Glory Daze (2010) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
Good morning Hayes University And so it begins, Fall semester 1986.
Well, just remember What the good bard Bill Shakespeare said -- "To thine own self be true.
" But then again, how can you be true to yourself If you don't know who you are yet? letting the days go by let the water hold me down letting the days go by water flowing underground into the blue again after the money's gone once in a lifetime water flowing underground and you may ask yourself Jerry: So don't forget, Joel -- College is not a right, it's a privilege.
You're not at St.
Ignatius anymore.
Father Mahoney and the Jesuits -- They're not here to watch over you.
Joel, listen to me.
You got to keep focused on one thing.
You got to build the bridge to the future And open the doors to opportunity.
Yeah, bridges and doors, dad.
Okay.
Actually, that's two things, dad.
What? What'd he say? Bridges and doors -- that's two things, Jerry.
Okay, all right, fine.
Two things.
Joel, listen to me.
Keep your eyes on the prize, huh? All right, don't scare him.
No, I-I-I'm not scaring him.
I'm just saying my-y-y-y give it me one time now Joel.
Joel Are you even listening to me, son? relax, don't do it when you want to go to it ââ¢Âª Relax, don't do it ââ¢Âª ââ¢Âª when you want to come ââ¢Âª St.
Christopher, Jerry! Watch out! Ooh, watch out! Watch out! Watch out, you maniac! Aah! Whoa! Oh, my God! Aaaaah! Oh, my God! Ohh! Jerry! Oh! Oh, my God! Oh! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! I killed her! Dad, dad, before you call the coroner What's this? Patrick: [ Chuckling .]
Looks like you killed a mannequin.
Nice job, Jerry.
[ Laughs .]
Don't embarrass your father, Patrick.
He'd like to do it himself.
Oh! Barbara! Oh, God, there you are.
Have you been up in the tree all summer? I thought you had run off on us.
Okay, everything's fine, everybody! Dad.
Nobody's hurt! [ Laughter .]
Sorry about your friend.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
If anyone should be apologizing, it's Barbara.
Do you want to just? So coy.
[ Chuckles .]
But that's her charm.
I mean I need 50cc of vodka! So, dad, is this a bridge Or a or a door? Wow, it's palatial.
What if your roommate's a freak? You'll have nowhere to hide.
Oh, no, he won't be a freak.
That's why you filled out the five-page compatibility form.
Okay? To avoid freaks.
No, whoever's your roommate is gonna be one lucky guy, 'cause you're a good boy.
Thanks, mom.
Ohh It was just like yesterday I was changing your diapers! What? Oh, your little testicles would get so inflamed.
Mom, could you please leave my testicles out of this? It was so cute.
Oh, listen to him big college boy.
It's like he doesn't even need his mom anymore.
But you do, Joel.
I know.
Care packages, pep talks Bleach.
[ Voice breaking .]
Come here.
Oh, my baby! [ Chuckles .]
He's so big! Dad? Okay.
Dad, you got to Oh, I love you so much.
Okay.
All right.
Oh! Okay, come on.
Take a knee.
Fine.
Just tell him about the bridges and doors again.
I just want to say, Joel, that all the All the overtime and the double shifts and the herniated disk It was all worth it just to see you here.
Thanks.
I won't let you down, pop.
I love you, Joel.
I love you, too, dad.
Okay, come here.
Oh, God.
Ugh.
You guys make me want to barf.
Thanks, bro.
Please don't leave me here with them.
Please.
I'm the one who should be going to college grow my own marijuana.
Thanks for sharing, Patrick.
That explains a lot.
Okay, let's go, Funnyman.
Come on.
Shh.
[ Chuckles .]
I love you, Joely.
Love you, ma.
[ Chuckles .]
Eyes on the prize, right? Yes, sir.
Okay.
Bye, dad.
[ Sighs .]
[ Sighs .]
Wow.
[ Gasps .]
That was beautiful.
So much said, so much unsaid, and the hugs Mm.
All I could do to keep from jumping up and getting some of that goodness for myself.
[ Curtain hooks rattle .]
Zack Miller.
Nice to meet you, roomie.
[ Exhales sharply .]
Wait.
You were up there the whole time? Ah, it seemed like a private moment, so I figured I'd just make myself invisible and let the love flow.
That's very kind of you.
[ Chuckles .]
And as a result, you now know about my Inflamed testicles.
Yet another thing we have in common.
Was that compatibility form spot-on or what? [ Door opens .]
Almost there.
A couple more steps.
AndOpen.
[ Gasps .]
So, what do you think? I love it! It's a perfect mix of Ralph Lauren and William f.
Buckley.
[ Laughs .]
You are gonna be glad you decided not to go to Yale, Julie.
That's why I pulled strings to get the single room.
And even though dorm regulations say we can't live together, I took the liberty of making you your own key.
Ohh.
I would have hated Yale.
I know.
Technically, NCAA rules prohibit me from saying this, but I want baseball getting your full attention.
Classes, ideally, you should attend, yes, but you've got to have priorities in life.
Well, if my dad taught me one thing, it's that playing ball comes first, second, and third.
Smart man.
My dad took me to a whorehouse when I was 12 to teach me the difference between sex and love.
Aren't dads great? You can do this.
This isn't high school anymore.
It's time to be the man you always knew you could be.
[ Smooches .]
[ Sighs .]
Ladies of Hayes university, my name is Eli Feldman.
My penis is pleased to meet you.
[ "Girls on film" by Duran Duran plays .]
[ Grunting .]
Get it! Hoo! Slay the women! See them walking hand in hand across the bridge at midnight Ba-ba-bam! Ugh! Heads turning as the lights flashing out are so bright Yeah.
Then walk right out to the fourline track No.
there's a camera rolling on her back on her back Oh, yeah.
Nice.
UhYou must be the Changs.
Girls on film I'm Eli.
[ Chuckles nervously .]
I'm Alex's roommate.
[ Arguing in native language .]
[ Doorbell rings .]
Man: Someone order a pizza? Woman: I don't know.
It depends on what type of pizza it is.
The only type I deliver.
[ Zipper unzips .]
Are you insane? Our national chapter is all over our ass, and you got a 4-person orgy projected on the side of a public building! At least tell me you got the rush pamphlets printed up.
Don't worry.
The right guys for this house are out there.
How much longer is this? About 30 minutes.
All right.
I like the way you guys work.
Now it's time to show them how we work.
Brian: Hey, guys.
This is Joel.
He lives on our floor.
This is Eli.
That's that's Chang.
Hey, man.
Hey, how you doing? This is Jason And Julie.
Hi.
Hi, Julie.
Nice to meet you.
Brian: I'm so glad I found you, man.
Otherwise I'd have to hang out with the baseball team.
You should see my roommate.
The guy He's obsessed.
He's got posters of ballplayers everywhere.
Do you have any idea how weird it is getting naked with a girl with Mike Schmidt just staring down at you? [ Sighs .]
Yeah.
It's the worst.
It sucks when that happens.
[ Chuckles .]
So, "b," tell me, man.
You a latex or a lambskin kind of guy? What? Condoms, man.
Latex or lambskin? Every master cocksman has a preference.
I prefer the, uh, natural feel of lambskin.
Eli: You know what I mean? Guys, can you hold that thought for a minute? Shall we? Yes.
Fellas? Mm.
Thank you, lord Jesus, for this incredible meal we're about to enjoy.
Amen.
Thanks for waiting.
Now, um, latex or lambskin notwithstanding, Joel, talk to me.
Are you rushing fraternity? No, not me.
No, I told my dad I'd stay focused this year.
My dad says I have to join the Asian fraternity.
I-I didn't even know there were Asian fraternities.
They're very secretive, but they do exist.
Jason: Well, you really should consider it, Joel.
You know, getting in the right fraternity can set you up for the rest of your life.
Yeah, Jason here is a third-generation legacy at zeta rho.
Mm-hmm.
And Julie is rushing kappa theta.
Both: Zeta rho's sister sorority.
I love you.
[ Laughs .]
Jason: Golly.
And if that doesn't make you want to rush, Joel, I guess nothing will.
No, I got my hands full with premed, so it's probably best I wait on something like a fraternity.
Don't wait too long, Joel.
People start finding their way.
Next thing you know, the only guys left are the ones making volcanoes out of their mashed potatoes.
I think I may have screwed up on my compatibility form.
Mr.
Haines: The Soviet union, A.
K.
A.
, the evil empire.
Are they evil, or is that just something that we swallow because president Reagan says that they are?! Hey, can I sit there, or are you saving it? Okay, I'm sorry.
Scratch that.
I promised the dean that I wouldn't go there this year.
Oh.
Yeah, sorry.
Here.
I'm here to educate, not to "pontificate.
" Please enjoy.
[ Chuckles .]
I'm Joel, by the way.
Hi.
Uh, Christie.
"Christie.
" That's beautiful.
[ Chuckles .]
Christie, if you need anything, I got extra pencils, I got highlighters.
Christie, I got a spare piece here if you Don't hesitate to ask, so Yeah, actually, you know, do you have two aspirin and a pack of unfiltered menthols? I'm all out.
Democrats and Republicans Yeah.
There must be something here.
Did you say unfiltered? Yeah.
Do you have any unfiltered cigarettes, buddy? Unfiltered menthols? Excuse me.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
Am I not interesting enough for you? Or is this just the first time you sat next to a girl? [ Laughter .]
Uh, yes.
No, I mean, no.
It's I mean, yes, you are interesting.
But, no This is not the first time I sat next to a girl.
I sit next to lots of girls.
I love it.
[ Chuckles .]
Oh, God.
That's good.
Because from the looks of it, this may be the only thing you do with a girl your whole college career.
[ Laughter .]
Burn.
[ Laughs .]
[ Chuckles weakly .]
This is not a dream.
This is real.
I'm laughing at you.
[ Laughter .]
I jest.
I'm a kidder.
Okay? That's what I do.
All right, let's move on.
Let's talk about the shameless military industrial complex! Scratch that.
Do not write it down.
Just I'm a little I'm a little emotional.
My wife, uh My ex-wife is I don't want to get into it.
Anyway Wow! That was a good time.
Oh, you You didn't have fun in there? 'Cause that's That's weird, 'cause I had a blast.
Seriously, I'm not the first girl that you've ever sat next to, right? No, no.
St.
Ignatius boys prep had lots of girls.
I sat next to a ton of guys at Marymount girls' academy.
No way.
That's I mean, we're of kindred spirits.
[ Both chuckle .]
So, are you gonna join a fraternity? No, you know, I think I might be more of a guy who stands on his own.
A lone-wolf kind of thing? Yeah.
[ Howls .]
[ Chuckles .]
I mean, it's just it's just a theory.
You know, I haven't really worked it all the way through yet, so Keep working on it.
I will.
I've got to get to my next class.
We're supposed to meet in the technology lab and discover the future of letter writing Something called "electronic mail.
" That's retarded.
[ Both laugh .]
I know, right? Retarded mail.
[ Chuckles .]
I'll see you around, "lone wolf.
" All right, "Christie.
" [ Chuckles .]
Not if the military industrial complex gets you first! [ Both laugh .]
Yeah, go ahead and laugh all you want.
But they're out there, and they're gonna get you.
Thank you for the warning.
Mm-hmm.
[ "Moving in stereo" by the cars plays .]
It's so easy to blow up your problems it's so easy to play up your breakdown it's so easy to fly through a window it's so easy Yo, Joel.
Come on, man.
Dip your nuts in some stetson and let's roll.
It's rush night.
No, sorry.
No nut dipping for me.
Keeping my eyes on the prize, so Have fun.
What does that What does that even mean? [ Joel coughing .]
You know, some say it takes a brave man to stand outside the system the way you are.
Yes.
I was just explaining that to somebody else But I say It takes two brave men.
What those frat guys will never understand is You only need one friend in life, someone you can count on.
You want to focus on your studies, let's focus together like two lasers, strong on our own, but when you cross our beams We're that much stronger.
Joel: Guys! Guys! Hey.
Oh, hey, Joel.
I've been looking all over for you guys.
What is that? That's not stetson.
Oh, that'sFungicide.
Gross.
That's a story for another time.
What'd I miss? Not much.
We've been to eight houses, and all we've learned is the Jewish house is only interested in Eli, the jock house only wants Brian.
But don't worry.
The best is yet to come Zeta Rho.
What do you have in there about the Asian fraternity? [ Insects chirping .]
They're probably studying.
Damn it.
I can't believe my father's making me do this.
I want to drink beer, meet girls, not hang around clicking chopsticks and building robots with a bunch of Asian nerds.
That's kind of a gross stereotype, huh? Not when an Asian says it.
Right.
I'll just go in and take a look around.
At least, that way, I can tell my father I tried.
You guys go ahead.
I'll catch up.
All right.
See you, Chang.
Good luck, brother.
Jason: Imagine a father forcing a kid to do something against his will.
Well, he could be making him play baseball.
[ Door creaks .]
Hi.
I'm Alex Chang.
My my father told me to come by.
Just you? Yeah.
All right, come with me.
[ Door creaks .]
And this is a basement.
So, is this where you keep the robots? [ Keypad beeping .]
Sometimes.
[ "Let the music play" by Shannon plays .]
You can never tell your white friends about this, okay?! Isn't being Asian great?! [ Both scream .]
Yeah! [ Music continues .]
Well, any fraternity that's produced six U.
S.
senators and several titans of industry is certainly at the top of my list.
But you should also know we take affirmative action very seriously and recently admitted our first African member.
Alistair! Say hello.
[ South African accent .]
Hi.
I'm Alistair From Johannesburg.
How is it, chummies? [ Both laugh .]
[ Laughing .]
Oh, that gets me every time.
'Cause when I say "African," you're immediately thinking, you know Chaka Khan! [ Both laugh .]
Wesley.
Right, right, right.
Too funny.
Yeah.
[ Loud farting .]
[ Sighs, chuckles .]
That was me! That was me! Kosher chili.
[ Chuckles .]
He knows.
What the heck were you thinking?! I got ignored at the Jewish house, but you don't see me farting about it! Yeah, whatever, man.
Those guys were a-holes.
Yeah, they did kind of suck, Jason.
Thank you.
"Six U.
S.
senators" does not suck! Guys, we can debate their level of suckiness later.
Right now we agreed to check out all the houses together? Fine.
We're doing that.
This is the only house we haven't been to Omega Sig.
[ "Middle of the road" by the pretenders plays .]
Oh, this place is a joke.
Look at their pamphlet.
No achievements, no awards.
The entire inside is blank.
Gentlemen The inside of the pamphlet is empty for a reason.
The future has yet to be written.
The page is for you to fill in.
Oh, I like the sound of that.
Do you? That's good 'cause I just came up with it.
Why don't you guys come in and join the festivities? Oh.
By the way, my name's Mike Reno, and this is Caroline.
Next week, Reno? Mike: Mm-hmm.
Whew.
What can I say? She's a nature lover.
Come on, guys.
Get in the road come on, now [ Camera shutter clicks .]
In the middle of the road, yeah Yeah, welcome to paradise, boys! Do what they say, say hey, beer guy! How about some beverages for our new arrivals? You told me something wrong Oh, my God.
This could be dangerous.
I think my eyes have officially left the prize.
I wish Chang was here to see this.
Don't be swayed, guys.
At most, this is only the second-best house on campus.
And I can't even say that with any certainty.
Fellas, enjoy yourselves.
Mingle with the natives.
You, my good man, come with me.
Cheers.
Perhaps I should explain myself.
Oh, no, no, no.
No need to explain.
Hey, turbo! Yo! I think I've got another candidate for the beast.
The beast is gonna love this guy! Come on.
The beast? The beast.
The harder he falls Joel.
[ Chuckles .]
Hey, look.
It's the lone wolf.
Hey! Actually, I've kind of been rethinking the whole "lone wolf" theory.
It had a few holes in it.
[ Chuckles .]
Yeah, I think so, too.
And maybe if you rush the house, we'll be seeing more of each other.
So, Joel Hey.
I know this party can't compare to maiming a mannequin with a station wagon, but we do try.
Ah.
You remembered.
I was hoping that you didn't.
How is Barbara, by the way? Oh, never better.
We made her severed leg into a bong.
[ Crunches .]
[ Spitting .]
Hector! Who the hell made this guac? Guys, bathroom? No? Okay.
That's Hey.
Bathroom? Over there? Thanks.
[ "White rabbit" by Jefferson airplane plays .]
Whoa.
This isn't the bathroom.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.
Come in.
There's plenty for all of us.
Come.
Partake.
UhOkay.
One [ Crowd chanting .]
Unleash the beast! Unleash the beast! This is a bad idea! So bad! No great man has ever consumed beer from a device this size! Suck up, freshman, okay? This is a one-way ticket a one-way ticket to happy town! Bernie, unleash the beast, baby! Let's go! Man: Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug! Whoo! [ Cheering .]
Go, go, go, go! Go, go, go, go! [ Ding! .]
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! T.
P.
! Yeah.
Leaving a fantastic party on an emergency guacamole run may seem extreme, Joel, but you have to stand for something and be ready to draw the line.
Ah.
Bad guacamole is where I draw mine.
How about you? I don't I don't know.
I guess I haven't found my guacamole yet.
Ah, someday.
[ Avocado rattles .]
Someday.
Oh, boy.
Look at this.
Hmm? Beautiful yet unaccompanied.
Bottle of wine, some bubble bath.
Not to mention a classic heels-and-skirt combo.
She's obviously trying to cure the lonelies.
Mike: Ah It's a great year for chardonnay.
Really? Oh, I had no idea.
Oh, yeah.
Also a great year for bubble bath.
You know, it's a shame on a night such as this the two of us have to spend it alone.
You look like you have plenty of company.
Hmm? Oh, th these these guys.
Mm.
They're just two of my most prized students.
Oh.
See, I'm a Professor here at the university.
I believe that the gift of knowledge has no office hours.
On the other hand, I'd be willing to drop them off if Oh, no, don't drop them off.
I have a really big bathtub.
Hmm! UhYeah, I like bubble baths.
Do you? Yeah.
Do you know what I like? Oh, no, no.
Not now, Hector.
So, you said you're a Professor.
What department are you in? Uh, the English department.
I teach early to late mid-century literature.
I also teach in the English department.
[ Chuckling .]
Do you? I do.
My students call me Professor Larson.
I really find it strange that I haven't seen you around.
A good-looking colleague like you I'm sure I would have noticed.
Man: Here you go.
Nice try, kid.
It's been fun.
[ Chuckles weakly .]
Hector, remind me to change my major to English on Monday.
[ Coughing .]
[ Chuckling .]
Man, I love this place.
I never want to leave.
Bill: Exactly.
That's why I've been here since 1976.
You've been in the fraternity for 10 years? Time is a fluid concept, you know, man? I mean, sometimes it seems like I've been here for 30,000s of years, and other times, merely a moment.
[ Chuckling .]
Did you hear I mean, I heard pot makes you smart, but That's some deep stuff.
Hmm.
Man: Well, that's why they call him "the oracle.
" Listen, the thing to remember here, Paul, is Eli.
My my name's Eli.
Names aren't important, David.
Right.
What is important is that everything that I am, I owe to this house and the standards set by one man, and that's the great Steve Byerson.
Byerson.
Byerson.
Byerson.
I-I'm sorry.
Who who is Steve Byerson? The fact that nobody knows who the legendary Steve Byerson is is a flat-out injustice.
That's his portrait hanging on the mantelpiece downstairs.
He's a lover, you know.
He's a fighter, you know? He's a connoisseur of fine booze and extreme premium herbage.
I had no idea.
And that's what kills me.
It's like I'm trying not to get mad but there's been seven Nobel peace prize winners here at this campus, there's been nine Pulitzer prize winners, and there's been one Heisman trophy winner, and they're all celebrated at heritage hall.
But nowhere and I mean nowhere except this house is a man like Steve Byerson recognized and given the respect that he deserves, and that, my friends, is a damn travesty, okay? Dude, give me my bong, like, now because I just need calm.
I-I don't I know you're a new guy.
I didn't mean to be like It's not your fault, whatever.
Eli: I'm sorry.
I Lift it higher 'cause of my back.
Sorry.
That's the whole reason why I started smoking in the first place.
Sorry.
Move it out a little bit.
All right, now Hold it a little lower so I can I'll try not to Hold it still.
Just hold it still.
Ready? Yeah, I'm ready, dude.
I love the beast! I do! I love it! We know.
And the beast loves you, too! Jason: I love the beast! Music-go-round Bill: A fighter.
A lover.
A travesty, you know? A damn travesty.
He deserves so much more.
We're the kids Come to the light, Joel.
Don't be afraid.
The light is good, Joel.
W-what's going on? Well, judging from what time you got in last night and the distinct scent of alcohol, I'd say you tied one on pretty good.
You sleep like a baby, by the way.
Hated to wake you.
Then why did you? [ Click .]
Eli: Joel! Joel, it's me Eli! All I can say is, prepare to have your minds blown! You got to tell the others! [ Beep .]
I'm very stoned.
Scared.
[ Voice cracking .]
Second floor.
Heritage hall.
Help! Help me! [ Beep .]
This is my last dime.
Just tell my mom I love her.
Give Brian my lambskins.
Joel, take my magazines and hand lotion.
You're gonna need it.
And please look after Chang for me, okay? Goodbye, world.
Goodbye.
[ Beep .]
"Goodbye, world"? [ Click .]
[ "True" by Spandau Ballet plays .]
[ Door opens .]
Julie: Rise and shine, "j.
" Time for the morning Paper.
Whoa! Huh? What happened? Ohh, my head! What happened in here? I'd say rush night got a little out of control.
You got this drunk at the zeta rho house? Funny thing.
[ Chuckles .]
I actually kind of ended up spending most of the night with the, uh Omega Sigs.
Frankly, I found the zetas to be a little stiff Possibly a little racist.
Besides, I believe you would find the omegas have a-a unique charm.
Oh, I would, would I? I mean, take butter knife, for example Just a phenomenal young man.
Always in time [ Sniffs .]
Oh, my God! Did you pee the bed? Maybe.
I'm sorry.
[ Chuckling .]
People pee their beds all the time, right? It's a it's a natural part of of growing up.
Oh, I thought you were grown up, Jason! We had a plan! You were pledging zeta rho, and I was going kappa theta.
Then we're both gonna make honor society.
You were gonna go to law school, and I was gonna work as a speech writer for senate majority leader Bob dole! We can still do that! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Can we, Jason? I have urine on my hand! And worse, I'm not even sure who you are anymore.
I'm exactly the man you think I am.
I-I love Ronald Reagan and and monogrammed pajamas and, as I learned last night, I'm also a sucker for an industrial beer bong With nine hoses, but that does not make me a bad person.
No, it makes me an idiot.
I turned down Yale for you.
[ Scoffs .]
I wanted to go to Yale! They just didn't want me! Yeah, they were smart! [ Knock on door .]
I'm sorry to interrupt the love fest, but, Jason, we need to talk to you.
Go right ahead.
I was just leaving.
Ju [ Sighs .]
Jason: What kind of trouble did this idiot get himself into? I don't know.
I only know what was on the message.
And why didn't he leave me anything? Brian, you get the lambskins, Joel gets the lotion What do I get? I'm more than happy to pass on the lambskins, man.
Hey, you can always help look after Chang.
Oh, just what I need.
Thank you.
[ "Da da da" by trio plays .]
That's not good.
Aha Oh, no.
And this one is locked, too.
Damn it.
Hey, guys! Guys! Over here! There's an open window.
Come on.
Da da da Are you serious? We're really going in there? A friend leaves a freaked-out message saying "goodbye, world"? What do you suggest we do? Well, I wouldn't suggest we trespass.
This is crazy.
This is so crazy.
We should not be doing this.
Don't get your panties in a knot.
[ Pulsating tone .]
I don't love you, you don't love me da da da I don't love you, you don't love me da da da I don't love you, you don't love me Oh.
da da da Oh, my God.
Ohh.
Da da da Eli: [ Muffled .]
Guys? Did you hear that? Guys.
Guys, is that you? Eli? Eli: Oh-ho! Eli! Hey! [ Chuckles .]
Eli! Brian: Oh, my God.
Are you all right? Eli: Okay, okay.
Oh.
[ Chuckling nervously .]
Are you okay? Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, you guys are like green berets and Navy seals combined.
Did you steal this from the omega house?! The house we're trying to get into? Okay, okay.
Just promise me you're not gonna spaz until I give you the whole explanation.
Are you insane?! Shh! No, but I was stoned.
Like, really stoned with some sort of hybrid super cannabis.
Oh! I'm sorry! I never smoked pot before, okay? And the oracle was talking about Steve Byerson and the travesties of justice.
Hold on, hold on.
Who's the oracle? Bill Stankowski.
[ "White rabbit" by Jefferson airplane plays .]
You guys didn't meet him? Well, he's been in the house for 10 years.
I mean, really cool, super smart.
[ Chuckling .]
He opened my eyes to things.
So I was up there with the painting, and and I heard a noise, so I thought security's coming, so I bugged out, called Joel, pooped somewhere, hid in the air vent What, you you you pooped? And then I might have thrown the Heisman trophy out the window.
Okay.
Why would you do that? Does the term "baked to the gills" mean anything to you? I mean, I passed out in the vent, for God's sakes! [ Sighs .]
Guys, it's 6:30 in the morning.
We could still get this painting back to the omega house before anyone knows it's gone.
Yeah, Joel's right.
The guys in the house, they're gonna be so hungover, they'll be asleep till noon.
[ "I fought the law" by the clash plays .]
Aaah! Let's go! Let's go! Breakin' rocks in the hot sun I fought the law and the law won Guys, guys, look at this.
Look at this.
Crap! We're spotted.
No, no, you don't know that, right? He might have missed us.
[ Beep .]
I got 'em.
And he didn't miss us.
He's going for the stairs.
Well, how are we gonna get out? Okay.
Just, uh don't panic.
Just just think.
What would MacGyver do? I fought the law and the law won I fought the law and the Oh.
[ Chuckles .]
[ Chuckles .]
I can't believe that worked! I knew it, I knew it! Officer: Good morning, boys! [ Laughs .]
Jason: Excuse me, sir.
I am, uh, Jason Wilson of the Pennsylvania Wilsons.
Does that name mean anything to you? Does "taser" mean anything to you? [ Taser zaps .]
If you boys ever want your clothes back, sit down and shut up! Good idea.
Yes, sir.
We're toast at that fraternity now All because Eli decided to dance with the devil's lettuce.
I'm sorry, guys.
Okay, this is my fault.
All I wanted to do when I came to college was to have cool friends and get laid.
I know you guys think I'm some sort of ladies' man or whatever because I'm always talking about sex.
ButThe truth is, that's a bunch of crap.
[ Claps legs .]
I'm a virgin.
No.
Really? [ Chuckling .]
Yeah, I know, right? Me.
I mean I hide it well.
But that fraternity was gonna change everything.
But now I'm stuck trolling for dorm ass, and worst off, I don't have cool friends 'cause you guys hate me.
Look, Eli, we don't hate you.
[ Damon clapping .]
You barnacles make me ill.
You rush our house, party with us, then steal our property.
Why not take a steaming dump in the middle of our living room? To think there was talk last night of giving you guys bids.
[ Scoffs .]
Let's get out of here before I get emotional.
I'm the one who stole the painting.
Joel, don't.
Someone said to me that these are extreme times, and you have to draw a line.
Now, a stolen painting, a molested Heisman trophy extreme A drawn line Or an act of idiocy? Well, that's That's tough to say.
But I can say that these Brave, brave men were merely assisting a fallen comrade.
Man, how do you expect to be taken serious when you got your nut bag hanging out your drawers? [ Taser zapping .]
[ Screaming .]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay.
Officer, all due respect [ Crying loudly .]
Nothing says "party's over" like a tased scrotum.
Shall we? No, come on.
Just Hey.
We let you drink our beer.
You met the beast! Damon: Let's get the painting and get out of here.
Tase the rest of them! Take your hand away.
[ All groaning .]
I really appreciate you helping us out like this, coach.
Yeah, well, all my players get one pass from me Especially a guy with a 95-mile-an-hour fastball.
Look, Brian, when I walked out of that whorehouse, a 12-year-old boy with a newly christened pecker, my daddy gave me some powerful advice.
He said, "son, you'll always be judged by the company you keep.
" I thought he was trying to teach you the difference between sex and love.
It was a different day, different lesson.
Are you even listening? Look, the point is, you got a golden ticket in that arm of yours.
Let me ask you one question.
Do you think hanging out with guys like this Is a good idea? Trust me It's not.
[ "It must be love" by madness plays .]
Yeah, let's go.
I never thought I'd miss you You all right, buddy? To be honest with you, no.
I'm not I'm not good.
And I never thought I'd feel this way hi! The way I feel about you Mr.
Haines: You capitalist pig! Return my 50 cents or release my twinkie! Every day I'm a teacher! I know that it's you I need to take the blues away it must be love Hello, old friends.
Love, love I'm back.
It must be love Julie! Hey! I've been looking all over for you.
Nothing more, nothing less love is the best how can it be that we can say so much without words? Is everything all right? You seem distracted.
What? Bless you and bless me Did you say something? Bless the bees and the birds I've got to be near you every night [ Exhales loudly .]
Every day Nicely done, Paulina.
It's good to have the old team back together again.
Any other way [ Sighs .]
[ Door opens .]
Whoa! Whoa! Chang! Where you been, man? It must be love It's nonstop calculus over there.
Yeah, yeah.
Go take a nap, man.
Nothing more, nothing less love is the best [ Men booing .]
Okay, glass eye is a no-go.
[ Projector clicks .]
Damon: What the hell is this? I thought I pulled that slide.
Before you go all Chernobyl on me, I think we need to discuss these guys.
Fine.
Let's start by discussing the way they disgraced this house.
It's true.
They were caught naked on campus with the, uh, damaged Heisman and the Byerson painting, which, I suppose, in some circles, may be considered a crime.
But the real crime is the fact that we didn't think of it first.
Four freshmen Came up with the stunt of the year, and I had nothing to do with it.
None of us did.
But more important than who did it is the simple yet irrefutable fact that for a few brief yet glorious hours, Steve Byerson was hanging in the university's hall of fame.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, oh.
Um, are you gonna tell me, though, if that actually really happened? 'Cause that's really awesome, and I definitely need to meet those guys.
Have you forgotten that this house is under serious scrutiny from our national chapter? And now you want to let in four guys who just got arrested? Not to mention the fact that these idiots stole from us! I-instead of discussing whether or not we should let them in this house, we should be discussing how hard we're gonna kick their asses.
[ Clears throat .]
Okay, then.
Well I guess there's only one thing left to do.
Zack: Help! Aah! What the [ Zack screaming .]
[ Whistle blowing .]
Unhand him, you thieves! [ Whistle blowing .]
Aah! [ Whistle blowing .]
Gentleman, remove your pillow cases! Congratulations, men.
You're now officially omega sig pledges, baby.
[ Cheering .]
[ "I want to be sedated" by the Ramones plays .]
Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go I wanna be sedated [ Chanting .]
Omega sig! Omega sig! Get me to the airport, put me on a plane hurry, hurry, hurry, before I go insane I can't control my fingers, I can't control my brain no, no, no, no Hector! My man! Hey! You got the glow of a man who's found his guacamole.
Do I? Or is it just the 20,000 volts I took to the 'nads the other day? Either way, it suits you.
[ Clears throat .]
Incidentally, you'll never guess what I found in the, uh, Byerson shrine After the painting was taken.
Yeah, you may want to give it back to your fallen comrade, the one you took the bullet for? The bonds of brotherhood.
Some people say that's why we join fraternities.
Oh, really? 'Cause I had heard it was for the free beer.
[ Laughs .]
No, Joel.
That just facilitates the bonding.
Oh, God.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I, uh, I see some pledges that need to meet the beast.
Do it.
Christie.
Hey, look at you, Mr.
omega pledge.
I know.
It's crazy, right? I think it's great.
And you did say we'd be seeing more of each other if I was in the house, right? Oh, definitely.
My boyfriend, Damon, is a member, so I'm here all the time.
Have you met him? Yeah, yeah.
We sort of met If you can call it that.
Okay, well, have fun.
I'll see you later.
Yeah.
Yes! Hey, buddy! [ Chuckling .]
Hey! It baffles me we didn't get hazed.
I love it.
This is the greatest night of my life! [ Cheering .]
Welcome to the other side of pledgeship, gentlemen! I hope you all didn't think it was all champagne, cigars, giggles, and high-fives.
Your life belongs to now.
If I need my butt wiped at 3:00 A.
M.
, somebody better be there to do it.
Is that understood?! Together: Yes, sir! Good.
By the way, just to let you all know, I will never ask you to do anything involving my butt.
I'm gonna ask you a lot, but nothing involving my butt.
Is that understood?! Together: Yes, sir! Good.
Now For the most important ritual of pledgeship.
Each and every brother in this fraternity carries this symbol of commitment.
So, how bad do you want it, gentlemen? How bad do you want to be a part of this fraternity?! Is it just some kind of social outlet Or do you really want it?! Together: We want it! Do you want it?! Together: We want it! Do you want it?! Together: We want it! I want it! Give it! No, no! No, no! No! No! [ Sizzles .]
Oh! Oh ho ho! Oh, my God! [ Sobbing hysterically .]
Dude, mine's just fake! Look, mine's just fa Oh, he just put it on his ass! It's fake?! It's fake, bro! We pasted this on my ass.
We need a medic! You okay? No, no, no, no.
No, it's a good burn.
It's a good burn.
It's a good burn? Does it look as good as it feels? It looks great.
Really? 'Cause 'cause 'cause I feel great! [ Laughing .]
That's the greatest thing I've ever seen.
I feel good, omega sig! Omega sig! [ Cheering .]
It's gonna be one special group.
[ Laughs .]
Well, just remember What the good bard Bill Shakespeare said -- "To thine own self be true.
" But then again, how can you be true to yourself If you don't know who you are yet? letting the days go by let the water hold me down letting the days go by water flowing underground into the blue again after the money's gone once in a lifetime water flowing underground and you may ask yourself Jerry: So don't forget, Joel -- College is not a right, it's a privilege.
You're not at St.
Ignatius anymore.
Father Mahoney and the Jesuits -- They're not here to watch over you.
Joel, listen to me.
You got to keep focused on one thing.
You got to build the bridge to the future And open the doors to opportunity.
Yeah, bridges and doors, dad.
Okay.
Actually, that's two things, dad.
What? What'd he say? Bridges and doors -- that's two things, Jerry.
Okay, all right, fine.
Two things.
Joel, listen to me.
Keep your eyes on the prize, huh? All right, don't scare him.
No, I-I-I'm not scaring him.
I'm just saying my-y-y-y give it me one time now Joel.
Joel Are you even listening to me, son? relax, don't do it when you want to go to it ââ¢Âª Relax, don't do it ââ¢Âª ââ¢Âª when you want to come ââ¢Âª St.
Christopher, Jerry! Watch out! Ooh, watch out! Watch out! Watch out, you maniac! Aah! Whoa! Oh, my God! Aaaaah! Oh, my God! Ohh! Jerry! Oh! Oh, my God! Oh! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! I killed her! Dad, dad, before you call the coroner What's this? Patrick: [ Chuckling .]
Looks like you killed a mannequin.
Nice job, Jerry.
[ Laughs .]
Don't embarrass your father, Patrick.
He'd like to do it himself.
Oh! Barbara! Oh, God, there you are.
Have you been up in the tree all summer? I thought you had run off on us.
Okay, everything's fine, everybody! Dad.
Nobody's hurt! [ Laughter .]
Sorry about your friend.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
If anyone should be apologizing, it's Barbara.
Do you want to just? So coy.
[ Chuckles .]
But that's her charm.
I mean I need 50cc of vodka! So, dad, is this a bridge Or a or a door? Wow, it's palatial.
What if your roommate's a freak? You'll have nowhere to hide.
Oh, no, he won't be a freak.
That's why you filled out the five-page compatibility form.
Okay? To avoid freaks.
No, whoever's your roommate is gonna be one lucky guy, 'cause you're a good boy.
Thanks, mom.
Ohh It was just like yesterday I was changing your diapers! What? Oh, your little testicles would get so inflamed.
Mom, could you please leave my testicles out of this? It was so cute.
Oh, listen to him big college boy.
It's like he doesn't even need his mom anymore.
But you do, Joel.
I know.
Care packages, pep talks Bleach.
[ Voice breaking .]
Come here.
Oh, my baby! [ Chuckles .]
He's so big! Dad? Okay.
Dad, you got to Oh, I love you so much.
Okay.
All right.
Oh! Okay, come on.
Take a knee.
Fine.
Just tell him about the bridges and doors again.
I just want to say, Joel, that all the All the overtime and the double shifts and the herniated disk It was all worth it just to see you here.
Thanks.
I won't let you down, pop.
I love you, Joel.
I love you, too, dad.
Okay, come here.
Oh, God.
Ugh.
You guys make me want to barf.
Thanks, bro.
Please don't leave me here with them.
Please.
I'm the one who should be going to college grow my own marijuana.
Thanks for sharing, Patrick.
That explains a lot.
Okay, let's go, Funnyman.
Come on.
Shh.
[ Chuckles .]
I love you, Joely.
Love you, ma.
[ Chuckles .]
Eyes on the prize, right? Yes, sir.
Okay.
Bye, dad.
[ Sighs .]
[ Sighs .]
Wow.
[ Gasps .]
That was beautiful.
So much said, so much unsaid, and the hugs Mm.
All I could do to keep from jumping up and getting some of that goodness for myself.
[ Curtain hooks rattle .]
Zack Miller.
Nice to meet you, roomie.
[ Exhales sharply .]
Wait.
You were up there the whole time? Ah, it seemed like a private moment, so I figured I'd just make myself invisible and let the love flow.
That's very kind of you.
[ Chuckles .]
And as a result, you now know about my Inflamed testicles.
Yet another thing we have in common.
Was that compatibility form spot-on or what? [ Door opens .]
Almost there.
A couple more steps.
AndOpen.
[ Gasps .]
So, what do you think? I love it! It's a perfect mix of Ralph Lauren and William f.
Buckley.
[ Laughs .]
You are gonna be glad you decided not to go to Yale, Julie.
That's why I pulled strings to get the single room.
And even though dorm regulations say we can't live together, I took the liberty of making you your own key.
Ohh.
I would have hated Yale.
I know.
Technically, NCAA rules prohibit me from saying this, but I want baseball getting your full attention.
Classes, ideally, you should attend, yes, but you've got to have priorities in life.
Well, if my dad taught me one thing, it's that playing ball comes first, second, and third.
Smart man.
My dad took me to a whorehouse when I was 12 to teach me the difference between sex and love.
Aren't dads great? You can do this.
This isn't high school anymore.
It's time to be the man you always knew you could be.
[ Smooches .]
[ Sighs .]
Ladies of Hayes university, my name is Eli Feldman.
My penis is pleased to meet you.
[ "Girls on film" by Duran Duran plays .]
[ Grunting .]
Get it! Hoo! Slay the women! See them walking hand in hand across the bridge at midnight Ba-ba-bam! Ugh! Heads turning as the lights flashing out are so bright Yeah.
Then walk right out to the fourline track No.
there's a camera rolling on her back on her back Oh, yeah.
Nice.
UhYou must be the Changs.
Girls on film I'm Eli.
[ Chuckles nervously .]
I'm Alex's roommate.
[ Arguing in native language .]
[ Doorbell rings .]
Man: Someone order a pizza? Woman: I don't know.
It depends on what type of pizza it is.
The only type I deliver.
[ Zipper unzips .]
Are you insane? Our national chapter is all over our ass, and you got a 4-person orgy projected on the side of a public building! At least tell me you got the rush pamphlets printed up.
Don't worry.
The right guys for this house are out there.
How much longer is this? About 30 minutes.
All right.
I like the way you guys work.
Now it's time to show them how we work.
Brian: Hey, guys.
This is Joel.
He lives on our floor.
This is Eli.
That's that's Chang.
Hey, man.
Hey, how you doing? This is Jason And Julie.
Hi.
Hi, Julie.
Nice to meet you.
Brian: I'm so glad I found you, man.
Otherwise I'd have to hang out with the baseball team.
You should see my roommate.
The guy He's obsessed.
He's got posters of ballplayers everywhere.
Do you have any idea how weird it is getting naked with a girl with Mike Schmidt just staring down at you? [ Sighs .]
Yeah.
It's the worst.
It sucks when that happens.
[ Chuckles .]
So, "b," tell me, man.
You a latex or a lambskin kind of guy? What? Condoms, man.
Latex or lambskin? Every master cocksman has a preference.
I prefer the, uh, natural feel of lambskin.
Eli: You know what I mean? Guys, can you hold that thought for a minute? Shall we? Yes.
Fellas? Mm.
Thank you, lord Jesus, for this incredible meal we're about to enjoy.
Amen.
Thanks for waiting.
Now, um, latex or lambskin notwithstanding, Joel, talk to me.
Are you rushing fraternity? No, not me.
No, I told my dad I'd stay focused this year.
My dad says I have to join the Asian fraternity.
I-I didn't even know there were Asian fraternities.
They're very secretive, but they do exist.
Jason: Well, you really should consider it, Joel.
You know, getting in the right fraternity can set you up for the rest of your life.
Yeah, Jason here is a third-generation legacy at zeta rho.
Mm-hmm.
And Julie is rushing kappa theta.
Both: Zeta rho's sister sorority.
I love you.
[ Laughs .]
Jason: Golly.
And if that doesn't make you want to rush, Joel, I guess nothing will.
No, I got my hands full with premed, so it's probably best I wait on something like a fraternity.
Don't wait too long, Joel.
People start finding their way.
Next thing you know, the only guys left are the ones making volcanoes out of their mashed potatoes.
I think I may have screwed up on my compatibility form.
Mr.
Haines: The Soviet union, A.
K.
A.
, the evil empire.
Are they evil, or is that just something that we swallow because president Reagan says that they are?! Hey, can I sit there, or are you saving it? Okay, I'm sorry.
Scratch that.
I promised the dean that I wouldn't go there this year.
Oh.
Yeah, sorry.
Here.
I'm here to educate, not to "pontificate.
" Please enjoy.
[ Chuckles .]
I'm Joel, by the way.
Hi.
Uh, Christie.
"Christie.
" That's beautiful.
[ Chuckles .]
Christie, if you need anything, I got extra pencils, I got highlighters.
Christie, I got a spare piece here if you Don't hesitate to ask, so Yeah, actually, you know, do you have two aspirin and a pack of unfiltered menthols? I'm all out.
Democrats and Republicans Yeah.
There must be something here.
Did you say unfiltered? Yeah.
Do you have any unfiltered cigarettes, buddy? Unfiltered menthols? Excuse me.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
Am I not interesting enough for you? Or is this just the first time you sat next to a girl? [ Laughter .]
Uh, yes.
No, I mean, no.
It's I mean, yes, you are interesting.
But, no This is not the first time I sat next to a girl.
I sit next to lots of girls.
I love it.
[ Chuckles .]
Oh, God.
That's good.
Because from the looks of it, this may be the only thing you do with a girl your whole college career.
[ Laughter .]
Burn.
[ Laughs .]
[ Chuckles weakly .]
This is not a dream.
This is real.
I'm laughing at you.
[ Laughter .]
I jest.
I'm a kidder.
Okay? That's what I do.
All right, let's move on.
Let's talk about the shameless military industrial complex! Scratch that.
Do not write it down.
Just I'm a little I'm a little emotional.
My wife, uh My ex-wife is I don't want to get into it.
Anyway Wow! That was a good time.
Oh, you You didn't have fun in there? 'Cause that's That's weird, 'cause I had a blast.
Seriously, I'm not the first girl that you've ever sat next to, right? No, no.
St.
Ignatius boys prep had lots of girls.
I sat next to a ton of guys at Marymount girls' academy.
No way.
That's I mean, we're of kindred spirits.
[ Both chuckle .]
So, are you gonna join a fraternity? No, you know, I think I might be more of a guy who stands on his own.
A lone-wolf kind of thing? Yeah.
[ Howls .]
[ Chuckles .]
I mean, it's just it's just a theory.
You know, I haven't really worked it all the way through yet, so Keep working on it.
I will.
I've got to get to my next class.
We're supposed to meet in the technology lab and discover the future of letter writing Something called "electronic mail.
" That's retarded.
[ Both laugh .]
I know, right? Retarded mail.
[ Chuckles .]
I'll see you around, "lone wolf.
" All right, "Christie.
" [ Chuckles .]
Not if the military industrial complex gets you first! [ Both laugh .]
Yeah, go ahead and laugh all you want.
But they're out there, and they're gonna get you.
Thank you for the warning.
Mm-hmm.
[ "Moving in stereo" by the cars plays .]
It's so easy to blow up your problems it's so easy to play up your breakdown it's so easy to fly through a window it's so easy Yo, Joel.
Come on, man.
Dip your nuts in some stetson and let's roll.
It's rush night.
No, sorry.
No nut dipping for me.
Keeping my eyes on the prize, so Have fun.
What does that What does that even mean? [ Joel coughing .]
You know, some say it takes a brave man to stand outside the system the way you are.
Yes.
I was just explaining that to somebody else But I say It takes two brave men.
What those frat guys will never understand is You only need one friend in life, someone you can count on.
You want to focus on your studies, let's focus together like two lasers, strong on our own, but when you cross our beams We're that much stronger.
Joel: Guys! Guys! Hey.
Oh, hey, Joel.
I've been looking all over for you guys.
What is that? That's not stetson.
Oh, that'sFungicide.
Gross.
That's a story for another time.
What'd I miss? Not much.
We've been to eight houses, and all we've learned is the Jewish house is only interested in Eli, the jock house only wants Brian.
But don't worry.
The best is yet to come Zeta Rho.
What do you have in there about the Asian fraternity? [ Insects chirping .]
They're probably studying.
Damn it.
I can't believe my father's making me do this.
I want to drink beer, meet girls, not hang around clicking chopsticks and building robots with a bunch of Asian nerds.
That's kind of a gross stereotype, huh? Not when an Asian says it.
Right.
I'll just go in and take a look around.
At least, that way, I can tell my father I tried.
You guys go ahead.
I'll catch up.
All right.
See you, Chang.
Good luck, brother.
Jason: Imagine a father forcing a kid to do something against his will.
Well, he could be making him play baseball.
[ Door creaks .]
Hi.
I'm Alex Chang.
My my father told me to come by.
Just you? Yeah.
All right, come with me.
[ Door creaks .]
And this is a basement.
So, is this where you keep the robots? [ Keypad beeping .]
Sometimes.
[ "Let the music play" by Shannon plays .]
You can never tell your white friends about this, okay?! Isn't being Asian great?! [ Both scream .]
Yeah! [ Music continues .]
Well, any fraternity that's produced six U.
S.
senators and several titans of industry is certainly at the top of my list.
But you should also know we take affirmative action very seriously and recently admitted our first African member.
Alistair! Say hello.
[ South African accent .]
Hi.
I'm Alistair From Johannesburg.
How is it, chummies? [ Both laugh .]
[ Laughing .]
Oh, that gets me every time.
'Cause when I say "African," you're immediately thinking, you know Chaka Khan! [ Both laugh .]
Wesley.
Right, right, right.
Too funny.
Yeah.
[ Loud farting .]
[ Sighs, chuckles .]
That was me! That was me! Kosher chili.
[ Chuckles .]
He knows.
What the heck were you thinking?! I got ignored at the Jewish house, but you don't see me farting about it! Yeah, whatever, man.
Those guys were a-holes.
Yeah, they did kind of suck, Jason.
Thank you.
"Six U.
S.
senators" does not suck! Guys, we can debate their level of suckiness later.
Right now we agreed to check out all the houses together? Fine.
We're doing that.
This is the only house we haven't been to Omega Sig.
[ "Middle of the road" by the pretenders plays .]
Oh, this place is a joke.
Look at their pamphlet.
No achievements, no awards.
The entire inside is blank.
Gentlemen The inside of the pamphlet is empty for a reason.
The future has yet to be written.
The page is for you to fill in.
Oh, I like the sound of that.
Do you? That's good 'cause I just came up with it.
Why don't you guys come in and join the festivities? Oh.
By the way, my name's Mike Reno, and this is Caroline.
Next week, Reno? Mike: Mm-hmm.
Whew.
What can I say? She's a nature lover.
Come on, guys.
Get in the road come on, now [ Camera shutter clicks .]
In the middle of the road, yeah Yeah, welcome to paradise, boys! Do what they say, say hey, beer guy! How about some beverages for our new arrivals? You told me something wrong Oh, my God.
This could be dangerous.
I think my eyes have officially left the prize.
I wish Chang was here to see this.
Don't be swayed, guys.
At most, this is only the second-best house on campus.
And I can't even say that with any certainty.
Fellas, enjoy yourselves.
Mingle with the natives.
You, my good man, come with me.
Cheers.
Perhaps I should explain myself.
Oh, no, no, no.
No need to explain.
Hey, turbo! Yo! I think I've got another candidate for the beast.
The beast is gonna love this guy! Come on.
The beast? The beast.
The harder he falls Joel.
[ Chuckles .]
Hey, look.
It's the lone wolf.
Hey! Actually, I've kind of been rethinking the whole "lone wolf" theory.
It had a few holes in it.
[ Chuckles .]
Yeah, I think so, too.
And maybe if you rush the house, we'll be seeing more of each other.
So, Joel Hey.
I know this party can't compare to maiming a mannequin with a station wagon, but we do try.
Ah.
You remembered.
I was hoping that you didn't.
How is Barbara, by the way? Oh, never better.
We made her severed leg into a bong.
[ Crunches .]
[ Spitting .]
Hector! Who the hell made this guac? Guys, bathroom? No? Okay.
That's Hey.
Bathroom? Over there? Thanks.
[ "White rabbit" by Jefferson airplane plays .]
Whoa.
This isn't the bathroom.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.
Come in.
There's plenty for all of us.
Come.
Partake.
UhOkay.
One [ Crowd chanting .]
Unleash the beast! Unleash the beast! This is a bad idea! So bad! No great man has ever consumed beer from a device this size! Suck up, freshman, okay? This is a one-way ticket a one-way ticket to happy town! Bernie, unleash the beast, baby! Let's go! Man: Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug! Whoo! [ Cheering .]
Go, go, go, go! Go, go, go, go! [ Ding! .]
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! T.
P.
! Yeah.
Leaving a fantastic party on an emergency guacamole run may seem extreme, Joel, but you have to stand for something and be ready to draw the line.
Ah.
Bad guacamole is where I draw mine.
How about you? I don't I don't know.
I guess I haven't found my guacamole yet.
Ah, someday.
[ Avocado rattles .]
Someday.
Oh, boy.
Look at this.
Hmm? Beautiful yet unaccompanied.
Bottle of wine, some bubble bath.
Not to mention a classic heels-and-skirt combo.
She's obviously trying to cure the lonelies.
Mike: Ah It's a great year for chardonnay.
Really? Oh, I had no idea.
Oh, yeah.
Also a great year for bubble bath.
You know, it's a shame on a night such as this the two of us have to spend it alone.
You look like you have plenty of company.
Hmm? Oh, th these these guys.
Mm.
They're just two of my most prized students.
Oh.
See, I'm a Professor here at the university.
I believe that the gift of knowledge has no office hours.
On the other hand, I'd be willing to drop them off if Oh, no, don't drop them off.
I have a really big bathtub.
Hmm! UhYeah, I like bubble baths.
Do you? Yeah.
Do you know what I like? Oh, no, no.
Not now, Hector.
So, you said you're a Professor.
What department are you in? Uh, the English department.
I teach early to late mid-century literature.
I also teach in the English department.
[ Chuckling .]
Do you? I do.
My students call me Professor Larson.
I really find it strange that I haven't seen you around.
A good-looking colleague like you I'm sure I would have noticed.
Man: Here you go.
Nice try, kid.
It's been fun.
[ Chuckles weakly .]
Hector, remind me to change my major to English on Monday.
[ Coughing .]
[ Chuckling .]
Man, I love this place.
I never want to leave.
Bill: Exactly.
That's why I've been here since 1976.
You've been in the fraternity for 10 years? Time is a fluid concept, you know, man? I mean, sometimes it seems like I've been here for 30,000s of years, and other times, merely a moment.
[ Chuckling .]
Did you hear I mean, I heard pot makes you smart, but That's some deep stuff.
Hmm.
Man: Well, that's why they call him "the oracle.
" Listen, the thing to remember here, Paul, is Eli.
My my name's Eli.
Names aren't important, David.
Right.
What is important is that everything that I am, I owe to this house and the standards set by one man, and that's the great Steve Byerson.
Byerson.
Byerson.
Byerson.
I-I'm sorry.
Who who is Steve Byerson? The fact that nobody knows who the legendary Steve Byerson is is a flat-out injustice.
That's his portrait hanging on the mantelpiece downstairs.
He's a lover, you know.
He's a fighter, you know? He's a connoisseur of fine booze and extreme premium herbage.
I had no idea.
And that's what kills me.
It's like I'm trying not to get mad but there's been seven Nobel peace prize winners here at this campus, there's been nine Pulitzer prize winners, and there's been one Heisman trophy winner, and they're all celebrated at heritage hall.
But nowhere and I mean nowhere except this house is a man like Steve Byerson recognized and given the respect that he deserves, and that, my friends, is a damn travesty, okay? Dude, give me my bong, like, now because I just need calm.
I-I don't I know you're a new guy.
I didn't mean to be like It's not your fault, whatever.
Eli: I'm sorry.
I Lift it higher 'cause of my back.
Sorry.
That's the whole reason why I started smoking in the first place.
Sorry.
Move it out a little bit.
All right, now Hold it a little lower so I can I'll try not to Hold it still.
Just hold it still.
Ready? Yeah, I'm ready, dude.
I love the beast! I do! I love it! We know.
And the beast loves you, too! Jason: I love the beast! Music-go-round Bill: A fighter.
A lover.
A travesty, you know? A damn travesty.
He deserves so much more.
We're the kids Come to the light, Joel.
Don't be afraid.
The light is good, Joel.
W-what's going on? Well, judging from what time you got in last night and the distinct scent of alcohol, I'd say you tied one on pretty good.
You sleep like a baby, by the way.
Hated to wake you.
Then why did you? [ Click .]
Eli: Joel! Joel, it's me Eli! All I can say is, prepare to have your minds blown! You got to tell the others! [ Beep .]
I'm very stoned.
Scared.
[ Voice cracking .]
Second floor.
Heritage hall.
Help! Help me! [ Beep .]
This is my last dime.
Just tell my mom I love her.
Give Brian my lambskins.
Joel, take my magazines and hand lotion.
You're gonna need it.
And please look after Chang for me, okay? Goodbye, world.
Goodbye.
[ Beep .]
"Goodbye, world"? [ Click .]
[ "True" by Spandau Ballet plays .]
[ Door opens .]
Julie: Rise and shine, "j.
" Time for the morning Paper.
Whoa! Huh? What happened? Ohh, my head! What happened in here? I'd say rush night got a little out of control.
You got this drunk at the zeta rho house? Funny thing.
[ Chuckles .]
I actually kind of ended up spending most of the night with the, uh Omega Sigs.
Frankly, I found the zetas to be a little stiff Possibly a little racist.
Besides, I believe you would find the omegas have a-a unique charm.
Oh, I would, would I? I mean, take butter knife, for example Just a phenomenal young man.
Always in time [ Sniffs .]
Oh, my God! Did you pee the bed? Maybe.
I'm sorry.
[ Chuckling .]
People pee their beds all the time, right? It's a it's a natural part of of growing up.
Oh, I thought you were grown up, Jason! We had a plan! You were pledging zeta rho, and I was going kappa theta.
Then we're both gonna make honor society.
You were gonna go to law school, and I was gonna work as a speech writer for senate majority leader Bob dole! We can still do that! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Can we, Jason? I have urine on my hand! And worse, I'm not even sure who you are anymore.
I'm exactly the man you think I am.
I-I love Ronald Reagan and and monogrammed pajamas and, as I learned last night, I'm also a sucker for an industrial beer bong With nine hoses, but that does not make me a bad person.
No, it makes me an idiot.
I turned down Yale for you.
[ Scoffs .]
I wanted to go to Yale! They just didn't want me! Yeah, they were smart! [ Knock on door .]
I'm sorry to interrupt the love fest, but, Jason, we need to talk to you.
Go right ahead.
I was just leaving.
Ju [ Sighs .]
Jason: What kind of trouble did this idiot get himself into? I don't know.
I only know what was on the message.
And why didn't he leave me anything? Brian, you get the lambskins, Joel gets the lotion What do I get? I'm more than happy to pass on the lambskins, man.
Hey, you can always help look after Chang.
Oh, just what I need.
Thank you.
[ "Da da da" by trio plays .]
That's not good.
Aha Oh, no.
And this one is locked, too.
Damn it.
Hey, guys! Guys! Over here! There's an open window.
Come on.
Da da da Are you serious? We're really going in there? A friend leaves a freaked-out message saying "goodbye, world"? What do you suggest we do? Well, I wouldn't suggest we trespass.
This is crazy.
This is so crazy.
We should not be doing this.
Don't get your panties in a knot.
[ Pulsating tone .]
I don't love you, you don't love me da da da I don't love you, you don't love me da da da I don't love you, you don't love me Oh.
da da da Oh, my God.
Ohh.
Da da da Eli: [ Muffled .]
Guys? Did you hear that? Guys.
Guys, is that you? Eli? Eli: Oh-ho! Eli! Hey! [ Chuckles .]
Eli! Brian: Oh, my God.
Are you all right? Eli: Okay, okay.
Oh.
[ Chuckling nervously .]
Are you okay? Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, you guys are like green berets and Navy seals combined.
Did you steal this from the omega house?! The house we're trying to get into? Okay, okay.
Just promise me you're not gonna spaz until I give you the whole explanation.
Are you insane?! Shh! No, but I was stoned.
Like, really stoned with some sort of hybrid super cannabis.
Oh! I'm sorry! I never smoked pot before, okay? And the oracle was talking about Steve Byerson and the travesties of justice.
Hold on, hold on.
Who's the oracle? Bill Stankowski.
[ "White rabbit" by Jefferson airplane plays .]
You guys didn't meet him? Well, he's been in the house for 10 years.
I mean, really cool, super smart.
[ Chuckling .]
He opened my eyes to things.
So I was up there with the painting, and and I heard a noise, so I thought security's coming, so I bugged out, called Joel, pooped somewhere, hid in the air vent What, you you you pooped? And then I might have thrown the Heisman trophy out the window.
Okay.
Why would you do that? Does the term "baked to the gills" mean anything to you? I mean, I passed out in the vent, for God's sakes! [ Sighs .]
Guys, it's 6:30 in the morning.
We could still get this painting back to the omega house before anyone knows it's gone.
Yeah, Joel's right.
The guys in the house, they're gonna be so hungover, they'll be asleep till noon.
[ "I fought the law" by the clash plays .]
Aaah! Let's go! Let's go! Breakin' rocks in the hot sun I fought the law and the law won Guys, guys, look at this.
Look at this.
Crap! We're spotted.
No, no, you don't know that, right? He might have missed us.
[ Beep .]
I got 'em.
And he didn't miss us.
He's going for the stairs.
Well, how are we gonna get out? Okay.
Just, uh don't panic.
Just just think.
What would MacGyver do? I fought the law and the law won I fought the law and the Oh.
[ Chuckles .]
[ Chuckles .]
I can't believe that worked! I knew it, I knew it! Officer: Good morning, boys! [ Laughs .]
Jason: Excuse me, sir.
I am, uh, Jason Wilson of the Pennsylvania Wilsons.
Does that name mean anything to you? Does "taser" mean anything to you? [ Taser zaps .]
If you boys ever want your clothes back, sit down and shut up! Good idea.
Yes, sir.
We're toast at that fraternity now All because Eli decided to dance with the devil's lettuce.
I'm sorry, guys.
Okay, this is my fault.
All I wanted to do when I came to college was to have cool friends and get laid.
I know you guys think I'm some sort of ladies' man or whatever because I'm always talking about sex.
ButThe truth is, that's a bunch of crap.
[ Claps legs .]
I'm a virgin.
No.
Really? [ Chuckling .]
Yeah, I know, right? Me.
I mean I hide it well.
But that fraternity was gonna change everything.
But now I'm stuck trolling for dorm ass, and worst off, I don't have cool friends 'cause you guys hate me.
Look, Eli, we don't hate you.
[ Damon clapping .]
You barnacles make me ill.
You rush our house, party with us, then steal our property.
Why not take a steaming dump in the middle of our living room? To think there was talk last night of giving you guys bids.
[ Scoffs .]
Let's get out of here before I get emotional.
I'm the one who stole the painting.
Joel, don't.
Someone said to me that these are extreme times, and you have to draw a line.
Now, a stolen painting, a molested Heisman trophy extreme A drawn line Or an act of idiocy? Well, that's That's tough to say.
But I can say that these Brave, brave men were merely assisting a fallen comrade.
Man, how do you expect to be taken serious when you got your nut bag hanging out your drawers? [ Taser zapping .]
[ Screaming .]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay.
Officer, all due respect [ Crying loudly .]
Nothing says "party's over" like a tased scrotum.
Shall we? No, come on.
Just Hey.
We let you drink our beer.
You met the beast! Damon: Let's get the painting and get out of here.
Tase the rest of them! Take your hand away.
[ All groaning .]
I really appreciate you helping us out like this, coach.
Yeah, well, all my players get one pass from me Especially a guy with a 95-mile-an-hour fastball.
Look, Brian, when I walked out of that whorehouse, a 12-year-old boy with a newly christened pecker, my daddy gave me some powerful advice.
He said, "son, you'll always be judged by the company you keep.
" I thought he was trying to teach you the difference between sex and love.
It was a different day, different lesson.
Are you even listening? Look, the point is, you got a golden ticket in that arm of yours.
Let me ask you one question.
Do you think hanging out with guys like this Is a good idea? Trust me It's not.
[ "It must be love" by madness plays .]
Yeah, let's go.
I never thought I'd miss you You all right, buddy? To be honest with you, no.
I'm not I'm not good.
And I never thought I'd feel this way hi! The way I feel about you Mr.
Haines: You capitalist pig! Return my 50 cents or release my twinkie! Every day I'm a teacher! I know that it's you I need to take the blues away it must be love Hello, old friends.
Love, love I'm back.
It must be love Julie! Hey! I've been looking all over for you.
Nothing more, nothing less love is the best how can it be that we can say so much without words? Is everything all right? You seem distracted.
What? Bless you and bless me Did you say something? Bless the bees and the birds I've got to be near you every night [ Exhales loudly .]
Every day Nicely done, Paulina.
It's good to have the old team back together again.
Any other way [ Sighs .]
[ Door opens .]
Whoa! Whoa! Chang! Where you been, man? It must be love It's nonstop calculus over there.
Yeah, yeah.
Go take a nap, man.
Nothing more, nothing less love is the best [ Men booing .]
Okay, glass eye is a no-go.
[ Projector clicks .]
Damon: What the hell is this? I thought I pulled that slide.
Before you go all Chernobyl on me, I think we need to discuss these guys.
Fine.
Let's start by discussing the way they disgraced this house.
It's true.
They were caught naked on campus with the, uh, damaged Heisman and the Byerson painting, which, I suppose, in some circles, may be considered a crime.
But the real crime is the fact that we didn't think of it first.
Four freshmen Came up with the stunt of the year, and I had nothing to do with it.
None of us did.
But more important than who did it is the simple yet irrefutable fact that for a few brief yet glorious hours, Steve Byerson was hanging in the university's hall of fame.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, oh.
Um, are you gonna tell me, though, if that actually really happened? 'Cause that's really awesome, and I definitely need to meet those guys.
Have you forgotten that this house is under serious scrutiny from our national chapter? And now you want to let in four guys who just got arrested? Not to mention the fact that these idiots stole from us! I-instead of discussing whether or not we should let them in this house, we should be discussing how hard we're gonna kick their asses.
[ Clears throat .]
Okay, then.
Well I guess there's only one thing left to do.
Zack: Help! Aah! What the [ Zack screaming .]
[ Whistle blowing .]
Unhand him, you thieves! [ Whistle blowing .]
Aah! [ Whistle blowing .]
Gentleman, remove your pillow cases! Congratulations, men.
You're now officially omega sig pledges, baby.
[ Cheering .]
[ "I want to be sedated" by the Ramones plays .]
Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go I wanna be sedated [ Chanting .]
Omega sig! Omega sig! Get me to the airport, put me on a plane hurry, hurry, hurry, before I go insane I can't control my fingers, I can't control my brain no, no, no, no Hector! My man! Hey! You got the glow of a man who's found his guacamole.
Do I? Or is it just the 20,000 volts I took to the 'nads the other day? Either way, it suits you.
[ Clears throat .]
Incidentally, you'll never guess what I found in the, uh, Byerson shrine After the painting was taken.
Yeah, you may want to give it back to your fallen comrade, the one you took the bullet for? The bonds of brotherhood.
Some people say that's why we join fraternities.
Oh, really? 'Cause I had heard it was for the free beer.
[ Laughs .]
No, Joel.
That just facilitates the bonding.
Oh, God.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I, uh, I see some pledges that need to meet the beast.
Do it.
Christie.
Hey, look at you, Mr.
omega pledge.
I know.
It's crazy, right? I think it's great.
And you did say we'd be seeing more of each other if I was in the house, right? Oh, definitely.
My boyfriend, Damon, is a member, so I'm here all the time.
Have you met him? Yeah, yeah.
We sort of met If you can call it that.
Okay, well, have fun.
I'll see you later.
Yeah.
Yes! Hey, buddy! [ Chuckling .]
Hey! It baffles me we didn't get hazed.
I love it.
This is the greatest night of my life! [ Cheering .]
Welcome to the other side of pledgeship, gentlemen! I hope you all didn't think it was all champagne, cigars, giggles, and high-fives.
Your life belongs to now.
If I need my butt wiped at 3:00 A.
M.
, somebody better be there to do it.
Is that understood?! Together: Yes, sir! Good.
By the way, just to let you all know, I will never ask you to do anything involving my butt.
I'm gonna ask you a lot, but nothing involving my butt.
Is that understood?! Together: Yes, sir! Good.
Now For the most important ritual of pledgeship.
Each and every brother in this fraternity carries this symbol of commitment.
So, how bad do you want it, gentlemen? How bad do you want to be a part of this fraternity?! Is it just some kind of social outlet Or do you really want it?! Together: We want it! Do you want it?! Together: We want it! Do you want it?! Together: We want it! I want it! Give it! No, no! No, no! No! No! [ Sizzles .]
Oh! Oh ho ho! Oh, my God! [ Sobbing hysterically .]
Dude, mine's just fake! Look, mine's just fa Oh, he just put it on his ass! It's fake?! It's fake, bro! We pasted this on my ass.
We need a medic! You okay? No, no, no, no.
No, it's a good burn.
It's a good burn.
It's a good burn? Does it look as good as it feels? It looks great.
Really? 'Cause 'cause 'cause I feel great! [ Laughing .]
That's the greatest thing I've ever seen.
I feel good, omega sig! Omega sig! [ Cheering .]
It's gonna be one special group.
[ Laughs .]