Glee s05e18 Episode Script

The Back-Up Plan

Rachel! Rachel! Three weeks since opening, and I'm the toast of the town.
Signatures at the stage door, across-the-board raves and I don't wanna jinx it, but there's even rumors of a Tony nomination.
Look! That homeless guy is sleeping on my face! New York really is where dreams come true.
And now, he'll wake up to find one of his dreams came true too.
And this is just the beginning.
That's what my team told me when I signed with a top-five talent agency, ICA.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, there must be a mistake.
This is Fanny Brice.
I'm supposed to be meeting Rachel Berry.
Hi, Mr.
Rachel we at Innovative Creative Artists are so excited To go to work for you.
We wanna be in the Rachel Berry business.
And I'm not just talking about me, I'm talking about your whole team.
You got Mark and Matt and Sheila and Joe.
Although, they're not to be trusted, okay? I just-I'm your point person.
- Oh.
- Just want you to deal with me, okay? - Okay.
- Okay, okay, great.
So, let's talk about your future.
- Yeah.
- What does Rachel Berry want? Because she can have it.
Well, um, I guess I wanna have a good run with the show I-I don't know, maybe parlay this into a-a movie career or get onto a big hit TV show? Uh-huh.
Great, great, great.
Rachel? Those are not for you.
What? Have you ever heard the term "a face for radio"? Rachel, you're a rare breed.
I mean, you got talent coming out of your ears.
But you gotta remember something.
This is TV, okay? TV, the cameras- They're this close, okay? - They see everything.
- Yeah.
And movies? The same thing.
It's this close! Except this time, your face is on a gigantic screen.
So that, for example, and this is just a for instance your nose is gonna be 40 feet tall.
You gotta ask yourself, is this gonna work? And I think the answer is no, it won't.
Here's what I see for you.
If we play our cards right, you could make a killing.
You could be doing Fanny Brice for five, 10, I don't know, 15 years! Look at Topol.
I mean, he's been doing Tevye for what, I don't know, forever? Okay? And we're all in agreement on this-Matt and Mike and Sheila and Joe.
Rachel, for you, the sky is the limit.
But I don't want you talking to them, okay? I just want you to deal with me, all right? Did you hear? The whole campus is abuzz.
It's a drama school.
The students get abuzz when the snack machine runs out of gummy worms.
No, June Dolloway is coming! They're renaming the dance studio after her.
And a select group of students have been asked to perform at the ribbon-cutting.
I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with all of the old Broadway stars we're supposed to worship.
- Who is that? - June Dolloway! She's not an actress.
She's, like, the coolest socialite in the world.
She's the widow of Lester Dolloway, the mineral baron.
Her picture's been taken by Helmut Newton.
And she took peyote with Joe Kennedy, allegedly.
- Impressive.
- Yeah.
And she's pretty much the patron behind every artistic endeavor in Manhattan.
We gotta make sure you're picked as one of the performers.
- I already was! - Oh, my God, Kurt, that's amazing.
I'm so happy for you.
I really wanna do "Story of My Life" from One Direction.
That's a good song, but that's sung by five different people.
How are you going to sing all those layers as just one person? You'll be singing with me.
- Come on, we're a team.
We're getting married! - What? If something exciting happens to one of us, it happens to the other one too.
Oh, I love you.
Thank you.
That'll be fun.
Well, let's go rehearse.
What are you doing home so early? I thought that you'd be in the recording studio all day.
Yeah, well, my producer just listened to the final cut of my album and, in his words, "didn't hear a single.
" Now he's worried that the label won't give it a release date.
Wait, what? And you're just gonna listen to these morons? If I don't get backed by the label, that means I won't get any promotion which means I don't get any airplay.
Which means I'm just another no-hit wonder.
Well, you would still be doing a hell of a lot better than me.
I would kill to be you right now thinking about creating the perfect single to save my record deal.
You know, maybe you can.
What are you talking about? No, no, Santana, I'm serious.
Remember back in high school- every time we sang together, it was always magic.
So, maybe you can help me find some of that again.
- Great job tonight, Rachel.
- Thank you, Barclay.
- Remember to rest your voice.
We've got two shows tomorrow.
- All right.
Forty-six down, 5,000 more to go.
If we're lucky.
Oh, knock on wood! - Have a great night! - Thank you.
Barclay, could I just have five minutes to myself, please? Oh! I'm so sorry.
Hi, Rachel.
So sorry to bother you.
You were absolutely radiant tonight.
I am such a fan.
Thank you so much.
- Oh, uh, Lee Paulblatt.
- Hello.
Yes, I have been in love with Funny Girl since I was, like, seven.
Are-Are you a friend of Paolo's? No, no.
Well, I mean, yes, we did a pilot with him a few years back.
It was a train wreck.
It's not Paolo's fault, but-Actually it is.
But, no, I actually came here to see you.
I'm, uh, Lee Paulblatt.
I'm from Fox, the television company.
- Oh! Oh, okay.
- Oh, okay.
Yeah, I'm just in New York for the upfronts and this is the show that I wanted to see.
Actually I wanted to see the Rachel Weisz-Daniel Craig Betrayal but that's an impossible ticket to get.
And there was this woman in this show that was eating candy the entire time.
I wanted to punch her in the face.
But I enjoyed it, and you were wonderful.
Rachel, I've got a pilot that I think you would be fantastic for.
It's called Song of Solomon.
I would love for you to come in to test for it.
I think you would be perfect for it.
I mean, I close my eyes, Rachel, and all I see is you in it.
That's how powerful of an image that you created for me tonight up on that stage.
God, I wish I had a singing voice.
I don't.
I'm not allowed to sing.
My mother said that.
Because I have this-I digress.
Does this sound like something that you would be, uh, interested in? Yes! Of course.
Well, we're gonna want you to read with our Solomon but, uh, he is in the middle of shooting a feature.
It's, uh, a terrible feature.
I don't know why he's chosen to do it.
But I am not his agent.
So, we would need to do it next Tuesday in L.
Does that work for you? Um, well, Tuesday I have a show, so- Uh, actually, your understudy has a show on Tuesday.
Ah! Just fly out for Tuesday, we'll do the test, and then you can hop on the next flight back.
Does that work for you? You know what? I'm gonna leave before you can say no.
That's how I work.
Bye! Hey, this is for you.
Oh, my God, that looks so good.
- So we're a hit! - Oh, come on.
You are so amazing up there! Amazing! We're gonna run forever.
Thank you, Sidney, and I wanna make you proud.
It's just, um- I think I'm feeling, you know, the wear and tear of the eight shows a week and, I mean, I wouldn't want to get sick and- - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no.
- Miss a performance- Y-You're not gonna- Put that out of your head.
You're not gonna get sick.
Tell you what.
I wanna call Dr.
Best E.
In New York.
He's gonna give you a B12 drip and also, um, shoot steroids down your throat.
Um, I mean, wouldn't it be easier for maybe to just, you know, take a show off? No, no, no.
I mean, your understudy is beautiful.
She is.
You know, maybe if your, you know, if your head came off or there was, uh, some kind of invasion of aliens in Midtown Manhattan maybe, maybe.
You are the show.
And the show must go on.
I'm not feeling it in here.
We're on the clock, Mercedes.
If you don't get this track down this week, you're gonna lose your release date.
- Here we go again.
- Okay, listen.
Didn't you say that you moved to New York so that you can get more of a New York vibe? Well, this fish tank could be anywhere.
, Lima, Lesbos.
Maybe for your last song you need to get out from behind the glass.
Well, Bruce Springsteen once put a drum set in an elevator to get a purer sound than the studio.
Oh, my God, D'Shon, we need to get that sound in the studio.
Aw, no, no.
We're going to record your last song down here in this dungeon.
I mean, it's ballsy, but it's got that unique thing we were talking about.
Mercedes Jones, you got yourself an album.
Kurt, this TV show is a huge opportunity.
All you've been talking about for years is getting on Broadway.
And now you have.
You've made it.
You're that one-in-a-million girl who actually did it.
Look, every single person that works on Broadway wants to make it in TV or film.
And if you think about it, some of Hollywood's greats were plucked from the stage.
Hugh Jackman, Diane Keaton, Meryl Streep.
Meryl! And how many of them quit their shows less than a month after opening night? I'm not quitting.
