Glee s05e17 Episode Script

Opening Night

Rachel.
Rachel.
Rachel, come on.
Rachel.
Come on.
You're on.
Here's your c-c-costume, Rachel.
Steak a dreg.
There's nothing on the hanger.
Yes, well, apparently the emperor wears no clothes.
Little trouble chewing on something? Love me.
I love you.
Why can't you love me back? Hey, Rach! It's all riding on you, kid.
Even though you have no business being up there shouldn't you be onstage? Where's my purse? Or my Finn necklace.
Where's my Finn necklace? Get on with it! Get on with it! Get on with it! Boo! I don't know why you're so anxious.
You killed it in previews up in Syracuse.
- No, you didn't read any of the reviews.
- Yes, I did.
- I read every one.
- You only read the legit ones.
You did not read the independent bloggers or the comments section.
- I told you to stay out of that comments section.
- I couldn't help it.
And now it's like they're my anxiety avatars.
Like the people in my dream.
They're the voices of all the self-doubt that I've ever had about myself.
Why do people become actors in the first place? It's because we wanna be loved.
We're like a-like a bottomless cup that just constantly needs to be filled with love and validation.
Give me your phone.
You're being unplugged until after opening night.
- Wait.
- No going on the Internet for anything.
Scorsese, Woody, Miley.
None of them read reviews or blogs or check Twitter.
Okay? We are going to hermetically seal this loft into a big love bubble and fill it with positive affirmations and validations from people who know you and love you and have no doubt that you're going to be amazing.
If you need your cup filled, we'll fill it right here.
Okay.
Hey, William.
How's your day going, huh? - Honestly, it's been a little rough.
- Yeah, I don't care.
Listen, it's come to my attention you have an extra plane ticket to New York City.
That's right, yeah.
I'm going in for Rachel's opening.
Yeah, Emma and I booked it months ago but she's obviously too pregnant to fly right now and Coach Beiste said that Southwest wouldn't let her fly because she takes up two seats.
Well, I'll take the ticket.
I have to see New York.
What are you talking about? You hate New York.
Western Ohio there's a scab on the face of America.
It's an island.
It's shaped like a dong and smells like hot pee.
This island is called New York City and it's high time the real America told New York to take a hike.
New York is a loud, overcrowded cesspool of 10 million people and 70 million rats where the best one can expect after a Central Park wilding at one of the city's hundreds of ethnic day parades is a soggy pork-anus frankfurter that a cockroach walked across.
Honey? New York is not just the playpen of the mega-rich billionaires who crushed and snorted our nation's retirement savings.
It's also the home of Broadway that great American institution that bores us to death one night a year with that bi-curious minstrel show of self-congratulation- the Tony Awards.
That broadcast lit up the switchboards with thousands of angry callers and the network brass did their research and they discovered I've never been to New York City.
- What? - I've been taking my cue from cable news lately just lying a lot.
But now I need to actually visit that hellhole and see how soulless, empty and bullet-ridden it really is.
- Well- - Or I'll lose my credibility.
Okay.
Fine.
The ticket is yours if you want it.
- But you have to pay me back for it.
- Mm-hmm.
And you have to come with me to the opening night of Rachel's show.
I mean it, Sue.
No excuses.
You drive a hard bargain, butt chin.
I'll do it.
Great.
Actually looking forward to it.
New York City.
Huh.
What's that gonna be like? This place smells like barf.
Come on, Sue.
Follow me.
- Tina! - Hi.
Hello, big fat Broadway star.
- Hey! - Bottle time.
These are for you.
- Oh, no.
Do you have laryngitis? - Oh, no.
She's just resting her voice.
Thank God.
This would not be a good time for your tonsils to flare up again.
Remember that? First year of Glee Club? Hey, where is everyone? Rachel's opening night on Broadway is a big deal.
And where's Artie? I was hoping to get to see him.
Oh, his short film Bags in the Wind got accepted into the Fort Lauderdale International Short Film Festival.
Oh, that's too bad.
