Glory Daze (2010) s01e02 Episode Script
Fake Me Home Tonight
For the most important ritual of pledgeship.
So, how bad do you want it, gentlemen? How bad do you want to be a part of this fraternity?! Together: We want it! Do you want it?! Together: We want it! Do you want it?! Together: We want it! I want it! Give it! No, no! No, no! No, no! [ Sizzling .]
Joel: You know, my dad says there are moments in life you wish would last forever, and there are moments you'd like to have back.
Now, what he'd say about this, I have no clue.
We weren't gonna brand you.
Mine is fake! It's fake? It's fake! It's fake?! Ohh, my ass.
Ohh.
Ohh.
How does it look? Does it look as bad as it feels? Well, does it does it feel like a really bad idea? Because, I mean, that's That's what it looks like from here.
Where is the doctor? Joel, you're premed.
What do you think? Do you think it's infected? Eli, I've only been premed for a week, but Ohh, that oozing can't be good.
[ Door closes .]
Aspiring physician I like that.
[ Inhales deeply .]
Who fried bacon in here? That's not bacon, sir.
That's ourFriend.
Whoa! Fraternity brand, huh? Let me guess.
They held you down like a squealing pig.
A-actually, I-I did it to myself.
Oh.
Ha ha! To be young.
And you shoube experimenting with your body in these times, especially when you're in the company of like-minded men, men who you trust Who don't judge.
You know what I mean.
No, IDon't.
[ Chuckles .]
I think you do.
Of course, at your age, I was in WWII.
You don't remember Pearl Harbor, do you? That'll give you something to cry about.
Anyway, island hopping across the Pacific gives you some strange ideas about what it really means To be a man.
Brian: Wow.
"Jap killer.
" Mm-hmm.
Any regrets? Every day.
Especially now that I'm married To a Japanese woman.
But I wouldn't take any of it back.
Youth is the time to make mistakes, boys.
[ Slap .]
Cherish it.
[ Groans .]
I'm sorry.
Uh, Dr.
jap killer, if we could maybe hurry this up.
I've got a charred butt cheek.
Oh, yeah, right! Thank you.
Um"Feldman.
" Bite down on something.
Premed, you and I are gonna count to three What? And then we're gonna rip this underwear off the wound.
What?! One, two What?! Bite! Aaaah! Aaaaaaahhh! [ Cries .]
[ "Strip" by Adam ant plays .]
Joel? Is he gonna be okay? Who, the fainter? He'll be fine.
I'm not sure he's cut out for premed, though.
Well, look at this.
That's something for the scrapbook.
"Glory Daze" - Season 1, episode 2 "Fake Me Home Tonight" Eli, what is it with you and this Stankowski guy? Well, he's the coolest guy I've ever met, and he single-handedly changed my life with one meeting.
You know he's been in this house since 1976? He's been in college for 10 years? Yeah, well, where else would a brilliant mind like find fulfillment? [ Knock on door .]
Stankowski: Entrada! [ '80s music plays .]
[ Coughing .]
Hey, bros.
Why do pot and fulfillment always smell so similar? Guys, I can't go in there.
As a young republican, I vowed to say no to pot And fulfillment.
Guys, come on.
We can't keep him waiting.
All right.
You sure? [ Nasally voice .]
I've never been more sure of anything in my life.
[ Coughs .]
[ Door closes .]
Gentlemen, Stankowski is eager to welcome you to the house.
He likes to nurture new pledges.
I heard about the self-inflicted gluteus injury.
Hey, little man, I made you some salve.
It's got bamboo, guava, and crushed aspirin in it.
Apply it to the affected area 5 to 8 times a day generously.
Thank you.
I-I was a fool to have trusted Western medicine.
No, no, no.
Western medicine has its place.
Okay.
Thank you.
And you, premed.
I have the lost journals of Dr.
Joseph lister, the father, so to speak, ofModern surgery.
[ Coughs .]
That's unbelievable.
How did you get this? I had to trade some stuff for it, but whatever.
And you, Mr.
baseball.
You've got a good fastball, don't you? But you're still looking for your curve, huh? Coach always tells me I hold the ball too tight.
You know, the great satchel Paige had that same problem, and they say that he had to cup a rabbit to practice his light grip.
I don't have a rabbit, but I do happen to have this.
Hey, Leonard.
What's up? I love him, uh, but I think that maybe you need him more than I do at this moment in time.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Oh.
Oh, God.
He's peeing in my hand.
Oh, that means he likes you.
Oh Great.
[ '80s music plays .]
Amazing.
Now I know why they call him the oracle.
Oh, by the way, Stankowski wanted you to have this.
Yeah, he said it would provide the answers that you seek.
Is this a bong? Yeah.
Who said I needed answers? Stankowski did.
Isn't he a giver? That's why every year for his birthday, it's tradition that this house gives back to him.
We celebrate Friday, guys.
You can express your gratitude then.
Come on.
South Africa a nation longing to redefine itself Like a caged bird yearning for flight Or a husband praying for sanity in the carnage of a poisoned marriage.
Yeah, that's good.
I like that.
Let's hear it some.
How does this thing rewind? Oh, come on![ Tape rewinds .]
[ High-pitched voice .]
Caged bird yearning for flight.
Come on.
Professor Haines? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doin'? Office hours don't start until 8:30.
I know.
I'm sorry, sir.
I saw you through the window, and I thought I heard you say, "come in.
" I Oh, look, Professor Haines.
If I knew that you were living in your office, I would have never Oh, what are you saying? That a man can't have a cot and a blanket in his own office? [ Toaster dings .]
Or a toaster? Look, I'm trying to finish a book on the shifting identity of nations, okay? Sometimes I like to work late into the evening.
I'm not sure if you know the phrase "publish or perish"? No, sir, but I-I'm only a freshman.
But"Perish" certainly doesn't sound good.
Well, it's not.
This kind of pressure can destroy a marriage.
Not that my marriage is destroyed.
I can sleep at home anytime I want, assuming that the locks haven't been changed and that the judge rules in my favor.
Okay, well Listen, sir.
I just I know we didn't get off to such a good start in class, right? And I just wanted to stop by and You know, make sure things weren't Awkward between us.
Is it awkward now? [ Bell rings .]
[ '80s music plays .]
Mike: On the horizon is one of the most important events on the omega sig's social calendar Bill Stankowski's birthday.
This year he turns 32.
[ Cheers and applause .]
To prepare for this, we will break you up into groups to provide the following items hot dogs, plastic cups, and ice.
But, most importantly, it's an honored tradition at this house for the last 10 years someone will get Stankowski's gift.
[ Chuckling .]
God knows what he'll want this year.
Oh, we'll do it! We will? Yeah.
You don't even know what he wants yet.
Doesn't matter.
No, we got it.
No, we got it! We got it! Suckers! Damon: All right.
I like the ambition.
Stankowski Are you ready to tell us what gift you want this year? Pegasus.
Those are imaginary.
Then I'm not ready.
I am not.
For that I must conclave.
[ Heavenly chanting .]
So we were hoping for no conclave this year, but apparently Stankowski: Hey.
[ Chanting stops .]
Um [ Stankowski clears throat .]
[ Heavenly chanting resumes .]
Tradition stands, gentlemen.
[ Chanting continues .]
May wisdom find you.
Thanks, bro.
[ Chanting continues .]
[ '80s music plays .]
[ Locks clicking .]
Eli, what did you get us into? Don't worry about it, man.
This is gonna be great.
You know, perhaps it's not too late to switch to the hot dogs.
Seriously? Mmm! You know, I volunteered for Stankowski's gift my freshman year.
We had six hours to get him a taxidermied gila monster.
Did you get it? That's not really the point.
In the words of our esteemed founder, Steve Byerson, "the adventure is in the quest.
" So, who you gonna be adventure men or hot-dog men? Hot-dog men.
Hot hot-dog men? I say we go for the quest.
Eli: You know I'm in.
Yeah, I'm in.
Huh? Come on, Jason.
Guys.
Come on, man.
Fine, we'll quest.
Quest! Quest! Quest! Quest! Yeah! Nicely done, boys.
Keep your eyes open.
Let the adventure come you.
[ Romantic '80s music plays .]
