Grosse Pointe Garden Society (2025) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
1
[WIND WHISTLING]
[OWL HOOTING]
[NATION OF LANGUAGE, "FORMER SELF"]
Hope ♪
♪
Away from you ♪
Ah ♪
[DIRT THUDDING]
Song ♪
[WIND WHISTLING]
♪
[LIGHT MUSIC]
[VOCALIZING]
♪
They say people look like their dogs.
[SIGHS]
But when you're in a garden club,
you're more like the flowers you plant.
Oh, Alice!
Those are going back
to the store, sweetie.
But we always do geraniums.
Well, if we want a shot at
winning back the cup this year,
we need to go more exotic.
[TALLY HALL'S "GOOD DAY"]
If I was a flower, I
think I'd be a geranium.
Sure, they might be boring in a garden,
but that's because they're
meant to run wild in a meadow.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah ♪
Let us sing ♪
The worst thing you
can do to a geranium?
Plant one where it doesn't belong,
because eventually someone
just walks all over it.
♪
[SIGHS]
Gosh, you should see this thing, Alice.
Coyote V-8 with dual Bilstein shocks.
Just ask her for the money.
It is the exact '68 Bronco
I restored with my dad.
If anybody owes you, it's your ex.
[LIGHT MUSIC]
Our landscaper, Brett, is a dandelion.
- Good thing about dandelions?
- Come on. Let's see Mommy.
They can grow just about anywhere.
They're built to survive
♪
Unless they catch
their wives pollinating
with another flower.
[PHONE RINGS]
Then they shrivel up, and
all that's left is a wish.
♪
I'm going to murder Marilyn.
[SCOFFS] Unless I get to her first.
She just told me to
plant twice as many tulips
because we're Dutch all of a
sudden and living in Holland.
Like I haven't had a plan in place.
I mean, who does she think worked
with the landscape
architect for three months?
- Not her.
- Not her.
This isn't some Vegas buffet
where you just stick the tacos
right next to the Chinese food.
Our vice president,
Catherine, is a zinnia.
♪
She is the hardest-working
flower in the garden.
♪
I thought you knew I knew ♪
But why ♪
[SIGHS]
And by and why ♪
And by and by ♪
Zinnias bloom heavily,
regardless of climate.
♪
All they ask for is a little
sunlight from their husband.
♪
But they seldom get what they need.
So we started in 1952
as housewives who just wanted an excuse
to get out and drink gimlets
before their husbands got home.
Love.
Oh, we've also won the
Southeastern Michigan
Gardening Cup ten
years in a row well,
until Bloomfield Hills cheated
with their genetically
engineered magnolias.
So what percentage would you
say is actual, like, gardening?
Most of it.
- Hmm.
- Why?
Because I'm more into the gimlet part.
[CHUCKLES]
Might, uh, want to wear the
old Louboutins next time.
Oh.
These are the old ones.
Our newest volunteer, Birdie,
is a classic lily of the valley.
Let us sing, let us sing ♪
Invasive, wild, and without boundaries.
Birds and bees and television ♪
They're notorious in Grosse Pointe
Many little silly rhymes ♪
Things forgotten lost their time ♪
Telephones and silly games ♪
- And extremely toxic
- [CACKLING]
To everything that gets in its path.
[SIREN WAILING]
- [TIRES SQUEALING]
- Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
♪
[SIREN WAILING]
Ugh.
Women like her don't
volunteer voluntarily.
Well, maybe she's, uh, got a real
appreciation for Mother Nature.
[GRUNTING]
I heard she got sentenced to, like,
a million hours of community service.
She did kill an innocent fountain.
Tennis club kicked her out too.
Oh, that's like getting
banned from church.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Mm.
Girl's getting eaten by her own.
[SIGHS]
This is not going to end well for her.
- [SIGHS]
- Eh.
What's the worst that could happen?
[WIND WHISTLING]
[NATION OF LANGUAGE, "FORMER SELF"]
Hope ♪
Here's what they don't tell you
when you join a garden club.
Once you mix a bunch of
different flowers together,
they all may look
perfect on the surface,
but you never really know
what's growing underneath.
So this isn't just a home, my friends.
It's a work of art.
Ooh, play, yeah ♪
Ooh, play ♪
See that?
You think shower, right?
Boom, steam room.
And in the closet, we
have all custom woodwork,
antique deco accents.
You'd think you're on Rodeo Drive
and not in the Midwest.
- Wow.
- Right this way.
And that's the $3.5 million tour.
[SIGHS] It's gorgeous.
Think it over.
It's going to go fast.
I don't even know ♪
Seems promising.
Never going to happen.
But I know one deal we can still close.
No, no, no ♪
No, no, no ♪
I don't even know ♪
No, no, no ♪
It's from France.
We should go to Paris.
Like, now?
Whenever.
You're not leaving your family.
Why not?
We work for your father-in-law.
So?
We could lose everything.
Maybe it'd be worth it.
We'd hurt a lot of people.
Hold that thought.
[SENTIMENTAL MUSIC]
[GASPS]
What's this for?
Every time your husband can't see
what makes you so special,
know there's someone who does.
[VOCALIZING]
♪
I hope you find your dog, Ms. Morris.
[BACKGROUND CHATTER]
♪
We all get older, but
the books stay the same.
That's why they're classics.
Hard to know with poetry, though.
What can I do for you, Mrs. Hollister?
I didn't totally understand
Peyton's grade on the final.
What about it?
How anyone could get a D on a poem?
"Watchin' all the snakes,
curvin' all the fakes.
Phone never on, I don't conversate.
I don't compromise,
I just penetrate."
It's beautiful.
It's a Kendrick Lamar song.
I'm sure he didn't know that.
The album won a Grammy
and a Pulitzer.
Peyton's having a
difficult time this year.
I'm sorry to hear that.
You know, with the whole
lacrosse hazing thing?
Wasn't he the hazer?
Two sides to every story.
Unfortunately, not in this case.
Let's be honest. [LAUGHS]
It's not like my son's going
to be the next poet laureate.
Peyton's smart enough to
do whatever he wants
if he follows the rules.
But aren't rules sort of subjective?
Kind of like poetry.
Now I don't understand.
Peyton's going to get into Michigan.
Not if he plagiarizes.
Where did you go to college?
Does it matter?
I just want to make sure that
you understand what's at stake.
[LIGHT MUSIC]
♪
[SIGHS]
[VOCALIZING]
♪
[SIGHS]
So you'll get the next one, babe.
I just thought I had a shot this time.
Should I make a salad?
- Uh, sure.
- Oh.
We don't have any lettuce.
I would have cooked.
I got stuck grading papers.
So is this another New York writing job?
Uh, yeah, third rejection this month.
Maybe the universe is
sending you a message.
What message is that, Patty?
She's a really good writer, Mom.
Of course she is.
Just those fancy jobs don't
go to the best writers.
Who do they go to?
It's all connections.
It's just like Grosse Pointe,
only here, we can help.
I'm still not joining the country club.
We're just saying, life doesn't
have to be such a struggle.
Well, it's kind of what artists do.
Mm-hmm.
