Hacks (2021) s02e06 Episode Script

The Click

We're going backwards.
Felt better a week ago.
Okay, hear me out.
Maybe we're working too hard.
Maybe we need to rest our brains.
DJ's texting you.
- How do you know? - I can read it from here.
Your text setting is enormous.
It's like the top row of an eye exam.
Oh, God, it's another message about ancestry.
Ever since she decided to have a kid, DJ's obsessed with our family heritage.
Oh, I did that, and I found out I had a second cousin who lived an hour away who did not wanna get coffee.
Huh, it appears I'm a descendant of a person in the Salem witch trials.
Betty Parris.
Wait, could we use this for the show? Like, maybe this is the through line we've been looking for.
Oh, maybe.
Um, something about how her story mirrors mine.
- Mm-hmm.
- Umm, beautiful, brilliant woman blazing her own path in a male-dominated world.
- Yes! - Unfairly persecuted.
Found guilty in the court of public opinion.
- Burned at the stake.
- Yes, exactly! Oh, this is good.
This is good.
Um oh, oh, I know.
I know how it could start.
Ooh, shoot.
What? Okay, it turns out Betty Parris was actually one of the Salem witch trial accusers.
She and Abigail Williams kinda kicked the whole thing off.
Lotta innocent women dead.
Her fault.
- Mm.
- Mm.
Well, I don't need - a stupid through line for my show.
- Not at all.
Literally dumb.
Not my department, and I know you hate puppets, - but I was thinking that - I know.
I know.
Babe, hi.
Oh, I am in such a rut.
I need you.
How quickly can you get to Memphis? Hi! Thank you for the ride, and remember, love can be an addiction, too, so set boundaries.
It'll be good for you and her.
I love you so much.
Bye! - Thank you! - Kiki! Yay.
What else? Oh, I got a haircut.
But it kinda grew out, so you can't really tell.
- It's cute.
- Thank you.
And there's this really weird smell in Vegas right now.
No one knows what it is, - but I think it's feet.
- Feet? All those shoes people leave behind? When I'm at my table, girls will literally take off their high heels, and they will never, ever come back for them.
No, it's true.
The Palmetto lost and found is full of Jessica Simpson-brand shoes.
I go a lot 'cause I keep losing my retainer.
But don't worry.
I always find it.
Anyway, I'm just happy to be here.
I've always wanted to visit, and I love Memphis music.
Wait, really? Like what? Like like Elvis? No, like Three 6 Mafia, Pooh Shiesty, Project Pat, Young Dolph, Yo Gotti, NLE Choppa.
Really? Hello! Oh, Deborah, that's 24.
I'm sorry.
Yes, I can count.
- Hm.
- Ugh! Damn it.
I need this to get back into my pre-show rhythm.
Come on, bust, bust, bust, bust, bust, bust.
- Ava wins.
- Shh.
Oh, Deborah's suing me.
Stop trying to cheer me up.
Um, not to add more to your plate, but you should know that Axel is here.
- Axel Axel? - Yes.
Apparently, his restraining order lapsed - a couple years ago.
- Sorry, but who is Axel Axel? - One of Deborah's stalkers.
- One of? How many stalkers do you have? Living? 12.
Mm, 11.
Donna died.
Oh, she did? Oh, she was sweet.
What an athlete.
She scaled that 30-foot pergola like it was nothing.
I mean, seriously, my little sister steals my husband.
She used to just steal my dolls.
But seriously, that that was the worst feeling in the world.
And I once bombed so bad at a USO show, they put me on the No Fly List.
So for tomorrow, we have requests for two radio interviews.
One's with "Gonzo and the Bean.
" Let's do the other one.
Wait a second.
Where's where's Axel? Where's Axel? Is that him? Is he leaving? Hey, Axel.
Ax Axel! Axel! Hey, hey! Hey, hey, Axel, Axel, Axel.
- Oh, wow! Hi! - Hey.
- Hi.
- Deborah.
How you doing? I'm doing better.
Thank you for asking.
Got my own apartment.
Just started working at Best Buy.
Good, good, good, good.
So, um did you did you see the show? Yeah, yeah.
It was good.
- It was different.
- Yeah, it's a whole it's a whole different thing, so what'd you think? I mean, you're always great to watch.
I don't know, it just wasn't the Deborah Vance I'm used to.
Oh, you mean the Deborah Vance that you sent a Ziploc bag full of pubic hair to? I don't do that anymore.
There were some funny jokes, but but it just it was kind of a bummer, and I didn't really expect that from you.
I miss the Deborah who takes everyone down.
Well, nice to see you, Axel.
Oh, quick question while I have you.
Do you know if Chelsea Handler still lives in Brentwood, California? No, I don't, and I wouldn't tell you even if I did.
You know, she never visits Chuy's grave.
Goodbye, Axel.
Oof, it's so scary having a stalker.
Oh, you kinda get used to it.
Someone obsessed with you who could just show up at any moment.
- Ava! - Oh! Mom.
- What are you doing here? - Well, you said the tour was in Memphis for a couple nights, and you said you said it would be fun if I visited.
Those were two different conversations, but hi.
Oh, honey.
Oh, it's so good to see you.
- Hi, I'm Kiki.
- Hi.
Oh, uh uh, Kiki, this is my mom, Nina.
Mom, this is my friend Kiki.
A friend! Oh, Kiki, it's so nice to meet you.
Ava's never mentioned you.
I did, actually.
No, it's okay.
I'm kinda hard to describe anyway.
Kinda have to experience it.
- I love your hair.
- Oh, thanks.
Well, they're extensions.
No, I I know that.
- Well, hello.
- Hi.
Oh, Deborah.
- Hi.
- It's so good to see you.
How are you? This is fun.
I didn't know that you were coming to visit.
No one did.
No one did.
So, uh, Mom, Kiki and I were gonna go to a bar, but I guess we can get you settled at the hotel.
Oh, no.
No, let's go out.
We can all go, right? Um, no, Deborah doesn't wanna go Oh, I need to.
My own stalker just ran away from me.
I could use a couple of drinks.
Whoo! Girls' night out! Yeah, that's what girls' night out is: just two friends, someone's mom, and their boss.
I'm someone's mom too, actually.
- So am I.
- Well, moms' night out then.
- Plus Ava.
- Whoo! There you go.
Whoo! Whoo-hoo! Whoo! Why aren't you and your daughter's father together? We were for a little bit, but we just annoy each other, so I couldn't live with him.
I but I love him.
I love him as a co-parent.
Well, how do your parents feel about you not being married? I mean, aren't Asian families very traditional? - Mom.
- No, it's cool.
I love nosy people.
Uh, yeah, obviously, they're not in love with the fact that we're not married, but, you know, they're happy that we got Luna.
Was it hard raising an only child? Because Luna keeps asking me for a little sister, and I don't know! Oh, no, no.
It was fine.
And-and Ava was more than enough to handle.
- And she turned out great.
- Yeah.
But only because I worked very hard to make sure she was never lonely.
Actually, I was so lonely, I used to draw faces on our pillows and talk to them.
Oh, yeah.
She ruined so many pillows.
But it gave her a great sense of humor, I guess.
Oh, I don't think Luna's gonna be funny.
She's really comfortable with herself.
Okay, okay.
- Thank you.
- Oh, Deborah, thank you.
- You didn't get anything? - I couldn't carry it all.
Two vodka rocks? Those are for me.
Thank you.
- Oh, my God.
- Whoo! - Thank you, thank you.
- So, Deborah, how's the big show going? Eh, not great.
No, it's great.
It's great.
Yeah, you're being too hard on yourself.
I mean, the show doesn't need to be a laugh a minute.
It's not about laughs.
It's-it's a feeling, you know? I can tell when the audience isn't fully with me, and they're not.
You haven't been up there 4 million times.
You can't hear it the way I can.
I relate to that so much, Deborah.
When I'm doing a pitch, I can always tell when they're not gonna buy.
Uh, what? - Oh, my God, I forgot.
- A pitch? I forgot to tell you.
I got a job.
I'm a Vibamins rep.
I'm selling all-natural health and beauty supplements.
Well, that's interesting.
Good for you.
Thank you.
Uh, you could do it too, Ava.
You could find people on the road to work for you.
- Work for me? - Mm-hmm.
Hold on.
Is this an MLM? A what? No, no, no, no.
No, it's an effervescent vitamin tablet No, no, no, like, the more people you recruit, the more money you make? Yeah, well, of course.
What? Mom, that's a pyramid scheme.
No! That's impossible.
- It's on Facebook.
- Oh, my God.
- Mom! - What? What are you saying? - What did I say? - Hey, Deborah Deborah and I are gonna take a lap.
- Mm.
- Be right back.
It's women-owned, Ava.
It's an innocent thing.
I'm making a lot of money, and so is the whole neighborhood.
Hazel Smith who lives next door is so excited.
Her husband's a little upset about the $30,000, but she's really thrilled.
I mean, sure, I have the money, but I I don't wanna go to space.
Ugh, no.
I never wanna go to space.
I do not wanna feel like a grain of sand.
- No.
- No.
- Deborah? - Mm? There is a guy staring at you.
People stare at me all the time I'm famous.
No, no, no, no, no.
These are "fuck me" eyes, not "I've seen you on 'The View'" eyes.
Oh, God.
You're insane.
He could be my son.
Never know.
Why don't you go say hi? - Follow the fun.
- Absolutely not.
What? What? Have fun.
- No.
- Bye.
- Hi.
- Oh, Christ.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Where'd your mom go? Oh, she got upset that I thought she's in a pyramid scheme, which she is - Yeah, she is.
- She went to go ride the bull.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Yeah! - Huh.
- This whole thing is so weird.
Well, it's nice that she wanted to visit.
I guess.
But sometimes it's hard to have, like, casual fun when we never talk about the real stuff that could actually make us close.
But that'll never happen.
Well, I don't know.
Maybe it could.
Like, it's just the two of you now, and she did come all this way.
This could be a good time for a fresh start.
Maybe you're right.
She's certainly showing new sides of herself.
Whoo-hoo! Ava! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! - Oh! - Ooh.
Whoo, Ava! Kiki! - Oh, she's - Oh, she's good.
Yeah, yeah.
Whoo! - Where's Deborah? - Oh, she's about to get her titties sucked by a 40-year-old.
I didn't know attractive people could be so funny.
- Oh, we can.
- Oh, yeah? Yes, yes.
No, it's a myth that we want ugly people to believe just to keep the peace.
People don't like you to have both.
Well, I like that you have both.
Well, I like that you have one.
Well, which one's that? I'm not gonna tell you yet.
Oh, no? Okay.
So what do you do? You really don't know? No.
Should I? No.
Why are you talking to me? Oh, wow, uh I think you're attractive.
Oh, God.
What, what? You have a fetish for older women? I guess I do.
I like older women.
That a bad thing? - Huh? - I don't wanna think about it.
You just asked me if I had a fetish for older women.
So I think you're bold.
Well, I guess we're both bold.
I guess we're both bold.
You wanna come back to my place? So it's a different driver every time? Yeah.
It's just like a taxi.
You'll never see him again.
See, they're hard, those cards.
Like, whatever happened to keys? I don't understand.
The bed.
All right.
We should order a movie.
Do they wait, do they have "Pretty Woman"? Mom, no.
It's late and you're drunk.
I don't wanna start a movie.
I am not drunk.
All right.
Hey, um, Mom, what about tomorrow morning, we get some breakfast? I read about this place, Mary's Pancake House.
We could, you know, catch up and talk for real.
Oh, yeah.
I love that idea.
Okay, great.
They do! They do have "Pretty Woman"! I'm hitting play.
Oh, God.
He is so ha handsome.
So I moved down too.
Got a job at FedEx.
Benefits are good.
Get to see my kids every week.
That's nice.
Thank you.
Ah, beer.
I remember you.
How'd you get this scar? Oh.
When I was a kid, there was a bully in our neighborhood who was chasing my little sister on his bike.
So I tackled him.
You tackled him? That's sweet.
You guys close? We were.
Then she ran off with my husband.
Jesus Christ, you're kidding? Mm-mm.
That's fucking crazy.
How could they do that to you? Truth be told, it wasn't entirely their fault.
I think they both felt neglected because I cared more about my career than I did about them.
Let's not talk about that.
You want a massage? Let's leave that to the professionals.
Are you too tired? No.
This is crazy.
Go with it.
Mm, oh.
Come back later, please.
Mom? I'm just getting back from breakfast, and here, I got your favorite, chocolate chip pancakes.
They're so good.
You went without me? The whole point was for us to go together.
Why didn't you wake me up? I set my alarm.
I turned it off.
You looked so tired.
I looked tired while I was sleeping? Yeah, plus I know how much you love sleeping in.
You were addicted to it when you were a teenager.
- I was clinically depressed.
- No, you weren't! That was an iron deficiency because you went vegetarian.
Happy people eat steak, Ava.
Bridget, down the street, she's a happy girl.
She plays field hockey and eats two steaks a week.
- Okay.
- Okay, good.
Um, so will will you listen to my practice pitch to Deborah? Pitch to Deborah? Mom, no.
Deborah's not interested in Vibamins.
She was just being nice.
She said it was interesting.
Aren't you always telling me to believe women? It's exhausting, but we do.
Okay, uh, will you help me move the desk? Maybe I-I'll stand over here.
Okay, Deborah.
You're someone who knows how important self-care is.
This is our best-selling collagen balm.
It is five times the daily recommended intake of collagen, plus there is turmeric and seaweed in it.
- Why? - I don't know, Ava.
I'm a saleswoman, not a scientist.
Shoot, um, could could you hand me a bottle of water? I should have that ready to go next time.
All right.
So in three to five minutes, you have a delicious raspberry - Oh! - Oh, no! - Mom! - Oh, shoot! Oh! - Fuck.
- Oh, God, oh, God, okay.
This is the notebook we use for Deborah's show.
- It's all our work! - You gave me sparkling water! So it's my fault? You're not even gonna apologize for getting it all over the notebook? How was I supposed to know this was sparkling? It's Perrier! It's always sparkling! - It's famously sparkling water! - Well, I don't sit around in fancy hotels drinking fancy water.
I can't believe you won't just say you're sorry.
Okay! I'm sorry! But that's just a notebook! I mean, if it's good enough, you'll remember it.
- That's not how it works.
- Look oh, wait, here.
- Here's some papers.
- No, not those! Wait.
What is this? Wait, Ava, "Vance v.
Daniels"? Um, Deborah is suing me.
What did you do? What did I do? Why do you assume I'm the one who did something wrong? Because that's usually the case.
Oh, my God.
Is she gonna come after me? It has nothing to do with you, Mom.
- Oh.
- What are you doing? No, I'm I'm calling your cousin Randall.
He went to Suffolk Law.
Randall? He took two night classes in paralegal studies.
- He can't help us.
- Hi, sweetie.
It's Auntie yeah, it's your Auntie Nina.
- Terrible! - Mom.
Hello, boys.
Uh You're sitting on my fur.
Oh, oh, shit.
That's quite all right.
Have a nice day.
Holy shit.
- Do you know who that was? - No.
That's Deborah Vance.
We have her spice rack.
Oh, my God.
I-I gotta go call my mom.
You're leaving already? Oh, well, you know, I like to get to the airport four hours ahead of time.
And I was hoping to get a nap on the plane, but I don't think that's gonna happen now 'cause I'm gonna be worrying about this lawsuit.
And you know, I can barely sleep at home because Mr.
Cream Pie does zoomies all night.
Mom, don't worry about me.
I I have an amazing lawyer who's doing it pro bono.
Yeah, she's I mean, he is really confident he can get it dismissed.
Oh, really? Oh, good.
Oh, good, good.
Somebody knows what they're doing? Yes.
It's okay.
He's tall too.
Don't forget your Vibamins.
Oh, no.
Those are for you.
You probably don't want them.
I just have all this time on my hands now.
And I was hoping that you would just be proud of me for doing something.
I am proud of you, Mom.
You're a girlboss.
Oh, oh.
They they put that on a T-shirt if you hit your volume quota.
I bet.
Hey, if you're willing to get to the airport only three hours ahead of time, we could finish "Pretty Woman.
" Really? Oh, good.
Oh, good.
Oh, good.
You know, this is how your father and I met.
You were a prostitute? - Hell yeah.
- Ava.
I was there with my girlfriend, Joyce Petracelli, and he was there with Joyce's brother, and so we ended up sitting together.
Did he like the movie? Oh, he fell asleep.
How much is this, Marie? Yeah, that sounds like him.
Oh, I do miss him falling asleep everywhere.
Look, I got money to spend in here.
- He was really good at it.
- Yeah.
You're obviously in the wrong place.
Please leave.
Sorry I'm late.
Did I miss Kiki? - Yeah, she went home.
- Oh.
Where's your mom? She out getting her belly button pierced? Maybe.
Did you guys have a good time? Uh, not really.
It was mostly just yelling and watching "Pretty Woman.
" Ah.
Did you have nice time? - I did.
- Okay, pop off, slut.
- Ladies and gentlemen - Oh, nope, sorry.
- That's not - Deborah Vance! Whoo! Go, girl! You you laugh.
My sister stole my husband.
I thought it was bad enough when she just stole my dolls.
That that was truly the worst feeling in the world.
And I Actually, no, it wasn't.
It actually wasn't the worst feeling in the world.
The worst feeling in the world was losing a late-night show.
I'm serious! That was absolutely the worst.
I mean, I had the opportunity to host my own late-night TV talk show.
I would've been the first woman ever to do that.
But it never aired.
And that had been my dream, and I was so close.
I got over my husband, but I never got over that.
No joke.
I I I was a wreck.
At one point, my little girl came up to me and she asked if it was her fault.
And I said, "No, honey.
Of course not.
I mean, the network loved you.
It just " And she said was like, "No, I mean when you and Daddy got divorced.
" Oh, that! Hey, sir, how 'bout you? What is the worst thing that's ever happened to you? Um, I guess it's when my mom died of cancer.
That is a sad one.
And I'm sorry.
But let me ask you a question.
If you had one wish, would you rather bring your mom back to life or host a late-night talk show? I would bring my mom back to life.
See, I can't relate to that! Are you crazy? We're talking 11:30 time slot here.
Deborah Vance, everybody! - That was amazing.
- Yeah, that was it.
That was it, I've been doing this woe-is-me shit, and and I need to balance it.
I need to make more fun of myself.
Okay, but the whole point was to stop making yourself the butt of the joke.
No, but I was never the butt of the joke.
It was a caricature of myself that was.
Yeah, but you shouldn't be the punching bag.
- I mean, you were mistreated.
- No, I know.
I've still got plenty of that stuff.
No, no, no, but listen, I have to admit what I did wrong too.
You said it yourself.
I have to hold myself accountable.
What? When did I say that? In your stupid email.
I am a bully who's been thinking of myself as the victim.
I mean, people like me because I take everyone down, right? Well, I need to take myself down too, in a real way.
- 100%.
- Yeah, no, no.
Don't need that.
Don't need that.
No more, no more.
If it's good, we'll remember it.
You had the answer months ago.
Why didn't you just tell me? All right.
Yeah, that premise thing but I think wait.
But it's a little wordy.
See, if you cut out just end it there.
How many women do you have to care about to be a feminist? I mean, what if I only care about one woman? Me! I wasn't a great mother.
I missed my daughter's first steps.
But I made it up to her.
I was the reason she did 12 more.
So then my doctor told me I have to choose between breastfeeding and formula.
Do I want to bond with my baby, or do I want to keep my perfect breasts? So I turned to my husband and I said, "Go to the grocery store.
" Okay, so I really think we go into this part after - No, no, I'm adding the parent -teacher story there.
So one day, DJ had a parent-teacher conference, but I had a gig in D.
, so I sent Bill, my drag impersonator.
Anyway, DJ was scarred for life, but I crushed at Liberty Hall.
And then I can go into into the Susan stuff.
I erased her name.
I've always been so competitive with other women.
I mean, I once stole backup dancers from Cher.
I'm a comedian! I don't use backup dancers.
Oh, oh, you can punch that with, "They were my" Backup backup dancers.
So I was court-ordered to see a psychologist.
After only two sessions, he knew what was wrong with me: I needed to have sex with him.
Yeah, most people have an hour with their therapist.
I got three minutes.
Or, "Ironically, he was the one therapist who never asked" And how did that make you feel? And you could be like, "I didn't even know the tissue box was for crying.
" I didn't even know the tissue box was for crying.
I thought it was for cleanup.
I wear high heels that hurt my back, most of my meals are 75% lettuce, and I get skin treatments that make my face bleed.
Not only do I not regret that, I hate women who don't make the effort.
I think they're quitters.
You think it's brave showing your bare face and gray hair in society? Try signing a waiver that says you might die during elective surgery.
Now that takes guts! Thank you! - Holy shit.
That was amazing.
- So good.
We got it.
Marcus, you're gonna call Jimmy, - you're gonna cancel the showcase.
- Wait, wait.
What? This isn't a residency.
This is bigger than Vegas.
This is a special.
We're gonna go to the networks and we're gonna sell it.
We're going to LA, baby! Fun.

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