Great News (2017) s02e02 Episode Script
Squad feud
1 I hate the face you're making right now.
Why did I tell you about what happened between me and Greg? We didn't even kiss, and we already put it to bed.
TMI.
Tell Mommy Information.
He has a girlfriend, okay? And even if he didn't, we work together.
That's even juicer! It's like the classic "will they, won't they.
" You're like Jim and Pam from Daddy's office.
Don't worry, your sexy secret's safe with me.
Mm, mm, mm.
Oh, you're not fooling me.
I know you always keep a spare.
Hey, Greg! I heard you're on the outs with your family, so it probably means you have to spend every holiday with your in-laws.
I suppose so.
Yeah, so Christmas and Mother's Day and Mother's Christmas.
It's a mid-September holiday I'm working on.
- Okay, come on, Mom.
- Hey, Greg, could your wedding be at Downton Abbey? Can I be the maid of honor and the DJ? How many people have to die before you're king? [UPBEAT NEWS BROADCAST MUSIC.]
At 10:00, you have a "women in business" panel.
At 11:00, you have a call with Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk.
At 11:15, you have a call with Elon Musk to apologize for making him cry in front of Jeff Bezos.
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
- Ms.
St.
Tropez? Katie Wendelson.
You offered me career advice out of pity.
Ah.
It means so much to have a woman like you take me under her wing.
Of course.
Women of my generation didn't have female CEOs to look up to.
Until recently, ambition in women was medically classified as menstrual hysteria, or Linda's Syndrome.
So, Katie, what are your goals? Why tell you when I could show you? - It's a Pinterest for my career.
- [TABLET CHIMES.]
Oh, DepressedWoman39 re-pinned me.
Be more specific.
What do you want, and what's stopping you? Well, I'd like to have more say in the stories that we do.
But Greg always shoots me down because my ideas are "too boring" and "stop pitching me stuff in the men's room.
" - But someday - Not someday.
You need to assert yourself now.
Go for what you want.
Doesn't matter what other people say.
So I just shouldn't take no for an answer.
Like at Chipotle when I make them go buy more barbacoa.
Sure.
You know what might be a productive way to start the meeting? If we all went around and said our favorite things about Katie.
- Greg, you start.
- Mom! No! Mine's her butt and boobs.
Is it okay to say two? Good morning, everyone.
Portia is coming in late, and Chuck Was waiting for you to say his name.
All right, let's begin.
I would like to produce a piece No, I demand to produce a piece about the impending extinction of the South American Legless Spider, and I won't take no for an answer.
No.
Nobody cares about that.
You're doing a profile on Eric Trump's teeth sharpener.
- But - Gene, you're going to Camden to do a piece on that toxic waste dump and how every producer who's done a piece there has webbed feet now.
- Can't get webbed feet twice.
- All right, moving on Moving backwards, what if Gene does both stories, and I do my idea? No! And stop interrupting me.
Are you picking up on this white-hot sexual tension? Between me and you? I don't think so.
Well, all right.
- You wore me down.
- Now, then, Chuck.
I know how you feel about digital content I hate it! What is it? Diana has asked us to produce a series of Snapchat Newsisodes.
- No such thing.
- Chuck, please.
[IMITATING GEORGE W.
H.
BUSH.]
Not gonna do it.
Dana Carvey.
I feel you, Greg.
Nothing worse than somebody saying no to your - No! - Look at these two.
Just like Sam and Diane.
From "Cheers," the classic '80s alcoholism PSA? No, Salmon Diane.
The classic fish recipe.
Just salmon and nacho cheese.
You wouldn't think they would go together, and in many ways, they do not Enough! All Wendelsons get out! So sorry I'm late, I was in the middle of a super important dream.
Portia? What are you doing here? Oh, I'm speaking on this panel.
But it's for female CEOs.
Yeah, that's me.
My line of jade crotch eggs just went public.
It's a practice developed thousands of years ago by ancient Chinese idiots.
Our next question comes from Lisa.
"How do I adapt to the challenges of today's rapidly changing marketplace?" - Well, I always tell people - I'll take this one.
Lisa, just create a video game of yourself that makes a billion dollars.
Portia actually brings up an interesting point.
- Actually? - Today, any woman can be a CEO.
Portia or Kylie Jenner or that turtle who had sex with a shoe She has her own line of aquarium filters.
Frankly, I find it inspiring.
