Hacks (2021) s01e07 Episode Script
Tunnel of Love
1
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
Hey.
Hi.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
Housekeeping! Hello? Housekeeping.
- [KNOCKING CONTINUES.]
- No, no, nope.
No, no.
Not today.
Thanks.
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
[SCOFFS.]
[GROANS.]
[MID-TEMPO FUTURISTIC MUSIC.]
♪ [CELL PHONE RINGING.]
- You still mad at me? - Heh.
I could never stay mad at you.
How you doing? Good.
Busy.
Great.
Hey, you free for lunch today? No, sorry.
Um I have to do press for the big show, and then I'm throwing DJ her 35th birthday party.
Ah.
So I guess dinner's out too, then? Yeah, unfortunately.
Well, hey.
Why don't you come? I'm sure DJ would love to see you, and you'd actually be helping me out.
I always have to pad these parties.
Turns out that being in Narcotics Anonymous this long has left her with friends that are all anonymous.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, okay.
I'll see you tonight, then.
Bye.
[CHUCKLES.]
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
Is this your makeup bag? 'Cause it's, like, mostly half-smoked joints and used Q-tips.
- Yeah, that's it.
- Okay.
- No, I'm using mine.
- [LAUGHS.]
Ugh, I'm so glad I got tonight off.
Plus, I really need a break from Luna.
She's just going through this, like, really intense stage where she absolutely hates me.
I mean, like, I know she's just a baby, but, like, it still hurts.
Like, last night, she said, "Luna no love Mama.
" I'm like, "You've only met, like, three people in your whole life, and you hate the best one?" Ugh, I'm sorry, Kiki.
- That's really hard.
- Yeah.
Do you have, like, a Beautyblender? Like, you know, like, an eggy sponge? Um - Why'd I even ask? - No, I I usually just use my fingers, 'cause makeup doesn't really have rules.
Mm-mm.
Makeup absolutely has rules.
Oh, no.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
[MUFFLED UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
Fire the hors d’œuvres.
Josefina told me to wait until at least half the guests arrive.
Josefina! Josefina? Hi, um, I think that there's been a little bit of a misunderstanding.
People are under the false impression that you're running this party.
Damien, I am the House Manager.
So, first, do not yell my name.
And second, this party is under my jurisdiction, and what I say goes.
Well, I'm Deborah's personal assistant, and I'm in charge of all of her events, so Again, I'm the House Manager, and this event is in the house, so Fire the hors d'œuvres.
Yeah.
Fire the hors d'œuvres.
[JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
♪ Deborah, you know Wilson.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Ah, so you're the mystery date.
- Mm-hmm.
You look so different without your fluorescent vest on.
Not better.
Just different.
Well, thank you for having me.
Yes, well, please help yourself to some champagne.
Are you still angry at me about the shapewear? Is that what this is all about? It's not about you, Deborah.
I like him.
Mm-hmm.
Deborah! My God, I'm so happy to be here! I had to get out of the freaking house so bad.
Ava, you look pretty.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Really? Thanks.
- You look - You! No, no, no.
Are those Bellinis? No, no, no, those are not to be served until the puff pastry comes out.
Am I blushing? No clue.
I use high-coverage foundation.
It's basically paint.
[LAUGHS.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
♪ - ALL: Ooh! - Oh, my God.
Does that look familiar? Sir, was this yours? But a creative way, but still Ladies.
[CHUCKLES.]
Deborah.
- Marty.
- Madame Mayor.
Oh, Marty! Oh, so good to see you again.
Now, where's your lovely little girlfriend this evening? No, she's not coming.
[CHUCKLES.]
Jeez.
Well, she's nuts, huh? If I were her, I wouldn't let you out of my sight.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, we actually broke up.
Ah.
Good to know.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay! The birthday girl has arrived! Happy birthday, dear.
Hi.
Hi.
You look cute.
Thank you! Well, you must be Aidan.
It's so nice to finally meet you.
- DJ sent me clips of all your fights.
I'm starstruck.
- Thank you, ma'am.
Excuse me, Ms.
Vance, do you have a second Oh, hope you didn't give him the shiner, sweetie.
[LAUGHS.]
Ooh, Ava! Ava, come here.
Come meet my man.
Ava, this is the love of my life.
Aidan, this is my girlfriend, Ava.
Hey.
Nice to meet you.
- Pleasure.
- Oh, wow.
- Firm grip.
- Oh, yeah.
His body's his career.
He's the current Tuff-N-Uff MMA welterweight champ.
Ooh, feel his muscle! Babe, don't flex.
Just grab on.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Wow.
- Right? - Crazy, yeah.
- Right? Okay, babe, now flex.
- You want me to - Get back in there.
Just, I He's flexed now.
[GASPS.]
Okay.
- Yep.
- Double puka shells? You look so cute.
That was actually the first time I went on tour with Deborah.
Was that before or after her joke about crackheads? Uh, well, I believe she changed it to opioids, so Oh, okay.
