Hacks (2021) s02e04 Episode Script

The Captain's Wife

1 Ladies, why do compression socks always make you look like you're about to be wheeled onto an airplane? They scream, "I'm old.
" Well, not me and not these.
You want compression socks that say "Paris," not "hospice.
" You want God damn it, Weed! You ruined another take.
It's so hot, Deb! We need to turn on the air conditioner! Well, as soon as I get a clean take, you can.
Sweltering! Uh, and, Deborah, you forgot the American flag print.
Stupid fucking American flag! Okay.
Okay, uh, let's go from Halloween.
All right.
- Ugh, you ready? - Yeah.
- Okay.
- Ready.
Now, pay special attention to these.
Look at those little witches flying on their little brooms.
Look at that artistry.
Whew, those compression socks are fierce.
What do you want? Oh, uh, I was just thinking maybe I should stay back with Damien and Weed while you're on the cruise.
You're coming, and you'll love it.
Cruises are fabulous, especially gay ones.
Sure, but being in the middle of the ocean is maybe the scariest thing I can imagine, since I can't swim.
- You can't? - Yeah, I told you that.
Must have blocked it out 'cause it's so sad.
- You'll wear a life jacket.
- All right.
I guess gay men will be a good test audience for the show, so it's good if I'm there.
No, no, no, no, no.
This is a money gig.
The people want the old stuff.
I'm doing the classics for my people.
Wealth hoarders? Sorry.
Fucking hell.
Fuck! I was like, "Listen, bitch.
You have cankles.
Don't tell me what to do.
" Mm.
Mark, do you want some of this? Okay, again, it is Marcus.
And no, I have a breakfast meeting across town.
Wait, you're going to work right now? Yup, it is 7:00 a.
Babe, we're your friends, and you need to make sure you're prioritizing your mental health, okay? Seriously, like, we're not doing double shifts until this weekend so we can have the week off.
Okay, no offense, but I'm not a waiter.
- I'm a CEO.
- Okay, Gru.
Who is Gru? From "Despicable Me.
" Leader of the Minions, honey.
Oh, shit, can I get a couple Addies? David, you just literally did cocaine.
Yeah, I did.
It's gone now.
All right, I'll see you guys tomorrow night.
Okay, go make a deal, Gru.
Bye, Gru! Bye, boys.
- Wait, let's crush this.
- Let's crush this.
Lot of ladies.
- Hey, Deb! - Oh, my God.
Margaret Cho.
Great to see you.
You look great.
- You look great.
- Thanks.
- So how were they? - Uh, audiences, B-minus, but the cunnilingus, A-plus.
I-I thought this was a gay cruise.
It is.
Good luck, Deb.
This is amazing.
No wonder you love cruises.
They're like the Vegas of the sea.
No, it's terrible.
Gay men get me.
They always have.
Lesbians aren't my crowd.
And they're crawling all over this boat.
Oh, it's not a boat.
It's a ship.
See? They don't like me for some reason.
Could it be your hundreds of thousands of jokes at their expense over the years? - I think they feel threatened.
- Okay.
I actually meant this was amazing for me, so Nice Chacos! Nice Chacos to you.
What'd you say? Hey.
Do you guys by any chance make mocktails? Yup, what can I get you? I'm trying not to drink alcohol right now 'cause I make very bad decisions when I do, which I know is like, "Duh," but when I think about the person What can I get you? Could you do a nonalcoholic frosé? Yeah.
Well, hello there, m'lady.
Hey, how's it going? I don't think I have seen you on one of these trips before.
No, uh, first time, so I know I'd remember that strawberry mane.
- Yeah.
- I'm Linda.
Uh, Ava.
Nice to meet you.
Who are they? Oh, them.
They come on all these cruises.
They're a real Lavender Travel "it" couple.
- So they're together? - Oh, yeah.
But a lot of people open their relationships at sea.
Rules on land don't apply, you know? Right.
- That makes so much sense.
- Right.
Water is different from land.
Can you dump alcohol in that? Your pheromones are rocking, mama.
I've been trying you.
Your assistant said you were at anger management? She's not supposed to tell people that, but yes.
Uh, it's horrible.
Russell Crowe is my accountability partner.
Does he scream a lot? Worse.
He just whispers.
Pretty sure he's a climate terrorist, because he talks a lot about "finding the oilmen in their homes.
" - Oh, my God.
- Chilling.
- Anyway, how are you? - Not great.
I'm surrounded by lesbians.
I did want to talk to you, actually, - about the casino showcase.
- Oh, good.
- Okay, hear me out.
- Kind of interesting idea here.
What do you think about a residency at Terrible's casino? Jimmy, Terrible's is 40 minutes off the Strip.
I know.
I know it's not ideal.
Look, I have been having some trouble booking casinos on the Strip or, honestly, even slightly off the Strip.
Well, just, you know, keep keep on 'em.
Yeah, I-I will.
And, um, good luck with the, um, lesbians.
Yeah, thanks, Jimmy.
I'll talk to you later.
How's Jimmy? He's good, and good news about the showcase.
- MGM is very interested.
- Amazing.
And in more amazing news, I've been thinking.
And since we're in international waters, I think it's different, and so I can drink.
I don't care.
These are just artificial rules you make up for yourself.
You should be writing jokes for me.
I mean, you speak lesbian, right, - 'cause you're half? - Deborah.
Deborah Vance? Oh, my God, I can't believe you're on this cruise.
- Hi.
- See? You have fans here.
I bought a pair of your jean-ish ankle leggings on QVC.
Oh, one of the best sellers, yeah.
Feels like you're not wearing pants.
Cheaper than taking a family of four to the movies.
Yeah, well, the elastic band gave out after one wash.
I've been trying to return them for months.
Well, you know what? I think you'll find that if you contact our crack QVC customer care service team, they will take care of you in a jiffy.
You'll have to excuse us.
We're going to the buffet.
I've been wanting to go the buffet.
I would never.
I'm not gonna eat food that's been seasoned with the breath of 300 people, thank you very much.
Okay, well, I'm gonna go.
Bon appétit.
I'm fairly certain I sent that email.
Is there no way to avoid delay? Jesus.
No, not you.
Let me call you right back.
What are you doing here? I told you I needed to get work done today.
Well, Joe looked like he needed a belly rub.
- What do you mean looked like? - Well, we watch the puppy on the puppy cam all day.
What? Why? Well, because we needed a puppy fix and you have a puppy.
Honey, your place is a mess, by the way.
You cannot be employee of the month and be the last one to leave the club every night, Marcus.
So you break into my house, then tell me how to live.
Honey, I'm just trying to help.
Okay, Mom, stop.
I'll get it.
I'll take care of it, just like I take care of you two and everything else.
Excuse me, I am very self-sufficient.
Who are you talking to? You better check your boy.
Okay, maybe we should go.
Yeah, I think you should.
And I'm changing my puppy cam password.
Well, good, 'cause I don't want to see you walk around butt-ass naked noway.
Oh, my God.
So, Dad, you always wanted to see the Caribbean.
You play? Oh, uh, tennis? Yeah, I hit.
So annoyed there's not a court on the boat.
- It's a ship.
- Oh, right, sorry.
But, um, do you know where pool two is? Yeah.
Yeah, it's just I think it's just past the zip line.
Are you going to the "she-ano" bar tonight? Uh, yeah, I'll be there.
Music is lets my soul on fire, - so yeah, I'm going.
- Great.
I can't wait to see you then.
Uh, you I also.
I heard there are multiple Olympic athletes on board.
Apparently if we were a country, we'd place at least fifth in medals overall at least.
You want to come out tonight, be my wingman wing person? No, I'm gonna stay, and I'm gonna take one of those depression naps you're always raving about.
Okay, jealous.
Oh, no.
I missed a call from Marcus.
Ugh, I'm gonna murder him.
This is not like him.
He messed this cruise up big-time.
Well, maybe you need to blow off some steam.
No, thank you.
But if you're planning on seducing any of these women out there, you should fix your nails.
I did them.
They're beautiful.
Yeah, if you did them while riding a jackhammer.
No, look, let me clean them up.
Why is Marty FaceTiming me? - FaceTime at night? - Maybe he wants to, you know.
How's my lipstick? It looks good.
Shit, why does he do these things to me? Oh, my God, you're stunning.
Hey, hey.
God damn it.
Chunked that one.
Hello? Marty.
Oh, hey, Deb.
I must have butt-dialed you.
How you doing? Oh, um, I'm great.
I'm good.
How are you? I'm over 90 with three holes to go.
But other than that, I'm doing great.
Over 90 with three holes to go? You sound like Hugh Hefner.
Listen, I gotta run.
Take care.
Hey, thanks for calling, Deb.
I didn't call Golf is racist, right? - Go wash your hands.
- Absolutely.
Can I ask you something? Oh, God.
You know, with all the invasive questions you ask without permission, I can only imagine what perverse road we're about to go down.
No, it's just I've been thinking about the way you talk about sex in your act, and you have all these jokes about unfulfilling sex with men.
It's just a part of my shtick.
Right, but that plus what I think would be considered an abundance of k.
lang material I'm not trying to negate your identity, but Have you ever considered being with a woman? Yeah.
I'm with one right now, and I wish I wasn't.
Come on.
I like men.
So no, I've never considered it.
There are times that I wished I was gay because I think dating women would be a hell of a lot easier.
But it wouldn't have actually been, right? To be queer when you grew up? No, no, it wouldn't have been.
But doesn't really matter.
You know, I got a crush on Paul McCartney in seventh grade and never looked back.
That is the straightest Beatle to have a crush on.
But have you ever considered, like, why you like men? I don't understand that question.
In my day, there were two options: you liked one, or you liked the other.
I mean, why do some people like jazz, some people like classical? You just like what you like.
Sure, but that's the thing.
I have listened to all kinds of music, and I'm not saying you're wrong to like men I am into men too, sadly but I just, like I've realized that sometimes I conflate the rush I feel when a man shows interest in me with actual feelings of attraction, which makes sense because it feels good to get attention from the group that's held up as, like, the leader gods of society or whatever.
But I thought you were born gay or straight, and I have conceded that there are an elite few that are born bisexual.
I mean, isn't that what your generation's all about, you know, "born this way"? I just think there's room for more nuance.
Like, not every queer person feels like they arrive into existence with an attraction to, like, a specific kind of person, and that's okay too.
Your sexuality isn't a choice, but whether or not you examine it, I think, is.
Do you even know where you are on the Kinsey scale? It's a really handy tool.
So it measures your orientation from zero to six.
I could pull it up on my phone.
I just, like, keep it open on a tab I know what the Kinsey scale is.
Thank you, Professor, for the seminar.
The Kinsey scale is older than I am.
Oh, God, I just depressed myself.
I do need to go out for a drink.
Whoa, whoa.
What about the rest of my manicure? Oh, who cares? Just put your left hand in your pocket.
If it'll fit.
Thank you.
- That's them.
- Hmm? Oh.
And have you examined why you feel attracted to these gals? Because they're extremely hot.
But do you feel that society has programmed you to feel this way? You know, not society at large.
More so "The L Word" and the U.
Women's National Soccer Team.
Okay, I'll be your wingman.
Watch and learn.
Excuse me, ladies.
Would you settle a bet for us? - Sure.
- Sure.
I gave my platonic traveling partner a manicure on one hand only, and we want you to pick the one you think is best.
Yeah, let's see it.
The right.
- Wow, your hands are so soft.
- Insane.
Oh, that's the Sisleya L'Integral Anti-Age Hand Care Concentrate.
It's all about active botanicals.
You guys into botanicals? Well, to be honest, we think it's a binary and you're just born gay or straight.
Totally, totally.
Oh, fuck.
Well, listen, we gotta go meet up with a date for the rest of the night.
Okay, well, uh, nice talking to you guys.
Would you want to hang tomorrow? Drinks by the pool at, like, 10:00? - Yes, that would be - yeah, that'd be great.
- Cool.
- Great.
- Well, we'll see you then.
- All right.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
I'm on the books.
You're welcome.
I'm sorry, I hate to be that person, but I'm such a fan.
Oh, please don't apologize.
I love you being that person.
- You're hilarious.
- Oh.
No, but seriously, you're just so amazing in everything that you do.
Thank you.
- Marla.
- Oh, Deborah.
Nice to meet you.
Well, I don't want to take any more of your time, uh, Deborah, but I just thank you, thanks.
- Marla.
- Yeah? Would you like to buy me a drink? Absolutely.
Excuse me.
When I knew I had ♪ Oh.
Oh, I love that song.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I've gotta I've gotta get closer.
Before for the day I met you ♪ Life was so unkind ♪ You're the key to my peace of mind ♪ 'Cause you make me feel ♪ You make me feel ♪ You make me feel ♪ BOTH: Like a natural woman ♪ I'm sorry.
I'm gonna take this now.
And when my soul was in the lost and found ♪ You came along to claim it ♪ Oh.
I didn't know just what was wrong with me ♪ Till your kiss helped me name it ♪ ♪ Now I'm no longer doubtful ♪ Of what I'm living for ♪ And if I make you happy, I don't have to do more ♪ 'Cause you make me feel ♪ You make me feel ♪ You make me feel like a natural woman ♪ Oh, baby, what you done to me ♪ Done to me ♪ You make me feel so good inside ♪ Good inside ♪ And I just want to be ♪ Close to you, you make me feel so alive ♪ You make me feel ♪ You make me feel ♪ You make me feel like a natural woman ♪ You make me feel ♪ You make me feel ♪ You make me feel like a natural woman ♪ Hey, hey, hey.
How 'bout another one? Yeah! Okay, that cover needs to be on iTunes.
Oh! Stop.
Ava, Ava, Ava, I was thinking about what you said last night, and look at me.
Look at me.
I'm eating at the buffet.
Buffets aren't inherently queer, but sure.
See you at your show tonight, Deb.
Oh, can't wait.
I can't believe how wrong I was.
I mean, I should have embraced lesbians years ago.
They love women, and I'm a fabulous one.
I mean, it just makes perfect sense.
I'm a high femme, apparently.
Just learned that in the buffet line.
Nice Chacos.
Ladies and ladies, please welcome to the stage Deborah Vance! Oh, no.
She's doing Ellen.
You know, I gotta say, I can't believe so many women came tonight And all at the same time.
So now I'm like, "Fuck it, I'm gonna start voting.
" Wait, you never voted before? - You want some? - What is it? - Whiskey, we snuck it in.
- God.
Open up a tab and get whatever you want.
- Yes! - Thanks, Daddy.
Excuse me.
Be right back.
Oh, my God, hi.
It's so good to see you.
I thought you hated clubs.
Oh, I do.
But now I like it.
Oh, my God, how was Zion? "Zi-un"? Zion.
It was really fun.
I really wanted to go, but I guess I really fucked that up.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I don't really think this is the place to have that convo.
But maybe we can talk another time.
We can't.
I blocked your number.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
I had to.
I don't trust myself not to call or text you.
And if I do call or text you, I don't trust myself not to tell you that I love you, which I shouldn't say 'cause you don't love me back.
I'm saying it now because I'm on Molly.
- Molly.
- Yeah.
Got ya.
But I do mean what I'm saying.
I'm just saying it 'cause I'm on Molly.
Well, yeah, I heard you the first time.
- Are you here with anyone? - Yeah.
Over there.
Oh, those guys.
Wilson, I want you to meet someone.
One sec.
Do you have a ride home? Yeah.
Why? I can go with you.
No, no.
I'm just making sure.
Take care, okay? Okay.
It's terrible.
You know, I have to tell you guys, I've had the best time here.
Thank you so much.
Truly, truly.
And I'm gonna tell you something honestly.
When I first found out I was booked on a lesbian cruise, I was angry.
But you have welcomed me with open arms, and I am so flattered.
And if you know me at all, you know that flattery is my biggest turn-on.
I mean, I should have known women know how to treat women.
I mean, what have I been doing all these years, wasting my time with men? I mean, you have no idea what it's like waiting around all day for your partner to finish playing golf.
Well, probably because you were both playing golf.
Oh, she didn't like that one.
She must be distracted.
Excuse me, miss.
My jokes are up here.
Don't worry, you're not really my type.
- Oh, she's not into me.
- This lesbian must be broken.
You wrote these? Doesn't sound like you, my fuego chick.
No, she's going off-book.
Eh, it's okay.
Doesn't matter.
I mean, I'm out of her league, right? Oh, come on, I'm playing.
I mean, I know I'm your type.
Yeah, you were flirting with me all night.
Uh, you're not.
I was actually just trying to get my wife a refund for her leggings.
Oh, Christ.
Well, you know what? You're not my type either, lady.
You're a lady.
Good luck with your marriage.
Your wife's obsessed with me.
No, I am not.
No, I am not.
Hey, well, you, hey, you there in the second row.
I mean, would you date me? I mean, you're reading a book.
Um, actually, I'm married to the captain.
The captain.
Oh, God.
Bring him out.
I love a man in uniform.
She's a woman.
The captain's a woman? Oh, God.
Hope we don't have to parallel park this thing.
Oh, please.
It's not a lesbian joke.
It's a woman joke.
Everyone hates women! What? They do.
Well, you missed! I thought you were all Olympians! Shit.
Joe, did you chew this? Joe? Joe? Fuck.
Can someone help? Please? Sir, please calm down.
What happened? I think he got into some Adderall when I was at Queergasm um, an event.
Just give him to me and have a seat.
Sam, I need you.
- Shots? - At 10:00 a.
? - Why not? - Sure, I mean, 100%.
Don't talk to me till I've had my vodka, you know? Mm-hmm.
Tastes weird after toothpaste.
Wow, okay, you're hot and funny? I guess.
- Hi.
- Miss Vance.
Can I speak to you for a moment? Of course.
A lot of the guests were very offended last night, especially the captain's wife.
And apparently you hit someone with a shoe.
It was thrown at me.
I was returning it.
Well, the passengers have held a quorum.
A quorum? There's been a vote, and they want you off.
Off? Ouch, that's a nasty bruise.
Oh, yeah, I got bored in my room, and I tried to do a cartwheel, and I hit my leg really hard.
Poor baby.
Should I kiss it? Yeah.
Ava! Get your shit.
We're leaving.
Leaving? What? No, we're in the middle of the ocean, and no! Yeah, well, there was a quorum, and it didn't go our way.
We're off.
Okay, well, I'll meet you at the dock, then.
The dinghy will be here in ten.
Dinghy? - Right this way.
- Right this way, Miss Vance.
I'm fine.
Watch your step.
- Let go of me.
- Watch your step.
Let go of me! Why didn't you just make us walk the fucking plank? Hey, Deborah! Try again, bitch.
What? Oh! Piece-of-shit leggings.
You know what, Deborah? Your orientation isn't gay or straight.
It's egomaniac.
Ah, this waistband is kind of loose.
Yeah, should have done another round of testing.
Oh, no.
The Molly's hitting.
What? - I might have to dance.
- You did Molly? Okay, I can't watch this.
Oh, oh, is that a dolphin? Right there.
- No, that's trash.
- Oh, God.
- Hey, buddy.
- Oh, Sam, Sam, no.
We are not releasing that dog right now.
- What? - I'm sorry, but you're clearly on drugs, and it is my professional and moral obligation to keep this animal from harm.
Okay, you can't keep my dog from me.
I actually can.
- Okay, this is ridiculous.
- I'm fine, okay? I'm a responsible person.
I can take care of a dog.
I-I run a fucking multimillion-dollar company! Can my mother pick him up? Sure.
Put him in room three.
It was not a gay cruise.
It was a lesbian cruise! - Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
I was almost a victim of unprovoked physical violence.
I'm sorry.
Where have you been? Fuck.
Look, I'm so sorry.
I thought I read that contract, but I must have just DocuSigned it quickly.
And I was dealing with Roy that day, and I approved the wrong lookbook, and it goes into production today, and, Deborah, I know it's no excuse, but I haven't been sleeping well lately.
And my dog Oh, Marcus.
Don't worry.
Don't worry.
Look, look, why don't you come join us on the road? Wait, why? You need me? Is Alice not working out? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, she's gone, so I do need you.
I'll be on the next flight.
Good, great.
Okay, I'll see you soon.
See you soon.
They kicked you off the boat? It's a ship, and you're fired.
Well, FYI, I ate some of your fancy cream 'cause I thought it was dip.
And it's really dangerous to keep it in the fridge.
Good luck getting to Springfield on time!
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