodbye forever.

Because I'm leaving,
and you can't come with me.

Wickie, I don't want this to end.

There's technology now.

We can just J.
over FaceTime.

I'd like that.

Look, my path may lead right back to you,
and I know you said
it isn't great out there,
but I have to learn that for myself.

I'm so sorry, and I love you.

Oh, fuck you for this shit!
You rope me back in
just to cut the fucking rope?
You just keep the fucking apartment, okay?
- Then I just mix it up.

- You got it.

Oh, I'm scared, but I'm doing it!
- You got it! Yeah!
- Stevia!
This is your food!
All right.

- Ahh!
- Whoo!
- I could ride in this!
- Hey.

I needed new wheels
since the Cube blew up, anyway.

And we got A driver ♪
- I'm Percy.

- I'm scared on highways.

- Are you scared of bags?
- No.

Here's some food for the road.

The hot one's bagel pizzas
and the wet one's peaches.

Lunch lord.

I've only ever said this to a golf cart
I thought contained Billy Porter, but
I love you.

I love you too.

It'd be nice if you called me Sheawn.


We'll meet you in every city
that has good ramen.

- Good luck, Mommy.

- Mm, thank you, my babe.

I love you both so much.

- Are you Ted Lasso-ing?
- No one will root for you, miss!
Shut up, and let me live my life!
- Get outta here!
- Fuck off!
- Whoo!
- Come on! Okay.

I'm gonna learn maps!
- Next stop, Fort Worth.

- After that, I don't know.

We'll figure it out.
Tour mode! Whoo!
- Tour mode!
- Tour mode!
I forgot all my bras.


Got that big pussy energy,
yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
Steppin' out, done playin' it small ♪
Takin' over, yeah, wall to wall ♪
Goin' up like a cannonball ♪
It's B.
, y'all ♪

Got that big pussy energy,
yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Got that big pussy energy,
yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
Kick down the doors, no locks ♪
I don't need a key, eyes down here ♪
Yeah, I'm the centerpiece,
animal queendom ♪
Feline synergy, kickin' down the doors ♪
Big pussy energy ♪
I don't care if you like me ♪
Swagger that says you just met somebody ♪
Confidence boosted by vitamin P ♪
Kickin' down the doors,
big pussy energy! ♪
Square feet, I'm going for miles ♪
Upgrade, taking up the aisles ♪
Open up those classified files ♪
From the Department of Treasury ♪
Big pussy energy! all: B.

Got that big pussy energy ♪
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
Yeah, yeah, yeah, B.

Got that big pussy energy ♪
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
- Good night, everybody.

- Good night.

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