Instead of being about Black people, it's about poor people.
- [SCOFFS.]
- I mean, it just must, like, suck to work for a white lady for 20 years, or whatever.
[GROANS.]
Sadly, Cosby wasn't hiring.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, my God.
How did you start working for her? Well, she was my favorite comedian growing up, which should've been my first clue that I was gay.
That, and the double puka shells.
- Correct.
- [LAUGHS.]
And when I was 18, I drove my mom's Cimarron for three hours to see Deborah's show in D.
C.
, and she was incredible.
And I stayed after for her to autograph this shirt that I made with her face on the front, and she got a kick out of it.
And then I told her she needed to seriously reconsider her idea of brand merchandising.
[CHUCKLES.]
And she offered me a job on the spot.
I've been with her ever since.
That's cool.
I've been talking about myself too much.
Uh, what's your story? How did you become a water cop? Monster.
com.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Uploaded my résumé and got the job.
And I get that hating me is part of her development, but it's also part of her development to know that I have more friends than her.
Isn't she three? - Exactly.
- [LAUGHS.]
Now, show me one.
Where is he? [LAUGHS.]
You think she thinks he's funny? [BOTH LAUGHING.]
I mean, she's laughing, so, yeah? What's the deal with them? Mm, I think they have some history.
There's, like, a vibe between them, and, I don't know.
I ship it.
["JURASSIC PARK" THEME PLAYING SOFTLY ON PIANO.]
♪ ♪ - Is is this - The "Jurassic Park" theme.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
♪ She's pretty good.
Mm, 100 grand on piano lessons.
This is all she learned to play.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- Well, it's pretty timeless.
Plus, they just rebooted the franchise.
- What a boon.
- [CHUCKLES.]
♪ [APPLAUSE.]
Thank you! Thank you.
I wanted to take a moment and share some very exciting news with all of you, my nearest and dearest.
Aidan and I are engaged! [ALL SHOUTING.]
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God! I know, I know! So it's not only my birthday party, but it's also my engagement party.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Oh! Congrats, honey.
Thanks, Mom.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Whoo-whoo.
Ah ooh.
[CHUCKLES.]
[GUESTS CHATTERING.]
- Hey, excuse me, sir.
- Thank you.
- Well - Oh, no, no, no, no.
No more for him.
No, he likes to conserve.
Yoo-hoo! Marty.
How's your beef? Hey.
How about after we get done with our entrées, why don't we all change seats? Just kind of switch it up a little bit.
- How about that? - No.
That's not how this is gonna work.
Did anybody else witness that? Okay, I I had, like, a I had a sex-ish dream about Deborah this morning.
- Whoa.
- And it's obviously whatever, because I've had sex dreams about a lot of people, but for some reason, I'm just feeling, like, really weird about this one.
Oh, babe, you probably just had a sex dream about Deborah because she's fucking hot.
Yeah.
She is, but I don't know, maybe this is about power? Or because we had a really intense bonding experience - on that trip we went on.
- Mm-hmm.
But also, she's mean to me.
So, am I weirdly into that? Ugh, psychologically, very bad sign.
This is exactly how women end up dating men in tech.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Or is it just 'cause I watched "Carol" last night? Oh, you watched "Carol" last night? Well, then it's definitely just about "Carol," duh.
Oh, I'm sorry about you and Ivy.
Ah, it's okay.
I couldn't trust her.
She let a woman roam through my house - Ah.
- Take pictures.
Oh, so it's my fault? [CHUCKLES.]
No.
No.
She's just not the woman for me.
[GLASS CLINKING.]
Hi.
I just wanted to thank you all so much for coming, and especially thank you to my mom for hosting.
- Yep.
- And also, I wanted to let you know that my jewelry will be in three Trish's boutiques.
- Yes.
- Ah, that's right! D'Jewelry is gonna be at Trish's! - Is that good? - It's major.
[APPLAUSE.]
I am engaged to the love of my life, and I have honestly never been happier.
So just thank you to every single one of you for making this night so special.
Cheers.
ALL: Cheers.
- Okay, Ava, your turn.
- Hmm? Oh.
Oh, we're all doing speeches? It's my birthday.
- Yeah, okay.
- Yeah.
No problem.
Uh DJ Are you gonna sit while you do it? - No.
- I figured you'd stand.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[SIGHS.]
DJ you self-tumble your own rocks, which, well, frankly, rocks.
[LAUGHS.]
Um You know, I've honestly never met anyone like you.
And I think it's so brave that you're not afraid to march to the beat of your own drum.
And I think it's really cool that you found someone who loves you for exactly who you are.
Which is a really great person.
ALL: Aww.
Happy birthday.
To DJ.
Thank you.
DJ, for your birthday, it is my great honor and privilege as the mayor of Las Vegas to present you with a key to the city of Las Vegas.
[GUESTS OOHING.]
- Oh, another one.
- Now, this key in particular is one of my favorites, and I've had to take I swear, she'll give the key to the city to anyone.
[CHUCKLES.]