I mean, what about Quinn and Puck and Santana? I mean, are they just not being supportive? Tina! Why don't you catch us up? How's Brown University treating you? I love everything about it.
Except for my dorm room.
My roommate, she's nice, but she's from Pakistan and she speaks almost no English and she's always watching that Al Jazeera channel.
And, no, I don't have a boyfriend.
But I was dating this really nice guy, but he turned out to be- - Gay.
- Homosexual.
No.
- Yes.
Anyway- - Knew it.
Rachel, I read this amazing story about you on broadwayworld.
Com and they are predicting that Funny Girl is gonna be a huge hit.
And so is everybody else, except for a few moronic bloggers.
But who are they to call you pitchy? And do not get me started on those anonymous comment trolls.
- You are not that short.
- Shut up.
It's fine.
It's fine.
Frankly, the only opinions that I care about are you guys.
And I love you guys and you love me.
So, you know, if I ever need any validation I just turn to my buffet of people right in front of me.
If you don't mind, I am going to take a nap.
This diva needs her beauty rest, so- All right, Tina.
Get your bags.
You're coming to my place.
But I thought I was staying here.
- What if Rachel needs my love and validation from the buffet? - Just go.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
The only thing Berry's got in common with Streisand is her ginormous schnoz.
Someone call the bomb squad 'cause Funny Girl will no doubt be a funless flop.
- Do Broadway a favor, Rachel Berry - No.
Nothing.
And take your bony, untalented butt back to whatever Hobbit hole you crawled out of.
- Oh, honey.
- Sorry.
Guys, it's bad.
Rachel has been cyber cutting all night.
She read every negative comment ever written about her in the span of an hour.
- No! - Yeah.
Yeah, she's taken to her bed.
She says she's too psyched to go on tonight and that her confidence is shot.
We have to fill her with love and validation so she gets it back.
Otherwise, everything she's ever worked for her entire life is gonna be ruined.
Let's do it.
- Hey, uh, Rach? - Namaste, Rachel.
Hey, Rachel.
they're gonna get you back to your happy place.
"Hello, gorgeous.
Fanny Brice was my most cherished role.
But I can't stay in style forever.
Now it's your turn.
Barbara.
" You of all people should know that Barbra dropped the "A" when she was 18 years old as an act of rebellion.
Who wrote this? Tina? Or not.
Okay.
I've never seen her like this.
I know.
She's usually pushing people away to get onstage.
It's not fair that anyone can send a hateful tweet to anyone and have access to artists.
You know, I don't think that it's the criticism that got to her.
- I think it's, like, the volume of it.
- It's Twitter.
I can't believe my note didn't work.
I know.
It was so good.
Hello, losers.
Well, you live in the worst neighborhood in Brooklyn and there isn't even a lock on your door.
You might wanna look into that.
Unless, of course you think the rapist is gonna just move on to the next apartment filled with nubile 19-year-olds simply because your door is so damn annoying to open.
What are you doing here? Oh, Asian Number One, that's totally something you would say.
I have come to watch Rachel Berry choke on her opening night.
I heard that! I'm right in here! Sue, please.
Rachel is freaking out.
- Well, she should be.
She's going to choke.
- I can hear you in here! Oh, and to answer your question, Cheech & Chang, I'm staying here overnight because I realized when we arrived at the hotel that Will Schuester is a big old perv and has been trying to sleep with me this whole time.
I thought I asked them to change it to two twin beds.
- Adultery.
- No.
That's what this is called.
You are not staying here.
I can't have you anywhere near Rachel.
No, that's fine.
I'll stay in your room.
Oh, thank God there's no weird sex toys laying around.
Things could not possibly get any worse.
Look, what I'm trying to say is whenever I'm nervous about choking in front of hundreds of people I eat a spoonful of mustard to make myself puke and I get that part over with.
All right, where is she? Kurt called me in the cab, told me what was up.
She's been in there for hours.
We don't know how she's peeing.
Okay, give me four minutes.
