Hacks (2021) s01e08 Episode Script

1.69 Million

1 Sneaking out in the morning without saying goodbye? I thought you just did that to aspiring backup dancers.
I'm not leaving just yet.
I'm not making you breakfast, if that's what you're after.
There is a story coming out today in the "Review-Journal" that MC Ludwig is taking over your slot at the Palmetto.
- What? - I'm sorry.
I'm literally naked here.
I just wanted to tell you myself before you heard it someplace else.
Your 2,500th show is going to be your last.
What about the pictures that I have, the photos? I'll take the hit.
I have a contract for two more years.
And I'm buying you out of it.
You'll get your full penalty.
This wasn't just my decision.
I have a board to answer to.
You know, you didn't have to have sex with me to soften the blow.
- You're not that good in bed.
- No.
Look, I wanted to tell you last night, but then one thing led to another, and as much as I enjoyed it, this wasn't part of the plan.
You can go now.
All right.
I am truly sorry.
♪ - Ava! - [GROANS.]
- Get up.
- How'd you get in here? I paid for the room.
I have a key.
Get up, we have a whole new hour to write.
Wait, what? - I have to pee.
- No.
No time.
Marty is buying me out of my contract.
- Oh, shit.
- We're gonna do all that unfunny confessional stuff that we've been talking about for the anniversary show.
It's gonna be the whole thing.
- Unfunny? - And it's gonna be so splashy that another casino will want me, and I can tell Marty to go fuck himself.
Why are you still in bed? A full new hour? D, that show is two weeks away.
First of all, you will absolutely not call me D.
And secondly, yes, I know.
It's a time crunch.
So come on, grab a pile.
You're gonna be staying at my house till we're finished.
Also, you're gonna start getting up every morning at 7:00.
- Wh - Piece of advice.
If Kelly Ripa's day is already over and yours hasn't even started, you're in trouble.
- What is this? That's my bra bucket.
There's no storage here.
No, no, no, no, no, this.
Oh, that's my matcha latte station.
You're not bringing that.
- Move your ass! - Okay! [LIVELY MUSIC.]
♪ So then I started taking diet pills.
But they gave me such terrible headaches, I couldn't sleep, but I'll tell you what.
I didn't miss a second of the OJ trial.
Come on, you've seen the grape lady.
- I've never heard of her.
- Okay.
Look at this.
These buckets are filled with grapes - Okay, fine, you pick.
- I want to get sushi.
I love the crab roll from that place.
That was Alan Alda's birthday.
- Who's that? - [SIGHS.]
That's horrible.
I can't breathe.
- Play it again.
Not trying to be your hero ♪ Best two out of three.
Yes! Crab roll, here I come, baby.
Well, I hear this snap sound.
And I knew that the bone was broken.
Ow, ow, ow! Ow, ow! [LAUGHTER.]
Is too low to see, yeah ♪ ♪ [LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God.
They forgot the crab roll! [LAUGHS.]
We've been working all day.
You haven't laughed this hard once.
No, I don't do insult humor.
You insult my hands all the time.
- That's observational humor.
- Oh, my God! [CACKLING.]
Hey, is it okay if I leave my eyes open? - Oh, definitely not.
- Why didn't you tell me? You're young.
You'll be fine.
- Ava wins! - [GROANS.]
You don't always have to sound so surprised.
Why are you guys going to Sacramento? Can't you just practice it here? 'Cause if it works there, it'll work anywhere.
Fun fact: Sacramento is home to one of the only female serial killers.
What? I know feminist shit too.
You know, I always thought it was so bizarre that Sacramento is the capital of California.
It's like Albany being the capital of New York.
It feels like someone tried to guess which cities were gonna be important, like, 200 years ago and now everyone's afraid to admit that they were wrong.
- You know what's crazy? - Hmm? I just listened to that whole thing, and I agree with you.
That is crazy.
- That is crazy.
- Hi.
- Mm, hey, kiddo.
Oh, Dad, hi! - How's Sin City? - It's all right.
- How are you feeling? - Great! I was just thinking, maybe I could come visit.
Huh? See your comedian's show.
You know, I had Woody Allen records back in the day.
Mm, you gotta get rid of those.
All right, so what's a good weekend? Are you sure you should fly, Dad? What does Mom think? Well, you know her.
Remember when she wouldn't let you drive to the mall till you were 19? Yeah, but that was a hectic parking lot and a huge van.
You know, you're talking about flying cross-country a couple months after having a stroke.
I'm telling you, I'm fine.
So do you use Travel-o-city.
com? You think that's legit? Yeah.
It's legit, yeah.
Hello, period.
Can't wait to see you tonight, period.
- Winky face.
- Delete.
Delete winky face.
Oh, my God.
I've always wondered, literally, who on Earth uses voice to text, and it's you.
This tracks so hard.
Shouldn't you be in Sacramento? Yeah, we're leaving in 20.
You know, I always thought it was so weird how Sacramento is the capital of California, like how Albany is the capital of New York - I hope it's worth it.
- What? Do you know she made me clear her schedule for the last two weeks? And Deborah's built a loyal audience for years.
And that's the foundation of our business, so this whole soul-baring thing sounds very off-brand.
I guess, but isn't that kind of the point? Potentially alienating her fans, no.
I'm not sure that should be the point.
Okay, well, the new hour was her idea.
And I think it's great she wants to change.
Oh, and Deborah's gonna change? [SCOFFS.]
Ava, let's go! [DOG BARKING.]
Delete winky face.
- [SIGHS.]
♪ Oh, they always smell like this.
- Bad? - Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, wow.
- Oh, God.
Oh, God.
I was so nervous then.
I'd been doing stand-up less than a year.
But people knew you from your show, right? Not as a stand-up, though.
I really had to prove myself.
Every joke had to hit.
I kind of miss that, you know, having to earn your laughs.
When you get big, there's no sense of excitement, you know? No risk that people are gonna hate you.
Hey, hey.
Plenty of people can still hate you.
- That was good.
Oh, wow.
I don't think they've changed the carpet since I was here.
There she is, Deborah Vance.
What's going on? [WHOOSHES.]
Good to see you.
Drew Higgins.
I'm hosting tonight.
So I usually do my full set at the end but can't tonight 'cause you're here real legend, which is very cool.
Maybe I'll croak halfway through, you can have the last half hour, how's that? That that'd be great.
So I'll take a light at 15 and another one at 5.
I will tell the booth, I guess.
Oh, and there's a greenroom in the back.
You can drop all your shit there, and don't fuck it up.
Words to live by.
I know that is not Deborah Vance! Oh! - No, honey! - [LAUGHS.]
That famous bitch wouldn't be caught dead in a hellhole like this.
- Oh, life is cruel, Francine.
- Oh! - Life is cruel.
- Let me look at you.
Ugh! You're incredible.
Well, I better look good! I'm rich! - Oh! - [LAUGHTER.]
Well, let's grab a table and talk some shit.
Hi, I'm Ava.
- Hi.
- Nina, where is it? Dennis! Jesus! It's right next to the Kleenex! - Mom? - Christ.
Dad's saying he's coming to visit you.
Are you crazy? He cannot come to visit you.
- Yeah, that's what I thought.
- I never I mean, it's ridiculous.
You know that he's not well.
I mean, it can't happen.
It just can't happen! Calm down.
I'm agreeing with you.
I didn't ask him to come.
He just seems to think that he can.
Yeah, well, you know, he's in denial.
He can't even lift his left arm.
Yesterday he snapped at me when I told him to let your cousin put the cover on the outdoor couch.
You guys got an outdoor couch? Mm.
It's IKEA, we'll see.
Listen, why don't you come home this weekend and stay for a week? He'll get to see you.
He'll forget all about this trip thing.
And then we can get you in with Dr.
Taline for your physical.
Mom, I'm 25.
I can't see a pediatrician anymore.
Plus, I can't just drop everything and fly across the country.
Taline is wonderful, and your father I know you told him he can't travel, but I don't know, tell him again.
I can't find it! Christ on the cross, Dennis! I said it's right next to the Kleenex! - Ava - Okay, okay.
He'll listen to you.
I love you.
- I gotta go.
- I'll see you - Hey! Hey! Hey! - [DOG BARKING.]
God damn it! That neighbor's dog.
Hello! Aww, baby, charcuterie! Mom, what are you doing here? I DM'ed you last night.
I ordered the Royal Rumble on pay-per-view.
On my TV? I offered to get you cable.
Baby, quit acting brand-new.
You know I'm a cord cutter.
Where's the remote? Okay, Mom, you can't be here right now.
Says the boy who squatted in my uterus for ten months? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, shit.
Mom, this is Wilson.
Wilson, my mother, Robin.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
Okay, I love him.
Marcus, don't fuck this up.
- Mom.
- Hon.
- What's it, Wilson? - Yes.
- Come sit.
- Oh, thank you.
Wilson you like weed? Oh, yes, but I'm good right now.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
Well, we are just about to watch the Royal Rumble! - We're not.
- Wait, WWE? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh.
I was obsessed with the divas in middle school.
- Really? - Oh, my God.
- Ivory, Lita, Jacqueline.
- Mm-hmm! - Oh, and Trish Stratus? - Oh, she was everything.
Child, now, that girl had quite the chest.
That chest postponed my coming out, - I swear, for at least a year.
- Stop it, girl! Okay, all right, I think Wilson and I actually are going to go out for dinner.
- Oh.
All right.
- Yes.
Well, Robin, it was a pleasure to meet you.
And the next time we get together, we're gonna talk about the Bella Twins.
Do you know that they had their baby a day apart? - Mm-hmm.
- Now, that's some crazy shit.
- It was crazy.
- It was crazy, right? - Good night, good night, Mom.
- Okay, I'm not the only one.
- Good night.
- Have a good time! Get ready to rumble! [LAUGHTER.]
I know, I can't believe it.
How do you two know each other? Oh, we used to see each other at all the clubs.
But I never spoke to Ms.
- She was scary.
- What? - Me? - No.
Plus, she was the lady from the TV show.
At that time, I was dating this jerk.
And one night after a really bad set, I was practically carrying him to my car.
He was a blackout drunk.
And Ms.
Deb helped me load him into my back seat.
Should have been in the trunk.
- Oh, yes! - [LAUGHTER.]
She told me to drop his ass.
And after I did, she took me on tour with her.
It was just so I could drive in the carpool lane.
You bitch.
- You ladies ready to order? - Can I get a coffee with - do you guys have oat milk? No.
Do you have soy? No, sorry.
Oh, God! The entitled millennial is gonna have to drink 2%.
Emergency! Somebody get an EpiPen! [LAUGHTER.]
Oh, God, that is rich.
Tell me, what exactly do people think millennials are entitled to? - Oh, God, here we go.
- Huh? Expensive-ass health care? The planet ruined by ignoring climate change? Yeah, the only thing millennials are entitled to is our future grandchildren running around the desert hellscape sucking shriveled dicks for water or whatever.
And also, most importantly, I'm Gen Z, okay? There are millennials who are, like, 40.
So what about black? [LAUGHTER.]
- Yeah, that's great.
- Thank you.
You know, I would have been more than happy to smoke weed with your mom.
Oh, God, you would have got nothing because she hogs it all.
Are you guys close? We are now, but when I first came out, she was way less supportive than my Dad, weirdly.
And after he died, she went way too far in the other direction.
I mean, she got me poppers for a stocking stuffer one year.
- No! - Yes.
And, oh, get this, the other day, I overheard her telling her friend that I'm a vers top.
- Wait, did you tell her? - No! - Oh, God.
Oh! You know who finally died? Ira.
Now, there's someone I'm gonna have to try to avoid - when I get to hell.
I was gonna call you about his funeral, but then I remembered your rule.
- I don't do funerals.
- No funerals.
Who was Ira? Ira, Ira, Ira, Ira.
Ira was the proprietor of this club.
We would have to slide onto the stage with our backs against the wall so he wouldn't grab our asses on the way up.
- Oh, my God, ew.
- Oh, that was nothing.
I'm convinced he and Cosby had the same pharmacist.
Oh! Now, you know he used to make the new girls sit on his lap before he would give them their paychecks? That's why they called him Old Saint Dick, you know.
- Well, anyway, he's dead now.
- Oh, God.
Dessert, anyone? - Rock climbing in toe shoes.
- No.
We don't wear toe shoes for rock climbing.
But yes, I do own a pair.
Well, you do you, I don't kink shame.
- Oh, there's no shame.
- My toes are beautiful.
- Yes, they are.
You know, I'm actually going to Zion next week to go bouldering.
- Oh, great.
- Mm-hmm.
- I've never been.
- It sounds lovely.
- I'd love to go.
- Oh, great.
Oh, wait, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to just I meant sometime.
I didn't want to just fully invite myself to your trip.
- Unless - No, no, no.
Okay, so I wanted to invite you.
I just didn't want to seem like I was coming on too strong.
So you want to come? Well, it's not like anybody's gonna miss me at work, so yeah, let's do it.
You are going to love it.
