Grounded For Life (2001) s02e17 Episode Script
210 - The Kids Are Alright
It just feels so weird comin' back from Atlantic City with money.
Ha ha ha.
Oh, it's fantastic.
Oh, God.
This seat is so uncomfortable.
Oh, I know why.
'Cause I'm sitting on a gigantic wad of cash! [Both laugh.]
Do you mind? Excuse me? This bus is full of losers.
We don't want to hear about how much you won.
Hey, man.
Listen.
Here's 5 bucks.
Why don't you go sit up by the driver? [Both laugh.]
Whoo! Atlantic City rocks! Yeah.
I'm worried about leaving the kids alone.
Come on, baby.
We needed this vacation.
Ah! Uhh! Mom, I can't get any sleep.
Henry keeps turning the light on.
Honey, turn off the light.
I can't! The headless horseman wants my head.
Oh, Henry.
That was just a movie.
Sweetie, are we gonna go through this every single night? Till they catch him, yes.
All right.
Climb in.
[Telephone rings.]
That's for me.
Hello? Who's calling you at 2:00 in the morning? Yes, I'll accept the charges.
Ha ha.
I'm not saying it wasn't very nice to get away.
I just hope the kids are all right.
I'm sure they're fine.
They're with Eddie.
So? We got money now.
We don't need the kids to make us happy.
Come on.
Hey, come on.
Eddie was really into the idea.
Besides, we didn't have that many choices.
Oh, God.
Come on, dad.
You're sick.
No, I'm not.
Look, it's OK.
We'll go to Atlantic City some other time.
What about me? What? You'd baby-sit? I'd take a whack at it.
Sean: All right.
We're home.
I can see our house.
Claudia: Is it on fire? Uh, let me see.
Not visibly.
All right, Eddie! Yeow! Whoo! Ha ha! Hi.
I thought you guys were comin' home tomorrow.
No, we decided to quit when we were ahead.
[Both laugh.]
How's everything here? Here? Here? Everything's great here.
Just taking out some garbage.
You guys need stronger bags, you know? What the hell happened, Eddie? I just had Kenny over.
We watched the game.
So, what, you and Kenny each had, like, 47 beers? Kenny has a problem.
Uhhhh! I gotta go! We're out of mayonnaise! What the hell is dad doing here? You're pretty much looking at it.
Oh, my God.
He reeks of cough syrup.
[Sniffs.]
And you just reek.
That's Cologne, Ed.
The stink is getting into my mouth.
Look, Eddie.
Just tell me the boys are all right.
Oh, yeah.
They're fine.
I haven't heard a peep out of them.
OK.
I got all the cans out-- Heh.
Hello.
So, what you got there, Lily? Uh, recycling.
Just taking out the recycling, you know? Savin' the earth.
Ha ha.
Come on.
We know there was a party.
I did not throw a party.
Really? Yes.
The party was thrown at me.
So, my parents are going out of town this weekend.
They are? Yeah.
I'll have the house to myself if you know what I mean.
Heh heh.
Oh, yeah.
I know what you mean.
[Doorbell rings.]
Doesn't anybody check I.
D.
Anymore? How do kids get their hands on obscene quantities of beer? They got it from our refrigerator.
That was my beer?! Oh, God.
They ate the peanut butter and the onions, and what the hell? Was somebody eating the baking soda? They probably wanted to freshen their breath after they puked.
Oh, God.
Somebody puked? Yeah, in the meat drawer.
Ohh! That's it.
That's the last time you baby-sit.
What? Why? Look around.
How could you have let this happen? I was on top of things.
I got a little distracted.
By what? You know that girl who works in a bookstore by the coffee shop? No.
I've been wooing her.
Hi.
Can you tell me where your home improvement section is? I am thinking of installing a jacuzzi in my penthouse.
Do you have a self-help section for the hopelessly romantic? I've mastered this one.
Do you have anything more challenging? You know, for people with more endurance.
Aisle 4.
Ask for Jim.
Jim? OK.
So what? You get shot down all the time.
First of all, that hurt.
Second of all, things took a turn for the better.
Hey, look.
A book on craps.
I gotta see this.
Hey, what's with all the dice? Come on, guys.
I'll show you the art photos.
Nah.
I don't like art.
You'll like these.
Art rocks.
Hi.
Are you talking to me? It's so nice to see people reading with their children.
