Great News (2017) s02e03 Episode Script


1 [UPBEAT MUSIC] [SOFT KNOCKING] You wanted to see me? I have some news, and I wanted you to be the first to know.
Well, like, 40th.
But the first here at MMN.
No, I suppose not.
The point is, I've been promoted again.
[GASPS] Wow.
- Like a boss.
- Mm, very much so.
Starting next week, I will be the new COO of Waffen Spielzeug Fernsehen, the conglomerate which owns MMN, Nerf, and Lockheed Martin.
I'll be working from Stuttgart, but on the weekends, I'll be able to meet my children halfway on an aircraft carrier in the Bering Sea.
Children love the Bering Sea.
So you won't be around? But you're my mentor.
Could you appear in the clouds when I have a moral conundrum? I do have Mufasa technology, but it's very expensive.
Oh, one last thing.
I know that you have been trying to figure out your next move, but I think you've earned a title bump.
How would you like to be senior associate producer? [GASPS] Katie Wendelson, Senior Associate Producer.
Oh, man, I wish I knew how to change my email signature, 'cause it still says, "Go, Paramus High Field Hockey!" I won't let you down.
I'm sure you won't.
Mom! Mom, huge news.
Diana just gave me a promotion.
Oh, Katie, that's great! Oh! [GASPS] Oh, I can see it now.
Corner office, fancy desk, gold nameplate.
Hey, why aren't there more pictures of me in there? Well, no, it's just a title, but I finally feel like I'm headed in the right direction.
Oh, that's great, Katie.
Oh, speaking of high-level corporate shake-ups, Brayden R.
is going back to Rutgers for his sophomore year, which means there's an opening for a new head intern.
- Wait a minute.
- Brayden R.
was only a freshman? He was over 18, though, right? Mm-mm-mm.
So are you gonna apply? Me? Oh, no, I don't think that I'm leadership material.
Mom, don't underestimate yourself.
If you want something, you should go for it, like I did with Diana.
You're right, Katie.
I should apply for that job.
Wow, you give good advice.
What do you know about lesbian bed death? Because I think it's happening to Daddy and me.
[UPBEAT NEWS BROADCAST MUSIC] Wow, Diana got another promotion? She's, like, my hero.
It used to be Tavi Gevinson, but then she got old.
I would've been back sooner, but the lady at the Pathmark bakery counter wasn't super on the ball.
Mm-hmm, "Congratulations Diana "in blue icing with an exclamation point "after Diana should I put from Katie on the cake "or just tell her it was from me hey what are you" Too bad Diana's leaving.
I totally could've hit that.
- Come on, man.
- Um, uh-huh.
Like the time you told us you hooked up with Lorna Doone.
That's a cookie.
So it wasn't technically a lie.
Don't be disgusting, Justin.
Diana is our boss.
You're just jealous.
I'm telling you, she came into my edit bay and tried to French all over me.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, you've said a lot of stuff recently that makes me think you don't know what sex is.
[GASPS] So you heard the news? It's true.
I got the head intern job.
That's great, Mom.
Wait, no, that's for Diana! A cake for me? So you heard about my big endorsement deal.
It's true.
You're looking at the new face of the Tomato Juice Council.
Tomatoes take a sip.
Please? Wait, no, no, no, ju [GROANS] [KNOCK AT DOOR] - You wanted to see me? - Hmm? Oh, yes, it's about tonight's panel.
Jeff Sessions has agreed to be on the show, but we don't have enough telephone books for his chair.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY] I'm sorry.
I seem to have dropped my pen.
Would you mind bending over and picking it up? Oh, yes, of course.
- [PEN CLATTERS] - Clumsy me.
[LAUGHS] [OMINOUS MUSIC] Slower this time.
I've been sexually harassed.
Oh, my God! That's how you say "harassed"? What do you mean you got harassed? Was it Chuck? I wasn't gonna say anything, but I think he might think you're a girl.
- No, it was Diana.
- Wait, Diana? Yes, Justin was right.
She made me feel like a piece of meat.
Okay, what did she do to you? [SIGHS] We were in her office, and out of nowhere, Katie, she dropped her pen.
Dropped her pen? I'm sorry, I don't know that many sex moves.
According to a "Cosmo" quiz, I'm pretty enough to just lie there.
No, no, she dropped her pen and made me pick it up.
Wait, that's it? Ugh.
Men always think that women are trying to sleep with them.
If a woman is even the slightest bit nice to a man, he thinks it's because she's in love with him.
I've got a girlfriend.
I expect that kind of thing from Justin, but from you, Greg? Maybe it was innocent.
But but it felt wrong.
Trust me, okay? This is Diana effing St.
effing Tropez.
If she wanted you [LAUGHING] she wouldn't throw a pen.
She would just take you.
She would just take you and just grab you and just take you and she would just shove it - [GROANS] - Katie.
Anyway, it didn't happen.
Hey, someone dressed up for their first day as head intern.
Very profesh.
I got the suit from my neighbor's son's bar mitzvah.
[SIGHS] Good morning, underlings.
I am Carol Wendelson, and I am your new head intern.
Look, we all loved Brayden R.
, but let's be honest.
He didn't run a very tight ship.
That ends today.
Under my watch, we're gonna start washing the coffee mugs before dumping them out and putting them back in the cabinet.
You don't wash them? It's a new day at MMN.
If we put our minds to it, we might even get that old balloon everyone complains about down from the ceiling.
They say it's been there since these were the offices for "Yo! MMN Raps.
" Serbs, Slavs, Albanians, and more Those are the fighters in the Kosovo War - [MIC BOOMS] - You know what? Richard, this is not gonna work.
I don't know; that balloon's pretty high up there.
Even Brayden R.
couldn't get it down.
Well, Brayden R.
's not here anymore.
He abandoned you.
All you have is Brayden C.
, the other Brayden R.
, tall Brayden, and me, Carol.
What's your name, anyway? Moana.
My parents named me after the movie.
How old are you? [SCOFFS] Well, it wasn't just me.
Diana harassed Gene and Wayne too.
Yeah, just like she did me.
That's definitely a lie.
[ALL CONTESTING AT ONCE] She told me that she'd fire me unless I ate a banana in front of her.
You like potassium? Take it all.
Take all that potassium.
What the hell is wrong with you? So? Maybe she was just trying to get you to eat healthy.
Well, what about me? She promised to approve my request for the new 8K S41 camera if I danced for her.
Of course I said no.
Can I at least put some music on or something? No.
Case closed.
You know, from "Law & Order.
" In England, it's called "Barristers & Decorum," and every role is played by Dame Maggie Smith.
Okay, I don't know what's going on here, but I refuse to believe that the future COO of a multibillion-dollar congromelate would risk her promotion just to molest this.
How many more men have to come forward before you believe us? Um, in the words of the Cosby jurors, duh, I don't know, more than 60? This always happens.
Men just can't stand seeing a woman in power, so they'll do anything to tear her down.
Hillary "did Benghazi.
" Catherine the Great "had sex with horses.
" Portia brand teeth whitener is "just leftover paint from her gazebo.
" Well, there's only one way to settle this.
Exactly, Chuck.
We need to report her to human resources.
I will weave a web of seduction and catch her in the act.
It is time for a good old-fashioned honeypot.
What would you even report, that Gene ate a banana and that Wayne didn't dance? Even if Diana made you guys uncomfortable, what were you doing in her office? In the middle of the day? Alone? Are you saying that we ask for it? No.
No, no, no.
I'm just saying What were you wearing? - That is not right.
- Victim shaming.
I dress sexy because it makes me feel good.
Okay, okay.
Just, before you go to HR, just let me talk to Diana.
I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for all of this.
There has to be.
Diana's innocent.
She wasn't interested in me, which proves that she's a very serious, very professional lady.
Case closed.
[LEATHER SHORTS SQUEAKING] Carol has one more obstacle to complete before she becomes the next American Ninja Warrior.
Can she slam-dunk these scripts into the recycling bi - [LOUD THUD] - [YELPS] And the judges say it's close enough, and the crowd goes wild.
And she's, like, a million years old.
[LAUGHTER] When I told her to Venmo me the $5 she owed me, she gave me these weird paper tickets.
There's no way she deserves to be head intern.
I heard she only got the job 'cause her daughter's, like, a producer on the show or something.
How lame is that? [LAUGHTER] [MELLOW MUSIC] Carol? I consider myself a keen observer of the female psyche, and I can tell you're feeling, uh gassy? Right as always, Chuck.
I'm also beginning to worry that I don't deserve my job.
Executive producer.
Head intern.
All the other interns go to fancy schools and they know news stuff.
They can lift a box without getting permission from their chiropractor.
Of course you deserve it.
Those kids are a bunch of spoiled brats.
Listen, I don't trust anybody who can afford to work for free.
When I was in college, I made my own way, giving tug jobs down at the docks.
Huh? You know, tugging the boats out of the port with my hands.
Well, I don't get paid either.
But you've got something those jerk interns don't have.
- Bangs? - No! Life experience.
All the things you've accumulated over the years.
The things you've gathered.
They're worth more than all the money and connections and young brains that remember names, Rachel.
You are right.
I'm gonna show those kids that I deserve to be head intern.
Thank you, Chuck.
Damn it, I should've asked her to cut me out of these things.
Come in.
I'm just looking at pictures of my new office in Stuttgart.
Ooh, is that a real Jackson Pollock on the wall? No, the previous COO shot himself because the job was too hard.
- What can I do you for? - Hey, I don't I don't wanna get anyone in trouble, but I thought you should maybe know what some people on staff are saying about you.
[LAUGHS] Don't worry.
I've heard it all.
Steve Ballmer once called me an [SUSTAINED BLEEP] Muncher.
But that's just Steve being Steve, you know? We own the Clippers together now.
Well, this is so stupid.
[LAUGHS] But, um, some of the guys downstairs are saying that you sexually harassed them.
Isn't that crazy? [SCOFFS] They're insane.
That is what I said.
That wasn't sexual harassment.
They wanted it.
[OMINOUS MUSIC] Wait, so you did all that stuff that the guys said you did? I may have made a few off-color comments, but, you know, that's just locker room talk.
So I told a couple guys they had nice bulges.
Take the compliment.
[LAUGHS] I mean, I'm leaving MMN in a couple of days.
I just wanted to cut loose and have fun.
What can I say? I'm a very horny gal.
Well, some of them wanted to report you to HR, but You stopped them.
That shows loyalty.
That's exactly what I would expect from a senior associate producer.
Us gals gotta stick together, right? Give me a pervert's high five.
You know how to do it.
I do deserve to be head intern.
[INHALES DEEPLY] See you in hell, Brayden R.
Oh, ugh! Ugh oh, there we go.
[GROANS] How do I get up there? Ugh.
Almost there.
I think I'm right above it.
- [YELPS] - [LOUD CRASH] Ugh! [GROANING] [SIGHS] Hello, Dave.
I'm home.
Hello, dear.
Dinner's almost ready.
[OBJECTS CLATTERING] Dave, I told you I needed a new shed for all my vacuum stuff.
You got it, dear.
I'll just demolish my prized tulip garden to make room.
Everything you've accumulated over the years.
Everything you've gathered.
[ETHEREAL CHORAL SINGING] Get it, Carol? [INDISTINCT CHATTER] Now tell me I don't deserve this job.
How did you get it down? With everything I've accumulated all these years.
- [STRAINING] - [VACUUM WHIRRING] But I guess they don't teach life experience in your fancy schools.
Or hoarding.
Wow, you really do deserve to be head intern.
I guess I was just jealous that I didn't get the job.
[LAUGHS] I win.
But before I lift my fist in victory, I have to call my chiropractor.
Hey, Dr.
Okay, I won't.
Also, I fell out of the ceiling earlier.
Guess what, Katie.
I am a great head intern, and this piece of plastic garbage proves it.
[SIGHS HAPPILY] What's wrong? I don't know what to do about Diana.
I really looked up to her, but I think she might be a bad person.
How bad are we talking? Like, Cousin Jimmy bad? Or Cousin Frank bad? She's a sexual harasser, Mom.
I wanna be loyal, but if I stay quiet, I'm just as bad as she is.
So you know.
- Huh? - Well, it's true.
It's all true! I don't deserve to be head intern.
The only way I got this job is that Diana made me Do things.
So you wanna be head intern.
Yes, Ms.
Trapeze, and here is my résumé.
I might be able to help you out if you play your cards right.
What do you think of this guy? He looks strong, huh? Yes, real strong.
Um, what? Oh, God! My own mother's being harassed and I've been covering it up! She made me play Go Fish with her nudie cards.
I won by getting four butts.
I am so sorry.
You guys were telling the truth about Diana, but I didn't believe you.
We are all going to HR together to report her.
I will do the talking.
[ANGUISHED] Diana was was I can't remember.
I'm so nervous, I can't remember.
It doesn't matter what you say.
No one is gonna believe any of you normies over someone as powerful as Diana St.
My mentor, Roger Ailes, had been whipping it out in front of women for decades.
By the way bad penis.
- Mm.
- It's actually why they started calling penises "junk.
" So there's nothing we can do? Well, Rog didn't get in trouble until Gretchen Carlson secretly taped him.
We're gonna need proof.
Course! Honeypot.
I'm on it.
- Please don't, Chuck.
- No, no, no.
- Let me do it.
- No, wait.
He's right this time.
But we need a honey we know she'll go for.
A sympathetic victim.
Someone who wouldn't mind putting themselves in the line of fire.
Someone so appealing, she can't refuse.
[SPEAKING MANDARIN] Come in, I'm just saying good night to my children.
[PLAYFUL MUSIC] So you did get that new camera? Uh, what had happened was, she Shh.
I want another promotion.
What do I have to do to get it? I'm gonna ask you a question, Carol.
And I want you to think about it very seriously before you answer.
Have you ever heard of a dance called the dougie? - Have I! - Then do it for me.
[HUMMING] Nice, Carol.
Very pretty, Carol.
Très jolie, Carol.
That's the hot soup Mama wants for supper Ugh, I can't do this.
What is wrong with you people? What? I have been disgusting.
I have harassed the men.
I've harassed you.
I admitted all of it to Katie, thinking she would report me, and she didn't.
No one did.
Wait, you wanna be reported to HR? Of course I do.
Basically, the only person in the whole building I haven't hit on is Justin.
- Oh, God, Justin.
- [GIGGLING] - Ew.
- Gross.
I have fought for workplace equality for 25 years.
I just want what the men get: $40 million to go away.
Roger Ailes got 40 just for whipping it out.
Billy Bush got 9 just for giggling about boobies.
Bill O'Reilly got 25.
But no, I just keep succeeding and succeeding and succeeding and using westbound international flights to create a 175-hour workweek.
And now they wanna promote me again.
I just wanna go away, Carol.
Why won't they let me go away? Aw, your poor thing.
I know you're all out there, by the way.
You're very bad at hiding.
[DOOR OPENS] That's a nice story, sweetheart, but it just has one hole.
How come you never made a pass at me? Because you would've been into it.
You're right, I would have.
And I still can be, if you, uh No? Anyone? - No.
- Mm-mm.
I am so sorry I made you all feel uncomfortable.
It's horrible.
I really don't understand what men get out of it.
That and golf.
Why? - Hard to explain.
- I don't believe that.
[CLEARS THROAT] You know what? No, it's not.
We're all a bunch of sickos.
Diana, I've seen you work so hard, and you've done so much for me and and for the show, so if it would help, I'll tell HR you harassed me.
Really? You would do that? I'll say you made me jump up and down until it jiggled.
I'll say you put your fingers in my mouth.
I'll say you made me sit on your hand.
I'll say you called me "hot chocolate" and spit in my beard.
I'll say you made me take my pants off and rub my butt on the stuff in your office.
- Okay, that'll do.
- Mm-hmm.
It's a generous offer, but I can't let you do that for me.
I've put you all through enough.
I'm just gonna have to suck it up and continue being amazing.
But I do hope I get to see you all again soon because you may well be the kindest, most supportive group of people I've ever worked with.
Ugh! Huge germophobe.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER] Hey, Chuck, look.
Maybe it doesn't matter how I got that head intern job.
They know I deserve it.
And so do I.
You're right, Carol.
Of course Diana wanted me.
- Ah.
- But I see now that she couldn't possibly have acted on her animal urges because there was only one thing that would've ruined her plan.
Falling in love.
So do I still get the promotion, or was that also just you trying to get fired? No, that was a good decision.
You deserve that title.
And maybe someday when you get to be in my position, we'll live in a world where a woman can be a creep and go home with a huge golden parachute.
That sounds like a world worth fighting for.
Thanks for being my gal.
It's been an honor.