They paint restaurant signs?
- Pays the rent, Dad.
- OK, stop.
Should we tell them?
I thought you wanted
to wait till dessert.
Tell us what?
Our rental property is available
at the end of the month.
Oh, wow!
Mm. Huh.
Um
This would be free.
And we'd be your neighbors.
See? Everybody wins.
Now, it's four bedrooms,
two and a half baths.
- We don't need that much space.
- A huge backyard.
Put a whole putting green back there.
- We don't golf.
- Or a trampoline.
- We don't jump.
- A swing set.
Not again, Mom.
Good schools.
It's just not the right time.
Grandma and Grandpa
would be just a hop, skip,
- and a jump away.
- That's right.
I'm not sure I want kids.
[PENSIVE MUSIC]
Yet.
Of course.
No pressure.
I'm just saying, there's a lot of things
I want to do before that.
I felt the same when I was your age.
So you get it?
The thing is,
dreamers don't get far.
They just get hurt.
Appreciate it.
So any news on your missing dog?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
[GULPING]
I think I have an image problem.
Could start by having
solid food for lunch.
Does everyone hate me?
I don't.
OK, but I pay you to lie.
This happens to a lot of clients.
Keep your head down, do
your community service
like the judge said
And then what?
Then we rebuild you from the ground up.
How?
By giving the world a
reason to like you again.
[SCOFFS] Yeah. How?
You into cleft palates?
I'm not against them.
Great.
We'll do a college scholarship.
For a kid with a cleft palate?
They're all the rage on social media.
This isn't about trying to trend.
No, it's about getting your life back.
What if it's not worth going back to?
My job's to control how you look, honey,
not how you feel.
Mm.
So why are we drinking here?
[CLEARS THROAT]
- I, uh, got some news today.
- Oh, my God.
Did Melissa give you money for the cars?
Oh, no, no, no. Not yet.
Oh, hey, if you're
trying to get me drunk,
I'm already there.
[CHUCKLES] Good.
[SIGHS]
Uh
some guys were putting in a, um
a sprinkler system at the Murphys,
you know, by the park.
OK.
They, uh they they found Molly.
Wait.
Where is she?
The Parks Department said they'd, um,
make whatever arrangements you wanted.
[SOBS] No.
I know.
[SOMBER MUSIC]
[SIGHS]
♪
So she got hit by a car or something?
[SNIFFLES] Attacked by an animal?
Just say it.
Um, someone
shot her.
[TENSE MUSIC]
My dog was murdered?
[SIGHS]
[SHOVELS CLANKING]
♪
Molly would smell this a mile away.
Every dog will smell
this, like police dogs!
Make her stop!
All right, lady, listen to me.
You're going to take all of that crazy,
and you are going to put it
someplace else, way down deep.
Can you please do that for me?
I don't want to go to jail.
That is not going to happen.
And how do you know?
When Marilyn was elected
president over me,
I had a mental health crisis, OK?
She drove her Range Rover
straight through the garden.
Did donuts in the peonies.
Yeah, and the tulips.
Point is, I barely knew these guys,
and they helped me replant everything.
We all have each other's backs.
First rule of garden club.
♪
Bleach.
You know, for the smell.
That's a good idea.
But what are we going to do about that?
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
As president of the garden society,
I'd like to call this meeting to order.
Let's start with a moment of silence
for our extended family member,
Alice's dear companion
of so many years, Molly.
Yeah.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Oh, hey, is it cool if we park
in the loading zone on Sunday?
I'm sure it's fine. Excuse me.
Can I sit there? Excuse me.
Why is this man trying to hold my hand?
Someone put a bullet in my dog.
Maybe it was, like, a
hunting accident or something.
Because it's golden retriever season?
It was point blank.
- Jesus.
- Shh.
Maybe they were trying
to send a message.
Who would do something that cruel?
Try any bitch in Junior League.
Amen.
OK, so, uh, let's talk Winter Gala.
[CLEARS THROAT]
OK, here's where we're at.
I've chosen night jasmine
for the boutonnieres and corsages.
[LIGHT APPLAUSE]
Oh, oh, that reminds me
Antonio needs to know how many tuxedos
to donate for the croupiers.
- Ten, one per table.
- OK.
Ooh, and Village
Chocolates is going to do
these cute little truffles
in the shape of poker chips.
I ran into Nancy at
pickleball this morning,
and she offered to do dice cake pops.
Oh!
Are we doing a poker theme?
Monaco.
Oh.
Very chic, very elegant, very 007.
Oh, Sandra, we still
need a limo service.
So can you ask your brother
You want people to go, right?
We plan on topping last
year's fundraiser goal.
Not with poker night, you won't.
- Monaco.
- Whatever.
I'm just saying, I've
been to, like, 5 billion
poker night charity things.
Do you have a better idea?
What about something like
Hot Rocks and Frocks?
Oh, what's that?
We partner with Tiffany's,
get them to design a special pendant
in the shape of a flower
because, you know, it's a garden club
Oh, we could play the entire
Rolling Stones "Hot Rocks" album.
- [GASPS]
- Yes!
And maybe we dress like '80s Euro Brits.
Like, wear leather jackets.
- [EXCITED CHATTER]
- Totally! Yes!
Ugh, it would be so rad.
And who wouldn't want to
go to that event, right?
OK, everyone, everyone, calm down.
That is so sweet, but we are very much
down the road on Monaco, so
Then why'd you ask if
I have anything better?
For next year.
Oh, OK.
You're one of those.
- Excuse me?
- Can't control your own life,
so you join a club like this
to control everyone else's.
[GASPS]
[CHUCKLES] OK.
Going forward, if you guys could please
raise your hands before speaking,
I think we would get way more done.
All right, moving on.
Does anyone have any ideas for venue?
Oh.
[TENSE MUSIC]
Hey! Hey!
Hold up.
Forget it, OK?
Poker night is fine.
No, no, no.
Where'd you get that bracelet?
Oh. It was a gift.
From who?
Some guy.
What's his name?
Get off my jock.
Just tell me his name.
[SCOFFS]
There he goes.
[SOMBER MUSIC]
♪
He's, um hmm
he's my colleague.
It's just some appointment D.
He's married.
OK.
What, are you a morality cop?
You know, just because you
can have anything you want
doesn't mean you should.
[POP MUSIC]
She's so sweet ♪
That's what they say about me ♪
She's so sweet ♪
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You're mine for two more minutes.
Mm, a little like me ♪
That's what I like to believe ♪
I want to see Mommy.
You will, baby.
Mm ♪
Can I see Mommy now?
Yep, let's go.
[HORN HONKING]
Hey. Nice, buddy.
- Remember to snap your wrist.
- Great throw, though.
But snap your wrist if
you want to make it spiral.
OK, so these are for your house.
They are all washed and
folded and ready to go.
What was wrong with all the
plaid ones they made us buy?
Oh, we already took care of that.
Oh, no. I'll Venmo you.
Oh, don't be silly.
By the way, we need
to swap days this week.
Uh, what for?
Well, Connor's going to
speak at Zach's Career Day,
and we just want to be
able to take the kids
out for dinner afterwards.
Just thought I'd jump on
that grenade for you, pal.
Well, I I could do
it. I could do Career Day.
- Uh, we already signed up.
- Yeah.
Then you wouldn't have to switch days.
Oh, don't be silly.
Would you quit saying that?
I'm not a child.
Uh,
I mean, you are the one that always says
that working at the garden
center isn't a career.
Well, I I am the manager.
But it's not exactly
what you aspired to be.
Fine, but the only reason I'm doing it
is because you boned me on our deal
when you started boning him.
What deal?
We kind of agreed
Promised, Melissa.
That he would put me through law school
and take care of the family, and then
when I got a job, it would be his turn.
And I finally have some opportunities
to get my car restoration
business off the ground.
So what? This is a shakedown?
We had an agreement.
[SIGHS] Unfortunately, an agreement's
not the same as a contract, Brett.
[CHILDREN SHOUTING]
- Oh, I got it!
- I got it!
[ARGUING]
- No, mine!
- What?
Aw. OK.
You see what your dad did there?
You gotta snap your wrist, Dad.
[VOCALIZING]
[SIGHS]
[LIGHT MUSIC]
You guys must think I'm total garbage.
Hey.
No one's judging.
He wanted to blend our families.
Stepdads can be real buttholes.
Just, none of this makes any sense.
That's why you need to talk to him.
[SIGHS]
[BREATHES DEEPLY] OK.
Uh, maybe now is not the best time.
[LAUGHS]
- Ugh.
- It's a different grind ♪
Of a different kind ♪
I never met a magnet ♪
That changed its mind ♪
Read between the times ♪
And decide the crime ♪
I'm a real rich bitch ♪
Three dollars, six dimes, uh ♪
And I think I'm having premonitions ♪
Fire rings ♪
What's a breeze to a sunspot? ♪
Tighten up your circle ♪
Call me when you get this ♪
Take your own advice ♪
If the miss is on your wish list ♪
It's a different grind ♪
Of a different kind ♪
I never met a magnet ♪
That changed its mind ♪
Read between the times ♪
And decide the crime ♪
I'm a real rich bitch ♪
Three dollars, six dimes ♪
It's better not to know ♪
Than to know it ain't so ♪
No, go, not the G-O ♪
A whammy in the O ♪
Oh, oh, know it ain't so ♪
No, go, not the G-O ♪
A whammy in the O ♪
[THE GO! TEAM'S "WHAMMY-O"]
♪
It's a different grind ♪
Of a different kind ♪
I never met a magnet ♪
That changed its mind ♪
No, go, not the G-O ♪
A whammy in the O ♪
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
Get the gas.
OK.
- Oh, God.
- Soak the interior.
Got it.
- You're going to smell!
- Better gas than blood!
Crack the window so there's
oxygen to feed the fire.
OK.
How many cars have you torched?
Uh, what are you doing?
I'm stressed out!
Oh.
[MUSIC RINGTONE PLAYING]
- Oh.
- Huh.
- [GROANS]
- [SIGHS]
You were supposed to hang on to it!
Why can't it just burn?
Because they can still track it!
This is crazy.
Brett, don't.
Brett!
[LIGHT MUSIC]
Hey, honey. When did
you lose your tooth?
It fell out at Mommy's.
Huh.
Whoo!
Want to buy Daddy one of those
with your tooth fairy money?
Connor already put it in her 529 plan.
What?
That's lame!
Mom said he's the smartest.
We should listen to him.
Oh, yeah?
Well, Connor doesn't know everything.
[TIRES SQUEALING]
[CHILDREN GIGGLING AND CHEERING]
BOTH: Whoo!
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
Your house is fab.
Thanks.
He got all the furniture.
Huh.
Why don't you buy more?
Keep thinking I'll sell.
Well, uh, we both know a great realtor.
[LAUGHS] Oh.
That makes so much more sense.
Yeah.
[SIGHS]
You were right about me.
I'm an even bigger mess.
At least you're not
cheating on your husband.
Why don't you leave him?
It's not that easy.
Gets easier with practice. Trust me.
I've got kids.
Yeah, but how could you live like that?
I've got kids.
I don't understand.
They are what keep me from
driving my car into a fountain.
[PENSIVE MUSIC]
♪
How come guys like Gary always think
they can get away with it?
Because they always do.
Maybe they shouldn't.
Yeah, the original '67 had
problems with overheating,
so it was known as "The Turd."
I bought a piece of junk?
Uh-uh, opposite.
Carroll Shelby redesigned the chassis
to shoehorn in a water-cooled 427.
This thing is a beast.
I need to pee.
One sec, baby.
But you just got to know
some of Shelby's old tricks.
[GRUNTS]
[ENGINE TURNS OVER]
- Yay, Daddy!
- Wow! Awesome!
- [CHUCKLING]
- [ENGINE REVS]
[SIGHS]
[ENGINE TURNS OFF]
I'm sure Connor knew all that, right?
I have no idea who Connor is,
but I really appreciate this.
- Ah.
- Can we get lunch now?
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, hold on.
- Oh, my pleasure, man.
- Come on.
There's got to be some
way I can thank you.
[CURIOUS MUSIC]
♪
Hey, Ms. Morris, you,
uh you got a second?
Your mom send you?
She's a lot, right?
Comes from a good place.
Yeah.
So there was a reason I did what I did.
It was easier?
The song moved me.
It's not honest, Peyton.
All right.
Well, long as we're being honest,
why'd you really give me the D?
The D is for Disappointment.
D is for Dick.
- We both know it.
- Excuse me?
You just think that I'm a dick,
which I guess a lot of
people would agree with
That's not true.
Look.
You got to be careful when
you make things personal.
What is that supposed to mean?
You know
karma and stuff.
[UNSETTLING MUSIC]
How's that for honest?
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]
OK.
Here.
Hold still.
It's like school pictures.
Minus the emo bangs.
[CHUCKLES]
[SIGHS]
Wait a minute.
There's a leaf.
Jingle bells ♪
Jingle bells ♪
We should go down to the railyard.
To smash it on the tracks?
To put it on a freight
train so it seems,
you know, like its owner is still alive.
Yeah, it could buy us some time.
Until the cops find it
somewhere in South Dakota
and know dumbasses like
us tried to ditch it.
Fine, then a passenger train
like it was accidentally dropped.
Who's going to buy that ticket
in front of all the cameras?
Any decisions?
Uh, we'll take a round of Coneys.
- Who eats chili dogs for breakfast?
- We do.
So so there's a receipt?
Oh, like an alibi.
Mm-hmm.
Wait, where's the phone?
And where's Birdie?
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
[ENGINE TURNS OVER]
I don't think she gets the
first rule of garden club.
[LIGHT MUSIC]
♪
- Mm.
- How's that scone?
Mmm. Dope.
So did your guidance
counselor explain everything?
Mm, not really, no.
Oh, OK. Uh
[CLEARS THROAT] Well,
first off, congrats.
You're the very first recipient
of the Birdie Bradley scholarship
for, you know, achievements.
Dope.
You'll get a full ride to
the college of your choosing.
Dope.
Do you have any questions?
