Glee s05e14 Episode Script

New New York

Here's what you missed on Glee.
The Glee Club is officially over because the New Directions didn't win at nationals.
Since Sue's principal and only wants winning teams at McKinley - she made good on her promise to cancel it.
- Hold up.
Which means if Will wants to coach a glee club, he has to find a new job - and he's got a baby on the way.
- God, that's awful.
Blaine got into NYADA and Artie's at film school in Brooklyn.
Sam's not going to college, but he's in New York to try his luck at modeling.
So I'm going to skip college too and become a male model.
You're too fat.
Santana and Brittany are on an extended vacation on the Isle of Lesbos and Rachel's six months into her dream of playing Fanny Brice in Funny Girl and that's about to open on Broadway real soon.
It's exciting.
And that's what you missed on Glee.
Rachel, please.
Just a minute.
Oh, I'm sorry, Sidney.
I'm actually kind of late.
- I have to go and meet my friends.
- That's not gonna be a problem.
Look, I know this has been a couple of very long months for you but you've been a trouper.
I mean, you know, having to do the show on the road Santana quitting, us having to restage the entire play- But I just want to say thank you.
- Thank you so much, Sidney.
- No, no, no.
This is how I say thank you.
- Is this for me? - Mm-hmm.
No more crowded subways in New York for my star.
Oh, my gosh.
Now, the only question is where would Miss Berry like to go? - Hello! - Fancy! Ahhh! I can call him any time of day.
He's amazing.
He doesn't even say a word.
It's like living in a high-end coffee commercial every day.
- Unbelievable.
- So where we going for lunch? Someplace cheap or free? No.
It is my treat and my ride.
You guys have been so great and emotionally supportive for me during the entire out-of-town Funny Girl run.
And through your move back to the loft which you never carried your own clothes or furniture.
It was heavy.
Come on.
We're going.
We're gonna go to The Odeon.
I feel like I've been really good lately.
You have been.
You deserve it.
Everyone from Broadway goes and it's so cool.
I don't know, probably just, like, rather than getting a side salad- - Can we pop the trunk? - Trunk is full.
- Can I sit in the front, then? - Full too.
Well- Oh, it's okay.
Sam and I can just meet you there.
Right, Sam? - Are you sure? - Yeah.
- I guess.
- Thank you.
We'll order an appetizer.
- What? - No, I can't serve you breakfast in bed if you're not in bed.
It's been months.
You don't have to keep doing-Oh, that does smell good.
They're lemon-blueberry pancakes.
And the Sunday Chronicle.
Wha-It's not even Sunday.
They print the Arts & Leisure section and Style section on Wednesday.
You know me so well.
Is there anything I can do to help? You can check if the coffee is steeped enough to press.
I still can't believe it.
We're really doing it.
Living together, building a future together- Bushwick.
Did you ever imagine that? It's actually way, way better.
Every morning I get to wake up next to you I get to walk you to the subway, then walk you to class and most days I get to have lunch with you.
And even after all of that amazingness, I get to come home to you.
And I get to crawl up in bed with you, get under the covers- Meanwhile, the Shahs of Sunset are playing in the background.
Are we turning each other into an old married couple? On the contrary.
On the contrary.
Dudes, I just made it all the way to the original Nathan's at Coney Island.
Now I kinda stink, so I'm gonna shower.
Ooh, ice cream.
Good job.
Okay, I know Sam is your bestie but he said he'd only be couch surfing with us for a few weeks.
- I know.
- It's been months, okay? This apartment has too many people in it.
You've got to talk to him.
New York, new Artie.
It was scary at first.
No space, no ramp van, no cutouts in the curbs.
- Whoa! - Hey, I'm rollin' here! Watch where you're going! This city's alive, always moving and I didn't know if I'd be able to keep up.
But then I realized I'm in the city where everybody walks which actually puts me at an advantage.
And as a bonus, my biceps aren't looking so bad thank you very much.
All of the cab drivers in New York are required to take wheelchairs and all the buses have lifts, but real New Yorkers take the subway.
There's romanticism about the city beneath the city.
There's music, there's people, there's life.
H-Hey! Hey! Hey! - Hey! - I know, man.
I'm sorry.
My laptop's in there! Hey! It's the only copy of my script.
Bro, just completed Aqua Park and Millennium Mines.
Now I'm ruling Karts & Coasters.
RollerCoaster Tycoon.
It-It's amazing.
Sam, you've been sitting there since I left this morning.
You've basically been in that exact same spot for months.
Yeah, well, Kurt's fancy wire chairs hurt my back so this thing is the only thing that's comfortable.
Uh, Kurt and I were talking and, um, we just- You want me to move out.
I knew it.
You know what? Santana got to stay here forever.
We don't want you to move, per se although that isn't the worst idea I've ever heard.
We're just- We're worried about you, man.
We know that work has been slow.
Try nonexistent, okay? I've had zero modeling auditions.
I can't even get my agent on the phone.
I just get her lazy assistant Pam who's like well, maybe I should cut my hair because I look like a dirty hippie.
- Well, maybe you should.
- But I like it.
Okay? Besides, Mr.
Schue said that we shouldn't care what people think.
We should just be ourselves.
What a load of crap, huh? Well, Mr.
Schue also said we should face our fears.
Remember that one? So- Buddy, I know this is frustrating- Maybe I just shouldn't even be here, okay? I hate New York, okay? It's crowded, it's loud, it smells like garbage and everybody here is basically paid to be rude to you.
Sometimes it's just easier if you stay inside.
All right.
Get up.
Get up.
I-I don't want to watch you waste away in here when there is so much to do out there.
Put on a clean shirt.
That's got, like, five kinds of stains on it.
Come on.
Follow me.
We're going outside.
Come on.
Hey, if you can sing in the middle of Times Square you can pretty much do anything.
I think it's time that you conquered this city.
I don't know why they call it Times Square.
I don't see any clocks.
Every art has its instrument.
The violinist has his violin.
The sculptor has his stone.
And the mime has his body.
Let us begin our work today with the mime's most heartbreaking expression of his accursed silent ennui.
The pulling of the invisible rope attached to something heavy.
What are you doing here? This is a winter master class taught by Marcel Marceau's illegitimate son Alain.
Y-You're a freshman.
I got special permission from Madam Tibideaux.
Turns out I'm in six out of eight of your classes.
- How is that even possible? - Stop talking! And now, we will move on to the mime's most tragic expression of the pointlessness of man's existence.
We are walking down the street without a worry, a care in the world and suddenly we begin to notice that we are walking in place but we are not going anywhere.
Have you asked Sam to move out yet? We haven't had a moment to ourselves.
And now, we will stop to pick a flower.
And in front of your eyes, the flower dies.
Are you sure it's not me who's crowding you? No, why would you say that? Good.
I was really worried I was suffocating you.
So maybe after this, we can get lunch? 'Cause then we have Theater History class together and Auditioning for the Camera class together- And now, you are trapped with the person next to you in a box.
At first, the box seems big enough for the two of you.
But then, the box begins to shrink.
The box where you live, because that is all a mime can afford.
Getting smaller and smaller and smaller and smaller and smaller.
It's that time.
Time for change, reinvention, rebirth.
That's what N.
Is all about.
Okay, maybe that's a little dramatic, but don't kid yourself.
Getting a haircut is a big deal.
Normally, I wouldn't take style advice from helmet-haired, bow-tie-loving Blaine but he really helped me see the light.
Or in this case, the scissors.
Yeah, I'll miss rocking the bronytail but I need to jump-start this modeling operation, shake things up.
Time for new head shots, new portfolio, new attitude.
Because if there's one thing I've learned you can't just sit around waiting for the good things in life to come to you.
You need to kick down some doors and make them happen.
This is Sam Evans like we've never seen before.
Here I come, New York City.
I'm so close to owning this town, I can practically taste it.
Yeah, that computer cost over a thousand bucks.
My-My credit card was in there, my phone- - Tell him that he was on crutches.
- And he- Yeah.
Thanks so much for your help.
That's it? Any leads? Blaine, do you have to use the SodaStream machine right now? - Artie's in a very fragile state.
- Sorry.
I'm sorry about him.
He just needs his bubbles.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Rachel.
Do you want a homemade sparkling, sugar-free soda? Oh, no, thanks.
The carbonation's bad for my vocal cords.
But- You know what I will take? Just some, like, hot water with, like, a little lemon.
- Thank you so much.
- Rachel, you missed it.
Artie was mugged in the subway, and now it's like an episode of S.
over here.
- What? - Except for not at all.
I wasn't touched.
I was robbed.
- Oh, my God.
Are you okay? - No.
Not really.
I don't know what I'm gonna do about replacing that computer I need a new school I.
, and to be honest I don't know if I'm gonna feel safe going in the subway anymore.
I just felt so vulnerable and I don't- I don't know, alone.
Blaine, I'm gonna throw that machine out the window.
I am so sorry, but I know exactly how you feel, okay? When I first moved to New York, I gave this homeless person $10 when I just meant to give him one, and when I asked for it back everyone hissed and they booed at me and I felt so violated and vulnerable.
Oh, wait.
So you were out nine dollars? But look, the next day, I just got right back on that subway because overcoming experiences like that is what makes you a real New Yorker.
Your beverage, milady.
Oh, are those Meyer lemons? No, I can't have that.
You know what, Rachel? Don't lecture me about being a real New Yorker with your lemon water and your chauffeured limousine.
You're not even a real person anymore.
Now if you'll just excuse me I have to go figure out how to put my life back together.
It's a town car, not a limousine.
It's a town car.
Right? A town car.
So, I found this song by A Great Big World that would be perfect for our band.
It's got a nice pop feel to it without being totally saccharine and you're not listening to a word I'm saying.
I'm sorry.
I-I didn't get any sleep last night.
- Mmm.
Lucky you.
- It's not like that.
Blaine bought a couch off the back of a truck because apparently the furniture I carefully chose from Chelsea's finest flea markets isn't that comfortable.
It was a mid-century knockoff, so I gave him an "A" for effort but as soon as I lifted up one of the cushions I saw that the entire couch was riddled with Bedbugs! Bedbugs! Bedbugs! So we spent the entire night disinfecting everything, taking Silkwood showers and disinfecting everything again.
And I know what I'm about to say sounds like a bad Bravo show but I'm starting to think that couch was an omen of our relationship.
Seemingly fine from the outside but headed for certain disaster.
- Hmph.
- Does that sound crazy? - Absolutely.
- Well, it's not just the couch.
I'm starting to feel claustrophobic.
I mean, I wake up next to Blaine, I-I go to school with Blaine I come home to Blaine.
I feel like I'm starting to lose my identity.
Okay, well, stop me if you don't want my opinion.
Okay, when I first heard you were engaged I thought, "Mm-mmm.
Big mistake.
Too young.
" But you know what? Seeing you guys together, I think that what you have is real and worth fighting for and I'm super jealous.
Still, though, everyone needs time alone.
It's healthy.
So just set some boundaries.
But don't forget to rehearse with your band.
Miss Berry, no worries about the garment bags in the back.
I make sure they lie flat.
Okay, great.
Thank you.
Look at me.
I'm sealed up in this mini popemobile, glassed off from the masses.
I feel nothing in here.
The only air I breathe smells like pine tree air freshener and Mennen Speed Stick.
The only danger and risk in here is a paper cut on the trades in my seat-back pocket.
Artie's right.
I am isolated.
Rapunzeled away and barely out of my teens.
Fanny Brice's father was a bartender down here on the Bowery and I still haven't schlepped to an opening at the New Museum.
Dmitri, where are we right now? Uh, we're now crossing into Chinatown.
What am I doing? Who am I turning into? I'm losing my authenticity.
How am I gonna be one of the great Broadway actors, which was my lifelong dream if I don't have any real-life experiences to pull from? Stop the car.
Um, sorry, I'm actually just gonna get out right here.
I'm gonna get a cup of really strong black tea and then maybe stop at that herbalist and get some stuff that the kids in Ohio have never tasted before.
What better way to say "Sorry for bringing bedbugs into the house" than by preplanning the design of a much-needed loft work space? I can't stand seeing such a prime piece of the floor plan go to waste.
As much as Kurt is feeling anxiety about being crowded I'm still feeling as if I'm living in someone else's home.
If I'm gonna be here for a while, then just like Pippin I'm gonna find my very own corner of the sky.
Kurt's done a marvelous job creating an atmosphere of the quintessential New York living experience but let's be honest, it's not entirely functional.
Kurt's gonna love this.
Is-Okay, is that one of those outlines that the police use? Did somebody die in here? Sam, this in no way resembles the shape of a person.
So? So no, no one died in here.
What did you do to your hair? Oh, well, thanks to you, I-I-I got it cut.
And then, bursting with my newfound New York City confidence - I went out and I booked my first modeling job.
- What? - Yeah.
I know.
- That's amazing.
Congratulations, man.
What's it for? Bubble.
What- Booty-contouring underwear for men.
Thanks to Bubble, men can now have that sexy, round onion booty that they've always dreamed of.
I didn't even know there was a market for that, but that is great.
And I got you a free pair.
Oh, thank you.
I, um, can't wait to show Kurt.
Good news keeps coming, my brother.
I am moving out.
Y-You're moving? Where you going to? The agency's putting me up in an apartment with a bunch of other models.
I'm stoked.
My own place, sort of and, you know, I'm not gonna be taking up any more room on the couch.
Well, you're gonna visit us, right? Um, yeah, if I have time, you know.
But I-I-I might be traveling to Paris and Milan every week.
Who knows? - I'm gonna pack everything up.
- Yeah.
Oh, did you hear Sam just got a job? What are you doing? Uh, this is, uh, something I thought would make a really great office area.
Back away from the lamp, okay? When someone enters their sanctuary they don't want their eyes immediately drawn to a hideous work space.
- I'm not done yet.
- This isn't McKinley.
You can't just barge in here and do whatever you want, whenever you want, all right? You could've at least consulted me before making design decisions in my home.
I thought that this was supposed to be our home, Kurt.
And believe it or not, not every single design decision you make is brilliant.
This whole privacy-curtains-between- the-bedrooms thing is stupid.
Come on.
We can hear every single noise our roommates make at night and God knows what they hear from us.
You know what? Elliott was right.
We're losing our boundaries.
I'm sorry.
Elliott? What-What does Elliott have to do with any of this? - We were talking.
- I bet you were talking.
- He's my friend.
- I bet he's your friend.
Calm down, psycho.
All right? And stop being so pouty and weird.
It's annoying.
All right, let's just be adults and put everything back where it's supposed to go.
Okay, I got an idea.
Why don't you put it back where it's supposed to go because it's your apartment.
Fine! I will.
Hey, move it, kid! - Who is it? - It's Blaine.
Hey, I- Are you okay? Oh.
Oh, God, you're not trying to move in here, are you? No, I'm not.
We need to talk.
I don't have your number and I don't have your e-mail and we're not friends on Facebook because I made it a point of waiting for you to friend me which you never did, by the way.
So here I am face-to-face.
I just want to hear you admit it.
Admit what? That you're trying to steal Kurt away from me, Starchild Gilbert! What? What are you talking about? Please! I was onto you the second I saw that weird "cinnamon roll selfie" you took months ago.
You guys posted that.
Remember that? I get to New York and all of a sudden it's "Elliott thinks this" and "Elliott thinks that" and "Elliott's hair is so full and thick that he doesn't have to rely on hair gel.
" Well, I may not be a cool, steampunk, glitter-rock vampire with, like, tats and guyliner, but you know what? I love Kurt.
I love him.
He's my fiancé, not yours.
So back off.
Okay, uh-Are you done? - Take this.
- What? Yeah, it's, uh, it's like a body pillow.
I think it's gonna calm you down.
- Take a seat.
- Okay.
Look, Blaine, I'm not after Kurt.
We're just friends.
Don't get me wrong, I mean, he's a-he's a cute guy but I-I don't think of him that way.
And even if I did, Kurt loves you.
I mean, he-he doesn't shut up about you actually.
Like, ever.
I'm-I'm sorry.
I don't know what's going on with me.
It's just, we've been apart for so long and now that I'm finally here, I just want to catch up to him.
I just want to make it real, and the more I try- The more it pushes him away? Well, maybe you should stop trying.
Hey, look, New York is a really crowded place and people need a little more room to breathe here than usual.
You're right.
I guess I always think of boundaries as walls instead of places to grow in.
I'm so sorry.
I-I should go.
Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.
You just got here.
You want to just hang out for a minute? Um- I mean, you've obviously come to jam.
I- You gave me this.
- Glitter-rock vampire, huh? - I didn't mean that.
I'm sorry.
I like that.
I-I-I can work with that.
- Okay, okay.
- Come on.
Give me some blues.
Give me some Southern- Um.
Gli- - Hey.
- I got your text.
Why did Her Royal Highness summon a commoner like me? Okay, that was a little rude, but I know I had it coming.
Look, I had an epiphany, and you were right, okay? About everything.
I don't want to be sheltered from the world.
I want to live in it.
So, let's go.
I have rehearsal and you have class.
Let's take the subway.
- No, I can't.
- No, together.
I know you're a little shaken up about what happened, but trust me I took Krav Maga as a child at the J.
And I can protect you.
- So, what about the limo? - Town car.
I gave it up.
I told my producers I'd be in a much better place if I rode the subway with my friend every day.
- Every day? - Well, if you'll have me.
Look, I will make you a deal.
I'll ride the subway with you and make sure you don't get mugged again if you give me a tongue-lashing if I lose my way.
- I can do that.
- Okay.
I'm really happy that you're in New York.
The city is a much less scarier place with a friend.
And I'm really happy you dragged me back down here because I really do love it.
I think there's, like, a dozen models living here but people take off for weeks at a time on photo shoots so it never gets too crowded.
- The rooms are kind of small.
- Oh, that's okay.
I've been homeless.
That's cool, man.
I envy your realness.
Listen, I got to do this paid webcam thing in my room but if you have any other questions, just ask your roommate, Sam.
Wait, my roommate's name is Sam? Okay, this couldn't get any cooler.
I'm sorry.
I'm Sam.
What? - Hey.
- Hi.
So you went to see Elliott.
I did.
He's a good guy.
He's a good friend to you.
He's one of the only real friends I've made since I came here.
He texted me as soon as you left his apartment.
Six hours ago.
So I guess I've just been wondering where you've been.
Well, I, um actually took a water taxi to the Statue of Liberty.
Just needed some space so I could think.
I went to the High Line to do the same.
Well, then can I go first? I think I should move out.
I'm not sure that's what I want.
Me neither, but I think we need to take a step back for a second, together and just look at the situation honestly.
It's not working out.
After graduation, I just moved in, and we didn't have a conversation about it.
We never weighed the pros and cons.
We never really discussed if this was the absolute best thing for our relationship.
We just wanted to be us.
And-And we are together.
We are so together, but I just think that maybe living together in less-than-ideal circumstances- Maybe we don't need that pressure right now.
I mean, it's such a scary decision to make.
- I-I just, I feel like I-I- - I know, I know.
It is scary, but I think it's a little less scary if we make the decision together.
We can't go backwards.
We're not going backwards.
I think we're being smart.
By protecting something that is very precious to me.
- You know that, right? - Of course I know that.
Of course.
I know.
And no matter who we become, even if we do need alone time which is completely valid we'll always belong to each other.
And even though this-this wasn't a fight this was just, you know, grown-up, adult conversation, you know we are now going to have the hottest makeup sex ever.
It never hurts to sing when you're going on a casting.
You do the best impressions.
- That's so Kathy Ireland.
- Huh.
Okay, now do Gisele.
No, I should probably get some sleep.
I got a big follow-up photo shoot with Bubble tomorrow.
The Wonderbutt undies? Oh, my God, Sam.
That's great.
- Thanks.
- Okay, well, look.
Use these.
I swear by it.
It keeps your body from retaining any water.
And I have Adderall if you want.
Oh, and if you have trouble sleeping, Marla has Ambien.
I prefer Lunesta.
God, my schedule's been so cray lately.
But don't take whatever Gavin has.
He says it's clenbuterol, but I swear it's, like, pig tranquilizers.
I got to go.
You don't have anything for anxiety, do you? I don't, uh-I don't think I can stay here.
I hate everything.
Sam? Oh, my God you guys are not gonna believe what happened to me and Artie today.
- Sam? - Sam, come here.
Listen to this.
This is going to sound like one of those crazy New York stories and I wouldn't believe it myself if it hadn't just happened - but I swear- - Just tell us.
Okay, right.
So, Rachel and I were riding the "L" train.
I'm gonna take a little nap right now.
Oh, my God, it's him.
- Who? - The guy who mugged me.
Oh, no.
- Shut up.
- Okay, so then, we see this guy and he's, like, inching towards this super sweet, elderly looking lady who'd obviously had a little bit of work done but it was a very tasteful- just right around her eyes.
And this guy was eyeing her gorgeous Hermès Birkin bag.
And then- - It's pepper spray.
- Let me do it.
Be careful.
I cut him off and sprayed him right in the eye.
- God, I felt so vindicated.
- It was amazing.
And when we got off the subway, we found out that this guy got arrested and it turns out that he's, like, a mugger/hoarder so all this stuff was just at his apartment.
- Yeah, and the cops found my laptop.
- It's amazing.
Wow, you're like a real-life Professor X.
- That's so great.
- It was pretty amazing.
Well, Kurt and I have had a bit of a big day ourselves, actually.
- Well, it wasn't as dramatic as that.
- Well, it-it was- It was pretty dramatic.
Um, we decided that I'm gonna move out.
- Shut up.
- Really? Don't worry.
We're not breaking up.
No, far from it.
We actually think this is gonna strengthen our relationship.
Yeah, I said he needs to discover the city the same way I got to.
Find his favorite neighborhood, find his favorite pizza place.
You know, have some time and space to explore and grow and find out who he is here.
And to that end, my first thought is that I'm a guy that wouldn't mind crashing on Sam's couch in his new apartment.
I actually-I actually don't have a new apartment anymore.
Um, I moved out.
That place, it wasn't it for me.
I'm not saying I'm giving up my dream of being a model.
I-I still want that more than ever.
I just- I want to do it the right way with, you know no puking, pills and eating cotton balls.
Well, that's good.
Maybe we can find a place together.
- Yes.
- Up top? Guess who's taking over New York? What! - I mean, this day couldn't get any better.
- Mercedes! - What are you doing here? - Oh, I missed you guys.
Okay, that's it.
You're never leaving now.
Just bring it a little bit to the right.
Oh, my gosh, this apartment is so cute.
I'm so happy that Mercedes is here.
Well, technically, she's not here, which is why we're doing all the work.
- And where is she? - She's inside with Sam.
- Alone.
- Oh, dear God.
I mean, L.
's okay if you like sunshine all the time, which I don't.
- Yeah.
- It makes me squint.
Then I got to thinking about all of you guys and all the fun that you must be having.
And I ain't ashamed to say it.
I got a little lonely out there.
I missed you.
Well, I miss everyone.
- Even Rachel? - Yes, even Rachel.
That girl, she keeps my head in the game.
So I told the producers that my album needed - an East Coast, Harlem, bebop, uptown kind of vibe.
- I don't have any idea what that means, but the suckers bought it.
I love the Harlem bebop.
So, here I am.
Two bedrooms and a refrigerator.
- That's so cool.
- It's crazy.
So, uh, what are you gonna-What are you gonna do with the other room? Oh, well, you know, I was thinking of storing my hair for my weaves in there.
But then I got to thinking, maybe I should rent it out to a couple of nerds that I knew back in high school.
You know, Blaine and I need a place, so you could just, you know, rent to us.
- Oh, you were talking about us.
- Yes, I was.
Well, listen, that's great.
That's amazing.
How 'bout that? Yeah.
Uh, what are we, uh- What are we gonna do about the- our sexual chemistry? 'Cause it's- Uh-uh.
Been there, done that.
No, Sam.
- Okay, yeah.
Just friends, just friends.
- This looks good though.
All right, fine.
Yeah, just friends.
That's a good call.
- That's a good call.
- Mm-hmm.
I will bite your wax lips off.
Listen, we play by my rules or not at all.
Okay? Oh, yeah.
Can you tighten that up? It's a little loose.
Some people just don't know how to screw things.
Come on.
I really wish I could be helping you guys.
Don't worry about it, Artie.
We know you would help.
Rachel, on the other hand, I don't know.
What? I'm texting my publicist.
That was a joke, but I do have to go.
We're doing sound and mic checks now at the theater.
Are we still on for dinner tonight for our annual Monday night because-it's-my-only-night-off dinner? Let's do a potluck, 'cause I'm not cooking for everybody.
I'm so excited.
This is going to be a great new tradition.
I'm gonna go and get pies now for everyone.
Taxi! Taxi! Hey! God, I love her style.
God, I need a break.

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