Hacks (2021) s02e05 Episode Script


1 Okay, um, U.
He killed someone.
A senator? I don't know! Pass.
Um, uh uh, blind singer.
- John Lennon! - Time.
Oh, my God, wha Stevie Wonder.
Mm, how does he play the piano if he's blind, Ava? Oh.
So you guys got zero points again.
- God.
- Unbelievable.
- Ready? - Mm-hmm.
Bought your old house.
- Suzanne Pleshette.
- Yes.
Stole your hairdresser.
- Keith Urban.
- Yes.
Didn't say hi at JFK.
- Marie Osmond.
- Yep.
You don't know her.
Ooh! Cheap couch.
Oh, Barbara Bush! - This is so easy.
- Yes.
You used to share a gardener.
- Roy.
- Yes.
- Ted Kennedy.
- Yes.
There was no guardrail.
- Five seconds.
- Um broken condom.
- Robert Mitchum.
- Yes! Time! We did it! We did it! - You guys obviously win again.
- Yes! It's, like, 75 to 0.
I think we should work.
You big baby.
My business manager embezzled from me and bought himself a place in Tallahassee.
I sued him, and the court gave me the house in Tallahassee.
I said, "Why are you punishing me?" I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Is that too I mean, "Boo-hoo, my business manager stole from me"? Well, yeah, but it's what really happened to you.
We just need to write a better punch line.
Um what about "My business manager stole from me and bought a Rolex.
Now every time he looks at it, it says '30 years to life.
'" It's not terrible.
That's what I love to hear.
This is hard.
Oh, my God! How do you take those all at once? Oh! It takes too much time to take them individually.
So you have to unhinge your jaw like a snake? - God, I could never.
- Oh, yeah, you could.
I've seen you take a bite of a hamburger.
In fact, here.
You should take one of these.
Oh, I don't Oh, come on.
Take it.
It's good for you.
- You need it.
- Wait, this is huge.
We have an emergency.
They're retiring Black Pashmina.
- What? - Yeah.
- It's being discontinued.
- No! - Can I have some water? - I'm so sorry.
What's that? Ugh, it's the fragrance I have worn for 25 years.
I found a Lord & Taylor 200 miles from here, and they have it in stock.
Okay, all right, if we skip the meet and greet and reroute, we can still make it to Springfield on time.
Really? Oh, my God.
I'm so glad you're here.
Oh, there's a free gift with purchase.
Lip liner and a travel size of the fragrance.
Oh, no, they're gonna sell like wildfire.
- Yep.
- Phil! Step on it.
We're taking a detour.
And remember, yellow means hit the gas! So I use four to six bottles every I'm gonna need 57 bottles.
That is a lot of bottles.
Well, I plan on living to be 102.
Optimistically, 109.
Like, biblical almost.
What's in those pills? Well, I've been on a Mediterranean diet for the last 40 years.
I come from Pilgrim blood.
We're a very hearty people.
Um not sure you should be, like, proud of descending from colonizers.
I just, like, think that Tweet it.
No can do.
Yeah, I'm gonna take the testers too.
Okay, I need 33 more.
See if you can find any anywhere on our route.
You and I are gonna go to the clearance rack before we go.
People in this part of the country don't understand fashion, so the best stuff gets passed over.
Wow, what happened to, "Just because they don't live in New York or LA doesn't mean they don't know what's funny"? They know comedy.
But they dress like tableware.
When I was a kid, I used to hide in these racks, and one time I hid way too well and my mom couldn't find me for, like, nine hours.
- Oh, God.
- I realized you could survive in a mall for a long time, though.
Like, you could sleep in the home goods section.
Live off samples from the food court.
Go to school at Barnes & Noble.
That'd make a good movie.
Kid grows up in a mall.
Yeah, it could be, like a metaphor for losing a parent.
Like, "Home Alone" meets late stage capitalism.
You should write that.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
See, this wouldn't fit me, but this would fit Absolutely not.
Absolutely not.
Finally! A woman! Ugh, you've gotta hire an HR person.
I'm buying this for you.
I'm buying it all.
- I don't want this.
- Oh, it's not for you.
It's for the rest of us.
Deborah? Susan.
Susan Essig? Oh, my God.
The hell? Oh, my God.
This is Ava.
Ava, Susan.
- It's been forever.
- Yeah, I know.
