Green Acres (1965) s01e01 Episode Script

Oliver Buys A Farm

1 OLIVER: Green acres is the place to be ♪ Farm livin' is the life for me ♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide ♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside ♪ LISA: New York Is where I'd rather stay I get allergic Smelling hay Â™Ş I just adore a penthouse view ♪ Darling, I love you But give me Park Avenue The chores The stores Fresh air Times Square You are my wife Good-bye, city life Green acres, we are there MAN: This is an apartment house Located on fashionable Park Avenue in New York City.
This is Oliver Wendell Douglas, The gentleman who lives in penthouse "B.
" Every day at this time, When Mr.
Douglas comes home From the hustle and bustle of his law practice, And after fighting the rush-hour traffic He enjoys walking out on his terrace And looking at his magnificent view of the city And saying I hate it.
Good evening.
I'm John Daly.
There are many people who would disagree With Oliver Wendell Douglas' feelings about New York City.
Among them, Mrs.
Douglas.
I certainly do.
I love New York.
To me, it has everything.
It certainly has.
Crowded streets, polluted air, Unfriendly people.
New York is nothing but a rat race, And the rats are winning.
Lisa, one of these days, I'm gonna buy a farm and get away from all this.
Now, of course, you will, darling.
I mean it! I know you do.
You've been saying it ever since we married.
Mm-hmm, and I'm going to And soon.
Oliver, how soon? Well Oliver, how soon? Yesterday! Aah! In 1930, there were more than 32 million people Living on farms.
In the 35 years that followed, More than 20 million people sold their farms And moved to the city.
To the best of my knowledge, in this same period of time, Only one man got rid of his Park Avenue penthouse And bought a farm.
Oliver's beautiful and sophisticated wife Reacted to the news of his purchase With typical wifely tolerance.
[explosion.]
Oliver Wendell Douglas' love of farming started here, In this comfortable little farmhouse In Upstate New York near Saratoga Springs, Where Oliver was born.
Oliver was a happy baby.
He didn't catch cold easily.
These are some of the photographs His father took while Oliver was growing up.
By the time his father learned to use the camera, Oliver was 14.
This is young Oliver on his 14th birthday.
Father and son sat down To have a talk about the boy's future.
Well, now, son, Have you given any thought To your future? Yes, sir.
I'd like to be A lawyer.
No, sir.
I'm going to be a farmer.
A farmer?! Oh, now, look here, my boy.
Your mother and I decided that you were Going to be a lawyer From the day you were born.
Don't you think I should have been consulted? What does a day-old kid know about anything? Why, we even named you Oliver Wendell After the associate justice of our supreme court, Oliver Wendell Holmes.
I could change my name.
You'd better change your mind.
You're going to Harvard, And you're going to study law! No, sir.
I'm going to be a farmer! There is one thing you can say about me That you can't say about your mother.
I am not pig-headed.
Now, why do you want to become a farmer?! The boy went on to explain All his reasons for wanting to become a farmer, And why he didn't want to go to Harvard.
Oliver's father listened patiently.
He was a reasonable man.
This picture of Oliver Was taken on the day he graduated From the Harvard school of law.
Oliver started his career With the very distinguished law firm Of Felton, O'Connell, clay, Blakely, Harmon, Dillon, and pastor.
He applied himself diligently to his work, But he never lost his desire to be a farmer.
His days were filled with briefs, Complaints, answers, Demurers, and writs of replevy.
[whistle blows.]
And his lunch hour Was crowded with inter-seeding legumes in corn, Zinc deficiency of field and vegetable crops, How to control sickle coccitiosis of chickens.
Douglas.
Yes, Mr.
Felton? What is that? Uh, a bulletin From the department of agriculture, sir.
Department of agriculture? This is a law office.
Yes, sir.
Where are the papers on the cantor affair? Uh, right here, sir.
They Wait a minute.
Wait.
What What's in that drawer? Uh, papers, sir.
This one! What are those? Mushrooms, sir.
The next office Oliver was associated with was After reporting regularly for 8 weeks, Oliver received a letter Offering him immediate and permanent employment.
After carefully assessing His educational background in law, The army gave him a commission As a lieutenant in the air force.
Even in the midst of war, Oliver never lost his interest in farming.
I'm flying over a field of lettuce.
Looks like butter lettuce.
No.
Oh, no, that's iceberg.
Hey, there's a corn field.
Oh, that doesn't look too good.
Soil's probably suffering From a nitrogen deficiency.
