Grace and Frankie (2015) s05e04 Episode Script

The Crosswalk

Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right Here I am Stuck in the middle with you Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you Ooh To reach [CLEARS THROAT.]
To reach Ow.
- Reach - Oof.
Reach Oh, I'm gonna black out again.
The unreachable Star Oh, to hell with it.
No vitamins today, girls.
Cute the way she says "vitt"-amin.
Yeah, except it's "Vick"-o-din and I want it.
- This is not what I meant by help.
- What did you mean? [STAMMERS.]
I think I meant someone who could, like, help.
Where is my phone charger? - Oh, I saw it upstairs.
- Oh, I can get it.
No, that's why I'm here.
I'll be back in two shakes of a lamb's tail.
Is that British for "forever"? Do you see how sharp she is? She knew exactly where that charger was.
- Did she though? - Oh, God.
I cannot be late today.
We're working on a hotel deal that [CLEARS THROAT.]
Why did you rip today out of your planner? Because you ruined it.
She's a little on edge.
She and Brianna have been battling for the mountaintop at work.
I'm not battling.
I'm winning.
And I'm winning lunch.
Today, Joan-Margaret is taking me to Zipper Snappers.
- She's taking you to a strip club? - I wish.
No, it's the hot new buffet in town by the same people who do Eat-n-Burst.
Only Zipper Snappers have all-you-can-eat snow crab legs.
There's a lady at my casino who says it's a sexy senior meat market.
And we should get there fast before all the man-meat spoils.
- Okay, girls.
Enjoy your fun, disgusting day.
Joan-Margaret, we found the charger.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
I'll be down in a minute.
She's everywhere.
- So on top of it.
- We made a deal in good faith.
Joan-Margaret isn't keeping our agreement.
Nerd alert.
Nerd alert.
Job requirement.
Point of order.
Okay, if you're gonna act like a teenager Or maybe I'm acting like a grown woman who is finally living by her own rules.
To reach The unreachable Star Well, it's about time you hit that.
Peter, you let me worry about how perfect my Don Quixote is going to be.
Your focus should be on finding me the perfect Sancho.
Our whole company is comprised of Sanchos.
Then maybe you can concentrate on working things out with Jeff.
Jeff can't play Sancho.
That's what we're talking about here.
Robert, can you [STAMMERS.]
I Yes, Robert.
Can you? I think we all care about you getting back with Jeff, but we also care about finding me a stellar sidekick.
Our best bets are Donald, Reggie, or Enzo, who looks the part but has no talent.
Norman has talent.
Talent to be a lovely house guest.
He's quiet and he brought his own food.
You do realize if I leave, Norman leaves, too.
Like, right now.
Come on, Norman.
Someone's at the door.
- Oliver.
- Hi.
Can I talk to you? Oh, boy.
- What did I do now? - Will there be yelling, Oliver? 'Cause I need to know if there'll be yelling.
No, no.
It's nothing like that, but it is kind of a bombshell.
I'm gay.
I'm sorry, what's the bombshell? Ugh She's here.
Are you sure this isn't too much? She wore red, she sits at my desk, and she showed the entire staff that video of my pad falling out during my jazz-tap recital.
I felt so terrible for you that day.
You're in the video laughing.
- It was funny.
- Okay.
Grace, hi.
Oh, what are we all doing out here? We were waiting for you.
Let's go in.
'Cause I want to talk about that meeting.
Happy birthday! - Fuck my hell! - Happy-happy! You know my birthday is more "ignore-ignore.
" Oh, but this one's pretty spesh.
Thank you all.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm afraid, though, you're all part of a fun Brianna prank.
See, I'm actually 76 today.
It's getting up there, but it's not quite that number.
God, it seems to be everywhere here.
- We thought you were 76, too - I am.
Because last year I was 75 and we didn't have a party, the way I like it, and this is a whole year later.
- It is.
It is.
- Yes! And yesterday, Barry brought me some of your start-up paperwork and I noticed a few discrepancies.
- So, I did a little diggin'.
- Actually, I did.
And I found your actual birth certificate.
Barry, that's your cue.
Hey, not super comfortable with it, but I'm doing it.
See, Grace, there it is.
In glorious buttercream.
Barry, you're an accountant, so if she was born on this date, how old does that make her now? I'm not really good at minus-ing.
Guess what, everybody.
I found another video of Brianna.
Okay, I swear to God, if that's the trampoline video - It is.
- It is.
It is.
Look, this place is just too hot for one lot.
Alright now, plan of attack.
First, we hit the rib station, fill both of our plates with ribs.
- All the ribs.
- But I don't eat ribs.
Neither do I.
They're bait.
Men want ribs.
We're the ladies with the ribs.
Oh! - I'm sorry about this, darling.
- No worries, we'll get there.
- Oh, shit.
Back! Retreat! Retreat! - Wait.
That seemed quick, didn't it? Not for the oldest laser tag player in San Diego.
We'll get this.
Once you finally come out, it's like your whole life just kind of blows up.
We'll try to remember that.
But you're glad you'd someone who cared enough to give you that push.
It was more like a shove, but, yeah.
But you're glad you had that someone.
He's glad.
He's glad.
So, Oliver, how did Jo take the news? Already moved on with a hot friend of ours.
Even though I think he's had a crush on me for years.
- I guess she's got a type.
- Yeah.
She also got most of our friends which is fine.
It's fine because I am saying "hello again" to me.
I've re-discovered my favorite cereal, I'm giving the ninth season of The Office another chance.
- Ow! - Well, that sounds fun, but if you ever want to hang out Yes, now, please.
Yes, I do.
Or, better yet, you like musicals, don't you? - I love musicals.
- Then check out my theater group.
We're having auditions tomorrow.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, I guess it would be better than hanging around my sad, empty house all day.
That's great, isn't it, Sol? Sol? Do you think Norman knows we love him? [UNDER BREATH.]
Oh, dear God.
- Ready.
- Ready.
- Set.
- Go.
- Go.
- Like me, like me.
Like me.
- Fuck.
- Like you, like you! - [WALK SIGNAL.]
- Like you! [GASPS.]
- Wait.
- Uh! - Oh, God.
- Oh, mother of God.
Come on, new plan.
Jump up on me.
You got to jump.
I'm jumping.
Jump higher.
No, try it again.
You know what this is? Exhausting? - Ageism.
This light is too short for anyone over 60.
Sorry folks, we're all out of snow crab.
We're gonna be all out of you, if I ever get over there.
As with the body wash and shampoo, you'll find a fresh, sophisticated blend to match the boutique chic vibe of all your 372 hotels.
Oh, when you meet with Ron, you should hit that hard.
- It's her birthday.
She's 80.
Get out.
You are not.
- That's what I said.
- You look incredible.
You really do.
Well, it's a testament to our products.
Which I'd like to mention are eco-conscious, paraben-free, sulfate-free.
Oh, I'm sorry, would you like the more comfortable chair? No, I'm fine.
Our green products will really resonate with your hotel's target demo.
- Maybe a pillow? I have two.
- I'm fine, Rashid.
Yeah, this old girl is sturdier than any of us.
I called her "this old girl.
" Am I still talking? So, unless you have anything else for us - Aren't we gonna talk about packaging? - We have.
- Would you like to catch her up? - Yes.
So, the hotel wants to manage packaging and they prefer having their names on the products.
Then I think we have to take another look at that.
We're all set.
And plus, it's really about the products, which are eco-conscious They are? Oh, Ron loves eco-conscious.
It's huge with our demo.
Which is why I mentioned it, just a few moments ago in this very uncomfortable chair.
I'm sorry, did you want this chair? - [STAMMERS.]
Or a pillow? - You guys, she said she's fine.
Not to be a bother, but I wouldn't mind a pillow.
Thank you.
Back thing.
I'll handle this bruiser.
Hey, watch out, I'm coming through.
Watch out, hot stuff.
Move it.
Are you Fritz? It's "Fitz.
" Of course it is.
We were told you're the guy who can add some time to a crosswalk light at 2nd and Franklin.
Or is it "Fanklin"? I'm the guy.
- What are either of your names? - We'll get to that.
You think we don't see the clock ticking in our heads every day? We don't need some crosswalk reminding us how little time we have left.
What are you going to do about it? Address it right away.
Any complaint about a crosswalk triggers an automatic audit.
Address it right away, like, what, wrap it in red tape and shove it in a pneumatic tube to hell? Frankie, I can't get audited.
I just took over an underground bingo game.
An audit, in this case, is a pedestrian traffic test to see if the timing of the light is correct.
I can schedule one for tomorrow.
Tomorrow of what year? This year.
Yeah, but what day? Day after today, as in tomorrow November tenth, 10:00 a.
Thank you Fitz.
Wait! Today's the ninth?! What happened just now at that meeting wasn't just humiliating, it was bad for business.
Excuse me for celebrating you.
Oh, is that what you were doing, celebrating? [CHUCKLES.]
How about I throw a big party for your IBS? Okay.
All I was trying to do was to get you to hear me.
Well, now that you've told everybody how old I am, nobody hears me.
Mom, I need to get this company back on track.
- And I'm stopping you? - Yes.
Because you say and do whatever you want around here, which is not what we agreed to.
And I am sorry about today, but the only way that I could stop a steamroller was to ride in on another steamroller.
You know what? You think you know everything? You can handle that meeting tomorrow on your own.
Mom, please.
You don't want my help, you don't get my help.
Happy birthday.
- Happy 76th! - Oh, my God! I forgot, but then I remembered, and how great is it I got this 76ers stuff I bought at that garage sale you yelled at me about going to.
I need vodka now.
I have news.
Eighty?! You're eighty?! Stop saying that number.
You are 23 years older than me? Learn math.
- How have you been lying so long? - People do it all the time.
Only most of them don't have a daughter from hell, so the chickens never come home to roost.
Don't fixate on chickens now.
I'll try.
I just want to say, I do think it bodes well for you getting to a hundred.
A hundred chickens - Frankie.
- Sorry.
When did you start this? Oh, way back, pre-Robert.
But in those days, if you hadn't landed a husband and had kids before 30, people thought you were an old maid.
Or a lesbian.
So I trimmed a few years.
And back then, you could get away with it.
You know, in the glory days before Google and Facebook.
Oh, but Facebook birthdays are the shit.
You know you can send someone fireworks and confetti now? I mean, it's animated, but it's still very powerful.
Please don't do that for me.
I don't want the world to know I'm as old as I am.
Why? Eighty is amazing! If you were a tortoise, you'd still be a teenager.
Yeah, but if you're a person at that number everybody looks at you like you have no future.
Well, they just write you off, or they want you to act your age.
And when you do act your age, they run out of snow crabs.
What? That's why I marched into city hall today with Joan-Margaret.
You can't march into City Hall every time a buffet runs out of food.
We couldn't even get to the buffet.
That's why we're going to get that crosswalk light changed, to give more time to people like me and older folks, like you.
- And you! - That's my point.
We can't be ruled by numbers.
Not the ones people set for us or the ones that we made up for ourselves.
Our job is to say "fuck it" to those numbers and eat cake.
Frankie, you can't have your cake and "fuck it," too.
- Can I "fuck it" and then eat it? - [LAUGHS.]
Withersoever they blow Onward to glory, I go I'm Sancho [PANTING.]
Yes, I'm Sancho I'll follow my master to the end I'll tell all the world proudly I'm his squire, I'm his friend [PIANO STOPS PLAYING.]
I'm Sancho.
Or am I Sancha? I'll walk side-by-side with my bestie to the end.
I'll share myself proudly in a safe space with my friend.
You know, in the light of day, you're a handsome man, Fitz.
If I had known, I might have worn my peasant skirt.
So, the deal is exactly four hours to determine the median average of time it takes people to cross.
I like your style, Fitz.
So now we wait? Now we wait.
What's going on here? What is this, marathon day? No, look over there.
It's one of those godforsaken fitness collectives.
Hold on! Are you timing these beefed-up tube socks? Every pedestrian that crosses this light.
But these aren't pedestrians.
These are a flock of jaguars.
And I should know, I sponsor a snow leopard.
You don't have to be here.
I could mail you the results.
Oh, well, wouldn't you just love that, Fitz? Wouldn't you just love to mail me an envelope of lies? What do we do now? Time to call in reinforcements.
Who? Our people.
We have got Sanchos problemos.
Reggie scared me.
Peg was at least interesting.
- Enzo - Oh, please.
I can't.
I can't.
- And why am I still hearing that song? I'm Sancho Yes, I'm Sancho I'll follow my master to the end I'll tell all the world proudly I'm his squire I'm his friend What? [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
Well, good for her.
- What are you doing here? I'm not here.
I was never here to tell you how upset Brianna is.
Oh, she's upset? Oh, was it hard on her embarrassing me yesterday? Did she get a splinter from driving a wooden stake into my heart? Okay.
I can see you've really cooled off.
That's great.
Look, I'm just here because I think you're right.
I've been telling Brianna we should have our name on the packaging, too.
- But she won't listen to me.
- Of course not, - she won't listen to anybody.
- But I think she'd listen to you if you could find a way to get over yourselves for two seconds.
Am I being a big, very old baby? All I'm saying is, you came back to Say Grace to help Brianna out.
So help her.
She needs you.
Thank you all for coming.
Doesn't it feel good to break out of those Villas on an afternoon? Hey, free buffet on me, once you've crossed.
Oh, Frankie, these are my friends, George and Lulu.
Lulu has a bad hip.
Super slow.
Hi, Lulu.
Hi, George.
I hope you love a good snow crab leg.
Let's move out.
Once more unto the crosswalk, dear friends.
Take it easy.
- Enjoy the trip.
Very easy.
- Wait.
Slow that roll.
Enjoy the morning.
You see that, Fitz? Just normal people trying to get their buffet on without getting side-swiped by a semi.
Hate to tell you, but combined with the CrossFitters, it only brings the average back to the original time.
What if I get a super-slow person? Nope.
No doubling up.
One person, one walk.
But I just used all my best people.
Oh! Oh, it's Sol.
I got your text.
Oh, God, he's doing so good.
Oh God, he's doing it.
He's doing it.
Oh, no.
Oh, no! No! Oh, my God! Agh.
When is this guy gonna stop boning me? [GASPS.]
So, if everything looks in order, Ron, I can broadly highlight the deal points.
Everything okay? If you mean, did I get here in one piece despite my advanced years? All good.
Just here for support.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Okey-dokey.
- [GRACE.]
So, our terms are for a five-year contract, the hotel will manage the packaging, and there'll be no Say Grace branding on the product.
Yes, very good.
Grace, does it sound okay to you? Would you excuse us a moment, Ron? Yes? I see a play here.
You mind if I try something? Yes, fine.
Take your shot.
But we cannot blow this deal.
I saw that your packaging contract is with Becker and Sons.
Yes, we started using them a few years ago.
Very happy with them.
Tommy Becker is the best.
I've known Tommy and worked with him [CLICKS TONGUE.]
- Well, let's just say, going way back.
- Hmm.
And he has given me the same deal since we started out.
Thirty percent lower than his normal fee.
Thirty percent? Yes, and you have a lot of packaging, don't you? Could you get that for us? Well, actually, I called Tommy on the way here.
He'd be happy to honor it.
It's "grandmothered" in.
- That would be wonderful.
- Yeah.
However, for the 30 percent, we're going to need our name on those products.
- Oh, no.
- Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom.
Please, this is about the future of the company.
Without our name, the company has no future.
Ron, does anyone enjoy thinking their hotel made their shampoo? Interesting point.
Grace is right.
We need our name or there's no deal.
Thirty percent off [INHALES.]
It's worth the name.
We have a deal.
You will not regret it.
Thank you.
Oh, sorry, old ears.
Could you say that a little louder? Thank you.
You're welcome.
I hate to make a fast exit, but there's a place I have to be.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
And Oliver can tap dance, too.
Now, most Sanchos don't tap, but the donkey does, so maybe there's something we can work out.
Okay, I'm out of here.
What? You're leaving? So soon? I thought you and Jeff had big problems.
I let Jeff sleep with Stevie Mazza.
We're all good.
Come on, Norman.
I need a moment.
You know, you always have a place here.
And here.
Oh, Jesus.
Robert, I have some big news.
I found the perfect Sancho.
Oh, I know.
I was just telling Sol.
It's you! It's what? Oliver will play Don Quixote and you will be Sancho.
I sure have to go now.
Thanks for everything.
Say goodbye, Norman.
Sweetheart, I am so sorry.
I'm Sancho? You're Sancho.
But you have to believe me when I say we need a dog.
What? Three minutes left, ma'am.
I'm sorry, I'm not gonna be able to extend this light time.
Fitz, please, get your head out of the numbers and see how unfair this Grace! How's it going? Oh.
We need you to cross.
But please, Grace act your age.
It's your thing Do what you want to do - I can't tell you - [MOUTHS.]
Who to sock it to It's your thing Do what you want to do I can't tell you Who to sock it to If you want me to love you Maybe I will - [HONKING.]
- Ha, believe me, woman It ain't no big deal Oh, you need love now - [APPLAUSE.]
- Just as bad as I do - How was that? - Well? You could've gone a lot faster, couldn't you? Maybe.
But I'm an 80-year-old woman and I've earned the right to take my sweet fucking time.
That's my girl.
How'd we do? - I'll add three seconds to the light.
Buffet for everyone! Buffet for everyone! Sorry, folks.
We're all out of snow crab.
What?! No! It's your thing Do what you wanna do I can't tell you Who to sock it to It's your thing Do what you wanna do I can't tell you Who to sock it to If you want me to love you Maybe I will, ha Believe me, woman It ain't no big deal Oh, you need love now Just as bad as I do Make's me no difference now Who you give your thing to - Oh, it's your thing - It's your thing Do what you wanna do I can't tell you Who to sock it to [WOMAN.]
Okay, good night.

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