Grounded For Life (2001) s02e18 Episode Script

Hey, Lily, what's with the snazzy jacket? I joined a club at school.
You? You've never been a club joiner.
Well, now I'm in the sciencenauts.
The science nuts? So you're nuts about science, huh? It's not nuts, it's nauts.
Yeah, I just figured it was like astronuts.
That's astronauts.
Yeah, that's what I said.
So you're expecting company, huh? Yes, I am.
You are looking at the new president of the St.
Finnian's parents committee.
Ha ha.
What's the gag? I cannot tell a lie.
I chopped down that cherry tree, father.
What's up with him? Henry got the lead in the school play.
Whoa.
Hold on, now.
Claudia's doin' a Martha Stewart act, that little hambone has got the lead in the play, and Lily's in the science nuts? Dad, this is the new us, thanks to me, me and my greatness.
What are you talkin' about? All right, you know that new sign they put up next to the school with all the stupid sayings? Uh-huh.
God, that's lame.
Uh, yeah, it's-- It's really lame.
It's incredibly lame.
Yeah.
See ya.
Henry! I thought you were holding the ladder.
I cannot tell a lie.
I was not.
Unbelievable! It's a perfect anagram.
Not quite.
This was left over.
Cool.
Our boy's growing up.
Yeah.
He vandalized school property.
Dad, he rearranged school property.
Then Sister Helen got in this big snit about it.
It's not funny.
Come on.
It's very funny.
Well, obviously humor is subjective.
No, it's not.
I mean, there's some stuff that's funny to everybody, like, uh Caddyshack.
Caddyshackwas not funny.
What?! All right, I'll grant you Bill Murray with the gopher was great and I kinda liked Ted knight, but that-- Well, what about caddy day at the pool and the baby-- All right, that's enough.
Mr.
Finnerty, your son will be in detention for the next 30 days.
Wait a minute! You don't even know Jimmy's the one who did that.
Oh, I know.
I cannot tell a lie.
Jimmy did it.
Sister Helen, have you heard of a little thing called freedom of speech? Mr.
Finnerty, I hardly think Jimmy's right to deface my sign with a crack about cross-dressers is what the framers of the constitution had in mind.
Oh, I see.
So first it's Jimmy's little sign joke, and then, next thing you know, Lily can't write a report on Darwin.
And then all of a sudden you're burning copies of Catcher in the Rye! And then Henry's not even auditioning for the part of George Washington anymore.
No, no, no, no.
He's auditioning to play Joseph Stalin! I think you're being rather alarmist.
Oh, aye, aye, Sister Stalin! Your son vandalized private property! What? I'm sorry, I can't hear you, Sister Stalin.
Stop calling me that.
Oh, yes, sir, Sister Stalin, sir! Stop it.
I said stop it! Sister Stalin! Mr.
Finnerty [Bleep.]
you! Hello, Claudia.
Congratulations on being named the new committee president.
Thank you, Connie.
If you'd like, I could help you run the meeting tonight, considering that I was the president until yesterday.
Oh, that's sweet, but no.
But you haven't even been to a single meeting.
Then won't I give a nice, fresh perspective to tonight's meeting? Have a seat.
But I thought you might want me-- Uh-huh.
Sit your butt down.
Dad, I'm tellin' you-- Sister Helen would never curse.
You misheard.
She must have said, "forget you.
" Oh, come on, dad.
Nobody says, "forget you.
" I do it all the time.
Yeah, when you're watching Scarface on TV.
Come on, come on.
I know what I heard, and I was as shocked as you are.
Excuse me? Good day, Mr.
Finnerty.
W-w-w-what did you-- What did you just say? I said good day.
No! No, no.
She--she--you heard that, right? You heard that nun-- That nun--she just-- You heard her.
She--she just cussed me out! The nun just cussed-- That nun just cussed me out! She-- You heard her, God! I believe you, Sean.
Thanks, Eddie.
He also believes the aztecs invented television.
First of all, I prefaced by saying it was extremely primitive television.
You never listen to the prefaces.
You should just leave that poor nun alone.
You been torturing her for years.
Wait.
I've been torturing her? Uh-uh! No.
