Hacks (2021) s02e07 Episode Script

On the Market

Whose house is this? Mine, unfortunately.
You own a side mansion? I guess I'll stop beating myself up for owning so many tote bags.
I'd love to sell it.
It's been on the market for over a decade, but my asshole neighbors have tanked my property value.
Built a goddamn treehouse that blocked the gorgeous view, which was the whole appeal! Isn't the appeal that it's the castle - from "Beauty and the Beast"? - Mm.
Anyway, I ask them every year, and they won't budge.
I mean, their kids are in their twenties now.
- Grow up.
- Mm.
Are they white-collar criminals or celebrities? Worse.
Hippies with inherited wealth.
Oh, God.
Did I leave the CD on the last time I was here? When was that? 2007? Yes, you did.
The linens are changed, the fridge is stocked, but I cannot get this music to shut off.
But maybe that's okay and it's like we're in a restaurant? Hmm.
Kayla said you wanted to see me.
Yeah, I heard you missed Lil Miquela's Fortnite concert.
- What's up with that? - I know.
I'm so sorry.
I couldn't get the queue code to work.
And then finally when I was in, you know, I got that thing where they have you verify the bicycles, and they have mopeds in there and motorcycles, and it's like, I don't know why they do that.
You know, I'm not a robot, obviously, but, um, anyway, that was a real nightmare, and then I was slammed 'cause I had to cancel Deborah's showcase after that Wait, you canceled the showcase that you've spent months booking? Yeah, well, in talking to Deborah, we've decided to pivot.
And we're gonna actually pitch it as a special, which I think is a great idea Okay, ah, you know Morty Boatwright, right? Yeah.
Didn't he retire? No, no, he works from the from the home now.
- From home? - The home.
The home.
Belmont Village on the West Side.
- It's excellent memory care.
- Huh.
Uh, anyway, I think he's a better fit for Deb.
For what? He's 98 years old.
He'll deal with Deborah, and it'll free you up to expand your roster.
I mean, you bring in younger, bigger clients, clients are gonna bring in money years down the road.
Well, we're in the middle of selling the special, you know, and I've already set up all the pitch meetings.
Look, I have a good feeling about this, okay? Trust me.
Hi, Papa! Hey, baby doll! Deborah V's here to see you.
Oh, thank you.
We're just going over the pitch before tomorrow.
Don't worry about it.
He's got this, Daddy.
There she is, Deborah Vance.
Hey, Jimmy.
Good God, you look amazing! What moisturizer do you use? I use Vaseline.
Do you know that I actually gave this to your father in the 1980s? Yep, right after he became partner.
No, actually, he was in the hospital having hemorrhoid surgery.
Ah, you know what, if it's okay with you, I'm gonna keep telling people the partner thing.
I don't know how to spell "hemorrhoid.
" I just put down "butthole blister.
" I, like, drew a picture.
Is that okay? You know what, Kayla, you can go.
- I'll just take the notes, okay? - Okay, awesome.
- All right, thank you.
- Thank you.
See you.
I've tried.
I've really tried.
- Hey, can I help you? - Hi.
Sorry, I'm just gonna be getting some old tax returns from the garage 'cause I'm getting sued, and I'm meeting with my lawyer this afternoon.
Uh, okay.
Who are you? Oh, shit.
You're the new subletter.
Sorry, I'm Ava.
I own the condo.
I know.
I don't look like the type.
I identify as more of a tenant than a landlord anyway.
- So - Cool.
Okay, well, I'm gonna go get those tax returns now.
All right.
So what have you been up to? I'm teaching a UCLA extension course.
"The Female Gaze: From Pickford to Bigelow.
" - Hmm.
- Except the class got tired, and now we're just watching "Back to the Future" in 40-minute increments.
So you're not directing anymore? Not really, I mean, I get meetings for kids TV shows "Magic Girl Who's Good at Math" or some such whatever but they're really just trying to fill a quota, and in the end, they never hire me.
Guess I shouldn't have aged, huh? My mistake.
They're idiots.
You're the best.
If it hadn't had been for you, I would've kept in that rant about Hitler's bubble butt.
Yeah, well, sometimes you gotta protect the art from the artist.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, yeah, baby.
Here we go.
Thank you.
Anyway, so listen, I'm working on a new hour.
Totally different from the last one, and I need a partner who's not gonna try to change it into something it isn't.
You're the only one I trust, so would you consider directing it? Consider? Jesus, consider it considered! I'm in, big fucking time! - Great! Great! - Yes! Don't you want to ask for a fork? No, no, no, no, no.
With a spoon, I get better syrup-to-pancake ratio, and I do things my way.
Mmm, heaven! Taylor.
Oh, Ava.
How are you? I'm good.
Hey, listen, last time I saw you, I was out of my mind, in a dark place.
I'm-I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have dumped my crisis on you like that.
- Don't even worry about it.
- That's nice of you.
But it was like a borderline manic episode, and I'm really sorry.
Oh, thanks.
It's okay.
Also, if my skin looks any better, it's honestly because of your mom.
Just remembering her face inspires me to wash mine, not every day, but sometimes.
She has zero pores.
It's actually really annoying.
Anyway, it was really good to see you.
Yeah, you too.
Hey, I'm actually having a birthday party on Friday night.
If you're still in town, you should stop by.
- I would love to.
- Okay, great.
- I'll see you.
- All right.
- This lemonade sucks.
- Okay.
You know what? Just tone it down.
- Hi, Ava.
- Hi.
It's so nice to meet you in person.
This is my son, Bobby, who you agreed to talk to about comedy.
Oh, I didn't realize both meetings were happening at the same time.
Oh, it's easier this way.
I'll review the documents while you discuss showbiz with Bobby.
He really wants to pick your brain.
- I Googled you.
- Okay.
I guess that makes sense.
Listen, Deborah and I seem to be on better terms, and I was kind of hoping she might just drop this.
Oh, I doubt it rich people sue each other all the time.
It's sport for them.
Yeah, it's not personal.
Might ruin your life, but it's not personal.
All right.
Any word from Deborah's lawyers? Mm, I tried to get them to settle, but that is not happening.
Deborah's lawyers are scorched earth.
Did you major in screenwriting? Um, no, I actually didn't finish college.
- Is that for the lawsuit? - No, that's for Bobby.
Should he email Stephen Colbert? He spoke at my career day.
Definitely not.
Do you think I should countersue? Oh, I wouldn't.
It probably would just make things worse.
They're going for blood.
Um, what about "Save the Cat!"? Is that, like, still relevant, or is it just, like, a formulaic approach to screenwriting? I don't know.
I haven't read it.
You haven't? Should I? I-I own a copy.
Oof, not for long.
She's gonna take my books? She's gonna take everything.
Should he join "The Harvard Lampoon"? Uh, are you going to Harvard? - He can.
- I can.
And the filler got into a vein, and now she's blind.
- No! - Yes.
But she looks good.
What else? Oh.
Mayor Jo Pezzimenti is demisexual, but she's not out to her family yet.
But she said I could tell you if it came up.
Did it come up? They asked what's new.
both: Yeah.
Wow, since when are you a gossip queen? Oh, I've always been like this.
I hold out until I'm sure someone's sticking around.
Hey, can I turn on another light? No, the fuse keeps blowing.
Don't touch the light switches.
And if you have to use a hair dryer, you have to plug it in in the garage.
Damn, it sucks that Deborah can't sell this place.
If she'd lower the price, it would easily sell.
I think she's always secretly hoped she'd have a reason to come back here.
By the way, I ran into Wilson at the Albertsons, and he asked about you.
Oh, my God.
You guys broke up? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Well, we are so going out in WeHo tonight then.
I mean, I don't want to bond, but I would love to share a Lyft.
- So how's he doing? - Good.
I didn't know if you wanted me to say anything about you, so I panicked and I bought eight pounds of sliced turkey from the deli man but it was gone the next day.
Apparently, Aidan likes to put it in a blender and drink it for the protein? Weird.
Why is my subletter texting me? Oh, and Deborah's masseuse has an OnlyFans.
- What? - I know.
It's good.
I'm so sorry.
I've never locked myself out before.
Oh, that's no problem.
As a landlord, I love to go the extra mile.
- Do you want to come in for a drink? - Yes.
Wow! Wow! Wow! It's so much less echo-y in here with furniture! And it looks so much nicer too.
Did you not have furniture? Um, no, I never really lived here.
I lived in a casino, and then a bus.
And now, who knows? - Oh, that's crazy.
- Yeah.
No offense, but couldn't you have called a locksmith to let you in? No offense, but couldn't you have told me to call a locksmith? No offense, but couldn't you have told me to tell you to call a locksmith? Wait.
Sorry, one sec.
I just wanna run through the power dynamic, make sure it's okay here.
You made the first move, and you pay me.
Okay, we're good.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Oh, that smells amazing.
Some pour-over, a little oat milk.
Oh, my God, thank you.
How'd you know? How'd I know how I take my coffee? Oh.
Yeah, you should probably go.
What? Wow, okay.
You really slept in.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You could've woke me up.
You said you sleep on a bus.
You looked really tired.
I looked tired while I was sleeping? Yeah.
Listen, I have a full day, so Oh, my God.
I'm sorry.
Is this about last night? I thought we had fun.
We did, yeah, but that was last night.
Now it's the afternoon, so can you please go? Oh, my God.
Okay, this is my place, you know? Yeah, but I'm subletting from you, so technically, you can't be here unless I let you.
But I'm more than happy to let you stay if you want to take a look at the garbage disposal.
It really stinks.
Well, no offense, but couldn't you call someone to Yeah, that part's over.
- I'll call a plumber.
- Thanks.
That's my ex.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Everyone assumed it was a Make-a-Wish situation.
I have to text this to her.
You two stay in touch? Uh, it took a minute.
I hated her at first, but after a while, I realized I was actually just mad at myself.
No, this is not working.
- It's getting a little warm.
- Ooh.
It does that.
I'm just gonna she knows she's in it.
- Yeah.
- She knows.
Oh, my God, we did it! Went straight to series, bitch! It's gonna be great.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- They're ready for you.
- Thank you.
You may be wondering why I'm taking this risk.
Well, why do serial killers confess decades after getting away with murder? Because at some point, everyone just wants to be seen.
The audience tells you what you need to hear, although that time in Des Moines, I didn't need to hear, "You're a dumb bitch!" I need an audience.
And releasing a sex tape just doesn't do the trick anymore.
I needed to tell my story, not to boost my career or make a buck but because after thousands of shows, I think I earned the right to be heard.
Okay, Deborah, I-I think I speak for everyone here when I say: I'm dead.
I mean, clearly the humor and the heart is there.
And we have a mandate to platform female voices in stand-up right now.
Wow, a mandate.
Well, I think that's how all great art is made.
I'm kidding.
That's fantastic.
Have you thought about how you want this to look? Actually, I do have a director in mind: Elaine Carter.
She directed my Oxygen special.
Oh, wow, Elaine Carter! Wow, I have not heard that name in a while.
That would be a very cool idea to add to the mix.
We have been working with this amazing young guy on our specials, Alec Divers.
Do you know him? He did the BLM Super Bowl ad for Duracell.
Oh, cool.
I'm sure he's wonderful, but there is nobody like Elaine.
- Mm.
- I mean, it was her idea for Mary Tyler Moore to throw the hat, and she was just an intern.
It worked.
- It worked, right? - You think? Yeah, she's good.
Oh, God, I mean, I don't have any more questions.
Do you guys? No? Well, thank you, Deborah, for coming in.
Thank you.
- We are such huge fans.
- Thanks.
And I think we have a lot to discuss here.
- Great.
- Thank you, guys.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
Um, Jimmy, can you hang back - so that we can chat for a sec? - Of course.
I will meet you guys in the back lot.
So nice to see you.
- Uh, God, you look great.
- Thank you.
- So do you.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- SlimFast.
Okay, so they're in.
They're making an offer.
- Amazing! - Yes! Whoo-hoo! - What did they say? - Uh, it's pretty interesting.
They want to include your special as part of a series they're doing on women in comedy.
Hold on.
A series? So they're saying my special is not so special? No, of course it would be, and I'd fight for yours to go up first, so you'd be the headliner in a way.
Oh, let me guess, that battery guy is directing every single one of them? He is.
Did they get into the numbers? No, but it's part of their micro-budget division, so I'm guessing that means half-hour.
Half-hour? I'm sorry.
No, the show is an hour.
I know, I know, but you could trim it, right? I mean, hey, "This is 40" was six hours until it was five.
Well, you know what, we haven't heard from everyone.
- Right? - Those are all noes.
They were just being polite.
I should have fucking known by how far away they made us park.
God, somehow, this town can just instantly remind you you're worthless.
I'll see you back at home.
You think she's going shopping? - Mm-hmm, yes.
- 100%.
How could they offer us a half-hour? It's so rude.
Ugh! Yeah, I don't love it either, but at least it would get her back in the conversation.
Plus, it's a good writing credit for you.
I don't think I should get credit on Deborah's special.
Why? You wrote a lot of it.
Yeah, but those are Deborah's stories.
I don't want to step on that.
Okay, your call.
Well, what's going on with your writing? You have anything cooking on the backburner? Just simmering resentment.
I mean, this is insane.
The special is so good! I know, but between you and me, I'm under a lot of pressure from the company to get this thing sold.
Believe me, I am trying, but honestly, Latitude is trending very bro-asshole style.
Deborah doesn't fit in with the culture.
I barely do.
I tried to install a recycling bin, and I got made fun of for months.
- They call me Captain Planet.
- Aw.
Very hurtful.
Very rude.
- That sucks.
- I'm sorry.
You're my client.
I shouldn't vent to you.
My therapist has Lyme disease, so I haven't been able to go in.
No, it's okay.
This town is so gross sometimes.
And the subletters are horrible! Huh.
Yeah, I guess.
I do love being on a lot, though, you know? Ahh Ugh, I hate emergency meetings.
- What do you think's going on? - I don't know.
- Are you scared? - No.
- Are you? - Yes.
I made a decision.
I'm not gonna take that shitty offer.
I don't need a network to tell me what I'm worth.
I can self-fund.
I can do this myself.
You have a leaf in your hair, and I think that's a great idea.
Yeah, yeah, and from a financial perspective, we'd make a bigger cut of the profits.
We could own and sell it directly from our own website just like Louis.
In that one specific way.
Yeah, I mean, if we can control the edit, we don't have to worry about jokes getting cut or reordered.
- It's kind of perfect.
- Exactly.
- I love it.
- Yeah.
Jimmy? What do you think? The partners won't be thrilled.
But you are worth so much more than they're offering.
- I think you gotta do it.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Definitely.
- Okay.
- And you know what? Latitude has a deal with the Nokia Theatre.
We could maybe get it for the taping.
- That works.
That that works! - Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
That would be perfect.
- That works.
- Let's do it.
Let's do it.
- Okay.
- I love that venue.
I love that it's the perfect size.
We should try and shoot it soon.
Well, we gotta find out who's that place is booked sometimes in advance.
Well, I've got the schedule.
We can get them.
- No, no, no, no.
- We need to call Elaine.
And the premiere lines up perfectly with the launch of her cactus water.
- Nice, bro.
- Sweet.
Now this is what I mean by taking initiative.
I have an update on Deborah Vance.
Here we go.
So in an exciting creative twist, we have decided to self-produce her special.
- So - No, no, no, no, hold on.
Hold on.
There were no offers? There was one, but it was terrible.
When you only get one offer, that makes it your best offer, and you take it.
Unfortunately, I can't because I've already passed.
You passed? Are you fucking nuts? Look, this is what Deborah wants to do, okay? And I think we owe her our support on this.
No, we don't.
We don't have to be supportive because we don't owe Deborah shit.
I'm sorry, but I disagree.
Okay? She's made this company a ton of money, and even if she hadn't, this special is really good.
Okay, Rotten Tomatoes.
Shut up, Dan.
- We're giving Deborah to Mort.
- No.
- Michael, you cannot do that.
- Oh, yes, I can.
You're wasting time on a lost cause, and it's bad business.
Your dad would be ashamed of you.
- Fuck you, man.
- Excuse me? Actually, my dad believed in Deborah when nobody else did.
And so do I.
So if you're not gonna get behind this special, fine.
I'll do it on my own.
I quit.
And so do I! - What no.
No, she doesn't.
- I quit.
- No, you don't.
No, she doesn't.
- Yeah, I'm coming with you.
- No, you're not coming.
- If Jimmy quits, I quit too.
Nope, she doesn't quit.
She's staying here.
But I am taking Silas.
- Buddy, grab your bag.
- What? Why? Let's get out of this place, okay? Oh, no.
Sorry, man.
They just promoted me.
Come on! Although you're very deserving.
Oh, thank you so much.
Well, you heard it.
We're out of here.
And Daddy, I will not be going heli-skiing in Aspen this year.
Kayla, please don't get involved.
I'm already involved in this.
- Kayla.
Kayla, stop.
- Stop.
You stop.
- You stop.
You stop.
- Stop.
What I'm not I'm quitting.
- I'm quitting.
- Quitting.
I'm quitting too.
- She's staying.
- Okay! Get the fuck out.
You don't work here anymore.
Yeah, gladly.
Goodbye, people.
And you know what? I'm gonna say it one last time.
K-Cups are bad for the environment! I bought a Moccamaster with my own personal money.
I taught you how to use it.
Nobody used it! So rude! God, and you know what? I don't have anger issues.
I don't! Huh, are you people happy with yourselves? There goes a good and decent man.
That man saved my life.
Taught me everything I know.
He almost hit you in the head with a computer! I wish he would, fucker! God, this place is toxic! Can I get his office? - That was so hot.
- Going down.
You absolutely can't come with me.
You've gotta keep your job.
If you really don't want me to, that's fine, but think about it.
I mean, the boss' daughter leaves the company to join your company? That could be a really powerful message to the town.
That is true.
And my trust fund can keep us afloat for at least a year.
Jimmy, we can really do this.
I mean oh, my God, I can't believe I'm saying this, but okay, let's do it.
Yay! Oh, my God.
We're gonna be partners.
Well, no.
You'd still be my assistant.
Oh, we'll work out the details later.
Oh, shoot, I left my hard-boiled eggs on my desk.
- Should I go get 'em? - Is that what that smell was? Stop talking about them.
You're making me hungry.
I'm not talking about them.
You brought them up.
Ah, fuck, you're right.
I'll get more eggs later.
Plenty of eggs in the sea.
Let's go.
We're celebrating.
Drinks on you, partner! Hey.
- Happy birthday.
- Thank you.
I'm glad that you actually came.
- Oh, yeah.
- Birthdays are stupid, but my friends made me do it.
Oh, well, I'd be happy to turn this into my going-away party.
No offense your place is cute and your succulents are dank, but I'm kinda over LA.
- I'm getting out.
- I totally get that.
I really wish I was one of those people who had enough money to live somewhere else and then fly back here for a day for work, you know, like Nicole Kidman or an old "Simpsons" writer.
Are you gonna, like, move home? Oh, God, no.
I mean, even if I could do a Boston winter, my tolerance for angry white men has gone way down.
- Oh, yeah, I forgot.
You're from Boston.
I'm actually directing this pilot - that takes place in Somerville.
- Oh, shit.
Yeah, that's right by where I grew up.
- No way.
- Yeah, let me know if you need any stories about having diarrhea at Fenway.
They do not have enough bathrooms.
I'll keep that in mind.
Ava? Oh, my God.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Um - I'm gonna go get a drink.
I'll see you.
Happy birthday.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Oh, my God, so random.
I was gonna text you earlier, but my phone couldn't.
You know, you never tell me when you're gonna be in town.
I'm starting to take it personally.
I don't know, you're always, like, shooting in Budapest or whatever.
That was one job in Canada.
Everything I shoot is here, and it's me on a green screen karate chopping a tennis ball on a stick.
Well, you're really good at it.
Thank you.
It's good to see you.
It's really good to see you too.
So what's up with this tennis ball? Are you guys serious? Oh, my God.
Seriously, I can take it.
- No, it's fine.
- Yeah? Uh-huh.
So what do you think? Some people are really scared of self-funding.
Not me.
I'm all about risk.
That's why I went up to Harvey's hotel suite.
- Oh, God.
- No, no.
Harvey Fierstein.
I know.
He's gay.
I know.
But I thought, eh, let me give this a try, you know? You never know what's gonna happen.
I gotta tell you, he was pretty damn good in bed.
We had a good couple of years.
Anyways, let's do it.
I'm in.
All right.
Oh, no, no.
Bad luck to shake with your left hand.
Well, this one's out of commission.
- It's all you got.
- Okay.
- All right, let's do it.
- There we go.
- All right, together again.
- Yes.
Josefina! Josefina.
Yes, dig up some champagne and get yourself a glass too.
- Already on ice.
- All right.
And send everybody else in.
I'm good with my chocolate milk.
I already see it visually in such a way that - oh, hi.
- Ava, good, good, good.
This is Elaine, the director I was telling you about.
Hey, nice to meet you.
She's already got some great ideas for the special tell her.
Well, do you understand coverage? No, but, I mean No offense, I'm not gonna waste my time explaining.
Oh, guys, we're celebrating.
Before we do, I just got off the phone, and it turns out that Louie had a significant subscriber base before he released his special online.
Even if we were to build a website, we don't have that kind of base to lean on.
What about our email list? That was the Palmetto's.
Hello - Hi.
- Everybody.
Can we chat in private for a sec? Oh, what? No, no.
Is this a problem with the Nokia? - Just tell me, Jimmy.
- Okay.
There has been a change of plan.
I have left Latitude.
- You left? Now? - Yes.
There was some resistance to the self-funding idea.
Well, couldn't you convince them? I'm sorry.
But I'm gonna devote myself to figuring this out.
We won't have the Nokia or the company behind us in general, but I promise I won't let you down.
Well, you already did.
We'll just make it work.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
- Sure.
Ooh, that's a bad omen.

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