I will return with Grey Poupon.
What? You're the best they could do? Hells, yes.
Because I am the closer.
And in two minutes, you are gonna be out of this bed ready to fistfight the Taliban and offering to buy me a diamond necklace.
No pep talks or anything are gonna work right now.
Honestly.
Okay? I've never felt like this before in my entire life.
I never thought in a hundred years that I'd be too afraid to perform.
But it's, like, these people and all this stuff is just, like, in my head.
- And now I don't even know what's real anymore.
- Okay, okay.
- It's, like, I am all of my insecurities.
- Seriously- - Every single one.
- I don't do-I don't do pep talks.
If you want a pep talk, you should call Mr.
Schue or rent The Notebook.
I took the liberty of looking up some reviews on my phone in the cab.
No, no.
Look- Look, seriously, uh, 100 good reviews- Uh, she is "an ancient Hittite princess.
She's a freak.
Her hands are frightening more than amusing and her movements are wildly bizarre.
" Those are awful.
They were also written in 1964 about Barbra Streisand when she played Fanny.
I see what you did there.
You suck at so many things but not at this.
And the thing is is that you don't even have to believe me or yourself.
All you have to do is get on that stage and open your mouth.
You can't do this badly.
You don't actually have it in you.
You and I only have two speeds- awesome or not at all.
Who gives a crap what all the other peasants think? I can't stand you 90% of the time but even I know that if you drag your flat little ass out on that stage tonight you're gonna murder that crowd.
I'm gonna eat it all.
What are you all moping around for? It's my opening night! Ticket.
I got one extra ticket here for sale.
Ticket.
Get your tick- You need a ticket, lady? - Okay.
How about you? You need a ticket, lady? - What in the hell are you doing? William, I am obviously scalping my ticket.
Why should I have to suffer through an endless evening of Rachel Berry desecrating the memory of the late, great Barbra Streisand? You promised you would come to the show.
I have no recollection of that happening.
Ticket! Get your ticket! You ladies have tickets? One ticket for sale! I got one ticket for sale if anybody needs it.
One ticket.
Oh.
Yes, sir.
Come on, right through.
Great.
Fantastic.
How much? What? - Your ticket.
How much? - It's not for sale.
Come in! - I heard it's somebody's opening night on Broadway.
- Oh, my God! Hi! How are you? Oh, my gosh! Look at you! Here you are.
- Thank you.
- Oh, my gosh.
I always knew we would end up here.
That-That you would end up here.
Well, apparently, some dreams do come true.
Apparently.
Yeah, I got him a seat tonight.
I know it's weird.
But he always made me promise I would get him a ticket to my opening night on Broadway.
It's not weird.
It's lovely.
The only thing that scares me is getting through "Who Are You Now?" It's the last song, and I always think about him when I sing it.
And so-If I can get through that - then I'll be fine.
- Well, you know where we're all sitting.
If you need a little boost, just zone in on us.
Rachel, it's okay.
I am so proud of you, Rachel.
Tonight is the best gift that a student could possibly give her teacher.
You're making my dreams come true too.
- Ten minutes, Miss Berry.
- Okay, thank you.
Hey, Em.
Yeah, I'm here with Rachel.
What's up? - Tell her I said hi.
- She says "break a leg.
" - Thanks.
- What? Now? How-How long? Wha-Wha-Okay, wait for me.
I- - Oh, my God.
- No, no, no.
Just try to wait.
Uh- - Is she-Right now? - Her water just broke.
- Go! Oh, my God! - Oh, my God.
I have to get back to Ohio.
- Oh, my God! - I love you.
I love you.
Break a leg.
Hey, that kid is terrific.
Mmm! Is this supposed to be good? Sue, cut it out.
He's the critic from the New York Times.
Do they still publish that? Hey, listen, kid, I know I'd be divine because Hey, what are you, blind? I just can't even- - Excuse me.
I need to go kill myself.
- Shh.
Excuse me, sir.