Uh, no, but thank you.
Oh, uh, do you want another scone?
Or they have really
great hot chocolate here.
[LAUGHS]
Can I ask you something?
Sure.
Did you talk to Victoria
Farber about this, uh, thing?
- Who who is she?
- Only the smartest nerd in our whole school.
Will probably invent
the cure to, like, asthma
or poverty or something.
She sounds boring.
Yeah.
Well, she's a better investment than me.
All right, real talk?
I'm just trying to keep a kid like you
from making the same
bad decisions I did.
Like what?
I went to Daytona for spring break.
OK, yeah, but, I mean,
everyone from my school goes there.
In a stolen ice cream truck?
Also got pregnant in 10th grade.
Yeah, well, I'm not dating anyone.
Neither was I.
I still don't get why you picked me.
[SIGHS]
Because the Victoria
Farbers of the world,
they are always going
to get what they want.
Now it's your turn.
Dope.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
- He is rude, disrespectful
- Yeah.
That little brat's had it out for me
since he started my class.
Doesn't mean he's a dog killer.
I have, what, a couple hundred students
coming through my room every year,
and for the most part,
they're all just regular kids.
But every now and then
and you know this, Dave
you get a Peyton.
This is the kid who
duct taped a freshman
to the lacrosse goalpost.
- Attempted murder!
- Fits the profile. Yeah.
Which is why you got to expel him.
I can't.
Well, he can't just get away with it.
With parents like his, he can.
He shot Molly, Dave.
It wasn't the county that
paid for a new lacrosse field.
Oh, come on, that's so gross!
Or our new auditorium.
Do you hear yourself?
Or the robotics lab.
You are the principal!
I'm really sorry about Molly,
but we work for them, Alice.
They don't have to play by the rules.
[SCOFFS]
[PENSIVE MUSIC]
♪
[SIGHS] Almost showtime.
Still got 20 minutes.
And what will we do with the other 18?
Use them to focus on you.
And what about Birdie Bradley?
Who?
Girl you bought the
exact same bracelet for?
[SIGHS] You and I were on a break.
I can't just be some accessory to you,
like that fridge.
You're a sub-zero, babe.
Those last forever.
[BIG BOSS VETTE'S "PRETTY GIRLS WALK"]
♪
Not here.
For old times' sake?
Gotta pee.
Meet you there.
All the pretty girls walk like this ♪
This, this, this ♪
Gotta know the secret password,
or else I won't let you in!
This, this, this ♪
What's the password, Gary?
Jesus!
Ron?
Ours was blowfish.
Ours too.
Blowfish, babe.
I want you out of your office
and my daughter's house tonight.
Your clothes are on the front lawn.
All the pretty girls walk like ♪
Martha Stewart,
Mike "the Situation" Sorrentino,
Ja Rule, country great Willie Nelson
what do they have in common?
They all needed [CLICKS TONGUE]
A tax lawyer.
Yeah.
So it's not all W-2s
and 1099s, my friends.
If you play your cards
right, you just might get
an opportunity to save one
of your heroes from Uncle Sam.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[COUGHING]
[BRIAN ENO & JOHN
CALE'S "SPINNING AWAY"]
♪
You can't compete with
a mom who owns a bakery.
Yeah, I should have brought cupcakes.
Dad!
Mm, mm, mm ♪
Up on a hill ♪
Hey, buddy.
Hi.
- Sweet!
- Wow!
What's that?
Fastest production
car for over 50 years.
Get it above 5,000 RPMs,
this thing's a fighter jet.
What's an RPM?
Revolutions per minute.
That's right.
This is my dad.
Who wants to fire it up?
ALL: Me!
[CHILDREN CHATTERING]
In the violet sky ♪
[WHIRRING]
I rethought the grade.
What?
You're right.
Poetry is subjective.
I'm glad you see it that way.
Math, science, English
none of those make you a good person.
So he's not getting a D?
- No.
- Wonderful.
He's getting an F.
For what?
Because you failed him as a parent.
What is your problem, lady?
Peyton is just like every other
spoiled rich kid in this town.
He's a good kid who works his ass off.
When he doesn't get his way,
the rest of us pay the price.
You don't know a thing about my son!
Your son killed my dog.
[PENSIVE MUSIC]
♪
[WHIRRING]
♪
You're the author, right?
Oh, uh, it's just a little Easter egg
I like to leave behind for my fans.
I'm not one of them.
Oh.
Too much sex or too little?
Because my publisher
Stay away from my son.
Uh
I just wanted to help.
Look, we'll take the money.
I thought you might.
But you agreed to no contact.
My parents did.
I know women like you
don't normally hear no.
I was 16.
But this is not a road
you want to go down.
He doesn't know he's adopted, does he?
Is, uh, everything OK here?
Oh, my God, this is crazy.
I'm the author, OK?
I'm the father.
We're done here.
This lady's writing in the books.
I'll just pay for these.
So where are you going?
Have you seen my blue bike shorts?
The hotel's got a fitness center.
- Where?
- Dubai.
OK, no.
You promised Dakota you would help him
with his Pinewood Derby car.
Tools are in the basement.
I'm not a Boy Scout.
Owning a global security
firm means I gotta be global.
Addie's parent-teacher
conferences are Tuesday.
Then go be the parent at the school
that I have to go to Dubai to pay for.
OK?
[PERFUME GENIUS & EMPRESS
OF'S "WHEN I'M WITH HIM"]
♪
You found me lost ♪
Loved me like a desert rain ♪
I tried, I fought ♪
But I just don't feel the same ♪
I feel possessed ♪
I speak but can't express ♪
I lay in bed ♪
Replaying life we once lived ♪
Dime dónde voy ♪
Dime dónde fui ♪
I'm going back and forth
like branches in the breeze ♪
♪
I feel like I'm the
outside looking in ♪
When I'm with him ♪
I don't know how to love now ♪
I pretend ♪
When I'm with him ♪
Yeah, finances, the lease records,
whatever dirt you can dig up.
Well, I'm going to need
a lot to take the kids.
I feel possessed ♪
I can't help but repress ♪
All of the signs ♪
Telling me I'm not fine ♪
Good morning, everyone.
Hope you, uh, slept off
all that donated champagne.
[ALL CHUCKLING]
So Monaco Under the Stars
was the biggest success
in the history of the Garden Society.
I guess Lady Luck was on our side.
So let's take a look
at how we're going to use the proceeds.
- Where have you been?
- Don't worry about it.
I'm going to worry. I have kids.
What did you do with the phone?
Our hands full with the koi pond.
- Koi pond?
- Yeah.
It's going to double
as a reflecting pool,
which will make us a shoo-in
for next season's cup.
What about the garden?
We'll have to dig it up.
Uh, how much?
All of it.
[GASPS]
Come on, I'll show you.
[PENSIVE MUSIC]
[BACKGROUND CHATTER]
♪
Here's what you learn
when you plant a garden.
[DISTORTED MUSIC]
I don't want to go to jail.
♪
All that beauty is
just a happy accident,
a random mix of insects rotting
and compost decaying.
♪
So to make a garden grow,
something has to die.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[VOCALIZING]
[WIND WHISTLING]
[OWL HOOTING]
[NATION OF LANGUAGE, "FORMER SELF"]
Hope ♪
♪
Away from you ♪
Ah ♪
[DIRT THUDDING]
Song ♪
[WIND WHISTLING]
♪
[LIGHT MUSIC]
[VOCALIZING]
♪
They say people look like their dogs.
[SIGHS]
But when you're in a garden club,
you're more like the flowers you plant.
Oh, Alice!
Those are going back
to the store, sweetie.
But we always do geraniums.
Well, if we want a shot at
winning back the cup this year,
we need to go more exotic.
[TALLY HALL'S "GOOD DAY"]
If I was a flower, I
think I'd be a geranium.
Sure, they might be boring in a garden,
but that's because they're
meant to run wild in a meadow.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah ♪
Let us sing ♪
The worst thing you
can do to a geranium?
Plant one where it doesn't belong,
because eventually someone
just walks all over it.
♪
[SIGHS]
Gosh, you should see this thing, Alice.
Coyote V-8 with dual Bilstein shocks.
Just ask her for the money.
It is the exact '68 Bronco
I restored with my dad.
If anybody owes you, it's your ex.
[LIGHT MUSIC]
Our landscaper, Brett, is a dandelion.
- Good thing about dandelions?
- Come on. Let's see Mommy.
They can grow just about anywhere.
They're built to survive
♪
Unless they catch
their wives pollinating
with another flower.
[PHONE RINGS]
Then they shrivel up, and
all that's left is a wish.
♪
I'm going to murder Marilyn.
[SCOFFS] Unless I get to her first.
She just told me to
plant twice as many tulips
because we're Dutch all of a
sudden and living in Holland.
Like I haven't had a plan in place.
I mean, who does she think worked
with the landscape
architect for three months?
- Not her.
- Not her.
This isn't some Vegas buffet
where you just stick the tacos
right next to the Chinese food.
Our vice president,
Catherine, is a zinnia.
♪
She is the hardest-working
flower in the garden.
♪
I thought you knew I knew ♪
But why ♪
[SIGHS]
And by and why ♪
And by and by ♪
Zinnias bloom heavily,
regardless of climate.
♪
All they ask for is a little
sunlight from their husband.
♪
But they seldom get what they need.
So we started in 1952
as housewives who just wanted an excuse
to get out and drink gimlets
before their husbands got home.
Love.
Oh, we've also won the
Southeastern Michigan
Gardening Cup ten
years in a row well,
until Bloomfield Hills cheated
with their genetically
engineered magnolias.
So what percentage would you
say is actual, like, gardening?
Most of it.
- Hmm.
- Why?
Because I'm more into the gimlet part.
[CHUCKLES]
Might, uh, want to wear the
old Louboutins next time.
Oh.
These are the old ones.
Our newest volunteer, Birdie,
is a classic lily of the valley.
Let us sing, let us sing ♪
Invasive, wild, and without boundaries.
Birds and bees and television ♪
They're notorious in Grosse Pointe
Many little silly rhymes ♪
Things forgotten lost their time ♪
Telephones and silly games ♪
- And extremely toxic
- [CACKLING]
To everything that gets in its path.
[SIREN WAILING]
- [TIRES SQUEALING]
- Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
♪
[SIREN WAILING]
Ugh.
Women like her don't
volunteer voluntarily.
Well, maybe she's, uh, got a real
appreciation for Mother Nature.
[GRUNTING]
I heard she got sentenced to, like,
a million hours of community service.
She did kill an innocent fountain.
Tennis club kicked her out too.
Oh, that's like getting
banned from church.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Mm.
Girl's getting eaten by her own.
[SIGHS]
This is not going to end well for her.
- [SIGHS]
- Eh.
What's the worst that could happen?
[WIND WHISTLING]
[NATION OF LANGUAGE, "FORMER SELF"]
Hope ♪
Here's what they don't tell you
when you join a garden club.
Once you mix a bunch of
different flowers together,
they all may look
perfect on the surface,
but you never really know
what's growing underneath.
So this isn't just a home, my friends.
It's a work of art.
Ooh, play, yeah ♪
Ooh, play ♪
See that?
You think shower, right?
Boom, steam room.
And in the closet, we
have all custom woodwork,
antique deco accents.
You'd think you're on Rodeo Drive
and not in the Midwest.
- Wow.
- Right this way.
And that's the $3.5 million tour.
[SIGHS] It's gorgeous.
Think it over.
It's going to go fast.
I don't even know ♪
Seems promising.
Never going to happen.
But I know one deal we can still close.
No, no, no ♪
No, no, no ♪
I don't even know ♪
No, no, no ♪
It's from France.
We should go to Paris.
Like, now?
Whenever.
You're not leaving your family.
Why not?
We work for your father-in-law.
So?
We could lose everything.
Maybe it'd be worth it.
We'd hurt a lot of people.
Hold that thought.
[SENTIMENTAL MUSIC]
[GASPS]
What's this for?
Every time your husband can't see
what makes you so special,
know there's someone who does.
[VOCALIZING]
♪
I hope you find your dog, Ms. Morris.
[BACKGROUND CHATTER]
♪
We all get older, but
the books stay the same.
That's why they're classics.
Hard to know with poetry, though.
What can I do for you, Mrs. Hollister?
I didn't totally understand
Peyton's grade on the final.
What about it?
How anyone could get a D on a poem?
"Watchin' all the snakes,
curvin' all the fakes.
Phone never on, I don't conversate.
I don't compromise,
I just penetrate."
It's beautiful.
It's a Kendrick Lamar song.
I'm sure he didn't know that.
The album won a Grammy
and a Pulitzer.
Peyton's having a
difficult time this year.
I'm sorry to hear that.
You know, with the whole
lacrosse hazing thing?
Wasn't he the hazer?
Two sides to every story.
Unfortunately, not in this case.
Let's be honest. [LAUGHS]
It's not like my son's going
to be the next poet laureate.
Peyton's smart enough to
do whatever he wants
if he follows the rules.
But aren't rules sort of subjective?
Kind of like poetry.
Now I don't understand.
Peyton's going to get into Michigan.
Not if he plagiarizes.
Where did you go to college?
Does it matter?
I just want to make sure that
you understand what's at stake.
[LIGHT MUSIC]
♪
[SIGHS]
[VOCALIZING]
♪
[SIGHS]
So you'll get the next one, babe.
I just thought I had a shot this time.
Should I make a salad?
- Uh, sure.
- Oh.
We don't have any lettuce.
I would have cooked.
I got stuck grading papers.
So is this another New York writing job?
Uh, yeah, third rejection this month.
Maybe the universe is
sending you a message.
What message is that, Patty?
She's a really good writer, Mom.
Of course she is.
Just those fancy jobs don't
go to the best writers.
Who do they go to?
It's all connections.
It's just like Grosse Pointe,
only here, we can help.
I'm still not joining the country club.
We're just saying, life doesn't
have to be such a struggle.
Well, it's kind of what artists do.
Mm-hmm.
They paint restaurant signs?