[APPLAUSE.]
Don't clap for me.
I'm not dancing.
[APPLAUSE.]
What the hell were you doing in that meeting? I'm sorry, okay? Diana told me to go for what I want.
You already met Robert Pattinson.
You threw up on him.
I just thought it would be nice if I got to decide what stories I do.
But that isn't your job.
Or are you saying you want my job? No, just that one part.
You can do everything else an executive producer does, which I'm guessing involves a stamp? It involves three stamps, and your little proposal has been denied.
- This says "tubular.
" - Stay in your lane, Wendelson.
You wouldn't last a day as executive producer.
I think you're just scared, 'cause you don't want anyone to find out how easy your job is.
Oh, really? Well, if you think it's so easy, maybe you should executive produce tomorrow's show.
- Fine.
- Fine.
Why are the lights dimming? Sha-la-la-la-la-la Don't be scared You got the mood prepared Go on and kiss the girl Oh, good, you told your mother about us not kissing.
- No, I didn't.
- La-la-la-la, yes she did La-la-la! Attention, everybody! Tomorrow's show will be executive produced by Katie Wendelson.
- Why, you ask? - No, we don't.
To teach someone a valuable lesson.
- [SMACK.]
- Oh, that was Katie.
What's wrong, Portia? Your face looks all ex-wifey.
Everyone's talking about this women-in-business panel I did yesterday Diana publicly insulted me.
Publicly? You're saying people actually attended this panel? I'm getting supportive tweets from non-verifieds.
Normal people aren't supposed to feel sorry for me.
I'm supposed to feel nothing for them.
All right, you have to fight back.
That's what I did with Steve Croft.
He called me an empty suit with B+ hair.
So you know what I did? I started spending all my free time with Mike Wallace, Morley Safer, Andy Rooney, and eventually, all Croft's best friends became Chuck's best friends.
And now they're all dead.
I forget what my point was.
This sounds like a squad feud.
I thought that only happened to pop stars.
No, like most things, they stole it from cool white men.
Huh.
I think I know exactly how to get back at Diana for this.
Thanks, Chuck.
You're 100.
How dare you? Greg, wow, have you been working out? Your shoulders are huge.
That's Katie who will be executive producing today's show.
I will be taking over her duties, such as playing with my hair or interrupting with unhelpful musings about journalistic integrity.
I thought, today, we might do things a little bit differently around here, okay? Instead of me standing up here like a know-it-all, I want to hear from youse guys.
Gene, what do you want to produce? Sounds good, boss.
I'm on it.
Gene, I didn't assign you anything.
Come on.
Come on.
What's your dream story? Wow.
Okay.
I've always wanted to do an exposé about how there's actually a woman in the Mr.
Met costume.
I mean, look at the alluring way in which it moves.
Wow, I thought that was gonna be better.
I have an idea for a story.
"Katie: did she bite off more than she can chew?" That's not bad.
Mom, what are you doing? Just setting the mood for you and Greg.
Now, where do you want me to shuck these oysters? Cut it out! There is no me and Greg.
- Greg and I are fighting.
- Oh, I know.
It's exactly the way things started between your father and me.
Wait, I thought that happened on Coney Island at that freak show featuring the buttless woman.
Oh, that's just the story we tell.
Why? The real story about how we fell in love goes like this.
One day, I was a secretary at your father's firm, and I talked him into letting me defend a client who got a jaywalking ticket.
And you proved you could do it? No, he got sent to supermax prison, but you should've seen how mad your father was.
Oh! The sexual tension! It was slap, slap, kiss, kiss, Katie's born, never touch me again.
Well, that's not what's happening with me and Greg.
Greg is a jerk, and I want to prove that I can do his job.
Plus, Diana told me to assert myself, and I don't want to let her down.
Got it, but here's the thing.
I'm booking a cruise for next July, and I need to know if you and Greg want to share an interior or an ocean view stateroom Gerald, what time is my call with the shareholders? Gerald? [INDISTINCT CHATTER AND GIGGLING.]
What the hell is this? You and I are in a squad feud.
You came at me in public, so I stole your backup dancer.
Gerald is my chief of staff, and he's never danced a day in his life.
But I want to, Diana.
I want to dance and sing and live and love and create.
You don't understand.
Last night, Portia took me to a party in the Statue of Liberty's anus.
I canoodled with Zendaya.
