Grace and Frankie (2015) s04e05 Episode Script

The Pop-Ups

Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right Here I am Stuck in the middle with you Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you Ooh, ooh [HORNS BLOWING.]
Did anyone tell you Robert was gay? Yes.
Robert did.
I believe you, Sol, and a seafood tower were there at the time.
No, I mean, before you got married.
Did anyone ever try to warn you? No.
Why? Ah, I was just thinking about those three-quarter length pants he used to wear.
What would you call those? Shants? Ports? - Clamdiggers.
- Right.
Frankie, much as I enjoy your strolls down non-sequitur lane They are pretty scenic.
Would you please stop decomposing over there and come and help me? Wish I could.
But I'm in a vicious street brawl with the universe at the moment.
So's your hair.
No, seriously.
She's been sending me dreams and signs and near-death experiences to get me to do something.
But I really don't want to do it.
I'll bite.
What is the universe telling you to do? Oh, I can't tell you.
By naming the thing, you give it power.
It's a classic Beetlejuice/Babadook situation.
Are those your yogurt friends? I think you're thinking of my friend, Barbaduke.
- [SIGHS.]
- Hey, Miss Universe! Oh, my God, it's a sign that we have to pack up these vibrators for the pop-up at Arlene's.
Okay, fine.
I'll help.
But what is Arlene doing in an old folks' home, anyway? She's my age.
Our age.
Really? You come off as so much older.
Walden Villas is not an old folks' home.
It's a "senior living community.
" - Same thing.
- Arlene is very happy there, so we have to keep an open mind.
Not to mention, it's gonna be a gold mine for us.
Those places are hotbeds of sex, teeming with chlamydia.
You do make it sound fun.
I know we haven't hit it off.
And I'm sorry for saying you were put together inside out.
But I'm trying to do something nice for your mom, so please don't hurt me.
Showtime, folks.
Have you noticed anything different about Gregory tonight? Oh, is he drooling? 'Cause all his bibs are in the dryer.
Uh No.
He just looks a little shiny.
You can't put a collar on Gregory! He has contact dermatitis! Aw! I thought you had that.
- How do you think he lost all his hair? - He's not a hairless cat? What Oh! Okay.
What are you doing down there? Holy shit.
Is that a Are you Allison Alistair Giampietro-Smikowitz will you marry me? Oh Nwabudike Douglas Bergstein it's beautiful.
I mean, it's unsanitary from the floor, - but we can Purell it.
- We can Purell it.
I still don't think we should get married just 'cause we're having a baby.
I keep telling you, it's not just because of the baby.
I've wanted to marry you for a long time.
I got into a fight with Coyote because of how serious I was about you.
Months ago! You got into a fight with Coyote about me? Uh No.
I mean, it wasn't about you.
It was about how much you love candy corn, which he doesn't get, because why are there layers if the layers don't taste different? - They do taste different.
- Exactly.
But let's forget about Coyote's unsophisticated palate.
It's hard.
What's the problem? I love you.
You love me.
We're both definitely not scared of Gregory.
Say yes.
Is that "yes"? I kind of need to hear you say "yes.
" Yes.
It's a yes! Yes! Mmm.
Mmm Oh, my God.
You said yes.
This is so exciting! - I love you so much.
- I love you, too.
There might just be one little thing How come I never get to pick where we do pop-ups? Because this is literally the first time you've expressed any interest.
Except, I've been in the vibrator business for years now, and I think I've earned the right to pick some pop-ups.
All right.
You can pick the next one.
- Where do you want to go? - Not sure.
I know where the universe wants me to go.
Oh, Jesus.
Here, I thought we could put these on the table.
- I think they'll look nice.
- That's a great idea.
So, how are things going with this new guy you've been seeing? So far, pretty great.
I mean, he's not who I would've thought I'd be with, but, you know, - I'm having a hell of a time.
- Oh.
He's surprising in a good way.
You deserve some good surprises.
How about you? You seem really happy here.
Oh, I am.
It's great.
You have laundry service, housekeeping, they pick up your prescriptions Wow.
Imagine having someone to do your laundry and run your errands.
You have that person.
Her name's me.
By the by, we're out of dryer sheets, the lavender ones.
We wouldn't be out of them if you didn't use them as deodorant.
You know, it seems this table stuff is going real well.
So I'm gonna go make some breakfast nachos.
Arlene, I just need marshmallows, chocolate, and your stove.
Oh, they don't let us have those.
Marshmallows? No, a stove.
It's an insurance thing.
Wait a minute.
You don't have a stove? But you love to cook.
I do, but I also love not cleaning up.
And they really encourage you to eat in the dining hall.
So, you eat all your meals at, like communal tables? Grace has weird boundary issues.
Try talking to her when she's in the tub.
I'll admit this whole thing has been a bit of an adjustment for me, too.
I mean, it was hard giving up my house, but it was so much to take care of after Bob died.
- Couldn't your son have helped? - He helped in other ways.
Well, Scott was the one that convinced me to move here.
I didn't realize it was his idea.
Hello, button, my old friend.
Frankie, don't touch that! What is it? Oh, they have these on the walls, in case somebody needs medical assistance.
You don't really notice them after a while.
- Ah! That must be the early birds.
You finish setting up the table and I will take them for a slow walk down a long hall.
God, poor Arlene.
I know.
To have that fun button and never get to push it.
No! Obviously her son dumped her here.
Didn't you say to keep an open mind about this place? That was when I thought it was Arlene's choice to be here.
I mean, clearly she wanted to stay in her own house.
Instead of helping her do that, he's off gallivanting while she has to eat with strangers.
I like eating with strangers.
That's how I met Barbaduke.
All I know is Arlene does not belong in a place that doesn't have a stove, but does have a blue button on the wall.
You pressed one, didn't you? Oh, Grace.
I've pressed at least three.
I've got a real problem with you ladies hustling in on my game.
The only vibrator these gals need is me, my Viagra, and my restless leg syndrome.
Aren't you a funky little nightmare.
Sir, the Ménage is not your foe.
You know, think of men and vibrators like cake and pie.
Women like dessert.
All right, I'll take three.
Uh Actually, make it four.
And leave the price tags on.
Oh, this is so much fun.
I haven't had a rush like this since I sold Mary Kay.
I haven't had a rush like this since I sold Mary Jane.
Teddie? You know what? You should come with us to our next pop-up.
- It'll do you good to get out of here.
- I don't know.
Scott doesn't like me to leave without giving him the heads-up.
Well, why tell him? You don't need to ask permission.
You're a grown woman.
Make your own decisions.
- You're coming with us.
All right.
All right.
So where are we going? That is a good question.
My guess would be Geo Junction.
- Oh, my God, are you real? Teddie? - [GASPS.]
Oh, my God, isn't there someone else you could be bothering right now? Yes, there is.
There is.
- Uh, Grand - Uh! Hush now.
You've played your part, gentle specter.
Well-played, universe.
Okay, you win.
So Spit likes him? Mm They've reached a détente.
And how is Barry liking the new job? Lauren's a monster like I said she was.
She's taking everyone out to dinner tonight to celebrate, like, a new product or her period or something.
I'm sorry, were we supposed to take you out to dinner for that? - Yes.
- [SOL.]
Everyone doing okay? Need anything? Coyote, are you loving that Saint-André? [ROBERT CHUCKLES.]
So much.
- That's my boy.
Loves his cheese.
- Yeah.
I fucking hate soft cheese.
Why don't you tell him? It's been years and it's, like, a thing between us now.
I don't even know how it happened.
He got me a silver cheese knife for Hanukkah.
I'm in too deep.
What's with your family and cheese? Hey, Mallory, I got that pimento loaf you love.
Oh! Did you just put cheese in your pocket? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Fingers crossed it's a murderer.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Uh, I was just leaving this for your, um - Dads? - Right.
It was delivered to our house by mistake.
Thank you.
I'll take that.
Well, that took a weird turn.
It sure did.
Robert can you think of a reason why Oliver would be mad at us? - No.
- Really? Nothing comes to mind.
Ooh, more drama.
Oh, no, it's a guy selling magazines.
Come on, Bri.
Just Come on.
Buddy! What a pleasant surprise.
Come, please join us.
What's going on here and why wasn't I invited? It's a girls' and dads' dinner.
Well, then why is Coyote here? Want to field that one, Mal? I was driving away and I saw his tiny face pressed up against the window of his tiny house.
I'll set another place.
No, no, no.
I don't want to interrupt What are you talking about? You're not interrupting.
You know, sometimes interruptions are wonderful.
If temporary.
Everything okay? Yeah, I wanted to talk to you and Robert about something privately.
- We're listening.
- No, you know, it's fine.
I'll just Oh, God, is it the baby? No, no, no, no.
The baby's fine.
Baby's fine.
Did they stop making Dockers? Who do we call? What do we do? Bud, what happened? I proposed to Allison, and she said yes.
Oh, mazel tov! Yay! Oh! Good.
This will take your mind off the Dockers shortage.
I'll get the champagne.
- Well, maybe hold off on the champagne.
- Why? She won't marry me without a prenup, and I told her I won't get a prenup.
Oh, that's bad.
Fun! Yes, I understand the concept of "no backsies.
" I just asked why you suddenly decided we should go to a college.
It's not exactly our customer base.
You know darn well what happened last time I didn't listen to the universe when she was so persistent.
My yurt exploded.
What do you have to do to make a yurt explode? Did you see Bad Boys II? I am not compelled by the universe.
So I need a normal, human reason for this pop-up.
Well, like retirement places, colleges are hotbeds of sex.
You think old people have sexual diseases.
College invented chlamydia.
I think it's a great idea.
You have all those older female professors.
Students are always getting hurt playing sports.
Playing Frisbee and Rubik's Cubing, they will love the Ménage.
And, if we can hook them while they're young, we will have them for life.
Like cigarette companies and Degrassi.
You actually make a good argument.
I do some of my best work when I bullshit.
- Oh, God.
So how are things going with that new guy you're seeing? Arlene, you already asked me that.
- [GASPS.]
I did? - Yes.
Oh, of course.
I'm sorry, just one of those embarrassing senior moments.
Oh, please, we all get them.
Speak for yourself.
I'm still sharp as a tack.
Is that a word, tack? Ah, just one of the joys of getting older, I guess.
You know, I read somewhere that the antidote for those senior moments is challenging yourself with new experiences.
I also read it helps if you get a helper monkey.
For the last time, we are not getting a helper monkey.
Okay, Grace.
We'll get a monkey that doesn't help us.
Well, I am always trying to learn new things.
Right now, I'm learning to play canasta.
Well, see, I meant, getting out in the world, remembering that we're vibrant, independent women.
A little help here? I seem to have triple-buckled myself into my necklace.
Get me a damn monkey, Grace! I can't believe she wants a prenup.
Lots of people want them.
That was a big part of our business.
I can't believe you didn't tell us that you bagged a secret heiress.
Nicely done.
- She's not an heiress.
- Really? Because that would have cleared up a lot of questions.
She wants a prenup because I'm a divorce lawyer.
If we broke up, she thinks I'd be at a huge advantage.
So she wants to protect herself and the baby.
- That is a fair point.
- Well, yeah, I get it, but I don't want to start our marriage assuming that it won't work out - and things'll get ugly.
- It doesn't have to mean that.
Is it that big a deal? You usually give her whatever she wants.
No prenup.
Brianna wants a boat.
Agh, just don't get married.
Love fades, people change.
Then they do fine, and you're miserable.
That's a little dark, sweetheart.
Just speaking my truth.
I like you like this, all goth and surly.
- Fuck off.
- It's adorable.
You know, your father and I talked about a prenup when we were getting married and we decided against it, but it took a lot of talking.
I think you just need to be honest with Allison.
Like you should be honest about what happened with Oliver? I told you, nothing happened with Oliver.
And yet, all evidence points to the contrary.
Can we talk about this later, please? Your son has come to us for advice and we should be laser-focused on him right now.
I am, but I have a number of lasers and they can point in different directions.
- Let's not do this here and now.
- Fine.
I'll be in the study.
I'll meet you there in one minute.
We'll be right back.
Fifty-eight, fifty-seven, fifty-six, fifty-five.
Oh, jeez.
So glad I came over.
Just to recap, you weren't invited.
Brianna, could you shut the door? Of course.
I think he meant with you on the other side.
Please don't make me go back out there and talk about marriage and babies.
Barry makes me talk about heart feels now.
Can't I just stay in here where it's nice and angry? Fine, but this conversation is also about marriage.
About a marriage I suspect your father jeopardized.
I didn't jeopardize anything.
Then why is Oliver mad? If not because you talked to Jo after you promised me you wouldn't? I did not talk to Jo.
Oliver came over and said something gay about an orchid.
Then he started asking about our marriage and it just came out.
You went back on your word.
No, no, I called an audible.
- Football reference.
- I thought hockey, but thank you.
And if you'd have been there, you'd have done the same thing.
I don't know which is worse: the fact that you went against what we agreed on, or that you don't seem to care that you hurt Oliver and his lovely bride-to-be.
- Wait, Oliver's straight? - Thank you.
- You butted in without knowing for sure? - Thank you.
You might be mad that I did it, but I know I did the right thing.
Did you? Because now Oliver hates us.
Good luck getting an invite to their Designing Women party now.
I'm sorry, who are these people? There's an orchid and a Designing Women party, - but Jo's a lady? - Right? And isn't Oliver mad at us like a gay man would be? I mean, dramatically dropping the package down and then stomping off in a huff.
He was just taking his leave like a strong Sugarbaker woman.
You can make light of this if you want to, Robert.
But I really liked Oliver.
That's why I brought him over.
Because I thought for once, I could be the one bringing a new friend into our lives.
But evidently you have enough friends on your own, so easy come, easy go with mine.
I have to hand it to you, this was a genius idea.
I forgot how much Millennials love waiting in line.
Hey, since I'm such a super genius, I've earned myself a little break, right? How little? Somewhere between what you think is appropriate and what I'm going to do? Nice try.
Hand me another box of Ménages.
Or you could just disappear in a poof of patchouli.
- Thank you.
- What happened in there? Your dad's really mad.
And not in his usual Muppet way.
- Where's Mal? [COYOTE.]
I think all the marriage and divorce talk really bummed her out.
- You know, I'm gonna go talk to her.
- [BUD.]
No, no, let me.
I'm the one who brought it up.
Hey, am I pulling these off? Nadia said I'd look good in a boot cut.
- Yeah, I think I'm gonna go.
- Yep.
I totally understand.
Excuse me, ma'am? Are you a professor or a member of the staff here? What does it look like? Like a strange woman handing out dildos.
Excuse me, these are vibrators.
Oh, well, in that case, you and your vibrators have to go.
But we are empowering young women.
- Right? - Yeah! Unless you have an empowerment permit, which doesn't exist, I'm going to have to insist that you leave.
All right, folks.
Please go to class or whatever it is you do on your parents' dime.
No, wait! Don't go! Grace, I've had enough new experiences for one day.
Can we just go home? Of course.
All right, we're leaving.
Look us up on the web! Frankie, I don't know where you went on your little break, comma, but we're being kicked off campus, period.
I'll see you at home, period.
If there is a monkey there, I'm gonna train it to strangle you and no jury will convict me, exclamation point.
But he felt production isn't necessarily a sign of economic health.
I have a little side note.
I hung out with Galbraith at Harvard and he was a hell of a guy to grab a beer with.
Excuse me, did somebody forget my rule about no phones in my seminars? Sorry I ruined girls' night.
It's okay.
It was doomed when I had to eat the pimento loaf.
Hey, you're lucky.
I'm "Mr.
" To be honest I was in a shit mood even before that.
Last night, I finally decided to stop moping around the house.
So I hired a sitter and I went to the movies.
And I ran into Mitch.
Oh, boy.
- Coming out of a fancy restaurant.
- Oh, shit.
With some woman who he may have been holding hands with.
So that might explain why I was a little negative about the whole marriage thing.
"A little negative"? You were like John Wick after they killed his puppy.
I'm sorry.
I'm also sorry you just ruined John Wick for me.
Excuse you, it came out two years ago.
There's a sequel.
Well, I've been a little busy having my whole life fall apart.
You know I get where Allison's coming from.
Divorce is so awful.
Why not give yourself a safety net? The only problem is, if you do get divorced, it undoes everything you believe and your heart will be broken.
And nothing certainly not a piece of paper, is going to protect you from that.
Are you sure Frankie's okay? She never texted you back.
Don't worry.
It's her MO.
Radio silence if she's mad or she knows she's in trouble.
I didn't hear from her for a whole day after she set off fireworks in the pantry.
Oh, she is one-of-a-kind.
So, how are things going with that new guy you're seeing? You already asked me that, honey.
I did? Oh, I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Wait, where are you going? You have to make a right on Escondido.
This isn't the way to my house.
Arlene, you don't live in that house anymore.
- What? - No.
You moved to Walden Villas a few months ago.
Don't worry.
Were you asleep? Conflict makes me a little sleepy.
I'm sorry we argued.
Me, too.
I did do some thinking about the prenup.
And I think you're right.
You deserve to go into this marriage with some security.
So I drew up a preliminary agreement for us.
"In the event of a divorce, Allison Alistair Giampietro-Smikowitz can have anything she wants from Nwabudike Douglas Bergstein.
" I don't understand.
I'm worried you might be a bad lawyer.
I'm actually a pretty good lawyer.
I've handled a lot of divorces.
And my parents are divorced.
And Mal's getting divorced.
But despite all that, or, I don't know, maybe because of it, I want to start our life together with a leap of faith.
With my whole heart.
So, you can have whatever you need to feel secure.
All I want is you.
Oh, Bud, that is so sweet.
All I want is you, too.
And I want to take that leap of faith with you.
Oh, fuck! Gregory can't eat paper! And I can't bend over.
I need you to reach in and pull it out of his throat! [GAGGING CONTINUES.]
Thank God! - Scott.
- Mom, where have you been? You weren't signed out, and I've been calling for hours.
- Are you all right? - I'm fi - Well, I think your mom got a little - Tired.
It's been a long day.
Oh, I'm sorry you were worried, honey.
Grace and I went out for a bit, and I must have forgotten my phone.
Sure you're all right? You don't want to see one of the nurses? [LAUGHS.]
I'm fine.
Let us say goodbye, I'll freshen up a little, and then we'll go to the dining hall and have dinner.
I did have a lot of fun with you guys today.
- Yeah.
Me, too.
- Oh Maybe we could do it again sometime? - I'd love to.
- Okay.
Um Scott, I know it's not my business but what's going on with your mother? Oh, she's fine most of the time.
There were a few incidents when she was living alone.
Things left to burn on the stove, forgetting how to turn off the alarm system.
That's why we convinced her to move here.
They have different levels of care in case things get worse.
I'm so sorry.
- I had no idea.
- Mom's pretty proud.
I'm sure she doesn't want you to see her any differently.
Yeah I get that.
Well, I'd better get going.
Have a nice dinner.
Oh, wait.
Do you need me to get someone to give you a ride home? No, thanks.
I can still drive myself.
Well, we'll talk about an extension later.
It seems my sister, who I haven't seen for 40 years, has taken a sudden interest in economic theory.
Hi, Teddie.
Hi, Frankie.
It's been a while.
Who died? Me.
Not physically, but bureaucratically and emotionally.
Well, I see the years haven't dimmed your gift for hyperbole.
No, in fact, they've strengthened my gifts.
I kind of feel like a Highlander.
What are you doing here? I've been thinking a lot about what if I did die.
What would I regret? And my biggest regret is what happened between us.
I want to fix this before it's too late.
You were right about Sol being gay.
I still can't believe you told me just before my wedding, but you were right about him.
I'm sorry I was right.
That's it? That's all I get? I haven't heard from you in four decades.
- What did you expect? - I don't know.
But I've had the universe up my ass to come see you and, turns out, you can't not listen to the universe.
Can't you? Can we please just talk to each other? We just did.
It made no sense, and I have a departmental meeting in seven minutes.
Well, I'm not going anywhere.
That's fine.
My meeting's in another building.
Oh, that's great, Teddie.
But I'm not giving up.
We're gonna make our peace, lady.
You hear me? We're gonna make peace! Real mature, Teddie! Real mature.
What do I do now, universe? Time Keeps moving on Friends They turn away I keep moving on But I never found out why I keep pushing so hard a dream I keep trying to make it right Through another lonely day Whoa [WOMAN.]
Okay, good night.

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