Nothing as far as the eye can see, and, like, there's barely any cell service, no distractions.
Just us.
Cool, cool.
I You know, I'm just gonna wash my hands before the entrées come.
- Oh, okay.
- Be right back.
Oh, that's good.
- Hey, could you hurry, please? - Yep.
Thank you.
♪ Yeah, sorry, could you could you actually park it again? - For real? - Yeah, sorry.
Thank you.
♪ Sorry.
So camping.
How do I protect myself from bears? Oh.
You can't.
It's okay.
I'll protect you.
- I'm much bigger than you.
- I think it's up to me.
- Mm.
- You're gonna protect me? - No, we're both gonna die.
Okay, so I'm gonna go from DJ's first overdose to the broken foot and then do a callback to DJ's second overdose, okay.
So I'm gonna close with I don't know, the hysterectomy scare or double foreclosure? I mean, really, which do you think is punchier? Sorry, what? Hey, will you pay attention, please? I'm just thinking about that Ira guy.
Eh, what are you gonna do? Okay, so I know we planned on ending with double foreclosure, but is hysterectomy stronger? I know it was, like, the time and everything, but I'm still I'm just mad for you.
Well, if I'm not upset about it, you shouldn't be.
Yeah, but I mean, it's upsetting, you know? Like, I'm really glad that you weren't affected, but I'm sure a lot of other women were and, like, stopped doing comedy 'cause they were scared of, you know, getting finger-blasted in the greenroom or whatever.
I was affected.
You know, it pissed me off that I had to deal with that, and then he gets to take credit for me? Put my photo up on his fucking wall? But life goes on.
Now, which is funnier, double foreclosure or hysterectomy? - Double foreclosure.
- Thank you.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to, like, victim blame at all.
I'm just wondering, like, don't you think you should have maybe reported him? Ugh, Ira owned most of the good venues on the West Coast.
It was a real boys' club.
I couldn't afford to burn that bridge.
Oh, so you were just looking out for your own career, then? [AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
- What are you accusing me of? - Nothing.
I helped a lot of people.
I wasn't perfect, but I did what I could.
Yeah, but then you got rich and famous.
You could have come after him then.
Instead you just worked your way up the ladder and then Oh, God.
Now you're accusing me of being a ladder puller? Please! Just by getting up on that stage, I gave other women more than I ever had.
Forget the ladder, I built a marble fucking staircase! It's not my job to carry people up it.
If you're not gonna help, you can just leave.
Also, you're wrong.
Hysterectomy's funnier.
I'm closing with that.
- Hey.
How's it going? - Hi.
So how'd that flight look? Oh, and does your hotel have a party pool? Yeah, it's basically a giant toilet.
But, Dad, I'm sorry.
You can't come to visit me.
Oh, come on, I told you.
I feel up for it.
No, it's not that, really.
I'm just I'm just really busy.
I'm working for Deborah, and also, I have another super secret project I'm not even actually allowed to talk about, and I'm not gonna have a lot of free time.
Hey, that's not a problem.
I can gamble all day, and then we can just go out for dinner or lunch, even.
- What time's your lunch break? - Dad, I told you.
Writing is not, like, a nine-to-five thing.
I don't have a lunch break.
I'm sorry.
I can't.
Well, okay.
All right.
Good thing I didn't buy the buy the flight.
Okay, well, I'll let you get back to work.
Love you, bean.
Love you too.
Vance, you're on deck.
Crowd is hot.
Everyone's crushing.
No presh.
- Yo.
- Hey.
Great set.
Crowd loved you.
- Thanks! - Lesson learned for me.
I should start wearing low-cut shirts - if I want to do that well.
Well, you don't have tits like mine, so Well, believe me.
I would do anything for your tits.
- 'Sup, bro? - Oh, don't tell me that's bitch-ass Jack Junior up in the house.
- Thanks so much.
Good night.
All right.
Guys, keep it going for Little Sammy, huh? Let him hear it.
Come on! Yeah.
Don't let him around your kids, but that is one funny fucker.
All right, guys, we have a special headliner tonight.
Don't get too excited.
It's not Chappelle.
A lot of people say she's a crazy woman, but I'd never say that, 'cause I think the term "crazy woman" is redundant.
You know? It's like saying "free gift" or "gay male flight attendant.
" Right? Anyway, she's got an incredible set, and I think she's gonna tell some jokes too.
So you know who she is.
You love her.
Your great-aunt really loves her.