- Oh, no, that was Zayn.
- Oh.
I don't have time for this.
You four, come with me.
I'm giving you a show on MMN, it's called "Hot Chat," - I just announced it.
- [PHONE CHIMES.]
Oh, it's already number one in its time slot.
Portia never gave us a show.
What's a time slot? [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hey, we need new footage of that tornado in Oklahoma.
I just played it with the sound up.
The storm chasers say some pretty messed up stuff about Jewish people.
Greg said you'd deal with it? - Okay, let's see - Hey, Katie.
My AVID's acting weird again.
Can you call the IT guy? Okay.
Legal says we can't use the Mets logo for the Mr.
Met piece.
Should we use this one that I drew? Hey! You traced that from my drawing! Katie, he shouldn't get credit for that! - Oh, well, this sucks.
- What now? I saw everyone coming in here, so I figured you were gonna surprise me for my birthday.
You know, turning 60 is kind of a big deal.
I didn't know that he was 60.
I definitely didn't trace anything off of his thing.
[OVERLAPPING ARGUING.]
I know what you're doing! You are sabotaging me.
You filled my office with complaining dementoids.
I didn't do anything.
Dealing with them is part of the job that you signed up for and are quite predictably failing at.
But hey, you got to play boss lady dress-up for an hour, didn't you? That's fun! Hey, Greg, you know what else is part of the job I signed up for? Assigning people stories they don't want to do.
Easy, Katharine.
We're just having a spot of workplace fun.
No, no, I think I'm gonna assign you a piece, but what should that be? STDs in nursing homes.
You monster.
I want to know everything, Greg.
Who's got 'em? Who they got 'em from? How they got 'em.
Who's got 'em? Okay.
So we're playing dirty now, are we? All right.
- [DIALING PHONE.]
- [REPEATS DIALING SEQUENCE.]
Why are you calling my mom? Carol, it's me.
Despite what I yelled at you earlier, I'm in for the cruise.
Yeah, I hope Katie can make it too.
Have you considered bothering her about it more? You son of a bitch.
And here's my breakfast order for all 28 days at sea: eggs, pancakes, bagels, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Could you pick that up? [SIGHS.]
Hello, this is Gerald, not Diana answering her own phone.
What? "Shots fired! Portia Scott-Griffith declares squad feud with MMN boardroom bitch.
" [DRAMATIC ROCK MUSIC.]
Now, now You know you better wash dish, bish I've had enough of your ish, bish I'm a famous and rish bish So you better wash dish, bish You know you better wash dish, bish You know you better wash dish, bish I've had enough of your ish, bish I'm a famous and rish bish You better wash dish! Bish Bish I'm suave like Rico I'm wearing all Chicos I'm Carol and so feral Yo, it ought to be illegal My daughter's ass is phat Greg wanna get with that I'm so crazy, I got rabies All I want is grandbabies Suge Knight's a bish, what! Now, now You know you better wash dish, bish I've had enough of your ish, bish I'm a famous and rish bish So you better wash dish, bish You know you better wash dish, bish You know you better wash dish, bish I've had enough of your ish, bish I' a famous and rish bish You better wash dish! Mm-mm.
Not today.
Well, I did it.
All of it.
Congratulations, Katie, but you forgot one thing.
The Snapchat Digital Newsisodes.
Hey, Chuck! Would you just mind real quick doing a Snapchat newsisode? Sure.
I love digital content.
- Wait, really? - You bet.
I just need some makeup, my favorite suit Of course.
And some embalming fluid, because I'll be doing that over my dead body! Isn't it great? Everything's going according to plan.
Mom, what are you talking about? - I'm failing.
- Exactly.
Now Greg can save the day and feel strong and manly.
Like your dad when he got that jaywalker released from supermax prison after only seven years.
Wait, so you want me to just give up? Yes! Apologize to Greg.
He'll take you in his arms.
Then the sexual fireworks can begin.
Then you guys have sex! P, that video was straight fire.
I'll bet your Insta's blowing up.
Peep them likes, girl.
Who am I? I had a wife and a teenage son.
Zero likes.
Zero comments.
Zero followers.
What the hell happened? What did you do to my followers? I seized them.
I'm on the board of Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter, and Westworld.
I can do whatever I want to your followers, even worse than what I do to those robots, and I do some messed up stuff, stuff where I'm the boy.
[GASPS.]
