Grace and Frankie (2015) s05e12 Episode Script

The Wedding

Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right Here I am Stuck in the middle with you Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you Ooh Call me, love I have never been so pampered in my life.
There was that guy who seemed to be in charge only of my toes.
What am I gonna do without a toe butler? Am I supposed to tend to my own toe comfort like some sort of animal? Then it's settled.
We'll drop off an envelope of cash to Bud, skip his wedding, and head back to the Maldives.
I have $70,000 on me.
I'd love to go back [SIGHS.]
but I have to deal with whatever Frankie has done to our company.
Maybe she's realized that being in charge isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Heavy is the head that wears the crown.
Yeah, well even heavier is the head that binges The Crown at full volume while I try to sleep.
Check it again.
- No, I sent that email ten times.
- Three, four, five Man! - [JOAN-MARGARET.]
Oh my bad.
Six, seven.
I sent it to myself ten times.
Stop saying numbers.
- Oh, welcome home! - Hey, Grace.
Who are all these people? Oh, this is Coyote, Frankie's son.
We've met.
Where is his mother? [METAL CLATTERING.]
Ha, well, well, well.
The prodigal daughter returns.
She flew the coop when she couldn't handle the heat.
Well, there's a new sheriff in town.
Yeah, me.
I'm back.
Why are you still making donuts? I'm not.
I'm making a cake-yata.
- A what? - For the wedding! It has the taste of a cake, but the fun of a piñata.
Well, your track record with piñatas is so stellar.
Boy, you hit one beehive Repeatedly! You hit one beehive repeatedly.
Oh, the runaway thinks she can just waltz back in here and start zingin' the living daylights out of me.
I didn't run away.
You drove me away.
And what's with all the Post-its? "Fax the minions.
" What's this supposed to mean? Wouldn't you like to know? Yes, this is me asking to know.
Uh, Joan-Margaret? Do I have time to catch Grace up on all the things she missed when she fucked off to God knows where? You've got 12 minutes at 3:17.
Goddamn it! 3:17.
I'll reserve the meditation room.
- Hello? - [JOAN-MARGARET.]
Yes, hello.
Just calling to confirm your 3:17 with Frankie Bergstein, tentatively in the meditation room.
Here's a pic that Evan sent last week from the yard.
Notice the ab definition.
I think the bigger question here is who is taking all these incredibly professional photographs of Evan in jail? Oh, his good friend, Ramirez keeps a phone in his belly fold.
Mint Juleps, coming in cold.
Thank you.
- [BUD.]
Oh, good.
Thank you.
- Thank you so much.
- [ALL.]
- Salud.
- Oh, this is so good.
I guess I miscounted.
Yes, because six is a notoriously tough number.
So, Robert, Allison tells us that you like to sing and dance.
Oh, he's a theater machine.
Is that what the gold footless shoe is for? That's called a Tappy.
It's an award not unlike the Tony.
I received that for my performance in 1776.
He's actually rehearsing for another one right now.
Yes, well, like all things which once were and will never be again, that life is over now thanks to the man sitting across from you.
- Way to go, Bud.
- [SOL.]
He means me.
- I ended the life.
Tit for tat.
I lost his dog for 20 minutes, so he got me fired from the theater forever.
Which, as you can see, was a mistake, because he deserves a Tappy for this performance: "Best Complaint by a Baby Man.
You guys stop.
You know, Allison is a bit of a performer.
Do you remember when you re-enacted your first seizure for your Girl Scout troop? And then it turned into a real seizure.
- So, I - Hey, everybody, here comes a Goldie story.
- Last person to stay awake wins.
- It's We'll have to play that fun game later.
- Mom, we have to go pick up my dress! - Dear God, the dress.
- I cannot wait for you to see it.
- It's really something to see.
But in a good way, right? - Mm You're going to see it! [SIGHS.]
You're gonna see it.
If she's trying to escape, maybe you should just let her.
No, I'm giving her a good stretch out with this great exercise we found online.
- Any better? - Oh, loads! - [FRANKIE EXHALES.]
The cane is purely decorative at this point.
Well, good to see you girls are piling on the affectations.
This is real.
Bar fight.
I'm kidding.
- Barnes and Noble fight.
I bedazzled her cane.
Oh, we've been getting lots of compliments.
- From pimps? - And whores.
I'll get my whiteboard.
Oh, no.
Please, no more whiteboard.
Just tell me what's going on, would you? I present Operation OPP.
Operation Operation? Operation "Older Person Priority.
" You see, Grace, I remembered why we started this company in the first place.
Well, I never forgot: to help older women.
To put them first, unlike at the pharmacy or the crosswalk.
Those senior volunteers over there are from Walden Villas.
There's nobody over there.
Oh, well, it's almost 3:30, they went to dinner.
But they have been verifying the ages of all the people to whom we owe a free Ménage.
Because Because at Vybrant, older women come first.
So, what does all this mean? Well, the older you are, the faster you get your vibrator.
Those with AARP cards are put in Group A, those with arthritis in Group double A And what's Group X? Oh, a seminal punk band.
No, on your big board.
Oh, those are the younger people we don't have to worry about yet 'cause they'll get their vibrators when they're old enough to need one.
So are you trying to tell me that Operation Operation is actually working? Well, sales are up.
And Fast Company wants to interview me for a big story they're doing.
Some lady had a meltdown and they want me to replace her.
I heard it was not a meltdown.
- I heard she's in an institution now.
But either way, I have things pretty much under control here.
Oh, come on, you're still covered with Post-its.
- Oh, these are all wedding stuff.
- Do you want me to help with it? Do you want to help with it? Well, if you need me to help with it.
Well, if you need me to need you to help Oh, God, just give me the fucking Well, wait, wait, you forgot a bunch of stuff.
All my love I'll give you my devotion All my love These feelings are the motion All my love I'll give you my devotion - Oh, there's the Bar Mitzvah boy.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Congrats, man.
- Oh, thanks, Bar.
How's Allison? How does she look? How's she doing? She looks She didn't have anything on when we saw her.
What? She was nude? [BARRY.]
Um I don't remember.
Brianna, was she nude or Mm Okay, here's the deal Allison's dress is very specific.
Okay, well, I mean it can't be that bad, right? I mean, it's a dress.
Mm It's more like what a dead child was buried in in the 1800s.
My God.
The important thing is not to react.
Or look directly at it.
- You mean like the sun? - Exactly.
I thought Frankie made a cake.
No, she made a cake-yata which is exactly why I got a real cake.
Did you do any of her Post-its? Well, which one should I have done? "Reach up and wave at the lights" or the one with a cat drawing on it? It looks like it's wearing roller blades.
That might mean something.
The best way to help Frankie is ignore what she says she wants and just do what you know she needs.
So when she asked me to buy her a fanboat Oh, you didn't.
Just one quick call.
You guys go.
Go, go, go.
- Yes! - Do not get dirty.
I won't, and I'll keep an eye on them, too.
- You're a saint.
Principal Dan is your date? I don't know, I don't wanna put a label on things because No, I don't care about that.
He's trying to cut my music program.
Okay, your brother is getting married.
Please don't do anything weird.
Yeah, yeah, whatevs.
I need your kids.
Smile like music changed your life or you won't get your twenty bucks.
I love when the groom walks down the aisle with his mom and dad.
They're giving him away, like his birth parents.
You are frightening.
Oh, God.
Did you make that dress? [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
I wish.
You look beautiful.
Welcome to this blessed day.
The day that Bud and Allison join as one.
And we all try not to get sunburned.
- Yes.
Blessed are You, Eternal One our God, Ruler of the Universe, Creator of the fruit of the vine.
- Amen.
- [BOTH.]
Today's fruit of the vine is beet juice because Allison is allergic to both the tannins in wine and grapes in general.
Did you chum the ocean? No.
It was one of your Post-its.
Well, it didn't make sense, so I didn't do it.
If you don't chum the ocean, the sea lions beach themselves and start barking while eating sea detritus.
I knew when I didn't see an empty chum bucket "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine.
" "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine.
" Bud and Allison would now like to share with you their vows.
- Whoa.
Chuppah down! [BUD.]
Man, you guys okay? Are you all right? Are you okay? Uh, you got it? So I guess this means you didn't measure the wind either? Would $70,000 fix things? [GROANS.]
You all right? - [OFFICIANT CHUCKLES.]
It's always a mitzvah when loved ones join us in the chuppah.
Allison, you completely changed my life.
You taught me how to be a better man, you taught me how to be a father.
I'm still working on how to be a cat-lover, - or whatever Gregory is - [CHUCKLES.]
but I couldn't be more excited for you to teach me how to be your husband.
Bud, on our first date, we got into a huge fight about Mark Wahlberg.
You thought he was great in The Fighter.
I thought he was only okay.
But then you explained to me why you thought he was more than okay.
And in those 85 minutes, I fell in love with you.
- When do they step on the thing? - Soon.
I promise.
Yes, but when? I drank too much Red Bull.
Mazel tov! - [ALL.]
Mazel tov.
Mazel tov.
We're married.
- Hey, you.
- We're a family.
Hello, sir or madam, may I offer an hors d'oeuvre? It's me, Peter.
The man you sacked without cause from your backfiring jalopy of a production.
I'm just trying to keep things professional, as I imagine this must be awkward for you.
Oh, please, I'm over it.
- May I? - Mm-hmm.
Ooh, I see you've decided to go with the dog food.
How can I even try - [FRANKIE.]
I see my grandbaby every - We're over here.
Yes! So exciting.
Her name is Faith You put me at the kids' table? It's the best table.
You know that's my nightmare.
It's your family.
You know that's my nightmare.
You know who else is trapped in a nightmare? My friend, Kat, whose wheelchair ramp wasn't put in like I asked you to and on one of my sorely ignored Post-its.
Oh, God, was that the cat on the roller blades? Obviously.
Read a book.
Lay it on me, what's going on with the principal? Oh, God, Brianna, I've told you, we are just friends.
- We had sex on his roof.
- What? No! And on his washer, and on his dryer, and on his NordicTrack.
- How? - Just Mm.
I understand.
Yes! - Wow.
- Mm-hmm.
The dam has broken and the town is flooded! Well done.
And who would've thought Principal Dan is doing what the fuck with my boyfriend right now.
This guy is great! - That's all time, man.
- High five.
- [BARRY.]
Two out of three.
- I guess we have a type.
I really wish I hadn't seen that.
I bet I can jump as high as this table.
Wanna see me try? Not really.
- Madison, what grade are you in? - Ribbit.
Grandma? Can we sleep over? No.
Because it's bad luck to sleep in a house after a wedding.
Why? Because the balloon guy is out there! - [KIDS GASP.]
- Go, go, go! There's no balloon guy.
You got ten minutes before they figure it out.
Well, I can drink a lot in ten minutes.
- Who the hell are you? - I'm friends with Frankie.
Of course you are.
And be what you want to be - My husband - [MAN.]
Oh, right.
Oh, fancy meeting you here.
Oh, well, I said I was coming to the bar and asked if you wanted anything.
Did you dig our little jam sesh? The kids couldn't stop talking about it.
They were lost - until they found music.
Uh, look, you can stop now.
I'm not gonna cut your job.
Oh, thank God.
Can I hug you? Oh, um I'd rather not.
- Okay.
All right.
Hey there, my sweet love It's time to see you again I know you can, buddy.
Do you really need to talk to Evan now? Who else am I supposed to talk to? - Salad.
What are you having? - [ALLISON RETCHES.]
Do you taste raspberries? - I don't taste any - Oh, no.
I do.
Clear! - Ow! - Ay.
I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were allergic.
- I'm not, I just don't like them.
- But thanks for the rush.
Wow, Mom.
Good reflexes.
So, Mr.
Broadway, what's the show this season? Give me the scoop.
- Let's not.
- Man of La Mancha.
- Please don't.
- Except I'm not in it.
Why not? All right, Robert, tell them what I did.
I'm not going into all of that.
He got me fired.
From a part he didn't want to play in the first place.
- That's true.
- You didn't want to play Don Quixote? You always loved singing "The Impossible Dream" in the shower.
That and Chaka Khan.
God, I was really checked out of that marriage.
Apology accepted.
I just wanted to sing that song for a real audience, just once.
That's all I wanted.
They look so happy.
I know.
Hey Allison's grandmother shanghaied your cane.
No, she didn't.
I sold it to her.
I got 50 smackaroos.
- Oh, I can't take that.
- Sure you can.
She only wanted it because you bedazzled it.
I have a million of those canes.
I find them under roller coasters.
Umm Hey, Grace! J.
sold that cane I jazzed up for 50 bucks! Maybe Vybrant could sell them.
We sell vibrators, not the Rip Taylor Home Collection.
I'm gonna get the cake.
Uh Frankie? Frankie, wait! Frankie! What the hell is this? Well, it's an actual cake in case your cake-yata doesn't work.
Why wouldn't my cake-yata work? Oh, right, because I made it.
I just don't want anything to go wrong on Bud's big day.
Of course, and my son's wedding day wouldn't be complete without you dismissing me.
Oh, I don't dismiss you.
You just did right there! And a second ago when I pitched selling my jazzy canes.
Oh, God, you were serious about that? You know, two weeks ago, when you left, I was terrified.
I thought what you thought, that I had screwed everything up.