No-I am not quitting, okay? This is, like, just an audition.
I'm actually doing something really nice for my understudy.
I'm just gonna, like, take a sick day.
You mean, lie? If someone came to you at NYADA right now and asked you to audition for this TV show, tell me you would say no.
Go for it.
Thank you.
But, just don't lie to Sidney Greene.
You'll just be asking for more trouble.
Yes, hello, this is Rachel Berry.
Uh, "Berry" with a "B.
" Yes, hi, uh, I would just like to, uh, confirm my audition, please.
Good evening.
Tonight, please welcome to our newly christened Dolloway Dance Lab our guest of honor, Mrs.
June Dolloway.
Oh, she's stunning.
Modern American royalty.
Look at her.
Two of our finest have been selected to perform for you.
Kurt Hummel and Blaine Anderson.
Oh, you're wonderful.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I love your youthful energy.
Wow, thank you.
You know, I have a very discerning and tasteful eye for the extraordinary.
And I love to hone it like a rough diamond until it sparkles.
I have a good feeling about you.
Would you be so kind as to escort me to the SoHo Center for Outsider Art next week? - Um- - And then we can discuss your future over a $25,000 plate of rubber chicken.
Absolutely! I-Oh, my God! Absolutely! I would love to! I-I am your lump of coal.
Not you, dear.
I tried to snake you an extra ticket.
I just didn't have the 25 grand it would cost.
I don't know, maybe I should just stay home with you and watch Scandal.
Would you stop it? I'm a little jealous but I'm not resentful.
All right? I'm genuinely happy for you.
I just feel like being one of June's projects is going to take up a lot of time.
I especially don't want a friend that's gonna keep me away from you.
Well, June isn't exactly a friend.
Yeah, you're probably right.
How do I look? - Like Montgomery Clift.
- What? - Before the accident.
- Oh, thank you.
Try to have fun tonight, all right? And don't worry about me.
Remember, whatever door June opens for you I'll be right there next to you, walking through it with you.
You're taking one for the team.
I love you.
Who are all of these people? This is the one percent of one percent.
Never have so many boring and rich people found themselves grouped together in such a space.
You know, it's funny, Kurt was just telling me that, uh, he thinks someone like you is too fabulous to have friends.
No! I-My friends are why I'm fabulous.
This is Blaine.
- Hi.
- Pleased.
No, friends are everything.
You are the company you keep.
That is why, Blaine, if I'm going to launch your career and make the world know who you are, we have to be friends.
I have to know you, spend time with you, know what you like.
It's the only way I can really serve you, you see? What-What is the take? Holding steady at two million.
Two million? Hasn't anybody told them the recession is over? I can't force them to give, June.
We have to inspire them.
Uh, where-Where are you going? I'm gonna go earn our supper.
Okay, everybody.
Now, settle down.
Now you know that I've been to all of your events.
And I've written some pretty fat checks myself, correct? So tonight is your opportunity to return the favor.
And when I say fat, I mean Fatty Arbuckle fat.
- - I don't mean fat as in your chubby first wife.
And you're gonna get something for the money, believe me.
I have something special.
Blaine, come up, please.
I want to introduce you.
Blaine Anderson.
Blaine-Blaine here is my new discovery.
And as you all know, I'm never wrong.
All right! Oh, he's got some! Nice job! They just want a great song from me, okay? They don't care how I give it to them.
Just trust me.
Did I get the days mixed up? I was expecting you tomorrow.
Well, Santana and I were talking and we were thinking that that song we're looking for is a duet.
And don't just say no, because we sounded great.
On that Lauryn Hill song, yeah.
But I liked the song we had.
We just needed a new take on it, which is what we got.
You, pure, raw, underground.
Yeah, but the take that I want is a duet with me and my girl.
Um, look, Mercedes, I know that she's your friend and you got something.
But this is your calling card.
This is going to be your story.
Introducing another voice- How do we sell that? Think Macklemore and Ryan Lewis.
Mercedes, I think that we should go.
- I'm just trying to protect you.
- But it's my album.
Okay, look, if you're really into doing a duet let me make some phone calls.
Let me call in some favors.
Let me get you with Katy.
Let me get you with Carly.
Let me get you with Alicia.
Let me get you with someone more famous than you that can actually help you.
