Grace and Frankie (2015) s04e13 Episode Script

The Home

1 Grace & Frankie 4x13 "The Home" Jan 19, 2018 [GRACE POTTER'S "STUCK IN THE MIDDLE" PLAYING.]
Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right Here I am Stuck in the middle with you Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you Ooh, ooh I know you do that.
- No, you don't.
How'd you sleep? Not well.
Your vegan-leather couch is covered in fondue cheese and the irony is just too loud.
- Stop doing that! I have to do something to get my mind off last night.
You heard from the kids? Not a peep.
You think we got away with it? Oh, yeah.
They totally bought your nonsense about recapturing the rats that you trained as therapy dogs.
Well, they were on the fence, but I think once they see their little orange vests, we've got 'em.
Well, just in case, I'm gonna fix this damn house before they decide they need to fix it for us.
- We're gonna make this right, Frankie.
- Or our insurance can.
- Right.
I know I should know this, but do we have insurance? [SIGHS.]
We have a lot of insurance.
So don't worry, your ceramic cat-camel is covered.
Good, 'cause I broke it.
There's nothing to be scared of.
I'm right here with you.
- I'm not scared, I - Shh! Shh! I'm talking to the rats.
- Oh.
Now I'm scared.
Oh, shit.
We need to talk.
I thought we agreed that I was gonna say, "We need to talk.
" Okay, wheels are off.
I'm out.
Don't move.
Just stay there.
I know what's going on here.
Grace, you're in a safe space, and we love you, but your drinking has affected me in the following ways - This isn't about my drinking.
- So let's get you a drink.
I've got it.
Well, if it's not her drinking, I can't imagine what it could be about.
Remember, this is a safe space.
Jesus, fuck! Uh, not the physical space, but the emotional space.
Safe emotional space.
Jesus, fuck.
We did a little research last night.
And we found this checklist online.
What is the chase and how do I cut to it? It's just a bunch of things to look out for as your parents get older.
Give me that stupid thing.
"Scars Your Parrots May Be Deadly for Asserted Leaving!" "Signs Your Parents May Be Ready for Assisted Living!" Oh, God, that's even worse! We are not going to assisted living! Are you insane? Just listen for a second.
"Are there signs of neglect around the house?" [LAUGHS.]
I don't see any.
- Tub comes to mind.
"Has your parent suffered a recent physical setback?" This isn't a cane, it's a weapon.
"Have you noticed changes in your parent's coordination? Have there been unexplained bruises?" I can explain all my bruises.
Tae Bo.
Fight with a hammock.
Slept on an Oreo.
I don't need to sit here and take this.
Seems like you do.
"Does your loved one have trouble getting up from a seated position?" Does your loved one have trouble getting her middle finger up? Nope, works just fine.
And as I leave you, I am flipping you off with my mind.
- Let's go.
- I mean, we tried to do it and - now whatever happens to them is - [MALLORY.]
Come on! How could you even think of putting us in a home? It's a retirement community.
Like the place Arlene lives.
Like exactly the place Arlene lives.
It's independent living with a lot of help.
We decided to use the word "support.
" It's independent support with a lot of help.
Do you really not see yourselves in some of the things on this list? No.
And a different checklist would say I'm doing just fine.
Growing as an artist: check.
Finding new things to fondue: check.
Improvising a kick-ass checklist: check-plus.
Founded two successful businesses: check.
Didn't run one of them into the ground: check.
Don't live in a shoe: check.
We're concerned about you living out here alone.
Oh, don't be.
We have each other.
Yeah, that really helped when the two of you couldn't get up off the floor for an entire day.
See, I knew you were gonna hang on to that.
Look, we didn't need a Panic Alert then, and we don't need to move now.
How you can even suggest we leave our home Have you looked at it lately? Oh, God damn it! Are you forgetting what this house means to us? This is where we put our lives back together after your dumb gay dads ruined it all.
Look, look, look, maybe we didn't introduce this idea in the right way.
You sure as hell didn't.
And the only place I want to be is away from you.
Not you though.
I'll go.
Really? Fuck no! God damn it, I don't know what's wrong with you! [FRANKIE.]
A certain someone I know has a big smile on his face.
A certain someone I know put it there.
I guess we should let Roy rub our ears more often.
I guess we should.
Maybe our therapist was onto something when she told us to try new things.
I'll confess I never thought I'd get such a thrill watching someone else flirt with you.
I know! I think I finally understand Eyes Wide Shut.
But how did the mask get on their bed? I don't know.
I didn't figure everything out.
But I think maybe we figured something out.
About us.
Sounds like something we should talk more about Mm-hmm.
while you finish making my breakfast.
What? One good roll in the hay and someone's a sass machine.
I do manufacture sass.
Carry on.
No, just one bite.
No, no! No, no! No, just one bite! We know you're upset, but we did not mean to make you clean.
Well, you did.
Happy now? - We're sorry we ambushed you.
- But we're worried about Mom.
Don't try to butter me up.
Look, Grace, we both know that you can take care of yourself.
I mean, we were there when that biker parked in your spot.
But we're worried about our mom.
She would never ask for help or admit that she needs any, but she does.
I know when we hear stories like "Frankie got lost in Mexico," it sounds all cute and funny.
I know when you hear Mom hit a cop car with a scooter, it sounds absolutely hilarious.
But it's not cute or funny.
It's scary.
And Barry assures me it absolutely was hilarious, but it's also bad.
And now, with her other knee, she's running out of knees.
What happens if she falls down the stairs? What if she has another stroke? She will shatter into a million pieces.
Will you be able to scrape her up off the floor? Will you be able to get help all the way out here in time? If you lived at Walden Villas, help would be right there.
- Whenever she needed it.
- Day or night.
Just a button away.
Maybe you don't need to be there, but she does.
And we can't imagine her going anywhere without you.
We know that this is a lot to ask.
She came back from Santa Fe for you.
But she would never go anywhere without you again.
Come on, girls.
We're going to be late for lunch.
- I'll grab our table.
- Okay.
How the hell did we get here? I think it all started with the tub.
Well, thank God for that tub.
Right? It gave us the nudge we needed.
Now we have a tub we can walk into.
Well, it's really a shower, but you're using it as a tub, so Oh, that man is waving.
Oh, no, he's choking.
Oh, no, he's waving.
Well, we better get to lunch before Howard touches all the food.
You go on without me.
Again? But you've only been to the dining hall once.
Everyone's been asking me if you died.
Well, it's such a long walk.
Besides I have a ton of emails I have to deal with, including a couple from Nick that I've been avoiding.
You know, you can't just move here and not tell him.
He's been in Japan for two months.
Maybe he moved there and didn't tell me.
Has he pitched my idea for Japants? No, and he needs you to stop sending him drawings.
In fact, that's what most of his emails are about.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, God, what? What? Are you okay? I'm just looking for my blowtorch.
With your eyes shut? I'm trying to visualize where I put it.
I bet Robert borrowed it when he and Sol came to visit.
He kept asking about it.
He kept asking you to not use it near his hair.
Like his hair doesn't need it.
I'll text him.
Oh, shit, where's my phone? Where's my phone? Okay.
My husband cut himself and now he's bleeding all over the dining room table.
Anyway, what were we just talking about? I don't remember, actually.
And I'm kind of worried about Jeff now.
Oh, therapy.
I'm so glad you guys are processing or whatever.
Oh, it's been really helpful.
Our therapist finally has us self-actualizing as a gay couple.
Yeah, I noticed the Pilobolus poster in your bathroom.
And she helped us unpack why our friend, Roy, was such a turning point for us.
We needed to be reminded of all the things we love about each other, and Roy did that.
He injected something into us that was magical.
I'll bet he did.
No, no, no.
An open relationship is not for us.
But a relationship with windows where we can bask in the heat of the day together when there's something hot nearby, that we can handle.
You guys have really rooted out - the most un-fun corners of being gay.
Frankie just texted me the following: "You up?" Question mark.
"Blowtorch?" Question mark.
And then a little picture of a black woman praying.
I don't know, man.
Everything okay with them? They have some stuff going on.
They actually moved into a retirement community.
Sometimes I forget how much older you guys are than I am.
- You laugh, young man, but someday, you will look in the mirror and all you will see are the years lost, the dreams deferred and - [PHONE BEEPS.]
Oh! - Roy texted.
- Oh! What did he say? He's coming back to town and would like to drop by.
Oh, my God.
Shut up.
- How did he say it? - He was casual.
Then I think we should be casual back, but funny.
But not too funny.
- You do it.
- No, you do it.
I'm uncomfortable.
Okay, I'll do it.
What should I say? [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- Knock, knock.
- Come in.
Hi! It's Katie! Hi, Katie.
What's going on here, honey? I don't know, Raha.
What do you see? I saw you weren't at lunch.
We've been missing you in the dining hall.
Well, you don't know this about me, but I don't eat.
Oh, we have liquid meals available if that's more comfortable for your body.
I have plenty of liquid meals here, thank you.
And, um I'm sort of busy.
Yeah, that's why I'm here.
Residents aren't allowed to operate businesses out of their apartments.
It's a zoning thing.
But, unfortunately, there's no painting allowed outside the art room.
Art rooms are for dilettantes.
I am a locally-famous artist who's been written up in a series of well-respected prison newsletters.
We have a newsletter here, too, but we can't spotlight residents who don't follow the rules.
