Glee s05e19 Episode Script

Old Dog, New Tricks

Here's what you missed on Glee.
Rachel's a hit in Funny Girl on Broadway but she's on thin ice 'cause she lied and missed a performance.
- - Mercedes is finishing her album with a duet with Santana.
Blaine's getting wooed by a rich society dame who's dying to showcase his talent.
I'm a little jealous, but I'm not resentful.
All Kurt's got is NYADA and the diner and his precious collection of neckerchiefs.
And that's what you missed on Glee.
Do any of you guys want to catch a matinee tomorrow? I have a late shift at the diner and I know Funny Girl's dark.
Dark as in there are no performances, or dark as in it's kind of a downer? Oh, my word.
I would love to go, but June's got me taken up with dinners, rehearsals.
Count me out.
I'm gonna be in the recording studio all day.
This is terrible.
Look what I just found on BroadwayBuzzer.
I'll take that.
Blind item.
- "Liar, liar, Fanny on fire.
" - Shh! "What Broadway starlet has been calling in sick while secretly pursuing other opportunities? Unnamed sources say producers are none too happy with the burgeoning diva's shenanigans and wager that this starlet will burn out faster than you can say - 'Milwaukee dinner theater in the round.
"' - I missed one show.
Rachel, you should be glad that they don't know you're seriously considering leaving your show to do a TV pilot.
This is terrible, okay? I cannot be branded a problem child this early in my career.
I might be ambitious, but I'm not a bad person.
You can't expect total strangers to know exactly who you are.
I mean, look at Angelina Jolie.
She used to be that girl with a vial of blood around her neck who liked kissing her brother.
Now she's Mother Earth.
- How'd she do it? - Two things.
Publicist and a cause.
- She can't afford a publicist.
- I've always been my cause.
- Inside voice, honey.
- Sorry.
You don't need a publicist when you've got Snixxx on your side.
If there's one thing I know about, it's cultivating an image.
In high school, I was a huge bitch, but also most popular.
I was voted "best shoulder to cry on" and "most likely to poison someone.
" Excuse me.
Excuse me, miss.
I know that you have a dog in your purse.
It's a service animal.
I would seriously think that zipping a seeing-eye dog in your bag would hinder it from doing its job.
There are so many dogs out there that need good homes.
And you're just treating it like some fashion accessory? - You should be ashamed of yourself.
- Screw you, PETA.
Oh, God.
People are just unbelievable.
I think I just found my cause.
Can I get you a menu? I was wondering if your boss would mind putting up a poster.
Tell him if he decides not to I'm going to accuse him of elder abuse.
Uh, "The Lexington Home for Retired Performers presents Peter Pan.
" Yeah.
We thought we'd take a shot at it.
In case NBC casts Clay Aiken, and it's ruined for good.
You know, I won't even ask him.
I'll put it up in the window.
Hey, Pillsbury, why the long face? You look like the saddest doughboy in the world.
Oh, I wouldn't want to bother you with any of my problems.
I usually just file it all away.
And then wait for an episode of Long Island Medium to let it all out.
Are you sure? It's like everyone in my life has moved on to something except for me.
When did I become the mother in a Nancy Meyers movie? All they need me for is to remind them how talented and beautiful they are.
- It's like they don't care.
- I care.
I can't tell you how nice it is to talk to someone without them texting in the middle of the conversation.
Oh, I know exactly how you feel.
Most of my friends can't hear.
I'm Kurt, by the way.
Maggie Banks.
Wait a second.
Did I just have a therapy session with the Maggie Banks? The Broadway legend? You were in one of the biggest Broadway flops in history! Well, in my defense, Helen Keller, the Musical was the talk of the town.
- - She can't hear or see, but she has a voice of gold.
Now that was a tagline.
Looks like my ride is here.
How did you boys find me so fast? You dropped a couple posters, Maggie.
We're just following the trail.
Eighteen blocks.
It's a new record.
Well, someone has to advertise.
- It was nice to talk to you, Pillsbury.
- Oh.
You too.
And if you don't have any plans, and it would seem that you don't come and visit us in rehearsal.