Since day one, she had it out for my family.
Well, that's your opinion, Mr.
Finnerty.
As usual, it just happens to be wrong.
Well, I'm sure I would see it your way, Mr.
Finnerty, if I were insane.
We thought it best to curtail Jimmy's altar boy activities for the moment.
Come on.
He thought it was grape juice.
No, I didn't.
He doesn't know what he's saying.
He's drunk.
Cut him some slack.
I'm a nun, Mr.
Finnerty.
I don't do slack.
Slack? All right.
Let's get you some coffee.
Well, maybe she wouldn't be onto your case all the time if you kept your kids in line.
I'm not saying we're perfect, all right? We make mistakes, but she's got this attitude.
She's always acting holier than thou.
She's a nun! She is holier than thou.
No, no, no, no, no, not anymore.
Not after she said the magic word.
It was incredible! I wish you'd have heard it, baby.
I mean, there's gotta be a list of words that nuns can't say, right? I guess.
And that word has to be in the top 5, right? I would imagine.
Come on, baby, this is important.
You don't even seem to care.
Oh, my God! What happened to your hands? I got stuck doing the sets for Henry's play.
I had to dye 15 bedsheets blue to make the Delaware river.
It's not fair.
I always get stuck with the crappy jobs.
Always.
Claudia! The rectory lot is full! Send all these cars over to the Jack in the box.
Connie, I don't think it's fair that I get parking duty always! Well, if you'd show up for the parent meetings Ugh! Come on! The meetings are all at 3:00 in the afternoon! I work! I'm sorry.
Oh, ostrich left a little business over by the bike rack.
I have a job.
I shouldn't get penalized just 'cause I can't make it to their stupid meetings.
I just wish someone had heard her! Oh, would you get off that? I can't.
I'm just saying, you know, that if she knew that I had proof that someone heard her, then I'd have her over a barrel.
I could change things.
You know, things could go good for our family for once.
I'll bet you could.
I definitely could.
Mmm, that would be nice.
Yeah! Oh, no, baby, I can't.
I can't.
I can't get it on with a smurf.
I'd do a teletubby in a heartbeat, though.
I once had an intimate encounter with a woman who was completely green.
Why was she green? I don't know.
You didn't ask? I didn't want to be rude.
Now, I propose that all the assignments for our parent duties be distributed in a random drawing.
That way old Connie here will have just as much a chance as I will of shoveling poop.
Well, Claudia, we've always used sign-up sheets.
Which you handed out at the meetings, which the working parents were not able to attend.
Right? All in favor, yeah? Aye, aye.
Great.
Next item.
Great to have some more working parents here tonight, isn't it, Connie? Terrific.
Uh-huh.
I see that on the to the botanical garden, which all kids hate, so come on, let's send them to the aquarium, right? Claudia, we went to the aquarium before and some of the animal behavior there is inappropriate for children.
What? The manta rays were Grindingat each other.
Kids are not getting ideas from manta rays, all right? Overruled.
Besides, you know, whatever they were doing, they were not having sex.
How do you know? Because the female lays an egg pouch in the sand.
At a later date, the male emits a cloud of sperm near the pouch.
They never have any physical contact.
It's actually rather sad.
What the hell are you doin'? What? What? You don't talk about Manly fluids in front of the ladies.
Oh, yeah? What, in this day and age, with nuns goin' around swearin', who's to say? They weren't swearin'.
Oh, come on, dad, if she didn't swear, how is it that my wife, who has never before attended a parents meeting, is now president of the committee, huh? You did that? Yes, I did.
All I had to do is prove that Sister Helen said what she said.
A difficult task for most, but then again, they're not as creative as I am.
Begin your confession, my child.
Hello, father, 'tis I--ahem-- Monsignor Reilly.
Monsignor Reilly? That's right.
I was just in the neighborhood doin' a little penance check, makin' sure you're not overdoin' it on the hail Marys, you see, ha ha.
Ha ha.
Yes.
Ahem! So this last confession, this nun, get me up to speed.
What was--what was her deal? Wha--wait.
Don't open-- What are you doing? OK, so I'm not monsignor Reilly, but I--I work for Sister Helen and she's very forgetful.
What did she just say? You're going to have to confess or get out.
Well, I think we can at least agree that she admitted to using profanity.
I can't admit to anything.
What happens in this confessional is absolutely confidential.
That is not true.
If she confessed to murder, you'd have to speak up.
No, I wouldn't.
Well, what she did is worse than murder.
Murder is much worse! Worse than what? What she did.
Aha, see? You're admitting she admitted it.
What--get out! But-- Get out! All right.
Out! OK.
OK.
Whoo! That felt good! No penance.
Total forgiveness.
You violated the sanctity of the confessional.
That's a mortal sin.
No, it's not.
Dad's right.
That's a mortal sin.
Oh, come on, what, you're takin' dad's side? I got no problem with it, but it is what it is.
OK, look, I'm sorry, all right? I was desperate.
I didn't know what to do, but then, as if God himself spoke, a ray of light shown through.
Oh, God.
Ohh.
Hello.
Yeah, this is him.
What? Name the place.
I'll be right there.
Mr.
Finnerty? Aah! I can help you.
Cool.
You don't want kids goin' off campus to buys snacks, right? So if you allow me to put vending machines in the hallways, in the cafeteria, in the gym, your problem is solved.
And the profits would benefit St.
Finnian's.
What? Claudia.
Hey! Chair recognizes him, so shut your pie hole.
Ahh.
So who was this guy in the schoolyard? An ally, dad.
When it comes to hatin' Sister Helen, the shadows are filled with fellow travelers.
Who are you? Show yourself.
It's you.
Yes.
Oh, my--you're, um David Kersey.
Kersey, right! The, um You're Kersey, the science teacher.
Yeah, science teacher! I know what happened.
Mr.
Finnerty, I was there.
You were? I heard it when Sister Helen-- Said the wordy dirt.
Excuse me? Good day, Mr.
Finnerty.
No.
What did you just say? I said good day.
No, no, no, no, no.
Did--did--did-- Yes! I've been bristling under that woman's iron fist for 6 years now.
I call her Sister Stalin.
That's witty.
Thank you.
I'm always the last one in line to get equipment.
She's using my classroom for storage, and now--now she's threatening to disband the sciencenauts.
The science nuts? Not nuts, nauts! Like a science club, but it's much hipper and more dynamic.
She wants to disband the sciencenauts? Is there nothing this woman will stop at? Come on.
You gotta help me nail her! I'm afraid I can't do that, but take this.
A key? This is the key to the faculty lounge.
It'll prove you have a friend on the inside.
Ah, but I need something from you first.
Join the sciencenauts? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He thinks that if you joined and encouraged some of your friends to join, it would give it a whole new energy.
Ha.
No way! No way.
The sciencenauts are hopeless geeks.
What are you guys doing? Sciencenauts project.
It's a solar-powered clock.
It doesn't say anything.
We're waiting for the clouds to pass.
Oh.
Well, I could tell you what time it is.
No! No! No! Fine.
Fine.
It's 8:23! No! No! Oh! Aww! I can't join the sciencenauts.
The chess club mocks the sciencenauts.
Hey, this isn't just about me, all right? You do this, and I'll have Sister Helen in the palm of my hand and then I can get stuff for you, too.
Like what? You tell me.
Well, holy Trinity and St.
Anthony's have casual Fridays twice a month.
They don't have to wear their stupid uniforms.
If you could get that for me I can If you play some ball.
Well, I have to disagree with Lily's characterization of 'em.
You know, I was a founding member of the sciencenauts.
Ha.
Oh, yeah.
I remember.
OK, sciencenauts, our electricity bill was $300 last month and you have yet to grow a single tomato.
You just gotta be patient, sister, you know? I think we're startin' to bud.
Look at that.
Those were some good tomatoes, right? Yeah, those were some bad-ass tomatoes.
Well, how come I never got any of those tomatoes? Would somebody please stop him? Oh, I cannot tell a lie.
I chopped down the cherry tree, father.
I'm pretty sure that George Washington didn't have a bad British accent.
How do you know? You ever meet George Washington? Did you? I am George Washington.
No, you're not! God.
So you forced your daughter to join this club.
No, I didn't force her.
I brokered a deal, a deal in which everybody wins.
Well, everybody but one.
I don't have time for you today, Mr.
Finnerty.
I'm very busy.
I'll make this short and sweet.
I got a witness.
Mr.
Finnerty-- He's from your own faculty.
You're bluffing, Mr.
Finnerty, and badly.
Oh, am I? Then how would I have gotten my hands on this? Yes, yes, a key to your faculty lounge.
That could be for anything.
Oh! Well, shall we try it out? Could be a copy.
It says, "do not duplicate.
" What do you want from me, Mr.
Finnerty? Yeah, I like that.
I like the sound of that.
"What do you want from me, Mr.
Finnerty"? That's good.
What are you doing? Just trying to memorize that look on your face.
Just name it already.
So I got Jimmy off detention, I got Henry the lead in the school play, I got Lily her casual Fridays, and for my lovely wife, a seat on the board, which now meets conveniently around her schedule.
All from driving a nun to profanity.
Yep.
By being a jackass.
Yeah! Hey, I'm allowed, you know.
I never took some kind of anti-jackass oath, which sadly, for the poor sister, she did.
Hello, Edwin.
Sister, come on in.
But try to watch the language.
There's kids here.
Mr.
Finnerty, could we speak for a minute? Alone.
All right.
You gonna behave? Bake sales earn a lot of money, and they're a heck of a lot of fun, don't you think? Not even a little.
Rejected.
Look, I don't know what you want from me, Sister Helen, but, uh You're not gonna get it.
I don't want anything from you, Mr.
Finnerty.
You've got me.
That's right, I do.
Yes, and I can't go on living like this anymore-- The fear of exposure, the lies.
Aww, well, you know, you should've thought of that before you said what you said.
You're right, Mr.
Finnerty.
Call monsignor Reilly.
You'll be rid of me, just like you always wanted.
Here's his number.
You really don't think I'm gonna call him, do you? Oh, I want you to call him.
Well, good, 'cause I'm gonna.
Yeah.
Good.
Why? Because I did it.
I said something I shouldn't have said.
I'm not perfect.
I'm just a person.
But I've dedicated my life to trying to maintain a higher standard which I fell far short of, so Make the call.
Oh, God, woman! You're sucking all the fun out of this! Well, I guess there is some good in you.
Ah, whatever.
By the way, Mr.
Kersey wants his key back.
Wait a minute.
You knew it was him? Well, of course! I mean, it wasn't very difficult to figure it out.
Brad, left hand, beryllium.
B-beryllium? OK, you're not getting to beryllium that way, Brad.
Ha ha.
Ha-a-a-a.
OK, Lily.
Left foot, Mercury.
Where's Mercury? Right in front of me.
Oh! It was so obvious.
The last time they had a girl in sciencenauts, they were trying to build one, but I've shown Mr.
Kersey the error of his ways.
So you had Kersey in your pocket this whole time? Mmm Yes.
Th-th-this whole apology thing was just a ruse? Mm-hmm.
Oh, God, no.
Oh, no, this is not happening! What are you doin'? Just trying to memorize the look on your face.
Ha ha ha.
Oh, and, uh, by the way, Jimmy's detention, casual Friday, everything goes back the way it was.
Oh, Sister Helen, I am so glad to hear you say that, because this parent committee desperately needs my leadership.
No.
But Claudia's ruining everything! I don't like you.
Mrs.
Finnerty, continue.
But--but Finnerty's large and in charge! Whoo! Yes, well, I just hope it was worth all your effort.
Oh, it was! This thing isn't over.
No, no, no.
Not by a long shot! Henry's only in the third grade.
I can still have more kids-- She just flipped me off! Claudia! Sister Helen just flipped me off! She gave me the finger! I was scratching my nose! Nobody scratches their nose with that finger! Come on! I measure live crusty falcons.
Not quite.
Ivan slams your clams! No, baby.
That doesn't even use half the letters.
Feast on my vile circus.
You, sir, face my evil smut! Visualize a semierect carney, floe.
Who's floe? It was either floe or olef.
I'm getting cold.
I have lava in my smurf crease.
That's good.
That's really good!