And Santana can sing backup.
And if everything goes like it's supposed to then we revisit this on your follow-up album.
You know what? I think that he's right.
This is your big chance and it should be all about you, you know? And I really appreciate what you tried to do for me here but I know what I would do if I was in your position.
I'm just not worth it.
Santana! Sidney, ugh I know I said I would never miss a show, but- I just saw my doctor and he said that I have the flu.
- The flu? - I was starting to feel run-down.
Oh, my God.
Why does this always, always happen to me? I'm sorry.
Do you think my understudy, Wendy, can do it? Well, if I have to, I have to.
But, uh, nobody can replace you, Rugelach.
You're my- You're my star.
You're my show.
I-I am gargling with a magical mouthwash and-and I'm gonna dry up my sinuses with a humidifier and I will do my absolute best to be better in 24 hours.
Ah! Ladies and gentlemen, this is Rachel Berry - who is taking Broadway by storm.
- Hello.
Uh, this is Andrew Cosgrove.
He is our Captain Solomon.
- Hi, I'm Rachel Berry.
- Rachel, you ready? - You bet! - Ah! Hello.
I am Rachel Berry and I will be singing the seminal Bette Midler classic, "The Rose.
" - Excuse me? - Yes.
- That was beautiful.
- Thank you.
Uh, but we- we really don't need you to sing.
- Oh? - Yeah, this show is not a musical.
Did you not read the script? I'm-I'm sorry, I-I didn't get a script.
I just saw the title, The Song of Solomon.
Uh, Rachel, that's my bad.
I'm going to fire my assistant.
Song of Solomon is a sci-fi space opera.
- Oh, okay.
- Andrew here plays Captain Dax Anderss, uh who pilots his ship The Solomon across the Andromeda Galaxy with, uh, Galadriel, the Starmorian, that's you- - Okay.
- Searching for the Drax Flute which he needs to use to play a song implanted in his head by his father that he believes will open a wormhole back to his home planet.
- Okay! Yeah.
- Okay.
It's sort of like Guardians of the Galaxy meets Game of Thrones.
- Okay.
- With a strong Grey's Anatomy element.
Yeah, that's what we most like.
We're really excited about that.
Love that show.
Andrew, let's take it from, uh- Let's just try the first scene.
In the engine room.
Okay? Great.
You gonna just stand there or you gonna pass me the warp-core? Would you care to explain what went on back there? Oh, don't play coy, Galadriel.
You Starmorians may like to beat around the bush but I always prefer a straight shooter.
Then let me be perfectly clear.
I am not just some space trash you picked up in the Triangulum Sector.
I am a princess of the royal house of- I'm sorry, Antrya- Antyrexx.
But make it your own.
Stay in it.
- Just gonna pass by it.
Just talk about it later.
- Okay.
I am not the last- Oh, sorry.
I'm sorry.
I-I am the last Starmorian and I will not risk my life and the future of my people because of some dream locked in your head and a flute- And a flute that will never avenge the destruction of my planet.
Lately I've only dreamt of one thing.
And that's doing this.
Okay, uh, next scene? No, uh, thank you so much, Rachel.
So, so great.
I think, uh, yeah.
I think we've seen all we need to see.
Thank you.
Oh, my God.
I cannot believe it.
That was seriously the worst audition ever.
What? - Rachel.
- Hi, Sidney.
Look, before you say anything, I just-I felt really bad after our last conversation and, you know, I wanna reiterate to you my commitment to Broadway and to this show and-and I wanted to tell you what an honor it is working for you and being in Funny Girl and, you know, I was thinking about playing Fanny night after night after night and I honestly, I just- It made me feel so much better.
Ah, I'm so relieved.
I'm so relieved to hear that, Rachel.
Listen, um, your understudy today during rehearsal fell off the lip of the stage.
- You fell off the lip of the stage.
- Oh, no.
Now, look, hydrate yourself, okay? And then come to the theater, 7:30.
Taxi! Taxi! Take me to the airport.
So I said to Prince Feisal "What do you think this is, a quarter horse convention?" I want to be you when I grow up.
Why? What do you find so attractive? Tell me.
Is it the fame? Is it the power? Is it the money? What is it? No, it's-It's the life.
