Grace and Frankie (2015) s04e07 Episode Script

The Landline

Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right Here I am Stuck in the middle with you Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you Ooh, ooh [KEYBOARD CLACKING.]
How was the funeral? Best one this week.
I'd give it four out of five headstones.
Why'd you hold back on the fifth? Oh, to get the fifth headstone, I need something really special.
You know, marching bands.
All-you-can-eat vodka.
You know, if you used your glasses, you wouldn't need to squint.
I'd use them if I could find them.
Is a hundred dollars too much to pay for same-day shipping? Finally pulling the trigger on that canoe you've had in your shopping cart for weeks? Already on the way.
I'm talking cribs.
Surprisingly traditional choice.
I'm sure it'll look postmodern when you finish putting it together.
Sol's putting it together, then I will "Frankie-tize" it.
Oh, I assume that means a lot of hemp and beads.
Beads are a choking hazard, Grace.
What kind of grandmother are you? The kind that buys the crib and never goes near it again.
- That better not be my credit card.
- Oh, don't worry.
I'm not using your card without permission.
Thank you.
I'm using Sol's card without permission.
Oh, God, Frankie.
You really gotta get your cards and your life back.
I've been trying.
I don't know what to do anymore.
They turned off my cell phone today.
Which reminds me, you've gotta put me on your family plan.
I'm not answering that.
- I will.
- No, no, no! Only old people use the landline.
And the only reason they use it is to give us directions to a funeral home.
But it might be Coyote or Bud.
They know that my cell phone was shut off.
Hello? Uh-huh.
Ah, it's for you.
Someone died.
I'm sorry about your friend Mary.
Me, too.
Another funeral I've got to go to.
Another funeral we have to go to.
So you're going with me? Unless you'd like me to go on my own.
Well, you took a cruise on your own.
And I could take a cruise to the funeral, but I don't know what the docking situation is there.
Look, you don't have to go.
I mean, Mary wasn't your friend.
I said I'll go.
Okay? - Unless you don't want to.
- Do you want me to go or not? Because I could use the time to build my granddaughter's crib.
I would love to have you with me, but I totally understand.
I mean, you are retired and have all the time in the world to assemble a crib, but you're right.
You shouldn't go.
Are you upset I'm not going? I'm upset we're still having this conversation.
I know why you're calling.
No, you don't.
You're calling to see what special plans I have for us tomorrow.
I'm calling to cancel.
- My friend Mary died.
- Oh, my God.
Boy, I'm not often wrong, but when I am I'm so sorry.
When's the funeral? I'll pick you up.
No! No, you don't need to come.
Why not? Mary was a friend of yours.
I'd really love to be there for you.
As good as that sounds no.
We just started sleepovers and meeting family.
If we do funerals now, what have we got to look forward to? Are you sure? I look damn fine in black.
So does Morticia Addams, and I'm not going with her, either.
You know who else looks great in black? My chauffeur.
The least I can do is have him drive you there.
Listen, when I go to a funeral in a long, black car, I won't be returning.
Anybody die since I went upstairs? I almost did when Nick said he wanted to join me at Mary's funeral.
That's sweet, right? No, it's a terrible idea.
Why? What do you think when you see a man with a much younger woman? How tall is he? Doesn't matter.
Height matters a lot to women, Grace.
I mean, not with you, apparently.
You tower over Nick like the Empire State Building.
Well, I think that what people see is a man desperately trying to deny how old he is.
And it is pathetic.
- Especially if he's short.
- Especially if he's me.
I'm the short man who doesn't want his friends to think he's pathetic.
Then don't wear heels.
Oh, Jesus.
Good talk, Frances.
How is it that I'm a single mother with four kids under the age of nine and I still get to work before you? What? I said, how is it I'm a single mother Heard you, don't care.
Why are you here? - What's this? - My resume.
Why is this? Because I'm going crazy at home and I need adult stimulation.
Okay, go see Mom.
She manufactures adult stimulation.
I need a job.
And you realize there's a proper protocol, it's called an "application.
" - And please include two references.
- You can at least hear me out.
I have a great product idea for kids.
- Hate it already.
- Why? Children don't have money.
Brianna, you could at least listen to my idea.
Or tomorrow, I show up even earlier with my kids.
- Agh.
- All four of them.
One, two, three, four.
All right, here's what we're gonna do.
I will call in the product nerds where you can pitch your nerd ideas to the people I pay to hear nerd shit.
You're a great sister.
Still gonna need those references.
- Will you be a reference? - Nope.
Hey, what did those cute zebras, elephants, and giraffes ever do to you? Nothing.
That's why I'm cutting 'em loose.
So our granddaughter is just going to be looking at strings? No.
She's gonna be looking up at Gloria Steinem, Maya Angelou, and Snoop Dogg, just 'cause I like him.
And Oh, wait! Amelia Earhart is missing.
We lost her again? No, no, here she is.
And your credit card I borrowed.
I'm sorry, I might have maxed it out at the 99 Cent Store.
You know how that stuff all adds up.
Frankie, this is insane.
I know.
I had to leave two berets behind.
I mean, we have to get you back to the land of the living.
Oh, says you, says Grace, says me.
I just don't know how.
All right.
I was hoping we wouldn't have to go this far, but I have an idea.
We need to get you arrested.
Arrested? How is that gonna help anything? They can't process someone who's dead.
Once you break the law, suddenly you mean something to someone.
We used to be so good at breaking the law.
We sure were.
I know you've done time recently, but I haven't been arrested since we went to that cosmetic company and tried to free those test rabbits.
I live with that failure every day.
Every time I close my eyes, I can see those rabbits.
Oh, there's one.
There's one.
Oh, God, there's one.
Come on, Frankie.
Let's do it.
Let's get you born again.
It'll be like old times.
I guess we don't have anything to lose.
I mean, you're retired, I'm dead.
Let's do some good and get you arrested! Yes! I'm coming for you, my furry friends! [BOTH.]
When Sol dies, he wants to be turned into a coral reef.
Frankie wants to be shot into outer space.
Boy, did we end up with weird people.
Well, you chose your weird person.
I was tethered to mine.
Do you remember our first funeral together? Your Aunt Gwen? - Brianna's hamster, Stud.
- Oh! Stud That was the day Brianna almost showed emotion.
Am I a terrible person that I felt more emotional with Stud's passing - than I do with Mary's? - Not at all.
A hamster like Stud doesn't come along very often.
No, I'm serious, Robert.
I liked Mary.
Why don't I feel anything? I think you're just becoming numb from going to so many of these.
- Yeah.
- Here we are.
Well, at least this one's different.
They have a valet.
That's no valet.
- Nick, what - I know you said not to come You were probably confused by that.
See, what I meant was, "Don't come.
" You just lost a friend, so I wanted to be supportive.
I'm fine.
I don't need support.
Here's your cane, Grace.
You must be Robert.
Yes, and you are? Nick Skolka.
Funeral crasher.
This is Nick? Your Nick? Oh, you've heard of me.
- That's a good sign.
- Yeah, well, don't read into it.
Oh, it's just that you're so young.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.
I just hadn't heard that you were so much less older.
Okay, you speak now.
Congrats on your Tappy Award.
- How did you know about my Tappy? - I own dressbarn.
You may have seen me on Undercover Boss.
- I hadn't, but I'll look for you.
- I dress as a lady.
Oh, my.
Would you excuse us just for few minutes? - I'll park the car.
- Thanks.
This is really weird for me, Nick.
See, my friends don't know about us and a funeral isn't the place to tell them.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Especially her.
- The woman or the blind dog? - Hi.
Ah! You kept it.
You were so excited to burn your first bra, you almost forgot to take it off.
Yeah, thanks for your help on that.
Man, we did some crazy shit together.
- Oh, and look at us doing it again, man.
- Far out.
Oh! Here they are.
Our old recon photos of the animal testing facility.
Are we gonna stick with our old plan? I would, but I don't remember what it is.
Me, neither.
You know, I saw something on The Americans.
I'm listening.
When Martha was about to No, no, no, no! I haven't caught up yet! Okay, okay, new plan.
I'll run interference And I'll run around and open all the cages.
Yes! You're going to need this.
Oh, God.
Out of sight.
Well, I know I'm going to miss Mary's infectious laugh.
She seemed to never have a bad day, huh? I wouldn't call dying on the plastic surgeon's table a good day.
That's how it happened? [GASPS.]
Oh, my God.
Grace, I wasn't sure I'd see you again, but I never thought I'd see you with a cane.
Well it's what you get when you ski a black diamond.
Skiing, in the middle of summer? Water-skiing on Black Diamond Lake.
- I've heard it's beautiful there! - Mm-hmm.
I didn't know you water-skied.
Oh, Grace wanted us to try it for years.
It took us getting divorced before she finally picked it up on her own.
See? Hey, do you need me to get you anything? Grace, I think your aide is trying to get your attention.
He's not my aide.
Oh, sorry.
I'm Janet.
Who might you be? - I'm Nick.
I'm with Grace.
I'm her - Associate.
- Associate.
- Your associate? We associate.
So nice to meet your younger associate.
He's not so young.
- He's very rich.
- She's right.
- I'm super rich and super old.
- Yeah.
Come on, let's go get a refreshment, Nick.
We can talk about how much you love soft food.
I have to pay my respects to Mary's family and then we can sneak out.
Until then here.
Lay low.
If I lay any lower, I'll be spending eternity next to Mary.
Just stay.
You're not staying for my pitch? I wish I could, but I've got a thing, a big thing, that I need to un-thing.
Take good care of my sister, you guys.
So, Brianna says you have an amazing product idea that we absolutely have to make work unless we absolutely can't.
kids are not getting the vitamin D they need these days because doctors, rightfully, are telling them to stay out of the sun.
Big problem.
It's big.
I saw my niece recently.
A ghost.
What I want to talk to you about today is vitamin D-infused sunscreen for kids.
No can do.
The kids market is impossibly tough to tap.
Well, it doesn't have to be just for kids.
- That market's hard to tap, too.
- The everybody market? It's more about the lotion.
We're not really a lotion business.
All of your products are lotions.
You have a lotion machine downstairs.
It's called an extruder, but it's really more for creams and gels.
Okay, I see what's going on here.
Uh, you do? Yeah.
My sister told you to placate me and get me out, because I'm just an unqualified, stay-at-home mom who's never had a full-time job.
That's it, right? Can we send you home with some of our nighttime foot gels? Where have all the flowers gone? Long time passing - Where have all the flowers gone? - [MIMICS TROMBONE.]
Long time ago You should've been on that cruise with me! Honestly, I don't know how you went without me.
We would've had a blast.
Especially after a few Peter, Paul, and Bloody Marys.
Did they have a Judy Tom Collins? [LAUGHING.]
Oh, God.
Robert would have hated it.
Speaking of, I've gotta ask: how was Robert on a protest? Robert tried.
It's just not in his DNA like with us.
I guess you gotta cut him some slack.
He's a square like Grace.
Try explaining to a square just what Jerry meant to the Dead.
- They're just never gonna get it.
- No kidding.
The only "Jerry" Robert knows is Jerry Herman.
Who the quack is that? He wrote Mack and Mabel.
Who the quack are they? [LAUGHING.]
So, what's next for the Tappy winner? I'm starring in a new production.
Although I'm kind of regretting it.
It's causing a rift between me and my husband.
I'm sorry to hear that.
- What show? - The Music Man.
- Are you playing Harold Hill? - I am.
I was Harold Hill at UC Santa Barbara! Get out of here, that was my safety school.
I played in front of hundreds of students, parents, homeless surfer dudes.
I wish I'd played it in college.
Then maybe I could remember some of these lyrics to "Trouble.
" You're not alone, my friend.
Even this college junior started wondering if the majestic Quaalude had taken its toll on his memory.
- So what did you do? - I switched to cocaine.
That's not going to help me.
- I'm not even allowed to have caffeine.
- Oh.
Say, shall we go and get some decaffeinated refreshments? I'm afraid to move.
Grace has me laying low.
I know that game.
I'm not used to that game.
I keep trying to push this relationship forward and she's Whoa, whoa, whoa.
There's your problem.
You cannot push Grace.
Take it from someone who pushed her over the edge.
I gotta do something.
I'm crazy about her.
Then you have to lay back a little and let her make her way to you.
Of course, I am the gay ex-husband, so you have to take everything from me with a grain of salt.
I don't know how Mary's gonna live without Sonny.
He was everything to her.
Arlene, honey, it's Mary who passed.
Sonny is standing right over there.
See? Oh, right, of course.
Well, maybe it was just wishful thinking.
I was never a fan of Sonny.
Well, you got trouble, my friend Right here I say trouble right here in River City Why, sure, I'm a billiards player Certainly mighty proud I say I'm always mighty proud to say it I consider that the hours I spend With a cue Will you two knock it off? Grace, did you know Nick played Harold Hill in college? No.
Did he play it at a funeral home? Well, Sunday matinees sometimes felt that way.
Excuse me, I'm gonna go get some ambrosia.
I was helping him learn a song after you banished me to the corner.
Am I not supposed to talk to anybody, either? Talk, yes.
Throw a USO show, no.
Look, I'm sorry I came here today.
I am just annoying you.
Maybe I should just go.
Look, you are annoying me, but at least I'm feeling something.
That's cool.
Oh, just the two of you? Or should I come back in a minute when you're a party of 12? Do you know of an animal testing plant that's supposed to be here? It's gone.
It's Chili's now.
Welcome to Chili's.
Well, at least someone did what had to be done and shut them down.
Oh, no.
They just moved to Nevada.
Nevada? [SCOFFS.]
- Back in the car, Sol.
- Oh, Frankie.
My back is already killing me and I haven't felt my driving foot in an hour.
- I don't know if I can do it.
- Oh, bummer.
I was looking forward to causing a big hullabaloo and getting myself arrested.
Want to front-end load some nachos so the blood rushes back to your foot? Mm, nachos.
I'm starting to feel my toes already.
Two, please, at the bar.
And I'm gonna need a children's activity pack.
Hop this way.
It feels like every day I get a call that somebody else died.
Frankie and I even have a phone line designated for that.
I don't know why we're leaving.
