Grace and Frankie (2015) s05e13 Episode Script

The Alternative

Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right Here I am Stuck in the middle with you Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you Ooh I may not always love you But long as there are stars above you You never need to doubt it I'll make you so sure about it God only knows what I'd be without you [CHICKENS CLUCKING.]
Breakfast! Come and get it! Hot from the oven.
Breakfast for me? Which came first, girls? [EGG SPLATTERS.]
Do I look okay? I haven't seen most of these people in years.
You look like a million bucks.
That's great, because I only paid 42,500 for that face.
Am I having another stroke or did I burn my toast? You actually burned the Vitamix, which how? But, no worries, it's fine.
Frankie, there was a chicken in my sock drawer.
I wondered where Lindsay got to.
I thought we talked about chickens in the house.
Yeah, where did we land on that? We landed on no chickens in the house.
You know, the chickens have been a great comfort for Frankie.
Especially since you won't let me tuck her in anymore.
Stop worrying.
The party's gonna be great.
Which part? Surprising my emotionally volatile daughter, or me being back in a room with a woman who tried to throw a printer at me? That was "Mediation Grace.
" I'm sure she's mellowed since then.
That's easy for you to say, Frankie made you a mediation mix-tape.
I'm already on this, fellas.
I've got a plan to deal with Grace.
What makes you think she'll listen to you? I'm an emotional wizard.
I made Robert my bestie, didn't I? I'm gonna go hide the printer.
- Want some jam? - Okay.
How am I supposed to be around Robert without my hands going for his throat? My ex-wife choked me.
We're fine now.
Why are we celebrating Brianna's 40th? I raised my daughters to get quietly drunk on big birthdays.
- I mean, it's just - Shh! It's me.
I love the thrill of the chaise.
And I'll beat any price anywhere.
And that's a promise from me, Jack Patterson, the Prince of Patios! - For more information - I'm sorry.
You were saying something about salad.
I'm molting.
There's a lint roller downstairs.
Help me find my party cardigan.
- It's in the closet - Oh.
at our new house.
- Robert! - Solbert! I asked you to stop taking things over there until I had a chance to tell Frankie that we're moving out.
And I asked you to tell Frankie we were moving three months ago when we bought our new house.
I'm trying to find the right way to break it to her.
Well, the movers are coming on Tuesday, so if you don't, someone from Fenster Brothers Pack 'N Carry will.
They were very nice on the phone, maybe they can break it to her.
Good God, I think the biggest chicken in this house is you.
Chickens are famously brave! Frankie was only supposed to stay here for a few weeks.
And as much as I enjoy the smell of ethnic food at two in the morning, I am left to wonder why there is no ethnic food to go with it.
I just don't think she can make it here alone.
So whatever happened to asking Bud or Coyote to move in? I don't know.
I feel bad.
They have lives of their own.
And we're supposed to have lives of our own, too.
I know.
You're right.
I'll talk to them today.
Thank you.
And I'm sorry I packed your party cardigan.
It's okay.
It's out of batteries anyway.
You threw it away, didn't you? I did.
- [JACK.]
Why didn't you want this house? - Oh, I did.
The day after Robert came out, I came out here.
But I saw Frankie's car, and I turned around and never looked back.
I drove straight to Palm Desert.
And I'm glad I did, because that's when I met you.
I would have gone with the house.
Oh, it's you.
Grace? Sure, come right in.
Oh, this is my husband, Jack.
Jack, this is Frankie.
I'm sure I've mentioned her briefly in passing.
- Consider me flattered.
- Jack Patterson.
You'll have to do most of the work here, pal.
Big stroke.
You had a stroke? Oh, I've had three.
But don't worry, there won't be a fourth.
I'm on a strict regimen of sound baths, blood-thinning crystals, and Sol's foot rubs.
I'm sure you recognize my husband from his commercials.
Oh, I do! It is an honor to meet you, new Mr.
- So, where is everyone? The party doesn't start for an hour and a half.
Then why did you tell us to be here now? I thought you and I could use this time to have a sharing circle.
A sharing circle? Well, all right, I'll go first.
I don't share.
I also don't share.
You got a TV? Over there, pal.
Today is about Brianna, and everyone is worried there's going to be a whole thing when you see Robert.
Why? I'm fabulous.
Have you looked at me? I'm still trying to find you in there.
I'm happy, Frankie.
And once this has settled, my face will reflect that.
But you ran off and got married too quickly.
You couldn't possibly have processed your anger.
Frankie, I released all my anger the night of the seafood tower.
You got over 20 years of betrayal by pelting Robert with crab legs? Yes.
You should try it sometime.
I don't need to resort to violence.
Living here is proof that I've crossed the valley of pain into the other side of healing.
You still live here? You're kidding me.
It's been three years! A great three years.
Oh, and don't get me started on all the fun this crazy crew has.
Do you really get along with Robert? Oh, now that he's gay, he's awesome.
Well, Jack is [WHISPERS.]
a dream.
We went to Spain last year.
And we had sangria every night along with very satisfying heterosexual intercourse.
Both positions.
You came.
Lovely to see you, too, honey.
- Hello, Jack.
- I'm good.
Is that supposed to be dinner for everyone? These are the centerpieces.
So, you're back in the party-planning game, are you? Yeah, well, with Mitch being away so much How is Mitch? Oh, he's good.
Still married to Mallory.
I got this one, Frankie.
He's good.
He's still married to me.
He's doing Doctors Without Borders for a few months, so that's [CHUCKLES.]
It's good for us.
We're good.
Taking time away from a spouse can be a very healing thing.
How do you know? You're divorced and you're still attached at the hip.
Only for potato-sack races.
Sol! I got a great idea for Field Day! God.
Hello Grace.
Hello Robert.
You're looking well.
Thank you.
Jack! I'm doing well.
And you? Jack! You know what? Let's go to Jack! Jack.
Jack, this is Robert.
Jack Patterson.
It's an honor to meet "The Patio Prince of the Desert!" I was supposed to be Patio King, but Larry Schuman beat me to it.
- Yes, Jack has achieved great success in the cut-throat world of patio furniture.
You think he's ever gonna make it back to what he was? Oh, God, I hope so.
Say, you know I have a golf net out there and a mid-mashie with your name on it.
Well, I'm gonna check that out.
- [SIGHS.]
- Jack is fantastic.
Yes, and romantic.
He puts a sweet note in my car every day.
That sounds lovely.
Oh, it is literally the definition of lovely.
It's literally not the definition of that Robert, don't make this about you.
Let's enjoy our daughter's party.
My intention today - is not to get an apology - Of course not.
Or show you how badly you've misjudged me.
Or make you question your ability to even love at all.
- Grace, I just want - Hush, Robert.
We can't have a scene.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
What for? All the guilt I felt over what I did to you has been lifted.
Seeing you and Jack so happy has literally given me a relief I never thought I'd have.
That's not how you use literally! Hey, boys - how you doing? - [BUD.]
Pretty great, actually.
I just got my 60-day chip.
Congrats, two months sober, that's solid footing.
- And how about you, Rabbi? - Not a rabbi yet.
- I still have one more year - But considering everything, it sounds like you're both doing great, which is good, because I have something to ask you.
- Oh, should we towel off? - [SOL.]
Nope! Nope! Nobody move.
I have some news.
Robert and I have bought a house.
- Congratulations.
- That's great! Nope.
Nope, not where this is going.
You know, back in third grade when everyone had to take turns taking care of the class hamster, because if they didn't, it would have another stroke or fall down the stairs? [CHUCKLES.]
I'm not following.
Squeaks Medicine Woman was famously nimble on the stairs.
It has been three years of your mother living with me and my husband, and we can't do it anymore, not if I wanna stay married.
How does Mom feel about this? She doesn't know.
But once you decide who's moving in with her, we can present the whole package.
We're going to bring her solutions, not problems.
Thanks, boys.
No pressure.
Just try to get me an answer before the end of the party.
Oh, my God Mom's the hamster.
What are you doing? Well, apparently, I've relieved Robert of all his guilt by coming here today, so I'm relieving him of the Baccarat candy dish he loves so much.
See, this is what I'm worried about.
You didn't deal with your anger, now your anger's dealing with you.
Does he love these cheese knives? His cholesterol level is Havarti, so what do you think? Hey, put those back! You wanted me to process? This is me processing.
Perhaps what you are really trying to take is all that you've lost.
Oh, sure.
Where are the starfish napkin rings? More importantly, where are the SpongeBob coasters I bought Robert for Hanukkah? [GASPS.]
My samovar! Oh, that's actually mine.
- It is not.
- Babe left it to me when she died.
- Babe left it to me when she died.
- [SOL.]
Hey, girls.
Sol, where are the starfish napkin rings? Yeah, where are they? Uh I think you put them in your studio the night of our luau.
Huh, I don't remember that.
But I also don't remember the luau, so you could be right.
You need to stop looking for things! Well, excuse me.
Why? Because a lot of things aren't here and Frankie can't find that out right now.
I'm afraid to ask.
We're moving into a new house, but Frankie doesn't know and Robert's been slowly moving things out.
You two are unbelievable.
You are still lying to her! This is the only lie.
Was there a luau? Two lies.
Better leave it off.
I'm Mallory, and you are? I'm Barry.
I'm the accountant.
Hi, Barry the accountant.
Where's everyone else? I invited the whole office and she's gonna be here any minute.
Maybe the e-vite went to their spam folders.
Okay, but you clearly got the e-mail, so - I have very loose spam filters.
- Okay.
Surprise! Are you surprised? Yeah, can I talk to you outside for a second? [CHUCKLES.]
Why are you saying that like you're going to murder me? I thought this was just supposed to be you and me getting high! That was just a trick, idiot! You could have at least told me to wear a bra! Why? Now we're twinsies.
Is there a chance Brianna would wanna take Mom? Yeah, she's in a great mood.
Let's ask her.
It's unfair that Dad asked you, since you're just out of rehab.
And Mom's penchant for reggaeton and late-night nachos aren't exactly conducive to rabbinical study.
So, I guess it's you.
Me relapsing again versus you buying some noise-canceling headphones? Okay, neither one of us is in an ideal place to take care of her.
Me less so than you, but totally agree.
So who's gonna tell Dad? [GROANS QUIETLY.]
- Hi, Mallory! God, you scared me.
Really, that was scary? Because our mother is here wearing Carly Simon's mouth.
It's your 40th birthday.
I couldn't not invite Mom.
But you brought my accountant? What, were my mammographer and the shoe guy at Saks who said I had toaster feet unavailable? Actually, I invited your whole office.
Jesus, Mallory! Who would want any of those duds and sexual lepers at my party? And why aren't those duds and sexual lepers at my party? I'm told it has something to do with spam filters, so Hey, Brianna, quick question.
Happy birthday, by the way.
Um Do you want to live with my mom? - Five, four, three - Yep, totally understand.
- Um - We're not having poultry, are we? - Why, would that be awkward? Just because they're staring at us and we can hear them clucking? No chicken tonight.
As a party planner must, I anticipated the discomfort one might feel from eating something that is also a guest at the party.
Well, your goldfish guests are extra dead.
No! No, I just got these today! They've gone to a better place, not this party.
No worries.
No worries.
I'm just gonna bring out the spectacular thing that I had planned.
I was going to build to it, but let's just skip the foreplay, move right to the orgasm, and send everyone on their way! That's the first thing about this party that reflects who I am.
No sign of the napkin holders, but at least now I remember the luau.
Oh, God.
What in God's name are you drinking? Ah, it's a Brianndy.
It's "Brianna" and "brandy.
Your sister said it was your signature, uh, birthday cocktail, so At this point my signature cocktail should be whatever John Belushi shot up at The Chateau Marmont.
Robert likes corn Hey, sticky mitts, you don't just take someone's corn-cob holders.
A family lives here and we're about to eat corn.
You keep it.
I'll take the samovar.
I'm keeping the samovar, and you can have the damn corn holders.
Sol cuts my corn for me anyway.
Can I ask you something? I need you to be honest.
- Can you do that for me? - Unfortunately.
Why are you the only one here from work? Do they all hate me or something? [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
I wouldn't say "hate".
- Like? - You're putting me in a real spot here.
I am a fun boss.
And I'm always shootin' the shit with the gang.
Maybe the gang didn't come to your party out of respect for your wishes.
You did tell us you didn't want to celebrate your birthday.
Wanna be mad at someone, be mad at me for showing up.
Well, I'm not thrilled with you.
And if I'm such a monster, why are you here? I guess I just always thought you were a funny, smart person who didn't let her guard down very often.
And no one should be alone on their birthday, even monsters.
And teenage boys who aren't weird just because they're fascinated by the Lincoln Assassination because it's fascinating.
You know something? You're actually a pretty good guy.
I'm glad you finally noticed.
- What are you doing? - I'm texting my ex.
Like you said, no one should be alone on their birthday.
You know, Frankie isn't the only one that's having a problem with her hand.
This hand gets so tired lugging around this gigantic engagement ring that Jack gave me.
Yes, I sold everything you gave me on "I-Do-Now-I-Don't-dot-com.
" It's where everyone gets rid of all the jewelry they got during their marriage that now fills them with rage.
You know, you say to me, "Jack, teak is 2002, aluminum is too hot, and wicker is for baskets.
" I just sat down.
And I say to you two words: indoor, outdoor.
Do you think the goldfish talked to Jack and thought, "What's the point?" So, Jack Spain, huh? Tell us about your trip with Grace.
- We didn't go to Spain.
- Well, not yet.
Thanks a lot, Frankie, for spoiling that surprise.
We're not really great traveling companions.
We almost killed each other on the drive here.
But Grace clearly said that you went there.
Well, Jack never remembers anything.
Spain? He doesn't remember Spain? What about that sangria and all that heterosexual Where the hell are the starfish napkin rings? I mean, napkin rings don't just get up and move away without telling you, - do they, Robert? - Grace No, Robert, you don't get to say "Grace" like that anymore, just to shut me up and make your life easier.
How do you feel about making my life easier? Well, how do you feel about being stabbed with a corn holder? I'm sorry, everyone.
Grace has not done the hard work of moving on, so she's still clearly dealing with her rage.
Well, at least I'm dealing with a full deck.
You're delusional, Frankie.
They're doing it to you again.
Don't try to break up our happy family just because you're stuck with some dullard who's never been to Spain.
Well, at least this very dull man, who never leaves his beautifully furnished deck, isn't secretly moving into a new house without me.
What are you talking about? Robert and Sol bought a house.
They're moving in on Tuesday.
Is that true? No.
Wednesday at the earliest.
When were you going to tell me about this? Well, today, actually, because we wanted to surprise you with the good news.
One of the boys is going to move in with you.
- Actually, Dad - Uh Oh, great.
Now you're trying to pass me off on them? I can't believe it! This cannot be happening to me again! Ta-da! It isn't a party until there's a seafood tower! [GRACE GASPS.]
- [BUD.]
How long have you known this time, Sol? When did you start looking for a new house? Um let me think The day you moved in.
I moved in three years ago! [ALL GROANING.]
Ow! Frankie! Ah! Somehow I knew we'd end up here.
Jack, let's go.
Happy Birthday, Brianna.
I'll just leave them a card.
I mean, their new house, they must have a patio.
Jack! - Ah, drop it! - I think I'll go, uh, cool off the car.
I'm just taking what's mine and getting the hell out of here.
That is not yours! Yes, it is.
Babe sent me a letter before she died saying she wanted me to have it.
She sent me a letter saying she wanted me to have it! Bullshit.
Just like your life.
Just like your face! - It hasn't settled yet! - [FRANKIE SIGHS.]
Oh, no.
No, no! You don't get to ruin a party and then walk away with party favors! I didn't ruin anything.
You did this to yourself.
Oh, really? I did this? All your processing.
And you managed to end up right back where you were, but worse.
Oh, and you went from a loveless marriage to, oh, a loveless marriage.
That's showin' 'em.
At least I didn't get stuck in this shit.
How could you have? You ran away.
You think your hand is paralyzed, you should take a look at your life! Oh, take a look at yours, Patio Princess! Every person in that house was dreading your arrival today.
Well, then they won't mind if I leave.
Oh, you can go, but she's staying.
Who's she? Babe.
She's in the samovar.
It's her new house.
You're telling me I'm holding my best friend's ashes? No.
You're holding my best friend's ashes.
Well, why the hell didn't you tell me? When was I supposed to tell you, when you didn't show up for her funeral? Well, I wanted to come.
I knew Robert was was gonna be there and I just I couldn't deal.
Well, you missed a real banger.
The police had to break it up.
I bet.
Why do you think she promised this to both of us? I don't know.
She always said that I should give you a chance.
She told me that, too.
- Well, I guess I should - Yeah, me, too.
- What are you gonna do? - I'm gonna stay here by myself.
Oh, who am I kidding? I'll probably end up in a retirement village.
You keep her.
Are you sure? Well, for now.
I'll come back and get her sometime.
Will you? Frankie! Frankie! Grace! Grace! Ah.
Stay there! I'll come to you! [GRACE.]
Oh, good.
We need to talk.
You first.
No, wait! I'll go first.
I've been doing a lot of thinking and I wasn't even high.
Me, too.
I was a little drunk, but I think better that way.
Oh, Grace, I'm sorry about the things I said.
I said terrible things, too, Frankie.
I'm so much better because of you.
Me, too! And not only because we went through hell together.
No, because because we made it back together.
You're my best friend and my partner, and I I need you.
Oh, I need you, too.
So, let's go home.
There's just one thing.
Um I married Nick last night.
I may not always love you But long as there are stars above you You never need to doubt it I'll make you so sure about it God only knows what I'd be without you If you should ever leave me Though life would still go on Believe me The world could show nothing to me So what good would living do me? God only knows what I'd be without you [WOMAN.]
Okay, good night.

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