Grace and Frankie (2015) s06e01 Episode Script

The Newlyweds

Well, I don't know why I came here tonight Got the feelin' that somethin' ain't right I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs And there's clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right Here I am stuck in the middle with you Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you Ooh, ooh What? When? Why? [CHUCKLES.]
Which question do you want me to answer first? I asked them in alphabetical order for a reason.
We did it last night.
It was a completely spontaneous thing.
We flew to Vegas, we went to an all-night chapel, we were married by a Filipino Elvis impersonator.
Bayani Pang? Yeah! - Oh, Jesus.
It was insane.
It was the kind of thing you'd do, actually.
I was married by a cult leader, like a normal person.
I didn't just fly off in the middle of the night without telling anyone.
Yeah, well, when you say it like that [SIGHS DEEPLY.]
So you're real-deal married to this man? Yeah.
I'm real-deal married to this man.
Well, then congratulations.
Listen, I I know this must be a shock, and I know you must have a lot of feelings to process, so so let's talk.
I'm good.
What? You don't want to talk? Nah.
We got to get you moved into your new home.
And boxes don't pack themselves yet.
Wait, slow down, Frankie, because I-I'm in no hurry to move out.
And because I can't catch up to you! What? I can't hear you.
I'm too far ahead.
I'm in no hurry to move out.
I can fit a lot of curry in my mouth.
You know that.
When I opened my eyes and I saw everyone there, I nearly lost it.
You gave me a gift I don't know how to return.
You'll just have to love me a lot.
That wasn't even a little.
How about I love you a lot on that honeymoon we've never taken? I I don't mean to sound like you, but we just spent a pretty penny on Bud's wedding, so can we afford to? And I don't mean to sound like you, but can we afford not to? We're gonna keep putting it off for one reason or another, and then someday, it's gonna be too late.
- That does sound like me.
- Mm-hmm.
I make a good point.
What the hell? - [CLATTERING CONTINUES.]
Peter, I didn't know you were here already.
I still have a key.
I would love to get that back soon.
Robert, I know I've been a jagged little pill recently.
So, to make up for the way I've treated you, Bud and Allison's bon voyage lunch is on the house.
We already paid.
Well, the thought was there.
You aren't finished setting up, are you? The family's going to be here soon.
I'm trying to tell you something.
Jeff and I had a big talk last night, and he pointed out what an awful friend I've been to you these past months.
So, I thought you should know I'm divorcing Jeff.
What? Oh, no.
- I'm so sorry.
- I know.
This is terrible news.
How is Jeff? People always say that being the one who is left is worse.
But I think it's harder to be me.
We're going on a honeymoon! Jeff and Peter are splitting up.
We're not going anywhere good, though.
I'm sad.
Do you know what a good pick-me-up would be? Work! Throw yourself right in there.
Will work cure the guilt that I'm feeling? Will work calm my psychic pain? It might.
- What am I looking at? - Um, does Nick like grapes? You could take these to him.
And what about expired non-fat yogurt? Frankie, what are you doing? Separating my stuff from yours.
This pile is stuff that you're definitely taking.
This pile is stuff that is yours, but I feel like I'm entitled to it.
And that pile is mine, but it's stuff I don't want anymore, so you can have it.
Frankie, don't you think you're acting a little Grace-ish? You went from shock to acceptance way too quickly.
You didn't even process.
Not processing is my new process.
I'm not buying it.
You know, maybe if you were a WASP like me, but you're not built that way.
Grace, we have too much to do to discuss how I'm built.
Although I have been described in song as a "brick house".
I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but maybe we should go get your talking stick.
You know, give you a chance to share, or express, or whatever you call it.
I don't need to.
Hey, how about we do one of those chocolate parties? And I can bring your two-person conflict resolution sweater.
No, thank you.
I'd rather we just keep getting on with the going.
All right.
I'll let you bathe me.
- Who are they? - Joaquin and Ted.
A little more information, please.
They're chore whores.
Still more information, please.
They're here to help with the packing up.
Don't worry, they're trustworthy.
I found them online.
They've got four whole stars.
Okay, that's it.
We're gonna do a sharing circle.
Shows how much you know.
You can't do a sharing circle with two people.
So I just say whatever's on my mind? My understanding is you you share what you're feeling but may not want to say 'cause you're angry.
Or really angry.
Well, the other day there was a thing I'm kind of hurt about.
What thing? You told me, when you picked up a Tuesday shift, nothing would change.
- And I meant that.
- You went boot shopping with Bob! - I didn't even buy anything! - Okay, guys.
Time's up.
Frankie is there anything that you'd like to say? Yes, yes.
What kind of boots? [GRACE.]
I'll share.
That's right.
Grace Hanson is sharing.
Grace Skolka.
I haven't decided if I'm gonna change my name or not.
- You just got married? - Just.
Congratulations on your nuptials.
Are you going on a honeymoon? - Not the time, Joaquin.
- Are you? Yes.
Bora Bora.
Are you going to that place with the glass bottom bedrooms? You're looking at two stars, Joaquin.
Okay? Two stars.
You're mad at me.
I get it.
- I'm not mad.
- Well, then you're in denial.
No, I am not.
People grow up.
They get married.
It happens every day.
I'm a resilient woman.
I'm gonna have my own life.
I think what you're not saying is you're worried things are gonna change.
But things won't change.
I mean, I may not be here at night or or on weekends.
Or for the next ten days, but other than that, we're in business, Frankie.
Yeah, right.
Now who's in denial? Look, it's not like it's gonna be, "Nick, Nick, Nick", all day every day.
You know, it's gonna be a mix.
Like, "Frankie, Frankie, Nick, Nick".
Or, "Nick, Frankie, Frankie, Nick".
You might want to get your head out of your collar and accept the fact that everything's going to change.
I did buy boots.
- I did.
Sharon is the problem, but who do you talk to in HR about Sharon - when Sharon is our HR person? - [PHONE CHIMES.]
- Sorry.
Sorry, it's Erin.
- Barry.
Not enough you're giving her your seed.
Now she gets your limited attention span? Hey, I know my becoming a dad-slash-not-dad is really weird for you, but Erin and Liz have just been so open and inclusive about the whole process.
I'm not going with you to the doctor's office.
Oh, no, no, no.
We're not going to the doctor's office.
That's how the fancies do it.
No, in vitro is crazy expensive.
Okay, what exactly is the T.
Maxx way of doing it? It's do-it-yourself.
Who's doing what to whose self? And now I'm getting confused.
I'm just masturbating myself into a cup.
- You asked for a sip.
- You knew what this was.
Hey, guys, this is Steph.
She lives in San Diego, and she's here with me.
You're gonna love her.
God, she makes me laugh.
Oh, and don't worry, she totally fits into our group.
We have a group? You think you're in the group? [BARRY.]
Forgive Brianna.
She's just on edge because I'm giving a little semen to an old friend.
That-That didn't solve the awkwardness problem, did it? I'm gonna get you that drink.
Why would you bring a date? This whole bon voyage thing is just to torture immediate family and Barry.
What's the biggie? You brought Principal Dan to the wedding.
Principal Dan and I, who I just call "Dan" by the way, have been dating a while.
So? Dating someone a while doesn't have anything to do with how deeply you feel for them.
So how long have you two been dating? A while! [MALLORY.]
Um We need to talk about that thing I mentioned before.
Of course, what else would you talk about at a lunch? - Plenty of pathways.
- Oh.
So nice meeting you.
You're late.
And where's your tie? I'm not working today, Peter.
- Then why are you here? - She's with me.
After the wedding party last night, I guess romance was in the air.
One thing led to another.
Oh, God.
Double "why are you here?" He said we were just going for lunch.
I'm uncomfortable.
So am I.
All right, I have a three-mimosa buzz, so just hit me.
Okay, um, on the actual day when Erin is ovulating, uh, I do my part - into some kind of bowl.
- Ew.
Then, as as quickly as we can, we take the bowl to Liz in the next room Don't know about that "we" part.
And she uses a turkey baster to suction it out of the bowl, and then, the stuff will be basted into Erin.
Do you remember that three-mimosa buzz? It's gone.
Are you holding any Xanax? - Mom! - Oh, right.
Right, right, right.
Oh, God.
Thank God you're here.
There's my beautiful new bride.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, bride.
Wow, welcome to day two.
Oh, I'm sorry, Nick.
I'm still walking on air, believe me.
I'm so happy I married you, which is why we shouldn't tell anyone.
Because people don't like hearing about happy things at parties? No, I just I don't want everybody all thrilled for us and totally forget about Bud and [GROANS.]
the other one.
- Allison? - Yeah.
So, mum's the word.
But wait But you told Frankie.
- Yeah.
- And? It didn't go well.
Ah, well, that's why you don't want to tell anyone.
It's not about Bob and Allison.
I just got to get Frankie through this.
And if we make a big public announcement, it's only gonna make it worse.
Come here.
There's the happy couple! What's wrong? Just a touch of post-nuptial depression.
It's like postpartum depression, but with no science behind it.
Gwyneth Paltrow warned us this might happen.
It's a real thing.
But is it? Oh, it's real.
I had it for 40 years once.
- [GASPS.]
- But my second marriage cleared it right up.
Coats, please.
Gather up, everybody! Gather up! Raise your glasses, people.
Or raise your joints, cooler people.
It's my great honor to toast the new bride and groom.
My friend Webster defines marriage as a huge mistake.
I thought I was giving the toast.
But he's wrong about that.
- It's fine.
Like he's wrong about so many things.
The shape of the Earth comes to mind.
- But I woke up early to work on it.
You can give yours later.
I missed Mass this morning for the first time in 14 years.
Of course, I'll go to two extra Masses this afternoon to make up for it, - but I prefer the early - Robert! [FRANKIE.]
Regardless of how he felt, these two lovebirds are perfect for each other in every way.
- Had a better opening.
- So join me in hoisting one to the newlyweds Grace and Nick! [BUD.]
What? What is she talking about? [BRIANNA.]
What's going on? Grace and Nick got married last night! Seriously? You're married? Is this just Frankie nonsense? No.
This is Grace nonsense.
Come over here.
Come here.
They flew to Vegas and got married by Elvis.
- Surprise! - Why on Earth would you do that? I said "surprise".
No offense, Mom, but how drunk were you? - None taken.
- Oh, some taken.
It's just unlike you to be so impulsive and [GRACE.]
And what? Marry a great guy who's really nice to my family - for no reason I can discern.
And he has a great head of hair.
And at 80, you really don't want a long engagement.
Or any engagement, apparently.
This-This is wonderful! This is a wonderful surprise.
Isn't that right, Robert? Yes, of course.
Do you think any of this might work for Nick and Wait.
Wait a second.
Does this mean I'm an heiress now? Not if you keep acting like this.
Felicitations, papa.
Thanks a lot, Frankie.
I was trying to go low-key on this.
Why? Everyone would like to hear the story of how Nick whisked you away and made you his wife all of a sudden.
Please, everybody, just forget about us.
Today we're sending off Bud and Allison.
Oh, they're fine.
Yesterday was their day.
This is all about you now.
Just take it on the chin and remember you're richer than everyone here.
But I'm not.
That is a bummer.
I'm really worried about my mom.
I should probably go.
There's obviously some family stuff going down.
God, no.
I'm so grateful that you're here.
I feel really supported, Steph.
We met last night.
And no one calls me Steph! Bud.
Wipe that "poor Frankie" look off your face, or I swear I will hurt you non-violently.
I didn't say anything.
And frankly, I'm concerned not a whit about you.
You know, when you're trying to hide that you're worried, you say things like "not a whit".
I used it a fortnight ago.
Oh, begone! [DOOR OPENS.]
Good luck.
How ya doin', Mom? Oh, boy.
I know you've had it with us worrying about you, but this is different.
And yet, it's sounding exactly the same.
I think what Bud means is that now you're gonna be out there all alone.
It's bound to be a tough transition.
For anyone.
Hey, how about Coyote moves in for a little while? - Excuse me.
I have a life.
- Oh.
I'm sorry, who are you? I don't know.
I left my body an hour ago.
- Ah, thank you.
Congrats on the marriage.
Hope it lasts longer than mine.
Well, I'm sure there's a sad story in there, but would you vodka up this mimosa? And while you're at it, hold the orange juice and the champagne.
And the champagne flute.
Bring me a bottle of vodka.
Well, I'm thrilled for you.
Congratulations! After being married to me, you deserve all the happiness in the world.
Thank you.
And I'm crazy about Nick.
Oh, my God, how mad would you be if I stole him from you? But seriously, I'm thrilled for you.
- Ah.
- Just like you like it.
It's tricky because it has to be wide enough to catch everything.
You have to aim, Barry.
Can't just be a garden hose that no one's holding.
Yeah, but it can't be too wide or too flat on the bottom, or else the turkey baster won't be able to suck it all up.
But What? It's low-fat.
I'll still look good in my bathing suit.
- Excuse me.
- What the? Huh.
Thanks for coming, guys.
That's really good.
We need to talk about your feelings, Frankie.
You can't Charleston Chew them away.
You have a Snickers anywhere? This is a big blow, emotionally.
It's got to be tough on you.
Finding out Ray Donovan was going into its final season, that was tough on me.
I don't believe you.
It was in Entertainment Weekly.
I don't believe you about Grace.
This is like Lucy without Ethel.
The Lone Ranger without Tonto.
Who the hell are any of the people you're talking about? This is a big deal, and you're acting like it's not.
I can live on my own, Sol.
I I know you can live on your own.
But do you really want to? [EXHALES.]
It isn't my choice.
So, yes, I'm terrified.
It's It's not a weakness to admit that.
Not for me.
I'm terrified for Grace.
- Why? - [EXHALES.]
I'm afraid she got married just because we had a terrible fight.
And I know her, Sol.
I know she'll regret it.
And it might be long after she's dead, but she'll regret it.
How do you know? In all the time she's been with Nick, she never said one word about wanting to marry him.
So, yes, I'm terrified that my best friend just made a huge mistake.
Usually, people celebrate a wedding.
Your kids decided to go another way.
Well, I'm sorry, Nick.
Sometimes they can't help being dicks.
It's fine.
The nice one already apologized to me.
And I I don't care how they feel.
All I care about is how you feel.
I don't know.
I feel bad about Frankie.
I mean, maybe we shouldn't have just run off and done it, you know, without telling anyone.
I mean, she's my best friend.
She should have been there.
Steph was a waiter at the wedding last night.
Pigs-in-a-blanket, mini gazpachos, she's dressed like a waiter.
You nailed her credits.
But why would you bring someone here you just met last night? Because she said yes.
Where is she, anyway? She's asking Peter for overtime.
I get it.
It was stupid bringing her here.
I'm just sick of always showing up at these things alone.
Hey, that was me for a year after my divorce.
Actually, that was also me during my marriage.
It just seems like everyone has somebody.
Even Brianna and Grace.
And those two aren't exactly everybody's cup of tea.
Look, I know you want to find someone.
And you will.
But you can't push it.
You're a great guy.
And when you least expect it, you're gonna find someone as great as you.
But it's probably not Steph.
Who looks like she's getting that overtime.
- Here we are.
- Thank you.
I brought this from home.
- It's mine.
You can't leave yet.
I brought show-and-tell.
I told you we should have gone out the window.
As you know, last night, Grace and I got married.
But now my beloved is filled with regret that her loved ones couldn't be there to celebrate with us.
And by "loved ones", I mean Frankie.
- Scorch.
- Deserved.
Luckily, the wedding chapel gift shop sells a video DVD of the wedding for $39.
Oh, Nick, I really don't think anybody wants to see this.
Oh, I do.
So I sing you to sleep After Oh, my God! Is that an Engelbert Humperdinck impersonator? No, it's him.
Our kids met in Space Camp.
And I hope you can hear What the words and the music Have to say It's so hard to explain Everything that I'm feeling Face to face I just seem to go dry Because I love you so much That the sound of your voice can get me high [MUSIC STOPS.]
It's always a special treat when the bride and groom decides to write their own vows.
Oh, seems like we're not gonna get that treat tonight.
Wait, wait, I like that.
I want to do my own vows.
I mean, screw the old ones, right? It's not like they have a great track record.
This guy.
This guy.
This this guy.
- That was beautiful.
I kept telling this guy to take a hike.
I told him all the time to go away.
If it was Thursday, it was Break-Up-With-Nick-Again Day.
- And sometimes Tuesday.
- Oh.
- Every damn day I would come up with a new reason why we couldn't work.
But every time I pushed him away, he came back.
He always came back.
For me.
And you were you were so loving, and and so patient and unflappable, just like your hair.
I think that I never believed that I was really deserving of love.
But you showed me every single day that I am.
I love you.
I love you, Nick.
- [NICK.]
I love you too, Grace.
Oh, my God.
Our special day is over.
Let's get out of here and go cry in the Bahamas.
I've got my talking stick.
I actually thought you married Nick to spite me.
But I guess it was wishful thinking.
It wasn't about me at all.
It's clear you love the guy.
It's also clear that Engelbert's still got it.
I'm happy for you.
Your turn.
Oh, not Uh, hold up.
Not yet.
And it's time for me to be independent.
It'll be the first time in my life I'll be on my own.
Except when I was in solitary.
Now it's your turn.
You were right.
You know, I was in denial.
Things are gonna change.
I don't know how or how much.
- But - Me neither.
So We can still be friends and business partners, right? Oh, forever.
You just can't crawl into my bed every time there's fireworks.
And you won't be able to call me every time you need someone to blow-dry the back of your head.
You know, if you're just gonna take the stick every time you want to talk, maybe we could just have a normal conversation? Yeah.
You're the reason that I can go all-in again with someone.
I didn't mean to do that, but I'm glad I did.
I packed you a bag.
I'm not rushing you.
I just think the only way this is going to work is if we both go all-in on our new lives.
You're right.
As per usual.
Are you gonna be all right? I'm gonna be fine.
I've got Ray Donovan to keep me company.
He can fix anything.
You know, if I could change one thing I would have had you give me away.
If it makes you feel better, I'm giving you away now.
Good night, Frankie.
Good night, Grace.
I woke up to the morning sky first Baby blue, just like we rehearsed When I get up off this ground I shake leaves back down To the brown, brown, brown, brown Till I'm clean Then I walk where I'd be shaded by the trees By a meadow of green For about a mile I'm headed to town, town, town In style With all my favorite colors Yes, sir All my favorite colors Right on My sisters and my brothers See them like no other [WOMAN.]
Okay, good night!
Previous EpisodeNext Episode