Make it loud for the OG female comedian, Deborah Vance! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Thank you.
Thank you.
That guy! What a comic.
I'm getting déjà vu.
Where is he? Drew, where are you? Oh, there he is.
Hey, do you know who George Carlin is? Hell yeah.
You remind me of a turd he once left in a greenroom.
Tell me, when you take an STD test, does it just say "yes"? - Ooh! - Uh-oh, I think she's got a crush on me! Oh, there aren't enough roofies in the world.
A horse tranq couldn't get me to give you a high five.
I got a horse tranq guy if you want to kick it later.
Ooh! Mm, yeah.
Funny guy, funny guy.
So let me tell you all what's going on here.
He's pretending to flirt with me.
So I have two options.
I can, you know, shoot him down and not play along, but then I'm a bad sport and not funny and a cold bitch, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
And if I do that, then it's awkward, and it's gonna be hard to win you back, right? Or I do play along, which, let's face it, is easier, and I'm sexualizing myself on his terms that guy wearing the pleather hoodie.
It's real.
It's real leather.
- It's real.
- So then my whole set becomes entirely about a stranger who I find disgusting.
You know, no matter how long you're away, you come back, there's always a Drew who's gonna talk about your tits when he brings you out onstage.
Death, taxes, and this fucking guy.
I wasn't gonna do this.
I was gonna try out some new stuff tonight.
I didn't want to be the butt of the joke.
Because, quite frankly, I'm exhausted from beating everybody else to the punch, but then you came up here and did it for me.
- Fuck you.
- Oh.
- Oh! - Oh! Why do you do that? I don't know your set, but I am sure that you have nothing to say that hasn't already been said on this stage a million times.
When will you just stop? Seriously, what will it take to make you just stop? 69 million.
Right? Yeah.
Man, he's clever.
Well, no, I'm not gonna do that, but how about 1.
69 million? [AUDIENCE GASPS.]
I'm not joking.
You're all my witnesses.
I will write this man a check if he swears never to set foot in a comedy club ever again.
You think he should take the deal? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Are you for real? - Yes.
Unless, you know, you think you're gonna make more than that from your comedy career.
I think he should take it.
- Take the money, bitch! - Take it, bitch! [APPLAUSE CONTINUES.]
- All right.
- All right! All right, Drew, come on up here.
Come on.
You guys are recording this, right? Right? I can't get rid of 'em all, but I can get rid of one.
Okay, now, my very, very good lawyers are gonna draw this all up.
And we'll shake on it.
Okay? I, Deborah Vance, will give Drew $1.
69 million so long as he agrees to never set foot on a stage ever again.
Come on.
Come on.
- Can I do a podcast? - No.
And if you break the rules, you pay me back double.
- Do it.
Whoa! Good for you, Drew.
Invest wisely, and you'll never have to work again.
But if you do, I'm sure you'll be the third-funniest guy in your office.
Now get the fuck off my stage.
♪ Ugh, seriously.
That was incredible.
No, it wasn't.
I was supposed to try the new material tonight.
- I blew it.
- Oh, my God.
Who gives a fuck about the new material? That was raw and honest.
You told the truth.
It was amazing.
It did feel really fucking good.
Could we just talk for just a few minutes, please? Ava, wait in the car.
Holy shit.
Fuck, fuck, shit, oh, my God, fuck, holy shit.
How was that? - Fine.
- Oh, great.
Watch out.
Watch out, watch out! - Watch out! Slow down! - [GASPS.]
- Jesus Christ! - Damn it! - Deborah! - I knew she'd move.
Never forgive, never forget, baby.
- Kayla? - Oh, my God, sissy! Oh, my God, I just had a full conversation with somebody who wasn't you.
So I had to FaceTime you.
Are you okay? Do you need help? Why are you calling me? What Oh, God.
Do you know the British show "The Bitter End"? - Yeah, it's so good.
- Why? So the creators are making a new show, and I told them all about you and your experience in Las Vegas, and they want to meet you, girlfriend! - Oh, my God! - What? - That's amazing! - [LAUGHS.]
Can you believe? I'm like, okay, I'm making things happen for other people.
Wait, wait, you told them about me? I mean, Jimmy told me to take more initiative, so I sent them your stuff and they loved it.
They're, like, totally freaking out.
They want to meet you before they go [WITH BRITISH ACCENT.]
Across the pond again.
Holy shit.
Yeah, so don't tell Jimmy, but can you be in LA Friday morning? [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Um ♪
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