I'm not like the other residents.
I'm just here because of my friend.
That's the thing, I don't need to follow the rules.
I'm just here for my friend, looking after her.
And the only reason I can stand being here is because I'm running my business.
You know, kind of that thing in between a resident and someone who works here.
A visitor? More of a long-term visitor who eats for two.
Basically, an employee.
But running a business is sort of antithetical to the whole idea of "retirement" community.
Yeah, I'm not a fan of "retirement" or "community.
" Well, I'm not a fan of working here, but Invisaligns don't pay for themselves and my girlfriend says I need them.
So if there are keys that you have that I should have Ah, hey, hey.
Raha, are you getting my keys? [ARLENE.]
I'm so glad you two decided to join me for this.
And what is this class exactly? And what the hell happened to me? Well, it's called "Look Great, Feel Good.
" Currently, I'm neither.
I mean, I'm fine with the "Look Great.
" I haven't felt good since 1992, but, you know, who cares? I look great.
Well, you have to admit, these clothes are comfortable.
Grace, how do your knees feel in those shoes? Oh, my knees are fine.
My feet feel profound shame.
If you really wanted a new outfit, I would've taken you shopping.
Hiya, Kooky.
Thanks for telling me about this, by the way.
I'm sorry, but everything just happened so fast and you were away.
And the upstairs tub fell into the kitchen and everything just got worse from there.
- It was the water damage, right? - Yeah.
I'll call my guy.
It's a little late for that.
The kids put the house on the market.
What? You love that place.
I I can't think about it.
- I can have it fixed.
It's not just about fixing a house.
Frankie couldn't live there anymore.
And I couldn't leave her.
So get a cute craftsman with a little basement for her to haunt.
You know something? The truth is, the house was getting too much for me, too.
I hired a contractor and he ripped me off.
- Oh, so what? They all do.
- No, this is different.
He scammed me.
I never would have fallen for that crap before.
So we'll call a lawyer.
If that doesn't work, I'll call a hit man.
I never said that.
I did say that.
You're not understanding, Nick.
It's not understandable! I come back to town and you are in a home! This is a retirement community! What difference does it make? You don't belong here.
Look, I may be here a little early, but I'm gonna end up here anyway.
I have explained this trajectory to you before.
Repeatedly! And has it given me pause even for one second? Well, it seems like it is now.
No, no, don't put this on me.
I don't care where you live.
We can still do all the same things we talked about.
Chartering a boat, sailing to Peru.
And then what, climbing Machu Picchu? I can't even climb Mount St.
The Stairs.
So we'll do Istanbul and jet-ski on the Bosphorus.
Now this is where you say, "Istanbul, yes, jet-skiing, no.
" And then I say, "Fine, I didn't want to leave the Four Seasons anyway.
" I'm sorry, Nick.
I can't play this game anymore.
Is this another test? Because you know me, Grace.
I'll buy the whole damn place and move in right next to you! This place isn't for you, Nick.
Well, my college roommate was an art major, and he said they needed a model for his drawing class.
What he neglected to tell me Was that you'd be nude.
I think it was a ploy to get in my pants.
You and I had very different college experiences.
How often did you eat soup in a blazer? I modeled nude for Frankie once.
I caught pneumonia and almost died.
Sad, Sol.
Still have the drawing Frankie did of you? Painting.
And somewhere, yes.
I'd like to see it sometime.
Well Back in the day, I was first runner-up in a James Dean look-alike contest.
Actually, the winner was disqualified when it was revealed he and Dean were distant cousins.
So, I won.
You know, I can just picture you with your floppy hair.
- Boy, it's late.
- It's not even five.
But you said you had that thing you had to get to.
Oh, I lied to sound fancy.
Well, it was nice seeing you either way.
Are you guys trying to get rid of me? No, no, this was so much fun.
- Is this because I touched your hair? - No.
We liked that.
We? Not we, he liked it.
I liked watching it.
You like watching? No! Yes.
Well, no.
It's okay.
I think I get it.
I mean, I've never been used quite like this before, but, um that is what's happening here, right? God, Roy, we didn't mean to use you.
I know.
Boo-hoo for the guy with five percent body fat.
Is it that low? Oh I think I should go.
No, Roy, wait.
This isn't us.
We feel terrible.
It's just that we've been in therapy, see, and - And it's been a disaster.
- Yes.
And our therapist is clinically insane.
We've been really unhappy with her.
- She doesn't take our insurance.
- Parking's a nightmare.
- So whatever's happening here - It's her fault.
So please stay for dinner and let us prove that we're normal.
If you leave, she wins.
All right.
All right.
Look, I'm not gonna lie.
I saw the pork chops in your fridge, and I want 'em bad.
- Oh.
I'm so sorry, honey.
You want me to go beat him up for you? I've been taking chair-karate.
If you can get him seated, I can take him.
No, thank you.
You know what this situation needs? - Don't say fondue.
- Fondue.
- You know what's good in fondue? - Nothing.
Where's my fondue pot? Isn't it where you left it? Stuck to the counter? - No! - Oh, it was probably confiscated.
- What? - Because of the open flame.
It's a whole liability thing.
But cold fondue is just Velveeta.
It's in your contract.
The employees reserve the right to remove any item deemed too dangerous for the residents.
But they can't just steal our stuff.
Oh, they don't steal it, they put it into a storage closet for safekeeping.
And when you die, your family gets it back.
Where is this closet? Take away a man's bong, you take away his dignity.
Waffle irons are dangerous? They certainly can be.
Have I ever told you the true story of how my yurt exploded? No, you always get so frustrated by your own interruptions, you give up.
It was President's Day, and the humidity was That's my fondue pot! Hey, is this your blowtorch? Portia.
Oh, my God.
Those fascists kidnapped her.
I know.
This is bullshit.
Let's get out of here.
Oh, we could use a new toaster.
No, no, we can't.
It's against the rules.
Well, of course it is.
There's a rule for everything in this damn place.
I know.
I can't birth my art where it demands to be born.
Do you know they will not let us run Vybrant in our apartment? Are we still doing that? [SCOFFS.]
Yes! All these dumb rules.
You know where they don't have dumb rules? Our house.
Well, yeah, but you can't go there.
What do you mean, I can't go there? Well, because You know why.
Oh, right.
I'm sorry.
Because of you.
Because of me?! No, it's because of you.
No, I came here for you.
Because you're a porcelain figurine.
I came here for you, because you're Mrs.
But I've always been Mrs.
Yeah, and I haven't shattered yet.
I mean, if a part falls off, just glue it back on.
Oh, my God.
We have been Parent Trapped.
It made so much sense when the kids laid it out.
- Boy, I'd like to lay them out.
- I'd like to see you do it, too.
Did you really come here for me? Of course.
I knew you'd do the same for me.
And you did.
Well, since we came here for each other, can we leave for each other? Done.
- What are you doing? - This.
What is taking so long? If it were really an emergency, I'd be way dead.
Oh, shh.
Here he comes.
Oh, good.
It's the dumb, handsy one.
Just arriving at the No-No Room.
Stand by.
I'm driving.
You've got a history with carts.
Yeah, you're famously such a good driver.
Well, thank you.
- Do you know how to use this? - Yes.
Sort of.
Yeah, I do.
Oh, this is great! - [GRACE.]
Oh! Okay, here we go.
Whoo-hoo! Ma'ams, you need to sign those out! We don't have to do a freaking thing! - Go that way.
- I will after I go this way.
Hey, this thing has a great turning radius.
I'm calling Consumer Reports.
Oh, God, not now.
You know what's hard to say when you're drunk? Arnold Palmer.
Arnol Plammer.
You're right.
It's just tea and lemonade.
Big whoop.
Speaking of more wine, where is Roy with the scotch? Posthaste with the Roy, scotch! [BOTH LAUGH.]
You take that neat or on the rocks? Hmm Hmm Go that way.
- No, I was wrong, go that way.
Oh, God.
No, that was too far, you gotta go back a little that way.
- And then to the left.
- Okay, are you messing with us? Duh.
But you do have to go to the right.
That Where the hell did you guys park? Because like nine people yelled at me.
- Where's the letter from the court? - It's in the cake.
There's a series of clues - Oh, fuck this family! - Kidding! I'm kidding! Where the hell are they? Come on.
Floor it, Frankie! I've been flooring it the whole while.
This is as fast as it goes.
Look, we're almost there! Whoo-hoo! [GRACE.]
Ocean, here I come! Oh, God.
- So close.
I guess we're walking.
Come on.
What are we gonna do about the cart? What cart? I don't see a cart.
Come on.
Am I wrong to never want to talk to our kids again? [GRACE.]
We're gonna punish 'em for this.
Yeah, how? [GRACE.]
You can go back into business with Brianna.
That would punish her.
And you can de-alphabetize Bud's cookbook collection.
- That would punish him.
- What do we do with the other two? [FRANKIE.]
She's got a million kids and he lives in a shoe.
They're punishing themselves.
It's not a race.
That's loser talk.
What were we thinking? Turn it back around.
And after all's been said and done Who said it best? Were you the one? Let's just forget Leave it behind And carry on If you should find The time to speak Then speak to me I'd never keep You from your final destiny So carry on Into the quiet, I am bound What you have lost I've never found I lost my nerve Yet peace surrounds So carry on Let's just forget Leave it behind And carry on [WOMAN.]
Okay, good night.

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