- Oh, I would love to, Maggie.
- Good.
See ya.
Okay, guys.
Can I drive today? So they really just stay in these cages all day? Oh, no.
We give 'em five walks a day.
We take 'em to a dog run for two hours of exercise every other day.
We really do our best, given the limited funding that we have.
You gotta remember.
These are rescue dogs.
Most of these dogs have been living on the streets or they were abandoned, abused.
So, you know, what happens to them eventually? Well, it depends on how old they are, really.
We try to get as many of them adopted as we can but when we can't, not much choice.
- It's the worst part of my job.
- Well, that's why we're here, actually.
We want to arrange a very public and great event for a cause that we are so passionate about-animals.
Yeah, you said something about Broadway? Yes, I am starring currently in the acclaimed Broadway revival of Funny Girl.
- I don't know if you've seen it.
- I don't really get into the city much.
I'm not a Broadway guy, but I like Cats.
Okay, well, it doesn't really matter.
We just want to spearhead a benefit guide it towards the Broadway community, a.
I got it.
I got it.
Okay, well, you know, we'll take care of everything.
- Okay.
- Really? That's great.
Yeah, I'm in.
For sure.
I'm in.
I'll get the information together.
Let's do it.
Thank you.
- Oh.
I love you.
- Hi.
We should get one.
Look at you.
Oh, no.
Sam, I love animals.
But I got my hands full taking care of you.
You're more than enough.
All right.
This happens sometimes.
It's no big deal.
When they get like this, I pipe music in through the P.
System but it's all busted now, so- Today's your lucky day.
I just read John Mayer's bio and he said you always have to have your guitar 80% of the time.
I've got it.
I have got the perfect plan for how to get this thing off the ground.
Later today, you are going to take a couple of dogs for a walk around the block where paparazzi will be conveniently waiting.
You're gonna get snapped, give a quote.
Bam, Broadway Bitches is off and running.
And I also snagged you this designer number by a designer that is so fancy, I can't even pronounce his name.
There's hardly any vowels in it.
If you wear it and get photographed in it, you get to keep it for free.
But how do we know that they'll be there? I made a couple calls, and I tweeted from your account.
Oh, my God, Kurt! I have the best news that I've been wanting to tell you about.
Is Liza off her meds, running around Central Park again? I'm starting a dog-rescue charity.
And Santana and Mercedes and I are doing a performance.
It's gonna be great.
Oh, could I perform too? I-I've been itching to do something outside of school.
One Three Hill's been on a hiatus ever since Elliott went to his yoga retreat and Dani's roller derby team became state champions.
I-I-I think we're just gonna keep it us girls.
We don't want the event to be, like- - Amateur open mic night? - No, no, no, Kurt.
This is not personal, okay? This is about Rachel and her image.
And you are so good that you would just be pulling focus from her.
No, I-I get it.
I get that I haven't exactly made a name for myself like the rest of you have but gosh, you'd just think after everything, someone would throw me a bone for once.
Kurt, wait.
All right, boys.
I'll leave the window unlocked.
That strange boy may come looking for his shadow.
Oh, Pillsbury! You made it! - I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
- Sit down.
Take in the magic! N-36.
Debbie, it's your-It's your cue! Debbie! Rule number one! Hearing aids on during rehearsal! Uh-oh.
Peter's dead, folks.
Of all times she chooses to die less than a week away from opening night.
Oh, she was always so selfish.
We have to cancel.
Debbie was the only one with hips strong enough for the harness.
- B-12.
- Take a walk down the halls here.
Room after room of beds filled with people who won't get out of them anymore.
Not because they can't, but because they can't find any reason to.
This show-getting out in front of an audience-this was my reason.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Yeah.
- Wh-Wh-Uh-When is opening night? - Uh, Monday at 4:00 p.
Incidentally, that's also closing night.
I-I could fill in, unless there's a rule about residents only being in the show.
First of all, we only have two rules.
One, remember your teeth.
And your teeth.
And don't mix up your night pills with your day pills.
I thought I was a pterodactyl.
Are you sure, Pillsbury? Peter Pan is a very vocally demanding role for a woman.
- Can you handle it? - Oh, yeah.
I-I'm a countertenor, and I practically have the score memorized.
I was obsessed with my tape of Mary Martin's version when I was a kid.
She was my childhood hero.
Which explains a lot now that I think about it.
We have a piano.
Uh, could you audition with any music or anything? You know, we just can't hand you a part.
We have standards.
Right? I-I do.
- I always carry sheet music with me just in case.
- Oh.
That's our Peter! Yay! Aw.
This is an unusually violent game.
Hey, McConaughey.
All right, all right, all right.
We're working on his impressions.
It's like watching Goofy teach tricks to Pluto.
Mercedes is gonna freak when she gets home.
She's gonna fall in love with him, just like I did.
You have to help me sell it to her so she thinks he's really awesome when she gets here.
Don't worry.
I got your back.
Sam? Did you go back and adopt that dog? - Uh, uh, hey.
- I tried to stop him.
Uh, baby, yeah.
Sorry I didn't, uh, talk to you about it first.
When I saw McConaughey in his cage, something inside me just clicked - and I knew that we were meant for each other.
- I blame Sarah McLachlan.
I don't mean to be patronizing but we have a kitchen full of dead Chia Pets that you can't take care of.
This is a living, breathing creature.
- So is Artie, and I take care of him! - Hold up.
Did you just- Look.
I know I can take care of him, okay? I just- Give me a chance.
Look, look, look.
Oh, McConaughey loves you.
Oh, oh, look at the face.
- Doin' the poochie dog.
Pooh! The face.
- Fine.
If it's that important to you, we will try it.
- Okay.
She's gone.
Let's go.
- Dude.
- Did you pay the gas bill? - Yeah.
Uh, no.
Uh, I've- Artie was just into this video game.
Did you take out the recycling? Um, Artie was gonna do that on his way out.
Am I still here? Am I invisible? - Can you- - Hold up.
- Is that my faux-huahua? - Uh- Oh, I did that.
Okay, you better clean this mess up.
Okay, just because McConaughey is cute, it doesn't mean- Oh, no.
Oh, I know that that dog is not eating my hair.
I know that you did not let that dog near my bedroom or my wardrobe or my makeup! - Can one of you guys bring me down the stairs? - - I gotta go.
- Sam! Don't.
Don't you even speak.
Don't you even look like you're about to speak to me.
You just pack up that dog, and you take him back where you got him or so help me, I will go full-on Carcosa on you.
Oh, my God.
Is that Rachel Berry star of Broadway's smash-hit musical Funny Girl? - I love her! - Over there.
Check it out.
- I saw Funny Girl five times! She is just so likable! - Miss Berry, over here! Miss Berry, what on earth are you doing walking all these beautiful dogs? Well, someone has to.
Did you know that New York City shelters are the most overpopulated in the state? What? No, I didn't know that.
That's such a shame.
That's why I'm starting my own dog-rescue charity, Broadway Bitches.
Just stay right there.
At the, uh, Spotlight Diner.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
No! Help.
Oh, my God.
At least you were wearing underwear.
I got dragged four blocks and now I have to pay for this dress, and that man got bit by a shih tzu.
Seriously, is this a good idea? Because I feel like I look worse now.
Yes, this is a good idea, okay? Um, everybody's talking about your activism.
And, in fact, out of the 500 Broadway Bitches Evites that I sent out this morning, over half are confirmed.
And I even have a reporter from NYTheatreNews.
com ready to do a piece on it.
So just stick to the plan and don't go soft on me.
Guys, I got good news.
I landed a role.
"The Lexington Home for Retired Performers presents Peter Pan"? And I'm Peter! They needed an emergency replacement because the woman playing him dropped out.
She dropped out.
You cannot possibly be serious.
I am, actually, and I'm very excited about it.
Opening night is Monday, and I'd love to have you.
No, sorry.
Can't make it.
As much as I would love to watch "Homocchio" and the geriatric puppets put on a depressing sub-community theater show, Rachel's event is that night.
Well, that shouldn't be a problem because the show starts at 4:00.
I'm sorry, Kurt.
Santana has me doing all these photo ops and interviews and my reputation is at stake here.
Seriously, you know, I could lose jobs if I don't clean this up.
I bend over backwards for you every time you need something.
Well, I need you now.
So please support me in this.
I am doing something good for the animals.
No, you're doing it for yourself.
You treat me exactly like the world treats these dogs.
You just cast me aside.
Well, I'm done being a friend only when it's convenient for you.
Mercedes doesn't want me to get rid of the dog, okay? She just wants him to stop tearing everything up.
You seriously think you can train that dog? I had to teach you how to use Velcro.
Okay, yeah, well, Velcro's hard.
It's like black magic.
But, look, I can do this, okay? Doggies crave discipline.
We'll just run him through the doggy gauntlet of doom.
It's a working title.
Don't judge me.
And then once Mercedes gets home tonight he'll be groomed, trained and ready to melt her heart with those big, beautiful puppy dog eyes that he gets from me.
- Let's do it.
- All right, good.
Whoo! Whoo! Boys, I've returned to Neverland.
Peter, we killed a giant bird while you were gone.
Maggie, you're supposed to be on the ground.
If I get down, I'm not getting back up.
Oh, we look ridiculous! What were we thinking when we chose to do Peter Pan? Well, we wanted to show our families that we were still energetic and young.
Right, Freddie? But you guys are still energetic and young.
You know, if you want to seem young, you gotta feel young.
- I don't know about all of that.
- I was thinking of changing up the music.
Maybe updating it a little bit.
I still think that we should do The Importance of Being Earnest.
Ever since you were a question on Jeopardy! You have been such a know-it-all.
Maggie, flowers came for you.
Oh! Oh, they're from my daughter, Clara.
She's a defense attorney.
"Mom, sorry I have to miss opening night.
I have to be in Reno for a deposition.
" Oh.
She is so thoughtful.
She spoils me.
Oh, that's too bad.
I know how important Clara is to her.
She talks about her constantly.
All about their lunches and their late night phone calls and their double dates.
Except none of it's real.
Those flowers aren't from her daughter.
Maggie sends herself flowers once a week to keep up appearances.
Clara hasn't been here in years.
You are shredding my last nerve.
Before you say anything else you should know that Artie and I tamed the beast that is McConaughey.
He's not barking.
He's been off his leash for the last few hours but didn't poop anywhere he wasn't supposed to and he didn't eat any of your weird, strange, Indian hair.
All of that is great, Sam.
But we talked about this, and we both agreed, you can't take care of a dog.
Really? Because it looks like I'm doing a pretty good job of it right now.
For the moment.
But what's gonna happen when you have, like, a 20-hour shoot and you can't walk McConaughey, or-or put out his food? I don't know.
I thought maybe you could help.
Well, I would, and I could.
But what happens when I go on tour? Uh, we could get a dog-sitter.
I don't know.
Who's gonna call the sitter? Who's gonna make sure that they have a key to get in? - Who's gonna pay them? - I am.
And you know what else I've been thinking about? You going on tour, and me being in this brownstone all alone and wanting some company.
You know, last time I checked, New York's a pretty lonely town.
- Is that what this is really about? - Maybe.
Partly, yes.
But if we're being honest I think it's also about when I suggested we take McConaughey home you couldn't even imagine me being able to take care of him, okay? And that's just-That's just crap, okay? - It's like you're looking at me like I'm a boy and not a man.
- Sam- Look, I took care of my whole family when they had nothing, okay? When they were as poor and as homeless as McConaughey.
I made sure they ate.
I made sure they had a roof over their head.
I made sure my brother and sister got to school on time.
Me, Sam, the slacker.
- Oh, Sam- - I know-I know that I forget about appointments sometimes and I leave my clothes around the apartment and I get distracted playing video games.
- But that doesn't mean I'm a joke.
- I never called you a joke.
Mercedes, look, I-I want to marry you eventually, when we're ready.
And I want to have a family with a house and a yard and kids and stuff.
But that's only gonna happen if you start taking me seriously.
And that starts with me proving to you that I can take care of McConaughey.
You-You did, and, uh, I'm giving you your props for that.
- Okay, great! - But I-I still don't think that you should keep him.
Why not? - - Because it's not good for him, Sam.
Like I said, I'm about to go on tour.
And you? Your schedule's crazy.
And it's just gonna get worse.
So, what's the point of having a dog, even one as cute as McConaughey if you can't take care of him, and you can't enjoy him? You heard what they do to the pets that you bring back to those shelters, right? Well, then, you're gonna have to find a home for him.
And I promise you, someday, we're gonna have everything that you want.
Okay? And that includes a dog.
But we're still figuring things out between you and me like who we are together and where we're gonna be.
I just don't think that we should drag McConaughey into that.
Do you? Liz, send in my 10:00.
Um, I'm Kurt Hummel.
Um, I-I didn't actually cause a major chemical spill in National Park.
Uh, your receptionist said that you were really busy and that was the only way that I could make an appointment, so- - Ooh.
Uh- - Liz, call security.
- Well- - They should only need one guy.
I-It's about your mother.
I-I'm friends with her.
Is this some kind of Martha Raye, Mark Harris thing? - 'Cause she doesn't have any money.
- No, no.
We're performing together at the home.
Uh, Peter Pan.
Uh, she's Wendy.
I'm Peter.
Weird, but whatever.
Well, I hate to break it to you but the minute the show's over, she's gonna lose your number.
I don't know what happened between you two but, uh, I can't imagine a sweet old lady like that hurting anyone.
Well, she wasn't always a sweet old lady.
She was young and ambitious and so hungry to get back in the game she tended to forget little things like her daughter at school and birthdays.
And I bet that was very painful but your mother is 86 years old.
I mean, don't you want to forgive before it's too late? Oh, I've forgiven.
Wasn't her fault.
She never should have become a mother in the first place.
Did you know that she sends herself flowers from you and that she talks about you constantly? I know all about the scar on your elbow from the time that you climbed on the counter trying to get the box of Frosted Flakes and your fear of balloons, and that you aced the S.
Did she also tell you that she missed my high school graduation? She had a dream, and she got lost in it.
But she is clearly full of regret.
My mom died when I was eight and I spent my entire life pretending that I had one.
Whatever she did to you, yours is still here.
Don't you see that by coming to see her perform and celebrating the very thing that you blame for taking her away from you that you could heal all of this? Well, your mother couldn't take care of you when you were little but you could take care of her now.
This is better than I could have ever imagined! I mean, a dozen dogs have already been adopted, and we just started! - Hi.
- Okay, um, Beverly Stevens from NYTheatreNews.
com is going to be here later today and I've picked out the perfect pooch for you to pose with.
- He's a three-legged dog! - Oh.
Come here.
Who doesn't love a lady holding a three-legged dog? It's like a ticket to heaven.
Santana, you're really good at this.
Have you ever thought about doing this professionally? Sure have, every time I watch Scandal.
Okay, come on, Sam.
We have to turn McConaughey in to the dog rescue.
- No way, José.
- Guys, I think we have an issue.
Actually, gonna have to take the dog.
- I can't believe this.
- Just-I'm gonna take the dog back.
No, no, no, no, no.
Yeah, 'cause I have to take a photo with that dog later, so- This is the dog my son wants to adopt.
Isn't that the whole point of this event? Um, well, maybe you could just wait a couple of hours? I have to catch a train back to Long Island in 20 minutes.
Okay, I'm so sorry, lady.
But hand over the tripod, and nobody'll get hurt.
- I'm sorry.
- I can't- I get it.
I know who you are.
I read the Broadway blogs.
You can't redeem a lie with more lies.
You may get away with this farce this time, but you're a fraud.
And it's gonna come out soon enough.
You don't care about these dogs.
I doubt you care much about anyone but yourself.
Come on, honey.
Let's go home.
Don't listen to her.
Look at her shoes.
I just don't want the harness to show.
The show's tacky enough.
Well, I am missing dinner with June and Diane von Furstenberg at Annie Leibovitz's house but there's no other place I'd rather be.
Drop all the names you want.
My old ladies are much cooler than yours.
It's really nice to see you so happy.
I never thought that a retirement home can make someone smile so much.
You know, for the first time since I moved here I-I feel like I'm doing something with purpose.
Besides school, of course.
Should I save some seats? - No, no, I'll see you after.
- Okay.
Love you.
Me too.
Oh, uh, don't sit in the first row.
I don't trust the harness.
And Gladys has been having a hard time keeping solid foods down, so- Okay.
Break a leg.
Oh, here you go.
And one for you.
You know, Maggie, I was thinking.
Since your daughter and my friends are always so busy why don't we become each other's family? I mean, you'd be doing me a favor.
I-I could use someone to talk to.
Well, as long as I'd be doing you a favor, I'd love to.
Hello? Hey, it's me.
Um, my show is about to start and I just wanted to wish you good luck at the benefit.
I know things have been really tense between us this week, um but I would never want you to think that I'm not proud or supportive of you.
Um, I'm-I'm very glad you're doing what you're doing because my life would certainly be dull without friends like you to inspire me every day.
That is very sweet of you but I have to go, because, um, my best friend's show is about to start.
Seeing you in the audience makes this the best performance of my life.
A friend of yours told me it was one I couldn't miss.
I'm so glad he did.
I have so many things to say.
So many "I'm sorries.
" And I so want to know about your life.
Oh, my gosh.
You were amazing! I couldn't stop smiling watching you perform with all these sweet old folks.
This is gonna be us in the future.
We're gonna be so cute.
- It is, and we'll be very cute.
- Oh, dude, hold up.
- Well, hello.
- This harness cannot be good for the sack puppies.
Oh, years of skinny jeans have prepared me for this performance.
- Well, you look great.
- The costume and the key.
- - I just wish more people could see Maggie and the gang perform.
I mean, they're the real stars.
Hey, there's a bus outside.
There's a-Freddie, wake up! Wake up! Freddie, there's a bus outside, and it's got a lift.
- Oh, a lift? - A lift.
- Oh, boy.
- Okay.
Why is there a bus outside? Artie was able to get the film school to loan it to us for the day.
This is your opening night gift.
Hey, everybody! I'm Sam, and there's a bus outside.
Old people usually freak me out, but in this case, you guys are pretty cool.
Anyway, Rachel has asked us on behalf of the adoption charity Broadway Bitches to personally invite all of you to be our guest performers at an event we're holding this evening.
Well, what do you say, Maggie? Do you think you have a second act in you? I never used to believe in second acts, but you've proven me wrong.
To the bus, everybody! Hello, everyone.
Thank you so much for coming and supporting Broadway Bitches.
You know, as New Yorkers, we get so wrapped up in our careers and making it that we forget the importance of really creating a legacy that we can be proud of.
Um, and what better way and what's more rewarding than giving back to man's best friend and to all of our friends, really? So please join me in giving a warm welcome to some very special friends who are here today to help us out.
From the Lexington Home of Retired Performers, give it up and enjoy the song! If he's not going home with us, we need to find the perfect home for McConaughey.
If not, Sam, we'll just- We'll figure something out but we're not gonna take him back to the shelter.
Oh, hi! Rachel, this was inspired, to say the least.
New Broadway mixing with old, plus this amazing cause.
Where did you get the inspiration to put on an event like this? Well, it's funny that you ask, because, um, I actually have an amazing publicist.
Well, thank you.
Hi, uh, Santana Lopez, public relations.
My motto is, "If I can make Berry work, I can do anything.
" It was actually my amazing friend, Kurt, who had the genius idea of bringing back all these incredible retired Broadway performers.
Oh, well, we are uploading the video that my cameraman shot on our site immediately.
And I am betting that we are going to get a lot of hits.
Thank you for all your support, but Rachel isn't giving herself enough credit.
I mean, this is a true collaboration and we're just happy to be giving back.
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