I mean, how did you manage to find yourself in the center of all of it? You attract in what you put out.
So if you put out charisma to every person you meet the universe will see to it that it comes back to you.
Because like attracts like.
That's why I'm so in like with you.
Oh, my God.
I just- I can't believe that you see me that way.
Okay, so we're going to do a show, showcase your talent.
It'll be the biggest event the whole year.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
That-That's huge.
I just want to shine a light on what the world should see.
Well, I-I would just have one request.
I would love it if we could have Kurt in the show too.
We really want to do everything together and I think that the world really needs to see his talent too.
No, I don't think the world needs to see that.
Well, then I-I don't think I could do it.
Blaine, I've been in and out of love more times than you've had breakfast.
I know you're not asking me this, but I am telling you.
You should break off that engagement.
I love Kurt.
Well, of course you do.
I loved Richard Burton and Howard Hughes.
So what? That's what we humans do.
We fall in and out of love.
We break each other's hearts.
The first time, you always think it's the most important, but that isn't true.
It's the test.
So you have to make a decision.
Are you going to settle or are you going to venture out into the unknown like a samurai and realize your full, full potential? Excuse me, sir, why is there a traffic jam? Because there's always a traffic jam.
Interesting story.
In the 1950s, all the hotshot automakers allegedly banded together and got rid of the trolley cars.
- And that's what inspired Who Framed Roger Rabbit? - I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
I have to make a flight at the airport.
I'm in a Broadway show.
I have to get there.
Eh, not gonna happen.
Hey, I'm an actor too.
- I played a john on The Client List.
- This seat belt is stuck.
Hey, girl.
How's it going? Oh, my God, Kurt, I am dead.
I am so dead right now.
Okay, Sidney is expecting me at the theater, and my understudy cannot get on and-and I'm not gonna make it until after the curtain goes up.
This is a disaster! You have to call Sidney right now and tell him the truth! What? No! And-And ruin my TV and my Broadway career all at once? Kurt, you have to help me.
What is that? It's a contract, and you need to sign it so that we can get to work on our duet.
Okay, you know what? You are literally insane.
You need to take this contract, rip it up apologize to D'Shon and do that song by yourself.
Listen, I want my album to be the best and, Santana, you make me better.
Rachel, she's great, but we both know who the top bitches of that glee club were.
Point taken.
And I want to help you.
But, see, um, I think that I've proven that I'm not the world's best friend.
You might be a work in progress, but I think you're worth the wait.
You know, this is the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for me.
I know.
I'm awesome, huh? Do either of you look at your phone? Rachel is stuck in L.
, okay? We have to delay tonight's performance until she gets back.
Okay, I'm thinking maybe, like, a bomb threat, or maybe, like, a bedbug scare or-or maybe I run out in the lobby, and I'm, like "Hey, Barbra's in the park, and she's doing a concert for free!" Stop.
Just stop.
All of your ideas are horrible.
Well, do you have a better one? Because if Rachel doesn't get back in time, she could get fired.
No one is gonna get fired.
And, yes, I actually do have a better idea.
Whoo! What a night, right? Hold that.
Um, I didn't want to alarm you, but I didn't know who else to call.
- How is this possible? - Um, she's right in there.
What the hell are you doing here? I'm going on as Fanny.
I thought you quit.
I guess I could quit again if you want to spend the next couple of hours handing out refunds.
- Where's Rachel? - She's not here.
But I am.
And trust me, Sidney, I've got this.
So I figured I'd kill two birds with one stone by thanking you for keeping me from getting fired and humiliated by making sure the show wasn't canceled.
I cannot believe they didn't can you anyway.
Yeah, well, they still might.
I e-mailed Rupert and Sidney and explained the whole situation to them and all I got back was an e-mail saying that I had to come in for a mandatory meeting tomorrow.
You're so screwed.
Well, I mean, I don't know.
At least I'm not going to be sued for all the tickets they would have had to refund if the show had been canceled.
Don't sweat it.
I had a blast actually.
I mean, that Broadway stuff is fun if you only have to do it once.
So, what's the, uh, second bird? Well, I mean, I wanted to see what you wanted in return.
Is that the kind of friend that you think that I am? Yeah.
Look, I get it.