- Pays the rent, Dad.
- OK, stop.
Should we tell them?
I thought you wanted
to wait till dessert.
Tell us what?
Our rental property is available
at the end of the month.
Oh, wow!
Mm. Huh.
Um
This would be free.
And we'd be your neighbors.
See? Everybody wins.
Now, it's four bedrooms,
two and a half baths.
- We don't need that much space.
- A huge backyard.
Put a whole putting green back there.
- We don't golf.
- Or a trampoline.
- We don't jump.
- A swing set.
Not again, Mom.
Good schools.
It's just not the right time.
Grandma and Grandpa
would be just a hop, skip,
- and a jump away.
- That's right.
I'm not sure I want kids.
[PENSIVE MUSIC]
Yet.
Of course.
No pressure.
I'm just saying, there's a lot of things
I want to do before that.
I felt the same when I was your age.
So you get it?
The thing is,
dreamers don't get far.
They just get hurt.
Appreciate it.
So any news on your missing dog?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
[GULPING]
I think I have an image problem.
Could start by having
solid food for lunch.
Does everyone hate me?
I don't.
OK, but I pay you to lie.
This happens to a lot of clients.
Keep your head down, do
your community service
like the judge said
And then what?
Then we rebuild you from the ground up.
How?
By giving the world a
reason to like you again.
[SCOFFS] Yeah. How?
You into cleft palates?
I'm not against them.
Great.
We'll do a college scholarship.
For a kid with a cleft palate?
They're all the rage on social media.
This isn't about trying to trend.
No, it's about getting your life back.
What if it's not worth going back to?
My job's to control how you look, honey,
not how you feel.
Mm.
So why are we drinking here?
[CLEARS THROAT]
- I, uh, got some news today.
- Oh, my God.
Did Melissa give you money for the cars?
Oh, no, no, no. Not yet.
Oh, hey, if you're
trying to get me drunk,
I'm already there.
[CHUCKLES] Good.
[SIGHS]
Uh
some guys were putting in a, um
a sprinkler system at the Murphys,
you know, by the park.
OK.
They, uh they they found Molly.
Wait.
Where is she?
The Parks Department said they'd, um,
make whatever arrangements you wanted.
[SOBS] No.
I know.
[SOMBER MUSIC]
[SIGHS]
♪
So she got hit by a car or something?
[SNIFFLES] Attacked by an animal?
Just say it.
Um, someone
shot her.
[TENSE MUSIC]
My dog was murdered?
[SIGHS]
[SHOVELS CLANKING]
♪
Molly would smell this a mile away.
Every dog will smell
this, like police dogs!
Make her stop!
All right, lady, listen to me.
You're going to take all of that crazy,
and you are going to put it
someplace else, way down deep.
Can you please do that for me?
I don't want to go to jail.
That is not going to happen.
And how do you know?
When Marilyn was elected
president over me,
I had a mental health crisis, OK?
She drove her Range Rover
straight through the garden.
Did donuts in the peonies.
Yeah, and the tulips.
Point is, I barely knew these guys,
and they helped me replant everything.
We all have each other's backs.
First rule of garden club.
♪
Bleach.
You know, for the smell.
That's a good idea.
But what are we going to do about that?
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
As president of the garden society,
I'd like to call this meeting to order.
Let's start with a moment of silence
for our extended family member,
Alice's dear companion
of so many years, Molly.
Yeah.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Oh, hey, is it cool if we park
in the loading zone on Sunday?
I'm sure it's fine. Excuse me.
Can I sit there? Excuse me.
Why is this man trying to hold my hand?
Someone put a bullet in my dog.
Maybe it was, like, a
hunting accident or something.
Because it's golden retriever season?
It was point blank.
- Jesus.
- Shh.
Maybe they were trying
to send a message.
Who would do something that cruel?
Try any bitch in Junior League.
Amen.
OK, so, uh, let's talk Winter Gala.
[CLEARS THROAT]
OK, here's where we're at.
I've chosen night jasmine
for the boutonnieres and corsages.
[LIGHT APPLAUSE]
Oh, oh, that reminds me
Antonio needs to know how many tuxedos
to donate for the croupiers.
- Ten, one per table.
- OK.
Ooh, and Village
Chocolates is going to do
these cute little truffles
in the shape of poker chips.
I ran into Nancy at
pickleball this morning,
and she offered to do dice cake pops.
Oh!
Are we doing a poker theme?
Monaco.
Oh.
Very chic, very elegant, very 007.
Oh, Sandra, we still
need a limo service.
So can you ask your brother
You want people to go, right?
We plan on topping last
year's fundraiser goal.
Not with poker night, you won't.
- Monaco.
- Whatever.
I'm just saying, I've
been to, like, 5 billion
poker night charity things.
Do you have a better idea?
What about something like
Hot Rocks and Frocks?
Oh, what's that?
We partner with Tiffany's,
get them to design a special pendant
in the shape of a flower
because, you know, it's a garden club
Oh, we could play the entire
Rolling Stones "Hot Rocks" album.
- [GASPS]
- Yes!
And maybe we dress like '80s Euro Brits.
Like, wear leather jackets.
- [EXCITED CHATTER]
- Totally! Yes!
Ugh, it would be so rad.
And who wouldn't want to
go to that event, right?
OK, everyone, everyone, calm down.
That is so sweet, but we are very much
down the road on Monaco, so
Then why'd you ask if
I have anything better?
For next year.
Oh, OK.
You're one of those.
- Excuse me?
- Can't control your own life,
so you join a club like this
to control everyone else's.
[GASPS]
[CHUCKLES] OK.
Going forward, if you guys could please
raise your hands before speaking,
I think we would get way more done.
All right, moving on.
Does anyone have any ideas for venue?
Oh.
[TENSE MUSIC]
Hey! Hey!
Hold up.
Forget it, OK?
Poker night is fine.
No, no, no.
Where'd you get that bracelet?
Oh. It was a gift.
From who?
Some guy.
What's his name?
Get off my jock.
Just tell me his name.
[SCOFFS]
There he goes.
[SOMBER MUSIC]
♪
He's, um hmm
he's my colleague.
It's just some appointment D.
He's married.
OK.
What, are you a morality cop?
You know, just because you
can have anything you want
doesn't mean you should.
[POP MUSIC]
She's so sweet ♪
That's what they say about me ♪
She's so sweet ♪
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You're mine for two more minutes.
Mm, a little like me ♪
That's what I like to believe ♪
I want to see Mommy.
You will, baby.
Mm ♪
Can I see Mommy now?
Yep, let's go.
[HORN HONKING]
Hey. Nice, buddy.
- Remember to snap your wrist.
- Great throw, though.
But snap your wrist if
you want to make it spiral.
OK, so these are for your house.
They are all washed and
folded and ready to go.
What was wrong with all the
plaid ones they made us buy?
Oh, we already took care of that.
Oh, no. I'll Venmo you.
Oh, don't be silly.
By the way, we need
to swap days this week.
Uh, what for?
Well, Connor's going to
speak at Zach's Career Day,
and we just want to be
able to take the kids
out for dinner afterwards.
Just thought I'd jump on
that grenade for you, pal.
Well, I I could do
it. I could do Career Day.
- Uh, we already signed up.
- Yeah.
Then you wouldn't have to switch days.
Oh, don't be silly.
Would you quit saying that?
I'm not a child.
Uh,
I mean, you are the one that always says
that working at the garden
center isn't a career.
Well, I I am the manager.
But it's not exactly
what you aspired to be.
Fine, but the only reason I'm doing it
is because you boned me on our deal
when you started boning him.
What deal?
We kind of agreed
Promised, Melissa.
That he would put me through law school
and take care of the family, and then
when I got a job, it would be his turn.
And I finally have some opportunities
to get my car restoration
business off the ground.
So what? This is a shakedown?
We had an agreement.
[SIGHS] Unfortunately, an agreement's
not the same as a contract, Brett.
[CHILDREN SHOUTING]
- Oh, I got it!
- I got it!
[ARGUING]
- No, mine!
- What?
Aw. OK.
You see what your dad did there?
You gotta snap your wrist, Dad.
[VOCALIZING]
[SIGHS]
[LIGHT MUSIC]
You guys must think I'm total garbage.
Hey.
No one's judging.
He wanted to blend our families.
Stepdads can be real buttholes.
Just, none of this makes any sense.
That's why you need to talk to him.
[SIGHS]
[BREATHES DEEPLY] OK.
Uh, maybe now is not the best time.
[LAUGHS]
- Ugh.
- It's a different grind ♪
Of a different kind ♪
I never met a magnet ♪
That changed its mind ♪
Read between the times ♪
And decide the crime ♪
I'm a real rich bitch ♪
Three dollars, six dimes, uh ♪
And I think I'm having premonitions ♪
Fire rings ♪
What's a breeze to a sunspot? ♪
Tighten up your circle ♪
Call me when you get this ♪
Take your own advice ♪
If the miss is on your wish list ♪
It's a different grind ♪
Of a different kind ♪
I never met a magnet ♪
That changed its mind ♪
Read between the times ♪
And decide the crime ♪
I'm a real rich bitch ♪
Three dollars, six dimes ♪
It's better not to know ♪
Than to know it ain't so ♪
No, go, not the G-O ♪
A whammy in the O ♪
Oh, oh, know it ain't so ♪
No, go, not the G-O ♪
A whammy in the O ♪
[THE GO! TEAM'S "WHAMMY-O"]
♪
It's a different grind ♪
Of a different kind ♪
I never met a magnet ♪
That changed its mind ♪
No, go, not the G-O ♪
A whammy in the O ♪
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
Get the gas.
OK.
- Oh, God.
- Soak the interior.
Got it.
- You're going to smell!
- Better gas than blood!
Crack the window so there's
oxygen to feed the fire.
OK.
How many cars have you torched?
Uh, what are you doing?
I'm stressed out!
Oh.
[MUSIC RINGTONE PLAYING]
- Oh.
- Huh.
- [GROANS]
- [SIGHS]
You were supposed to hang on to it!
Why can't it just burn?
Because they can still track it!
This is crazy.
Brett, don't.
Brett!
[LIGHT MUSIC]
Hey, honey. When did
you lose your tooth?
It fell out at Mommy's.
Huh.
Whoo!
Want to buy Daddy one of those
with your tooth fairy money?
Connor already put it in her 529 plan.
What?
That's lame!
Mom said he's the smartest.
We should listen to him.
Oh, yeah?
Well, Connor doesn't know everything.
[TIRES SQUEALING]
[CHILDREN GIGGLING AND CHEERING]
BOTH: Whoo!
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
Your house is fab.
Thanks.
He got all the furniture.
Huh.
Why don't you buy more?
Keep thinking I'll sell.
Well, uh, we both know a great realtor.
[LAUGHS] Oh.
That makes so much more sense.
Yeah.
[SIGHS]
You were right about me.
I'm an even bigger mess.
At least you're not
cheating on your husband.
Why don't you leave him?
It's not that easy.
Gets easier with practice. Trust me.
I've got kids.
Yeah, but how could you live like that?
I've got kids.
I don't understand.
They are what keep me from
driving my car into a fountain.
[PENSIVE MUSIC]
♪
How come guys like Gary always think
they can get away with it?
Because they always do.
Maybe they shouldn't.
Yeah, the original '67 had
problems with overheating,
so it was known as "The Turd."
I bought a piece of junk?
Uh-uh, opposite.
Carroll Shelby redesigned the chassis
to shoehorn in a water-cooled 427.
This thing is a beast.
I need to pee.
One sec, baby.
But you just got to know
some of Shelby's old tricks.
[GRUNTS]
[ENGINE TURNS OVER]
- Yay, Daddy!
- Wow! Awesome!
- [CHUCKLING]
- [ENGINE REVS]
[SIGHS]
[ENGINE TURNS OFF]
I'm sure Connor knew all that, right?
I have no idea who Connor is,
but I really appreciate this.
- Ah.
- Can we get lunch now?
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, hold on.
- Oh, my pleasure, man.
- Come on.
There's got to be some
way I can thank you.
[CURIOUS MUSIC]
♪
Hey, Ms. Morris, you,
uh you got a second?
Your mom send you?
She's a lot, right?
Comes from a good place.
Yeah.
So there was a reason I did what I did.
It was easier?
The song moved me.
It's not honest, Peyton.
All right.
Well, long as we're being honest,
why'd you really give me the D?
The D is for Disappointment.
D is for Dick.
- We both know it.
- Excuse me?
You just think that I'm a dick,
which I guess a lot of
people would agree with
That's not true.
Look.
You got to be careful when
you make things personal.
What is that supposed to mean?
You know
karma and stuff.
[UNSETTLING MUSIC]
How's that for honest?
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]
OK.
Here.
Hold still.
It's like school pictures.
Minus the emo bangs.
[CHUCKLES]
[SIGHS]
Wait a minute.
There's a leaf.
Jingle bells ♪
Jingle bells ♪
We should go down to the railyard.
To smash it on the tracks?
To put it on a freight
train so it seems,
you know, like its owner is still alive.
Yeah, it could buy us some time.
Until the cops find it
somewhere in South Dakota
and know dumbasses like
us tried to ditch it.
Fine, then a passenger train
like it was accidentally dropped.
Who's going to buy that ticket
in front of all the cameras?
Any decisions?
Uh, we'll take a round of Coneys.
- Who eats chili dogs for breakfast?
- We do.
So so there's a receipt?
Oh, like an alibi.
Mm-hmm.
Wait, where's the phone?
And where's Birdie?
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
[ENGINE TURNS OVER]
I don't think she gets the
first rule of garden club.
[LIGHT MUSIC]
♪
- Mm.
- How's that scone?
Mmm. Dope.
So did your guidance
counselor explain everything?
Mm, not really, no.
Oh, OK. Uh
[CLEARS THROAT] Well,
first off, congrats.
You're the very first recipient
of the Birdie Bradley scholarship
for, you know, achievements.
Dope.
You'll get a full ride to
the college of your choosing.
Dope.
Do you have any questions?
Uh, no, but thank you.
Oh, uh, do you want another scone?
Or they have really
great hot chocolate here.
[LAUGHS]
Can I ask you something?
Sure.
Did you talk to Victoria
Farber about this, uh, thing?
- Who who is she?
- Only the smartest nerd in our whole school.
Will probably invent
the cure to, like, asthma
or poverty or something.
She sounds boring.
Yeah.
Well, she's a better investment than me.
All right, real talk?
I'm just trying to keep a kid like you
from making the same
bad decisions I did.
Like what?
I went to Daytona for spring break.
OK, yeah, but, I mean,
everyone from my school goes there.
In a stolen ice cream truck?
Also got pregnant in 10th grade.
Yeah, well, I'm not dating anyone.
Neither was I.
I still don't get why you picked me.
[SIGHS]
Because the Victoria
Farbers of the world,
they are always going
to get what they want.
Now it's your turn.
Dope.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
- He is rude, disrespectful
- Yeah.
That little brat's had it out for me
since he started my class.
Doesn't mean he's a dog killer.
I have, what, a couple hundred students
coming through my room every year,
and for the most part,
they're all just regular kids.
But every now and then
and you know this, Dave
you get a Peyton.
This is the kid who
duct taped a freshman
to the lacrosse goalpost.
- Attempted murder!
- Fits the profile. Yeah.
Which is why you got to expel him.
I can't.
Well, he can't just get away with it.
With parents like his, he can.
He shot Molly, Dave.
It wasn't the county that
paid for a new lacrosse field.
Oh, come on, that's so gross!
Or our new auditorium.
Do you hear yourself?
Or the robotics lab.
You are the principal!
I'm really sorry about Molly,
but we work for them, Alice.
They don't have to play by the rules.
[SCOFFS]
[PENSIVE MUSIC]
♪
[SIGHS] Almost showtime.
Still got 20 minutes.
And what will we do with the other 18?
Use them to focus on you.
And what about Birdie Bradley?
Who?
Girl you bought the
exact same bracelet for?
[SIGHS] You and I were on a break.
I can't just be some accessory to you,
like that fridge.
You're a sub-zero, babe.
Those last forever.
[BIG BOSS VETTE'S "PRETTY GIRLS WALK"]
♪
Not here.
For old times' sake?
Gotta pee.
Meet you there.
All the pretty girls walk like this ♪
This, this, this ♪
Gotta know the secret password,
or else I won't let you in!
This, this, this ♪
What's the password, Gary?
Jesus!
Ron?
Ours was blowfish.
Ours too.
Blowfish, babe.
I want you out of your office
and my daughter's house tonight.
Your clothes are on the front lawn.
All the pretty girls walk like ♪
Martha Stewart,
Mike "the Situation" Sorrentino,
Ja Rule, country great Willie Nelson
what do they have in common?
They all needed [CLICKS TONGUE]
A tax lawyer.
Yeah.
So it's not all W-2s
and 1099s, my friends.
If you play your cards
right, you just might get
an opportunity to save one
of your heroes from Uncle Sam.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[COUGHING]
[BRIAN ENO & JOHN
CALE'S "SPINNING AWAY"]
♪
You can't compete with
a mom who owns a bakery.
Yeah, I should have brought cupcakes.
Dad!
Mm, mm, mm ♪
Up on a hill ♪
Hey, buddy.
Hi.
- Sweet!
- Wow!
What's that?
Fastest production
car for over 50 years.
Get it above 5,000 RPMs,
this thing's a fighter jet.
What's an RPM?
Revolutions per minute.
That's right.
This is my dad.
Who wants to fire it up?
ALL: Me!
[CHILDREN CHATTERING]
In the violet sky ♪
[WHIRRING]
I rethought the grade.
What?
You're right.
Poetry is subjective.
I'm glad you see it that way.
Math, science, English
none of those make you a good person.
So he's not getting a D?
- No.
- Wonderful.
He's getting an F.
For what?
Because you failed him as a parent.
What is your problem, lady?
Peyton is just like every other
spoiled rich kid in this town.
He's a good kid who works his ass off.
When he doesn't get his way,
the rest of us pay the price.
You don't know a thing about my son!
Your son killed my dog.
[PENSIVE MUSIC]
♪
[WHIRRING]
♪
You're the author, right?
Oh, uh, it's just a little Easter egg
I like to leave behind for my fans.
I'm not one of them.
Oh.
Too much sex or too little?
Because my publisher
Stay away from my son.
Uh
I just wanted to help.
Look, we'll take the money.
I thought you might.
But you agreed to no contact.
My parents did.
I know women like you
don't normally hear no.
I was 16.
But this is not a road
you want to go down.
He doesn't know he's adopted, does he?
Is, uh, everything OK here?
Oh, my God, this is crazy.
I'm the author, OK?
I'm the father.
We're done here.
This lady's writing in the books.
I'll just pay for these.
So where are you going?
Have you seen my blue bike shorts?
The hotel's got a fitness center.
- Where?
- Dubai.
OK, no.
You promised Dakota you would help him
with his Pinewood Derby car.
Tools are in the basement.
I'm not a Boy Scout.
Owning a global security
firm means I gotta be global.
Addie's parent-teacher
conferences are Tuesday.
Then go be the parent at the school
that I have to go to Dubai to pay for.
OK?
[PERFUME GENIUS & EMPRESS
OF'S "WHEN I'M WITH HIM"]
♪
You found me lost ♪
Loved me like a desert rain ♪
I tried, I fought ♪
But I just don't feel the same ♪
I feel possessed ♪
I speak but can't express ♪
I lay in bed ♪
Replaying life we once lived ♪
Dime dónde voy ♪
Dime dónde fui ♪
I'm going back and forth
like branches in the breeze ♪
♪
I feel like I'm the
outside looking in ♪
When I'm with him ♪
I don't know how to love now ♪
I pretend ♪
When I'm with him ♪
Yeah, finances, the lease records,
whatever dirt you can dig up.
Well, I'm going to need
a lot to take the kids.
I feel possessed ♪
I can't help but repress ♪
All of the signs ♪
Telling me I'm not fine ♪
Good morning, everyone.
Hope you, uh, slept off
all that donated champagne.
[ALL CHUCKLING]
So Monaco Under the Stars
was the biggest success
in the history of the Garden Society.
I guess Lady Luck was on our side.
So let's take a look
at how we're going to use the proceeds.
- Where have you been?
- Don't worry about it.
I'm going to worry. I have kids.
What did you do with the phone?
Our hands full with the koi pond.
- Koi pond?
- Yeah.
It's going to double
as a reflecting pool,
which will make us a shoo-in
for next season's cup.
What about the garden?
We'll have to dig it up.
Uh, how much?
All of it.
[GASPS]
Come on, I'll show you.
[PENSIVE MUSIC]
[BACKGROUND CHATTER]
♪
Here's what you learn
when you plant a garden.
[DISTORTED MUSIC]
I don't want to go to jail.
♪
All that beauty is
just a happy accident,
a random mix of insects rotting
and compost decaying.
♪
So to make a garden grow,
something has to die.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[VOCALIZING]