She probably tips with it at Starbucks.
[BOTH CHUCKLING.]
Was one of one of a dear friend of mine for a couple of weeks, and DJ says it's her 35th birthday, so we're doing 35 candles.
I threw her 35th before you were even here.
- No one's gonna buy it.
- Yes, they will.
She looks incredible.
I'll go down to 38.
Take it or leave it.
I'll take it.
But now, what is the color story now? - Gold and pink.
- Pink I think just pink.
So, thank you for giving me an excuse to live my own life.
Because, honestly, it's nice to be with people who actually wanna be around me and not just suck on my titties for milk, and then turn on me, you know? Hear, hear.
So, happy birthday, DJ, and congrats on Trish's.
They have some really cute stuff there.
So nice.
Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Hear, hear.
Cheers.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I'm sorry, I'm not very good at this kind of thing.
And, uh, especially nervous to do it in front of a world-famous comedian, so [GUESTS CHUCKLE.]
I'll keep it brief.
Um DJ, I love you.
Happy birthday.
ALL: Aww.
Whoa.
Very brief.
[APPLAUSE.]
Okay.
You're up, Mom.
Saved the best for last.
[EXHALES.]
Happy birthday, DJ.
This is getting scary.
Pretty soon, you're gonna be the same age as me.
[LAUGHTER.]
You know, DJ, we haven't always seen eye to eye, and I know that you like to say that actually my career is my favorite child, but that's not true.
I like you both the same.
[LAUGHTER.]
I've been thinking a lot about the past lately.
I had DJ very young, so as a child, she always accompanied me on the road.
You know, always at my side.
And I know some people didn't think that was a very good parenting choice, raising a toddler in comedy clubs.
But for someone who lost their parents very young [CLEARS THROAT.]
I knew that I would've given anything to spend more time with them.
So I thought it was best that you be with me.
For better or worse.
And for me, at least, it was always better.
Um, but now you have Aidan by your side.
And if he loves you half as much as I do, then he's a keeper.
Plus, he's got a great left hook.
[LAUGHTER.]
Cheers.
ALL: Cheers.
Oh, and, as an engagement gift, I'm paying my lawyer to draw up your prenup.
[LAUGHTER.]
So romantic.
Thanks.
But we decided we're just gonna go ahead and do the old-fashioned thing and get married, no prenup.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Okay, honey.
Leave the jokes to me.
[LAUGHTER.]
It's not a joke.
We're not gonna get a prenup.
Oh, you are absolutely getting a prenup.
How about when you get married, you can get yourself a prenup? But we are not doing one.
This isn't up for discussion.
I'm doing what's best for you.
Okay, I am a grown -up, and you can't make me.
I taught you better than this.
Don't be stupid.
Laurie says it is not stupid to trust my feelings, and right now, I She's not even a psychologist.
She's a social worker! And if she can't figure out her adult acne, she certainly can't figure out your life.
I said don't Google her! That's what I said! You know, the sex tape, and the Scientology stint, I could handle, but this? You know, you've really outdone yourself.
You know what? This is so stupid.
It doesn't even matter.
It's not your money.
Oh, please.
Your whole life is my money.
You know what? You're just jealous because someone actually loves me.
I give it two weeks.
One, if he's smart.
Happy Birthday to you ♪ [ALL JOIN IN.]
Happy Birthday to you ♪ Happy Birthday, dear DJ ♪ Thanks a lot, Mom.
Who wants cake? [CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
♪ [PHONE BUZZING.]
Hey, where are you? - I'm home.
- Wait, what? I I thought you were in the bathroom.
I told them not to clear your dessert! I know, I'm sorry.
That fight just made me realize that I gotta make it work with Luna.
I'm actually in her bed with her right now.
I forgive her.
She forgives me.
It's all water under the bridge.
And I've been thinking.
You should really go for it with Deborah.
Maybe it'll help you figure things out? Uh, no, I'm not gonna go for it.
I'm gonna eat your dessert and go home.
Okay.
Bye, girl.
Okay, bye.
Ava? Would you mind talking to DJ? She's really upset.
- Me? - Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, of course.
All right, she's upstairs.
- Okay.
- Hey, thank you.
Yeah.
Shit's $600.
Okay.
God.
She's such a bitch.
Did you hear her back there? Who talks to their kid like that? I totally understand.
But I think she's just trying to protect you, in her own fucked up way.
Well, it doesn't feel like it! To yeah.
Maybe she's just, like, scared? And she's just not wanting to see anything taken away from you the way it was taken away from her? Fuck! I just had this fantasy that she'd just see that things were going well for me, you know? And maybe be proud of me.
And things would I don't fucking know, be normal for once? - I hear you.
- [EXHALES.]
That's totally fair.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry to dump all this on you.
I don't mean to.
I just feel like you get it when it comes to her.
Yeah, I do.
Honestly, my closest relationship right now is with your mom.
Right.
[CHUCKLES.]
I've never been this close to someone I'm not hooking up with, which means [LAUGHS.]