Oh.
They're not mine.
Oh.
I mean, they're basically mine.
I am their uncle, but their father, you know And you take care of them? Uh-huh.
That's so sweet.
How old are they? I'll be 13 in April.
I'm 27.
Ah ha ha! He's adorable.
He gets that from his uncle.
Oh.
No wonder you wanted to keep the boys this weekend.
It was perfectly innocent.
You used them as bait.
OK.
They were bait, but they had a good time.
Wow.
I've never had so much sugar.
I'm starting to see new colors.
It's just good to see them eat.
[Giggles.]
I can't believe it.
You made me out to this woman as some kind of drunk who starves his children? No, it's not you.
It's a character I invented.
"Evil Sean.
" What's goin' on? He's harshin' on me.
You totally dropped the ball, Eddie.
No, I did you a favor.
You're the one who wanted to try out your Blackjack system.
Oh, God.
Don't talk about the system.
All he could talk about the whole time was his stupid system.
Ah, yes.
Here we are.
Slot machines.
Oh, come on.
What? I'm good at slots.
Oh, please.
I am.
You can't be good at slots.
Well, I am.
Look, there's no such thing as "good at slots", OK? It's totally random.
A monkey could win money at slots.
Yes, if the monkey were good at slots.
Oh, God.
Come on, it's a game of chance.
Why don't you play a game of skill like Blackjack? I got a system.
Yes.
Yes, I heard about your system.
Well, apparently, you weren't listening too closely, 'cause you still insist on throwing money away on slots! Which I'm good at.
You can't be! Watch me.
Well, I won $85.
That's "good at slots.
" Whoa.
Well, how much did I win with my system? Wait a minute.
Whoa! It's almost too heavy to hold! Aah! Aah! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
While you two were in Atlantic City sipping dom perignon out of each other's shoes, guess where I was.
I was right here, protecting the little ones, sipping nothing from nobody's shoes.
Well, you know, we do appreciate it.
Thanks, Eddie.
You're welcome.
[Knock on door.]
Jimmy: Uncle Eddie, is that you? Yeah.
Jimmy: Let us out of here! Henry: Please! Are the boys locked in the basement? I don't think so.
Whoa.
Oh, it's so bright.
Oh, my God.
Hey, first rule of baby-sitting: Don't lock the children in the basement.
Go easy on them.
They're kids.
Dad.
Dad.
You really smell.
It's Cologne.
OK, come on, guys.
I'll make you some hot chocolate.
All right, Eddie.
So, how exactly did they get locked in the basement? I honestly don't know.
We were hanging out, having a good time, but at some point, my apartment just became an unsuitable environment.
[Giggles.]
Uh, Henry, close your club face.
You're hitting it off the toe.
Wow.
You are so good with your nephews.
Well, somebody's got to be.
Heh heh.
Ow! Whoa.
Come on.
Keep it in the fairway.
You OK? Yeah, I'm fine.
So, do you watch the boys all the time? Oh, yeah.
No, I mean, all the time? Come on.
Let's go.
Time to go.
But I'm 3 under! Move it.
[Doorbell rings.]
What the-- Thank you, Lily.
Noooooo! Well, it was nice of you not to just shove them out of a moving car.
Look, what I did was in their best interest and mine and my lady friend's.
It was a win-win-win.
Wow.
$860.
Mom? If you put all this in my college fund, I would have $868.
Yeah, Jimmy.
About those $8.
00 Mom, who's Joan? Who? Joan in room 608.
What is that? I found it in with dad's money.
I don't know anyone named Joan.
Well, she kissed this napkin.
Think.
Who do you know who really loves napkins? Lily, do you know where your brothers are? Yeah, they're-- They're-- Oh, my God.
Uh-uh-uh-uh.
We let 'em out.
What the hell were you thinking, lil? Dad, I was overwhelmed.
[Music playing.]
Dean, when I told you that my parents were gonna be out of town, I meant that we could spend the evening together.
Just the two of us.
Oh.
Oh! Party, man! Come on! Give me that.
[Telephone rings.]
Hello? Lily.
Well, I just had some cough medicine, and, uh-- What? Oh, no, no, no.
Don't worry.
If I take some of the non-drowsy, I'm sure it'll balance out.
[Doorbell rings.]
Oh, grandpa.
Thank God you're here.
I'm so sorry to wake you up, but this is an emergency.
Don't be silly.
I'm happy to help.
Hey, is that Chita Rivera? I owe her a punch in the nose! Grandpa! I need you to get all these people out of here.
I got it.
OK.
The music is going off.
Right after this song Which I like very much.
Oh, grandpa.
Are you all right? I'm great.
Oh, crap.
I didn't know what else to do.
I was just looking out for my little brothers.
Come on, Lily.
They wouldn't have been doing it out in the yard if they didn't want people to watch.
Uhh.
Get in the basement.
What if we get hungry? There's a freezer full of meat.
Don't think of it as "locked in the basement.
" Think of it as "protective custody.
" Sean? Yeah.
Hi.
When I was playing the slots, what were you doing? I was playing Blackjack.
Yeah, who's Joan? Ah? Joan.
I don't know a Joan.
Joan.
Joan.
Joan, room 608, with the burgundy lipstick! Oh, wow.
I've got no idea.
Oh, come-- It was in your pocket.
A lot of people wear these pants.
My God.
No wonder you smell like cheap perfume.
No, no, no, no.
It didn't happen like that at all.
See, I did go over to the Blackjack tables.
Yeah? What? Truth be told, my system wasn't as foolproof as I may have implied.
Cocktails? I think I'll have a lowenbrau.
Thank you.
Heh.
Queen-5, dealer showing 7.
Hit me.
Too many.
It's OK.
Just startin'.
Ha ha ha ha.
I'll stay.
Hit me, mama.
Ohh! Aah! Damn it! OK.
2 cowboys.
I stay.
What? Here's your beer.
OK.
You know what? That bores me.
Who is Joan?! You drove me to Joan.
What? I couldn't face you.
Why not? Because you were winning.
[Sirens wail.]
Whoo! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! I'm gonna need another bucket! Wow, you're really good at slots! What are you lookin' at, you loser?! You idiot! "I've got a system!" Towel? No, thank you.
I'm fine.
Cologne? No.
I'm fine.
Mouthwash? No.
Thank you.
Cash plays.
Come on.
Come on! Damn it! Yes! Boxcars! That's me! Hey, where do you think you're going, red? I'm going home.
I'm broke.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You're not going anywhere.
Keep rollin'.
You sure? Roll.
Well, all right.
Let's go! Let's go.
Come on, baby! Yeah! Whoo! That's my boy! Ah ha ha ha! Let it ride! Let it ride! All right! Whoo-hoo! This is what I like to call "the cricket.
" Yeah! Ohh! We're lettin' it ride tonight! Yes! Whoo! All right.
Yes! I don't believe it! Yes! Yeah! Whoa.
Yeah! One more! One more! One-- [all moan.]
Well, hey.
Huh? Ha ha ha.
Well, red, that was a hell of a run.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Here.
A little something for your trouble.
Oh, I couldn't.
I--oh, my God.
These are hundreds.
You're worth it.
Well, thank you.
Say, red.
Why don't you come up to my room tonight, and we'll celebrate, huh? Oh, I can't.
I'm married.
So am I.
Just in case you change your mind.
OK.
Thank you.
OK.
Oh, my God.
You're a ho.
I am not a ho.
What else would you call it? Boy-toy.
No.
I was a luck-bringer.
Heh heh.
You're a ho.
Hey.
You knew what I was when you married me, woman! Come on.
I can't believe you, and you took money from some bathroom guy? OK, hold on.
Give me a little credit.
[Humming.]
Da da da Pa da da da da Towel.
Oh, yeah.
Thank you.
Oh, and, uh, my good man.
This This is for you.
Yeah, well, let's just say I had a good night.
Heh heh heh.
You're no high roller.
You're not even a roller.
Sure I am.
You're the one who took my 5 bucks.
Oh, no, no.
I--I--I invested it for you.
You lousy son of a-- Aaah! I can't believe you lied just so you could pretend you were better at Blackjack than I am at slots.
OK.
I might suck at Blackjack, but it's impossible to be good at slots.
I won, didn't I? Yeah, but not because you're good.
I won, didn't I? Fine, all right? Let's not talk about it.
I won, didn't I? OK, stop it! Ha ha ha! If it makes you feel any better, tonight sucked for me, too.
You know, can't you think of anybody but yourself? Yes, I can.
That's the whole point.