Attention, everyone.
Attention.
I need to apologize to Greg.
- Why, you ask? - No, we don't.
Because somebody taught me a valuable lesson.
Greg, I thought I could do your job as well as you, but I'm not you.
I'm just a girl standing in front of a guy asking him to eat my shorts.
Wait, what? I'm the baddest bitch in the game, and you a punk! Hit it, Justin! - Justin! Justin.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you said, "Play it when I say something cool to Greg.
" - Was that it? - Yes.
[NEWS BROADCAST THEME PLAYS.]
You recut Portia's videos into Snapchat digital newsisodes.
Whoomp, there it is! This is how we do it.
Who let the dogs out? Rock and Roll, Part Two! You were supposed to apologize to Greg, not emasculate him.
I was promised sexual fireworks.
Ooh! Uh, Ms.
St.
Tropez? I took your advice, and I went for what I wanted.
I executive produced today's show and the Snapchat digital newsisodes, and I chose Arby's for lunch.
I mean "but" I chose Arby's for lunch.
I'm impressed.
The job is yours.
- Huh? - Wait, what about Greg? Oh, I'll just demote him.
You can be his boss now.
Well, congratulations on your promotion.
And on dying alone.
Well, you had to win.
- I hope you're happy.
- I'm not! I just wanted to prove that I could do Greg's job.
I don't actually want it.
But I can't go to Diana and be like, "Oh, I don't want more responsibility, I want a man to be the boss!" I can't disappoint her, Mom.
She has a plan for my career, which is more than I have.
If Diana wants me to be the boss, I have to do it.
Why? You're gonna blindly listen to some annoying older woman who acts like she knows what's best for you? Wait, is that what I've been? No, no.
It's different.
No, no, Mom, keep realizing.
Well, technically, I am an older woman who acts like I know what's best for you.
I'm not annoying, am I? No, you're not annoying, but I don't need you pushing me to be with Greg.
It's for me to figure out.
You're right, Katie.
I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but maybe you do know what's best for you.
I taste metal.
Thank you.
I guess I've stood up to all the women pushing me around in my life.
No, Katie.
Keep realizing.
Aww.
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
- Look.
I know I can't beat you, so the only way to end this is if we can both win.
- I'm listening.
- Here's my proposal.
We monetize this.
You get half the revenue of Team Portia-Team Diana apparel.
Half the proceeds of "Wash Dish Bish" downloads.
And a producer credit on the show about our feud that I just sold to Ryan Murphy.
Wow, you thought of all that? I guess without the corrosive effects of the opiate that we call social media, my brain was able to ideate a strategy based on my own admittedly rudimentary experience-based intuitions about the marketplace.
Oh, look what I made while I was talking.
I owe you an apology, Portia.
You may not have an MBA or be invited to the CEO gatherings where we hunt people And they're not poor people either, they're very solidly upper-middle class But you are a real businesswoman.
Thank you, Diana.
Oh, and I brought you something.
I'm really sorry, Diana.
Everything just got so turnt.
And I just returned your followers.
[PHONE CHIMING.]
Ms.
St.
Tropez, you told me to assert myself.
So that's what I'm doing.
I don't want to be an executive producer.
So you're refusing a promotion? Yes, and I know how that sounds [HIGH-PITCHED.]
"Ooh, I'm just a woman! A big strong man should be in charge!" But it's not like that.
It's like this.
"Greg's job isn't my goal.
"My goal is to produce stories I care about! Why am I still talking like this?" Stop.
I know you think that I'm going to yell at you for passing up an opportunity, but I never do what people expect of me.
Didn't see that one coming, did you? No, but it was cool, and I deserved it.
This is what I wanted you to do! To not let anything stand between you and what you want.
Not even me.
So good job, Katie.
I'm proud of you.
I'm proud of both of you girls.
How do you spell "a?" Like "a apple?" Hey, I'm sorry about today.
Is this an actual sorry, or, "Sorry you're an idiot," and then you spray me with a hose? No, actual sorry.
Your job is really hard, and I thought it would be easy because you make it look easy.
Well, your job's hard too.
It's tough to be invested in a piece that someone else assigned you.
From now on, if there is a story that you really want to do, I promise to listen.
Really? Thanks, Greg.
Friends? Friends.
Like Ross and Rachel from my gym.
Hi, it's me.
Let's book that cruise after all.
Yeah, she'll have eggs, bagels, pancakes, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs
Why did I tell you about what happened between me and Greg? We didn't even kiss, and we already put it to bed.
TMI.
Tell Mommy Information.
He has a girlfriend, okay? And even if he didn't, we work together.
That's even juicer! It's like the classic "will they, won't they.
" You're like Jim and Pam from Daddy's office.
Don't worry, your sexy secret's safe with me.
Mm, mm, mm.
Oh, you're not fooling me.
I know you always keep a spare.
Hey, Greg! I heard you're on the outs with your family, so it probably means you have to spend every holiday with your in-laws.
I suppose so.
Yeah, so Christmas and Mother's Day and Mother's Christmas.
It's a mid-September holiday I'm working on.
- Okay, come on, Mom.
- Hey, Greg, could your wedding be at Downton Abbey? Can I be the maid of honor and the DJ? How many people have to die before you're king? [UPBEAT NEWS BROADCAST MUSIC.]
At 10:00, you have a "women in business" panel.
At 11:00, you have a call with Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk.
At 11:15, you have a call with Elon Musk to apologize for making him cry in front of Jeff Bezos.
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
- Ms.
St.
Tropez? Katie Wendelson.
You offered me career advice out of pity.
Ah.
It means so much to have a woman like you take me under her wing.
Of course.
Women of my generation didn't have female CEOs to look up to.
Until recently, ambition in women was medically classified as menstrual hysteria, or Linda's Syndrome.
So, Katie, what are your goals? Why tell you when I could show you? - It's a Pinterest for my career.
- [TABLET CHIMES.]
Oh, DepressedWoman39 re-pinned me.
Be more specific.
What do you want, and what's stopping you? Well, I'd like to have more say in the stories that we do.
But Greg always shoots me down because my ideas are "too boring" and "stop pitching me stuff in the men's room.
" - But someday - Not someday.
You need to assert yourself now.
Go for what you want.
Doesn't matter what other people say.
So I just shouldn't take no for an answer.
Like at Chipotle when I make them go buy more barbacoa.
Sure.
You know what might be a productive way to start the meeting? If we all went around and said our favorite things about Katie.
- Greg, you start.
- Mom! No! Mine's her butt and boobs.
Is it okay to say two? Good morning, everyone.
Portia is coming in late, and Chuck Was waiting for you to say his name.
All right, let's begin.
I would like to produce a piece No, I demand to produce a piece about the impending extinction of the South American Legless Spider, and I won't take no for an answer.
No.
Nobody cares about that.
You're doing a profile on Eric Trump's teeth sharpener.
- But - Gene, you're going to Camden to do a piece on that toxic waste dump and how every producer who's done a piece there has webbed feet now.
- Can't get webbed feet twice.
- All right, moving on Moving backwards, what if Gene does both stories, and I do my idea? No! And stop interrupting me.
Are you picking up on this white-hot sexual tension? Between me and you? I don't think so.
Well, all right.
- You wore me down.
- Now, then, Chuck.
I know how you feel about digital content I hate it! What is it? Diana has asked us to produce a series of Snapchat Newsisodes.
- No such thing.
- Chuck, please.
[IMITATING GEORGE W.
H.
BUSH.]
Not gonna do it.
Dana Carvey.
I feel you, Greg.
Nothing worse than somebody saying no to your - No! - Look at these two.
Just like Sam and Diane.
From "Cheers," the classic '80s alcoholism PSA? No, Salmon Diane.
The classic fish recipe.
Just salmon and nacho cheese.
You wouldn't think they would go together, and in many ways, they do not Enough! All Wendelsons get out! So sorry I'm late, I was in the middle of a super important dream.
Portia? What are you doing here? Oh, I'm speaking on this panel.
But it's for female CEOs.
Yeah, that's me.
My line of jade crotch eggs just went public.
It's a practice developed thousands of years ago by ancient Chinese idiots.
Our next question comes from Lisa.
"How do I adapt to the challenges of today's rapidly changing marketplace?" - Well, I always tell people - I'll take this one.
Lisa, just create a video game of yourself that makes a billion dollars.
Portia actually brings up an interesting point.
- Actually? - Today, any woman can be a CEO.
Portia or Kylie Jenner or that turtle who had sex with a shoe She has her own line of aquarium filters.
Frankly, I find it inspiring.
[APPLAUSE.]
Don't clap for me.
I'm not dancing.
[APPLAUSE.]
What the hell were you doing in that meeting? I'm sorry, okay? Diana told me to go for what I want.
You already met Robert Pattinson.
You threw up on him.
I just thought it would be nice if I got to decide what stories I do.
But that isn't your job.
Or are you saying you want my job? No, just that one part.
You can do everything else an executive producer does, which I'm guessing involves a stamp? It involves three stamps, and your little proposal has been denied.
- This says "tubular.
" - Stay in your lane, Wendelson.
You wouldn't last a day as executive producer.
I think you're just scared, 'cause you don't want anyone to find out how easy your job is.
Oh, really? Well, if you think it's so easy, maybe you should executive produce tomorrow's show.
- Fine.
- Fine.
Why are the lights dimming? Sha-la-la-la-la-la Don't be scared You got the mood prepared Go on and kiss the girl Oh, good, you told your mother about us not kissing.
- No, I didn't.
- La-la-la-la, yes she did La-la-la! Attention, everybody! Tomorrow's show will be executive produced by Katie Wendelson.
- Why, you ask? - No, we don't.
To teach someone a valuable lesson.
- [SMACK.]
- Oh, that was Katie.
What's wrong, Portia? Your face looks all ex-wifey.
Everyone's talking about this women-in-business panel I did yesterday Diana publicly insulted me.
Publicly? You're saying people actually attended this panel? I'm getting supportive tweets from non-verifieds.
Normal people aren't supposed to feel sorry for me.
I'm supposed to feel nothing for them.
All right, you have to fight back.
That's what I did with Steve Croft.
He called me an empty suit with B+ hair.
So you know what I did? I started spending all my free time with Mike Wallace, Morley Safer, Andy Rooney, and eventually, all Croft's best friends became Chuck's best friends.
And now they're all dead.
I forget what my point was.
This sounds like a squad feud.
I thought that only happened to pop stars.
No, like most things, they stole it from cool white men.
Huh.
I think I know exactly how to get back at Diana for this.
Thanks, Chuck.
You're 100.
How dare you? Greg, wow, have you been working out? Your shoulders are huge.
That's Katie who will be executive producing today's show.
I will be taking over her duties, such as playing with my hair or interrupting with unhelpful musings about journalistic integrity.
I thought, today, we might do things a little bit differently around here, okay? Instead of me standing up here like a know-it-all, I want to hear from youse guys.
Gene, what do you want to produce? Sounds good, boss.
I'm on it.
Gene, I didn't assign you anything.
Come on.
Come on.
What's your dream story? Wow.
Okay.
I've always wanted to do an exposé about how there's actually a woman in the Mr.
Met costume.
I mean, look at the alluring way in which it moves.
Wow, I thought that was gonna be better.
I have an idea for a story.
"Katie: did she bite off more than she can chew?" That's not bad.
Mom, what are you doing? Just setting the mood for you and Greg.
Now, where do you want me to shuck these oysters? Cut it out! There is no me and Greg.
- Greg and I are fighting.
- Oh, I know.
It's exactly the way things started between your father and me.
Wait, I thought that happened on Coney Island at that freak show featuring the buttless woman.
Oh, that's just the story we tell.
Why? The real story about how we fell in love goes like this.
One day, I was a secretary at your father's firm, and I talked him into letting me defend a client who got a jaywalking ticket.
And you proved you could do it? No, he got sent to supermax prison, but you should've seen how mad your father was.
Oh! The sexual tension! It was slap, slap, kiss, kiss, Katie's born, never touch me again.
Well, that's not what's happening with me and Greg.
Greg is a jerk, and I want to prove that I can do his job.
Plus, Diana told me to assert myself, and I don't want to let her down.
Got it, but here's the thing.
I'm booking a cruise for next July, and I need to know if you and Greg want to share an interior or an ocean view stateroom Gerald, what time is my call with the shareholders? Gerald? [INDISTINCT CHATTER AND GIGGLING.]
What the hell is this? You and I are in a squad feud.
You came at me in public, so I stole your backup dancer.
Gerald is my chief of staff, and he's never danced a day in his life.
But I want to, Diana.
I want to dance and sing and live and love and create.
You don't understand.
Last night, Portia took me to a party in the Statue of Liberty's anus.
I canoodled with Zendaya.
- Oh, no, that was Zayn.
- Oh.
I don't have time for this.
You four, come with me.
I'm giving you a show on MMN, it's called "Hot Chat," - I just announced it.
- [PHONE CHIMES.]
Oh, it's already number one in its time slot.
Portia never gave us a show.
What's a time slot? [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hey, we need new footage of that tornado in Oklahoma.
I just played it with the sound up.
The storm chasers say some pretty messed up stuff about Jewish people.
Greg said you'd deal with it? - Okay, let's see - Hey, Katie.
My AVID's acting weird again.
Can you call the IT guy? Okay.
Legal says we can't use the Mets logo for the Mr.
Met piece.
Should we use this one that I drew? Hey! You traced that from my drawing! Katie, he shouldn't get credit for that! - Oh, well, this sucks.
- What now? I saw everyone coming in here, so I figured you were gonna surprise me for my birthday.
You know, turning 60 is kind of a big deal.
I didn't know that he was 60.
I definitely didn't trace anything off of his thing.
[OVERLAPPING ARGUING.]
I know what you're doing! You are sabotaging me.
You filled my office with complaining dementoids.
I didn't do anything.
Dealing with them is part of the job that you signed up for and are quite predictably failing at.
But hey, you got to play boss lady dress-up for an hour, didn't you? That's fun! Hey, Greg, you know what else is part of the job I signed up for? Assigning people stories they don't want to do.
Easy, Katharine.
We're just having a spot of workplace fun.
No, no, I think I'm gonna assign you a piece, but what should that be? STDs in nursing homes.
You monster.
I want to know everything, Greg.
Who's got 'em? Who they got 'em from? How they got 'em.
Who's got 'em? Okay.
So we're playing dirty now, are we? All right.
- [DIALING PHONE.]
- [REPEATS DIALING SEQUENCE.]
Why are you calling my mom? Carol, it's me.
Despite what I yelled at you earlier, I'm in for the cruise.
Yeah, I hope Katie can make it too.
Have you considered bothering her about it more? You son of a bitch.
And here's my breakfast order for all 28 days at sea: eggs, pancakes, bagels, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Could you pick that up? [SIGHS.]
Hello, this is Gerald, not Diana answering her own phone.
What? "Shots fired! Portia Scott-Griffith declares squad feud with MMN boardroom bitch.
" [DRAMATIC ROCK MUSIC.]
Now, now You know you better wash dish, bish I've had enough of your ish, bish I'm a famous and rish bish So you better wash dish, bish You know you better wash dish, bish You know you better wash dish, bish I've had enough of your ish, bish I'm a famous and rish bish You better wash dish! Bish Bish I'm suave like Rico I'm wearing all Chicos I'm Carol and so feral Yo, it ought to be illegal My daughter's ass is phat Greg wanna get with that I'm so crazy, I got rabies All I want is grandbabies Suge Knight's a bish, what! Now, now You know you better wash dish, bish I've had enough of your ish, bish I'm a famous and rish bish So you better wash dish, bish You know you better wash dish, bish You know you better wash dish, bish I've had enough of your ish, bish I' a famous and rish bish You better wash dish! Mm-mm.
Not today.
Well, I did it.
All of it.
Congratulations, Katie, but you forgot one thing.
The Snapchat Digital Newsisodes.
Hey, Chuck! Would you just mind real quick doing a Snapchat newsisode? Sure.
I love digital content.
- Wait, really? - You bet.
I just need some makeup, my favorite suit Of course.
And some embalming fluid, because I'll be doing that over my dead body! Isn't it great? Everything's going according to plan.
Mom, what are you talking about? - I'm failing.
- Exactly.
Now Greg can save the day and feel strong and manly.
Like your dad when he got that jaywalker released from supermax prison after only seven years.
Wait, so you want me to just give up? Yes! Apologize to Greg.
He'll take you in his arms.
Then the sexual fireworks can begin.
Then you guys have sex! P, that video was straight fire.
I'll bet your Insta's blowing up.
Peep them likes, girl.
Who am I? I had a wife and a teenage son.
Zero likes.
Zero comments.
Zero followers.
What the hell happened? What did you do to my followers? I seized them.
I'm on the board of Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter, and Westworld.
I can do whatever I want to your followers, even worse than what I do to those robots, and I do some messed up stuff, stuff where I'm the boy.
[GASPS.]
Attention, everyone.
Attention.
