Glee s05e16 Episode Script

Tested

Here's what you missed on Glee.
Sam and Mercedes are dating and living together after Sam tried couch-surfing at Rachel and Kurt's and they made him move out.
You've been sitting there since I left this morning.
Blaine moved out too, even though he and Kurt are still getting married but they decided it'd be better if they were living apart.
Artie's in New York too, and he used to date Tina, Brittany, then Kitty.
Now he's single and on the prowl at film school in Brooklyn.
That's what you missed on Glee.
America is under attack! Who's about to sneak up to Lady Liberty and punch her in the face? Is it the marauding Hun blitzkrieging across Europe? Is it the Imperial Navy who attacked our boys at Pearl Harbor? No! America faces a much more insidious threat: S.
T.
D.
's! Hey, boys.
Did you know there's an epidemic in this country? Well, there is, and it could be hiding in your trousers.
Do you know what an S.
T.
D.
Is? It's a sexually transmitted disease and the numbers are skyrocketing.
And don't think you're not in danger just because you're a handsome idiot, a debonair homosexual a hapless invalid or a strapping male soprano.
I'll bet you'd like to know how you can stop this epidemic in its tracks and give Lady Liberty back her dignity.
Why, get tested, of course.
Just say, "I think I may have the clap, please" and you're well on your way to making this country shipshape again.
Hey, boys.
Do you know that an untreated S.
T.
D.
Can lead to - Blindness! - Sterility! - Insanity? - Even death.
Do you want to end up in an iron lung? No, sir! Attaboy, soldier! Feels good, doesn't it, boys? And how.
Remember, get tested for S.
T.
D.
Or America will end up R.
I.
P.
I couldn't agree with you more, happy tourist family.
I love New York.
The culture, the diversity and, oh, the food.
Hey.
You want the regular, Blaine? You know it, Aristotle.
Lima's idea of international cuisine is a Taco Bell and Breadstix.
But in N.
Y.
C.
, it's a United Nations of restaurants.
From Mexican to Mongolian, Hungarian to Honduran Vietnamese to Viennese.
- - And there's always room in the tum-tum for my newest obsession- Cronuts.
If a croissant and a doughnut made sweet, sweet love their baby would be a Cronut, a flaky yet buoyant sugar-kissed pastry of perfection.
It's sort of become a habit that I enjoy a Cronut or two on the way to school.
And maybe on the way back home.
Okay, I'm addicted to 'em, but they go great with everything.
Especially the breakfast in bed that I serve Kurt every Sunday morning.
83, 84- Yes, the Big Apple is delicious and I plan on savoring every bite.
Come on.
Come on, come on.
Could this be the- Could it be the Freshman 15? Frank Sinatra said it best.
New York is my kind of town.
Actually, I think he was talking about Chicago, but I'm in New York now and as Dorothy Gale always said "There's no place like home.
" Except she was talking about Kansas.
Still, New York is just so different from high school.
At McKinley, no one wanted anything to do with me because I was a nerd in a wheelchair who tucked my sweaters into my pleated khakis.
But here, I do exactly the same thing, and everyone thinks it's cool.
- Hey, Artie.
Look.
- Oh! In high school, I had to beg girls to go out with me.
Here, I'm lady bait.
I'm like the pied piper of coed trim.
A year ago, I was dating one girl and considered myself lucky.
Now I'm dating three.
- Hi, Artie.
- Hey, Vanessa.
I'm Vanessa, and I'm so hot for Godard I made my parents throw a French New Wave party for my sixth birthday.
When I saw Artie's experimental short film, Rags the Homeless Clown I was like, "Oh, yes, I will sleep with him.
" Hey, Jess.
Are we on for The Fly at the Film Forum tonight? You bet your sweet ass we are.
Yeah, I have a thing for wheelchairs.
Crash is the greatest film ever made and I'm not talking about that Paul Haggis Oscar-bait train wreck.
That film could've used a train wreck.
I'm talking Cronenberg.
Hey, Julie.
Sorry I'm late.
And then there's Julie.
She's the one I've really got my heart set on.
I'm ready when you are.
This is narration for Bags in the Wind, a film by Artie Abrams, take one.
When a plastic bag gets caught in the wind does it feel sadness or hope? Does the plastic bag know it is eternal? She's smart, funny super talented, and everyone likes her.
A year ago, I would have been terrified to ask out a girl like her.
But these days, I've learned you just gotta go for it.
- Mayhap- - Great, Julie.
I want you to try it again, but this time with a little more twilight in your voice.
Twilight.
That's amazing direction, Artie.
Listen, Julie, maybe we could go out sometime.
Like on a date? I'd love to, Artie.
It's just-I sort of have a policy where I don't date anyone that I'm working with.
Oh.
Sure.
Great.
Take two.
- - Stage combat is not for the weak of heart.
Our bodies are our weapons.
And speaking of weapons, check out the gun show.
- Finally hit puberty.
- I'm serious.
Make a muscle.
I've got to hand it to Kurt.
He's looking amazing these days and he deserves all the attention he's getting.
Still, I just can't help but feel- What is it? Oh, just cut the crap, Blaine.
I'm actually feeling a little jealous.
Back at McKinley, I'd be the guy getting fawned over.
I lifted.
I boxed.
I was in the Dalton Fight Club, for God's sakes.
And Kurt was, well, Kurt.
Most of the time, he was more comfortable hanging out with the girls.
Like when the Glee Club sang "Summer Nights" he did the Rizzo part.
But the winds have changed.
There's a shift in the power dynamic.
Kurt's the hotshot now, and after what happened to him a few weeks ago a lot of people look at him as a hero.
He's leading man material.
I've always known he could be that, but most people didn't.
I guess I'm just not used to Kurt being seen as a sexual object.
And to be completely honest, I don't know if I'm comfortable with that.
Let's go, cheese puff.
Time-out, okay? Time-out.
I need to come up for air.
This sofa's killing my back.
Well, actually, you know what? Blaine's not gonna be home for a couple hours, so if you want to go lay down or- Sam, I think we need to have a conversation.
Okay.
Things never got too serious for us back in high school for a number of reasons but the truth is, things haven't gotten too serious for me with anyone.
- I'm a virgin.
- Oh.
Okay.
I'm not.
Yeah, I got that.
You know, and that's fine.
We just-We have different pasts and different levels of experience.
I just-I don't want to do anything until I know that I should.
Hmm.
Okay, well, uh, we can go as slow or as fast as you would like to.
As long as we're together, you get to call the shots.
Okay, you guys, look you need to help me find a clinic, preferably free.
Are you sick? - I don't think so.
- Then what do you need a clinic for? To make sure that I'm not, you know, sick.
Okay, guys, I'm trying to be a gentleman here, like, Mercedes-wise.
Look, I want to get an S.
T.
D.
Test just to make sure I have a clean bill of health to, you know, ease her mind.
Wait, you guys haven't had sex yet? No-What's so shocking? We just started dating.
But you sleep in the same room.
Well, I mean, I really like her, and I don't want to mess things up, you know? We're taking it slow.
Well, I, for one, think that's very, uh-uh, admirable and, uh, postmodern romantic.
And if you need a free clinic, there's one on 14th Street in Chelsea.
Does it hurt? I mean, do they, like, stick your thing with anything? No, it's just, like, a blood and urine sample.
It's quick and simple.
If you're nervous about it, I'll go with you.
- Yeah.
- Boys' day.
Sounds fun.
Yeah, I mean, we haven't been tested since the whole Eli.
C debacle.
Not that we have to worry, but it would be the responsible thing to do, to get tested.
- Even you, Artie.
- What? Oh, I didn't order this.
Oh, I-I whispered to her.
It's my little gift to you.
Trust me, you and your crazy self-denial dietary regimen will thank me once you have one sip of this frozen hot chocolate.
All right, one sip.
Then I'll thank you, then I'll jog home.
- Cheers.
- Cheers, cheers.
- Cheers.
- Cheers, cheers.
- Oh, my God.
- Mmm.
- Just have the whole thing.
It's really good.
Hello? Artie Abrams.
Okay, I'll cut right to the chase.
You have tested positive for chlamydia.
What? You can't be serious.
I haven't had any symptoms.
If I had, I would've come in right away.
The test came back positive, which means you're asymptomatic, which is even worse because it means that you could be spreading the disease without knowing it.
That's what I call a season finale.
Sam, I can't keep watching this show with you.
Come on, Blaine.
Season seven of Arliss is when it gets really good.
Guys, I can't stand it anymore.
I have to tell you something.
- I have chlamydia.
- What? - What? - Oh, my God.
- Yeah, I know.
- Are you serious? - The doctor called me and said I tested positive.
- How is that possible? - I don't know how.
- Do you wear condoms? - No.
- Well, that would be how.
- Artie, are you kidding? The one time I bought some, I got nervous because they were locked in a cabinet and the pharmacist asked me what kind I liked and I panicked.
Then she gave me these ones that were all greasy and they smelled like banana.
It was like putting on a tiny, greasy, banana-flavored wet suit.
No, Artie, okay? There's no excuse.
That is completely irresponsible.
- You have to wear one every time! - Stop yelling.
- I'm sure he feels bad enough.
- No, Blaine, this isn't okay.
Artie needs to be slut-shamed.
I'm slut-shaming you, Artie.
You're lucky you just caught chlamydia.
You could've caught something that can't be cured.
You could've gotten somebody pregnant.
Did you think about that? Slut! Slut shame! Well, I'm sure you're getting treated, right? Yes.
I take antibiotics for two weeks and then I go for a checkup to make sure it's cured.
- You have to tell the girl you slept with.
- Which one? - What? - I'm sorry.
"Which one"? Yeah, I've been sleeping with two different girls.
Who are you? It's like I don't even know you.
Sam! Calm down! Artie, listen to us.
You have to tell these girls that you have chlamydia.
If you don't, you're gonna put their health at risk.
And they could be spreading it to others.
It's the right thing to do.
You owe it to them.
You have what? I can't believe this.
I think I'm going to pass out.
- I'm so sorry.
Let me explain.
- What is there to explain? You have chlamydia, and now I have to get tested which means I have to go down to the campus free clinic and sit in that waiting room with warts on my face.
Oh, my God.
Am I going to get a freaking canker? My parents are coming to visit.
I just hope we can still be friends.
Friends? No, Artie.
We are not friends.
You are Patient Zero, and I'm telling everyone to stay away from you because you, Artie, are disgusting! Oh! And, Artie? Your films suck! Jessica? Can I talk to you in private? Sure.
I'm just gonna come out and say it.
- I tested positive for chlamydia.
- Oh, okay, is that it? I don't know if you heard what I said.
I- You have chlamydia.
I heard you.
Don't worry about it.
- I'll go to the free clinic after class.
- You're not mad? I'm not if you're not.
For all we know, I could've given it to you.
Later.
Artie.
Can I talk to you for a second? Remember when you asked me out and I said no? Well, I thought about it and I'm an idiot.
I'd love to go out with you.
- Great.
- Great.
I'm free tomorrow night if you maybe want to grab some food or something? - Mm-hmm, sure.
- Awesome.
Well, I will see you then.
You like it, don't you? It's subdued, right? I wanted to go all Russell Westbrook, but then I was like, no more like Melo Anthony, 'cause that's my thing.
Stop stressing.
I get it.
You don't think I'm gonna fit in here.
Blond hair, white skin.
- I'm D.
Q.
From the start.
- Let's just offer our thanks for our blessings.
Speaking of, I have an offering.
A clean, spotless bill of health.
- What? - In order to give you everything I have to make sure I don't give you anything.
Okay.
Um- Baby, thank you so much.
Total, total sweetness, but you are focusing way too much on what's on the outside.
I mean, the hair, the suit and the other thing.
- Hmm.
- I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm still unsure about going all the way.
And I know that I love you, but I don't know I want to turn to God for the answers.
I get it.
In order to bring someone into your life you have to bring the Holy Spirit in first.
And praise to our brothers and sisters from the Land of the Rising Sun who came all the way across from God's green earth to hear us lift our voices.
Not that I'm having a bad time or anything but when does this end? Maybe your butt's too bony.
Maybe you just need to grow a church cushion.
- That's-That's not even- - Shh, shh, shh.
We haven't even got to the good part.
And I ask you, brothers and sisters in Christ to let one of our own speak from her heart and lift your voices to the steeple of this temple! To the meltin' snowcaps of Mount Sinai! - Whoa.
- To the battered zero-gravity cubbyholes of the International Space Station! I give to you a gift from God the voice of Miss Mercedes Jones! All right! I need everyone to pair up.
Half of you are Athenians, the other half Spartans.
Athens shirts, Spartan skins.
Guess I'll be the Spartan.
- Yeah, you will.
- In high school I did everything I could not to take my shirt off in front of other people.
Like, I don't think I showered once after gym class.
Now, though, thanks to a little more working out a little more protein, my outside self is catching up to my inside self.
Okay, begin! Oh.
Ooh.
And I feel pretty comfortable in my skin, and that feels good.
I have to be mindful of Blaine though.
New school, new city.
It's stressful.
He's being tested.
We, as a couple, are being tested.
I can't let my new confidence erode his.
So, I was thinking as great as it is to have the whole gang back together again why don't you and I have a date night? - Just the two of us.
Maybe dinner and a movie? - I'd love that.
I'm working on dinner, so you pick the movie.
All I ask is that it's in color, in English and made after 1989.
- What are you whipping up in there? - Fettuccine in a cream sauce potato gratin and a molten chocolate cake for dessert.
We can't eat all that.
It's just a little heavy.
I hope you're not trying to plump me up.
Since when are you manorexic? I'm not.
I'm just taking better care of myself.
You know, as actors, our bodies are our instruments.
And my instrument is, um, getting a little out of tune? Is that where you're going with this? No, your instrument is as handsome as ever.
I was just thinking maybe we skip the fettuccine and walk to the movies and pick up a salad at Pax on the way.
Sure.
I guess this'll keep.
Great.
I'll look up show times.
I hear there's a great new indie playing at the Quad.
Um, Blaine? Don't worry.
I won't order popcorn at the movie theater.
And by the way, I know that I've been putting on a few pounds.
No, no.
It's just this, um, very adult Web site I-I just found on your computer.
I wasn't snooping.
It was just-It was open.
Um, right there in the window on the desktop.
Well, I-I- If it's just, um-Oh, uh- FratBoiPhysicals.
com.
How often are you on this? You know? I don't want to know.
Whatever you do on your computer is-is-is your business.
But I just-I find it a little interesting that we haven't been intimate in, like, a week, and maybe this is why.
Wait, wait, Kurt.
L-L-Let's talk about this.
No, I don't want to talk about this.
She's so pretty.
I have to find out who does her hair.
"Celebrity Beauty Tips and Tricks.
" Rachel.
Can I ask you something, um- It's a little personal.
Yeah, of course.
What's up? - What was your first time like? - Oh, are you and- and Sam are thinking of- I mean, was-was it like a-a big deal? Was there, like, a hotel and flowers? 'Cause I feel like I'm a little too old for that.
You know, it's not gonna be romantic as if I were back in high school and I don't need a big moment or anything but as silly as it sounds, I do want it to be special.
No, I know I want at least that.
Well, my first time, uh, it was just at his house.
And, um, it was special because, you know, it was with him and I loved him and he loved me.
I just-I don't know if I'm ready for this.
Look, I don't think anyone can ever know how or if they're ever gonna be ready.
I think that in the moment, when you're with that person you feel like you want to remember being with them for forever and then everything will just fall into place.
Kind of wish it was both of our first times 'cause I just don't know if I'm gonna be any good at it.
No, don't think like that.
Sam is a really good guy.
Okay? And if you feel like it's right then he will make you feel like you're the only one.
Okay.
We were supposed to meet at the diner so we could walk to class together.
What happened? Oh.
Sorry.
I got off early, and I forgot to text you.
Gather up! Okay, today is stage weaponry and, yes, this is a real bo staff.
And, no, you will not be using real blades yet.
Not until you can be trusted.
Safety first, safety last Safety always.
That's right.
You're still mad about the Web site thing, aren't you? - No.
God.
- All right, everyone partner up and start moving your way through the weapon stations.
I really think we should talk about this.
You know what, Blaine? Sometimes I think we talk too much.
You know what, Blaine? Sometimes I think we talk too much.
Aaah! What the hell, Kurt? - Blaine, are you okay? - I'm fine.
- You sure? Safety first.
- I said I'm fine.
Oh, my God, I love this place.
- Can I get you two lovebirds anything else? - Uh, yeah.
What's the most expensive dessert on the menu? - Sam! - It's a diner, Sam.
I don't think there's anything too expensive.
Do you have those milk shakes with, like, little specks of gold in 'em? - We do not.
- Sam, you don't have any money.
I'm not gonna let you pay for this meal.
Oh, look.
There's Artie.
I'm gonna go say hi.
- Don't touch him.
- What? Why would I touch him? Just don't touch him.
Hello! Welcome to the Spotlight Diner.
Julie, this is my friend Kurt.
We went to high school together.
Nice to meet you.
This place is so cool.
Totally worth the 45-minute subway ride.
- - So, do you guys want H.
P.
V.
Or herpes simplex 2? - What? - He asked if we want a table or a booth.
Oh.
H.
P.
V.
I mean, a table.
Follow me.
Look, Sam, I know what you're doing.
We're on a date.
We had a really great night.
You tried to pay for this delicious meal.
- And what's wrong with that? - Nothing as long as you're not assuming that this night is going to end up a certain way.
Okay, I'm not assuming anything.
I'm just trying to treat my lady right.
I don't do things in exchange for anything.
That's just my way of saying I love you.
Oh.
All right, what can I get you two? - How about you, rolling S.
T.
D? - Um, how's your Reuben? It's okay, but there is a lot of pus on it.
I'll have that.
Would you recommend the wartburger with grilled scabies or the fettuccine in chlamydia sauce? People love our wartburger but I would go with the chlamydia fettuccine.
It's my personal favorite thing from the menu.
Oh, look! It's someone's birthday! Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap.
- I'm sorry, Kurt.
Can you give us a second? - Yeah.
Julie, I need to tell you something.
I really, really like you.
And I don't want to ruin what we have by moving too fast.
I think it would be better for our relationship if we agree not to have sex for the next seven to 10 days.
Okay.
Um, that's sort of an insanely weird thing to bring up.
I just really like you, and I don't wanna- Yeah, I get it, but this is a first date, right? So this thing that we have started a little less than an hour ago.
Which means I myself wasn't even really thinking about sex, to be honest.
So, yeah, I think I'll be able to wait an entire week.
Week to 10 days.
Right.
Not a problem.
Do you know how much it means to me that you're even considering this? I mean, I don't know if our relationship is forever but right now I know that nothing's ever felt as real to me as my love for you.
And if there's a way for me to express how I feel about you whether it's buying you dinner or spending time with you or having sex, I-I want to do it.
Hey, remember the rules.
Ah, my hands are above the waist! And on top of the clothes.
Have you ever heard of the term "high, dry and suffering"? Have you ever heard of the term, "Hell to the no"? Sit down.
Come on.
Let's talk.
What's up? Well, you know, everything that you said to me, um, in the diner it really meant a lot.
And I do believe that if we were to take that step that it would be incredible and special.
I've never been like this with anybody before.
So, in a lot of ways, it would be a first time for me too.
I went back to the church and I prayed about all of this all over again.
And I need to wait, Sam.
Okay, um, I can-I can dig that.
How long? Like, um, couple weeks? Until I'm married.
Hold on.
I love you, but I don't think I can get married in a couple weeks.
We haven't even sent out invitations, and that takes a long time.
I know that this sounds old-fashioned but there's this special part in my soul and it's the most sacred and vulnerable part and when I give that to a man I'll be completely exposed.
I can't just do that with just anyone.
I'm not just anyone.
I need to know that the man that I'm with is gonna be there for me forever.
I want him to be my husband and I want him to open up to me in the same way too.
You know, maybe when I do it, I'll feel silly for making it such a big deal but maybe I won't.
So you're saying it's never gonna happen unless we get married.
Well, yeah.
I mean, for now we'll just have to figure out ways to feel close that aren't physical.
Okay, so what's the difference in that and just being really good friends? Okay, I-I love you, Mercedes but I'm also a 19-year-old guy, and- I want to be able to do this for you, but I-I can't.
Can I have some time to think about it? Yeah, sure.
Take your time.
Yeah, no, he's here.
Okay.
Okay, bye.
Bye.
That was Rachel.
She's just confirming us for her opening night.
What'd you tell her? I said, "Yeah, if we don't kill each other in combat class, count us in.
" What happened in there? You were really coming at me, as if you had something to prove.
What, I'm not sure.
That I'm as strong as you are.
- Okay, but it's not a contest.
- Isn't it though? On some level? 'Cause for the first time in my life, I really feel like I'm losing.
I've felt that way ever since I got to New York.
I feel like we're in this race together, and you are just so much farther than I am.
And it just feels like the whole balance shifted.
What balance? Guess it started when we first met and you came to Dalton because you were trying to get away from Karofsky and I wanted to help you through that.
- And you did.
- And I loved the way that felt.
I loved it.
I loved being able to protect you but now I look at your life, and it's completely different.
You're a star at school.
You have all these cool new friends.
You started this band, and I just- I feel like you don't need me anymore.
To protect or anything.
You asked me to move out, for God's sake.
We made that decision together.
So is that what all this stuff is about that's going on? You trying to get me to eat more.
I don't like the way that I feel about myself anymore, Kurt.
Okay? And you have this, like, amazing new body.
Do you want to know why we haven't been intimate? It's because I feel insecure around you.
I feel insecure around my own fiancé and FratBoiPhysicals.
com isn't gonna judge me.
And neither will I.
Ever.
But I am not going to apologize for not being some delicate flower that needs his boyfriend to protect him.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe it is a contest.
Maybe that's the way it has to be with two guys.
But I would much rather be running this race with you rather than against you.
Me too.
I just- - As equals.
- I know.
I know.
I-I know.
I know that.
I'm sorry.
I'm just- I'm just so scared that you're gonna keep changing, and you're gonna keep getting stronger.
Then one day you're gonna wake up and you're gonna realize that "I don't love him anymore.
" Never.
I'm always gonna love you.
And I don't want you to be insecure or ashamed around me.
Next time you're going through something like this you have to be honest with me.
Okay.
Julie.
I need to talk to you.
Our date was weird, and I wanted to apologize.
Yeah, it was weird.
You were all jumpy and nervous, and the sex conversation was really bizarre.
There was a reason why I was acting so weird, and it's difficult to talk about but I need to be completely honest.
I have chlamydia.
Are you serious? Yeah, and I'm not even sure who I got it from.
What? You don't know? It was either Vanessa from our Postwar European Cinema class or Jessica from my Contemporary Voices in Venereal Horror seminar.
Wait.
You slept with them? Artie, that's grosser than the chlamydia.
Those girls are idiots.
Last year, Vanessa made a short film that consisted of a single shot of her eating a pile of dirt for 45 minutes.
And Jessica had an endoscopy for a stomach ulcer and then entitled the footage Another Holocaust and submitted it to Sundance.
- I just wanted to be completely honest with you.
- Well, great.
Great that you want to be honest 'cause honesty makes you see who everyone really is and who you are is not who I thought you were.
You're a creeper, Artie.
Congratulations on totally skeeving me out.
Hey, Mercedes, it's Sam.
Yeah, I know.
If you're calling to break up with me, just go ahead and say it and get it over with so we can figure out how we're gonna be friends.
Okay, um- - Okay, well, we know we can- - Hold up.
Blaine lit a bunch of candles.
Blaine! Blaine! Mercedes, I gotta cut this short.
My girlfriend just arrived.
Oh, don't worry.
I have a fire extinguisher handy in case anything tips over.
Look I hope you don't think I'm copying you but I also prayed about us.
I didn't go back to that church 'cause I didn't remember where it was but I prayed in the bathroom, and that's where it hit me.
Sex is awesome.
It's like one of the greatest things that God ever invented.
But what's better than sex? Horseback riding um, skydiving, probably and hearing you sing.
I don't need to think about this anymore.
I- You know, I've said this before but this time, I really mean it.
I can live without sex.
But I can't live without you.
Sam Evans- You have no idea how nice it is to have a real girlfriend here to talk to.
Kurt pretends to be one, but it's not the same and Santana was just a tad unpredictable.
Yeah, well, thanks for the good advice about the whole S-E-X thing.
Okay, my philosophy is that if you can't even say the word without spelling it then you're definitely not ready.
- Hey, I am not a prude.
- Okay.
Okay.
I'm kind of a prude.
But you know, my heart is my biggest erogenous zone.
If I decide to do it, I want it to be the "making love" version not the "bumping uglies" version.
Sam definitely loves you, because I don't know any other 19-year-old boy who would say it's okay to wait if he wasn't totally in love with you and obsessed with you.
No, I know that he loves me now.
But it's easy to love when it's new, you know and if he can put up with my crazy and my sass for a couple more weeks or even a couple of months, who knows? I salute you.
I have a good feeling about this, and I think Sam is a great guy.
- Yeah.
- There was like a minute there where I thought something might happen between he and I, but it passed, thankfully.
Really? How come? Well, besides the fact that you two are obviously soul mates.
Oh, my God, obviously.
I don't think I actually liked him.
I think I just- I don't know.
He reminded me of home, and he and Finn were very close and I think I liked the fact that he understood how I felt.
So there's, like, not any guys that you're interested in? Like, um none of your cast members or that director? Please.
This is closed for business.
Rachel, you know you guys weren't dating when it all went down though.
No, come on, we were always dating.
You know, even when we weren't.
We knew how it was gonna end.
Or, you know, how it was supposed to.
I get that.
Yeah, I think we all did.
But you're this amazing, beautiful woman about to go through the greatest triumph in her life.
I'm not saying that you need to go out there and fall in love but let a dude, I don't know, buy you dinner and tell you how hot you are.
I know.
I should.
And I will.
It's just, you know, it's like a line between your past and your future and, I mean, I'll draw it when I'm ready.
It's like you and Sam.
You weren't ready.
You had to listen to your heart.
You'll know when it's right.
I know, babe.
You're okay though, right? Like, I didn't push too hard, did I? No.
Like I said, it's really great having a girlfriend here to talk to.
You know what? It really is.
So how does that work exactly? Well, I have to drink five pints of hot coconut water every day with a little garlic salt, some Splenda and a splash of hot sauce.
And then you basically jog until you hallucinate.
I got it off of Matthew McConaughey's blog.
- That doesn't sound healthy.
- It's not.
What we're really doing is saying that we're gonna start eating healthier and cooking healthier and we started this new ab class at the NYADA gym.
This is kind of our way of saying good-bye to eating out for a while.
So thank you so much for being here on the start of Blaine's cleanse.
Whoa, Artie.
You wanna talk about it? - Talk about what? - Oh, my God, that looks really delicious.
What you're burying in your worry hole with all that hot fudge and nuts? - Julie still not talking to you? - She's not not talking to me.
It's just-I can see how she sees me now, and it sucks.
I didn't think there'd be a downside to being a film school player but I was wrong, and I paid the price.
- Herpes.
- No.
Losing Julie.
And it was chlamydia.
Anyway, I'm gonna give up the game.
For a little while, at least.
I mean, sex isn't the be-all, end-all.
It's like me and Mercedes, you know? If something's important, you can't let sex get in the way of it.
You know what? We should do an all-guys New York City Abstinence Club.
- No.
- No, definitely not.
That's not a good idea.
Ugh! Mmm.
No Oscar is worth that.