I just have a fucked up sense of intimacy.
It's not that I'm actually attracted to your mom.
[EXHALES.]
Oh.
What? That was nothing.
Um, DJ, it's, like, the most normal thing in the world to want your mom to be proud of you, you know? And she can definitely get in your head.
But, um I I don't know.
Maybe stop waiting for her to be proud of you, and start doing things that make you feel proud of yourself.
Yeah.
Yep, that actually makes sense.
Thank you.
- Can you drive us home? - Of course.
Hey, how come you're not wearing my earrings? - Oh, I - It's fine.
- I have some extra in my bag.
- Great.
Hope you enjoyed the free show! Happy birthday.
[CAR ENGINE STARTS.]
I'm just driving them home.
Have fun.
[CHUCKLES.]
Your car is ready at the valet, Ms.
Pezzimenti.
I'm not quite ready to go just yet.
Marty and I are in the middle of a very stimulating conversation.
He's just in the little boys' room.
The party was 7:00 to 10:00.
Those times are not real.
You understand that? I'm just gonna wait here until Marty gets back, though.
I don't want to be rude.
You have no power here.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
♪ Jeez.
Okay.
Feel like I'm being arrested or something.
♪ Okay, pull right up in here.
Wait.
In here? What am I turning around in here? Nope.
We're here.
Oh, shit.
No.
["BRIDAL CHORUS" PLAYING.]
No, no, no.
Don't get married right now.
DJ, don't do this just to piss off your mom.
I'm not.
Ava, you were right.
I gotta start doing things for me.
And getting married right now is what we wanna do.
No.
I I was thinking more along the lines of, like, taking a pottery class or getting your GED.
My GED? I went to Cornell.
Y yeah.
And I I know that, which which is why you're smart enough to know not to do this Hello.
Welcome to the Tunnel of Love.
Hi.
Thank you.
Ah, the "MJ Package"? No shit.
Michael Jackson? No, no.
Michael Jordan.
Oh.
- No? - No.
[CHUCKLES.]
Last man standing? Looks like it.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's good.
Good, I, um - I wanted to - [CELL PHONE RINGING.]
Oh.
Thank you.
- I wanted to - [CELL PHONE RINGING.]
[SIGHS.]
Hello? Hey.
Uh, so, don't freak out, but DJ DJ's getting married.
Like like, right now.
What? N no, where are you? We're at a drive-through chapel.
Look, I tried to stop her, but she's doing it.
And I I really think you'd regret it if you weren't a part of this, so just watch, okay? Please? Okay.
Okay.
Ow, these D'Jewels are fucking heavy.
[CAR DOOR SENSOR BEEPING.]
Okay.
We're gathered here this evening to celebrate the true love between [CAR ENGINE REVS.]
Oh, shit.
Sorry.
Sorry.
My foot hit the gas.
Sorry.
I'm turning it off.
Okay.
Go ahead, go ahead.
We're gathered here to celebrate your love.
You've chosen to recite your own vows? Yeah.
Now would be the time.
DJ, when you walked into my life, I realized how much I'd been missing.
The only problem is, you made me a worse fighter.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Before you, I didn't care what happened to me in the cage.
But now, I gotta be careful.
Because I can't risk anything ruining the life that we're gonna build together.
[CHUCKLES.]
Aidan, I know that I'm not always the easiest person to love, but you always see the best in me, and you always make loving me feel like the easiest thing in the world.
Thank you for teaching me how to love myself.
Aidan, do you take Deborah Junior to be your lawful wedded wife? I do.
[LAUGHS.]
And Deborah Junior, do you take Aidan to be your lawful wedded husband? I do.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Okay, I'm gonna go.
[SIGHS.]
Leave it to her.
[LAUGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Congratulations.
[LAUGHS.]
God.
Not every day your daughter gets married.
Hey, you know what this calls for? [WHISPERING.]
Champagne.
[SNIFFS.]
Be right back.
[EXHALES.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Well, at least now I don't have to worry about walking her down the aisle.
You know how I hate attention.
[LAUGHS.]
[BONNIE RAIT'S "SINCE I FELL FOR YOU" PLAYS.]
Ah, now this is the one I was waiting for.
Oh, I love this song.
You'd better let love ♪ May I ask the mother of the bride for this dance? Oh, my God.
"Mother of the bride"? - [CHUCKLES.]
- [GIGGLES.]
I know it so ♪ And yet I know ♪ [CHUCKLES.]
I can't get you out of my heart ♪ ♪ You ♪ Made me leave my happy home ♪ Thanks for coming.
I was happy to be here.
You took my love and now ♪ Me too.
♪ Since I fell for you ♪ ♪ Love ♪ Brings such misery and pain ♪ I guess I'll never be the same ♪ ♪ Since I fell for you ♪ Well it's too bad ♪ And it's too sad ♪ But I'm in love with you ♪ ♪ You love me ♪ Then you snub me ♪ But what can I do ♪ When I'm still in love with you? ♪ ♪ I ♪
Hey.
Hi.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
Housekeeping! Hello? Housekeeping.
- [KNOCKING CONTINUES.]
- No, no, nope.
No, no.
Not today.
Thanks.
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
[SCOFFS.]
[GROANS.]
[MID-TEMPO FUTURISTIC MUSIC.]
♪ [CELL PHONE RINGING.]
- You still mad at me? - Heh.
I could never stay mad at you.
How you doing? Good.
Busy.
Great.
Hey, you free for lunch today? No, sorry.
Um I have to do press for the big show, and then I'm throwing DJ her 35th birthday party.
Ah.
So I guess dinner's out too, then? Yeah, unfortunately.
Well, hey.
Why don't you come? I'm sure DJ would love to see you, and you'd actually be helping me out.
I always have to pad these parties.
Turns out that being in Narcotics Anonymous this long has left her with friends that are all anonymous.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, okay.
I'll see you tonight, then.
Bye.
[CHUCKLES.]
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
Is this your makeup bag? 'Cause it's, like, mostly half-smoked joints and used Q-tips.
- Yeah, that's it.
- Okay.
- No, I'm using mine.
- [LAUGHS.]
Ugh, I'm so glad I got tonight off.
Plus, I really need a break from Luna.
She's just going through this, like, really intense stage where she absolutely hates me.
I mean, like, I know she's just a baby, but, like, it still hurts.
Like, last night, she said, "Luna no love Mama.
" I'm like, "You've only met, like, three people in your whole life, and you hate the best one?" Ugh, I'm sorry, Kiki.
- That's really hard.
- Yeah.
Do you have, like, a Beautyblender? Like, you know, like, an eggy sponge? Um - Why'd I even ask? - No, I I usually just use my fingers, 'cause makeup doesn't really have rules.
Mm-mm.
Makeup absolutely has rules.
Oh, no.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
[MUFFLED UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
Fire the hors d’œuvres.
Josefina told me to wait until at least half the guests arrive.
Josefina! Josefina? Hi, um, I think that there's been a little bit of a misunderstanding.
People are under the false impression that you're running this party.
Damien, I am the House Manager.
So, first, do not yell my name.
And second, this party is under my jurisdiction, and what I say goes.
Well, I'm Deborah's personal assistant, and I'm in charge of all of her events, so Again, I'm the House Manager, and this event is in the house, so Fire the hors d'œuvres.
Yeah.
Fire the hors d'œuvres.
[JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
♪ Deborah, you know Wilson.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Ah, so you're the mystery date.
- Mm-hmm.
You look so different without your fluorescent vest on.
Not better.
Just different.
Well, thank you for having me.
Yes, well, please help yourself to some champagne.
Are you still angry at me about the shapewear? Is that what this is all about? It's not about you, Deborah.
I like him.
Mm-hmm.
Deborah! My God, I'm so happy to be here! I had to get out of the freaking house so bad.
Ava, you look pretty.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Really? Thanks.
- You look - You! No, no, no.
Are those Bellinis? No, no, no, those are not to be served until the puff pastry comes out.
Am I blushing? No clue.
I use high-coverage foundation.
It's basically paint.
[LAUGHS.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
♪ - ALL: Ooh! - Oh, my God.
Does that look familiar? Sir, was this yours? But a creative way, but still Ladies.
[CHUCKLES.]
Deborah.
- Marty.
- Madame Mayor.
Oh, Marty! Oh, so good to see you again.
Now, where's your lovely little girlfriend this evening? No, she's not coming.
[CHUCKLES.]
Jeez.
Well, she's nuts, huh? If I were her, I wouldn't let you out of my sight.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, we actually broke up.
Ah.
Good to know.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay! The birthday girl has arrived! Happy birthday, dear.
Hi.
Hi.
You look cute.
Thank you! Well, you must be Aidan.
It's so nice to finally meet you.
- DJ sent me clips of all your fights.
I'm starstruck.
- Thank you, ma'am.
Excuse me, Ms.
Vance, do you have a second Oh, hope you didn't give him the shiner, sweetie.
[LAUGHS.]
Ooh, Ava! Ava, come here.
Come meet my man.
Ava, this is the love of my life.
Aidan, this is my girlfriend, Ava.
Hey.
Nice to meet you.
- Pleasure.
- Oh, wow.
- Firm grip.
- Oh, yeah.
His body's his career.
He's the current Tuff-N-Uff MMA welterweight champ.
Ooh, feel his muscle! Babe, don't flex.
Just grab on.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Wow.
- Right? - Crazy, yeah.
- Right? Okay, babe, now flex.
- You want me to - Get back in there.
Just, I He's flexed now.
[GASPS.]
Okay.
- Yep.
- Double puka shells? You look so cute.
That was actually the first time I went on tour with Deborah.
Was that before or after her joke about crackheads? Uh, well, I believe she changed it to opioids, so Oh, okay.
Instead of being about Black people, it's about poor people.
- [SCOFFS.]
- I mean, it just must, like, suck to work for a white lady for 20 years, or whatever.
[GROANS.]
Sadly, Cosby wasn't hiring.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, my God.
How did you start working for her? Well, she was my favorite comedian growing up, which should've been my first clue that I was gay.
That, and the double puka shells.
- Correct.
- [LAUGHS.]
And when I was 18, I drove my mom's Cimarron for three hours to see Deborah's show in D.
C.
, and she was incredible.
And I stayed after for her to autograph this shirt that I made with her face on the front, and she got a kick out of it.
And then I told her she needed to seriously reconsider her idea of brand merchandising.
[CHUCKLES.]
And she offered me a job on the spot.
I've been with her ever since.
That's cool.
I've been talking about myself too much.
Uh, what's your story? How did you become a water cop? Monster.
com.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Uploaded my résumé and got the job.
And I get that hating me is part of her development, but it's also part of her development to know that I have more friends than her.
Isn't she three? - Exactly.
- [LAUGHS.]
Now, show me one.
Where is he? [LAUGHS.]
You think she thinks he's funny? [BOTH LAUGHING.]
I mean, she's laughing, so, yeah? What's the deal with them? Mm, I think they have some history.
There's, like, a vibe between them, and, I don't know.
I ship it.
["JURASSIC PARK" THEME PLAYING SOFTLY ON PIANO.]
♪ ♪ - Is is this - The "Jurassic Park" theme.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
♪ She's pretty good.
Mm, 100 grand on piano lessons.
This is all she learned to play.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- Well, it's pretty timeless.
Plus, they just rebooted the franchise.
- What a boon.
- [CHUCKLES.]
♪ [APPLAUSE.]
Thank you! Thank you.
I wanted to take a moment and share some very exciting news with all of you, my nearest and dearest.
Aidan and I are engaged! [ALL SHOUTING.]
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God! I know, I know! So it's not only my birthday party, but it's also my engagement party.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Oh! Congrats, honey.
Thanks, Mom.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Whoo-whoo.
Ah ooh.
[CHUCKLES.]
[GUESTS CHATTERING.]
- Hey, excuse me, sir.
- Thank you.
- Well - Oh, no, no, no, no.
No more for him.
No, he likes to conserve.
Yoo-hoo! Marty.
How's your beef? Hey.
How about after we get done with our entrées, why don't we all change seats? Just kind of switch it up a little bit.
- How about that? - No.
That's not how this is gonna work.
Did anybody else witness that? Okay, I I had, like, a I had a sex-ish dream about Deborah this morning.
- Whoa.
- And it's obviously whatever, because I've had sex dreams about a lot of people, but for some reason, I'm just feeling, like, really weird about this one.
Oh, babe, you probably just had a sex dream about Deborah because she's fucking hot.
Yeah.
She is, but I don't know, maybe this is about power? Or because we had a really intense bonding experience - on that trip we went on.
- Mm-hmm.
But also, she's mean to me.
So, am I weirdly into that? Ugh, psychologically, very bad sign.
This is exactly how women end up dating men in tech.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Or is it just 'cause I watched "Carol" last night? Oh, you watched "Carol" last night? Well, then it's definitely just about "Carol," duh.
Oh, I'm sorry about you and Ivy.
Ah, it's okay.
I couldn't trust her.
She let a woman roam through my house - Ah.
- Take pictures.
Oh, so it's my fault? [CHUCKLES.]
No.
No.
She's just not the woman for me.
[GLASS CLINKING.]
Hi.
I just wanted to thank you all so much for coming, and especially thank you to my mom for hosting.
- Yep.
- And also, I wanted to let you know that my jewelry will be in three Trish's boutiques.
- Yes.
- Ah, that's right! D'Jewelry is gonna be at Trish's! - Is that good? - It's major.
[APPLAUSE.]
I am engaged to the love of my life, and I have honestly never been happier.
So just thank you to every single one of you for making this night so special.
Cheers.
ALL: Cheers.
- Okay, Ava, your turn.
- Hmm? Oh.
Oh, we're all doing speeches? It's my birthday.
- Yeah, okay.
- Yeah.
No problem.
Uh DJ Are you gonna sit while you do it? - No.
- I figured you'd stand.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[SIGHS.]
DJ you self-tumble your own rocks, which, well, frankly, rocks.
[LAUGHS.]
Um You know, I've honestly never met anyone like you.
And I think it's so brave that you're not afraid to march to the beat of your own drum.
And I think it's really cool that you found someone who loves you for exactly who you are.
Which is a really great person.
ALL: Aww.
Happy birthday.
To DJ.
Thank you.
DJ, for your birthday, it is my great honor and privilege as the mayor of Las Vegas to present you with a key to the city of Las Vegas.
[GUESTS OOHING.]
- Oh, another one.
- Now, this key in particular is one of my favorites, and I've had to take I swear, she'll give the key to the city to anyone.
[CHUCKLES.]
She probably tips with it at Starbucks.
[BOTH CHUCKLING.]
Was one of one of a dear friend of mine for a couple of weeks, and DJ says it's her 35th birthday, so we're doing 35 candles.
I threw her 35th before you were even here.
- No one's gonna buy it.
- Yes, they will.
She looks incredible.
I'll go down to 38.
Take it or leave it.
I'll take it.
But now, what is the color story now? - Gold and pink.
- Pink I think just pink.
So, thank you for giving me an excuse to live my own life.
Because, honestly, it's nice to be with people who actually wanna be around me and not just suck on my titties for milk, and then turn on me, you know? Hear, hear.
So, happy birthday, DJ, and congrats on Trish's.
They have some really cute stuff there.
So nice.
Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Hear, hear.
Cheers.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I'm sorry, I'm not very good at this kind of thing.
And, uh, especially nervous to do it in front of a world-famous comedian, so [GUESTS CHUCKLE.]
I'll keep it brief.
Um DJ, I love you.
Happy birthday.
ALL: Aww.
Whoa.
Very brief.
[APPLAUSE.]
Okay.
You're up, Mom.
Saved the best for last.
[EXHALES.]
Happy birthday, DJ.
This is getting scary.
Pretty soon, you're gonna be the same age as me.
[LAUGHTER.]
You know, DJ, we haven't always seen eye to eye, and I know that you like to say that actually my career is my favorite child, but that's not true.
I like you both the same.
[LAUGHTER.]
I've been thinking a lot about the past lately.
I had DJ very young, so as a child, she always accompanied me on the road.
You know, always at my side.
And I know some people didn't think that was a very good parenting choice, raising a toddler in comedy clubs.
But for someone who lost their parents very young [CLEARS THROAT.]
I knew that I would've given anything to spend more time with them.
So I thought it was best that you be with me.
For better or worse.
And for me, at least, it was always better.
Um, but now you have Aidan by your side.
And if he loves you half as much as I do, then he's a keeper.
Plus, he's got a great left hook.
[LAUGHTER.]
Cheers.
ALL: Cheers.
Oh, and, as an engagement gift, I'm paying my lawyer to draw up your prenup.
[LAUGHTER.]
So romantic.
Thanks.
But we decided we're just gonna go ahead and do the old-fashioned thing and get married, no prenup.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Okay, honey.
Leave the jokes to me.
[LAUGHTER.]
It's not a joke.
We're not gonna get a prenup.
Oh, you are absolutely getting a prenup.
How about when you get married, you can get yourself a prenup? But we are not doing one.
This isn't up for discussion.
I'm doing what's best for you.
Okay, I am a grown -up, and you can't make me.
I taught you better than this.
Don't be stupid.
Laurie says it is not stupid to trust my feelings, and right now, I She's not even a psychologist.
She's a social worker! And if she can't figure out her adult acne, she certainly can't figure out your life.
I said don't Google her! That's what I said! You know, the sex tape, and the Scientology stint, I could handle, but this? You know, you've really outdone yourself.
You know what? This is so stupid.
It doesn't even matter.
It's not your money.
Oh, please.
Your whole life is my money.
You know what? You're just jealous because someone actually loves me.
I give it two weeks.
One, if he's smart.
Happy Birthday to you ♪ [ALL JOIN IN.]
Happy Birthday to you ♪ Happy Birthday, dear DJ ♪ Thanks a lot, Mom.
Who wants cake? [CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
♪ [PHONE BUZZING.]
Hey, where are you? - I'm home.
- Wait, what? I I thought you were in the bathroom.
I told them not to clear your dessert! I know, I'm sorry.
That fight just made me realize that I gotta make it work with Luna.
I'm actually in her bed with her right now.
I forgive her.
She forgives me.
It's all water under the bridge.
And I've been thinking.
You should really go for it with Deborah.
Maybe it'll help you figure things out? Uh, no, I'm not gonna go for it.
I'm gonna eat your dessert and go home.
Okay.
Bye, girl.
Okay, bye.
Ava? Would you mind talking to DJ? She's really upset.
- Me? - Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, of course.
All right, she's upstairs.
- Okay.
- Hey, thank you.
Yeah.
Shit's $600.
Okay.
God.
She's such a bitch.
Did you hear her back there? Who talks to their kid like that? I totally understand.
But I think she's just trying to protect you, in her own fucked up way.
Well, it doesn't feel like it! To yeah.
Maybe she's just, like, scared? And she's just not wanting to see anything taken away from you the way it was taken away from her? Fuck! I just had this fantasy that she'd just see that things were going well for me, you know? And maybe be proud of me.
And things would I don't fucking know, be normal for once? - I hear you.
- [EXHALES.]
That's totally fair.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry to dump all this on you.
I don't mean to.
I just feel like you get it when it comes to her.
Yeah, I do.
Honestly, my closest relationship right now is with your mom.
Right.
[CHUCKLES.]
I've never been this close to someone I'm not hooking up with, which means [LAUGHS.]
I just have a fucked up sense of intimacy.
It's not that I'm actually attracted to your mom.
[EXHALES.]
Oh.
What? That was nothing.
Um, DJ, it's, like, the most normal thing in the world to want your mom to be proud of you, you know? And she can definitely get in your head.
But, um I I don't know.
Maybe stop waiting for her to be proud of you, and start doing things that make you feel proud of yourself.
Yeah.
Yep, that actually makes sense.
Thank you.
- Can you drive us home? - Of course.
Hey, how come you're not wearing my earrings? - Oh, I - It's fine.
- I have some extra in my bag.
- Great.
Hope you enjoyed the free show! Happy birthday.
[CAR ENGINE STARTS.]
I'm just driving them home.
Have fun.
[CHUCKLES.]
Your car is ready at the valet, Ms.
Pezzimenti.
I'm not quite ready to go just yet.
Marty and I are in the middle of a very stimulating conversation.
He's just in the little boys' room.
The party was 7:00 to 10:00.
Those times are not real.
You understand that? I'm just gonna wait here until Marty gets back, though.
I don't want to be rude.
You have no power here.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
♪ Jeez.
Okay.
Feel like I'm being arrested or something.
♪ Okay, pull right up in here.
Wait.
In here? What am I turning around in here? Nope.
We're here.
Oh, shit.
No.
["BRIDAL CHORUS" PLAYING.]
No, no, no.
Don't get married right now.
DJ, don't do this just to piss off your mom.
I'm not.
Ava, you were right.
I gotta start doing things for me.
And getting married right now is what we wanna do.
No.
I I was thinking more along the lines of, like, taking a pottery class or getting your GED.
My GED? I went to Cornell.
Y yeah.
And I I know that, which which is why you're smart enough to know not to do this Hello.
Welcome to the Tunnel of Love.
Hi.
Thank you.
Ah, the "MJ Package"? No shit.
Michael Jackson? No, no.
Michael Jordan.
Oh.
- No? - No.
[CHUCKLES.]
Last man standing? Looks like it.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's good.
Good, I, um - I wanted to - [CELL PHONE RINGING.]
Oh.
Thank you.
- I wanted to - [CELL PHONE RINGING.]
[SIGHS.]
Hello? Hey.
Uh, so, don't freak out, but DJ DJ's getting married.
Like like, right now.
What? N no, where are you? We're at a drive-through chapel.
Look, I tried to stop her, but she's doing it.
And I I really think you'd regret it if you weren't a part of this, so just watch, okay? Please? Okay.
Okay.
Ow, these D'Jewels are fucking heavy.
[CAR DOOR SENSOR BEEPING.]
Okay.
We're gathered here this evening to celebrate the true love between [CAR ENGINE REVS.]
Oh, shit.
Sorry.
Sorry.
My foot hit the gas.
Sorry.
I'm turning it off.
Okay.
Go ahead, go ahead.
We're gathered here to celebrate your love.
You've chosen to recite your own vows? Yeah.
Now would be the time.
DJ, when you walked into my life, I realized how much I'd been missing.
The only problem is, you made me a worse fighter.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Before you, I didn't care what happened to me in the cage.
But now, I gotta be careful.
Because I can't risk anything ruining the life that we're gonna build together.
[CHUCKLES.]
Aidan, I know that I'm not always the easiest person to love, but you always see the best in me, and you always make loving me feel like the easiest thing in the world.
Thank you for teaching me how to love myself.
Aidan, do you take Deborah Junior to be your lawful wedded wife? I do.
[LAUGHS.]
And Deborah Junior, do you take Aidan to be your lawful wedded husband? I do.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Okay, I'm gonna go.
[SIGHS.]
Leave it to her.
[LAUGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Congratulations.
[LAUGHS.]
God.
Not every day your daughter gets married.
Hey, you know what this calls for? [WHISPERING.]
Champagne.
[SNIFFS.]
Be right back.
[EXHALES.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Well, at least now I don't have to worry about walking her down the aisle.
You know how I hate attention.
[LAUGHS.]
[BONNIE RAIT'S "SINCE I FELL FOR YOU" PLAYS.]
Ah, now this is the one I was waiting for.
Oh, I love this song.
You'd better let love ♪ May I ask the mother of the bride for this dance? Oh, my God.
"Mother of the bride"? - [CHUCKLES.]
- [GIGGLES.]
I know it so ♪ And yet I know ♪ [CHUCKLES.]
I can't get you out of my heart ♪ ♪ You ♪ Made me leave my happy home ♪ Thanks for coming.
I was happy to be here.
You took my love and now ♪ Me too.
♪ Since I fell for you ♪ ♪ Love ♪ Brings such misery and pain ♪ I guess I'll never be the same ♪ ♪ Since I fell for you ♪ Well it's too bad ♪ And it's too sad ♪ But I'm in love with you ♪ ♪ You love me ♪ Then you snub me ♪ But what can I do ♪ When I'm still in love with you? ♪ ♪ I ♪