I get how I could come off that way but let's just use this as an example of the kind of friend that I'm trying to be now.
Well, why the sudden thawing of your icy heart? Well, because I realized that the world is even colder than I am.
You know? And the only thing that you can do to keep from freezing to death is have good friends around you to keep you warm.
So, I decided that I want to use my bitch powers to protect the people that I care about.
And I guess that means that I care about you.
Don't tell anyone.
- I won't.
- Okay.
I made it in time for the second act and you were really good.
I just can't believe I screwed it all up.
I mean, I had everything, and all my dreams had come true, and I threw it away.
And for what? Nothing.
Listen, I don't know what Sidney is gonna do to you tomorrow.
Maybe he'll fire you.
I know I would.
But I also know that you are the type of person that can't be held down.
You're this huge talent.
It's like Russell Crowe and Johnny Carson.
No matter how awful you are, people are always gonna want to work with you.
That was kind of nice, I think, but- You're a really good friend, Santana.
Oh, I'm gonna take this all for myself.
Finally, I get some alone time with you on the couch.
I feel like I haven't seen you in days.
Well, you keep telling me never to say no to June.
You never know who she might introduce you to who could help us in our careers.
I mean, literally, all her friends are rich and famous.
By the way, I'm upset with you.
Why? Because you haven't filled me in on any of the gossip.
You spend six hours a day with her, and I have yet to receive one text being, like "Hey, I'm talking poverty with Bono.
" Or-Or tales of lunch at Balthazar with Karl Lagerfeld or Condi Rice.
It's not like that at all.
It's-It's just me and June.
Wait, is she being inappropriate? Because I draw a line.
What? No.
Not at all.
Then what is it? Um, well we're, um, planning a-a show.
It's just, like, a one-night-only showcase.
Oh, my God, that's amazing! Why didn't you tell me? I just wanted to make sure that your part was more fleshed out.
I get to be in it? But I-I thought she hated me.
Well, she doesn't hate you.
You're such a sweetheart! Oh, my-Okay, okay.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to ruin the surprise.
Oh, okay, I'm not gonna ask you anything else but I am- I am dying to know what I'll be doing.
- Oh, I love you so much.
- Oh! Rachel, have a seat.
Greene, I just-I really wanted to apologize for how everything turned out.
Oh, please.
That's okay.
As you young people say "I totally understand.
" - Really? - Yeah.
I mean, you wanted out of a performance and I told you no in no uncertain terms.
Greene, I- Let me finish.
You lied to me.
Now, I'm disappointed.
I personally feel betrayed.
But I'm not going to fire you.
- Oh, really? - No.
I wanted to fire you.
I spent all day trying to fire you.
I spoke to Rupert, the other investors and they all agreed that you're an ambitious, irresponsible child.
But what could we do? You're our star.
We need you.
Well, um, Mr.
Greene, I- I know I made a mistake but I had an opportunity come my way, and I just, I thought- Oh, yeah.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
You thought.
I've seen this all the time, and let me tell you something, Miss Berry.
You aren't some Broadway legend.
If you ever pull something like this again I will not only fire you I will sue you back to the Stone Age for breach of contract.
And you'll never be able to work on Broadway again.
Your reputation will not exist.
Get the hell out of my office.
- Hello? - Hi, Rachel.
Lee Paulblatt.
Yeah, I've got some bad news.
As you're aware, that, uh, was not a great audition.
There were some girls who just came in and knocked it out of the park, so the bottom line is that, unfortunately, you did not get the part.
I know, Mr.
Paulblatt, and thank you for the opportunity.
But I've also got some good news.
Rachel, I mean, clearly, Song of Solomon was not the right project for you.
But when I said that you were a once-in-a-generation talent, I meant it which is why I want to give you a development deal.
Are you serious? I don't- I don't even know what that means.
We want to create a TV show around you, Rachel.
We don't know what it is, but, uh, you know, we'll figure that out.
Are you serious? Yes, Rachel, I am serious.
I've got a writer in mind I want to pair you with.
You don't even have to leave New York.
We're sending her to you.
Paulblatt, I- I-I don't even know what to say.
Just say thank you.
Congrats, Rachel.
Celebrate with your friends.
We'll be in touch.

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