Well, you did screw everything up! No, I took a chance which is what we're supposed to be doing! Or did you forget about fuck it? Oh, posting that video wasn't saying "fuck it.
" You were saying "fuck you.
" Like you said "fuck you" when you ran away with your boyfriend? [SCOFFS, CHUCKLES.]
The one time I do something for myself? The one time I don't stay here following you around with a dustpan? Am I supposed to not ever have a life because I'm so busy cleaning up after you? Don't you ever get sick of telling yourself that lie? If it was a lie, why did I feel so relieved being away from you for two weeks? You know how I felt when you were gone? Free.
You think you're the "Wind Beneath My Wings"? Well, you are not! I am my own Beaches.
Oh, no.
I am my own Beaches.
- I don't know what that means! - [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
- If we're both our own Beaches - [EXHALES DEEPLY.]
what the hell are we doing living together? Well, I've been asking myself that question, as a matter of fact.
I heard Beaches and thought it was safe to come in.
I'm sorry.
I'm not having a good day.
Yes, you are.
Bud got married.
You're right.
So, it's bad luck to toast with water.
And I want my brother and his beautiful wife - Aw.
- to have all the luck in the world.
So, I'd like to propose a toast.
A literal toast.
Come on, everybody, get a piece of toast.
That's No.
We're leaving.
Oh, come on.
Come on.
Please? [MAN.]
Sir? All right.
Hold your toast up.
To Bud and Allison.
This bread has no seeds, no traces of nuts, just lots of love.
L'chaim! [GRUNTS.]
Cake-yata, coming through! Ooh.
- You did it! What's inside? - Oh, well, only one way to find out.
- Mm-mm.
All right.
- Okay, here we go.
- [SOL.]
That's a big piece.
It's just like my Pinterest! - Do you like it? - I love it.
Thank you so much.
Let's hear it for the most amazing mother in the world, everyone! - [APPLAUSE.]
What a great job! - [WOMAN.]
Frankie! - [BUD.]
Yes! Al, I had an absolute blast off.
- Aw.
- And Bud is so great.
And Sol is great.
- The sea lions are great.
- Christ, Goldie, what'd you do, eat the open bar? Maybe.
Come on.
I'm taking you home.
Vince look at me.
Look at me in the windows to my soul.
Shut the fuck up.
Shut all the way the fuck up until you reach the top of Shut Fuck Mountain, where there are no more fuck-ups to shut.
Here's to me.
When you stood up to Peter for me, were you that good? I might not have taken him all the way up Shut Fuck Mountain, but that was the gist.
I may be a baby man and you may have serious boundary issues, but at least we can hold our liquor.
Ready to go home? We've got one stop first.
You disappeared.
I'd like to.
You had a fight.
It's okay This one didn't feel okay.
It felt like something broke.
Maybe Frankie and I don't make sense anymore, you know? Maybe we were here to get each other through the worst moment of our lives and now it's time to move on.
Ready and willing and able to help with any and all moving on.
Oh, you've helped already.
So much.
So much.
I have half a mind to jet us back to the Maldives right now.
- We never should've left.
- Then let's go back.
Or better yet, let's go anywhere we want.
Any time we want.
Marry me.
What? Are you crazy? So? Marry me anyway.
Where is this coming from? From a simple place.
I love you.
And I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Seriously, Sol, you're starting to scare me.
No need to be scared.
Hey, handsome.
What are you all doing here? We came to see the show.
What show? - [PIANO MUSIC STARTS.]
- Oh, no I think he's playing your song.
Sing out, Louise.
To dream the impossible dream To fight the unbeatable foe To bear with unbearable sorrow To run where the brave dare not go Wow, he's so much better than Oliver.
To love pure and chaste from afar To try when your arms are too weary To reach Brianna, after witnessing this day of beautiful No.
This is my quest To follow that star No matter how hopeless No matter how far To fight for the right Without question or pause To be willing to march into hell For a heavenly cause And I know if I'll only be true To this glorious quest Then my heart Will lie peaceful and calm When I'm laid to my rest And the world will be better for this That one man Scorned and covered with scars Still strove With his last ounce of courage To reach The unreachable star! - [PIANO STOPS.]
- Whoo! - [ROBERT LAUGHS.]
Whoo! [PETER.]
Amazing! [BOTH GRUNT.]
Thank you.
Thank you.
On and on We wait for it We heal our wounds And move forward All we want is love It breathes for us It feeds us even though We don't really know it All we want is love [WOMAN.]
Okay, good night.

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