Just think, a child born the day I quit comedy would be old enough to quit comedy now.
Wait, wait.
When did you quit? I retired after that Reno showcase.
You remember that? Oh.
Yeah, yeah.
What are you doing here? Well, actually, we're on our way to Springfield.
I'm doing the state fair.
- Oh, fun.
That's - Excuse me.
I'm still waiting on those flats in an 8 1/2.
You're excused.
She's actually helping us.
Yeah, I actually do work on commission, so I should probably get back to helping her.
Yeah, well, good, good.
Wait, no, she needs shoes.
Ava, go pick out some shoes.
- Anything I want? - Sure.
Not from the men's department! You know, the state fair is very popular around here.
My grandkids love it.
They go crazy for those deep fried Oreos.
I know I'm spoiling them, but I'll be long dead by the time they develop diabetes.
Oh, God.
Oh, well, look, you know what? Tell you what, why don't you bring them? Bring them to the fair and come and see the show.
Well, we'd love that.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Give me your number.
- Yeah, yeah.
Let's see.
- Now you put yours in mine.
- Oh.
Okay, and then I'll put mine in yours.
Okay, so I don't know.
I opened something called Keynote? Oh, shoot, I just put my number - in your calculator.
- Oh, well, you know what? Here, take a picture of my calculator, and then you could text me the picture.
Well, which one's your camera? - No, the camera on your phone.
- Ugh.
Stepping in, folks.
Just gonna Handle that for you guys.
No problem.
There you go.
I should go help that bitch.
But I'll see you at the fair.
Go, go.
All right, talk to you soon.
Okay, loafer report.
Okay, so these are technically unisex, but I thought you might like them because they are $800.
You okay? Yeah.
It's just kind of weird when I run into one of the ones who didn't make it, you know? I just feel bad.
It's not your fault.
In the case of Susan, it kind of is.
What do you mean? There was this stand-up showcase in Reno, and the finalists all got to go to the nationals, and if you won, then you were booked on all the college shows, so it was a really huge deal.
And I knew that there was only room for one woman, if that, so I erased Susan's name off the whiteboard so she wouldn't know she'd made it into the final round.
Yeah, I know, I know.
And right after that, she retired.
And now she works for commission in the shoe department.
Eh, a little classist.
She was really good, you know? I saw her as competition.
Why did I invite her to the fair? Last thing she's gonna wanna do is watch me perform.
Well, I mean, if she's that upset by it, she probably won't come, right? You're right.
Of course she won't.
No, it'd be too painful for her.
Fantastic! Okay.
Wait, is this the way out? No, I'm taking us to Mrs.
I need a cookie cake.
Oh, Jesus.
Kayla, it's Saturday.
You gotta start using that calendar I gave you.
Oh, no, I know.
I heard you had to cancel your trip to Cabo this weekend 'cause you had to work.
I thought I'd come here in case you need anything.
Plus, I feel so bad about your trip that at lunchtime, I'm gonna make you a piña colada.
Bring a little island to you, brother! Oof, okay.
Um, not an island.
Also be careful with the accent, but that's actually very sweet.
Just do me a favor.
Could you make it virgin since I'm working? Um, I don't think I can, but I can try.
Okay, thank you.
Thanks for coming in.
My boss.
Gotta love him.
With all the discarded food, I would love to see a composting bin somewhere.
Ah, yes, let's make sure that nacho dog returns to Mother Earth.
Susan actually came.
Maybe you should just apologize.
No, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'll treat her and her family to a day she'll never forget.
I mean, how much could that cost, 47 bucks? Okay, I gotta go find her.
Do you guys mind doing the sound check without me? - No.
- All right, thank you.
Hey, uh, can you guys handle sound check? I found 14 bottles of Black Pashmina on the dark web.
- Scary.
- Be careful.
The dark web? Think he means Facebook.
- Hello, hello.
- Deb! - This is Keller.
This is Mason.
- Hi.
Boys, this is world-famous comedian Deborah Vance.
Tell you what, I got VIP passes so you don't have to wait in line.
- And 600 tickets.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
That's too much.
No, it's the least I can do.
Well, I am just so excited to see you perform.
Do you still have that joke about the leper's penis? No, no, no, no, no.
The set's a little different these days.
No, I'm actually working on some new stuff.
It's more confessional.
Huh, and you're trying it out here? Actually, state fairs are good for that.