Listen, Julie We both know my first week of college had its ups and downs.
Now, getting drunk and urinating in my bed was definitely a down.
But don't let it color your opinion of the omega sigs.
Okay, but what about their reputation, Jason? I mean, did you know they have a 32-year-old burnout just living in that house? Listen, these are good guys, Julie unorthodox, yes, but They're they're free spirits.
Do you know what senate majority leader Bob dole would say about a free spirit? I do, and it troubles me.
But the important thing is my mattress is dry, and I'm refocusing, and Just to prove it to you, I made you this special mixtape.
Let these songs tell you how I feel.
Jason Seven of these songs are from your Valentine's day mix.
N-no.
Yes! "Just can't get enough.
" "Stuck on you" by Lionel Richie.
I mean, is this how you're gonna tell me how you feel, by giving me a rehashed tape? No.
Really? Julie That's what I love about you, you know? You push me to be a better man! Idiot! [ '80s music plays .]
[ Music stops .]
Joel! Hey! Hey.
What? You know, those things work better when they're On your ears.
Oh, yeah.
I'm a pirate.
[ Laughs .]
No, no, I'm not really a pirate.
Sorry.
So, have you, uh, picked a topic for your polisci paper yet? No, not yet.
But, as you may have noticed, I kind of made a fool of myself in front of Professor Haines.
And the rest of the class.
Yeah.
Thanks for reminding me.
[ Scoffs .]
Sorry.
Uh-oh.
Hey! Hey! Are you hazing one of our pledges? I didn't know I was allowed to haze your pledges.
Well, you're dating the president of the fraternity.
What should we make him do 20 push-ups, jump in that fountain over there, streak the quad? [ Giggles .]
Joel, I'm kidding.
[ Chuckles .]
[ Laughs .]
No.
You should relax, try to enjoy this pledge thing a little bit.
No, I am.
I'm really enjoying it, man.
I'm just I'm kind of nervous about what Stankowski's gonna want this year.
Yeah, the wait can be pretty nerve-racking.
Yeah.
That's why I chose hot dogs.
Man, those were good.
Anyway, I'll see you after class.
Mmm.
You sure you don't want him to jump in the fountain? Well I'll do it.
Kidding! I know you would! [ Laughs .]
Take care, man.
All right.
He's a good guy dbmon.
[ Chuckles .]
You know, when we first met, I didn't even realize that you had a boyfriend, but, uh Ydo.
[ Chuckles .]
It's fun.
You should get one.
You know what I mean a girlfriend.
Yeah.
Okay, I'll I'll see you later.
Okay.
Awesome.
[ '80s music plays .]
Wow, what are the odds of that? Professor Larson Long time, no see.
Excuse me? Well, after our little rendezvous at the grocery store last week, I was so inspired Decided to sign up for your class.
Uh, I'm sorry.
I'm not sure I'm following you.
Oh, come on.
Surely you remember our meeting at the grocery store.
I believe your cart had some bubble bath and chardonnay.
Mine had toilet paper, avocados, and a little Mexican man.
Hmm.
You'd think I would remember that, but if you don't mind, I have a class to teach.
If you do decide to stay, here is a syllabus.
You will be expected to catch up on the reading.
Oh, the reading.
Mm.
Just one page? I'll finish this right now.
[ Clears throat .]
I really appreciate a, uh, Professor who understands the difference between quality and quantity.
Yeah, I'm done, guys.
[ Bell rings .]
You know, you really bring Tennyson alive.
Who knew Victorian poetry could inspire the modern man? Mr.
Reno, let's get something straight.
Ah.
You said my name, so ydo remember.
Yes, but I'm afraid you may have mistaken our witty supermarket banter for something more than it is.
It's possible.
Mm.
Should we get together this evening and discuss my confusion, maybe throw in a little Tennyson? I have a faculty meeting.
I have a flexible schedule.
Do you? Amongst other things.
How about this afternoon? Mm, aerobics class.
Get serious, Mr.
Reno, or drop the class.
You know, this will all happen a lot faster between us if you stop talking in code.
[ Bell tolling .]
We have a decision! Stankowski has made a decision! [ Cheers and applause .]
[ Engine buzzing .]
Ah, another conclave ends.
Another adventure begins.
[ Slow-tempo '80s music plays .]
May 11, 1981 Mm.
Was the day that Bob Marley died.
I remember I was really lonely And really confused Really lonely Until I met this old gypsy lady.
She had like an ounce of hindu kush, and she also had the greatest beer that I ever tasted in my life.
We can't get you that woman.
You know our policy on gypsies.
Stankowski.
[ Snaps fingers .]
Hi.
No gypsies.
No, I knowThat.
But if I could have that beer again, you know, just rolling around my tongue with my taste buds activated, that'd be really righteous.
I can remember it like it was just yesterday, you know? Enbrau the beer's called "Enbrau.
" [ '80s music plays .]
All right, gentlemen The adventure begins 10 cases of Enbrau beer for tonight.
Joel: All right.
Got it.
Did you see that? All he wants is beer.
All right, this quest is gonna make us heroes.
Eli, how are four freshmen supposed to buy 10 cases of Enbrau beer? Fake I.
D.
s.
Do you have a fake I.
D.
? No.
No, I just kind of thought one of you guys did.
Joel: I don't I don't have a fake I.
D.
Mnh-mnh.
No.
All right, y'all better not mess this up! 'Cause Stankowski does not handle disappointment well.
That's why he started smoking that weed.
All right? A quest is a beautiful thing, boys.
It says a lot about the kind of men you are.
The kind of men who need fake I.
D.
s.
Any thoughts? Oh, Joel.
All I have are thoughts.
Operation Enbrau, boys.
Yes! See, guys, this is what college is about You know, four friends on a mission to buy fake I.
D.
s, the open highway, a cool car [ Horn honks .]
Some rockin'Tunes.
[ "Take on me" by a-ha plays on car stereo .]
Hey! Guys! What the hell is this? Man, this isn't rockin' tunes.
Well, I'm test-driving my latest mixtape for Julie.
Every song specifically chosen to win her over, and it all builds to A-Ha's "Take on Me.
" It's a perfect climax.
All right, on behalf of the guys, I have to ask Were you born without testicles, or did they just shrivel up and die over time? Don't pass judgment until you've heard the whole tape.
Just close your eyes and pretend you're Julie.
Here.
[ Music stops, cassette ejects .]
We'll start from the beginning.
Uh, no [ Cassette player clicks .]
[ Sappy '80s music plays .]
Oh, my God.
Brian: Oh, good God.
[ '80s dance music plays .]
Instructor: 6, 7.
And up.
Left, 1, 2, 3, and up.
[ Music continues .]
May I cut in? Thank you! Really? You're doing this? Yeah, I thought you'd appreciate the opportunity to see me in vertical stripes.
Not many men could pull this off, you know.
Now let's see if you can keep up.
Ohh.
Keeping up's one of my specialities.
All right.
Keep it up.
Whoo! [ Sappy '80s music continues .]
[ Music stops .]
[ Dog barking .]
Hey, are you sure this is right? Yeah, according to the map, this is the place.
Well, trickle-down economics has clearly not trickled down here yet.
[ Door rattling .]
[ Barking continues .]
Hello? What do you want? What do you want? We have an appointment to see Marcus.
Who? Are you alone? Anybody follow you? No, it's just us.
Are you sure? Come on, hurry up.
Get in.
Get in here.
I'm Marcus.
Come on.
Let's go.
Come on.
Come on.
Bring it in.
Bring it in.
Come on.
Brian: I thought Reno said this guy was an artist.
Oh, I am an artist.
I certainly don't do this for the sheer pleasure of giving underage kids the chance to illegally purchase alcohol I'll tell you that.
Well, in fairness, sir, it's not just any alcohol.
We're on a mission to purchase Enbrau.
Yeah, we certainly didn't mean to question your integrity, sir.
Good, because if all you want are fake I.
D.
s, there are plenty of bullshit artists out there that would be happy to waste your time, but I don't make fake I.
D.
s, okay? I create new lives.
What's your name again? Uh, Joel.
Harrington.
Not anymore.
From now on, your name will be Matthew Portersmith, born April 7, 1964.
You're from St.
Louis, Missouri.
Where are you from? St St.
Louis, Missouri That's right.
Good.
Good answer.
Stephen Moynihan, December 12, 1963, Portland, Oregon.
"Stephen"? I really like that.
Ohh, that makes me so happy.
[ Voice breaking .]
Thank you.
[ Breathes deeply .]
Cornelius Buttonshaw.
Chappaqua, New York.
Um July 17, 1964 Period.
Does it have to be "Cornelius"? Yes, Cornelius, it dohave to be Cornelius Cornelius, Cornelius, Cornelius.
[ Clears throat .]
And you, my good man, you shall be James Joseph Murphy.
Ooh Hmm? [ Chuckles weakly .]
Anybody got a problem with that? It's great.
Look, Marcus, uh, I respect your art, okay, I do I do.
It's just, in this new life of mine, you think I could remain Jewish Huh? You know, it'd kind of be important to my Nana.
All right, fine.
Fine.
Then you will be Murphy Witz Berg Stein berg Murphberg.
Murphbergstein? Murphberg.
Murphberg.
Got a problem with that? No, that sounds distinguished.
I like that.
Anybody else want to be Jewish? I'm catholic.
[ '80s music plays .]
Don't smile.
Don't move.
On the line.
Good! And now, ladies and gentlemen, thanks to my patented laminating process and the wonders of the commodore 64 personal computer, I present to you your boarding passes to your new lives.
Mr.
Portersmith.
Thanks.
And get down! Everybody, get down and hit the floor! I knew when I saw that shiny car outside, this was gonna be my lucky day.
Now, let me see some wallets, fancy boys! Mom, your boyfriend's robbing me again! You shut your face, Marcus! Mom! Marcus' mom: You heard him Shut it! Now, who got the keys to that shiny BMW? Jason! HandHim YourKeys! Can't give him my car.
My dad will kill me.
Don't be a hero, Cornelius.
Pain is his hobby.
[ Gun cocks .]
Why do you date this guy?! Give 'em up! For having needs! Marcus' mom: Well, forgive me speaking of which, you need anything while I'm out? Another plunger and some lady speed stick! Sure thing, sweets.
Love you! [ Smooches .]
And surprise me with something from the frozen-food section [ Door closes .]
If you will! He's already gone, you stupid cow! I swear to God, as soon as I make some money, I'm moving out of here! [ Engine turns over .]
No.
No! No, no, no, no! [ "Take on me" by a-ha plays on car stereo .]
My mixtape.
Ooh, I like that song.
[ Scoffs .]
Thank you.
[ '80s music plays .]
Look, Jason, it's gonna be all right, man.
No, it's not.
The cross fades, the perfect pauses between songs, not to mention the landing I stuck on Phil Collins' "one more night.
" Aren't you a little more worried about yocar? Cars are insured.
That tape was my masterpiece.
At least Marcus let us keep the I.
D.
s for free, right? Fantastic a souvenir of the day Jason Wilson was replaced by a [Sighs.]
Carless, girlfriend-less Cornelius Buttonshaw.
Come on, guys, we can spend the next three hours reminiscing about the wonderful new friends we made, we can complete our mission and find Enbrau for Stankowski's party.
Well This might help.
Do you always carry money in your underwear? Well, you know how scared possums play dead? I shove money down my pants.
It's instinct.
It's a little sweaty.
[ '80s dance music plays .]
You know, I'm really enjoying this.
No more of this student-teacher awkwardness.
Yeah, just two people bonding over their love of fitness and the human form.
Exactly But I think we can share a lot more than just our love of jazzercise.
Instructor: Feel the burn.
And down.
You know, every semester, there's a guy just like you trying to get my attention.
Really? [ Applause .]
Whoo! Yeah.
I'll see you later.
Guy just like me? But you don't even know me yet.
I don't? Hmm.
All right, let's see.
I bet you're the kind of guy who wears slippers to a formal dinner as some kind of statement, and you wear a necktie to a barbecue just to keep people on their toes.
You have a very large record collection.
And you read obscure magazines featuring tasteful European-style nudity.
But you know what? Ooh.
Mostly, I think you're the kind of guy who finds it the pinnacle of achievement to slide through every situation with some quick wit and a really nice smile.
That's beautiful.
You don't really mince words, do you? So you're saying I should just quit and give up, drop out of class? Oh, Mr.
Reno, you disappoint me.
I thought you said you could keep up.
Oh, you're saying I shouldn't quit? Wait on you or class? [ Chuckles .]
Come on, give me a little hint.
Please? I wore dolphin shorts for you.
Eli: Brian, do you think you can carry me the rest of the way? My little legs can't keep up.
Absolutely not.
Joel: It's times like these you wish phones were mobile, right? Hey, guys, our luck is changing! Told you! [ Sighing .]
Oh! Oh, thank you so much.
Professor Haines.
You know, when I saw you on the side of the road, my first thought was to keep driving.
Actually, so was thoughts 2 through 9.
But then my liberal guilt kicked in.
We really appreciate it, sir, and I promise This is not gonna be awkward at all.
Stolen car, huh? Sounds like your day's going about as well as mine.
Any of you boys in a relationship? I am.
Although you might say we're going through a bit of a rough patch.
Mr.
Haines: Yeah.
You know, you see a nice girl, beautiful smile, curvaceous body, skin like buttered mocha [ Chuckles .]
You don't think about what could go wrong.
[ Chuckles .]
Oh, yeah, there were signs, sure tears on our wedding night [ Vehicle accelerating .]
Locking herself in the bathroom for an entire weekend, the incident with the u.
P.
S.
Guy.
But you look past those things because you love, you know? Uh, sir? But what about when it's her turn, huh? When you're struggling for tenure, you're under fire from the dean, your potency in the bedroom is lacking because of the constant struggle to publish, you know? Then where is the love? Where is the love?! [ Siren wails .]
Son of a bitch! [ police radio chatter .]
Okay.
Mr.
Buttonshaw Or should I say, Mr.
photogenic? [ Chuckling .]
Oh.
You're very kind.
You don't want to go to prison.
[ Chuckles .]
Mr.
Moynihan, there you go.
I'm Stephen.
Thank you.
Oh, no problem, Stephen.
Mr.
Portersmith.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you, sir.
Mr.
Murphowitzbergstein.
Thank you, sir.
You're not Larry's kid, are you? Uh, y No.
Yes? No.
No? [ Chuckles .]
You all sure do favor.
All in the forehead region I tell you.
Got a good forehead.
Wait till I tell Larry.
[ Chuckles .]
Yuh-oh.
Excuse me, fellas.
Aloysius Haines? Mm-hmm.
Are you aware your license has expired? What?! "What?!" Two months ago.
Well, officer, I can assure you it's an oversight.
I got a lot on my plate right now.
My wife and I are going through some issues Driving with an expired license is a misdemeanor.
You know the state gives me the authority to impound your car.
Well, what are the chances of you not exercising that authority? You don't know the month that I've had.
This so humiliating.
At least your car wasn't impounded.
I guess meeting a cop going through his own divorce has certain advantages, right? Solidarity between broken men? Brian: You know, it was kind of sweet.
When you two hugged, it was like two Or not.
Joel.
Huh? Joel, pull in here.
We still have to get Stankowski's gift.
No, we will, all right? I just got to get Haines back to campus first.
[ Coughing .]
Enbrau.
Do it now.
Do what? Nothing.
We're doing nothing, guys.
What are we not doing? We're doing nothing, sir.
[ Chuckles .]
[ Moans loudly .]
Joel, do you think you could, uh, pull into town here? I really have to go to the bathroom.
Eli, I think you can hold it, all right? No, I can't.
I really need to go.
You should pull over right now.
You know what? How about I find an open field, and you can go there? You knowI can't drop a loose deuce in an open field.
I need toilet paper that's part of a functioning bathroom! Use your head, man! He's fine.
Uh-oh.
Ooh, it's cresting.
Ohh, it's cresting, guys.
Whoo! Oh, oh, God! Someone hold my hand! Hold my hand! It's like I'm giving birth! I'm losing my clench! Mr.
Haines: For the love of God, would you pull over before he craps my car? It's turtle-heading, Joel! No! I'm a caged animal! I'm gonna take my pants off right now! No! Okay, Eli, I'll pull over! Okay! All right! I'm sorry, sir.
I just I just don't want him to crap your Volvo, you know? I know.
Thank you.
No, it's okay.
Jason: So, you teach political science.
You know, I happen to be a bit of a political buff myself.
You don't say.
Do you ever find yourself wishing Reagan could have a third term in office? Should I answer that or just start crying? Oh, geez.
Aah! Guys! Guys! Uh, I should probably use the bathroom, as well.
I'm gonna Jason, you should You should join me.
In the bathroom? [ Chuckles .]
I-I'll pass.
Thanks.
Jason! [ Stammers .]
Oh.
[ Chuckles .]
You know, I-I probably could drop a little something.
No, guys! Guys! [ Door slams .]
You got to go, you got to go, right? [ Chuckles .]
Ohh.
You know, my my clench is getting a little weak, too.
Yeah.
Prairie dog.
[ Chuckles .]
I got to I got to go.
Sure thing.
I'll just sit here and think about my life and punch myself in the ball bag.
Okay.
Be right back.
Just don't slam the door.
[ Door slams .]
Joel: Guys, what's going on? I've got a severely depressed Professor back there.
He's talking about his ball bag.
They don't have Enbrau, man.
What are you talking about? They don't have Enbrau.
It's some sort of weird import.
They don't even know what it looks like.
Guys, we've got an hour to get this beer.
All right? Someone's got to carry it.
[ '80s music plays .]
Enbrau.
No, yes, Enbrau.
E-n-b [ dial tone .]
Hello? Uh, yes, do you carry Enbrau beer? Enbrau? Yeah.
I believe it's German.
5'11", 160 pounds.
What does this what does this have to do with beer? Why are you yelling at me?! I apologize.
Wrong number.
I'm I'm very sorry for your loss, sir.
Yeah, okay.
Thank you, thank you.
[ Banging phone .]
Guys, that's 15 places.
Nobody carries Enbrau.
Oh, this is a disaster! [ "Take on me" by a-ha plays on car stereo .]
Woman: Oh, my God, I love this song! Check out that thing! That's my car! Hey, there's fancy boy! Woman: Whoo! Spring break '86! Yeah! At least we know your mixtape works Right? Guys, what the Hell is going on out here? Nothing.
Nothing.
We're good.
Everything's everything's good.
Good.
Oh, is it, Mr.
Murphowitzbergstein? We got four guys taking emergency dumps? You guys are chasing after some hot chicks in a convertible? Now, I'm depressed, but I'm not an idiot.
Now, what's going on here, "Portersmith"? Do you want the short version? Yeah! All right, well We're on a fraternity mission to buy 10 cases of Enbrau beer.
And, you know, first, we had to get fake I.
D.
s, you know, so we can buy the beer.
But then we showed up to this crazy house, and this guy came out in this robe.
And his mom was screaming! And then we got robbed, and the guy stole our car.
And then, you know and then Eli here He faked a diarrhea attack after we found you so we could buy the liquor here.
And then, you know, they don't have it, because Enbrau's some weird import.
No one does.
And then Jason's car His car came up, and so we started running Okay, fine.
You know, remind me to fake diarrhea next time you start one of your short stories.
[ Voice breaking .]
I'm sorry, sir.
I'm just a little worked up here.
Look, guys, as an educator, I'm obligated to say that in no way do I condone underage drinking.
Oh, I know.
But if I was looking for a hard-to-find import beer, I know where I'd go.
[ Telephone rings .]
[ German accent .]
All brands liquor.
This is Franz.
Joel: Hi.
Yes, Franz? Hi.
Do you carry Enbrau beer? Is this a joke? Why not ask if we have prince Albert in a can? This is all brands liquor.
We carry all brands.
Not some brands, not most brands All brands.
So you have Enbrau? All brands! You offend me! [ Slams receiver down .]
[ Dial tone .]
What? No? They've got it.
[ All cheering .]
Our boys are coming through! Stankowski Prepare yourself for Enbrau! Somebody get my drinking diaper.
[ All cheering .]
[ All chanting "Enbrau!" .]
There isNoEnbrau.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Franz, what do you mean, no Enbrau? You don't have it? You said you had all brands.
Not some brands, not most brands.
I know what I said! I am German, but I cannot sell a beer that does not exist.
Brian: Whoa, whoa.
Franz It has to exist.
I am sorry.
I will do anything for a friend of Haines.
But look This is the Ale-manac, a catalog of every beer in existence.
And these are the braus.
Beckenbrau, Farthenbrau, Gutenbrau, Hintebrau, Munschenbrau, Schottenbrau.
All of these I carry.
I have Kaiserbrau, the favorite beer of Wilhelm II.
I also carryHeffenbrau, with the red griffins and a catchy jingle.
Heffenbrau, Heffenbrau how I love my Heffenbrau I have Schteinbrau! I have Schlagerbrau! Heck, I even have Monobrow! [ Crashing .]
But I do not have Enbrau, because ThereIsNoSuchBrau! What happened? Enbrau's not a real beer.
Again, not that I condone underage drinking, but after the day I had, I could really use an Enbrau.
This is crazy.
Why would they make us get a beer that doesn't exist? We just went through hell for a figment of his imagination.
Wait, wait.
Hold on, guys.
Hold on.
Do you guys remember what Reno said? "The adventure is in the quest"? Look, maybe it wasn't even about the beer.
All right, maybe it was about the journey.
You know, bringing us together on some insane mission.
Yeah.
Right? Yeah! The discovery of something bigger than ourselves, right? Eli: [ Chuckling .]
Yes.
That's right.
It's not about the beer.
Of course it's about the beer! It's always about the beer! Journey to discovery?! You're supposed to discover some Enbrau! Yeah, but there is no Enbrau.
Tell that to Stankowski.
Guys No, no.
You don't know how serious this is.
Every pledge class gets the gift! When I was a pledge, I had 12 hours to get Stankowski an autographed 8x10 picture of Joe Piscopo.
And you know what I did? What'd I do? Got the picture.
I got the picture! Yeah, but when Reno was telling us about the Gila monster, he said the important thing was the adventure.
He still got the gila monster! He still got it! Where the hell is the Enbrau?! Enbrau! Oh, my God! I wanted some Enbrau, too.
[ Door opens .]
[ '80s music plays .]
Whoa, you guys look super-serious.
Do I need to smoke for this? Damon: [ Chuckling .]
Come on, Stankowski.
You've been smoking all day.
No way.
I've been keeping my system clear for Enbrau.
Okay, I have been smoking.
I lied about that.
Anyway, did you guys want to say something or Um [Clears throat.]
Okay.
Um The thing is, uh Brian, maybe you could Elaborate for me, please.
UhI tend to be more of a I'm more of a doer.
[ Chuckles .]
Mm-hmm.
SoJason.
Hot dogs.
Joel.
Um What we're trying to say here is that Stankowski? Huh? We're gonna have that beer for you in 20 minutes.
What? What? What? What? Ah, Stankowski, you got the diaper on.
We drinking Enbrau or what? We will be soon.
I just have to make one quick phone call.
Gentlemen.
[ '80s music plays .]
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no! This is not even the right beer! Now they're just making it worse.
No, no, no.
Hold on, hold on.
Let's see what this kid's got.
Boys, here you go.
It says "Heffenbrau," Joel.
That's it, boys.
This is insulting.
Stankowski Hi.
On behalf of the 1986 pledge class, we just wanted to say "Happy Birthday.
" [ Burps .]
It's Enbrau.
[ '80s music plays .]
It's Enbrau! [ All cheering .]
Hey! Nicely done.
And to think I almost made you jump in the fountain.
Hey, that would have been teasiest part of my day.
[ Chuckles .]
So, Joel I'm impressed yet baffled.
How'd you know Enbrau was Heffenbrau? Well, I guess it's like you said Keep your eyes open and let the adventure come to you.
Did Reno say that? He did.
Didn't know you were paying attention, Joel.
Of course.
There he is.
Mr.
hero! You are a genius.
Hey, my boy, we did it! Hey, to red griffins and catchy jingles.
Together: Yeah, Enbrau! [ '80s music plays .]
Enbrau.
So, how bad do you want it, gentlemen? How bad do you want to be a part of this fraternity?! Together: We want it! Do you want it?! Together: We want it! Do you want it?! Together: We want it! I want it! Give it! No, no! No, no! No, no! [ Sizzling .]
Joel: You know, my dad says there are moments in life you wish would last forever, and there are moments you'd like to have back.
Now, what he'd say about this, I have no clue.
We weren't gonna brand you.
Mine is fake! It's fake? It's fake! It's fake?! Ohh, my ass.
Ohh.
Ohh.
How does it look? Does it look as bad as it feels? Well, does it does it feel like a really bad idea? Because, I mean, that's That's what it looks like from here.
Where is the doctor? Joel, you're premed.
What do you think? Do you think it's infected? Eli, I've only been premed for a week, but Ohh, that oozing can't be good.
[ Door closes .]
Aspiring physician I like that.
[ Inhales deeply .]
Who fried bacon in here? That's not bacon, sir.
That's ourFriend.
Whoa! Fraternity brand, huh? Let me guess.
They held you down like a squealing pig.
A-actually, I-I did it to myself.
Oh.
Ha ha! To be young.
And you shoube experimenting with your body in these times, especially when you're in the company of like-minded men, men who you trust Who don't judge.
You know what I mean.
No, IDon't.
[ Chuckles .]
I think you do.
Of course, at your age, I was in WWII.
You don't remember Pearl Harbor, do you? That'll give you something to cry about.
Anyway, island hopping across the Pacific gives you some strange ideas about what it really means To be a man.
Brian: Wow.
"Jap killer.
" Mm-hmm.
Any regrets? Every day.
Especially now that I'm married To a Japanese woman.
But I wouldn't take any of it back.
Youth is the time to make mistakes, boys.
[ Slap .]
Cherish it.
[ Groans .]
I'm sorry.
Uh, Dr.
jap killer, if we could maybe hurry this up.
I've got a charred butt cheek.
Oh, yeah, right! Thank you.
Um"Feldman.
" Bite down on something.
Premed, you and I are gonna count to three What? And then we're gonna rip this underwear off the wound.
What?! One, two What?! Bite! Aaaah! Aaaaaaahhh! [ Cries .]
[ "Strip" by Adam ant plays .]
Joel? Is he gonna be okay? Who, the fainter? He'll be fine.
I'm not sure he's cut out for premed, though.
Well, look at this.
That's something for the scrapbook.
"Glory Daze" - Season 1, episode 2 "Fake Me Home Tonight" Eli, what is it with you and this Stankowski guy? Well, he's the coolest guy I've ever met, and he single-handedly changed my life with one meeting.
You know he's been in this house since 1976? He's been in college for 10 years? Yeah, well, where else would a brilliant mind like find fulfillment? [ Knock on door .]
Stankowski: Entrada! [ '80s music plays .]
[ Coughing .]
Hey, bros.
Why do pot and fulfillment always smell so similar? Guys, I can't go in there.
As a young republican, I vowed to say no to pot And fulfillment.
Guys, come on.
We can't keep him waiting.
All right.
You sure? [ Nasally voice .]
I've never been more sure of anything in my life.
[ Coughs .]
[ Door closes .]
Gentlemen, Stankowski is eager to welcome you to the house.
He likes to nurture new pledges.
I heard about the self-inflicted gluteus injury.
Hey, little man, I made you some salve.
It's got bamboo, guava, and crushed aspirin in it.
Apply it to the affected area 5 to 8 times a day generously.
Thank you.
I-I was a fool to have trusted Western medicine.
No, no, no.
Western medicine has its place.
Okay.
Thank you.
And you, premed.
I have the lost journals of Dr.
Joseph lister, the father, so to speak, ofModern surgery.
[ Coughs .]
That's unbelievable.
How did you get this? I had to trade some stuff for it, but whatever.
And you, Mr.
baseball.
You've got a good fastball, don't you? But you're still looking for your curve, huh? Coach always tells me I hold the ball too tight.
You know, the great satchel Paige had that same problem, and they say that he had to cup a rabbit to practice his light grip.
I don't have a rabbit, but I do happen to have this.
Hey, Leonard.
What's up? I love him, uh, but I think that maybe you need him more than I do at this moment in time.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Oh.
Oh, God.
He's peeing in my hand.
Oh, that means he likes you.
Oh Great.
[ '80s music plays .]
Amazing.
Now I know why they call him the oracle.
Oh, by the way, Stankowski wanted you to have this.
Yeah, he said it would provide the answers that you seek.
Is this a bong? Yeah.
Who said I needed answers? Stankowski did.
Isn't he a giver? That's why every year for his birthday, it's tradition that this house gives back to him.
We celebrate Friday, guys.
You can express your gratitude then.
Come on.
South Africa a nation longing to redefine itself Like a caged bird yearning for flight Or a husband praying for sanity in the carnage of a poisoned marriage.
Yeah, that's good.
I like that.
Let's hear it some.
How does this thing rewind? Oh, come on![ Tape rewinds .]
[ High-pitched voice .]
Caged bird yearning for flight.
Come on.
Professor Haines? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doin'? Office hours don't start until 8:30.
I know.
I'm sorry, sir.
I saw you through the window, and I thought I heard you say, "come in.
" I Oh, look, Professor Haines.
If I knew that you were living in your office, I would have never Oh, what are you saying? That a man can't have a cot and a blanket in his own office? [ Toaster dings .]
Or a toaster? Look, I'm trying to finish a book on the shifting identity of nations, okay? Sometimes I like to work late into the evening.
I'm not sure if you know the phrase "publish or perish"? No, sir, but I-I'm only a freshman.
But"Perish" certainly doesn't sound good.
Well, it's not.
This kind of pressure can destroy a marriage.
Not that my marriage is destroyed.
I can sleep at home anytime I want, assuming that the locks haven't been changed and that the judge rules in my favor.
Okay, well Listen, sir.
I just I know we didn't get off to such a good start in class, right? And I just wanted to stop by and You know, make sure things weren't Awkward between us.
Is it awkward now? [ Bell rings .]
[ '80s music plays .]
Mike: On the horizon is one of the most important events on the omega sig's social calendar Bill Stankowski's birthday.
This year he turns 32.
[ Cheers and applause .]
To prepare for this, we will break you up into groups to provide the following items hot dogs, plastic cups, and ice.
But, most importantly, it's an honored tradition at this house for the last 10 years someone will get Stankowski's gift.
[ Chuckling .]
God knows what he'll want this year.
Oh, we'll do it! We will? Yeah.
You don't even know what he wants yet.
Doesn't matter.
No, we got it.
No, we got it! We got it! Suckers! Damon: All right.
I like the ambition.
Stankowski Are you ready to tell us what gift you want this year? Pegasus.
Those are imaginary.
Then I'm not ready.
I am not.
For that I must conclave.
[ Heavenly chanting .]
So we were hoping for no conclave this year, but apparently Stankowski: Hey.
[ Chanting stops .]
Um [ Stankowski clears throat .]
[ Heavenly chanting resumes .]
Tradition stands, gentlemen.
[ Chanting continues .]
May wisdom find you.
Thanks, bro.
[ Chanting continues .]
[ '80s music plays .]
[ Locks clicking .]
Eli, what did you get us into? Don't worry about it, man.
This is gonna be great.
You know, perhaps it's not too late to switch to the hot dogs.
Seriously? Mmm! You know, I volunteered for Stankowski's gift my freshman year.
We had six hours to get him a taxidermied gila monster.
Did you get it? That's not really the point.
In the words of our esteemed founder, Steve Byerson, "the adventure is in the quest.
" So, who you gonna be adventure men or hot-dog men? Hot-dog men.
Hot hot-dog men? I say we go for the quest.
Eli: You know I'm in.
Yeah, I'm in.
Huh? Come on, Jason.
Guys.
Come on, man.
Fine, we'll quest.
Quest! Quest! Quest! Quest! Yeah! Nicely done, boys.
Keep your eyes open.
Let the adventure come you.
[ Romantic '80s music plays .]
Listen, Julie We both know my first week of college had its ups and downs.
Now, getting drunk and urinating in my bed was definitely a down.
But don't let it color your opinion of the omega sigs.
Okay, but what about their reputation, Jason? I mean, did you know they have a 32-year-old burnout just living in that house? Listen, these are good guys, Julie unorthodox, yes, but They're they're free spirits.
Do you know what senate majority leader Bob dole would say about a free spirit? I do, and it troubles me.
But the important thing is my mattress is dry, and I'm refocusing, and Just to prove it to you, I made you this special mixtape.
Let these songs tell you how I feel.
Jason Seven of these songs are from your Valentine's day mix.
N-no.
Yes! "Just can't get enough.
" "Stuck on you" by Lionel Richie.
I mean, is this how you're gonna tell me how you feel, by giving me a rehashed tape? No.
Really? Julie That's what I love about you, you know? You push me to be a better man! Idiot! [ '80s music plays .]
[ Music stops .]
Joel! Hey! Hey.
What? You know, those things work better when they're On your ears.
Oh, yeah.
I'm a pirate.
[ Laughs .]
No, no, I'm not really a pirate.
Sorry.
So, have you, uh, picked a topic for your polisci paper yet? No, not yet.
But, as you may have noticed, I kind of made a fool of myself in front of Professor Haines.
And the rest of the class.
Yeah.
Thanks for reminding me.
[ Scoffs .]
Sorry.
Uh-oh.
Hey! Hey! Are you hazing one of our pledges? I didn't know I was allowed to haze your pledges.
Well, you're dating the president of the fraternity.
What should we make him do 20 push-ups, jump in that fountain over there, streak the quad? [ Giggles .]
Joel, I'm kidding.
[ Chuckles .]
[ Laughs .]
No.
You should relax, try to enjoy this pledge thing a little bit.
No, I am.
I'm really enjoying it, man.
I'm just I'm kind of nervous about what Stankowski's gonna want this year.
Yeah, the wait can be pretty nerve-racking.
Yeah.
That's why I chose hot dogs.
Man, those were good.
Anyway, I'll see you after class.
Mmm.
You sure you don't want him to jump in the fountain? Well I'll do it.
Kidding! I know you would! [ Laughs .]
Take care, man.
All right.
He's a good guy dbmon.
[ Chuckles .]
You know, when we first met, I didn't even realize that you had a boyfriend, but, uh Ydo.
[ Chuckles .]
It's fun.
You should get one.
You know what I mean a girlfriend.
Yeah.
Okay, I'll I'll see you later.
Okay.
Awesome.
[ '80s music plays .]
Wow, what are the odds of that? Professor Larson Long time, no see.
Excuse me? Well, after our little rendezvous at the grocery store last week, I was so inspired Decided to sign up for your class.
Uh, I'm sorry.
I'm not sure I'm following you.
Oh, come on.
Surely you remember our meeting at the grocery store.
I believe your cart had some bubble bath and chardonnay.
Mine had toilet paper, avocados, and a little Mexican man.
Hmm.
You'd think I would remember that, but if you don't mind, I have a class to teach.
If you do decide to stay, here is a syllabus.
You will be expected to catch up on the reading.
Oh, the reading.
Mm.
Just one page? I'll finish this right now.
[ Clears throat .]
I really appreciate a, uh, Professor who understands the difference between quality and quantity.
Yeah, I'm done, guys.
[ Bell rings .]
You know, you really bring Tennyson alive.
Who knew Victorian poetry could inspire the modern man? Mr.
Reno, let's get something straight.
Ah.
You said my name, so ydo remember.
Yes, but I'm afraid you may have mistaken our witty supermarket banter for something more than it is.
It's possible.
Mm.
Should we get together this evening and discuss my confusion, maybe throw in a little Tennyson? I have a faculty meeting.
I have a flexible schedule.
Do you? Amongst other things.
How about this afternoon? Mm, aerobics class.
Get serious, Mr.
Reno, or drop the class.
You know, this will all happen a lot faster between us if you stop talking in code.
[ Bell tolling .]
We have a decision! Stankowski has made a decision! [ Cheers and applause .]
[ Engine buzzing .]
Ah, another conclave ends.
Another adventure begins.
[ Slow-tempo '80s music plays .]
May 11, 1981 Mm.
Was the day that Bob Marley died.
I remember I was really lonely And really confused Really lonely Until I met this old gypsy lady.
She had like an ounce of hindu kush, and she also had the greatest beer that I ever tasted in my life.
We can't get you that woman.
You know our policy on gypsies.
Stankowski.
[ Snaps fingers .]
Hi.
No gypsies.
No, I knowThat.
But if I could have that beer again, you know, just rolling around my tongue with my taste buds activated, that'd be really righteous.
I can remember it like it was just yesterday, you know? Enbrau the beer's called "Enbrau.
" [ '80s music plays .]
All right, gentlemen The adventure begins 10 cases of Enbrau beer for tonight.
Joel: All right.
Got it.
Did you see that? All he wants is beer.
All right, this quest is gonna make us heroes.
Eli, how are four freshmen supposed to buy 10 cases of Enbrau beer? Fake I.
D.
s.
Do you have a fake I.
D.
? No.
No, I just kind of thought one of you guys did.
Joel: I don't I don't have a fake I.
D.
Mnh-mnh.
No.
All right, y'all better not mess this up! 'Cause Stankowski does not handle disappointment well.
That's why he started smoking that weed.
All right? A quest is a beautiful thing, boys.
It says a lot about the kind of men you are.
The kind of men who need fake I.
D.
s.
Any thoughts? Oh, Joel.
All I have are thoughts.
Operation Enbrau, boys.
Yes! See, guys, this is what college is about You know, four friends on a mission to buy fake I.
D.
s, the open highway, a cool car [ Horn honks .]
Some rockin'Tunes.
[ "Take on me" by a-ha plays on car stereo .]
Hey! Guys! What the hell is this? Man, this isn't rockin' tunes.
Well, I'm test-driving my latest mixtape for Julie.
Every song specifically chosen to win her over, and it all builds to A-Ha's "Take on Me.
" It's a perfect climax.
All right, on behalf of the guys, I have to ask Were you born without testicles, or did they just shrivel up and die over time? Don't pass judgment until you've heard the whole tape.
Just close your eyes and pretend you're Julie.
Here.
[ Music stops, cassette ejects .]
We'll start from the beginning.
Uh, no [ Cassette player clicks .]
[ Sappy '80s music plays .]
Oh, my God.
Brian: Oh, good God.
[ '80s dance music plays .]
Instructor: 6, 7.
And up.
Left, 1, 2, 3, and up.
[ Music continues .]
May I cut in? Thank you! Really? You're doing this? Yeah, I thought you'd appreciate the opportunity to see me in vertical stripes.
Not many men could pull this off, you know.
Now let's see if you can keep up.
Ohh.
Keeping up's one of my specialities.
All right.
Keep it up.
Whoo! [ Sappy '80s music continues .]
[ Music stops .]
[ Dog barking .]
Hey, are you sure this is right? Yeah, according to the map, this is the place.
Well, trickle-down economics has clearly not trickled down here yet.
[ Door rattling .]
[ Barking continues .]
Hello? What do you want? What do you want? We have an appointment to see Marcus.
Who? Are you alone? Anybody follow you? No, it's just us.
Are you sure? Come on, hurry up.
Get in.
Get in here.
I'm Marcus.
Come on.
Let's go.
Come on.
Come on.
Bring it in.
Bring it in.
Come on.
Brian: I thought Reno said this guy was an artist.
Oh, I am an artist.
I certainly don't do this for the sheer pleasure of giving underage kids the chance to illegally purchase alcohol I'll tell you that.
Well, in fairness, sir, it's not just any alcohol.
We're on a mission to purchase Enbrau.
Yeah, we certainly didn't mean to question your integrity, sir.
Good, because if all you want are fake I.
D.
s, there are plenty of bullshit artists out there that would be happy to waste your time, but I don't make fake I.
D.
s, okay? I create new lives.
What's your name again? Uh, Joel.
Harrington.
Not anymore.
From now on, your name will be Matthew Portersmith, born April 7, 1964.
You're from St.
Louis, Missouri.
Where are you from? St St.
Louis, Missouri That's right.
Good.
Good answer.
Stephen Moynihan, December 12, 1963, Portland, Oregon.
"Stephen"? I really like that.
Ohh, that makes me so happy.
[ Voice breaking .]
Thank you.
[ Breathes deeply .]
Cornelius Buttonshaw.
Chappaqua, New York.
Um July 17, 1964 Period.
Does it have to be "Cornelius"? Yes, Cornelius, it dohave to be Cornelius Cornelius, Cornelius, Cornelius.
[ Clears throat .]
And you, my good man, you shall be James Joseph Murphy.
Ooh Hmm? [ Chuckles weakly .]
Anybody got a problem with that? It's great.
Look, Marcus, uh, I respect your art, okay, I do I do.
It's just, in this new life of mine, you think I could remain Jewish Huh? You know, it'd kind of be important to my Nana.
All right, fine.
Fine.
Then you will be Murphy Witz Berg Stein berg Murphberg.
Murphbergstein? Murphberg.
Murphberg.
Got a problem with that? No, that sounds distinguished.
I like that.
Anybody else want to be Jewish? I'm catholic.
[ '80s music plays .]
Don't smile.
Don't move.
On the line.
Good! And now, ladies and gentlemen, thanks to my patented laminating process and the wonders of the commodore 64 personal computer, I present to you your boarding passes to your new lives.
Mr.
Portersmith.
Thanks.
And get down! Everybody, get down and hit the floor! I knew when I saw that shiny car outside, this was gonna be my lucky day.
Now, let me see some wallets, fancy boys! Mom, your boyfriend's robbing me again! You shut your face, Marcus! Mom! Marcus' mom: You heard him Shut it! Now, who got the keys to that shiny BMW? Jason! HandHim YourKeys! Can't give him my car.
My dad will kill me.
Don't be a hero, Cornelius.
Pain is his hobby.
[ Gun cocks .]
Why do you date this guy?! Give 'em up! For having needs! Marcus' mom: Well, forgive me speaking of which, you need anything while I'm out? Another plunger and some lady speed stick! Sure thing, sweets.
Love you! [ Smooches .]
And surprise me with something from the frozen-food section [ Door closes .]
If you will! He's already gone, you stupid cow! I swear to God, as soon as I make some money, I'm moving out of here! [ Engine turns over .]
No.
No! No, no, no, no! [ "Take on me" by a-ha plays on car stereo .]
My mixtape.
Ooh, I like that song.
[ Scoffs .]
Thank you.
[ '80s music plays .]
Look, Jason, it's gonna be all right, man.
No, it's not.
The cross fades, the perfect pauses between songs, not to mention the landing I stuck on Phil Collins' "one more night.
" Aren't you a little more worried about yocar? Cars are insured.
That tape was my masterpiece.
At least Marcus let us keep the I.
D.
s for free, right? Fantastic a souvenir of the day Jason Wilson was replaced by a [Sighs.]
Carless, girlfriend-less Cornelius Buttonshaw.
Come on, guys, we can spend the next three hours reminiscing about the wonderful new friends we made, we can complete our mission and find Enbrau for Stankowski's party.
Well This might help.
Do you always carry money in your underwear? Well, you know how scared possums play dead? I shove money down my pants.
It's instinct.
It's a little sweaty.
[ '80s dance music plays .]
You know, I'm really enjoying this.
No more of this student-teacher awkwardness.
Yeah, just two people bonding over their love of fitness and the human form.
Exactly But I think we can share a lot more than just our love of jazzercise.
Instructor: Feel the burn.
And down.
You know, every semester, there's a guy just like you trying to get my attention.
Really? [ Applause .]
Whoo! Yeah.
I'll see you later.
Guy just like me? But you don't even know me yet.
I don't? Hmm.
All right, let's see.
I bet you're the kind of guy who wears slippers to a formal dinner as some kind of statement, and you wear a necktie to a barbecue just to keep people on their toes.
You have a very large record collection.
And you read obscure magazines featuring tasteful European-style nudity.
But you know what? Ooh.
Mostly, I think you're the kind of guy who finds it the pinnacle of achievement to slide through every situation with some quick wit and a really nice smile.
That's beautiful.
You don't really mince words, do you? So you're saying I should just quit and give up, drop out of class? Oh, Mr.
Reno, you disappoint me.
I thought you said you could keep up.
Oh, you're saying I shouldn't quit? Wait on you or class? [ Chuckles .]
Come on, give me a little hint.
Please? I wore dolphin shorts for you.
Eli: Brian, do you think you can carry me the rest of the way? My little legs can't keep up.
Absolutely not.
Joel: It's times like these you wish phones were mobile, right? Hey, guys, our luck is changing! Told you! [ Sighing .]
Oh! Oh, thank you so much.
Professor Haines.
You know, when I saw you on the side of the road, my first thought was to keep driving.
Actually, so was thoughts 2 through 9.
But then my liberal guilt kicked in.
We really appreciate it, sir, and I promise This is not gonna be awkward at all.
Stolen car, huh? Sounds like your day's going about as well as mine.
Any of you boys in a relationship? I am.
Although you might say we're going through a bit of a rough patch.
Mr.
Haines: Yeah.
You know, you see a nice girl, beautiful smile, curvaceous body, skin like buttered mocha [ Chuckles .]
You don't think about what could go wrong.
[ Chuckles .]
Oh, yeah, there were signs, sure tears on our wedding night [ Vehicle accelerating .]
Locking herself in the bathroom for an entire weekend, the incident with the u.
P.
S.
Guy.
But you look past those things because you love, you know? Uh, sir? But what about when it's her turn, huh? When you're struggling for tenure, you're under fire from the dean, your potency in the bedroom is lacking because of the constant struggle to publish, you know? Then where is the love? Where is the love?! [ Siren wails .]
Son of a bitch! [ police radio chatter .]
Okay.
Mr.
Buttonshaw Or should I say, Mr.
photogenic? [ Chuckling .]
Oh.
You're very kind.
You don't want to go to prison.
[ Chuckles .]
Mr.
Moynihan, there you go.
I'm Stephen.
Thank you.
Oh, no problem, Stephen.
Mr.
Portersmith.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you, sir.
Mr.
Murphowitzbergstein.
Thank you, sir.
You're not Larry's kid, are you? Uh, y No.
Yes? No.
No? [ Chuckles .]
You all sure do favor.
All in the forehead region I tell you.
Got a good forehead.
Wait till I tell Larry.
[ Chuckles .]
Yuh-oh.
Excuse me, fellas.
Aloysius Haines? Mm-hmm.
Are you aware your license has expired? What?! "What?!" Two months ago.
Well, officer, I can assure you it's an oversight.
I got a lot on my plate right now.
My wife and I are going through some issues Driving with an expired license is a misdemeanor.
You know the state gives me the authority to impound your car.
Well, what are the chances of you not exercising that authority? You don't know the month that I've had.
This so humiliating.
At least your car wasn't impounded.
I guess meeting a cop going through his own divorce has certain advantages, right? Solidarity between broken men? Brian: You know, it was kind of sweet.
When you two hugged, it was like two Or not.
Joel.
Huh? Joel, pull in here.
We still have to get Stankowski's gift.
No, we will, all right? I just got to get Haines back to campus first.
[ Coughing .]
Enbrau.
Do it now.
Do what? Nothing.
We're doing nothing, guys.
What are we not doing? We're doing nothing, sir.
[ Chuckles .]
[ Moans loudly .]
Joel, do you think you could, uh, pull into town here? I really have to go to the bathroom.
Eli, I think you can hold it, all right? No, I can't.
I really need to go.
You should pull over right now.
You know what? How about I find an open field, and you can go there? You knowI can't drop a loose deuce in an open field.
I need toilet paper that's part of a functioning bathroom! Use your head, man! He's fine.
Uh-oh.
Ooh, it's cresting.
Ohh, it's cresting, guys.
Whoo! Oh, oh, God! Someone hold my hand! Hold my hand! It's like I'm giving birth! I'm losing my clench! Mr.
Haines: For the love of God, would you pull over before he craps my car? It's turtle-heading, Joel! No! I'm a caged animal! I'm gonna take my pants off right now! No! Okay, Eli, I'll pull over! Okay! All right! I'm sorry, sir.
I just I just don't want him to crap your Volvo, you know? I know.
Thank you.
No, it's okay.
Jason: So, you teach political science.
You know, I happen to be a bit of a political buff myself.
You don't say.
Do you ever find yourself wishing Reagan could have a third term in office? Should I answer that or just start crying? Oh, geez.
Aah! Guys! Guys! Uh, I should probably use the bathroom, as well.
I'm gonna Jason, you should You should join me.
In the bathroom? [ Chuckles .]
I-I'll pass.
Thanks.
Jason! [ Stammers .]
Oh.
[ Chuckles .]
You know, I-I probably could drop a little something.
No, guys! Guys! [ Door slams .]
You got to go, you got to go, right? [ Chuckles .]
Ohh.
You know, my my clench is getting a little weak, too.
Yeah.
Prairie dog.
[ Chuckles .]
I got to I got to go.
Sure thing.
I'll just sit here and think about my life and punch myself in the ball bag.
Okay.
Be right back.
Just don't slam the door.
[ Door slams .]
Joel: Guys, what's going on? I've got a severely depressed Professor back there.
He's talking about his ball bag.
They don't have Enbrau, man.
What are you talking about? They don't have Enbrau.
It's some sort of weird import.
They don't even know what it looks like.
Guys, we've got an hour to get this beer.
All right? Someone's got to carry it.
[ '80s music plays .]
Enbrau.
No, yes, Enbrau.
E-n-b [ dial tone .]
Hello? Uh, yes, do you carry Enbrau beer? Enbrau? Yeah.
I believe it's German.
5'11", 160 pounds.
What does this what does this have to do with beer? Why are you yelling at me?! I apologize.
Wrong number.
I'm I'm very sorry for your loss, sir.
Yeah, okay.
Thank you, thank you.
[ Banging phone .]
Guys, that's 15 places.
Nobody carries Enbrau.
Oh, this is a disaster! [ "Take on me" by a-ha plays on car stereo .]
Woman: Oh, my God, I love this song! Check out that thing! That's my car! Hey, there's fancy boy! Woman: Whoo! Spring break '86! Yeah! At least we know your mixtape works Right? Guys, what the Hell is going on out here? Nothing.
Nothing.
We're good.
Everything's everything's good.
Good.
Oh, is it, Mr.
Murphowitzbergstein? We got four guys taking emergency dumps? You guys are chasing after some hot chicks in a convertible? Now, I'm depressed, but I'm not an idiot.
Now, what's going on here, "Portersmith"? Do you want the short version? Yeah! All right, well We're on a fraternity mission to buy 10 cases of Enbrau beer.
And, you know, first, we had to get fake I.
D.
s, you know, so we can buy the beer.
But then we showed up to this crazy house, and this guy came out in this robe.
And his mom was screaming! And then we got robbed, and the guy stole our car.
And then, you know and then Eli here He faked a diarrhea attack after we found you so we could buy the liquor here.
And then, you know, they don't have it, because Enbrau's some weird import.
No one does.
And then Jason's car His car came up, and so we started running Okay, fine.
You know, remind me to fake diarrhea next time you start one of your short stories.
[ Voice breaking .]
I'm sorry, sir.
I'm just a little worked up here.
Look, guys, as an educator, I'm obligated to say that in no way do I condone underage drinking.
Oh, I know.
But if I was looking for a hard-to-find import beer, I know where I'd go.
[ Telephone rings .]
[ German accent .]
All brands liquor.
This is Franz.
Joel: Hi.
Yes, Franz? Hi.
Do you carry Enbrau beer? Is this a joke? Why not ask if we have prince Albert in a can? This is all brands liquor.
We carry all brands.
Not some brands, not most brands All brands.
So you have Enbrau? All brands! You offend me! [ Slams receiver down .]
[ Dial tone .]
What? No? They've got it.
[ All cheering .]
Our boys are coming through! Stankowski Prepare yourself for Enbrau! Somebody get my drinking diaper.
[ All cheering .]
[ All chanting "Enbrau!" .]
There isNoEnbrau.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Franz, what do you mean, no Enbrau? You don't have it? You said you had all brands.
Not some brands, not most brands.
I know what I said! I am German, but I cannot sell a beer that does not exist.
Brian: Whoa, whoa.
Franz It has to exist.
I am sorry.
I will do anything for a friend of Haines.
But look This is the Ale-manac, a catalog of every beer in existence.
And these are the braus.
Beckenbrau, Farthenbrau, Gutenbrau, Hintebrau, Munschenbrau, Schottenbrau.
All of these I carry.
I have Kaiserbrau, the favorite beer of Wilhelm II.
I also carryHeffenbrau, with the red griffins and a catchy jingle.
Heffenbrau, Heffenbrau how I love my Heffenbrau I have Schteinbrau! I have Schlagerbrau! Heck, I even have Monobrow! [ Crashing .]
But I do not have Enbrau, because ThereIsNoSuchBrau! What happened? Enbrau's not a real beer.
Again, not that I condone underage drinking, but after the day I had, I could really use an Enbrau.
This is crazy.
Why would they make us get a beer that doesn't exist? We just went through hell for a figment of his imagination.
Wait, wait.
Hold on, guys.
Hold on.
Do you guys remember what Reno said? "The adventure is in the quest"? Look, maybe it wasn't even about the beer.
All right, maybe it was about the journey.
You know, bringing us together on some insane mission.
Yeah.
Right? Yeah! The discovery of something bigger than ourselves, right? Eli: [ Chuckling .]
Yes.
That's right.
It's not about the beer.
Of course it's about the beer! It's always about the beer! Journey to discovery?! You're supposed to discover some Enbrau! Yeah, but there is no Enbrau.
Tell that to Stankowski.
Guys No, no.
You don't know how serious this is.
Every pledge class gets the gift! When I was a pledge, I had 12 hours to get Stankowski an autographed 8x10 picture of Joe Piscopo.
And you know what I did? What'd I do? Got the picture.
I got the picture! Yeah, but when Reno was telling us about the Gila monster, he said the important thing was the adventure.
He still got the gila monster! He still got it! Where the hell is the Enbrau?! Enbrau! Oh, my God! I wanted some Enbrau, too.
[ Door opens .]
[ '80s music plays .]
Whoa, you guys look super-serious.
Do I need to smoke for this? Damon: [ Chuckling .]
Come on, Stankowski.
You've been smoking all day.
No way.
I've been keeping my system clear for Enbrau.
Okay, I have been smoking.
I lied about that.
Anyway, did you guys want to say something or Um [Clears throat.]
Okay.
Um The thing is, uh Brian, maybe you could Elaborate for me, please.
UhI tend to be more of a I'm more of a doer.
[ Chuckles .]
Mm-hmm.
SoJason.
Hot dogs.
Joel.
Um What we're trying to say here is that Stankowski? Huh? We're gonna have that beer for you in 20 minutes.
What? What? What? What? Ah, Stankowski, you got the diaper on.
We drinking Enbrau or what? We will be soon.
I just have to make one quick phone call.
Gentlemen.
[ '80s music plays .]
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no! This is not even the right beer! Now they're just making it worse.
No, no, no.
Hold on, hold on.
Let's see what this kid's got.
Boys, here you go.
It says "Heffenbrau," Joel.
That's it, boys.
This is insulting.
Stankowski Hi.
On behalf of the 1986 pledge class, we just wanted to say "Happy Birthday.
" [ Burps .]
It's Enbrau.
[ '80s music plays .]
It's Enbrau! [ All cheering .]
Hey! Nicely done.
And to think I almost made you jump in the fountain.
Hey, that would have been teasiest part of my day.
[ Chuckles .]
So, Joel I'm impressed yet baffled.
How'd you know Enbrau was Heffenbrau? Well, I guess it's like you said Keep your eyes open and let the adventure come to you.
Did Reno say that? He did.
Didn't know you were paying attention, Joel.
Of course.
There he is.
Mr.
hero! You are a genius.
Hey, my boy, we did it! Hey, to red griffins and catchy jingles.
Together: Yeah, Enbrau! [ '80s music plays .]
Enbrau.