Grosse Pointe Garden Society (2025) s01e02 Episode Script
Pests
1
Previously on "Grosse
Pointe Garden Society"
They they found Molly.
Someone shot her.
- Karma.
- Congrats.
You're the recipient of the
Birdie Bradley Scholarship.
You agreed to no contact.
I'm the father.
Stay away from my son.
Every time your husband can't see
what makes you so special,
know there's someone who does.
How come guys like Gary always think
they can get away with it?
Maybe they shouldn't.
I want you out of your office
and my daughter's house tonight.
Your son killed my dog.
We work for them, Alice.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
I can't believe we're burying a body.
♪
What about the garden?
- We'll have to dig it up.
- How much?
All of it.
You were supposed to hang onto it!
Why can't it just burn?
Because they can still track it.
Wait. Where's the phone?
And where's Birdie?
[PHONE RINGING]
If you're actually thinking about
leaving me a message,
hang up and text, loser.
- [BEEPING]
- No.
OK. Text her.
- I just did.
- Do it again.
Tell her she's tired.
- She's not thinking straight.
- Yeah.
Just bring back the phone.
If she does anything stupid,
we will lose everything.
Guys, guys, I can't type that fast.
Where is she going?
To save herself.
- [NOTIFICATION WHOOSHES]
- All right.
Four Coney specials
made them real messy.
We only need three now.
Oh, sure. Yeah.
I'll just scrape off all the chili,
uncook the dogs, and throw it back
up on the shelf like we're at Walmart.
You know what? I I'll eat it.
Birdie would never do that.
She would 100% turn us
in to cut herself a deal.
OK, you've never even
given her a chance.
Believe me. I know the type.
OK. I'm sorry. Are we
back in high school?
Yeah, except the cheerleader is gonna
- send the band kid to jail.
- OK.
Not everyone with money
is out to get you, Alice.
She can definitely afford
a better defense attorney than I can.
You've known her for
all of five seconds.
Yeah! Ditto!
Tell her she's crazy.
She is the crazy one, right?
[SIGHING]
[TENSE MUSIC]
Rough night?
My friends and I sort
of murdered someone.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Who?
♪
Hey, Ms. Bradley.
It's me again, Ford.
I really need to talk to you.
I also DMed, but didn't know
if you knew how to work that.
No offense.
Sounds pretty thirsty.
He's in high school.
It's about a scholarship.
I don't want to know any more.
I'm his advisor.
Just stay out of trouble.
[SIGHS]
Those are mine.
What would I do without you?
Live in filth.
[VACUUM WHIRRING]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Every garden has unwanted guests.
♪
Slugs linger on the leaves
♪
They slowly eat away at
everything you care about.
♪
[DOOR OPENS]
Whoa.
Hey, buddy.
Everything all right?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
You got a sec?
Yeah.
Come on.
Spider mites are even worse,
'cause no matter how hard you try,
they're impossible to control.
I'm here to pick up Molly.
Breed?
Dead.
Mm.
That'll be $96.82 with
the commemorative urn.
[DOGS BARKING]
Is it possible to get her as-is?
[SIMPLE SYMMETRY'S "END OF DAYS"]
♪
La la la ♪
Till the end of days ♪
♪
I don't know what 3D tells the doctor,
because it barely looks human to me.
My daughter looked like
a fossil from Pompeii.
Well, she's a little pageant queen now,
so maybe it's a good thing.
So when is Alice gonna
give you your fossil?
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
I wish I knew.
You know what? I'll
loan her my wedge pillow.
What's that?
It lifts the pelvis so the
semen can reach the cervix.
Ew.
I'm just saying,
if they don't get with the program,
she's gonna be too old to babysit.
♪
Aphids are like a plague.
By the time you detect them,
you're already infested.
So if you and Mom both have brown hair,
how come mine's red?
Uh, 'cause Grandpa Pat had red.
I I just passed the gene on to you.
♪
Does that mean I could be
an alcoholic like Grandma?
Whoa. [LAUGHS]
Don't write that down.
But it's a trait.
What else did your mom say
about my side of the family?
Aunt Sally sneezes every
time she looks at the sun.
That's called, uh that's
called photosensitivity.
Did she get that 'cause
she's a sociopath?
But the most dreaded intruders,
the ones that do the most damage,
always seem to come out at night.
So I'm standing there with
my dingaling hanging out
in front of my father-in-law,
and next thing I know,
I'm living out of my car
Jesus.
And begging for a job selling shoes.
I mean, you did sleep
with another woman.
Always the guy's fault, huh?
Do we know her?
[TENSE MUSIC]
Just some basic bitch.
♪
So what are you gonna do?
♪
Make her sorry.
How?
♪
- [GASPS]
- What the hell?
[BREATHING SHAKILY]
Who am I kidding?
I'm an award-winning realtor,
not some killer.
All right, buddy.
Uh
It's gonna be OK.
Anything you need, we're here for you,
right, babe?
[SOBBING]
He's staying in your pool house?
The kids keep calling him Uncle Gary.
Who told them to do that?
Uncle Gary.
That ass-face just gets
off on torturing you.
What am I supposed to do?
Any of his other side
pieces have pool houses?
You were way more than that.
Thank you.
Fleabane everywhere.
It's encroaching on my tulips.
It's already got the zinnias.
OK. So we'll weed it.
Mm, they're like chin hairs.
Pull one, and two more take its place.
OK, well, the Cup's not for a while.
- We'll figure it out.
- Mm, not to freak you out,
but it's also extremely toxic.
OK. What about dish soap?
Yeah, that worked on the
crabgrass last season.
Donna!
OK. Get your ass to Kroger.
Clean them out of Palmolive.
All right, bitches, I'm ready to rake.
What?
I didn't know they made
overalls with booty shorts.
I was a "garden ho"
for Halloween last year.
- [CHUCKLES]
- I like the commitment.
Thank you.
Who knows?
Maybe all of this will
make me a better person.
There was blood everywhere.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
I guess when someone has
that many holes in their body,
it just, like, all comes out.
How many holes?
I I don't know.
Too many!
We were so freaked out.
Everything just got
out of control so fast.
Need a light?
I'm trying to quit.
You drive last night?
- Why does it matter?
- [SIGHS]
How much did you have to drink?
[SCOFFS] I don't know a few.
Not too smart on probation.
I was at the gala.
Any pills?
Just prescription stuff.
What? Xanax? Vicodin?
I'm not faded, OK?
Look, here's the thing.
People get shot, strangled, beaten.
I once saw a guy get
hit by an 18-wheeler
on the Lodge Freeway.
His body just exploded.
His ribs were like rack of
lamb on the side of the road.
Ew.
But I've never heard of anyone
getting killed the way that
that you've just described.
[SIGHS]
What's it gonna take?
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Show me.
Maybe I will take that light.
What happened to not trashing
each other to the kids?
- She is an alcoholic.
- OK.
Well, your sister's a full klepto.
OK. Brett, your mom goes to AA.
And Nikki went to jail.
Mall jail.
But this just says that
Zach inherited her dimples.
OK. Well, you know what?
If you wanted it done differently,
then you could have helped him yourself.
Oh, right, because you
do all the homework.
You ignore the teacher's emails.
Because they always start
with, "Hey, Melissa."
Because I am the only
one that answers them.
[SIGHS]
Who's winning?
Did Zach finish?
Am I the only one who didn't
work on my son's project?
Just saying. It's due tomorrow.
No, no, no, no. This is
never getting turned in.
Do you want him to fail?
I don't want everyone in that
school laughing at his family.
Oh, grow up!
- You grow up.
- OK. You know what?
Let's just take this. Let go.
Let go. You let go.
- What are you doing?
- Let go.
Let go. Can you just give me it?
- Can you
- Get off.
- Let go of it.
- Get off of it.
Brett, what are you doing?
- Get off of it.
- Get
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[SINGERS VOCALIZING]
Dick move.
♪
I don't understand why
the cops won't investigate.
Maybe 'cause there's no proof
of homicide or dogicide
whatever.
There was a bullet in her brain, Doug.
Babe, I don't know.
It's not like she committed suicide.
Hello.
Oh. Hey, Patty.
Oh. Don't spoil your appetite.
Oh, that's Molly, Mom.
[GASPS] Oh.
God's sake.
Could you get it
get it off the table?
Sweetie, I got you
some some avocado oil.
It's filled with polyphenols.
Oh, gross.
Mm, it's good for your baby maker.
Well, just in case you change your mind.
All right.
More bags, more bags.
Why is she here?
We need money, Alice.
I don't get it.
Without your job,
we can't afford to keep this place.
You know what happens if we
move into the rental house.
You think I want to?
You can forget about every holiday,
every Sunday dinner,
all of our free time.
It's either that or they're looking for
a regional director at the sign company.
It would be a lot more money.
We could have health insurance again.
And we could get a better car.
We could travel.
What about opening your gallery?
It's not like anyone's
banging down our door for my doodles.
We had a plan.
Plans change.
People grow up. They buy houses.
They have babies.
Since when did we agree
to become your parents?
My parents are like
everyone else in this town.
Since when did we agree to that?
What's so wrong with that?
I don't even know what's
happening right now.
What's happening is you
chose your dog over your job.
She was our dog.
[CHUCKLES] Hilarious.
What is that supposed to mean?
You know, I used to think that
you didn't want to settle
down and have a baby
because you already had one.
And then it was because we were gonna
go to New York and everything.
But now
Now what?
Maybe you just don't want one with me.
No.
[SOMBER MUSIC]
♪
I'll get us the money.
OK?
Hey.
I'll get us the money.
♪
[CHEERING ON TV]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
What's that?
Room 715.
Our old room.
Your new room now.
You know, stay as long as you want.
Order room service.
You can you can
take it all out on me.
Catherine, I'm not
crumbs on your counter
you get to just wipe away.
I want you gone.
Why'd you have to blow up my life?
I understand that you're
going through a lot
I can't even get my table at PF Chang's.
So eat somewhere else.
The hostess probably saw
the giant penis
someone drew on my bus ad.
What's your end game here, Gary?
Well, first, I'm gonna
binge that doc series
on the chimpanzee that went crazy.
OK, how long are you planning to stay?
Depends.
What? Days? Weeks?
Months?
As long as it takes to destroy
everything you care about.
Well, I'm calling the cops.
Mm. Be my guest.
They will arrest you for trespassing.
Yeah, they'll also take my statement,
and I'll be real clear
about why I'm here.
You might want to give
your husband a heads-up.
[TENSE MUSIC]
Oh, hey, I, uh
I added a few things
to our grocery list.
I'm thinking about going keto.
♪
Yo, Ms. Bradley!
- Hey!
- Later, Ford.
Why do you keep blowing me off?
You need to chill, OK?
I just want to talk.
Well, make an appointment
with my publicist.
Well, it's, like, super important.
I'm not your mother!
[ENGINE STARTING]
- Hey!
- [GASPING]
Oh, my God!
[GRUNTING]
Oh, my God!
- Are you OK?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
But, uh but they don't know that.
[GROANING]
- Oh.
- OK.
You win.
[SIGHS]
I need a favor.
Ugh.
What's the favor?
A friend of mine got in trouble.
What kind of trouble?
The kind that you're stuck
with for the rest of your life.
I thought you didn't have a girlfriend.
Well,
I wouldn't exactly call her that.
What are you guys gonna do?
Not what you did.
What do they cost these days?
A lot.
- Do your parents know?
- No.
No, no. My my dad would kill me.
[SIGHS]
Hold thi never mind.
[SIGHS]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Now do you believe me?
♪
Jesus.
We used ammonia and hydrogen peroxide
for, you know, the cleanup.
Which one made the holes?
♪
And also that one.
That one too.
♪
And the one above it.
♪
Is there anything here that
you guys didn't use to kill someone?
Um
♪
That one.
It's
Don't touch anything.
Why?
Because this is a crime scene.
♪
Birdie! Birdie! Let let us in!
We can figure this out. OK?
Just just let us in.
Look. We know you're home. The TV's on!
Yeah. And your car is out front.
Oh. No, she drives a Porsche.
Well, then what's with
the heap in the driveway?
My Ferrari is in the shop.
Olga.
You're here early.
We were just wondering
if Birdie is home.
Wasn't she supposed to be with you?
Uh, we had kind of a crazy night.
Yeah, super lit, actually.
Sort of lost her.
Everything OK?
Oh, 100%.
Yeah, yeah, we're just trying
to keep the party going.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because it's gonna take
more than a Tide Pen
to get that blood out.
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
Just tell her we came by.
♪
[INDISTINCT PA ANNOUNCEMENT]
Have you ever been to
a grocery store before?
I only need four.
That's not how it works.
Oh.
My friend usually buys
all my food for me.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
Cooks and cleans too.
Wow.
Wish I had a friend like that.
Oh, I'll text you the agency.
[LAUGHS, SIGHS]
Gary should be buying us groceries.
Is this his?
- [HAWKING PHLEGM]
- No.
- What?
- [LAUGHING]
- Oh, no.
- Huh?
No, don't turn around.
Who is that?
Gary's wife.
Oh, you never want to see the wife.
Catherine.
And that's why.
Do not leave.
How are you gonna introduce me,
as the other, other, other woman?
[CHUCKLES] Fine. Go.
Hi.
My students mean the world to me.
Not all of them.
Even your son.
I appreciate the apology.
You appreciate it so much,
you'll talk to the school board?
[SCOFFS] I wish I could.
You're head of fundraising.
Why can't you?
Because words matter, Alice.
I made a mistake.
You canceled him for
something he didn't do.
Listen.
I really need my job back.
Look.
His life isn't some English
paper you just get to rewrite.
Uh, this is yours.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
Michigan.
Excuse me?
You once asked where I went to school.
Go, Blue.
Congratulations.
I can get Peyton in.
How?
Head of admissions lived
in my dorm sophomore year.
You know the dean?
And I know what he looks
for in a college essay.
How do I know it'll work?
I'm an English teacher.
Words matter.
I, uh
I I don't know what to say here.
Everyone's acting like I
have some incurable disease.
Jesus.
You didn't do anything.
Well, neither did you.
What do you mean?
You worked with him.
Right, but
Even if you knew he was cheating,
you couldn't tell me.
Amanda, uh
You'd lose your job.
Did you ask who the women were?
No.
Gary said that there were so many,
and I didn't want to have to face them.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
Uh, he really doesn't deserve you.
You're so sweet.
Oh, my God!
He never told you?
Oh, my God!
Yeah.
Timing is not ideal.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
[TENSE MUSIC]
Bye.
♪
- So what's that gonna do?
- I don't know.
It's on them.
But he's the one who has to
redo the whole project over.
Who cares about a stupid grade?
Well, from a teacher's perspective,
just about everyone.
He'll still have his dignity.
Look, I say this with love.
Oh, here we go.
I'm just not sure this is
about your son's social status.
Oh, come on! What?
You think I actually
care what they think?
Well, look. I get it.
There's nothing to get.
Your wife left you
for a good-looking guy
with lots of money and a powerful job.
Whose side are you on?
And now your kids have two dads.
You know, I didn't
I didn't come here to
feel bad about myself.
Well, you wouldn't feel
bad if it wasn't true.
Well, I would rather you lie to me.
I said he was good-looking,
not better-looking.
Even, uh even the body?
He does have a trainer.
Ha!
Well, just throw him in
the oven with the cookies
while you're at it.
Mm-mm. Not cookies.
- What? Cake?
- Uh-uh.
Molly.
What the hell are you doing?
What the cops won't.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
The kid's a hunter.
Our cleaning lady hasn't
come yet this week.
I like seeing you in
your natural habitat.
Why?
Well, the best college essays,
they show who you really are.
Hmm.
So what do you, uh,
like about these guys?
I don't know.
Uh, they're baller.
They're disruptors.
Sounds cool.
Yeah.
They like to break the rules.
Cool.
Can I get something to drink?
You mean, like like, wine?
No.
Yeah.
Um, I got some Fireball left somewhere.
Just water is good.
All right.
[GRACE IVES' "MANSION"]
I never wanted anything ♪
You could show me all your rings ♪
I'm in the middle of it, baby ♪
I'm a little bit off ♪
♪
[VOCALIZING]
♪
Uh
Oh!
Mrs. Morris.
I was just, um
I normally wear boxer briefs.
OK.
Yeah, maybe we can
use that in your essay.
I knew that's what you really wanted.
Excuse me?
You're like one of those
horny Florida teachers.
What? No!
That's not why I'm here!
It totally explains why
you lost your mind over me.
Oh, my God!
Where is it?
Where's what?
The gun that goes with this.
I have no idea.
Please.
You didn't kill that deer
with a lacrosse stick.
Yeah. My dad used a rifle.
And I am not leaving until I find it.
OK, is this about your dog again?
Wait.
Don't go in there. Hey, wait!
- Is this where you keep it?
- Stop!
Don't excite her.
She'll rip her stitches.
Shh. It's OK, Snowball.
It's OK. No, no, no.
You're safe. It's all right.
It's OK, Snowball.
Shh. You're OK, baby.
Sorry, Snowball.
That bullet's from a handgun.
[TENSE MUSIC]
- So?
- We don't own one.
[DOG WHIMPERING]
♪
They stretch a half size, don't forget.
They're crowding my corns.
She's pregnant?
Why don't I think on it?
Daisy sale ends tomorrow.
How do you live with yourself?
It wasn't planned.
Oh, well, that makes it so much better.
And you said you never wanted
to know anything about her.
I meant, like, if she
was more fun than me.
- Not this.
- Yeah.
Did you really want to hear all
about our gender reveal party
while I was ripping off your panties?
[SCOFFS]
Why'd you have to go and
bone half the town, Gary?
You were still boning your husband.
That's different.
Why why do you get to make the rules?
You cheated on me.
We were already cheating.
Not on each other.
OK.
So so where do you draw the line?
Two people? Three?
I don't know.
I thought we were just having fun.
We were gonna run away to Paris.
Really?
What do you mean, really?
Well, that's something you
just say to make it more fun.
You really are a pig.
Yeah, fine.
Oink, oink.
So what does that make you?
Heartbroken.
Yeah.
Is that what your husband would call it?
[LIGHT MUSIC]
♪
This is body glitter.
It was on sale.
We're making a family tree.
We're not going clubbing.
I could also do this on my own.
We probably should have done
it together in the first place.
I delete those teacher emails.
I knew it!
[LAUGHING]
♪
You forgot pipe cleaners.
Is that how you really see me?
What do you mean?
Like I was birthed in a dumpster.
You also forgot googly eyes.
For real?
♪
Yeah, kind of.
Wow.
♪
That's why I fell for you.
So you're into
you're into trashy types?
I was into someone who was
basically raised by wolves,
but somehow turned out incredible.
OK.
- Uh, glue sticks
- Wa-wa wait.
Where are you?
So why did you leave me for that guy?
♪
You left me first.
♪
What?
Alice.
♪
Well, she's she's just a friend.
Nobody looks at their friend like that.
We volunteer together.
And Connor and I work together.
I've known her for years.
Yeah.
That was the problem.
I never stood a chance.
It's time to be brave ♪
♪
Are you sick of having to
pull out weeds by hand?
Flip over your rake, and I'll show you
an easy trick to save your garden bed.
You need to eat something.
Appetizer, entrée, dessert.
I'll make that salmon you like.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
Tell them I'm in the middle of dinner.
It's the police.
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
Can I help you, Officer?
Oh, I think you know why I'm here.
OK. He came to me.
You're just making
this harder on yourself.
Maybe Ford felt like he
couldn't talk to you guys.
We wanted it to be a
surprise for his birthday.
Wanted what to be a surprise?
The Xbox.
Luckily, I found it before his mom did.
I didn't give him this.
He said you paid for it.
Who knew hustling ran in the family?
Either way, it would
make my life a lot easier
if you would just stay
out of our business.
What if I can't?
Well, then I'll just
have to dig up something
from your record and,
uh, do all the dirty stuff
that people think cops do.
Is that threat coming
from you or your wife?
[CHUCKLING]
Oh, man.
You really are all kinds of trouble.
You have no idea.
Thank you, by the way.
For what?
Giving us one hell of a son.
♪
So what happens now?
All those tools get
booked into evidence.
I mean, what happens
to me and my friends?
Nothing.
How can you be sure?
Because if they ever find the body,
they'll never look
for the murder weapons
inside the station.
Do you hate me now?
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
You're all kinds of trouble, birdbrain.
You know I hate that nickname.
That's why it works.
♪
Oh, could you wash that
and drop it at Goodwill?
Dry clean only.
Those people don't care.
Then why do you need it washed?
Never mind.
You've got better things to worry about.
Should I be worried?
I'll just do it myself.
What happened last night?
Nothing I'm proud of.
Is that why your friend
had blood on her dress?
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
I can't answer that.
Why not?
♪
Because I couldn't live with
myself if I got you in trouble.
That's very kind.
You're family to me.
I appreciate that, Ms. Bradley.
But whatever mess you've
gotten yourself into,
I can't clean it up this time.
Are you sure about this?
Even if I found out who did it,
it wouldn't bring her back.
It's not the most
peaceful resting place.
She also liked Petco.
But, you know, you can't
dump ashes in a bone aisle.
[LAUGHTER]
It's OK to keep her on a shelf.
I have to let her go.
Why?
I haven't been focusing
on the right things.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
You do?
You know, car business.
Who's been telling you that for years?
That's why you're the best.
I could be better.
Ah, not to me.
To my husband.
[GROWLING]
[BARKING]
Well, uh, at least she's
with her people now.
[LAUGHTER]
It's worse.
Clearly, you can't fight
Mother Nature with dish soap.
What about vinegar and baking soda?
YouTube hole.
Why don't we just use chemicals?
Oh, natural is way safer.
Well, who cares if it's
safe if it doesn't work?
It was my fault.
How?
I kissed him at the office party.
Oh.
Your other weed.
- Mm.
- Are you kidding?
The guy is a disrespectful, deceitful
Love-bombing.
Dickwad.
Then I guess so am I.
It wouldn't be an affair
if someone didn't get hurt.
I can fix this.
Every gardener agrees a pest
is nature's way of telling us
we're doing something wrong.
But what they can't agree on
the best way to get rid of one.
Hey. The kids still up?
I got presents.
There's something I need to tell you.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
I was gonna get the turkey
burgers because I know you like
to be healthy, but I
got the bison instead
because I know you like
the taste of red meat.
You know everything about me, huh?
It's my job.
I bet you didn't know I have a son.
♪
You're a mother?
♪
I really want to try to be.
♪
Wow.
Y'all have quite a colorful family.
♪
You have no idea.
Say falling in love, can't let go ♪
There's only one thing
I think you should know ♪
It feels like everyone you
know has closed the door ♪
Just don't feel like
keeping on anymore ♪
[GASPING]
♪
Sometimes the infestation
just takes over.
And when that happens,
there's only one thing left to do.
Burn it all down.
♪
You've got to let go ♪
Yeah, you've got to let go ♪
♪
Where have you been?
Don't worry about it.
What did you do?
Obviously, we'll have our
hands full with the koi pond.
Koi pond?
Yeah, it's gonna double
as a reflecting pool,
which will make us a shoo-in
for next season's cup.
What about the garden?
Please tell me I didn't just hear
they're gonna dig up the body.
We have to move it.
Ugh, again?
Or we just pray the body
doesn't pop up in Marilyn's koi pond.
Can we stop saying the body?
It's freaking me out.
Saying the name is worse.
I see the blood and the holes.
Let's just say Quiche.
It's dairy, you know?
Not meaty.
Fine.
We have to move Quiche.
Not if they find Quiche's phone first,
because we'll already be serving
life sentences for murder.
- Where is the phone?
- Trust me.
- It won't lead to us.
- What did you do, Birdie?
If you don't know, you
have plausible deniability.
What did you do?
I kept Quiche alive.
[GEORGE THOROGOOD & THE
DESTROYERS' "BAD TO THE BONE"]
♪
Excuse me, sir.
Is this yours?
No, not mine.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
Previously on "Grosse
Pointe Garden Society"
They they found Molly.
Someone shot her.
- Karma.
- Congrats.
You're the recipient of the
Birdie Bradley Scholarship.
You agreed to no contact.
I'm the father.
Stay away from my son.
Every time your husband can't see
what makes you so special,
know there's someone who does.
How come guys like Gary always think
they can get away with it?
Maybe they shouldn't.
I want you out of your office
and my daughter's house tonight.
Your son killed my dog.
We work for them, Alice.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
I can't believe we're burying a body.
♪
What about the garden?
- We'll have to dig it up.
- How much?
All of it.
You were supposed to hang onto it!
Why can't it just burn?
Because they can still track it.
Wait. Where's the phone?
And where's Birdie?
[PHONE RINGING]
If you're actually thinking about
leaving me a message,
hang up and text, loser.
- [BEEPING]
- No.
OK. Text her.
- I just did.
- Do it again.
Tell her she's tired.
- She's not thinking straight.
- Yeah.
Just bring back the phone.
If she does anything stupid,
we will lose everything.
Guys, guys, I can't type that fast.
Where is she going?
To save herself.
- [NOTIFICATION WHOOSHES]
- All right.
Four Coney specials
made them real messy.
We only need three now.
Oh, sure. Yeah.
I'll just scrape off all the chili,
uncook the dogs, and throw it back
up on the shelf like we're at Walmart.
You know what? I I'll eat it.
Birdie would never do that.
She would 100% turn us
in to cut herself a deal.
OK, you've never even
given her a chance.
Believe me. I know the type.
OK. I'm sorry. Are we
back in high school?
Yeah, except the cheerleader is gonna
- send the band kid to jail.
- OK.
Not everyone with money
is out to get you, Alice.
She can definitely afford
a better defense attorney than I can.
You've known her for
all of five seconds.
Yeah! Ditto!
Tell her she's crazy.
She is the crazy one, right?
[SIGHING]
[TENSE MUSIC]
Rough night?
My friends and I sort
of murdered someone.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Who?
♪
Hey, Ms. Bradley.
It's me again, Ford.
I really need to talk to you.
I also DMed, but didn't know
if you knew how to work that.
No offense.
Sounds pretty thirsty.
He's in high school.
It's about a scholarship.
I don't want to know any more.
I'm his advisor.
Just stay out of trouble.
[SIGHS]
Those are mine.
What would I do without you?
Live in filth.
[VACUUM WHIRRING]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Every garden has unwanted guests.
♪
Slugs linger on the leaves
♪
They slowly eat away at
everything you care about.
♪
[DOOR OPENS]
Whoa.
Hey, buddy.
Everything all right?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
You got a sec?
Yeah.
Come on.
Spider mites are even worse,
'cause no matter how hard you try,
they're impossible to control.
I'm here to pick up Molly.
Breed?
Dead.
Mm.
That'll be $96.82 with
the commemorative urn.
[DOGS BARKING]
Is it possible to get her as-is?
[SIMPLE SYMMETRY'S "END OF DAYS"]
♪
La la la ♪
Till the end of days ♪
♪
I don't know what 3D tells the doctor,
because it barely looks human to me.
My daughter looked like
a fossil from Pompeii.
Well, she's a little pageant queen now,
so maybe it's a good thing.
So when is Alice gonna
give you your fossil?
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
I wish I knew.
You know what? I'll
loan her my wedge pillow.
What's that?
It lifts the pelvis so the
semen can reach the cervix.
Ew.
I'm just saying,
if they don't get with the program,
she's gonna be too old to babysit.
♪
Aphids are like a plague.
By the time you detect them,
you're already infested.
So if you and Mom both have brown hair,
how come mine's red?
Uh, 'cause Grandpa Pat had red.
I I just passed the gene on to you.
♪
Does that mean I could be
an alcoholic like Grandma?
Whoa. [LAUGHS]
Don't write that down.
But it's a trait.
What else did your mom say
about my side of the family?
Aunt Sally sneezes every
time she looks at the sun.
That's called, uh that's
called photosensitivity.
Did she get that 'cause
she's a sociopath?
But the most dreaded intruders,
the ones that do the most damage,
always seem to come out at night.
So I'm standing there with
my dingaling hanging out
in front of my father-in-law,
and next thing I know,
I'm living out of my car
Jesus.
And begging for a job selling shoes.
I mean, you did sleep
with another woman.
Always the guy's fault, huh?
Do we know her?
[TENSE MUSIC]
Just some basic bitch.
♪
So what are you gonna do?
♪
Make her sorry.
How?
♪
- [GASPS]
- What the hell?
[BREATHING SHAKILY]
Who am I kidding?
I'm an award-winning realtor,
not some killer.
All right, buddy.
Uh
It's gonna be OK.
Anything you need, we're here for you,
right, babe?
[SOBBING]
He's staying in your pool house?
The kids keep calling him Uncle Gary.
Who told them to do that?
Uncle Gary.
That ass-face just gets
off on torturing you.
What am I supposed to do?
Any of his other side
pieces have pool houses?
You were way more than that.
Thank you.
Fleabane everywhere.
It's encroaching on my tulips.
It's already got the zinnias.
OK. So we'll weed it.
Mm, they're like chin hairs.
Pull one, and two more take its place.
OK, well, the Cup's not for a while.
- We'll figure it out.
- Mm, not to freak you out,
but it's also extremely toxic.
OK. What about dish soap?
Yeah, that worked on the
crabgrass last season.
Donna!
OK. Get your ass to Kroger.
Clean them out of Palmolive.
All right, bitches, I'm ready to rake.
What?
I didn't know they made
overalls with booty shorts.
I was a "garden ho"
for Halloween last year.
- [CHUCKLES]
- I like the commitment.
Thank you.
Who knows?
Maybe all of this will
make me a better person.
There was blood everywhere.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
I guess when someone has
that many holes in their body,
it just, like, all comes out.
How many holes?
I I don't know.
Too many!
We were so freaked out.
Everything just got
out of control so fast.
Need a light?
I'm trying to quit.
You drive last night?
- Why does it matter?
- [SIGHS]
How much did you have to drink?
[SCOFFS] I don't know a few.
Not too smart on probation.
I was at the gala.
Any pills?
Just prescription stuff.
What? Xanax? Vicodin?
I'm not faded, OK?
Look, here's the thing.
People get shot, strangled, beaten.
I once saw a guy get
hit by an 18-wheeler
on the Lodge Freeway.
His body just exploded.
His ribs were like rack of
lamb on the side of the road.
Ew.
But I've never heard of anyone
getting killed the way that
that you've just described.
[SIGHS]
What's it gonna take?
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Show me.
Maybe I will take that light.
What happened to not trashing
each other to the kids?
- She is an alcoholic.
- OK.
Well, your sister's a full klepto.
OK. Brett, your mom goes to AA.
And Nikki went to jail.
Mall jail.
But this just says that
Zach inherited her dimples.
OK. Well, you know what?
If you wanted it done differently,
then you could have helped him yourself.
Oh, right, because you
do all the homework.
You ignore the teacher's emails.
Because they always start
with, "Hey, Melissa."
Because I am the only
one that answers them.
[SIGHS]
Who's winning?
Did Zach finish?
Am I the only one who didn't
work on my son's project?
Just saying. It's due tomorrow.
No, no, no, no. This is
never getting turned in.
Do you want him to fail?
I don't want everyone in that
school laughing at his family.
Oh, grow up!
- You grow up.
- OK. You know what?
Let's just take this. Let go.
Let go. You let go.
- What are you doing?
- Let go.
Let go. Can you just give me it?
- Can you
- Get off.
- Let go of it.
- Get off of it.
Brett, what are you doing?
- Get off of it.
- Get
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[SINGERS VOCALIZING]
Dick move.
♪
I don't understand why
the cops won't investigate.
Maybe 'cause there's no proof
of homicide or dogicide
whatever.
There was a bullet in her brain, Doug.
Babe, I don't know.
It's not like she committed suicide.
Hello.
Oh. Hey, Patty.
Oh. Don't spoil your appetite.
Oh, that's Molly, Mom.
[GASPS] Oh.
God's sake.
Could you get it
get it off the table?
Sweetie, I got you
some some avocado oil.
It's filled with polyphenols.
Oh, gross.
Mm, it's good for your baby maker.
Well, just in case you change your mind.
All right.
More bags, more bags.
Why is she here?
We need money, Alice.
I don't get it.
Without your job,
we can't afford to keep this place.
You know what happens if we
move into the rental house.
You think I want to?
You can forget about every holiday,
every Sunday dinner,
all of our free time.
It's either that or they're looking for
a regional director at the sign company.
It would be a lot more money.
We could have health insurance again.
And we could get a better car.
We could travel.
What about opening your gallery?
It's not like anyone's
banging down our door for my doodles.
We had a plan.
Plans change.
People grow up. They buy houses.
They have babies.
Since when did we agree
to become your parents?
My parents are like
everyone else in this town.
Since when did we agree to that?
What's so wrong with that?
I don't even know what's
happening right now.
What's happening is you
chose your dog over your job.
She was our dog.
[CHUCKLES] Hilarious.
What is that supposed to mean?
You know, I used to think that
you didn't want to settle
down and have a baby
because you already had one.
And then it was because we were gonna
go to New York and everything.
But now
Now what?
Maybe you just don't want one with me.
No.
[SOMBER MUSIC]
♪
I'll get us the money.
OK?
Hey.
I'll get us the money.
♪
[CHEERING ON TV]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
What's that?
Room 715.
Our old room.
Your new room now.
You know, stay as long as you want.
Order room service.
You can you can
take it all out on me.
Catherine, I'm not
crumbs on your counter
you get to just wipe away.
I want you gone.
Why'd you have to blow up my life?
I understand that you're
going through a lot
I can't even get my table at PF Chang's.
So eat somewhere else.
The hostess probably saw
the giant penis
someone drew on my bus ad.
What's your end game here, Gary?
Well, first, I'm gonna
binge that doc series
on the chimpanzee that went crazy.
OK, how long are you planning to stay?
Depends.
What? Days? Weeks?
Months?
As long as it takes to destroy
everything you care about.
Well, I'm calling the cops.
Mm. Be my guest.
They will arrest you for trespassing.
Yeah, they'll also take my statement,
and I'll be real clear
about why I'm here.
You might want to give
your husband a heads-up.
[TENSE MUSIC]
Oh, hey, I, uh
I added a few things
to our grocery list.
I'm thinking about going keto.
♪
Yo, Ms. Bradley!
- Hey!
- Later, Ford.
Why do you keep blowing me off?
You need to chill, OK?
I just want to talk.
Well, make an appointment
with my publicist.
Well, it's, like, super important.
I'm not your mother!
[ENGINE STARTING]
- Hey!
- [GASPING]
Oh, my God!
[GRUNTING]
Oh, my God!
- Are you OK?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
But, uh but they don't know that.
[GROANING]
- Oh.
- OK.
You win.
[SIGHS]
I need a favor.
Ugh.
What's the favor?
A friend of mine got in trouble.
What kind of trouble?
The kind that you're stuck
with for the rest of your life.
I thought you didn't have a girlfriend.
Well,
I wouldn't exactly call her that.
What are you guys gonna do?
Not what you did.
What do they cost these days?
A lot.
- Do your parents know?
- No.
No, no. My my dad would kill me.
[SIGHS]
Hold thi never mind.
[SIGHS]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Now do you believe me?
♪
Jesus.
We used ammonia and hydrogen peroxide
for, you know, the cleanup.
Which one made the holes?
♪
And also that one.
That one too.
♪
And the one above it.
♪
Is there anything here that
you guys didn't use to kill someone?
Um
♪
That one.
It's
Don't touch anything.
Why?
Because this is a crime scene.
♪
Birdie! Birdie! Let let us in!
We can figure this out. OK?
Just just let us in.
Look. We know you're home. The TV's on!
Yeah. And your car is out front.
Oh. No, she drives a Porsche.
Well, then what's with
the heap in the driveway?