Now you gotta hear me out.
I made a huge personal sacrifice tonight.
Oh, man.
What? Nothing.
Um, I can't be doing this.
Shh.
Uh, I just gotta check on the kids.
Mm.
You're so devoted.
It's really Grrrr! It's just that if Henry doesn't hear that stupid tugboat story, he can't go to sleep.
Oh, that is so hot.
All right.
You're gonna have to get off of me.
I'm an uncle.
Hey, what's your name? Bobby.
Party's movin' to Bobby's house, everybody! Come on! [All cheer.]
It was weird.
I had pangs.
Pangs of responsibility.
It was new for me.
I haven't had responsibility pangs since I had that-- what was it? A cat or something? That's great, Ed, but it's a little late because Claudia and I are never gonna be able to leave town again.
What are you talking about? I did as good a job as you would've done.
You know, there's more to parenting than just pangs.
Good night, dad.
Good night, Henry.
I'll go upstairs and check your windows if you want.
No, that's OK.
I'm fine.
You sure? What about the headless horseman? You won't be scared? Nah.
Uncle Eddie gave me a secret weapon.
Oh, jeez! What the hell is that?! What is it?! Relax, dad.
It's just a head.
Yeah, see? That way, if the horseman comes, he can take that one, all severed and ready to go.
Sean: OK.
Come on, Dennis.
Now, see? You wouldn't have thought of that.
You're right.
I'm a good uncle.
You're adequate.
Why don't you go off and see your friend Lara? Yeah.
Maybe I'll bring her by sometime so you guys can meet her.
Just remember, you're a drunk, and you don't care about your kids.
Got it.
Claudia: And you're a ho! Hey.
Oh.
I feel great.
That stuff really works.
How the hell did I get here? "Tippy the tugboat tugged the freighter.
"Tippy the tugboat tugged the barge.
Tippy the tugboat--" oh, wait! Dennis can't see.
This is creepy.
Yeah.
You owe me.
Keep reading, party boy.
I already said I was sorry.
Dennis is getting bored.
Sure, he is.
Oh, well, "he tugged them, and he tugged them, and they lived happily ever after.
The end.
" Now it's time to go to bed, Henry.
OK.
Kisses.
Not me.
Dennis.
Kiss it!
Ha ha ha.
Oh, it's fantastic.
Oh, God.
This seat is so uncomfortable.
Oh, I know why.
'Cause I'm sitting on a gigantic wad of cash! [Both laugh.]
Do you mind? Excuse me? This bus is full of losers.
We don't want to hear about how much you won.
Hey, man.
Listen.
Here's 5 bucks.
Why don't you go sit up by the driver? [Both laugh.]
Whoo! Atlantic City rocks! Yeah.
I'm worried about leaving the kids alone.
Come on, baby.
We needed this vacation.
Ah! Uhh! Mom, I can't get any sleep.
Henry keeps turning the light on.
Honey, turn off the light.
I can't! The headless horseman wants my head.
Oh, Henry.
That was just a movie.
Sweetie, are we gonna go through this every single night? Till they catch him, yes.
All right.
Climb in.
[Telephone rings.]
That's for me.
Hello? Who's calling you at 2:00 in the morning? Yes, I'll accept the charges.
Ha ha.
I'm not saying it wasn't very nice to get away.
I just hope the kids are all right.
I'm sure they're fine.
They're with Eddie.
So? We got money now.
We don't need the kids to make us happy.
Come on.
Hey, come on.
Eddie was really into the idea.
Besides, we didn't have that many choices.
Oh, God.
Come on, dad.
You're sick.
No, I'm not.
Look, it's OK.
We'll go to Atlantic City some other time.
What about me? What? You'd baby-sit? I'd take a whack at it.
Sean: All right.
We're home.
I can see our house.
Claudia: Is it on fire? Uh, let me see.
Not visibly.
All right, Eddie! Yeow! Whoo! Ha ha! Hi.
I thought you guys were comin' home tomorrow.
No, we decided to quit when we were ahead.
[Both laugh.]
How's everything here? Here? Here? Everything's great here.
Just taking out some garbage.
You guys need stronger bags, you know? What the hell happened, Eddie? I just had Kenny over.
We watched the game.
So, what, you and Kenny each had, like, 47 beers? Kenny has a problem.
Uhhhh! I gotta go! We're out of mayonnaise! What the hell is dad doing here? You're pretty much looking at it.
Oh, my God.
He reeks of cough syrup.
[Sniffs.]
And you just reek.
That's Cologne, Ed.
The stink is getting into my mouth.
Look, Eddie.
Just tell me the boys are all right.
Oh, yeah.
They're fine.
I haven't heard a peep out of them.
OK.
I got all the cans out-- Heh.
Hello.
So, what you got there, Lily? Uh, recycling.
Just taking out the recycling, you know? Savin' the earth.
Ha ha.
Come on.
We know there was a party.
I did not throw a party.
Really? Yes.
The party was thrown at me.
So, my parents are going out of town this weekend.
They are? Yeah.
I'll have the house to myself if you know what I mean.
Heh heh.
Oh, yeah.
I know what you mean.
[Doorbell rings.]
Doesn't anybody check I.
D.
Anymore? How do kids get their hands on obscene quantities of beer? They got it from our refrigerator.
That was my beer?! Oh, God.
They ate the peanut butter and the onions, and what the hell? Was somebody eating the baking soda? They probably wanted to freshen their breath after they puked.
Oh, God.
Somebody puked? Yeah, in the meat drawer.
Ohh! That's it.
That's the last time you baby-sit.
What? Why? Look around.
How could you have let this happen? I was on top of things.
I got a little distracted.
By what? You know that girl who works in a bookstore by the coffee shop? No.
I've been wooing her.
Hi.
Can you tell me where your home improvement section is? I am thinking of installing a jacuzzi in my penthouse.
Do you have a self-help section for the hopelessly romantic? I've mastered this one.
Do you have anything more challenging? You know, for people with more endurance.
Aisle 4.
Ask for Jim.
Jim? OK.
So what? You get shot down all the time.
First of all, that hurt.
Second of all, things took a turn for the better.
Hey, look.
A book on craps.
I gotta see this.
Hey, what's with all the dice? Come on, guys.
I'll show you the art photos.
Nah.
I don't like art.
You'll like these.
Art rocks.
Hi.
Are you talking to me? It's so nice to see people reading with their children.
Oh.
They're not mine.
Oh.
I mean, they're basically mine.
I am their uncle, but their father, you know And you take care of them? Uh-huh.
That's so sweet.
How old are they? I'll be 13 in April.
I'm 27.
Ah ha ha! He's adorable.
He gets that from his uncle.
Oh.
No wonder you wanted to keep the boys this weekend.
It was perfectly innocent.
You used them as bait.
OK.
They were bait, but they had a good time.
Wow.
I've never had so much sugar.
I'm starting to see new colors.
It's just good to see them eat.
[Giggles.]
I can't believe it.
You made me out to this woman as some kind of drunk who starves his children? No, it's not you.
It's a character I invented.
"Evil Sean.
" What's goin' on? He's harshin' on me.
You totally dropped the ball, Eddie.
No, I did you a favor.
You're the one who wanted to try out your Blackjack system.
Oh, God.
Don't talk about the system.
All he could talk about the whole time was his stupid system.
Ah, yes.
Here we are.
Slot machines.
Oh, come on.
What? I'm good at slots.
Oh, please.
I am.
You can't be good at slots.
Well, I am.
Look, there's no such thing as "good at slots", OK? It's totally random.
A monkey could win money at slots.
Yes, if the monkey were good at slots.
Oh, God.
Come on, it's a game of chance.
Why don't you play a game of skill like Blackjack? I got a system.
Yes.
Yes, I heard about your system.
Well, apparently, you weren't listening too closely, 'cause you still insist on throwing money away on slots! Which I'm good at.
You can't be! Watch me.
Well, I won $85.
That's "good at slots.
" Whoa.
Well, how much did I win with my system? Wait a minute.
Whoa! It's almost too heavy to hold! Aah! Aah! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
While you two were in Atlantic City sipping dom perignon out of each other's shoes, guess where I was.
I was right here, protecting the little ones, sipping nothing from nobody's shoes.
Well, you know, we do appreciate it.
Thanks, Eddie.
You're welcome.
[Knock on door.]
Jimmy: Uncle Eddie, is that you? Yeah.
Jimmy: Let us out of here! Henry: Please! Are the boys locked in the basement? I don't think so.
Whoa.
Oh, it's so bright.
Oh, my God.
Hey, first rule of baby-sitting: Don't lock the children in the basement.
Go easy on them.
They're kids.
Dad.
Dad.
You really smell.
It's Cologne.
OK, come on, guys.
I'll make you some hot chocolate.
All right, Eddie.
So, how exactly did they get locked in the basement? I honestly don't know.
We were hanging out, having a good time, but at some point, my apartment just became an unsuitable environment.
[Giggles.]
Uh, Henry, close your club face.
You're hitting it off the toe.
Wow.
You are so good with your nephews.
Well, somebody's got to be.
Heh heh.
Ow! Whoa.
Come on.
Keep it in the fairway.
You OK? Yeah, I'm fine.
So, do you watch the boys all the time? Oh, yeah.
No, I mean, all the time? Come on.
Let's go.
Time to go.
But I'm 3 under! Move it.
[Doorbell rings.]
What the-- Thank you, Lily.
Noooooo! Well, it was nice of you not to just shove them out of a moving car.
Look, what I did was in their best interest and mine and my lady friend's.
It was a win-win-win.
Wow.
$860.
Mom? If you put all this in my college fund, I would have $868.
Yeah, Jimmy.
About those $8.
00 Mom, who's Joan? Who? Joan in room 608.
What is that? I found it in with dad's money.
I don't know anyone named Joan.
Well, she kissed this napkin.
Think.
Who do you know who really loves napkins? Lily, do you know where your brothers are? Yeah, they're-- They're-- Oh, my God.
Uh-uh-uh-uh.
We let 'em out.
What the hell were you thinking, lil? Dad, I was overwhelmed.
[Music playing.]
Dean, when I told you that my parents were gonna be out of town, I meant that we could spend the evening together.
Just the two of us.
Oh.
Oh! Party, man! Come on! Give me that.
[Telephone rings.]
Hello? Lily.
Well, I just had some cough medicine, and, uh-- What? Oh, no, no, no.
Don't worry.
If I take some of the non-drowsy, I'm sure it'll balance out.
[Doorbell rings.]
Oh, grandpa.
Thank God you're here.
I'm so sorry to wake you up, but this is an emergency.
Don't be silly.
I'm happy to help.
Hey, is that Chita Rivera? I owe her a punch in the nose! Grandpa! I need you to get all these people out of here.
I got it.
OK.
The music is going off.
Right after this song Which I like very much.
Oh, grandpa.
Are you all right? I'm great.
Oh, crap.
I didn't know what else to do.
I was just looking out for my little brothers.
Come on, Lily.
They wouldn't have been doing it out in the yard if they didn't want people to watch.
Uhh.
Get in the basement.
What if we get hungry? There's a freezer full of meat.
Don't think of it as "locked in the basement.
" Think of it as "protective custody.
" Sean? Yeah.
Hi.
When I was playing the slots, what were you doing? I was playing Blackjack.
Yeah, who's Joan? Ah? Joan.
I don't know a Joan.
Joan.
Joan.
Joan, room 608, with the burgundy lipstick! Oh, wow.
I've got no idea.
Oh, come-- It was in your pocket.
A lot of people wear these pants.
My God.
No wonder you smell like cheap perfume.
No, no, no, no.
It didn't happen like that at all.
See, I did go over to the Blackjack tables.
Yeah? What? Truth be told, my system wasn't as foolproof as I may have implied.
Cocktails? I think I'll have a lowenbrau.
Thank you.
Heh.
Queen-5, dealer showing 7.
Hit me.
Too many.
It's OK.
Just startin'.
Ha ha ha ha.
I'll stay.
Hit me, mama.
Ohh! Aah! Damn it! OK.
2 cowboys.
I stay.
What? Here's your beer.
OK.
You know what? That bores me.
Who is Joan?! You drove me to Joan.
What? I couldn't face you.
Why not? Because you were winning.
[Sirens wail.]
Whoo! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! I'm gonna need another bucket! Wow, you're really good at slots! What are you lookin' at, you loser?! You idiot! "I've got a system!" Towel? No, thank you.
I'm fine.
Cologne? No.
I'm fine.
Mouthwash? No.
Thank you.
Cash plays.
Come on.
Come on! Damn it! Yes! Boxcars! That's me! Hey, where do you think you're going, red? I'm going home.
I'm broke.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You're not going anywhere.
Keep rollin'.
You sure? Roll.
Well, all right.
Let's go! Let's go.
Come on, baby! Yeah! Whoo! That's my boy! Ah ha ha ha! Let it ride! Let it ride! All right! Whoo-hoo! This is what I like to call "the cricket.
" Yeah! Ohh! We're lettin' it ride tonight! Yes! Whoo! All right.
Yes! I don't believe it! Yes! Yeah! Whoa.
Yeah! One more! One more! One-- [all moan.]
Well, hey.
Huh? Ha ha ha.
Well, red, that was a hell of a run.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Here.
A little something for your trouble.
Oh, I couldn't.
I--oh, my God.
These are hundreds.
You're worth it.
Well, thank you.
Say, red.
Why don't you come up to my room tonight, and we'll celebrate, huh? Oh, I can't.
I'm married.
So am I.
Just in case you change your mind.
OK.
Thank you.
OK.
Oh, my God.
You're a ho.
I am not a ho.
What else would you call it? Boy-toy.
No.
I was a luck-bringer.
Heh heh.
You're a ho.
Hey.
You knew what I was when you married me, woman! Come on.
I can't believe you, and you took money from some bathroom guy? OK, hold on.
Give me a little credit.
[Humming.]
Da da da Pa da da da da Towel.
Oh, yeah.
Thank you.
Oh, and, uh, my good man.
This This is for you.
Yeah, well, let's just say I had a good night.
Heh heh heh.
You're no high roller.
You're not even a roller.
Sure I am.
You're the one who took my 5 bucks.
Oh, no, no.
I--I--I invested it for you.
You lousy son of a-- Aaah! I can't believe you lied just so you could pretend you were better at Blackjack than I am at slots.
OK.
I might suck at Blackjack, but it's impossible to be good at slots.
I won, didn't I? Yeah, but not because you're good.
I won, didn't I? Fine, all right? Let's not talk about it.
I won, didn't I? OK, stop it! Ha ha ha! If it makes you feel any better, tonight sucked for me, too.
You know, can't you think of anybody but yourself? Yes, I can.
That's the whole point.
Now you gotta hear me out.
I made a huge personal sacrifice tonight.
Oh, man.
What? Nothing.
Um, I can't be doing this.
Shh.
Uh, I just gotta check on the kids.
Mm.
You're so devoted.
It's really Grrrr! It's just that if Henry doesn't hear that stupid tugboat story, he can't go to sleep.
Oh, that is so hot.
All right.
You're gonna have to get off of me.
I'm an uncle.
Hey, what's your name? Bobby.
Party's movin' to Bobby's house, everybody! Come on! [All cheer.]
It was weird.
I had pangs.
Pangs of responsibility.
It was new for me.
I haven't had responsibility pangs since I had that-- what was it? A cat or something? That's great, Ed, but it's a little late because Claudia and I are never gonna be able to leave town again.
What are you talking about? I did as good a job as you would've done.
You know, there's more to parenting than just pangs.
Good night, dad.
Good night, Henry.
I'll go upstairs and check your windows if you want.
No, that's OK.
I'm fine.
You sure? What about the headless horseman? You won't be scared? Nah.
Uncle Eddie gave me a secret weapon.
Oh, jeez! What the hell is that?! What is it?! Relax, dad.
It's just a head.
Yeah, see? That way, if the horseman comes, he can take that one, all severed and ready to go.
Sean: OK.
Come on, Dennis.
Now, see? You wouldn't have thought of that.
You're right.
I'm a good uncle.
You're adequate.
Why don't you go off and see your friend Lara? Yeah.
Maybe I'll bring her by sometime so you guys can meet her.
Just remember, you're a drunk, and you don't care about your kids.
Got it.
Claudia: And you're a ho! Hey.
Oh.
I feel great.
That stuff really works.
How the hell did I get here? "Tippy the tugboat tugged the freighter.
"Tippy the tugboat tugged the barge.
Tippy the tugboat--" oh, wait! Dennis can't see.
This is creepy.
Yeah.
You owe me.
Keep reading, party boy.
I already said I was sorry.
Dennis is getting bored.
Sure, he is.
Oh, well, "he tugged them, and he tugged them, and they lived happily ever after.
The end.
" Now it's time to go to bed, Henry.
OK.
Kisses.
Not me.
Dennis.
Kiss it!