I mean, it's not just comedy fans.
It's everybody, you know? People from the city, suburban folk, you know, all ages.
It's a good cross-section.
You always knew your audience.
Well, not that time in Portland.
Do you remember the skinhead bar? Oh, they did not like us.
Oh, my God.
We didn't know they were angry skinheads.
I just thought they were bald and angry because they were bald.
- Your grandma's funny, isn't she? - Yeah.
Okay, who's ready to go have a great time? - Yes! - Me! You? Okay, let's go! Here we go.
Stick together.
Okay, so we have, like, two hours to kill? Yeah, I'm gonna head back to the bus, do some work.
Really? Come on.
It's a Saturday and we're at a fair.
Don't you wanna, like, go on a ride or something? - I don't do rides.
- Please? I was an only child, so I never got to go on rides at these things 'cause my parents didn't want to and I'd have to go by myself.
Come on a ride with me.
Okay, these rides are held together by Gorilla Glue and rubber bands and manned by children on meth.
Ugh, okay, fine, we we could bet on the time the baby calf is born.
It says there's a $1,000 cash prize.
Think of how many skintight polos you could buy.
Okay, I don't gamble, and you shouldn't joke about clothes.
Okay, do you want to look at the butter sculptures? - The butter sculptures? - Okay, okay.
We could get our caricatures drawn.
You sitting still and not talking.
- I'm in.
- Whoo! - Okay.
- Yes.
Love the fair! Fucker! Everything all right? Ya, mon! "Ya, mon.
" You do? Oh, shit.
Kayla, you're bleeding.
- Are you okay? - I cut myself.
And, uh, I'm a little wheezy from the blood.
But I want you to have a good time.
Okay, it's really bleeding, like, a lot.
For a second, I'm just gonna have a little bit of Okay.
All right.
Just stay there.
I'm gonna get the first aid kit.
'Cause I feel a little bit like I'm gonna throw up.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
- Grandma, squirt guns! - Can we? Let's go.
We've got four seats left.
Okay, okay, we'll take 'em.
Just take 'em.
- Let's go, let's go, let's go.
- Come on down.
2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12.
There you go.
This one's a little tricky.
You have to press really hard on the trigger, but not all the way.
Don't worry.
I'm gonna let them win.
All right, guys.
Three, two, one.
Showtime! Go! Look at 'em going.
Look at 'em growing.
Who's gonna win? There's only one way of knowing.
- Mine's going! - No, mine's going! You're too fast.
I'm never gonna catch up.
Watch and see.
Who's it gonna be? Look, Grandma's winning.
Oh, how is this happening? Grandma, she's getting closer! Come on, come on! It's not coming out.
I think there's something wrong with my gun! You're a lost cause! Help me.
Shoot towards Grandma's hole! That's cheating.
There's no teams! Come on.
Whoo! Winner, winner, winner, winner, winner! I'm gonna go get some funnel cake.
Let's go, boys.
Um, this is for you.
- Thank you.
- Congratulations.
Look at you two.
Such a cute couple.
My goodness.
- You guys married? - Not yet.
- What's the holdup there, bub? - Her personality.
Uff da.
So what are you - what do you guys do for a living? - I'm a writer.
And I'm the chief executive officer for an entertainment personality's media and consumer products empire.
Uh, okay.
Um so what do you guys do for fun? Um Writing.
But isn't that your job? Yeah.
Okay um, what about you? I own and manage several rental properties.
Yeah, look, guys, I'm kind of looking for hobbies here, you know? Something I could actually draw.
So again, what do you do for fun? The way I go through ChapSticks, it should be a hobby.
I like to organize my Pinterest.
I'm just gonna think of something.
- That's probably best.
- Yeah.
- We'll do that.
- Okay.
Okay, this might sting.
Okay, okay, okay.
You think I'm gonna need stitches? No, I think you're gonna be just fine.
I feel so stupid.
I was just trying to do something nice, but I always fuck everything up.
Maybe I should just quit and go run Fox Searchlight or whatever.
You know what? It's okay.
I fucked up so much when I was an assistant.
- Really? - Oh, my God, one time, I was on Carl Dubin's desk, and I sent two clients on the exact same show each other's W-2s.
So? So they found out how much the other one was making.
One was making $150,000, while the other was making $200,000 for the same exact job.
That's, like, so little money.
It is more than you get paid.
Yeah, but I just do this for travel money.
By the way, next week, I need off because I'm going to the dentist again.
Hmm okay, my point is, I messed up a lot too, and it's all part of it.
- Yeah, it's okay to mess up.
- Exactly.
'Cause our dads founded the company.
Well, actually, it's just the opposite for me.
You know, I feel like everybody thinks I have this job because of my dad, so it makes me want to work extra hard to prove I deserve to be here.
Well, obviously you deserve to be here, but everyone thinks that I'm, like, a big joke.
Hey, you're not a joke.
I mean, sometimes I think maybe your outfits are intentionally tongue in cheek or something, but you're not a joke.
But I will say, sometimes, it does feel like maybe you don't want to be here.
But I really want to be here.
I want to be a manager like you.
Okay, great.
Well, you can.
- You just have to prove it.
- Okay.
Maybe you could reschedule your dentist for the weekend? I'll try, but I already booked the ticket.
To the dentist office.
Maybe we find you a local dentist, yeah? Okay.
You feeling better? No.
Do you have Oxy? No, I don't.
But we have Advil.
Doesn't work on me.
- Huh.
Tylenol? - Mm.
Okay, here.
So let me know what you guys think.
- I got you, girl.
- This is beautiful work.
Yeah, this is going in our dining room.
Aww, that's nice.
Thank you.
All right.
- Yeah.
- Have fun.
Well, we didn't really give him much to work with.
I guess we're both all about our jobs.
But at least you're a CEO and, like, super successful.
- I guess.
- Uh, yeah.
Plus you own multiple homes and you're in a relationship with a 9.
Actually, Wilson and I broke up.
A while ago.
That sucks.
I'm really sorry.
Mostly because I'm married to my work, obviously.
And when I did try to have fun, I almost killed a dog.
Like, for revenge? - No, it was an accident.
- Ah.
Well, accidents happen.
I called Deborah "Mommy" earlier.
- Oh.
- I don't even call my mom that.
You know, Marcus, you're really smart and so attractive and incredibly tall.
You're gonna find someone.
Can you maybe not tell anyone about the breakup? Of course.
Spousal privilege.
Okay, I will do one ride.
Yes! Slingshot, bitch.
Let's go! Okay.
Um I-I wanted you to have this hemorrhoid pillow they gave me.
Hemorrhoid pillow? This is a plush donut.
But thank you.
You can still use it as a hemorrhoid pillow.
Do you think I have hemorrhoids? N-no! God, no.
No, I just Susan, I I just I'm sorry.
I got so carried away back there.
Oh, it's fine.
It's a silly game.
But you haven't changed a bit.
You are still the most competitive person I have ever met.
About that, I I owe you an apology.
I think that I'm the reason that you quit doing stand-up.
Oh, I wouldn't say it was your fault.
No, it is.
When they posted the advancing comics at the showcase I erased your name.
You had made it to the final round, and I can't help but think that if you had moved on, you'd have just kept going.
- Wait, what? - No, I know.
I know.
There's no excuse.
I'm sorry.
You really could have made it.
Deborah, hold on.
You think I quit comedy because I didn't make it to the next round of a college showcase? Well, it was a national college showcase.
No! That was when your daughter hit her head and got a concussion.
- What? - Yeah.
She was, like, ten, and she snuck a bottle of vodka from the bar, she hit her head on a table in the green room.
She got a concussion.
Do you not remember this? I remember I closed with the one-legged cheerleader joke and it killed.
DJ concussion no.
Wait, wait, why would you retire after that? Well, I'd just found out that I was pregnant.
And, um then that happened and I saw the sacrifices you were making to have your daughter on the road.
And I just had this vision of the kind of person I'd have to be in order to make it, and You were completely devoted to your work.
You had to be.
You were like a shark.
I mean, case in point, you didn't even realize it happened.
Hell, I don't even remember it now.
Well, the point is, I couldn't do it.
Or I didn't want to.
But it's nice to know I made it to the next round.
You were really funny.
I know.
You miss it? Sometimes, when I see someone like Leona Skaggsley doing a guest spot on "Grey's Anatomy", I think, "Ooh, I could have been funnier than that.
" Yeah, well, not the most comedic show.
Well, sometimes they use the guest actors for levity.
That's true.
I am so, so sorry I erased your name.
Hey, we both did what we had to do.
And it worked out for both of us, right? Also, I told everyone you blew one of the judges to get on that showcase.
So I call it even.
You bitch! - All right.
- Whoo-hoo! Down.
- Here we go.
- Here we go.
Uh, I want - I want to get off.
- What? I want to get off.
We need to get off.
You're the one who wanted to do this.
I don't.
I decided that I don't.
I'm only doing this for you, Ava.
Excuse me.
Uh, sir.
Does anyone - let me off! - We're already strapped in.
Stop! Seriously! - Stop! I have a bomb! - This isn't a plane, Ava.
Diarrhea! Stop the ride or I'll make a big mess! Oh, no! Oh, God! No, no! Hey, I'm headed out.
Mahalo, my king.
And I was thinking.
How would you like to do coverage on a couple scripts for me? - Really? - Yeah.
Oh, I would love to.
Thank you, Jimmy.
Thank you.
I'll see you Monday? I'll see you Monday.
"What is coverage script.
" Uh-huh, uh-huh.
You know what I'm talking about.
Being a female comedian is a lot of joke writing and then men telling you you're ugly or that you should sleep with them, whereas women in other professions don't write as many jokes.
But I'm lucky to be in comedy because I could never have been a nurse, I mean, my God, those shoes Ladies and gentlemen, Bessie is calving.
The calf birth is just moments away.
Check your tickets and head to tent four to see the new addition and claim your prize.
Lord! Honey, I think you should have had a C-section.
You know the rule.
Hooves on the ground.
Oh, there she is! Winning time is 4:36.
Please go to the livestock stall to check your tickets and collect your winnings.
Check your watches, folks.
You know, as I was saying before the future cheeseburger interrupted Folks, we've got another calf! They're twins, which means multiple winners.
You know, I didn't know I was gonna be competing for stage time today.
Should've shown more cleavage.
State fair's a tough crowd, huh? Yeah, well, it's hard to share a time slot with the miracle of life.
Yeah, well, not the first time I've been upstaged by a scene-stealing cow.
I worked with Chevy Chase in the '90s.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
- Thanks for coming.
- Good to see you.
You too.
You hang in there.
Come on, boys.
You actually look good here, though.
You want to beat us at Celebrity? No.
I'm not in the mood.
We got you something.
He was very kind to your hands.
I kept 'em in my pockets.
Well, congratulations to the happy couple.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Appreciate it.
That would have happened to anyone in your position.
No one can compete with a 20-foot cow vagina behind them.
That's the thing.
Nobody at my level would be in that position.
Doing drop-ins and state fairs.
After all this stupid, competitive shit.
For what? Get bumped by a cow.
Fight for a residency at Terrible's an hour off the Strip.
I thought you said the MGM was interested.
Well, they're not.
I should have just retired and gone out on top.
Who are you kidding? You could never retire.
You're gonna be up on that stage until you die.
At 109.
And I'm the same way.
I can't turn it off either.
And nothing matters more, even if it should.
Well shit.
You're right.
And I don't want to stop.
I like the work.
You know, Deborah, back in Vegas, you were on top.
But with all due respect I think that was just a hill.
And now you're climbing a mountain.
A mountain? Ugh.
Sounds exhausting.
We can't even figure out that stupid business manager punch line.
Maybe it's, like, something about filing taxes? Filing taxes filing Filing nails, filing ah, God, no, no, no, I can't do this.
I can't do this.
You know what? Get your bathing suit.
- What? - You need to learn to float.
Come on.
- Come on.
- No.
Nothing's gonna happen.
Come on.
- I don't like it.
- Oh, for Pete's sake.
- I'll hold you.
- Okay.
Okay, I'm gonna hold you up.
Like I'm just gonna support you.
Lean back.
Lean back.
Lift your chest.
Okay, what about this? My business manager stole over $3 million.
If I wanted a man to take that much money from me, I would have married him.
Yeah, but no, we've got so much marriage stuff right before this.
How about how about something about how much that would be today with inflation? - Well, how much would it be? - I have no idea.
My business manager stole over $3 million.
You know how much that is when you adjust for inflation? Neither do I it's why I had a business manager.
Oh, that's good.
Oh, I like that.
I like that.
- I gotta write that down.
- Wait, no, no.
Don't leave me.
You got it.
This is my time to shine.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode