Grace and Frankie (2015) s04e06 Episode Script
The Hinge
1 [Grace Potter's "Stuck In The Middle" playing.]
Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right Here I am Stuck in the middle with you Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you Ooh, ooh [Nolan Strong and the Diablos' "Do You Remember What You Did?" playing.]
Do you remember what you did? What you did last night Cheese and crackers, Frankie.
Take your turn.
Two of clubs.
Two of hearts.
[both.]
Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti! - GD it, Teddie! - Ha-ha.
Too slow.
Hey, Robin, you're supposed to be napping.
I'm too old to nap.
Let me play.
Kid, this is a very complicated game of our own division.
- Devising.
- Don't correct me.
Don't misuse words.
She's right, Robin.
It'd take years to teach you, decades even.
But I have candy! You won't tell Mom we let you gamble? I don't tell her you change into fast clothes before school.
Deal him in.
May I shuffle? [chuckles.]
Apparently not.
[floor creaks.]
Knee again? - Knee again.
- I'm sorry you're in pain, but I hope the tools mean that you've finally considered my proposal to replace the stairs with an indoor slide.
I'm fine.
And stop leaving blueprints by my bed.
You know I didn't do that, right? I know.
For once.
The hinge is rusty and I think we have dry rot.
Are you gonna use that to climb onto the counter? No, I'm gonna use it to do an erotic dance.
Why don't we ask someone to help? I can do it myself.
- But you aren't in any real shape - I'm fine! Once you start asking other people to do things that you used to do, it's just an indoor slide into the geriatric ward.
Boy, oh boy.
Arlene really shook you up.
[gasps.]
Oh Have you given any more thought to a replacement? - For you? - For your knee.
Everything is under control.
It's just a simple matter of managing my pain, which I do with a delicate cocktail of everything.
Anything in that pile for emotional pain? Why? Did Liev Schreiber hurt himself at a celebrity golf tournament? No, I just can't stop thinking about Teddie.
Aw, Frankie, it's hard, but, you know, not all siblings are close.
I get a very impersonal Christmas E-Card every year from my brother, and that's enough for both of us.
But Teddie and I were close.
I want that back again.
- You can have it with me.
- Oh, Grace.
Sometimes I forget that within that ice sculpture of a whippet beats the hot heart of my bosom friend.
I take it back.
No.
I genuinely am asking for your advice.
No jokesies.
You ambushed your sister.
So, why not try inviting her over for a friendly dinner instead? That's a great idea.
I will ambush her with a dinner invitation! You can buffer.
I'll get our trench coats.
Enticing as that sounds, I'm headed to the hardware store.
I have a date with a broken piece of old wood.
Well, Nick will be jealous, but I think it sounds like a much better match for you.
Sorry, you just teed me right up.
[door opens and closes.]
Hey, you busy? In fact, I am.
Now that you've alienated our new friends I'm looking for other candidates on this website I've found called Adult Friend Finder.
That is not what that's for.
I forgot, you're the expert on adult friends.
Listen, I don't want to fight with you anymore, Sol.
I'm sorry about last night.
And? And I shouldn't have talked to Oliver.
- [sighs.]
And? - And I screwed up.
And? And I'm out of things to apologize for, but I do have a peace offering.
Well, I don't know what kind of peace offering you could possibly What are those? I booked us a luxury berth on the world's premiere and only folk music cruise.
Both Tides Now?! Yes! I've been dying to go on this cruise for years! I know! I thought it sank.
No, that was its competitor, Hey, Mr.
Tambourine Boat.
Both Tides Now is a floating stage for some of folk rock's greatest greats! And for some of folk rock's greatest pretty-okays.
But you hate folk rock.
And cruises.
You'll be in hell.
But I'll be with you.
I want us to have some quality time together.
No jails, no jazz hands, just us.
What about The Music Man? How can you miss rehearsals? I'm quitting.
But I thought you were enjoying assistant directing.
You mean assisting Peter while he ignores my notes or steals them? Well, if you're not happy We'd get to eat pancakes shaped like Joan Baez with Joan Baez! And Cobe Tobenz, the Charo of the Ozarks.
If he's out of rehab.
Possibly? I assume there will be drinks on this cruise? - How does a Negroni Mitchell sound? - Like I'm gonna need a lot of them.
- Oh, baby.
- [chuckling.]
I gotta get out my folk wear.
[laughing.]
Holy God, you two run fast.
Yeah, we've been running every day before AA.
And after AA.
- We have a lot of energy - To get rid of.
Speaking of not having sex, I just got Anne of Green Gables on Blu-ray! - Ooh! - Fancy a trip through Victorian Canada? - Absolutely! - With me and Allison? Absolutely wish I could, but, uh Nadia and I have a thing later.
No, we don't.
I have a movie makeup exam for my cosmetology class.
But as far as I know, you're totally free.
Anne of Green Gables and Allison.
- You're gonna have fun.
- [silent mouthing.]
Okay, gotta go practice my scab work.
Bye, boys! Wish you'd give Allison a shot.
It sucks having my best friend/brother hate my best friend/mother of my child.
