Grace and Frankie (2015) s05e02 Episode Script

The Squat

Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right Here I am Stuck in the middle with you Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you Ooh [GROANS.]
Oh, my God.
Do it again, Elvis.
What? Frankie, wake up! [GRACE GROANS.]
- I was dreaming.
- I heard.
- How's Elvis? [GROANS.]
Chatty, down-to-earth as in life.
Still no juice? No.
Your numerous calls to the power company pretending to be a past winner of the Mrs.
Power Company Pageant seem to have failed.
I have another idea.
Yeah, I'm right there with you, sister.
We got to get our stuff from Walden Villas.
I need my pills.
I need my toothbrush.
I need my pills and your toothbrush, too.
- But we can't leave.
- Why not? We're squatting.
That means we have to stay put and squat.
Well, I'll go, and you can squat your brains out.
Oh, no way, lady.
Bad things happen when we split up.
That's how this whole mess started.
Also how the grill ended up at the bottom of the pool last year.
Oh, I thought it "jumped" because "it looked depressed.
" Man, I say some crazy stuff.
My eyes are up here.
I'm trying to find somebody to call to bring us our stuff and my battery's down to three percent, so whoever it is, they better come through.
Then let's call Elizabeth Warren.
She's the only person not letting me down these days.
No, we've had fights before, but never like this.
He hit me.
In my elbow.
I'm not sure what he was aiming for, my stomach? I never thought of Jeff as someone who got that mad.
Oh, he is.
He put his fist through a window on a gingerbread house for a party we're catering.
No, wait.
We made that for ourselves.
But I thought you and Jeff had an open relationship, with the "go-aheading" and all those rules.
We do, but [EXHALES.]
I may have broken a few rules.
- A few? - Okay, fine, all of them.
I slept with Stevie Mazza in our bed more than once.
Who is Stevie Mazza? He who shall not be played with.
Oh a temptress.
I also watched the new season of American Horror Story without Jeff.
That's not so bad.
With Stevie Mazza in our bed more than once.
Perhaps it's time to say goodbye to Stevie Mazza.
When we say goodbye is usually when we "say hello" again.
- Oh, my God.
- Come on.
You and Jeff have been together 15 years.
You can't just throw that away.
He threw me out! So climb back in.
Our condo is on the 14th floor.
The stairs to forgiveness are built with honesty and penitence.
Those nuns really did a number on you.
It's Grace.
- Boop.
Straight to voicemail.
- I can't.
Well, if it isn't El Chapo! [CHUCKLES.]
You know, because you escaped.
I don't know why I said that either.
Let's just forget it.
- Well, what do you need exactly? - Oh.
Ready? Ready.
- Ah.
And then there was light.
- Oh, God.
And when is there "couch"? Squatting is not meant to be comfortable, hence the name.
We just need the bare essentials.
Knock, knock.
Where are our bare essentials? Katie at Walden Villas would not release any of your property to us without a handwritten note.
She also gave us this invoice for the golf cart you wrecked.
What part of "sneak in and bring us our stuff" did you not understand? They have guards there.
Sol got spooked by the geese.
They really come at you.
Oh, Jesus Christ, Sol.
You and geese.
Give me that! I can see that you're squatting, and although I admire your commitment It's illegal and dangerous.
Those are my two wheelhouses, buddy.
We defended you to the kids, but now you're just confirming their worst fears.
You "defended us," how grand of you! Where were you when they locked us into that prison? Walden Villas has a 24-hour frozen yogurt bar.
Without a toppings trolley, it is a prison, Robert.
Yeah, and we could've used some backup before we lost this place.
You agreed to move! Because the kids ran their little scheme on us.
Yeah, yeah.
Watch out, Robert, they're coming for you next.
I mean, your heart is basically a cheeseburger.
- I don't think that's very - And your whole thing is off! I told you not to answer the phone.
I heard that! What did he say? - [ROBERT.]
We should go.
- No! What if it were you and your house? Would you wanna leave just because you had a few minor setbacks? But our house is more manageable.
It's only one floor.
That's one of the reasons we decided to move there.
But that's it right there.
You decided to move.
You weren't railroaded into it.
What if the roles were reversed? We'd be there for you.
Be here for us.
Write Katie a note.
We'll figure out a way around the golf cart.
- Hey, here.
- Thank you.
But please, don't tell the kids.
Oh, don't worry.
We're never talking to those clowns again, huh.
All right, who's going first? Not me, please.
I still kind of have PTSD.
This is how we decided who was gonna tell Mom that Paul Newman died.
She hit you hard.
Not as hard as she's gonna hit the person that tells her she's to return to Walden Villas.
Well, if you're afraid of straws, we could do the thing where whoever just moved back from LA because their relationship failed does it because they have no job.
Or we could do the straw thing.
But if I lose and have to be the bad guy again, Mom might put me back up for adoption.
- Oh, we can do that? - I'm ready.
No, wait.
Okay, now I'm ready.
I will go first.
- [BUD.]
Oh! - You lose.
And now we all know how to play.
So, let's begin.
- And this one is for you, Bud.
And now, I will pick one for Coyote.
No, you won't.
If I'm being honest, Grace, I like it better this way.
I could tell you not to get used to it, but then you'd say, "Too late, Grace.
I've already given you a hobo nickname.
It's Patches.
" - Hey I'm Patches! - [CHUCKLES.]
- Hi.
Why is all your stuff back here? Your dad and the other one went and got it for us.
They're on our side now.
Well, you know who else is on your side? This gal.
That's why I'm here, to give you guys a ride to Mallory's house.
Let's go.
We're not going to Mallory's.
Why would we do that? Uh, for Macklin's birthday party.
Or did you forget your eldest grandchild's birthday? No.
I remember him.
Okay, up and at 'em.
Frankie, there's a bouncy house.
Nice try, blondie.
But everybody knows that Macklin is afraid of bouncy houses and his birthday is August 14, the same as his and my favorite actor, Marcia Gay Harden.
And I don't usually go to those things anyway.
You've grossly overestimated my interest in my grandchildren.
Okay, fine.
And what is the plan here? 'Cause whoever bought this house is gonna have you dragged out of here.
That is what we, as squatters, live for.
And newsflash, I'm un-draggable.
- Just try.
- Oh, Frankie! All right.
- [BREE.]
Oh! - Wait.
I'm not ready! You're supposed to say "one, two, three.
" The cops will say "one, two, three"? That's who the new owner is gonna call: the cops.
Who exactly is this new owner? Why the secrecy and shadow corporations? I honestly don't know who it is.
Well, I figured out what was happening on Westworld.
I can figure out who this new owner is.
And do what? Oh, wouldn't you like to know.
And button your blouse.
This is the style, Mom.
They're all dead.
What? On Westworld.
Oh my God.
You agreeing to help Grace and Frankie was lovely.
- Thank you.
- You telling Katie from Walden Villas that we are gonna pay for the golf cart, not so lovely.
And you really do need to get your geese thing under control.
So I'm the problem, not the man-eating geese? [PETER.]
Just take your arancini balls and get out of here! Three dozen balls are not enough! Why did I make all this other food if they're just gonna eat a big pile of balls? I don't know, I'm not the one who slept with Stevie Mazza! Um Hi, guys.
Nice to see you, Jeff.
What is going on here? [CHUCKLES.]
Well, someone didn't tell me the Dovinskis moved their dinner party to tonight, so Someone told you in a text, which I know you read, because it says "read.
" I asked you to turn that function off! Aha! But why is this happening here? Because Jeff keeps kicking me out of the house.
I think Jeff may fall on the right side of history on this one.
Put that down! None of this is for you! I'm sorry, Robert.
My husband seems to think since he's been acting like a dog, he can talk to other people like they're our Great Dane.
Joan Crawford called, she wants her exit back! Call me "Joan Crawford" one more time It's like I can see the shoulder pads growing while you talk to me.
You are the only one who thinks this is funny! [PETER.]
I don't think this is funny.
I don't think any of this is funny.
I finally understand Grace's theory that all people are terrible.
And you know neither one of them is going to wash a dish.
We need to get our house back.
Maybe we can get them back together.
Yeah, then maybe we can get the two Koreas to patch things up.
Or maybe they'll work it out on their own.
Go to hell! [PETER.]
I'm already there! Or maybe we'll help them work it out on their own.
Yes, hi.
This is Carol Carruthers of Carol Carruthers Realty.
Um I'm trying to get info on the sale of 40224 Seahaven Way.
Hello, I'm the new owner of 40224 Seahaven Way.
Can you remind me what my name is? [SCOFFS.]
What do you mean you haven't heard of me? Have you not seen my bus-bench ads? No, of course I know who I am.
How dare you! Who do you think I am? Say it! There's one downtown.
There's one in La Mesa.
All right, I'm gonna level with you.
My name is Jennifer Nightingale and I am a tax accountant.
Hello? Go for Nightingale.
- Any luck? - Nope.
You? - Fingers crossed.
Maybe I should call my friend, Shirl.
Her brother-in-law used to work - [SNORTING.]
- Wha What is that? [GRACE.]
Oh! What the heck?! - Oh, my God! Dreams do come true! - [GRACE SCREAMS.]
- Oh, my God.
No! No! I did not order any of this.
What the hell is going on? Well, apparently the trail of Werther's Originals I left leading to the ocean did not work.
Well, we're squatting and we brought our own Werther's Originals.
If you think a couple of pigs are gonna scare us off You'd be absolutely right! Get them away from me.
You'd be wrong, bring us more! Why do you have an overnight bag? Are you squatting on our squat? I'm not squatting on your squat cause there's no squat to squat on.
I'm pig-sitting for a rich gluten-free baby who arrives tomorrow.
Well, the pigs are welcome, but their owner is not.
Also, the pigs are not welcome.
Listen to me, you old corn-husk dolls.
I just drove from Los Angeles with two pigs in my car.
I stopped for gas and had to chase one of them around an Arco Mini Mart in front of a middle-aged surfer eating a Slim Jim.
So, unless you wanna get eaten by them two pigs, honey Is that a threat? Because what you might not know is that this ordinary phone contains a camera.
She doesn't know how to use it, but I do.
I made it to the finals of America's Got Talent.
How is this my life? Oh! You're that Benjamin Le Day! Oh, Grace, Grace quick, get us two dozen plates! Dinner plates.
Oh, he's leaving! No, go away! Go away.
Go away.
- We don't need that old mean Benjamin.
- Go away! Do we, Sasha? I'm glad he had an epic meltdown, but sad he didn't do the plate thing.
I hate how much you're loving all this.
I hate how much you're hating it.
Pigs are wonderful.
They're just great.
Oh, my God.
I can't I can't do this! But we're so close! To what? Being impregnated by a pig? Come on, Jazz.
Ow! Come on, over here.
Come on.
Get into your little pen.
Now you can sleep.
Yeah, I can barely sleep even when I have a bed.
Oh, this is totally normal, Grace.
First squat jitters.
The adrenalin of day one has faded, and the fire of day ten has not yet been ignited.
Day ten? [SCOFFS.]
What exactly is all this supposed to accomplish? We're gonna wear them down till they give up.
Have you forgotten how we became best friends? I wore you down.
I didn't leave.
I squatted you, Grace.
Oh, God.
You did.
And this squat is working, too.
Just think of this as a slumber party.
Didn't you just love those when you were a kid? No.
I never had a slumber party.
You mean you never hosted? Because my friend Cathy Gleek always hosted.
No, I mean I never went to one.
How is that possible? I don't know.
My friends and I weren't close like that.
And also my mother thought slumber parties were how communism spread.
- What? - She had a lot of strange ideas.
What was she like? My mother? [INHALES.]
She was Well, she wanted to live a life that was way bigger than her life could allow.
When I was little, she took me to New York to see Oklahoma! and we went backstage.
She knew every one of the chorus girls and the guy that played Dream Curly.
I saw this whole other life flash across her face.
And then she cried all the way home on the train.
You forget how much happened before we even came on the scene.
My mother made me promise to never tell that story, ever.
Well, congratulations.
Sharing secrets is an important part of the successful slumber party.
What else is supposed to happen? I suppose it's too much to hope for "you show me yours, I'll show you mine"? You wanna have sex with me or what? [LAUGHS.]
No, but I love how uncomfortable it makes you.
It doesn't make me uncomfortable.
I've kissed a girl.
You have not.
A lot of things happened before you came on the scene.
Tell me.
Tell me.
Give me some.
Honestly, I was glad you called.
I'm so embarrassed about yesterday.
Don't be silly.
Sol and I were just saying Last night, as we were cleaning the kitchen couples fight.
We actually fought as we were cleaning the kitchen! So, we get it.
And honestly, we just survived a little rough patch of our own, didn't we? But we got through it, with a little help from our therapist.
And our old friend, forgiveness.
It's just [SIGHS.]
- This is a pretty hard thing to forgive.
Maybe you just need to get some help, like we did.
We've talked about it.
I'm up to try.
I'm sure Peter is, too.
He knows he messed up.
And open relationships are tricky.
I can't imagine it's the first time someone's stepped over the line.
We don't have an open relationship.
Not since we got married.
Well Did my ridiculous husband tell you we have an open relationship? Hello? [DOOR OPENS.]
Guess this is on, you guys.
Come on, Norman.
Come on, Sol.
You guys see pigs, too, right? Unfortunately, yes.
What fresh hell! Okay, that's it.
Hey, crazy ladies.
- Wake up.
- You can't be here! Grace? Did you hear something? Yeah.
A broken record.
Mama's home! Who's that? - [PIGS SNORTING.]
- Hello, my pink babies! Benjamin, can you run a bath for me and the pigs? The vet said you can't do that anymore.
- Come on, girls.
Come on.
- Holy crap.
- Is that - Kareena G! Aah! [FRANKIE.]
Grace, this is Kareena G.
This is the gal whose videos I act out for you all the time.
Oh! I really love the one where you try to twerk against our dining room table.
I put my own spin on it.
Hot! Benjamin, tell me who's happening at me right now.
Well, Gregg Allman's grandma and this ad for laundry starch have a bit trouble letting go of their old house.
I can see why.
It's amaze.
But I own it now.
Wh Who are they? Oh, they're the guys putting up the wall.
What wall? The wall to keep all the people and paparazzi out.
And Dana Carvey.
But then how are you gonna enjoy the ocean? Well, it's her house now, so she can enjoy or not enjoy whatever she wants.
Yeah! See? She gets it.
Then why even buy a beach house? Well, it's less of a beach house and more of a place to lay low.
You know? Oh, no.
What did you do now? Oh, we don't need to go into details.
Besides, it's none of your business.
It's okay, it's all over social.
Yeah, I think I saw this.
Yeah, I was visiting an elementary school and I was maybe a little wasted and I posted a video of these third graders screaming "Eat shit, Kristen Bell!" - She's just too perfect.
- I get it.
Anyway, [SIGHS.]
my whole team is upset.
My publicist freaked out and so my manager says I need to hide out here, and my mom thinks is great, because she thinks I need to tone it down in general.
I know that game because we're having trouble with our team, too.
Yeah, they're really riding us.
You two put a saddle on your backs and asked us to ride you.
Can we please not talk about riding our mothers? Yeah, I'm very uncomfortable with that imagery.
Could you call my kids? not right now but maybe later? Totes.
Uh Okay to move that? Um I'm sorry.
I'm unclear if this is garbage or your life.
- You can move it.
- No, nothing's moving! We're not moving.
Our garbage isn't moving.
And I am un-draggable.
- One, two, three.
- Not you! You got this, right? [SIGHS.]
Oh Hey.
You wanna see what happens to Dana Carvey? - Oh, God, my knee! - [FRANKIE.]
Oh, Grace! Are you okay? - [FRANKIE.]
Grace! - [GRACE.]
Oh! - [EXHALES.]
- Really? You couldn't see through that? Miss G? Miss G? Fuck.
Hey! - Hey.
I think you may not understand what this house means to us.
I mean, I had my first slumber party here last night.
Yes, like, the first ever.
But that's the kind of stuff that happens in this house: magical human stuff that Grace is doing for the first time.
So, we can't leave.
Except you are leaving.
I'm sorry.
And look, I get it.
Last week I was asked to leave the runway at LAX and I was, like, "Then where is terminal three?" But that's just it.
You're Kareena G.
You can go wherever you want.
You don't belong in La Jolla.
It certainly wasn't my first choice.
Go do your first choice.
What was your first choice? You know, somewhere chill, where I can, like, do me and party all night but, like, thoughtfully with people who are spiritual, but also rich.
- Real quick, snakes: yea or nay? - They're delicious.
- Okay.
I know where she should go.
Santa Fe.
No! No, no, no, no, no.
She needs to be here, where the ocean is calming and she can finish her album.
Yeah, and she's close to LA so you can keep tabs on her, like a rat in a cage instead of a snake galloping free in Santa Fe.
I mean, literally, down the street, every day, a snake parade.
Which is why she's not going there.
Who says she's not going there? I'm sick of being told what to do.
"Say this.
" "Don't say that.
" "Put that pan down, Kareena G.
It's hot.
" [GRACE.]
You know what we always say every time someone tries to tell us what we shouldn't do? - "Fuck it.
" - "Fuck it.
" - That started yesterday.
- It was the day before yesterday.
Well, now it's our thing.
Get ready to be, like, "What!?" - [FRANKIE GASPS.]
It's Morse code for "fuck it.
" I see that.
Frankie knows Morse code? Is that odder than anything else you know about her? Live the tattoo.
I mean, so you got a bunch of kids to say bad things about someone I think I know, but I'm not sure.
You don't know who Kristen Bell is? Awesome, I'm gonna tell her.
But the point is, did you mess up doing something you wanted to do? Or are you messing up doing something that everyone else is telling you to do? Because that's what we did.
And we don't do that anymore.
I mean, you're young.
You don't wanna waste your time being someplace you don't wanna be.
I love that advice.
You're right.
I don't wanna be here.
I think I wanna try Santa Fe.
Grace, call the balloon.
That's it! This, right here, that's a wrap on Benjamin Le Day.
None of this Kareena G stuff.
I'm done, baby.
I'm not no babysitter.
Who you think you are? I ain't studyin' you.
- [GRACE.]
Yeah! - [FRANKIE.]
I guess our moms are getting their house back.
Now that a celebrity's on board, I'm kinda fine with it.
Well, I am not fine with it.
I don't think it matters.
One, two, three [TOGETHER.]
Eat shit, Kristen Bell! - [WAVES CRASHING.]
I can't believe you guys just squatted here.
We got our house back.
It worked.
- You were right.
Say that again, please.
- Don't press your luck.
Hey, can you do that thing again? What thing? Oh.
- That is amazing.
- Yeah.
Wait till the seagulls start circling.
- I wanna try it! - Okay.
Channel your inner cow.
Now ride that cow to the moon.
I miss the pigs.
I'm back in baby's arms How I miss those loving arms I'm back where I belong Back in baby's arms Don't know why we quarreled We never did before Since we found out how it hurts I bet we never quarrel anymore I'm back in baby's arms How I miss those loving arms [WOMAN.]
Okay, good night.

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