Could you call me a taxicab? First time in New York? Well, what makes you think that? Well, that is not how you call a cab.
All you have to do is walk out to the curb and put your hand in the air.
Oh, okay.
I see.
I didn't-I didn't know.
Don't feel bad.
You know, that was my first Broadway show.
Yeah.
One of my patrons gave me the tickets.
I didn't think it was gonna make me wanna barf so much.
It's called Funny Girl.
I thought it was gonna be about a funny girl.
- Right? - Yeah.
- It definitely was not funny.
- No.
And for a second there, I wasn't even sure she was a girl.
You said "patron.
" Are you a sex worker? No.
I am a restaurateur.
I own a few places around the city.
Yeah.
I'm kind of a big deal.
- Wow.
- You wanna grab a bite? Yeah.
- Hey! You're doing great up there.
- Hi.
- You're giving it the full Fanny.
- Hey, how you feeling? I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I mean, good, good.
But do you guys think that Sue getting up in the middle had any sort of effect on the critics or the audience or anything like that? - No.
- No, probably not.
No, right? Bravo.
- You were terrific in the first act.
Terrific.
- Oh, good, good, good.
- I made some little changes, but- - No, no.
It was wonderful.
- I promise you, it was wonderful.
- Okay.
I'm a little concerned about that guy in the tracksuit leaving right at the beginning.
I mean, he stepped over the critic of the Times.
- The guy was spooked.
- Oh, my God.
No, no, no, no.
Not to worry.
Not to worry.
The important thing now is what you do in act two.
Critics remember beginnings and endings.
So now you have to dig deep.
I know you can do it.
All you have to do is share it with everybody.
I can do it.
Sorry to tell you, you're gonna have to.
With all the work that we've done, all the money that's been put in it's all for that one critic from the Times.
If he doesn't like it- we're kaput.
If the review is bad, then opening night is closing night.
And that is showbiz.
Seriously, if I wanted to see a show about an ugly duckling who gets dumped - I'd just watch an episode of Girls.
- I hear you.
So welcome to Mario's, Sue Sylvester, the gem of Little Italy.
The neighborhood's changed from when I was growing up.
Now it's pretty much one street surrounded by Chinatown.
But, still, it's pretty special.
I do like the idea of naming a restaurant after one's self.
Hey, Salvatore.
This is Sue Sylvester.
I'm gonna go whip up something for her.
Buonasera, signorina Sylvester.
This is America.
We speak English here.
So, what can I make for you? How about some gnocchi alla napoletana? Or, uh, linguine al pesto? I'm not sure.
And, to tell you the truth, no one's ever cooked for me before.
What? You got to be kidding.
No.
It's true.
My parents were famous Nazi hunters so they weren't around a lot.
Also, I've been threatened with poisonings several times so I don't even order takeout without my food taster, and Becky's back in Ohio.
Sue.
I've got to ask.
Married? Divorced, actually.
Um, I was briefly married to myself, uh, but it didn't work out.
We both realized in the end that we had grown apart.
Huh.
You? No.
I'm, uh, married to my city.
This town is my mistress.
She's my type of gal- cruel, delicious and a hundred stories tall.
- And there you go.
- Oh.
- Buon appetito.
- Mmm.
Oh! I have to say, when I decided to come to New York I did not think this was going to happen.
Oh! Oh.
I knew that Funny Girl would be a disaster.
I've seen Rachel Berry butcher literally dozens of show tunes with many an ugly cry but I did not predict that I would meet somebody like you.
Me neither.
Although there aren't a lot of women like you.
You know, that show would've been a lot better if you'd been up there on that stage.
Yay! - Oh, my God.
- I'm gonna have a big glass.
- Oh, my God, Rachel.
You were so great.
- Thank you.
I bawled during "Who Are You Now?" - I had to blow my nose on Sam's sleeve.
- And this is suede.
I'm sorry.
You guys, I love you so much.
And seriously, I couldn't have done this without all of you.
- And you got flowers from Quinn - I know.
And Artie and Mike Chang and Puck and Principal Figgins.
Clearly you're loved by many.
Whoa! Whoo! Tonight, you are a star.
Oh, my God.
Thank you so much.
You know what? Let's save all the praises until after the New York Times review comes out.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You're right.
You're right.
We have six hours of innocence left.
- Whew.
- And then when the reviews hit the stand we'll find out if we're the best thing since sliced bread or toast.
- But we are going to celebrate tonight.
- Okay.
We are going to have an opening night party Elio's restaurant, Italian restaurant.
Eggplant parmigiana always, always brings me good luck.
- Yeah! - Rachel.
Rachel, your friends, huh? - Yeah.
- Bring everybody! Bye.
- Whoa.
Eggplant parmigiana? - Thank you.
I can't believe it.
A real Broadway cast party.
I don't really feel like going to the party.
I think that they're just gonna only be talking about the play and-I don't know- I'd rather just celebrate with you guys.
I know just the place down in Greenwich Village.
Trust me, Rachel.
They're gonna love you there.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Rachel Berry? Here? We've been tracking Funny Girl for weeks.
How was tonight? - She was incredible.
- Oh, well, then this is historic.
You have to sing something.
It's Broadway tradition.
- Oh, no.
I'm-I'm not sure.
- Whatever the review says tomorrow let's just love and celebrate you tonight, right now.
Well, in that case I'm here for the night! Hit it! Who wants to rub my feet? I haven't danced that hard since nationals two years ago.
I got the deejay's number.
Oh.
Tina, I told you, he's totally gay.
Come on.
- Gay? - What are you, blind? I'm gonna make some coffee, you guys.
The reviews come out in 30 minutes and I want us all to go down to the newsstand together.
Uh, I'll take mine black, thanks.
Who are all you people? Oh, my God.
You are the guy-the guy that walked out of my show last night.
- What are you doing in my apartment? - In my robe.
Well, aren't you all so very, very rude.
Oh, my God.
Sue had sex in your bed.
Actually, we did it all over your apartment.
And if I were you, I'd put something down on that couch before I sat on it.
Oh, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
So, how'd the rest of the show go, huh? I considered coming back for act two just so I could walk out again.
Okay, you know what? I am not- It's okay.
I got this.
You know what, Sue? You made my life in high school - a living hell.
- Well, thank you.
And it's like you had a mission to keep us underwater never coming up, even for a breath of air.
And you said that it was to push us.
But I really don't think that's what you wanted because if we actually felt how wonderful and amazing and loved we really were then we would know what you knew all along which is that you are a rotten and awful person who only finds joy in people's misery.
Well, let me tell you something.
Something amazing happened tonight.
A group of friends rallied together and made a dream come true.
And never, ever, in your empty, sad life will you feel the kind of love that I felt tonight.
And I would feel so sad for you, but I don't because I just want you to get the hell out of my apartment because I wanna be with my friends.
Wow.
Well, Mario, I'm sorry you had to see that.
Let's go.
I suddenly don't feel very welcome here anymore.
Well, it was, uh, super meeting all of you.
Hey, where'd you get this robe? - Just keep it.
- Thanks, bro.
- Rachel.
- Bravo.
Rachel! Rachel! Rachel! Rachel! Poetry.
Couldn't have said it better myself.
Sir, do you have the New York Times? - It's the paper of record.
- How old are you? They're gonna e-mail you the New York Times in three minutes.
- What the heck? - Just give us the paper.
Oh, my God.
- Open it.
- Come on.
Open it! Open-I'm cold! Can you open it? Oh, my God.
- Rachel-Come on, let's read it.
- No, I can't.
I can't do it.
- Kurt, you're gonna have to read it.
- No way! I'm too nervous.
You know what? Give me this.
I don't mind being the bearer of bad news.
All right.
Okay.
"One might ask themselves, Why? Why revive Funny Girl an iconic show with an iconic star? Why, when there are so many wonderful new playwrights would Sidney Greene decide to dust off this tired old girl of a play? Well, frankly, I can only come up with a single answer - and it's Rachel Berry.
" - Oh, my God.
"It takes chutzpa to be willing to step into the Great One's knee-high lace-ups and make Fanny your own, and Rachel has plenty of that, clearly.
But she also has something else in spades-talent.
" - Talent! - "And mountains of it.
I'm not talking about the Appalachians.
Berry is the Alps.
" "I'm sure I could find fault in this green actress's performance but shame on anyone who would have the audacity to criticize the bold mistakes of a supernova exploding before our eyes.
" "I just pray to God that no one saw me secretly wiping my tears during her showstopping 'Who Are You Now? ' I don't know where inside that small frame Berry went to find the emotion she delivered with that song but she melted the icy heart of this reviewer.
" Oh, my God.
Let me see.
- Okay.
- All right.
"I hope this show runs for a long time not because anyone needs to see 'Don't Rain on My Parade' again or the producers found a way to get a real tugboat onstage but because I want to have some time to enjoy Rachel Berry as she is now.
I know I'll be going back for a second heaping bowl of Rachel Berry.
" - Whoo! - Yes! My phone is ringing.
Who's call- Oh, it's Mr.
Schue! Oh, wait.
Mr.
Schue, I'm putting you on speaker.
I made it back just in time for the last few pushes.
Emma's doing fine, and so is the baby.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- Yay! Shut up and just tell us what we need to know.
Boy or girl? It's a boy.
It's a boy.
Yeah, we're naming him Daniel.
- Daniel Finn Schuester.
- Aw.
Hey-Hey, how was-how was the show? It was amazing.
How do you feel? Oh, for the first time in my life, I feel completely happy.
How about you? Same.
I feel the exact same.
- Listen, I got to run.
- Okay, well, we love you.
- Bye! - Love you, Mr.
Schue! So what now? Well, it's morning.
I have an early flight to catch.
Hey, I, uh- I don't suppose I could convince you to stay in New York a little longer.
Um- No.
I have a school to run and a daughter that needs me whose father is Michael Bolton.
Wait.
What? Last night was truly magical.
I- Oh! Turns out I love New York and you are the reason why.
But, Mario, I'm a Lima gal at heart.
I, uh-I love living in a place where "Hang On Sloopy" is the official state song where the Y-Bridge in Zanesville spans the confluence of the Muskingum and Licking Rivers making it the only bridge in the world that you can cross and still be on the same side of the river.
I love living in a place that is home to the world's largest basket Iocated in Basket Village, U.
S.
A.
I guess what I'm saying, Mario is, um, Sue Sylvester's a big fish who really kind of likes swimming in a little pond.
I don't suppose I could convince you to, uh, pull up stakes and- Uh, you know, I'm a New Yorker, Sue.
So, uh, I guess that's it, huh? I guess so.
It sure was nice getting to know you, Sue Sylvester.
So long, Sue.
Ah.
Where to, lady? Huh? - I take.
- Ah, ah, ah.
I- You're cra-You're crazy! - Drive the car.
- You're crazy, lady.
- I got it.
I got it.
- All right.
Thanks for making me feel like a girl.
She wasn't right- the short girl from the play.
You are lovable, Sue.
Let's get out of here.
Recently, I've gotten in a lot of hot water for some comments I made on this broadcast.
Last week, I called New York City an overpriced, rat-infested hellhole that smells like an adult diaper.
Well, let me be clear.
I stand by my comments.
Every word I said-absolutely true.
Except for one thing.
I don't hate New York.
I love New York.
There's nowhere on earth quite like it.
There's no place so alive with endless worlds of possibility.
Every time you step outside you find yourself on an adventure you never could have predicted.
Sure, you might get hit by a bus or stop for pierogies and end up being human trafficked by the Russian mob.
But if you're anything like this champion cheerleading coach you just might also find love.
Or, at the very least a night of sturdy, spirited lovemaking with a relative stranger in every corner of the apartment of several of your former students.
And that's how Sue sees it.