I need to apologize to Greg.
- Why, you ask? - No, we don't.
Because somebody taught me a valuable lesson.
Greg, I thought I could do your job as well as you, but I'm not you.
I'm just a girl standing in front of a guy asking him to eat my shorts.
Wait, what? I'm the baddest bitch in the game, and you a punk! Hit it, Justin! - Justin! Justin.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you said, "Play it when I say something cool to Greg.
" - Was that it? - Yes.
[NEWS BROADCAST THEME PLAYS.]
You recut Portia's videos into Snapchat digital newsisodes.
Whoomp, there it is! This is how we do it.
Who let the dogs out? Rock and Roll, Part Two! You were supposed to apologize to Greg, not emasculate him.
I was promised sexual fireworks.
Ooh! Uh, Ms.
St.
Tropez? I took your advice, and I went for what I wanted.
I executive produced today's show and the Snapchat digital newsisodes, and I chose Arby's for lunch.
I mean "but" I chose Arby's for lunch.
I'm impressed.
The job is yours.
- Huh? - Wait, what about Greg? Oh, I'll just demote him.
You can be his boss now.
Well, congratulations on your promotion.
And on dying alone.
Well, you had to win.
- I hope you're happy.
- I'm not! I just wanted to prove that I could do Greg's job.
I don't actually want it.
But I can't go to Diana and be like, "Oh, I don't want more responsibility, I want a man to be the boss!" I can't disappoint her, Mom.
She has a plan for my career, which is more than I have.
If Diana wants me to be the boss, I have to do it.
Why? You're gonna blindly listen to some annoying older woman who acts like she knows what's best for you? Wait, is that what I've been? No, no.
It's different.
No, no, Mom, keep realizing.
Well, technically, I am an older woman who acts like I know what's best for you.
I'm not annoying, am I? No, you're not annoying, but I don't need you pushing me to be with Greg.
It's for me to figure out.
You're right, Katie.
I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but maybe you do know what's best for you.
I taste metal.
Thank you.
I guess I've stood up to all the women pushing me around in my life.
No, Katie.
Keep realizing.
Aww.
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
- Look.
I know I can't beat you, so the only way to end this is if we can both win.
- I'm listening.
- Here's my proposal.
We monetize this.
You get half the revenue of Team Portia-Team Diana apparel.
Half the proceeds of "Wash Dish Bish" downloads.
And a producer credit on the show about our feud that I just sold to Ryan Murphy.
Wow, you thought of all that? I guess without the corrosive effects of the opiate that we call social media, my brain was able to ideate a strategy based on my own admittedly rudimentary experience-based intuitions about the marketplace.
Oh, look what I made while I was talking.
I owe you an apology, Portia.
You may not have an MBA or be invited to the CEO gatherings where we hunt people And they're not poor people either, they're very solidly upper-middle class But you are a real businesswoman.
Thank you, Diana.
Oh, and I brought you something.
I'm really sorry, Diana.
Everything just got so turnt.
And I just returned your followers.
[PHONE CHIMING.]
Ms.
St.
Tropez, you told me to assert myself.
So that's what I'm doing.
I don't want to be an executive producer.
So you're refusing a promotion? Yes, and I know how that sounds [HIGH-PITCHED.]
"Ooh, I'm just a woman! A big strong man should be in charge!" But it's not like that.
It's like this.
"Greg's job isn't my goal.
"My goal is to produce stories I care about! Why am I still talking like this?" Stop.
I know you think that I'm going to yell at you for passing up an opportunity, but I never do what people expect of me.
Didn't see that one coming, did you? No, but it was cool, and I deserved it.
This is what I wanted you to do! To not let anything stand between you and what you want.
Not even me.
So good job, Katie.
I'm proud of you.
I'm proud of both of you girls.
How do you spell "a?" Like "a apple?" Hey, I'm sorry about today.
Is this an actual sorry, or, "Sorry you're an idiot," and then you spray me with a hose? No, actual sorry.
Your job is really hard, and I thought it would be easy because you make it look easy.
Well, your job's hard too.
It's tough to be invested in a piece that someone else assigned you.
From now on, if there is a story that you really want to do, I promise to listen.
Really? Thanks, Greg.
Friends? Friends.
Like Ross and Rachel from my gym.
Hi, it's me.
Let's book that cruise after all.
Yeah, she'll have eggs, bagels, pancakes, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs