Hacks (2021) s01e09 Episode Script


1 Okay, can we strip that light just a little bit more? Little more, little more.
Yeah, yeah, there! Let's not go nuts.
I spent way too much on Botox for that.
Okay, so, Ava, I stay seated, um, until the fertility run, which is right after the broken foot.
Uh, sorry, I think Claus collector is first.
Oh, crap! I forgot.
Yes, yes, okay.
So it's broken foot, uh, debt collector who looks like Santa Claus, - then fertility.
- Yes.
I'm never gonna remember all this.
Just bring your notebook onstage.
Oh, oh, oh, no way.
Never happen, not in 2,499 shows, no.
Right, but, again, this is a different kind of show.
I mean, I think having the notebook up there makes it feel way more raw like coffeehouse vibes, you know? - Coffeehouse vibes? - Yep.
Oh, I know.
I'll get them to attach the bathroom key to a big chunk of wood, you know, with a little leather strap.
Of course the reversible jacket is a priority for us.
She's just been busy with - [LAUGHS.]
- Yes, I know.
No, no, you should not call her.
You know she loves to shoot the messenger.
Let me figure out a way to bring it up to her delicately, and I'll get back to you.
And I saw those old photos of you, so maybe also - [LAUGHS.]
- Okay, talk soon.
I'll look like Joan Baez.
Okay, don't bring a notebook.
I'm trying to help you.
Just a reminder.
Hey, um, I actually have to get going to my doctor's appointment.
You're leaving now? We barely got started.
Yeah, um, but it was the only appointment that I could get.
It's just a routine post-op thing, you know, no biggie.
Major complications are very rare, but there can be pain, uh, bleeding, um I read somewhere vaginal discharge Please, just yeah, fine.
Thank you.
Just go.
It's okay.
- All right.
- But do me a favor.
Will you stay off WebMD? It's bad for your personality.
Copy that.
I'll see you at the run-through tomorrow.
Okay, thanks.
Love you, bye.
Oh, finally.
So Roy is threatening to downgrade the jackets to digital-only if we delay the launch.
- What? - I know.
Nightmare scenario, but we may be able to appease him with an in-studio appearance.
Oh, God, Roy is so dramatic.
He's like Nancy Kerrigan after that whole - Brutal attack? - Yeah.
Okay, well, I can't keep kicking the can down the road, so since Ava's gone, can we please meet tonight and schedule something? Marcus, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I can't.
I've got promo photos.
I've got to prep for the press tomorrow.
Why don't you just go and enjoy your free time? O kay.
Very scary when she tries to be nice.
Okay, let's go back to one.
Gary! Ah, Jesus, I'm not gonna miss the drunks that work here.
♪ - Hey, how's it going? - Ugh, so good.
Everyone in L.
has such good style.
I can't tell who's HAIM and who's just three people.
HAIM is actually on tour right now, so Ugh, I love that you know that.
Bryce Dallas Howard's in the bathroom, though.
Oh, my God.
She's actually been in there a long time.
Well, I'll have whatever she had.
- I can't disclose that.
- Oh, my God, of course.
That's on me.
That's on me.
Um, I'll just have, like, an iced matcha latte with elderberry syrup, please.
- Okay, that'll be $11.
- Oh, my God! That is so expensive.
I love it.
- Bump those 10%.
- 10%.
Got it.
Hey, Deb.
- You got a second? - For you? No.
I come as a friend.
I hear you're doing a whole new hour.
For your final show? - Mm-hmm.
- Come on.
What is that? - Oh, so now you're a critic.
This show's gonna be a big hit.
A lot of important people are coming people who know something about art, like Steve Wynn, - Manny Azenberg - Steve Wynn's blind.
He put his elbow through a Picasso.
Look, this is your final show on this stage.
I know you're upset.
I know that things are changing.
But don't do anything that you'll regret - just because you're mad at me.
You know, I just don't want you to embarrass yourself.
Oh, well, thanks for looking out for me, you condescending piece of shit.
And you've always had my back.
That way, it's easier to stab.
By my calculations, this is my theater till Saturday, so get the hell out.
Oh, it's, uh, my theater, Deb.
- Get the fuck out.
Have a good show.
So sorry about the wait.
Your food will be out very soon.
Oh, I have been eating buffet food for months.
It's an honor to wait for food that has not been prepared yet.
- Okay.
Oh, order for Ruby.
- Just a moment.
- Thanks.
- Hey.
- Oh, my God, hey.
What are you doing here? Well, I'm only in town for 24 hours, and I was craving the mussels from this place.
Also, I know this was, like, our favorite spot, so it probably seems like I came here to run into you, but I didn't plan for that to hap I mean, it did happen, but, you know, take that up with the universe.
Dude, stop.
It's great to see you.
It's great to see you, too.
Are are you eating alone? That's not a very you thing.
Yeah, you know, I am.
I've had a lot of practice as of late.
And besides, you know what? It's probably for the best, because I just ordered the entire menu, and no one should witness what I'm about to do.
There you go.
Hey, can you actually plate this? I'm gonna eat at the bar.
♪ I want to witness it.
I warned you.
Can I get you a snack? You didn't finish any of your dinner.
No, no.
I'm fine.
I'm just working.
Maybe try one of the CBD tinctures I gave you.
A couple drops.
Tiny, tiny.
Yeah, no, no, no, thanks.
I'm good.
- You can go home.
- Okay.
Oh, my niece, she doesn't want the comp ticket to your show.
She has plans with her roommate.
I don't think it's her roommate.
I think it's a girlfriend, but - I'm I really need to work.
- Oh.
- Good night.
- Okay, good night.
It was rough at first.
Sometimes it's still brutal.
But, you know, at least now we kind of get each other.
And I actually think the show we're writing is really good.
Have you become a person that respects their boss? [LAUGHS.]
That or I have Stockholm syndrome, which is fine.
- I love Swedish culture.
- Mm-hmm.
It usually comes with free health care.
Anyway, um, how's, uh, Kelly? Uh, I literally hate to tell you you were right, but, um, we broke up a month ago.
- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
- Mm, mm-hmm.
No, but, like, seriously, I-I really didn't mean No, no, it's it's fine.
You know, my schedule was insane, and then when I was home, we just fought all the time, so I totally understand why you didn't reach out, but if you do ever need to talk, you know you can call me.
I promise, I know not to send you unsolicited pornography anymore.
- Oh, you do? - Yes.
Obviously, I still would, but you would have to ask, so [BOTH LAUGH.]
There's something different about you.
I you know, I have been dressing in a way that de-emphasizes the size of my hands, but other than that Uh-uh, you're not spiraling or making me spiral.
Um, I don't know.
I think maybe I'm, like happy? [LAUGHS.]
Oh, God, I sound like you after you did mushrooms with that witch in Idyllwild.
- Oh, no! Mm-mm.
That was insane.
I was very happy, though.
♪ So the interview - Yeah.
- Is tomorrow.
Tomorrow, yeah.
Um, oh, my God.
It would be so incredible to work with them.
They're so cool, but I don't know.
I'll probably say something stupid to mess it up.
Oh, stop.
You know you're charming.
It's annoying, actually.
♪ - [LAUGHS.]
- Ugh.
Um, what are you up to now? Bricker's hosting this whiskey tasting before he goes on Whole 30 for that Bob Dylan biopic he's doing.
Wow, that was the whitest thing I've ever said.
Yeah, even I think that.
Well, I'm sure you'll have fun.
It'd be more fun if you came.
Or, um, we could skip the tasting altogether and go back to my place.
♪ Fuck.
I want to.
And I'm in physical pain saying this, but, ah, I think I got to go back to my hotel and do some homework.
I want to be prepared for tomorrow instead of my usual move, which is just wing it and hope they don't call me on it.
I get it.
Maybe I'll be back in L.
I hope so.
Me too.
Yeah, can you just stay on the line until I'm sure? Okay.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
- Can I help you? - Oh, sorry.
I live in 4A.
This is my stuff.
I'm just looking for my Fenty Pumas.
You know the ones with the gummy soles? Well, that's interesting because I live in 4A.
Oh, shit.
You're Jordan, the subletter.
- Yeah.
- Sorry, I meant I own 4A.
I'm Ava.
I tried knocking earlier.
- Yeah, I was in the shower.
- Whoo! Got 'em.
I got to get to an interview, and I need to look cool, hip, young but also not trying too hard, you know.
So I popped back here, get the Fenty Pumas with the gummy soles.
Yeah, I heard that before.
- Uh, you know what? - Uh-huh.
Since you're here, do you mind checking out the bathroom? The skylight will not close.
Oh, my God, I didn't know that thing opened.
Cool! But, no, I got to get to this meeting, and I'm already late.
So nice to meet you, Jordan.
- Siri, text Kayla.
Yeah, hi.
Did she just say she was there for an interview? - Yeah.
- Huh.
Midday martini? Ugh, do I look completely exhausted? - No.
- I couldn't sleep.
Marty tells me that I'm going to embarrass myself with this new show.
What does he know? His job is just a series of high-cholesterol lunches.
Clearly, the show is stressing you out, and there's no shame in going back to what works.
No, no, no.
Ava and I have worked too hard on this.
Well, about Ava, uh, I don't know if you should be putting all your trust in her.
Okay, you know what? What is it with you and her? Are you seriously jealous of a 25-year-old? [CHUCKLES.]
Jea No.
Is it really about the material, or is it the fact that it was her idea and not yours? Huh, okay.
You know, you're absolutely right.
Uh, your material is not my department.
I have plenty to do.
You have plenty to drink.
I'll let you get to it.
- [SIGHS.]
♪ Uh-oh, union strong, baby! [GIGGLES.]
Oof, not today, girl.
♪ Hell, yeah, C stand.
♪ Now I want you ♪ To leave me alone ♪ [INDISTINCT CONVERSATION.]
- [SIGHS.]
♪ Deborah.
There's a lot fewer jokes in this whole thing, a-and I'm afraid that without pausing for laughs, it's all gonna feel way too short.
I mean, I could be up there for 32 minutes, and then what? Jesus, I picked up 'cause I thought it was an emergency.
It is! I mean, we've never even run the show with a full house before.
It just it just feels too rushed.
Well, I think it's long enough, but we can practice the pacing at the run-through later today.
No, I don't want to wait till 5:00.
Just come over now, and we'll do it.
I really don't think that's necessary.
Plus, I'm at the doctor.
I thought your appointment was yesterday.
Yeah, well, they ordered some bloodwork on uh, my blood, so I'm back.
- I don't know.
It just I just keep imagining myself up onstage, and, uh, it's just silence.
You've been through way worse than silence, Deborah.
Plus, the show is good, like, really fucking good.
You should be proud of it.
I know I am.
Trust me.
Okay, okay.
I do.
I got to go.
I'll see you at 5:00.
It just feels like she's just so raw.
Do you know what I mean? I think it's - Oh, there she is! - Hi! I'm Ava.
So nice to meet you.
Sorry I'm late.
The traffic was terrible.
Oh, our assistant checked in with your manager.
She said you had a pregnancy scare.
Ugh, Kayla.
Um, that's actually my manager's assistant, and I-I haven't had sex in a while, actually.
And he used a condom, and, uh, the next morning he killed himself.
Wow! [LAUGHS.]
We heard you had a dark sense of humor.
Ugh, not a joke.
Let's do this meeting.
Finally, I've called you three times.
Sorry, I got a new phone, but Kayla set it up with her iCloud, so I saw a lot of pictures I never should've seen.
Uh, anyway, I've been in HR all afternoon.
I'm so sorry.
What's going on? Well, Deborah found out that Ava went to L.
for that interview, and she's pissed.
Hold on.
I don't know what you're talking about.
- What interview? - Wait, you're asking me? Hey, uh, it was me.
My bad.
I-I'm That was my fault.
Marcus, hold on.
What are you talking about? I'm so sorry I totally forgot to tell you I set up that meeting behind your back.
You set up a meeting for Ava behind my back, when she's working for Deborah, one of our biggest clients? What are you doing? I'm hip-pocketing Ava.
You told me to take initiative.
You can't hip-pocket my clients! They're my clients! Please, get out of here, okay? - Leave! - Lo siento, papi.
Stop calling me papi! I'm really sorry.
Really so Got to go.
Okay, Marcus, I am caught up.
Um, how do I fix this? Well, you can start by calling her and apologizing.
So, when people are on a roll at a slot machine, they'll often piss and shit themselves instead of getting up.
So, if you're ever passing through, watch where you sit.
- Americans are disgusting! - Oh, we are.
Can I get you guys anything else? Oh, um, I would love a Diet Coke, uh, from the fountain, please.
- You got it.
- Thanks.
Okay, well, we shouldn't keep you here all day just because you're fun to talk to.
- So we loved your sample.
- Loved it.
Thank you.
That's so nice to hear.
Our producers would absolutely kill me for giving away leverage here, but in our minds, you're hired.
- Oh, my Go Are you serious? - Yep.
Amazing! Thank you.
We're gonna start in a couple of weeks, and, uh, we are renting a beachfront bungalow in Santa Monica - to write out of.
- It's gorgeous.
- Uh, the beach? - Mm-hmm.
Okay, I'm getting my pussy waxed.
- Oh, my God, I love it! Oh, that's brilliant.
You are so fun.
We just cannot wait to hear more of your stories.
Oh, I've got stories.
There is so much about Vegas people don't know.