We'll probably all be back here tomorrow.
I heard the other day that Reggie Dunlop died.
What are you talking about? I'm still here.
Don't rush me.
Sorry, Reggie.
But I did hear that Hank Gondorff left us last night.
Hank was sick for such a long time.
Even the strong and the healthy are leaving us.
I heard that Phil Milstein died recently.
- What? - You remember that guy, our contractor.
And he was in such great shape.
That's horrible.
Phil did our master bedroom.
Oh, he did all our bathrooms.
I kept breaking things so he would come back.
Everything all right? Grace? Uh [STAMMERS.]
I forgot to say something to Sonny.
Hey, how'd it go? I'm still in shock.
It went amazingly well.
They flipped for it.
- They did? - Yeah.
They're firing up the extruder as we speak.
- Really? - No, not really.
They blew me off just like you told them to do.
They told you I told them to blow you off? They didn't have to.
I'm a mom with four kids who lie to me all the time.
This is shitty, even for you.
Mal, I wasn't trying to blow you off.
We're just not doing any new stuff.
- Why? - Just leave it at that - and it's time to say bye-bye.
- What? No.
No, no, no, no.
What's happening? Nobody My kids taught me that, too.
Not leaving until you tell me what's going on.
You cannot keep a secret to save your life.
I didn't tell anyone about your prostitute! Hi, Danny.
Have a good day, Danny.
Danny doesn't count.
Danny overheard.
You don't get to decide if Danny counts.
- [SIGHS.]
You're annoying.
- Mmm.
So last year we spent a lot of money on a wrinkle reducer that I thought was a game changer.
It was a sure thing.
But Somehow my nemesis found out about it and stole it.
And you couldn't let Lauren beat you to market, so you rushed out something inferior.
Maybe I did that.
I took a hit.
A big hit.
How bad? An I-haven't-told-Barry-yet bad.
Well, Barry works for the competitor Mom-can-never-know bad.
- That is bad.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, look, maybe I can help you.
Okay? The more time I'm here, the less time I have to be telling your secret to Mom.
You can be an intern.
It's an unpaid position.
I'm worth every penny.
Oh, hey.
Are you okay? No.
- It's not what you're thinking.
- Hmm? I never did what you did.
But it's as close as I ever got.
While we were married? Yes, but I didn't.
I wanted to but I didn't.
We found each other years later and After the divorce and Then you did.
It got complicated.
I'm sorry it didn't work out for you.
I missed my chance.
Oh, come on, Grace.
There'll be other chances.
Oh, really? When? Look where we are.
This is what we're doing these days.
Hey, it's not what I'm doing, it's not what you're doing.
It's not what you're doing because you're really living.
You took your chance.
You found happiness.
Rough patch at the moment.
Sensitive subject.
- Well, you'll figure it out.
- You will, too.
Oh, yeah? How? By taking every chance that comes your way.
Like the one standing over there.
I don't even know what that is.
So find out.
Mmm! Wow.
These El Jimador Frescas are cold and strong.
Brain freeze! Press your tongue against the roof of your mouth.
Now say, "Free the Bunnies.
" Free the bunnies.
You know, we may not have saved a single rabbit and you may still be dead, but I've had more fun with you today than I've had with Robert in months.
Most people do.
I'm serious.
What's going on with you two? I don't know, but I'm worried.
There are times when I feel stuff not good stuff that I never felt with you.
Well, we have our thing, Sol.
Our thing.
Our soul-mate thing.
Of course.
What if we only get one? We may be soul mates, but we weren't meant to be together.
You and Robert were meant to be together.
But I miss having a soul mate.
I'm not gonna marry you again, Sol.
Janet, are you flirting with Nick? Well maybe.
I don't blame you.
Even with a cane, he makes me feel young.
- Let's get out of here.
- All right.
I thought you were gonna go home with Robert.
Well, if you don't mind, I'd like you to take me home.
I'll get the car.
Well, I'll have my driver get the car.
- You all set? - Robert, thank you for the for the lift.
- How was your day? Oh I'm still dead.
Well, you're in good company.
Your turn.
Oh, God.
Hello? Uh.
It's for you.
Is it Chili's? Did they find my rabbit ears? Hello? Oh! The baby's coming! The baby's coming! The baby's coming! The baby's coming! The baby's coming! The baby's coming! Baby's coming! The baby's coming! The baby's coming! [CHUCKLING.]
Oh, God.
Wait for me, Frankie! Helping the kids out of their coats But wait, the babies haven't been born Oh, oh, oh Unpacking the bags and setting up And planting lilacs and buttercups Oh, oh, oh - Old dirt road - Mushaboom, mushaboom - Knee deep snow - Mushaboom, mushaboom - Watching the fire as we grow - Mushaboom, mushaboom Old [WOMAN.]
Okay, good night.

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