My Ferrari is in the shop.
Olga.
You're here early.
We were just wondering
if Birdie is home.
Wasn't she supposed to be with you?
Uh, we had kind of a crazy night.
Yeah, super lit, actually.
Sort of lost her.
Everything OK?
Oh, 100%.
Yeah, yeah, we're just trying
to keep the party going.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because it's gonna take
more than a Tide Pen
to get that blood out.
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
Just tell her we came by.
♪
[INDISTINCT PA ANNOUNCEMENT]
Have you ever been to
a grocery store before?
I only need four.
That's not how it works.
Oh.
My friend usually buys
all my food for me.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
Cooks and cleans too.
Wow.
Wish I had a friend like that.
Oh, I'll text you the agency.
[LAUGHS, SIGHS]
Gary should be buying us groceries.
Is this his?
- [HAWKING PHLEGM]
- No.
- What?
- [LAUGHING]
- Oh, no.
- Huh?
No, don't turn around.
Who is that?
Gary's wife.
Oh, you never want to see the wife.
Catherine.
And that's why.
Do not leave.
How are you gonna introduce me,
as the other, other, other woman?
[CHUCKLES] Fine. Go.
Hi.
My students mean the world to me.
Not all of them.
Even your son.
I appreciate the apology.
You appreciate it so much,
you'll talk to the school board?
[SCOFFS] I wish I could.
You're head of fundraising.
Why can't you?
Because words matter, Alice.
I made a mistake.
You canceled him for
something he didn't do.
Listen.
I really need my job back.
Look.
His life isn't some English
paper you just get to rewrite.
Uh, this is yours.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
Michigan.
Excuse me?
You once asked where I went to school.
Go, Blue.
Congratulations.
I can get Peyton in.
How?
Head of admissions lived
in my dorm sophomore year.
You know the dean?
And I know what he looks
for in a college essay.
How do I know it'll work?
I'm an English teacher.
Words matter.
I, uh
I I don't know what to say here.
Everyone's acting like I
have some incurable disease.
Jesus.
You didn't do anything.
Well, neither did you.
What do you mean?
You worked with him.
Right, but
Even if you knew he was cheating,
you couldn't tell me.
Amanda, uh
You'd lose your job.
Did you ask who the women were?
No.
Gary said that there were so many,
and I didn't want to have to face them.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
Uh, he really doesn't deserve you.
You're so sweet.
Oh, my God!
He never told you?
Oh, my God!
Yeah.
Timing is not ideal.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
[TENSE MUSIC]
Bye.
♪
- So what's that gonna do?
- I don't know.
It's on them.
But he's the one who has to
redo the whole project over.
Who cares about a stupid grade?
Well, from a teacher's perspective,
just about everyone.
He'll still have his dignity.
Look, I say this with love.
Oh, here we go.
I'm just not sure this is
about your son's social status.
Oh, come on! What?
You think I actually
care what they think?
Well, look. I get it.
There's nothing to get.
Your wife left you
for a good-looking guy
with lots of money and a powerful job.
Whose side are you on?
And now your kids have two dads.
You know, I didn't
I didn't come here to
feel bad about myself.
Well, you wouldn't feel
bad if it wasn't true.
Well, I would rather you lie to me.
I said he was good-looking,
not better-looking.
Even, uh even the body?
He does have a trainer.
Ha!
Well, just throw him in
the oven with the cookies
while you're at it.
Mm-mm. Not cookies.
- What? Cake?
- Uh-uh.
Molly.
What the hell are you doing?
What the cops won't.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
The kid's a hunter.
Our cleaning lady hasn't
come yet this week.
I like seeing you in
your natural habitat.
Why?
Well, the best college essays,
they show who you really are.
Hmm.
So what do you, uh,
like about these guys?
I don't know.
Uh, they're baller.
They're disruptors.
Sounds cool.
Yeah.
They like to break the rules.
Cool.
Can I get something to drink?
You mean, like like, wine?
No.
Yeah.
Um, I got some Fireball left somewhere.
Just water is good.
All right.
[GRACE IVES' "MANSION"]
I never wanted anything ♪
You could show me all your rings ♪
I'm in the middle of it, baby ♪
I'm a little bit off ♪
♪
[VOCALIZING]
♪
Uh
Oh!
Mrs. Morris.
I was just, um
I normally wear boxer briefs.
OK.
Yeah, maybe we can
use that in your essay.
I knew that's what you really wanted.
Excuse me?
You're like one of those
horny Florida teachers.
What? No!
That's not why I'm here!
It totally explains why
you lost your mind over me.
Oh, my God!
Where is it?
Where's what?
The gun that goes with this.
I have no idea.
Please.
You didn't kill that deer
with a lacrosse stick.
Yeah. My dad used a rifle.
And I am not leaving until I find it.
OK, is this about your dog again?
Wait.
Don't go in there. Hey, wait!
- Is this where you keep it?
- Stop!
Don't excite her.
She'll rip her stitches.
Shh. It's OK, Snowball.
It's OK. No, no, no.
You're safe. It's all right.
It's OK, Snowball.
Shh. You're OK, baby.
Sorry, Snowball.
That bullet's from a handgun.
[TENSE MUSIC]
- So?
- We don't own one.
[DOG WHIMPERING]
♪
They stretch a half size, don't forget.
They're crowding my corns.
She's pregnant?
Why don't I think on it?
Daisy sale ends tomorrow.
How do you live with yourself?
It wasn't planned.
Oh, well, that makes it so much better.
And you said you never wanted
to know anything about her.
I meant, like, if she
was more fun than me.
- Not this.
- Yeah.
Did you really want to hear all
about our gender reveal party
while I was ripping off your panties?
[SCOFFS]
Why'd you have to go and
bone half the town, Gary?
You were still boning your husband.
That's different.
Why why do you get to make the rules?
You cheated on me.
We were already cheating.
Not on each other.
OK.
So so where do you draw the line?
Two people? Three?
I don't know.
I thought we were just having fun.
We were gonna run away to Paris.
Really?
What do you mean, really?
Well, that's something you
just say to make it more fun.
You really are a pig.
Yeah, fine.
Oink, oink.
So what does that make you?
Heartbroken.
Yeah.
Is that what your husband would call it?
[LIGHT MUSIC]
♪
This is body glitter.
It was on sale.
We're making a family tree.
We're not going clubbing.
I could also do this on my own.
We probably should have done
it together in the first place.
I delete those teacher emails.
I knew it!
[LAUGHING]
♪
You forgot pipe cleaners.
Is that how you really see me?
What do you mean?
Like I was birthed in a dumpster.
You also forgot googly eyes.
For real?
♪
Yeah, kind of.
Wow.
♪
That's why I fell for you.
So you're into
you're into trashy types?
I was into someone who was
basically raised by wolves,
but somehow turned out incredible.
OK.
- Uh, glue sticks
- Wa-wa wait.
Where are you?
So why did you leave me for that guy?
♪
You left me first.
♪
What?
Alice.
♪
Well, she's she's just a friend.
Nobody looks at their friend like that.
We volunteer together.
And Connor and I work together.
I've known her for years.
Yeah.
That was the problem.
I never stood a chance.
It's time to be brave ♪
♪
Are you sick of having to
pull out weeds by hand?
Flip over your rake, and I'll show you
an easy trick to save your garden bed.
You need to eat something.
Appetizer, entrée, dessert.
I'll make that salmon you like.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
Tell them I'm in the middle of dinner.
It's the police.
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
Can I help you, Officer?
Oh, I think you know why I'm here.
OK. He came to me.
You're just making
this harder on yourself.
Maybe Ford felt like he
couldn't talk to you guys.
We wanted it to be a
surprise for his birthday.
Wanted what to be a surprise?
The Xbox.
Luckily, I found it before his mom did.
I didn't give him this.
He said you paid for it.
Who knew hustling ran in the family?
Either way, it would
make my life a lot easier
if you would just stay
out of our business.
What if I can't?
Well, then I'll just
have to dig up something
from your record and,
uh, do all the dirty stuff
that people think cops do.
Is that threat coming
from you or your wife?
[CHUCKLING]
Oh, man.
You really are all kinds of trouble.
You have no idea.
Thank you, by the way.
For what?
Giving us one hell of a son.
♪
So what happens now?
All those tools get
booked into evidence.
I mean, what happens
to me and my friends?
Nothing.
How can you be sure?
Because if they ever find the body,
they'll never look
for the murder weapons
inside the station.
Do you hate me now?
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
You're all kinds of trouble, birdbrain.
You know I hate that nickname.
That's why it works.
♪
Oh, could you wash that
and drop it at Goodwill?
Dry clean only.
Those people don't care.
Then why do you need it washed?
Never mind.
You've got better things to worry about.
Should I be worried?
I'll just do it myself.
What happened last night?
Nothing I'm proud of.
Is that why your friend
had blood on her dress?
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
I can't answer that.
Why not?
♪
Because I couldn't live with
myself if I got you in trouble.
That's very kind.
You're family to me.
I appreciate that, Ms. Bradley.
But whatever mess you've
gotten yourself into,
I can't clean it up this time.
Are you sure about this?
Even if I found out who did it,
it wouldn't bring her back.
It's not the most
peaceful resting place.
She also liked Petco.
But, you know, you can't
dump ashes in a bone aisle.
[LAUGHTER]
It's OK to keep her on a shelf.
I have to let her go.
Why?
I haven't been focusing
on the right things.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
You do?
You know, car business.
Who's been telling you that for years?
That's why you're the best.
I could be better.
Ah, not to me.
To my husband.
[GROWLING]
[BARKING]
Well, uh, at least she's
with her people now.
[LAUGHTER]
It's worse.
Clearly, you can't fight
Mother Nature with dish soap.
What about vinegar and baking soda?
YouTube hole.
Why don't we just use chemicals?
Oh, natural is way safer.
Well, who cares if it's
safe if it doesn't work?
It was my fault.
How?
I kissed him at the office party.
Oh.
Your other weed.
- Mm.
- Are you kidding?
The guy is a disrespectful, deceitful
Love-bombing.
Dickwad.
Then I guess so am I.
It wouldn't be an affair
if someone didn't get hurt.
I can fix this.
Every gardener agrees a pest
is nature's way of telling us
we're doing something wrong.
But what they can't agree on
the best way to get rid of one.
Hey. The kids still up?
I got presents.
There's something I need to tell you.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
I was gonna get the turkey
burgers because I know you like
to be healthy, but I
got the bison instead
because I know you like
the taste of red meat.
You know everything about me, huh?
It's my job.
I bet you didn't know I have a son.
♪
You're a mother?
♪
I really want to try to be.
♪
Wow.
Y'all have quite a colorful family.
♪
You have no idea.
Say falling in love, can't let go ♪
There's only one thing
I think you should know ♪
It feels like everyone you
know has closed the door ♪
Just don't feel like
keeping on anymore ♪
[GASPING]
♪
Sometimes the infestation
just takes over.
And when that happens,
there's only one thing left to do.
Burn it all down.
♪
You've got to let go ♪
Yeah, you've got to let go ♪
♪
Where have you been?
Don't worry about it.
What did you do?
Obviously, we'll have our
hands full with the koi pond.
Koi pond?
Yeah, it's gonna double
as a reflecting pool,
which will make us a shoo-in
for next season's cup.
What about the garden?
Please tell me I didn't just hear
they're gonna dig up the body.
We have to move it.
Ugh, again?
Or we just pray the body
doesn't pop up in Marilyn's koi pond.
Can we stop saying the body?
It's freaking me out.
Saying the name is worse.
I see the blood and the holes.
Let's just say Quiche.
It's dairy, you know?
Not meaty.
Fine.
We have to move Quiche.
Not if they find Quiche's phone first,
because we'll already be serving
life sentences for murder.
- Where is the phone?
- Trust me.
- It won't lead to us.
- What did you do, Birdie?
If you don't know, you
have plausible deniability.
What did you do?
I kept Quiche alive.
[GEORGE THOROGOOD & THE
DESTROYERS' "BAD TO THE BONE"]
♪
Excuse me, sir.
Is this yours?
No, not mine.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