Oh, no, um, we meant about your boss.
Yeah, our show is about a bitch PM.
- Yeah, prime minister.
- Mm-hmm.
We believe that true feminism is being able to just say that some women are cunty monsters.
You know, we want to showcase that on TV, and we feel like you've got a lot of experience with a nightmare boss.
Oh that's it? That's that's what the show's about, just some shitty woman? Well, it's a well-observed character study - It is, yeah.
- Of a shitty woman.
Oh, you know, actually, we heard this story that she ditched you in the middle of the desert one time.
Is that true? Because that is positively biblical.
It's exactly what we're looking for.
Well, you don't really know her.
Look, Ava, we're simply commenting on the culture that calls women crazy by looking at a legitimately crazy woman.
You know, the whole thing is like an examination - of women who are - Crazy.
- Yeah, there we go.
- Got it.
Um, you know what? I I don't think this job is for me.
Hold on.
You're going to pass on this just to keep working with an insult comic? She's not an insult comic.
She's actually really good.
Doesn't she have a whole run about Malala's face? Well yeah.
- We took a chance on you.
- Mm-hmm.
The network didn't want us to meet with you.
- We pushed back! - We did.
Oh, whatever.
Fuck them, and fuck your show, even though I'm sure it'll be fantastically successful because your accents make everything sound smarter than it actually is.
I don't need your job.
I'd rather have my dignity.
- Ugh! - Holy shit! Are you all right? It's okay.
It's okay.
I'm good.
It's all good! Hey.
Your Diva cup fell out of your bag.
Ah, thanks.
Hi, Jimmy.
I got two minutes till my next interview.
I just wanted to say I am so sorry about Ava.
I had no idea she was coming to L.
to interview for that job.
I had nothing to do with it.
Andy's here from the "Las Vegas Sun.
" I just wanted to explain that it was Kayla.
- She's truly an absolute idiot.
- Okay, thanks for the call.
Could you just give me one more second? I just - Um, got to go.
- Okay.
Kayla, oof, bad.
So, Deborah, everybody is talking about this new show of yours.
What can you tell me about it? Good, good, good.
Well, um I will be telling the untold, most intimate stories of my personal life that no one has ever heard before.
So it'll, uh it'll be a real change of pace, a real, um, change of, uh, tone.
Uh You know, you, uh you asked me a question a few months ago about my ex-husband, Frank.
He had just died, and I believe I said, "No comment.
" Well, actually, you made light of my dandruff problem and told me to fuck off, so we really don't have to go there.
No, I want to.
I want to talk about it.
A lot of people think that Frank started my career.
He didn't.
But we did start our careers together and it was a dream.
And when you share a sense of humor with someone, it's like finding someone who speaks your own, you know, private little language.
And you make each other better.
But his ambition got in the way, and he left me, and I was so scared because I thought I needed someone else and that I would never find anyone like him ever again.
But then I found stand-up.
Thank God.
You know, everyone thinks that stand-up is so scary because you're up there all alone, but it is the least scary thing in the world 'cause no one can disappoint you.
Isn't that a little lonely, though? It's just true.
We come into this world completely alone, and that's how we leave it.
Most people spend their whole lives pretending that's not true but I don't pretend.
I never have.
Uh, where's Deborah? There was supposed to be a run-through.
- She canceled it.
What? Yeah.
Like I just said, she canceled.
♪ Hey.
You canceled the run-through? Yeah.
Got to keep it fresh.
Really? 'Cause I thought you wanted to practice.
How was your doctor's appointment? It was fine.
I-I barely remember it 'cause it was so fine.
Want to help? Sure.
Do you have any extra gloves or anything? [REFRIGERATOR DOOR OPENS.]
- No.
Okay, so I need you to hold the tail.
It's a little slippery.
I wouldn't want to cut off one of those really long fingers.
Wow, this is gross.
You'll get used to it.
Just like a ship ♪ Mm, without a sail ♪ Without a sail ♪ Just like a ship ♪ Just like a ship ♪ Mm, mm, without a sail ♪ Without a sail ♪ But I'm not worried because I know ♪ But I know we can take it ♪ I know ♪ But I know we can take it ♪ I know we can shake it ♪ But I know we can take it ♪ I know we can take it ♪ But I know ♪ We can take it ♪ I searched for pleasure ♪ I searched for pleasure ♪ But I found pain ♪ But I found pain ♪ I looked for sunshine ♪ - I looked for sunshine - Yes, I did ♪ But I found rain ♪ But I found rain ♪ And then I looked for my friends ♪ I looked for my friends ♪
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