Glee s05e15 Episode Script

Bash

Here's what you missed.
Rachel got the lead in Funny Girl.
They've been rehearsing forever, and now the show's about to open and Blaine and Sam and Artie and Mercedes are all in New York too.
If you can sing in the middle of Times Square, you can pretty much do anything.
Artie's in film school and Blaine's at NYADA and Sam is a model and Mercedes is recording an album.
And Blaine and Sam moved in with Mercedes, and Sam really wants to go out with her.
Or go out with her again because they already went out and she broke up with him and sang "I Will Always Love You" wearing the world's most awesome wig.
- What are we gonna do about our sexual chemistry? - Been there, done that.
No.
And that's what you missed on Glee.
I've been in this business for a very long time.
I produced a lot of shows.
And the next two weeks- tech and previews- that's when companies come together or they fall apart.
Now, people- I need a hit.
A real, real hit.
So I want you to focus.
I want you to rest.
And I want you to be the absolute best that you can be.
This stage is yours now.
If you have any questions, I'll be in my office.
Sidney, can I just talk to you for a second? - I have a scheduling conflict.
- Huh? What? The stage manager said I should talk to you about it.
It's just a two-hour conflict.
Rachel, you're in every scene.
The whole thing is about you.
I understand.
It's just that, um- Well, NYADA has been so great with dealing with the Funny Girl schedule so I was just hoping that we could maybe return the favor and- - Please.
Please.
- It's for my Midwinter Critique.
- You're killing me.
- I'm sorry.
Um, it's just a huge part of my grade.
It's in front of the entire faculty and students.
And if I could just make it to this then we'll be into performances and I will be Rachel Berry- NYADA sophomore by day and Broadway star by night.
I think you're overextending yourself.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Look, this whole time I've been putting up with my classes and working at the diner and I haven't given you any less than 150%.
All right, fine.
This is the one exception, okay? Thank you so much.
Thank you.
I really appreciate it.
You're a gem.
Thank you.
I guess you'll have to take the bus to Langley.
Edna.
Well, maybe we should forget our plans- - Sam.
- Huh? - Turn that down some, please.
- Absolutely not.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Sorry.
- What the hell are you watching anyway? - The Facts of Life.
It's amazing.
It's about this old redheaded lady who runs this boarding school for lesbians.
And then I think the lesbian school burns down.
So now the old redheaded lady opened up this pot dispensary called Edna's Edibles.
They all work there.
Oh, well, now I'm awake.
You mind if I watch it with you? Sure.
What an interesting picture of a cow.
I've always had trouble sleeping.
When I moved to New York, Blaine- You're gonna get a kick out of this.
He started reading me Star Wars fan fiction until I got tired.
"'I think young Anakin has a diaper full of midi-chlorians, R2' said C-3PO, as he bottle-fed space formula to the infant Jedi who would bring balance to the Force.
" Whoever wrote this fan fiction really sucks.
Actually, George Lucas wrote this one.
Can I ask you, um- Can I ask you a question? Mm-hmm.
You never told me why you broke up with me.
Yes, I did.
I told you I just-I didn't know who I was and until I figured it out, we just couldn't be together.
I still think it's a load of crap.
Be real.
I mean, you dated Quinn, Santana, Brittany, almost Rachel.
And wasn't that school nurse you dated, like, 30? And there's a rumor that you even made out with Tina.
Wait.
Penny the school nurse is 30? That's why she got clingy.
I can't mess around like that.
It's just-It's not me.
I'm not that kind of girl.
Oh.
Well, you know, I feel like you and I never even got to figure out what we even had.
It was just, like, over before it even started.
And now there's this obvious chemistry that I don't know what to do with.
Oh, it's not up for discussion, Sam.
You asked me a question, and I answered it.
Okay? I just wanna watch the lesbian show about weed and go back to bed.
Fine.
Mmm.
I mean, to launch a ship when they're about to close the harbor.
Oh, gosh, I'm so excited that we're all together for our weekly potluck dinner.
Well, it is only week number two.
The tradition will be falling apart in no time.
Hey, um, who's this? That was our, um, neighbor's friend.
He got beat up last week.
That's a nice way to say he was gay bashed.
Apparently, he was just walking down Bleecker Street and these guys jumped out of a pickup truck and just decided to beat him up.
He's lucky to be alive.
It's so depressing.
Hate crimes in America keep decreasing but in New York, they're actually increasing.
Yeah.
Why? Well, a few ignorant idiots just hate the idea that we're finally being accepted.
They hate the fact that we're marrying.
They hate the fact that we're moving into neighborhoods that are supposedly "straight.
" So they lash out by trying to kill us.
Okay, well, let's change the subject before we all get so bummed we can't eat.
- Yes.
- Please.
NYADA Midwinter Critiques are upon us and our fearless leader, Madam Tibideaux, has tightened her turban and given us the ultimate musical theater challenge.
Sondheim! Oh, my God, it's amazing.
- How are we gonna pick? It's so hard.
- We have to do a duet.
Hold the phone.
Are you two playing footsie? No.
I have that, uh, restless legs syndrome.
I just- I forgot to take my iron pills.
Uh-huh.
I don't know why we always have to keep this a secret.
What? There's nothing to keep a secret.
So we're not keeping anything a secret.
Okay, well, that's bull, and you know it.
Okay, you know I've always liked you and you clearly have feelings for me too.
Sam, you're out of your tiny little mind.
Okay, come on.
Look around you, okay? We're not in high school anymore.
We're adults and we're in New York City.
We can finally be the people that we always hoped we could be and do all the things that we've always dreamed about doing.
Um, what are you doing? I want to make a wish.
Are you about to throw a coin in the East River? No.
I'm gonna make a bunch of wishes and they're all gonna go towards the same wish.
Oh.
There's a screw.
That you, Mercedes Jones Will open your eyes and realize that we're perfect for each other.
Sam.
What are you doing? Excuse me.
Excuse me.
You can't just throw things into the river.
Look- - Sam.
- By the way, who's gonna tell you - that you shouldn't be wearing that fur coat? - What? What? You know how many animals were killed to make that coat and how they were killed? It takes a lot of dumb animals to make a fur coat and it only takes one to wear one.
It's a faux fur, Sam.
It's not real.
Well, that doesn't matter, okay? Because it's 2014, and that coat's sending a message that it's okay to skin animals alive or electrocute them.
Look, you have a career to think about.
Is that what you want your image to be? Fine.
It's not that cold out anyway.
No, I was- I wasn't serious.
You don't have to-Oh! It was your idea.
You see what I'm saying? We are perfect for each other.
Here, take my coat.
You're gonna freeze.
Yeah.
Yeah, that was a bad idea, wasn't it? Thank you.
All right, now let's go do something.
Jump on the train and, uh, get a hot dog.
No.
No, you just- You go back to the apartment.
I'll meet you in a little bit.
You serious? Yeah, beat it.
Look, this is just- It's a lot to take in, and I have a lot to think about.
So you go back to the apartment.
I'll meet you in a little bit.
I promise.
Okay.
Sam.
If we're gonna do this, we have to set some ground rules, okay? We have to take it slow.
Like, you stay in the living room on the couch and I stay in my bedroom.
Could you be okay with that? For you, yeah.
Yeah, I could do that.
Okay.
Okay, wait.
Hold up.
So this is a guy that you dated in high school? - We didn't really date, not really.
- But high school.
Mercedes, we just got here.
I just figured out what subway stop is closest to my apartment.
You've already given up on New York to date some guy you know from home in Ohio? - Listen.
I know that it sounds weird.
- No.
This sounds weird.
"Clive, it would take me all day to kiss your fat ass.
" That was my impression of Chris Tucker doing, uh, Kevin Hart.
No, Kevin Hart doing Chris Tucker.
It's a work in progress, but it's gonna be a classic.
Sam, these are my very good friends and very talented backup singers.
Oh.
- Shaynice.
And this is Tesla.
- Hey.
Okay, I've always wondered this.
What is the thing with hip-hop artists naming themselves after cars? Is that a thing? Okay, my parents, Rob and Sherry named me after the inventor, Nikola Tesla.
- So why don't you ask her? - Oh, yeah, no.
She's, uh-She's named after her mom's favorite actress, Mercedes Ruehl.
Oh.
I forgot that I told you that.
Steel trap.
So- So Sam is in New York to be a model.
- Oh.
- That's right, yeah.
It's, uh, pretty easy.
You kind of just stand there, strike a pose.
They ask you to strip down to your underwear.
Not a big deal.
But, uh, yeah, it's fun.
I mean, who doesn't wanna meet a model, right? Um, I'm gonna go get a chair.
There's actually a lot of acting involved.
You'll be standing there and the photographer will ask you to feel some sort of emotion, so you gotta use your brain.
You gotta stop and you gotta think.
Like, okay, Sam, concentrate.
And it's great.
And then you just-you feel that emotion.
So, how about we order? - Yes.
- I just got a haircut also, if anybody was wondering.
Where is that waitress? Well, you guys have beautiful hair.
Yeah.
Is this like a- Is that a weave? Or is that real? - What? - Oh, God.
No, actually, um, both of us have real hair.
- Oh! - Yeah.
Mercedes too.
Yeah.
She is also not wearing a wig.
Awesome.
No? Excellent performance.
Or it would've been had the assignment been a duet.
Apparently, you both feel that you are above this class and all that governs it.
No, not-not at all, Madam Tibideaux.
I'm flunking you both.
Next! Wait.
It was a good performance so I'm going to give you the opportunity to give me what I asked for originally.
I want you to do it as individuals.
Reschedule this week, it's fine.
Um, I'm sorry, Madam Tibideaux.
I'm just-I'm in the middle of tech rehearsals for my show right now- Miss Berry, I've said everything I have to say to you.
Either you do it this week or you fail.
That's it.
Next! Please get off my stage.
- - Madam Tibideaux? Do you have a moment? If it's to reschedule your Midwinter Critique, then yes.
Otherwise, no.
I'm interviewing Mike Nichols at the 92nd Street "Y" at 5:30.
Um, so I was just hoping that we could maybe reschedule for after my opening night.
I thought I was very clear about that.
It's either this week or you fail.
I thought that the appeal of NYADA was that we could explore other activities outside of the school.
Yes.
As long as you kept your studies up.
But I've spoken to your professors and they say you are underperforming egregiously.
- I'm sorry.
Who said that? - All of them.
I have put up with every single thing that this school has thrown at me including that lunatic Cassandra July.
Miss Berry, you are barely scraping by and you have the nerve to come in here and ask for special treatment when you haven't earned it? I'm sorry.
I don't understand why you're being so difficult.
It's just a critique.
It is not just a critique.
This is about you deciding.
Are you part of this community? Do you want to get your degree? Do you care about the work or is it just about the spotlight? That's what you have to decide.
I did decide, and I chose I would do whatever it takes to make it to Broadway and that is why I fought so hard to get into NYADA- to help all of my dreams come true, and they have.
I-I am in my-my dream show, playing my dream part.
And I'm not going to turn my back on that.
I'm sorry.
Oh, come on, little girl.
You are not the first supernova to come through here.
You are talented.
You have drive.
What you don't have is you have no foundation.
You don't listen and you don't take direction.
That's why you need NYADA.
You're not ready.
You're wrong.
You're wrong, and I'm going to prove it to you.
Okay? I don't need NYADA anymore especially not if it's gonna hold me back.
Think long and hard about what you want to say next.
I have.
I quit.
Look, he's very nice.
Nobody's saying that he's not nice.
Yeah, and his impressions were really good.
His Bill Cosby impression? Spot on.
His impression of all the Cosbys were good.
And I don't think a Tempestt Bledsoe impression's easy.
- I'm surprised he found a toehold there.
- Me too.
All right.
Well, what's the problem? Shaynice, can we just stop skating around it and talk for real? Mercedes.
You're black and he's white.
Period.
Girl, he's not just white.
He's blond.
He's practically albino.
You can see the veins in his temples.
If you date a white dude you're gonna alienate all the black women you want to buy your album and you're gonna piss off black men too.
The only people who will buy your record are albinos.
Well, maybe I don't care.
Fine.
Maybe you don't, but you should.
Now, look, we stated our case.
"Well, you take the good, you take the bad you take them both, and there you have the facts of life.
" Oh, I don't know what it is about Mrs.
Garrett.
She just does it for me.
Natalie, you always do well on your tests.
- But what if I don't? - I can't do this.
What? What do you- What do you mean? I can't be with you.
I can't date you or be your girlfriend or whatever.
- It was dinner, wasn't it? - No.
No.
I knew I screwed up.
No, you know-I-You know, I just, uh- When I get nervous, I can't stop talking and now your backup singers probably- they hate me, don't they? No, they don't-they don't hate you.
They like you just fine.
I'm just worried about what people are gonna think.
Okay, well, then I'm gonna ask you something, and I want you to be honest with me.
Does it have anything to do with the fact that you're black and I'm white? Think about it, Sam.
How many black female artists do you see dating white dudes? Because I've been thinking about it all day, and I can't think of one.
What white folks don't understand is people pay attention to that kind of stuff.
It's making a statement.
And I'm not sure if that's the statement that I wanna make, not now.
I can't believe you're saying this.
Okay, you know what? This-This isn't you, Mercedes, okay? When we were in Glee Club, there- there were all different types of people.
There was gay, straight, black, white, Tina.
- It didn't matter.
We would- - Sam.
We are not in high school anymore.
Okay? We're not in Glee Club.
Okay? This is the real world.
That's all that we have.
And the real world has rules.
And I'm sorry, Sam.
I really am.
But this is just the way it is.
You and I are not a couple.
And I think you should move out.
Hi! Thank you.
Sorry that I'm late.
I know what you did.
You're crazy.
Oh, my God.
Are you serious? You really already heard about that? Seriously? The gossip chain at NYADA is the most efficient part of the school.
- Okay, look, don't judge me.
It was the right thing to do.
- How can you say that? Two years ago you would've done anything humanly possible to force your way into that school, and now you're just gonna quit? Oh, my God, that was before Fanny, okay? - Everything changed from that moment on.
- I understand that.
But an education from NYADA will give you options in the future.
Broadway is a fickle business.
What if this is the last role you ever get? Last role? Really? Wow.
You are worse than Carmen.
Is that honestly what you think of me? Of course not.
I'm just saying you need to be smart about this.
Okay, look, Kurt, I'm just not interested in spending huge sums of money on a school whose classes I can barely even attend and a dean who doesn't like me or support me.
Yeah, that's not what it is.
She's just- We can play the "what if" game all day long.
But I have the opportunity of a lifetime staring me in the face right now and I can't let anything, whether it's school or Carmen or the diner or, you know, even my friends, stop me from accomplishing my dreams.
For the last time, Rachel, I am begging you.
Please don't do this.
You know, I am so hurt right now that you are standing in the corner with a failure like Carmen Tibideaux and not your best friend.
I'm not on Carmen's side.
I'm on your side.
No, you're afraid, okay? You're afraid to venture out.
You need a place like NYADA where it's just one big safe group and no one takes any risks.
That way you guys can just avoid the fact of actually having to grow up and be an adult.
- Screw you, Rachel.
- Wow.
Okay.
Help! Help, help! - Help! Help! - Shut up, faggot! Hey! Hey! Get off of him! - Hey, look.
- What is wrong with you? - There's two of them now.
- Yeah, even numbers! What is wrong with you? What decade are you from, huh? I'm not afraid of you! You're just a bunch of cowards! Come on! I mean, she just turned and walked out.
It was like some horrible nightmare.
I'm sorry, buddy.
I wish I knew what to say.
Because I'm too white.
Can you believe it? Like, I'm telling you, it's really hard to be a straight white male these days.
We should probably change the subject.
Hey, look on the bright side.
We get to look for our own place now.
And, hey, I can give you your old kazoo back.
Remember this guy? Remember that? Anytime you're feeling down or you have trouble sleeping just give that thing a little toot And I'll read you some Star Wars fan fiction! - No, I don't really want to.
- Come on.
It'll be fun! Hey, I just read a Web site all about Ewoks and how they're polygamists.
How is that fan fiction? Of course they're polygamists.
That's obvious.
Hold on.
Watch this.
It's crazy.
Hello? Yeah, this is Blaine.
Sam, I don't want to talk right now.
Hey, what's up, girl? I know we're not supposed to change the lines.
I just- I don't feel like Fanny would say this.
Just-Why don't I- I'll do it the way that I hear it in my head.
- Why don't you just let me- - I'm sorry.
Rachel, phone call.
They say it's urgent.
I'm sorry.
One second.
Hello? Oh.
Is he okay? Is he awake yet? I have no idea.
They won't tell me anything.
I'm not family.
Is he okay? He has a hairline fracture above his right eye socket some other cuts and bruising.
He's alive, and he will be okay.
Now, he's sleeping now from the morphine, but you can see him.
Hey, Kurt.
Hey.
I know you're on a lot of painkillers, buddy but you can wake up anytime now.
Sam, just leave him be.
I just feel so responsible.
We had this huge fight.
And then I just left him all alone.
If you'd been with him, he would've done the same thing.
I wanna kill whoever did this to him.
Don't say that, Sam.
You don't mean that.
I just wish he could hear me so I could tell him I was here.
He knows we're here.
He does.
Hey.
Thank you for coming.
- So, this is it, huh? - Yep.
You know, Aretha Franklin, Ray Charles, Coltrane Chaka Khan, Thelonious Monk-they all recorded here.
Now Mercedes Jones.
Yeah, that's right.
You know, I've been thinking a lot about our last conversation.
Yeah, me too.
And you had some good points.
But I do too.
I can't pretend that dating a white guy is not something that people aren't going to notice.
But then it occurred to me that it's so messed up that I even took that into consideration.
Me not dating someone because they're white is like me telling someone I can't be their friend because they're gay.
I'm not gay.
I know you're not gay, Sam.
I don't really have that much to say.
I kind of just wanted to sing about the way I feel.
Could you- How's it going? Call me White Chocolate.
Hey.
Kurt, what were you thinking? I mean, I know what you were thinking, but- Who do you think you are-Die Hard or Charles Bronson or something? Those guys could've had a gun.
What would you have done? Just run, like they tell us? - I played football, Kurt.
- So did I.
- As a kicker! - That's the same attitude that makes these guys think that they can do whatever they want.
Oh, come on, you could've called the cops.
You could've gotten help.
Now, look, I'm proud of what you did, but come on, man.
Use your head.
You realize how lucky you are? And what are you saying about that other gay kid that you saved that night? He's-He isn't brave? He's not as strong as you? I don't know what his story is.
I only know what mine is.
And I've been fighting these guys for a really long time.
I've been fighting too.
Okay? I don't know, man.
I mean, it's just, uh- I can't believe that this happened here.
You know? I mean, this is New York City.
I mean, come on.
This isn't Kansas.
Am I an idiot because I thought you'd be safe here? Safer? Look at your beautiful face.
I'm not upset about it actually.
Kind of hoping for a scar.
Is that weird? Yes.
It's weird.
I hurt, just not on the inside.
And you know what? Now I know who I am, without a doubt.
You know who that is? Is that Braveheart? Your son.
The man you raised.
I'm glad you're okay.
Just don't do it again.
Unless I'm right next to you.
We'll take 'em together.
Hey.
Sure you're up for this? You just got out of the hospital.
You don't have to do this.
I do.
And I want to.
I heard he woke up.
I heard he's gonna be okay.
Can I come in? You know, just because you said you were gonna drop out of NYADA doesn't mean you have to go through with it.
I've made my decision, okay? College just isn't for me.
Because it's too safe? Because it's for people like me who never take any risks? I'm sorry.
I-I should never have said that.
It's okay.
We've had worse arguments than that.
Kurt, I, um- Look, I'll say it till the day I die.
You're the most talented person that I've ever met and you've taken more risks in your life than I ever have or ever will, and I just-I don't want another minute to go by without telling you that I love you and you're my best friend and I'm just glad that you're okay.
God, you're sappy.
But you're my best friend too.
And you know I love you.
Okay.
- Monday night potluck, yo! - We'll have some food.
- Hi! - What's up, everybody? Mercedes and I have an announcement.
Drumroll, please.
Well, Sam and I- We are officially dating again.
Wait.
Were you guys ever really dating? - Mm, not really.
- Yeah.
Your relationship has always been kind of weird.
- Okay, that's racist.
- No, they're right because you guys had that summer fling and then you moved away and then you came back and then you dated for a few more weeks.
But I don't think any of us ever saw any chemistry.
Okay, how's this for chemistry? Ooh! - Okay.
- Okay.
Well, um, I have an announcement to make.
Yes, we know.
Funny Girl starts in two weeks.
- You've been tweeting about it every day.
- Yes.
- No.
So Kurt is singing tomorrow at NYADA for his Midwinter Critique and it's really important for his grade.
And although I won't be attending the school anymore, I will be there in support and to also witness what will undoubtedly be an amazing performance.
So I really hope that you guys can be there and join me.
Well, I don't know about the rest of you fools but I wouldn't miss it for the world.
- To Kurt.
- To Kurt! - To Kurt.
- To Kurt.
Cheers, buddy.
Kurt Hummel is here! Whoo! Whoo!