Maybe it's corn borers.
RADIO: Red leader, red leader, Never mind the agricultural report.
Have you sighted the target? The target? The gun emplacement.
Oh, yes, I see it right dead ahead.
Bomb it.
But, sir, it's right in the middle Of a field of tomatoes.
Bomb it! They're just ready to be harvested! Bomb it, and that's an order.
Roger.
[bombs whistling.]
[explosion.]
Red leader.
Red leader, report.
Direct hit.
Ketchup all over everything.
After the war, Oliver returned to the United States And became a successful lawyer.
And romance entered his life.
Oliver now had 2 loves: Lisa And the one he'd never forgotten, farming.
When they returned from their honeymoon, Lisa and Oliver set up housekeeping In this apartment house on east 62nd street.
They lived here for a year, And then moved to east 54th street.
From there, they moved to east 37th street.
5th avenue, East 62nd, Sutton place, Madison avenue, Central Park south, Park Avenue.
Lisa was happy in each one of them, But Oliver insisted on moving.
His reasons were OLIVER: Too noisy.
Too crowded.
No sunshine.
No privacy.
No fresh air.
Too expensive.
Too snooty.
Too far downtown.
Too far uptown.
Oliver, what's the matter with you? The same thing that's always the matter with me.
I drive home through that traffic, The crowds, the foul air, And I say to myself, "This is a ridiculous way to live.
" Oh, Lisa, let's buy a farm.
Oliver Why do you have such a thing about moving to a farm? Why do you have such a thing about not moving to a farm? My thing makes more sense than your thing.
I don't agree with you.
Darling, darling You have everything a man could possibly want.
A beautiful home.
A wife who loves you.
A successful law practice.
Yet you'd throw it all away to move to a farm.
You're darn right I would.
Why? Because a farm Would give me a feeling of accomplishing something.
I'd take a little seed, a tiny little seed, I'd plant it in the ground.
I'd put some dirt on it.
I'd water it.
And pretty soon, Do you know what I'd have? A dirty little wet seed.
You'll never understand the way I feel, Because you were not born on a farm like I was.
But that was a long time ago.
Besides, you grew up in the city.
My roots are in the soil.
So that's what you want to do Soil your roots.
Come with me.
I want to show you something.
I was going to order some beautiful garden furnitures, But I think it's more important That you do a little farming.
Farming? Get yourself some pots and putter.
Dirty up your little seeds.
Have a ball.
It's all yours.
Oh, farming is more than puttering in a few pots.
But, darling, this way you can start out small And find out if you really Can grow anything.
Don't you worry about me growing anything.
LISA: Darling? Oh, darling, you better get dressed.
We are due at the Cooper's at 6:00.
I can't go.
Why not? This is planting season.
I've gotta get these seeds in while the weather's right.
Oh, darling, you can plant flowers anytime.
Flowers? I'm planting a money crop.
Corn, tomatoes, carrots.
How long do you think it will take? You know the coopers.
I don't know how long.
You can't just scatter seeds around.
You gotta do it scientifically.
The corn has to be planted exactly 30 inches apart.
You got a sick pot? I'm taking the soil's temperature.
The department of agriculture Says that corn grows best when the soil is warm.
How am I gonna tell whether the soil is warm or not If I don't take it's temperature? Oh.
Darling, what about the coopers? Tell them we're not coming.
But they'll want to know why.
Tell them the truth.
Tell them I'm planting corn.
I'd rather tell them a lie they'd believe.
Oliver and Lisa didn't go out very much For the next few months.
All his spare time was devoted to farming.
He cultivated, weeded, fertilized.
He did everything Recommended by the department of agriculture, And a few things not recommended by them.
What is that? It's a sun lamp.
I bought it today.
Corn's not getting enough sun.
Can't get through the smog.
Looks fine to me.
Ohh.
Look at those carrots.
Ohh.
Don't worry, darling.
It'll be all right.
It'll grow.
I have all the confidence in you.
Why, I bet There won't be another man on Park Avenue Who has as big a crop as yours.
I won't be back for weeks, So you've got to water the corn everyday.
Do you have your toothbrush? The toothbrush? I don't yes, I've got the toothbrush.
Now, the carrots have to be thinned out.
What about handkerchiefs? Uh, um, handkerchiefs.
Let me look.
Uh, yes, handkerchiefs.
I've got handkerchiefs.
Uh, about the tomatoes Shirts? Uh Yes, I've got shirts.
There's a window box on the uptown side Of the terrace Don't worry, darling.
I'll look after the farm for you.
Thank you.
Have a good trip to Chicago, And good luck with your case.
Thank you.
There, darling.
I'll call you.
Bye.
Haven't you forgotten something? My farm gazette.
I wanted to finish reading it on the plane.
There's an ad in here about a farm In a place called hooterville.
A steal.
160 acres.
Darling, you only have 25 minutes to make your plane.
Oliver! You'll be gone for a week.
Hootersville? [oink.]
Oh, I see it, Arnold.
Hey, fellas! Quiet, Joe.
Arnold's concentrating.
I got some big news about the town.
Yeah? You leavin'? No.
Then it can't be very big.
This is big news.
Somebody bought the Haney place.
MEN: The Haney place? Yeah.
[squeals.]
Sure wish I coulda latched onto him first.
I'd have sold him a few acres Of that bottom land of mine.
What bottom land? That stuff I got down on the Simpson swamp.
Oh, nobody in his right mind Would buy any of that stuff.
This fella bought old man Haney's place, didn't he? You know who he is, Joe? No, but I sure would like to meet him.
Uh, good afternoon, gentlemen.
Afternoon.
Afternoon.
[oinking.]
Good after Uh, I'm looking for Mr.
drucker.
Oh, that's me.
Oh, my name is Douglas.
Oliver Wendell Douglas.
Pleased to meet you.
Douglas Oliver Wendell Douglas? You got enough names for 2 fellas.
No, there's no Douglas at the front of it.
It's just plain Oliver Wendell Douglas.
Well, that ain't very plain.
I'm Joe Carson, manager of the shady rest hotel.
You lookin' for a place to stay? No, no.
I I'm Floyd Smoot, And that there is Fred ziffel.
I'm glad to meet you.
You, too, Mr.
Ziffel.
Yes, sir.
Howdy.
And this is Arnold.
Arnold say hello to Mr uh Douglas.
Oliver Wendell Douglas.
Thought you said there wasn't any Douglas in front of it? There isn't.
I wonder if you could help me, Mr.
drucker.
I'll be right with you.
I don't wanna miss my train.
I understand it leaves for Pixley at 3:10.
You got an hour and 20 minutes.
IT'S 3:05 now.
Yeah, if you wanted to leave at 3:10, You shoulda taken the1:20.
Well, I'm supposed to make a bus connection.
I've got to get back to New York.
Is there any other way I can get to Pixley? You could fly.
I could? If you had a plane.
I don't have a plane.
Then I wouldn't figure on flying.
You can drive to Pixley if you want.
I haven't got a car.
Wanna rent one? Yes.
Where? Pixley.
No, I'm going to Pixley.
Well, you couldn't drive there anyway.
The road was washed out by a flash flood.
Yeah, sure was a lollapalooza Of a rain.
When was that? If I was you, I'd figure on taking the train.
Meanwhile, if you're in a hurry for something, Help yourself.
I've got something I want notarized.
They tell me you're a notary public.
I am when I can find my seal.
Doggone kids keep borrowin' it To crack walnuts.
Got the jaws all sprung.
Mr.
Drucker, I'd appreciate it if you'd look for it.
This is a very important document.
This is the deed to the Haney place.
MEN: The Haney place? [squeals.]
That's right.
Mr.
Douglas, if you wanna buy some land For speculation, I got some bottom Oh, no, no.
I didn't buy this for speculation.
I'm gonna live there and farm it.
MEN: The Haney place? My wife and I are gonna be your neighbors.
Has your wife seen it? No.
Have you seen it? Oh, yes.
And you bought it? Mm-hmm.
That's right.
What business you in? I'm an attorney.
Maybe you can sue Haney and get your money back.
Gentlemen, this has been the dream of my life To buy a farm, move away from the city.
Plow my own fields, plant my own soil.
To get my hands dirty! Sweat and strain to make things grow! To join hands with you, the farmers The backbone of our economy.
Sam, Mr.
Douglas oughta have That bottom land of mine.
Well, Mr.
Douglas, All I can tell you Is we'll be mighty happy to have you and your wife Livin' here in the valley.
[oinks.]
Aah! "Mr.
Douglas," he said, "All I can tell you "is that we'll be mighty happy "to have you and your wife Living with us in the valley.
" Now, that's real neighborly.
When we moved here, Any of the neighbors come And welcome us to the valley? [wailing.]
There's nothing to cry about.
The only one I ever met was that fella from downstairs Who came up to complain about the water from my hose Leaking through his ceiling.
[wailing.]
I don't know what you're crying about.
Oh, it's a beautiful farm.
When I told the fellas at the general store That I had bought it, All they could say was, "The Haney place?" Like they couldn't believe That I'd gotten him to sell it to me.
But you did.
Money talks.
How loud did it talk? Hmm You only gave him a deposit? No, no.
I gave him a check for the full amount.
Oh! Ohh! I didn't want to lose it.
Couple of other people were after it.
Oh, really? Did you see them? Oh, no.
Mr.
Haney wouldn't give me their names.
He knew I'd talk to them, get the price down.
Ah, but you got it up.
It's a fair price! Oliver, stop payment on the check.
No, I can't do that.
Oh, yes, you can.
I wouldn't dream of it.
Besides, it's a certified check.
Ohh.
[wailing.]
Oliver Douglas! Oh, mother! I just couldn't believe it.
What have you done to this child? Mother Oh, there, there, darling.
Mother's here now.
Ohh.
Phew.
Oliver, is it true? Is what true? What Lisa told me on the telephone.
That you've bought a farm.
Yes! Ohh.
Go pack your things.
You're moving in with me.
I told you not to marry him.
I warned you.
Look, whose side are you on, anyway? Hers.
But you're my mother! Let's not shout it around, shall we? Ohh, Oliver, Why did you have to do this? Couldn't you have been happy out there Farming the South 40? I want a real farm, Like the one I was born on.
If anyone's to blame, you are.
If anyone's to blame, it's your father.
If he hadn't insisted on staying For that last race at Saratoga, We would've made it to the hospital.
It doesn't matter why I was born there.
The fact is, I was.
My roots are in the soil! But you were only there 2 days.
Mmm.
Well You don't forget a thing like that.
Mother, Why don't you let Oliver and me Try to work this out? Oh, all right, darling.
But as I said, If you want to move in with me, Just pack a bag and come right on over.
Don't even bother packing.
We'll buy a whole new wardrobe And charge it to him! For crying out loud, I don't see why everybody is carrying on so.
You knew I wanted a farm.
You must've known one day I'd buy one.
I never really thought you would.
Well, maybe not so soon, But that ad in the farm gazette Was so enticing.
And I figured, Well, as long as I'm in Chicago, I ought to run over to hooterville And have a look at it.
And Hootersville close to Chicago? Yeah, kind of.
You just have to change planes twice, And then you take the bus from the county seat Over to Pixley, and from Pixley, You take this little train, and there you are.
There you are Without me.
Lisa I know you'll love it.
It's got a farmhouse And a barn and trees And land that's just made for growing things.
Why don't you fill up a few pots And bring them back? Lisa You know how much this means to me, don't you? If I didn't, I'd move in with mother.
Try it for me, will you please? For how long? Just long enough to see whether or not You like it.
Hmm.
5 years.
Write me once in a while.
2? Doesn't have to be a letter.
A postcard.
Just so that I know you're all right.
You tell me how long.
One month.
One month is not enough to find out! 2.
9.
4.
6.
Well Please? All right.
6 months.
Darling Thank you.
DALY: It was a beautiful day When Lisa and Oliver drove into the hooterville valley.
There's where you'll do your shopping.
Let's go back.
Now, Lisa, you promised.
DALY: And he showed her Hooterville's other big attraction.
What was that? That's the Hooterville Cannonball.
Runs all through the valley here.
It's about the only way you can get anywhere.
I've got a great idea.
What? Let's go back.
Isn't this beautiful country? That's newt kiley's place over there.
He farms 80 acres.
And that's Ben Miller's up there.
Grows apples.
[sniffs.]
Mmm.
Smell that air.
[sniffs.]
Very nice.
No, no.
Take a deep breath.
[snorts.]
Mmm.
You never smelled air like that in the city.
No, I didn't.
What is that? [sniffs.]
Oh! That's Fred ziffel's.
He runs a pig farm.
He should run it in another direction.
You'll get used to it.
Never.
Wait till you see our farmhouse.
Oliver, why are we stopping here? Is there something wrong with the car? Nope.
You're going to ask for directions? No.
You mean that Welcome home.
Green acres That's what I'm gonna call it.
[whimpers.]
And that's how Oliver Wendell Douglas Bought a farm.
This is John Daly in New York.
Thank goodness.