- Come on, I don't hate her.
- Then come over.
[grunts.]
I am going to marry this girl.
I know.
Then spend some time with her.
Make an effort.
She's more than just a collection of imaginary rashes.
Fine.
I'll come over later.
For you.
And because these shorts, they don't wick moisture well, so they tend to stink up the old tiny house.
You do not want to be in that hotbox.
- Thanks, man.
Really means a lot.
- [door opens, closes.]
What the hell are you doing? Inviting you to dinner! How'd you even know I was gonna be here? Well, when last we met, I intuited you needed a root canal.
And my suspicions were confirmed when I snuck into your office this morning and saw it on your calendar.
You're blocking my car.
Teddie, I realize I approached things all wrong Hmm.
You got that right.
by letting you escape.
I'd like to invite you to a formal, clearing the air dinner, Chez moi.
No, thank you.
But I haven't given you my avails yet.
I don't need them.
I'm not coming.
But I need us to talk.
Oh, what's there to talk about? My wedding.
Oh, you mean when I said Sol was gay and I was right? Oh, there, the air is cleared.
May I go now? I had a stroke.
And you're telling me this because? Because it scared the hell out of me.
I don't want to leave things unresolved with us.
So you are using the threat of your death to get me to come to dinner? I am if it's working.
Things aren't unresolved, they just are the way they are.
So, you'd be fine if I'd died with us not speaking to one another? Well, why start now? You haven't been in my life for years.
And based on what's happening here, I think it's been better for it.
You know what? I tried, Teddie.
I guess you don't care if I forgive you.
What did you say? Enjoy the rest of your life.
[indistinct chatter over P.
A.
.]
Oh.
Excuse me, ma'am? Hi, for our differently-abled shoppers' convenience, our scooter station is right there.
I'm not a scooter-cart person.
Do I look like a scooter-cart person? [stammers.]
If it's not too forward, I would like to say you look very beautiful today.
Why is Big Anthony waving at me? Because he is having the time of his life.
Look, just tell me if you have this, uh This is a hinge for an indoor shutter.
It's hinge number 853002.
We have it.
It's a bit of a haul, but you're gonna have to go 234.
Got it.
Aisle 34.
Oh, no, no 234, as in two hundred.
[clears throat.]
Oh, wow, you just swallow it dry, huh? I'm a professional.
Hmm.
[playing "Seventy-Six Trombones".]
[singing along.]
- Stop! - [stammers.]
That was great! Just spectacular.
- Really? - No.
I was just saying something in a convincing way.
That's called "acting.
" Want to give it a try? Yes, I'm going to act like I wasn't hurt by that comment.
You're even bad at that.
- Sorry I'm late.
- Who? Oh, hi, Robert.
Peter, do you have a moment? Not really, Robert.
This number is a bust.
The play is ruined.
Every bad thing the dead parents of everyone here ever said about them was true.
I did have a note about this number.
- Oh, you did? - Mm-hmm.
What kind of note? Well Paul is marching in place, but he should be engaging the audience.
He needs to march down to the front, sing straight out, and pull all of us into the band.
Hold, everyone! I've had a vision! Paul, you need to march down to the front, sing straight out, and pull all of us into the band.
Take it from the top.
[piano playing.]
[singing along.]
What did you want to talk about? - [Paul screams.]
- [all gasp.]
- Oh, my God! - [Paul.]
My bones! [Paul groaning.]
Terrible note, Robert.
Say you won't replace me.
How could we? There's just one you.
You just get better and you'll be back treading the boards ASAP.
Thanks, Peter.
Okay, those legs are dog meat.
You've gotta step in and play Harold.
- But you just said you wouldn't - Again, acting.
Am I the only one here who knows how to do it? George could do it.
Look at George! Do you really think he can pull off pinstripes? He'll look like a can of Tab in a hat.
Oh, oh.
What about Charlie? He could play Hill.
- I can't do it.
- Why not? I know my strengths, and I don't have any.
- Oh, geez.
- There you go, Robert.
It's you.
No! It can't be me.
I came here today to quit.
- What? - Things have been rough with Sol.
We need some time together.
I'm taking him on a folk music cruise.
Oh, because marital problems are always solved on open water.
Don't you watch Dateline? I'll end up on Dateline for sure if we don't make this trip.
There's always time to fix your marriage.
- I need a Harold Hill.
- And I need my husband.
It pains me to rob the greater San Diego area of my Tappy Award-winning gifts, but I'm afraid I must.
Wow, Robert, this is rich.
- It's your fault we're in this position.
- What?! It's also eerily similar to my favorite part in Showgirls.
You're not hearing me.
Are you hearing yourself? Look at all these people.
You'd be letting the entire company down.
Think of Charlie.
This is all she has.
Be the first person to ever think about Charlie.
[sighs.]
[knock on door.]
Teddie.
How'd you find my house? You're not the only one with good detective skills.
I followed you home and it wasn't easy.
You drive like a lunatic.
Well, it's chipmunk mating season You don't get to forgive me.
[scoffs.]
What? You seem to be under the impression that you're the injured party here.
- Well, I am.
- Did you know that I had breast cancer? Oh.
No, I didn't.
When? Ninety-three to '97.
And, oh yes, again briefly in 2003.
Of course, my husband wasn't with me for that round because he passed in '99.
I'm sorry.
[sighs.]
Well, I'm sorry you had a stroke, but, Frankie, you cut me out of your life after your wedding, not the other way around.
Because of the thing with Sol.
It was the last straw.
You'd always been angry at me.
Even before my wedding, it seemed like the happier I was, the madder you got.
And I never really knew why.
Really? You never knew? Well, I thought maybe you were jealous of my hair.
Frankie, this is not about Sol being gay or me being spiteful.
It's about what you did after Robin died.
[scoffs.]
I don't know what's keeping Bud.
More distilled water? No, thanks.
I'm stuffed.
[cell phones chime.]
"Hey, you two.
Sorry.
Just gonna be another 15 to 175 minutes late.
" I think we've been set up.
What do you mean? Bud is trying to force us to spend time together.
Oh, is this because I told him I didn't want to hang out with you? Wait, hold on a second.
I told him that I didn't want to hang out with you.
Why wouldn't you want to hang out with me? Gee, I don't know.
Because you get an erotic thrill from EpiPens? Yeah, I know.
You think I'm a drip.
At least I pay rent here.
Hey, I paid my rent in fun.
Are you implying that I'm not fun? No.
No.
I'm having a blast right now.
Me, too.
Leaving us here alone together was a great idea, Bud.
All right, look.
Clearly, he really wants us to be friends.
- It's not like I want to be your enemy.
- Yeah.
And I don't want to be your enemy, either.
So, since we both love Bud, do you want to try and, you know bond? Okay.
Sure.
What's your favorite band? I don't listen to music.
It aggravates my Meniere's disease.
Cool.
There.
Use your grabber! On the side of your chair! You gotta yank! Would you please keep your voice down? There.
Oh! Damn it.
Excuse me? Hi.
Do you know where the dog condominiums are? Yeah? - Oh, God.
I hate my fucking life.
- It goes with the dog houses.
- I think it's a brand, maybe? - [chair beeping.]
It's for my girlfriend and her dog.
She's pretty particular about - It had to be a condominium.
- [scraping.]
Uh Uh, ma'am, you have to pay for that! - Keep it! - [door beeping.]
You also have to leave the scooter! I'll leave it on the curb! - [crashing.]
- Fu uck! [groans.]
This isn't about Robin.
Oh, sure it is! After he died, you did whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted.
You ran off with some guy, then you ran off with some band.
You're holding that against me? I had to get out of that house.
Which meant I had to stay.
No.
You chose to stay.
How else could you feel like a martyr? Why don't you grow up? I did.
Do you think it was easy to strike out on my own at 18? I think it's easier to pick up and bail than it is to stay.
No.
It was very lonely.
But after Robin, it was just too hard.
Dad was never the same, Mom checked out.
You were always on me about something.
School.
Boys.
Reefer.
Well, apparently not enough, if the choice of your decor is any indication.
Those are collector's items.
I'm sorry you never approved of me, Teddie.
But I love my house.
I love my life.
I'm proud of my family.
And even of my super gay ex, Sol.
Well, then So what do you need me for? Because once upon a time you were my best friend.
Don't you think I wanted that to go on? You were my best friend, but you were also my sister.
- And things were brutal.
- That's why I left.
What was there to stay for? Me.
Officer, this has never happened before, and it will never, ever happen again.
Yeah, considering the extremely unusual circumstances here, - I actually believe that.
- Yeah.
But I do have to ask if you've been drinking.
You do? Why? Because you hit a police car with a scooter and you smell like Boston.
Well, I have a prescription.
Have one for that flask in your purse? Girl to girl, what are my options here? Police officer to drunk lady, I'm gonna have to write you up for public intox.
How you planning on getting home? Excuse me, Officer.
Hi.
I was just about to drive my friend home.
- That's Barry.
- I'm Barry.
Hi, Barry.
Hey! I've been on the folk cruise message boards and people think our surprise special guest might be Dan Fogelberg.
Oh, I think he's dead.
Oh.
I should tell them.
How are you? How'd it go with Peter? Did he cry? Did he yell? Did he call you the C-word? You won't believe what happened.
- You didn't quit.
- No, I quit.
I'm officially no longer Peter's assistant director.
Oh, thank God.
You scared me.
Yeah, but when I was doing that, Paul sort of tumbled off the stage and broke both legs.
- What? - Yes! Is he all right? Yes, but he's out for the season, bless his heart.
And now Peter wants me to play Harold Hill.
Oh.
I told him I can't, of course.
Oh.
Good.
But you know, he really laid it on thick.
Yeah, I think I know the feeling.
Are we going on this cruise or not? Well, of course we are.
Right? I thought we were.
Well then we are.
Right? You want me to tell you to go save the show instead.
[sighs.]
Honey.
I knew you'd understand.
Because I'm not going to.
Oh.
[sighs.]
Well, um I thought we could check if there's another cruise There isn't.
It's once a year, and I'm going.
- Whether you come or not.
- Oh, you can't go without me.
Sure I can! I'll be a free man in Paris.
Or off the coast of Baja, California.
Let's face it, you didn't want to come anyway.
That's not true.
I want us to spend some time together.
Not badly enough.
So you do your thing and I'll do mine.
Sol! [door slams.]
- [door opens.]
- [Sol.]
Sorry, that was the wind.
[door slams harder.]
[Sol shouts.]
That was me! Before you guys yell at me, I figured a good Escape Room scenario just might - Uh, what's going on? - Hey, buddy.
Why don't you come sit down? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Is everything okay? - Yeah, sweetie.
Come here.
We just, um we need to talk to you about something.
And the important thing to remember is, this is not your fault.
Bud, sometimes two people try very hard to make things work, but Your brother and I have decided to not like each other amicably.
What's that supposed to mean? It means that we both love you very, very much.
So much.
But we're not gonna be hanging out.
Ever.
We tried.
Very hard.
But We've grown apart in the last 45 minutes.
Forty, but it feels like 45.
Yeah.
Wait.
So, that's it? You're just gonna stop trying? - No, little guy.
- No, we would never give up on you.
We're just gonna love you separately.
[chuckles.]
Okay.
Okay.
I shouldn't have set you up, that's on me.
But you realize how immature this is.
Or is it the most mature thing we could possibly do? No.
No, it's not.
What I was doing was mature.
- Tricking us? - Not that part.
All right, Bud remember when Mom and Dad told us that they were splitting up? And we didn't know how we were gonna get through it, but we did.
And everything's fine.
You know, it's separate, but it's fine.
And we all do things together.
We're friends with Mom.
We're friends with Dad.
We're friends with Robert.
We know Grace.
And everything's fine.
And everything's fine.
[sighs.]
Thank you for the help back there.
Sure, it's no problem.
But you did not see me.
You did not see that thing that I was driving.
Look, I'm an accountant.
I'm used to ignoring the law.
I don't know why I said that.
I love the law.
Well, there was this one time, I bought a leather jacket and I - Barry.
- Sorry.
- This car ride never happened.
- Thank you.
Yeah.
Look, I'm probably gonna regret asking this, but are you okay? Look, since this car ride is not happening, you know, you might as well come clean, right? It's my knee.
And I don't want Brianna to know how bad it is, because she is mean and judgmental and she will put me in a home.
If anyone would think it was cool to be drunk in a hardware store, it's your daughter.
Yeah, she'd probably get a kick out of it.
Yeah.
And she actually might be really understanding if - I don't know, something was wrong.
- Nothing's wrong.
Well, except I might be a scooter person after all.
I'm sorry, a "scooter person"? I don't know.
It's like my body is just slipping away.
[whooshes.]
And it's the fucking pits, Barry.
You'll see when you hit 70.
One day it's a hinge, the next day it's the whole damn house.
Well, the house looks pretty good from where I'm sitting.
Barry, are you hitting on me? No! No! No! That can't be what's happening.
No.
All I'm saying is that if you are, you know, over 70, and you think that's giving you a run for your money, then I'm screwed.
I mean, look at you.
You know, you're selling sex toys, and doing your own home renovation.
I can barely lift the dog condo on the roof.
[scoffs.]
I don't know what I was thinking trying to fix that shutter by myself.
[gasps.]
Oh, my God! I still need a hinge.
Would you take me to Lowe's? Sure can do.
Let's plug it in the old navigation.
Oh.
Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.
[clears throat.]
I was kidding.
I know where it is.
What? Would you believe that I didn't drive on the highway for years because of Robin? Sometimes I wonder today, you know, with airbags and seat belts Well, I never think about that.
But I do wonder what he would look like today.
Oh, God, he'd be 50 years old.
Frankie, he was six years younger than you.
Right, so that would make him Sixty-eight.
Huh.
You never did learn math, did you? I did, but I lost it again at Lollapalooza.
I'm sorry about your husband.
I'm sorry about your breast cancer.
No, it's okay.
I'm okay.
I had reconstruction, so now I have the bosom of a teenager.
[laughs.]
But I'm sorry about all the stuff I missed, particularly your boys.
- I'd love for you to meet them.
- Mmm.
You know, we almost named Coyote "Robin," but I thought it might be too tough.
As opposed to "Coyote"? Ha ha.
[laughing.]
I probably should be going.
- No.
No rush.
- Oh, no, no.
I have papers to mark.
Here.
One game? Are you gonna cheat? Super definitely.
But I don't have any gum on me.
I know what we can use.
You realize your roommate's a drug addict, right? Oh, I know.
- Do you remember what you did? - Do you remember what you did? - What you did last night - What you did last night - Do you remember what you did? - Do you remember what you did? - What you did last night - What you did last night You had your arms around me You hugged and squeezed me tight - Do you remember what you said? - Do you remember what you said? - What you said last night - What you said last night - Do you remember what you said? - Do you remember what you said? - What you said last night - What you said last night Nobody loves me all night [woman.]
Okay, good night.
Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right Here I am Stuck in the middle with you Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you Ooh, ooh [Nolan Strong and the Diablos' "Do You Remember What You Did?" playing.]
Do you remember what you did? What you did last night Cheese and crackers, Frankie.
Take your turn.
Two of clubs.
Two of hearts.
[both.]
Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti! - GD it, Teddie! - Ha-ha.
Too slow.
Hey, Robin, you're supposed to be napping.
I'm too old to nap.
Let me play.
Kid, this is a very complicated game of our own division.
- Devising.
- Don't correct me.
Don't misuse words.
She's right, Robin.
It'd take years to teach you, decades even.
But I have candy! You won't tell Mom we let you gamble? I don't tell her you change into fast clothes before school.
Deal him in.
May I shuffle? [chuckles.]
Apparently not.
[floor creaks.]
Knee again? - Knee again.
- I'm sorry you're in pain, but I hope the tools mean that you've finally considered my proposal to replace the stairs with an indoor slide.
I'm fine.
And stop leaving blueprints by my bed.
You know I didn't do that, right? I know.
For once.
The hinge is rusty and I think we have dry rot.
Are you gonna use that to climb onto the counter? No, I'm gonna use it to do an erotic dance.
Why don't we ask someone to help? I can do it myself.
- But you aren't in any real shape - I'm fine! Once you start asking other people to do things that you used to do, it's just an indoor slide into the geriatric ward.
Boy, oh boy.
Arlene really shook you up.
[gasps.]
Oh Have you given any more thought to a replacement? - For you? - For your knee.
Everything is under control.
It's just a simple matter of managing my pain, which I do with a delicate cocktail of everything.
Anything in that pile for emotional pain? Why? Did Liev Schreiber hurt himself at a celebrity golf tournament? No, I just can't stop thinking about Teddie.
Aw, Frankie, it's hard, but, you know, not all siblings are close.
I get a very impersonal Christmas E-Card every year from my brother, and that's enough for both of us.
But Teddie and I were close.
I want that back again.
- You can have it with me.
- Oh, Grace.
Sometimes I forget that within that ice sculpture of a whippet beats the hot heart of my bosom friend.
I take it back.
No.
I genuinely am asking for your advice.
No jokesies.
You ambushed your sister.
So, why not try inviting her over for a friendly dinner instead? That's a great idea.
I will ambush her with a dinner invitation! You can buffer.
I'll get our trench coats.
Enticing as that sounds, I'm headed to the hardware store.
I have a date with a broken piece of old wood.
Well, Nick will be jealous, but I think it sounds like a much better match for you.
Sorry, you just teed me right up.
[door opens and closes.]
Hey, you busy? In fact, I am.
Now that you've alienated our new friends I'm looking for other candidates on this website I've found called Adult Friend Finder.
That is not what that's for.
I forgot, you're the expert on adult friends.
Listen, I don't want to fight with you anymore, Sol.
I'm sorry about last night.
And? And I shouldn't have talked to Oliver.
- [sighs.]
And? - And I screwed up.
And? And I'm out of things to apologize for, but I do have a peace offering.
Well, I don't know what kind of peace offering you could possibly What are those? I booked us a luxury berth on the world's premiere and only folk music cruise.
Both Tides Now?! Yes! I've been dying to go on this cruise for years! I know! I thought it sank.
No, that was its competitor, Hey, Mr.
Tambourine Boat.
Both Tides Now is a floating stage for some of folk rock's greatest greats! And for some of folk rock's greatest pretty-okays.
But you hate folk rock.
And cruises.
You'll be in hell.
But I'll be with you.
I want us to have some quality time together.
No jails, no jazz hands, just us.
What about The Music Man? How can you miss rehearsals? I'm quitting.
But I thought you were enjoying assistant directing.
You mean assisting Peter while he ignores my notes or steals them? Well, if you're not happy We'd get to eat pancakes shaped like Joan Baez with Joan Baez! And Cobe Tobenz, the Charo of the Ozarks.
If he's out of rehab.
Possibly? I assume there will be drinks on this cruise? - How does a Negroni Mitchell sound? - Like I'm gonna need a lot of them.
- Oh, baby.
- [chuckling.]
I gotta get out my folk wear.
[laughing.]
Holy God, you two run fast.
Yeah, we've been running every day before AA.
And after AA.
- We have a lot of energy - To get rid of.
Speaking of not having sex, I just got Anne of Green Gables on Blu-ray! - Ooh! - Fancy a trip through Victorian Canada? - Absolutely! - With me and Allison? Absolutely wish I could, but, uh Nadia and I have a thing later.
No, we don't.
I have a movie makeup exam for my cosmetology class.
But as far as I know, you're totally free.
Anne of Green Gables and Allison.
- You're gonna have fun.
- [silent mouthing.]
Okay, gotta go practice my scab work.
Bye, boys! Wish you'd give Allison a shot.
It sucks having my best friend/brother hate my best friend/mother of my child.
- Come on, I don't hate her.
- Then come over.
[grunts.]
I am going to marry this girl.
I know.
Then spend some time with her.
Make an effort.
She's more than just a collection of imaginary rashes.
Fine.
I'll come over later.
For you.
And because these shorts, they don't wick moisture well, so they tend to stink up the old tiny house.
You do not want to be in that hotbox.
- Thanks, man.
Really means a lot.
- [door opens, closes.]
What the hell are you doing? Inviting you to dinner! How'd you even know I was gonna be here? Well, when last we met, I intuited you needed a root canal.
And my suspicions were confirmed when I snuck into your office this morning and saw it on your calendar.
You're blocking my car.
Teddie, I realize I approached things all wrong Hmm.
You got that right.
by letting you escape.
I'd like to invite you to a formal, clearing the air dinner, Chez moi.
No, thank you.
But I haven't given you my avails yet.
I don't need them.
I'm not coming.
But I need us to talk.
Oh, what's there to talk about? My wedding.
Oh, you mean when I said Sol was gay and I was right? Oh, there, the air is cleared.
May I go now? I had a stroke.
And you're telling me this because? Because it scared the hell out of me.
I don't want to leave things unresolved with us.
So you are using the threat of your death to get me to come to dinner? I am if it's working.
Things aren't unresolved, they just are the way they are.
So, you'd be fine if I'd died with us not speaking to one another? Well, why start now? You haven't been in my life for years.
And based on what's happening here, I think it's been better for it.
You know what? I tried, Teddie.
I guess you don't care if I forgive you.
What did you say? Enjoy the rest of your life.
[indistinct chatter over P.
A.
.]
Oh.
Excuse me, ma'am? Hi, for our differently-abled shoppers' convenience, our scooter station is right there.
I'm not a scooter-cart person.
Do I look like a scooter-cart person? [stammers.]
If it's not too forward, I would like to say you look very beautiful today.
Why is Big Anthony waving at me? Because he is having the time of his life.
Look, just tell me if you have this, uh This is a hinge for an indoor shutter.
It's hinge number 853002.
We have it.
It's a bit of a haul, but you're gonna have to go 234.
Got it.
Aisle 34.
Oh, no, no 234, as in two hundred.
[clears throat.]
Oh, wow, you just swallow it dry, huh? I'm a professional.
Hmm.
[playing "Seventy-Six Trombones".]
[singing along.]
- Stop! - [stammers.]
That was great! Just spectacular.
- Really? - No.
I was just saying something in a convincing way.
That's called "acting.
" Want to give it a try? Yes, I'm going to act like I wasn't hurt by that comment.
You're even bad at that.
- Sorry I'm late.
- Who? Oh, hi, Robert.
Peter, do you have a moment? Not really, Robert.
This number is a bust.
The play is ruined.
Every bad thing the dead parents of everyone here ever said about them was true.
I did have a note about this number.
- Oh, you did? - Mm-hmm.
What kind of note? Well Paul is marching in place, but he should be engaging the audience.
He needs to march down to the front, sing straight out, and pull all of us into the band.
Hold, everyone! I've had a vision! Paul, you need to march down to the front, sing straight out, and pull all of us into the band.
Take it from the top.
[piano playing.]
[singing along.]
What did you want to talk about? - [Paul screams.]
- [all gasp.]
- Oh, my God! - [Paul.]
My bones! [Paul groaning.]
Terrible note, Robert.
Say you won't replace me.
How could we? There's just one you.
You just get better and you'll be back treading the boards ASAP.
Thanks, Peter.
Okay, those legs are dog meat.
You've gotta step in and play Harold.
- But you just said you wouldn't - Again, acting.
Am I the only one here who knows how to do it? George could do it.
Look at George! Do you really think he can pull off pinstripes? He'll look like a can of Tab in a hat.
Oh, oh.
What about Charlie? He could play Hill.
- I can't do it.
- Why not? I know my strengths, and I don't have any.
- Oh, geez.
- There you go, Robert.
It's you.
No! It can't be me.
I came here today to quit.
- What? - Things have been rough with Sol.
We need some time together.
I'm taking him on a folk music cruise.
Oh, because marital problems are always solved on open water.
Don't you watch Dateline? I'll end up on Dateline for sure if we don't make this trip.
There's always time to fix your marriage.
- I need a Harold Hill.
- And I need my husband.
It pains me to rob the greater San Diego area of my Tappy Award-winning gifts, but I'm afraid I must.
Wow, Robert, this is rich.
- It's your fault we're in this position.
- What?! It's also eerily similar to my favorite part in Showgirls.
You're not hearing me.
Are you hearing yourself? Look at all these people.
You'd be letting the entire company down.
Think of Charlie.
This is all she has.
Be the first person to ever think about Charlie.
[sighs.]
[knock on door.]
Teddie.
How'd you find my house? You're not the only one with good detective skills.
I followed you home and it wasn't easy.
You drive like a lunatic.
Well, it's chipmunk mating season You don't get to forgive me.
[scoffs.]
What? You seem to be under the impression that you're the injured party here.
- Well, I am.
- Did you know that I had breast cancer? Oh.
No, I didn't.
When? Ninety-three to '97.
And, oh yes, again briefly in 2003.
Of course, my husband wasn't with me for that round because he passed in '99.
I'm sorry.
[sighs.]
Well, I'm sorry you had a stroke, but, Frankie, you cut me out of your life after your wedding, not the other way around.
Because of the thing with Sol.
It was the last straw.
You'd always been angry at me.
Even before my wedding, it seemed like the happier I was, the madder you got.
And I never really knew why.
Really? You never knew? Well, I thought maybe you were jealous of my hair.
Frankie, this is not about Sol being gay or me being spiteful.
It's about what you did after Robin died.
[scoffs.]
I don't know what's keeping Bud.
More distilled water? No, thanks.
I'm stuffed.
[cell phones chime.]
"Hey, you two.
Sorry.
Just gonna be another 15 to 175 minutes late.
" I think we've been set up.
What do you mean? Bud is trying to force us to spend time together.
Oh, is this because I told him I didn't want to hang out with you? Wait, hold on a second.
I told him that I didn't want to hang out with you.
Why wouldn't you want to hang out with me? Gee, I don't know.
Because you get an erotic thrill from EpiPens? Yeah, I know.
You think I'm a drip.
At least I pay rent here.
Hey, I paid my rent in fun.
Are you implying that I'm not fun? No.
No.
I'm having a blast right now.
Me, too.
Leaving us here alone together was a great idea, Bud.
All right, look.
Clearly, he really wants us to be friends.
- It's not like I want to be your enemy.
- Yeah.
And I don't want to be your enemy, either.
So, since we both love Bud, do you want to try and, you know bond? Okay.
Sure.
What's your favorite band? I don't listen to music.
It aggravates my Meniere's disease.
Cool.
There.
Use your grabber! On the side of your chair! You gotta yank! Would you please keep your voice down? There.
Oh! Damn it.
Excuse me? Hi.
Do you know where the dog condominiums are? Yeah? - Oh, God.
I hate my fucking life.
- It goes with the dog houses.
- I think it's a brand, maybe? - [chair beeping.]
It's for my girlfriend and her dog.
She's pretty particular about - It had to be a condominium.
- [scraping.]
Uh Uh, ma'am, you have to pay for that! - Keep it! - [door beeping.]
You also have to leave the scooter! I'll leave it on the curb! - [crashing.]
- Fu uck! [groans.]
This isn't about Robin.
Oh, sure it is! After he died, you did whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted.
You ran off with some guy, then you ran off with some band.
You're holding that against me? I had to get out of that house.
Which meant I had to stay.
No.
You chose to stay.
How else could you feel like a martyr? Why don't you grow up? I did.
Do you think it was easy to strike out on my own at 18? I think it's easier to pick up and bail than it is to stay.
No.
It was very lonely.
But after Robin, it was just too hard.
Dad was never the same, Mom checked out.
You were always on me about something.
School.
Boys.
Reefer.
Well, apparently not enough, if the choice of your decor is any indication.
Those are collector's items.
I'm sorry you never approved of me, Teddie.
But I love my house.
I love my life.
I'm proud of my family.
And even of my super gay ex, Sol.
Well, then So what do you need me for? Because once upon a time you were my best friend.
Don't you think I wanted that to go on? You were my best friend, but you were also my sister.
- And things were brutal.
- That's why I left.
What was there to stay for? Me.
Officer, this has never happened before, and it will never, ever happen again.
Yeah, considering the extremely unusual circumstances here, - I actually believe that.
- Yeah.
But I do have to ask if you've been drinking.
You do? Why? Because you hit a police car with a scooter and you smell like Boston.
Well, I have a prescription.
Have one for that flask in your purse? Girl to girl, what are my options here? Police officer to drunk lady, I'm gonna have to write you up for public intox.
How you planning on getting home? Excuse me, Officer.
Hi.
I was just about to drive my friend home.
- That's Barry.
- I'm Barry.
Hi, Barry.
Hey! I've been on the folk cruise message boards and people think our surprise special guest might be Dan Fogelberg.
Oh, I think he's dead.
Oh.
I should tell them.
How are you? How'd it go with Peter? Did he cry? Did he yell? Did he call you the C-word? You won't believe what happened.
- You didn't quit.
- No, I quit.
I'm officially no longer Peter's assistant director.
Oh, thank God.
You scared me.
Yeah, but when I was doing that, Paul sort of tumbled off the stage and broke both legs.
- What? - Yes! Is he all right? Yes, but he's out for the season, bless his heart.
And now Peter wants me to play Harold Hill.
Oh.
I told him I can't, of course.
Oh.
Good.
But you know, he really laid it on thick.
Yeah, I think I know the feeling.
Are we going on this cruise or not? Well, of course we are.
Right? I thought we were.
Well then we are.
Right? You want me to tell you to go save the show instead.
[sighs.]
Honey.
I knew you'd understand.
Because I'm not going to.
Oh.
[sighs.]
Well, um I thought we could check if there's another cruise There isn't.
It's once a year, and I'm going.
- Whether you come or not.
- Oh, you can't go without me.
Sure I can! I'll be a free man in Paris.
Or off the coast of Baja, California.
Let's face it, you didn't want to come anyway.
That's not true.
I want us to spend some time together.
Not badly enough.
So you do your thing and I'll do mine.
Sol! [door slams.]
- [door opens.]
- [Sol.]
Sorry, that was the wind.
[door slams harder.]
[Sol shouts.]
That was me! Before you guys yell at me, I figured a good Escape Room scenario just might - Uh, what's going on? - Hey, buddy.
Why don't you come sit down? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Is everything okay? - Yeah, sweetie.
Come here.
We just, um we need to talk to you about something.
And the important thing to remember is, this is not your fault.
Bud, sometimes two people try very hard to make things work, but Your brother and I have decided to not like each other amicably.
What's that supposed to mean? It means that we both love you very, very much.
So much.
But we're not gonna be hanging out.
Ever.
We tried.
Very hard.
But We've grown apart in the last 45 minutes.
Forty, but it feels like 45.
Yeah.
Wait.
So, that's it? You're just gonna stop trying? - No, little guy.
- No, we would never give up on you.
We're just gonna love you separately.
[chuckles.]
Okay.
Okay.
I shouldn't have set you up, that's on me.
But you realize how immature this is.
Or is it the most mature thing we could possibly do? No.
No, it's not.
What I was doing was mature.
- Tricking us? - Not that part.
All right, Bud remember when Mom and Dad told us that they were splitting up? And we didn't know how we were gonna get through it, but we did.
And everything's fine.
You know, it's separate, but it's fine.
And we all do things together.
We're friends with Mom.
We're friends with Dad.
We're friends with Robert.
We know Grace.
And everything's fine.
And everything's fine.
[sighs.]
Thank you for the help back there.
Sure, it's no problem.
But you did not see me.
You did not see that thing that I was driving.
Look, I'm an accountant.
I'm used to ignoring the law.
I don't know why I said that.
I love the law.
Well, there was this one time, I bought a leather jacket and I - Barry.
- Sorry.
- This car ride never happened.
- Thank you.
Yeah.
Look, I'm probably gonna regret asking this, but are you okay? Look, since this car ride is not happening, you know, you might as well come clean, right? It's my knee.
And I don't want Brianna to know how bad it is, because she is mean and judgmental and she will put me in a home.
If anyone would think it was cool to be drunk in a hardware store, it's your daughter.
Yeah, she'd probably get a kick out of it.
Yeah.
And she actually might be really understanding if - I don't know, something was wrong.
- Nothing's wrong.
Well, except I might be a scooter person after all.
I'm sorry, a "scooter person"? I don't know.
It's like my body is just slipping away.
[whooshes.]
And it's the fucking pits, Barry.
You'll see when you hit 70.
One day it's a hinge, the next day it's the whole damn house.
Well, the house looks pretty good from where I'm sitting.
Barry, are you hitting on me? No! No! No! That can't be what's happening.
No.
All I'm saying is that if you are, you know, over 70, and you think that's giving you a run for your money, then I'm screwed.
I mean, look at you.
You know, you're selling sex toys, and doing your own home renovation.
I can barely lift the dog condo on the roof.
[scoffs.]
I don't know what I was thinking trying to fix that shutter by myself.
[gasps.]
Oh, my God! I still need a hinge.
Would you take me to Lowe's? Sure can do.
Let's plug it in the old navigation.
Oh.
Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.
[clears throat.]
I was kidding.
I know where it is.
What? Would you believe that I didn't drive on the highway for years because of Robin? Sometimes I wonder today, you know, with airbags and seat belts Well, I never think about that.
But I do wonder what he would look like today.
Oh, God, he'd be 50 years old.
Frankie, he was six years younger than you.
Right, so that would make him Sixty-eight.
Huh.
You never did learn math, did you? I did, but I lost it again at Lollapalooza.
I'm sorry about your husband.
I'm sorry about your breast cancer.
No, it's okay.
I'm okay.
I had reconstruction, so now I have the bosom of a teenager.
[laughs.]
But I'm sorry about all the stuff I missed, particularly your boys.
- I'd love for you to meet them.
- Mmm.
You know, we almost named Coyote "Robin," but I thought it might be too tough.
As opposed to "Coyote"? Ha ha.
[laughing.]
I probably should be going.
- No.
No rush.
- Oh, no, no.
I have papers to mark.
Here.
One game? Are you gonna cheat? Super definitely.
But I don't have any gum on me.
I know what we can use.
You realize your roommate's a drug addict, right? Oh, I know.
- Do you remember what you did? - Do you remember what you did? - What you did last night - What you did last night - Do you remember what you did? - Do you remember what you did? - What you did last night - What you did last night You had your arms around me You hugged and squeezed me tight - Do you remember what you said? - Do you remember what you said? - What you said last night - What you said last night - Do you remember what you said? - Do you remember what you said? - What you said last night - What you said last night Nobody loves me all night [woman.]
Okay, good night.