Grace and Frankie (2015) s05e01 Episode Script

The House

Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right Here I am Stuck in the middle with you Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you Ooh Uh.
- Where do you think you're going? - We can't go back.
We had a long run.
And I've seen my death, it's me walking peacefully into the ocean.
- You wanna come? - Well, I've seen your death, too, and my hands are way more on your throat.
Then we'll be beach people now.
We'll fondue everything, and what we don't fondue, we'll toast.
How could the kids not have told us the house sold? Unless Oh, God.
Unless they did tell us and we forgot.
Frankie did you forget? What happened to "us" forgetting? I thought we forgot as a team now.
You're right.
And this is exactly what they'd want us doing.
Doubting ourselves.
- Frankie, I will never doubt you.
- Thank you.
You really think it's a good idea to light a joint with a blowtorch? That lasted a good second.
Uh, can you get it, please? [FRANKIE EXHALES.]
Oh, it's the kids.
It's the fourth time they've called.
- Oh, to hell with them.
- Totally.
Uh Frankie, it's a little thing, but would you not put my phone in your boobs anymore? How the hell did that get there? Can you check your bra for mine? Wait a minute.
Never mind.
Mine's in here, too.
Whose is this? [ROBERT.]
Robert? - [WHISPERS.]
Robert? - [WHISPERS.]
Didn't know what else to do! Everything okay? Fine! He fainted! He just needs air! [ROBERT.]
You should faint, too.
It works.
How do you think I got through my first marriage? - [SOL.]
He's coming.
- Oh, shit.
Let's get him to the couch.
Aren't you even a little cold? Oh no.
Looks like they fixed the house.
Nobody inside.
It's totally empty.
Or it's not and this is an ambush.
I've seen this Gerard Butler movie too many times.
It's a beach house in La Jolla, Frankie, not an embassy in Baghdad.
You obviously have never seen Fallen Shores.
Nor have you.
That was an idea you scribbled on an Entenmann's box.
Hey, since they haven't moved in yet, maybe there's a chance we can get our house back.
- Exactly.
Like Gerard Butler did in Fallen Shores.
- It's locked.
- No worries.
I have a hidden key.
It's hidden from your memory, isn't it? So it's working on a certain level.
Aha! Oh, damn it.
Oh, of course.
Of course.
I know you're in there.
Come on.
Aha! [SIGHS.]
Someone's inside! Oh, she's coming toward us.
Oh, my God, Grace, she looks exactly like you! Only the years have ravaged her.
The side door was open.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, God.
- Talk about a gender reveal party.
I would like to turn away.
My body is not moving.
Is he okay? Daddy, are you okay? [COYOTE.]
Are you okay? - Hello.
- What the hell is happening in here? It's a Freudian nightmare with a very special guest star.
Please put this on.
- Bud, no.
- Thanks.
I'll just Ah.
Roy, would you mind putting on your actual clothes? [CHUCKLES.]
Hi, I'm Roy.
- Hi, Roy.
- Hi, Roy.
Did you know he's a graduate of Stanford? Smart smart penis Man! Man with a - What's everyone doing here? - [ROBERT.]
This better be serious.
It's Mom and Grace.
They Well, they stole a golf cart.
I said serious, not the plot to Caddyshack.
They haven't been seen in hours.
They don't even have their purses.
We're worried.
I can't find my pants.
Don't be sorry.
Are there others? [GRUNTS.]
Oh, this is horrible.
I feel like I'm trespassing in my own house.
Oh, if only you could feel that way when I'm in my bathtub.
Ah, we were in the middle of a conversation! Well, I thought the conversation ended when I said, "I'm gonna go take a bath now.
Someone's coming! Get down.
Oh, shit, fondue pot! Fondue pot! [GROANS.]
I neither hide nor seek nor peek nor boo, because those are child's games and I hate children because they're awful.
Now, make yourself be known and don't be a child.
Hey, girl! Who the fuck are you? Who the fuck are you? No, I "who-the-fuck-are-you"-ed first.
Seems we're at an impasse.
It seems you're breaking and entering.
No, we just wanted to see the house again.
We used to live here.
Not to bore you with a bunch of legalese, but double stampsies, no erasies, we want our house back.
No takesies-backsies.
I see you went to law school.
See, we didn't intend to sell.
It was a mistake.
We weren't thinking right.
So now you've sobered up, you're breaking into people's homes.
Well, our kids sold it right from under us after we asked them to.
I can see why, it's a terrible house.
- Pardon? - What? If you think it's terrible, why did you buy it? Oh, I didn't.
"Who did", you ask? My extremely wealthy employer who demands anonymity.
Who is it you said demands anonymity? I don't know why I am not hearing the scurrying of orthopedic shoes to Applebee's.
- God, who - Ow Grace, I got this.
You know, I knew the second we met we were gonna be amigos huevos.
Egg friends? Egg-xactly.
And over eggs we're gonna dish about my gay ex and my black son.
How much in common do we have? I don't know, do you hate you? [GASPS.]
Take it, Grace.
We are both formidable people who detest children.
So I don't wanna waste your time.
But I need to talk to your boss for maybe five minutes.
Not even five seconds, egg friend.
No tea, no shade, but why you gaggin', bitch? - What? - What? Okay.
- Out to the curb, - Whoo! like two antique floor lamps that no one knows what to do with once Gene Kelly's widow dies.
Gene Kelly died? You know, there's a thing called a phone.
Yeah, we tried calling you, but you didn't answer, then we were worried about you, too.
But we're here now and can see that everything is cool.
This may feel like an awkward moment - Yeah.
- Which it is.
But it is also a teachable one.
Although, it is not quite what it looks like, it is a little bit what it looks like, except we didn't Stop teaching please.
So you wanna say something? No.
- What an asshole that guy was.
- He's a complete monster.
Why do I want his approval so badly? I don't know - But I want it, too.
- Right? Ah! This sucks coconuts.
I'm gonna do something constructive.
Are you gonna stop with the sign or torch the whole house? - I might as well.
The rich jerk who bought the place doesn't care, hiring that tall drink of fabulous water, who I will be friends with, to do all the work.
- Oh, my God.
- What? I know who bought the house.
- Who? - Who do we know who's extremely wealthy, who wouldn't want us to know who they were, and who threatens to buy everything? Oh, my God, Leslie Uggams! [CHUCKLES.]
No, it's Nick! Who's Nick Uggams? - No - Oh, I know Nick Uggams.
I'm talking about my Nick, my former Nick.
He bought the house.
It must've been him.
Today, he threatened to buy all of Walden Villas if I didn't leave.
This is incredible! It's amazing! This is a disaster.
It's terrible.
I feel as though we are totally in sync on this.
Yet another person who treats us like we're enfeebled and incompetent and need to be saved.
But in this case, he's super-saving us.
- We got to get out of here.
- And go where? - To Nick's house.
- Gotcha.
Not this one! Oh.
I knew that.
What's the word? Okay.
Arlene said they were both upset.
Grace just broke up with Nick and Mom was incensed that they confiscated her fondue pot.
Well, to be fair, she has weaponized it in the past.
And she might again.
Security footage shows them leaving with the fondue pot - and a toaster and a blowtorch.
- What?! This makes no sense.
Or does it make perfect sense? Grace was upset because of the break-up, Mom wanted to cheer her up with a fondue party, which isn't allowed, so they broke out to melt some cheese.
Or that isn't what happened and they're missing - and we need to split up and find them.
- I think that's a good idea.
We need to check the all-night cheese barn.
We should check the all-night booze barn.
I think you're all overreacting.
You can't go crazy every time an old person doesn't answer their phone.
Either we don't want to or we don't know how.
Well, sometimes we do get stuck in dumbwaiters like Mr.
Purcelli last month.
You know, if my mom went missing, I'd be worried sick.
- So - Roy.
Of course.
Um How is it exactly that you know our fathers? - We should go look for your mothers.
- We met on this cruise - [SOL.]
- Oh, I'll come help.
No! No He means, you stay here in case they call or show up.
- Done.
- Good.
Then let's all go! Come on.
Let's go.
Okay, and I'll just stay back here and chat with Roy.
- I'll tell you the rest of the story.
- Yeah! - So, we - Get in the goddamn car.
Thank you, Roy.
Okay, this is crazy gorgeous.
Sir, would you mind hitting Penthouse? Thank you.
He's got the entire top floor.
Great, so he doesn't need to crash at his new beach house.
Ooh, wait, wait, wait! Roy seems nice.
Still not talking about it.
Roy was more of a late-in-life exploration than an act.
I'd rather not know what that means.
Well, Bud, what it means is that Nothing? You can't tell us anything? I can tell you I never should've defrosted that pork chop.
I never heard that lingo before.
So, who gave who the "go ahead"? - You know about the "go ahead"? - I live in the world, Dad.
And I wanna live in any other world than the one in this car.
Can I just ask you one question? Are you spending my inheritance on a prostitute? Roy is a folk-loving friend who turned out to be a sensualist.
Can we please stop talking about this and focus on Mom? - Yes of course.
- Truth be told, your mother was also a sensualist.
How can you be pissed at the kids and not at Nick? Because this is nothing like the kids! They railroaded us.
Nick was the one and only person who said you shouldn't be in that place.
And he knows how much you loved that house.
And if you ask me, buying it for you was pretty dang romantic.
Yeah, actually, it's the most romantic thing anybody ever did for me.
Oh, God, I must look like hell.
How's my hair? Um, ideally, you would've one of those cute cloches - like the flappers wore.
Would you hold that for a second? Here.
Excuse me? She needs it more than you do.
I love that shade.
- No, thank you.
Sorry, did you ladies forget to press your floor? We're going to the penthouse.
You know, friends in high places.
Oh, so I guess this isn't a date.
With Nick? Yeah.
I didn't realize he called me to come to a party.
Aren't you coming? No.
going down.
I don't see them here either.
I hope they're okay.
I know, we should get a drink.
I'm on it.
Martinis? Please.
I have needed one since we saw all of Roy.
My 75-year-old dad is in a thruple with a porn handyman and I'm in a relationship with a cardigan that does math.
- Okay, first, Barry's adorable.
- It doesn't feel good.
In certain cardigans.
Second, at least you and Dad are getting some.
I'm the only one with no sex life in this family.
Please stop complaining about this and do something.
Like what? Like update your status already.
It's time to change it to "single.
" But then everyone would know that I failed at my marriage.
Well, everyone whose status is "single" has failed.
Dad, I found Mom.
To Mom.
To Mom.
Look, we've got the Macho Combo Burrito for you, a jacked-up Value-Beans-Rice-and-Cheese Burrito for me, Queso Loaded Nachos for the table.
How could I be so stupid? How could I possibly think a man I broke up with is gonna buy me a house? Well, it's not so much stupid as it is vain.
You're right.
I'm thinking he's thinking of me, when all he's thinking about is moving on.
Well, he sure didn't waste any time, did he? We only broke up today.
Well, you did kind of break up with him, like, 14 times.
And you did move without telling him.
But let's not draw on facts.
They're so over.
What about the fact that we don't have any place to go? There's always Walden Villas, I guess.
Oh, be honest.
Can you ever see us being happy there? I know.
It felt so great, didn't it, when we broke out of that place? What a mess.
That, it is.
My, oh my! Good, right? [CHOKING UP.]
I've never felt this way before.
Welcome to Del Taco.
We've searched every cheese shop that's open.
Is this our life now? The roles are reversed, we're constantly worried about them? You're being a little dramatic.
- Maybe they're having a great time.
I mean, people rarely steal a golf cart if they're in peril.
- I'm Bud.
- Robert's right.
I'm sure they're fine and you'll hear from them very soon.
- You're right, Sol.
We should go home.
- Hmm.
I'm sure you have a lot to do at home.
- I'm talking about the naked man.
I'm not! [SIGHS.]
Now what do we do? We could keep drinking and talk about your new relationship status.
- You didn't.
- Uh, duh.
Of course I did.
How did you know my password? It's always the name of your last kid.
How did you know the name of my last kid? I mean, I had a couple failed attempts.
You're single.
That was the security guard from Walden Villas.
They found the golf cart abandoned at La Jolla Shores.
- Why would it be at La Jolla Shores? - Because it's down the beach Oh, my God, they went to the house.
Can I get this to go? I think I finally understand emotional eating.
- The Del is here for you, my friend.
I'll be back in a jiff with two cinnamon churros and four caramel cheesecake bites.
What do you want? I wanna go home.
I know, me too.
We'll figure out a way.
Well, another new face.
- Welcome.
I'm Frankie.
- I'm Bob.
You go away a couple of months and it all changes.
You feel me, Bob? Uh Okay, two cinnamon churros and four caramel cheesecake bites.
Two cinnamon churros and four caramel cheesecake bites to go.
No, not to go.
We have no place to go.
Uh, but the dining room is closed.
No, the dining room closes at 10:00.
It's only 9:52.
- Right, but since there's no one here - We're here.
Do you not see us, Bob? Are we not here? No, of course, ma'am, but it's almost 10:00, so So, you're just gonna throw us out on the street, kick us to the curb? Have Terry from the kitchen physically remove us? - Uh I don't - Is Craig here? Is Jacinda here? Could you get one of them on the phone for me, please? Craig is taking his SATs tomorrow.
Frankie, we don't need any dessert.
You're wearing enough food as it is.
This is not just about dessert, Grace! This is about something much bigger than dessert! But it's also about dessert! Why are you getting so upset? They're trying to throw us out of here and we are not ready to leave.
So, we are not leaving until we decide that it's time for us to go! Yes, ma'am.
And you stay as long as you like.
Your Del Taco family's here for you.
Sometimes you just have to say "fuck it" and refuse to leave.
Frankie, you're a genius.
I've been waiting for you to realize that.
Why am I a genius? I think the problem is Roy doesn't get what we're trying to do as gay men.
The other problem is we don't really get what we're trying to do.
I just want to know, when we invite people over for dinner, their clothes are staying on.
Well, we can't keep going around and around with Roy.
It's not fair to him and it's not us.
I guess we're just boring, traditional guys.
But I kind of like that about us.
I love that about us! Some people need to get their excitement from a three-way and other people get it from a new Audible book.
And we know who we are.
So we have to tell Roy we just can't see him anymore.
- You should do it.
- It's better if you do Rock-paper-scissors? [CAR DOOR CLICKS.]
Well, it looks like they were here.
Excuse me, sir? Who's this for? - "Ray Donovan and Eleanor Roosevelt".
- They're here.
You don't have to worry about this.
It's fine.
All right, let's go.
What a shame to wake him.
Maybe we should wait until morning? I don't even want to think about what we might see in the morning.
Come on, let's do it together.
Uh Roy? [SOL.]
Roy? Oh! You're not Roy.
- I was for, like, a week in college.
- Where is he? He said, "Sorry for the misunderstanding," and left when I got here.
So what are you doing here? I Uh I'll tell you in the morning.
Uh, Mom? Oh, Jesus.
Kids, what a pleasant surprise.
Don't just stand there.
Bud, pay the man.
Um What are you guys doing? We're having a nice, quiet evening at home.
This is not your home anymore.
Yeah, and thanks for telling us that, BTW.
- BTY? - No, you had it.
Don't doubt yourself.
- The house just sold.
- Just! - We were going to tell you.
- Soon.
We thought this is what you wanted.
And you didn't want to deal with it.
Isn't it why you gave us power of attorney? We have seller's remorse.
I know that because you sold it and now we're remorseful.
Look, Mom, we talked to Arlene.
We know that you're upset about Nick Uh-uh.
No, I'm upset because you all manipulated us.
Yeah, why don't you take us into separate rooms and have your way with us And that didn't come out right.
I know that, but you get the point! We didn't manipulate you! We convinced you.
And does it matter? Sometimes you got to do what you got to do.
Especially when you're worried about your mom who happens to be sitting inside on outside chairs in a house that she doesn't even own with a toaster but no electricity! We have a blowtorch.
Oh, you've got a blowtorch.
Okay, then all seems well here.
We should go, guys.
We really should.
We're breaking the law just by being in here.
Come on.
Now! - Mom - No! We're not going anywhere.
- What do you mean? - We're not leaving here again.
But you have to! Ask Bob at Del Taco what we have to do.
We're having ourselves a nice, old-fashioned squat.
We are taking our house back.
- No, that is ridiculous.
- Are you insane, Mom? [MALLORY.]
Seriously, what are you doing? No, this is so ridiculous.
Now that we have your attention.
- Out! - [GRACE.]
Go on.
What? Mom? - That's hurtful.
- She spanked me.
I bruise easily.
You know, Mom, we went to Walden Villas today to throw a surprise party for you.
And, for what it's worth, you're officially alive.
You bet your ass I am.
Glad you're getting off on this, but it won't change a thing.
- Even if you could get this place back - And you can't you'd still have the same problems you had before.
It's only getting worse from here.
You know that.
You could make a good case that it's already worse.
What are you going to do if you fall? Or if one of you has a stroke? What's the plan? Yeah, I got to say it doesn't make a lot of sense.
Fuck it.
Excuse me? - Hey - [COYOTE.]
We're just leaving them here? - [BREE.]
I guess so.
I mean, they don't have toothpaste or toothbrushes, but okay.
Fuck it.
How much is enough? And who makes that call? How much is enough? And who makes that call? Fuck yeah! - My public word - Fuck yeah - My private word - Fuck yeah - My public call - Fuck yeah - My private call - Fuck yeah, fuck yeah, fuck yeah Fuck yeah A wall is a wall A wall is just a wall A wall is a wall And nothing more at all [WOMAN.]
Okay, good night.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode