Hacks (2021) s02e08 Episode Script

The One, The Only

1 Last chance at 260,000.
Sold to paddle 42.
Lot number 25: the Wassily Kandinsky, "Gewebe.
" Work on paper.
Starting at 360,000.
Do we have 380? 380 to the gentleman in the front.
We have 380,000 now, ahead of you.
Do we have 400? 400,000 in the back.
420 now and 440 and 460.
We have 480,000.
Do I hear 500? $500,000! 520 in the back.
560 and 580,000.
600,000! - What are you doing? - Shopping! What stop! You're overpaying.
- 620! - Don't tell me what I'm doing! - 640! - 660! - 680! - Uh, sir, madame, I will call the prices.
- Oh, stay out of it! - We got it! 800! Are you nuts? It's a work on paper.
- Eight - Oh, my God.
Hundred thousand dollars.
Last chance at 800 Sold to me! You don't even like Kandinsky.
- Neither do you.
- Well, tastes change.
Victoria didn't want a ring.
She wanted that Kandinsky.
- Oh, you're - Yeah.
Whoa! - Well, congratulations.
- Thank you.
So are you two gonna have a registry, or is it just the Metamucil website? Does Ovaltine make a wedding cake? - All right.
- You two gonna allow the Rascal scooters - on the dance floor? - All right, all right.
I get it.
Now my fiancée isn't young enough for you.
No, no, it makes perfect sense.
I mean, you're a history buff.
You know, she can give you a firsthand account of the Civil War.
No, you're right.
I-I don't like Kandinsky.
But I do like leverage.
Oh, here we go.
I'll give it to you in exchange for the main stage.
Deborah, you're not gonna get Just for one night to film my special.
You know, you could've rented something even better than the Palmetto for much less than that fucking painting.
I know, but I want the Palmetto.
I don't like the way I went out.
I want a chance to do it again.
I know that it's occupied now, so it's probably a really tall order.
I'll make it happen.
You know, I would've given you the Palmetto if you just asked.
Yeah, sure.
You should see if the caterer'll give you two a discount if dinner's served by 4:00 p.
- You know, Early Bird Special.
- This again.
- Are you done? - No.
Pretty nice, right? Whoa, two sinks.
And you can see the fake Eiffel Tower from here.
It's the last unit available.
I got a hookup with the manager.
Look at all this.
I could have a dinner party.
All I need is, like, one single friend.
And I know you're taking a loss on your condo in L.
, but you get so much more for your money here.
Yeah, well, this is really nice, but I think the one that's closer to Deborah's might make more sense.
The one with the open-concept bathroom? Yeah.
Maybe don't make your life worse to be ten minutes closer to Deborah's.
Well Oh, sorry.
- Oh, um - Oh, take it.
Oh - Hello? - Ava, hey.
- Sorry for the random call.
- No worries.
- How are you? - Good.
I actually have a question for you.
So the girl who was gonna do punch-ups for me on my pilot can't do it anymore.
So I was wondering, do you have any interest? Oh, shit.
That's so nice of you.
And thank you, but I'm working for Deborah, and I'm already back in Vegas.
Ri I totally get it.
But this is just a one-week gig, nothing permanent.
We could have you back there in no time.
Oh, um I think you'd be great for it.
Could I, uh, maybe think about it? Sure.
I'll email you the dates, okay? Okay, thank you.
- Okay, bye.
- Bye.
Oh, yes, I get that.
All right, well, um, you know what? Life is short, and life is long.
So, hopefully our paths cross soon.
Okay, take care.
- Motherfucker! - Oh, good, you're off.
Which wallpaper do you like for our new office? This one's technically wrapping paper, but it's beautiful.
Okay, we need clients to justify having an office, and we just lost another one to Janet Stone.
- She's poaching everybody.
- Cunt! Okay, partner, what's the play? You know what? I'm just gonna fucking call her.
Yeah, do it.
I love this side of you.
Ah, Jimmy.
I was waiting for your call.
But I don't have time to talk because I'm going down your client list one by one, you piece of shit.
Okay, you know what, Janet? You listen to me.
I'm Hi, Janet! Kayla Schaeffer here, you dirty bitch.
- Oh, my God.
- You know, me and you can swing around our big dicks all day, but the fact of the matter is Hello? Hello? Yeah, she's fucking us up the ass, no lube, not even giving us a little courtesy tug before she jams her cock in our guts.
What is wrong with you? - Should we get lunch? - Yeah, I'm starving.
You're hangry.
So we closed on Elaine's directing deal, but she apparently doesn't fly, so she's asking that we reimburse her for gas.
Also, her rider is just jelly beans and Dulcolax.
- Are you sure about her? - Please.
When men are quirky, they're eccentric geniuses.
When women are quirky, they're jailed.
Is that what's going on here? She's just quirky? God, I fucking hope so.
Oh! I got the Palmetto.
So I guess the auction went well.
Yes, it did.
But Marty seems to have lost his mind.
He's getting engaged to that elderly French woman.
Oh, did he get her a ring or a Life Alert bracelet? I know! I thought he only proposed to women whose hair was still steaming from a flat iron.
Well Don't give me that look.
- That wasn't real.
- The diamond was real.
We were drunk and in Monaco, for Christ's sake.
Even if he was serious, I had to prioritize my business.
You can understand that.
I certainly can.
Previously on "The Amazing Race" Deborah? Oh, hi.
Come on in.
So I got a call about a punch-up gig that's a week long.
I was gonna say no, but Jimmy thinks it's a great credit, and it might be fun, but, obviously, I would never let anything interfere with our work.
But it's just a week, so I'd be back super quick.
Why are you standing so far away? Just to be out of slapping range.
- What are the dates? - Well, it starts the 20th.
And it's only a week.
Oh, I just booked the Palmetto for the 24th for the taping.
Oh, God.
Never mind then.
Of course I'm not taking it.
Jesus, can you imagine if I missed the taping? No.
God, no.
You should do it.
What? No way.
You've seen the show 200 times.
It's ready.
The hay's in the barn.
It's it's fine, really.
Well thank you.
- But only if you're sure.
- I'm sure.
And you should stay at my house while you're there.
Oh, thanks, but I actually ran into my ex when we were in L.
, and we've been texting, so I think I might stay at her place.
Oh Oh, speaking of houses, I finally got a place here, and it's ten minutes away.
Oh, great.
I'll tell my lawyers one more asset for them to go after.
It's just a rental, so Oh, sorry to hear that.
You know, I actually think we would do really well on "Amazing Race" together.
I could never fly coach.
We'd make up time, though, on the puzzles.
And cut! - All right, that's a cut.
- That's a cut! Her purse strap fell in that one.
Oh, it's okay we can cut around that, I think.
Ava, oh, my God, that blow was so much better thank you.
Oh, good, and if you can convince the network to get on board with incest, I actually have an incest joke that helps the story a little.
This is funny.
- Okay, let's go again.
- Goin' again.
- Let's roll sound.
- Rolling! Hey, can you run this alt to Gillian? Copy that.
Vance? Someone here to see you, a manager.
Oh, yes, thank you, Davis.
Show them in.
- Deborah! - Janet.
Wow, interesting vibe.
Yeah, Mr.
Ludwig did a bit of a reno.
Wish it wouldn't be so on the nose for me to burn it down.
Well, I don't want to keep you.
I just wanted to pop in and say, "Have a great show.
" Thank you.
I really need it to work.
Oh, it will, and we don't have to, um, do this now, - but you know why I'm here.
- Right.
Listen, I love Jimmy.
I think he does really well in this business, especially for a man under 6'1".
But he's not cutthroat.
Yeah, well, he's a sweet kid.
Sure, but he doesn't have the resources to support you on his own.
Think about it.
As good a saleswoman as you are and you are fucking lava without the QVC machine behind you, would you be able to sell as many products? You're not wrong.
Oh, anyway, I-I don't want to distract you.
But I think we should talk after.
I've got some big ideas.
Okay, sure.
That's what I want to hear! All right! You're gonna kill it out there, girl.
Ah, thanks, Janet.
No, your bikini wax is not a company write-off.
- It was just the back.
- Kayla.
Okay, fine, but my trainer said that anything can be a write-off if you just think about business while it's happening.
That is absolutely not true.
You need to fire that person.
No way.
She's a write-off.
How was your trip in? Were you able to get a good seat on the Greyhound? Ha ha.
For your information, I'm actually United Premier Platinum, and I had a delicious in-flight bistro box, thank you very much.
Okay, little miss fuck stick, what in the name of the Devil's uncut dick - are you doing here? - Oh, my God.
Same as you.
I'm here for Deborah's taping.
We just had a lovely chat.
She's so sweet.
- I know.
- Hmm.
Told you I was going down your client list.
And I finally got to the Vs.
Enjoy the show.
Nice ass, by the way, bitch! - Kayla! - What? It's She's gorgeous.
Here we go.
- Well, hello.
- Hey, Jimmy.
I I'm kind of in a pre-show mode.
Can we catch up after? Of course, yeah.
Um break a leg.
Thank you.
She means both of us.
Come on.
- Excuse me.
Excuse me! - Oh, excuse me! VIPs coming through.
Check the pass.
Why can't we go down the other aisle? Because we're VIPs and people need to know.
- Oh, I like your jumpsuit, girl.
- This don't make no sense.
Okay, here we go.
I want you to get B-roll of the crowd filing in.
Oh, wait, wait.
Hold on.
I-I forgot my contacts.
I can't see shit.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh.
I'm kidding! You guys are so fucking serious! - Oh, my God.
- It's a comedy show! You wouldn't have lasted a day with Andy Kaufman.
He ran my dog over as a bit, and I loved it.
Okay! Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats.
The program will be starting momentarily.
If you think about it, our seats are way better than hers, 'cause it's, like, center we have a bird's-eye view.
- Hmm.
- You know? I'm so sorry, sir, but there's no outside drinks in the theater.
Casino comps me this ticket.
That's the way they treat you.
Bullshit, right? Should've seen Criss Angel again.
Not a good time.
Wha what are you doing here? Oh, I left that punch-up gig early.
Well, I forgot I had tickets to Cirque du Soleil, and it's the weird sex one, so I really don't want to miss it.
But I'll probably watch your taping first, you know, since I'm here anyway.
I'm glad you are.
Me too.
This dressing room is ass.
Okay, showtime.
Everybody ready? Kill the houselights.
Bobby, frame up, please.
Whoo! Okay, "A" camera, let's settle in for the wide, and, Sal, let's bring out our girl in three, two, one, rock and roll.
Ladies and gentlemen, returning to the Palmetto for one special night, please welcome to the stage the one, the only Deborah Vance! Wow, thank you.
It's true.
It's true.
Yeah, and, of course, it's hard to lose a husband and a sister at the same time.
But it makes Christmas shopping way easier.
And I don't I don't excuse what they did.
But in some ways, there really was nowhere else for them to go except toward each other because it was all about me and my career.
There was no space left in my marriage or in my relationship with her anywhere.
That's what I do.
I take up too much space.
I did it back then, and I still do it today.
I take up space in every room I'm in, on my tour bus, on the icons float at the Vegas Pride Parade.
But, you know, I love taking up space, which is painfully ironic, because as we've established here, I am a high-functioning anorexic.
Johnny, you read my mind.
Stay right there.
Push in, slow slow.
Not that slow, buddy.
Yeah, bingo.
You got it.
Damn, I'm good.
And that same year, the Vatican came after me, because they said I called the Pope a pedophile on national television.
I I didn't.
I called him a pedophile-phile because he loves being around pedophiles.
It's different.
It's different.
Oh, hey.
- Yeah, so then - Hey, you you all right? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
My sponsors started pulling ads from my tour.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- What's the matter? - Hey, sir.
Everything okay? - He's seizing! - Oh, shit.
- He needs help.
Call 911.
- Oh, Jesus.
Has anyone called the paramedics? Has anyone called for help? Somebody call the paramedics! What the fuck is going on down there? Sal, talk to me.
John, go get the medic.
Go get the house medic.
Tara, do not turn the houselights up.
It'll be all right.
It'll be all right.
I'm sure they're on their way.
- Down here.
- Okay, here they come.
Shit! It's all right, everybody.
I it's all right.
He's he's being taken care of.
They'll take care of him.
It's all right.
It's all right.
Not to worry we got trained professionals taking care of him now.
He's in good hands.
Everybody stay calm.
Please stay in your seats.
Just please.
Check the pupils.
- Yeah, I'm getting dilated.
- What's the reading? Is he okay? I'm calling it 8:47.
It'll be all right, yeah.
He's okay! He's okay, folks! Oh! How 'bout that? Thank God! All right, we're back, baby.
Okay, I need a close-up on C and a refill.
Bobby, finally, a frame I could use.
Welcome to the show.
Thank God.
Thank God.
Yeah, not the first man who's faked his own death to get away from me.
- Not the first.
- I'm so glad he's okay.
Absolutely dead.
Anyway, so my sponsors start pulling their ads Oh, my God.
You crushed.
- That was amazing.
- It got scary for a minute.
And I'm just, uh, so glad that man is okay.
I am as well.
Your dad would be proud of you.
Thank you.
- Whoo! - Great show.
- Deborah, girl! - both: Hey! Think they liked it! Deborah, a triumph! It is gonna cut like butter, baby.
Oh, thank you, honey.
Champagne? - No, I got Clamato.
- Okay, all right.
- Whoo! - Cheers! Whoo! Whoo! Bravo, Deborah! Not news to me, but you are a star.
Handled the right way, this can be huge for you.
I think it will be handled the right way, because I have excellent representation with Jimmy.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
So thanks for coming all the way out here, but I think it's time for you to go.
And just so you know, I'm sticking with Jimmy, too.
I don't know who you are.
And guess what, sweetie.
You're never gonna! Well, no, I would like for her You will not know her! I would like for her to know who I am eventually.
Oh, there you are.
Aren't you coming in? Yeah, yeah.
I was just taking a second.
But you did great.
They loved you.
- You okay? - Mm-hmm.
I mean it was kind of hard to hear.
You know? I-I just I can't believe you never told me any of that before, you know? It was one thing to find out all that stuff about you and Dad it's another thing to find it out with 3,000 other people.
Yeah, I don't know why it's always been easier for me to tell things to strangers.
Well, therapy's just talking to one stranger in private.
Well, my insurance doesn't cover it.
What can I tell you? Yeah, well, it's not as expensive as IVF.
Oh, yeah.
How's that going? Good.
Good, you know? Three weeks out till our next round.
Although, I don't know, seems like being a parent pretty tough.
I-I always thought that you just didn't even try.
But after tonight, I'm finding out you did try to be a good parent, and you still fucked it up.
So I'm kind of scared that I'm going to, too.
You will.
It's impossible not to.
But it's worth it.
Hey, look, I wore a good-luck charm tonight.
Oh, my God.
That's a D'Jewelry 2019.
It's gonna be in the special.
- Thank you.
- Of course.
It turned my wrist black, sweetie.
Oh, that's that's really good for you.
That's the iron.
I mean, I think news bloopers are funny, you know? Okay, can we go out tonight? - Sure.
- I'm down.
Yeah, I want to get fucked up.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Wait, where's Marcus? - Oh, I don't know.
He said he had to go see someone.
Sorry for the random stop-by.
Is everything okay? Yes.
Yes, everything's fine.
Wait, doesn't Deborah have, like, a big show tonight? She does, but I don't have to be there.
I was hoping that we could talk.
But I should let you know that I am seeing someone.
That's good for you.
That's I obviously was not ready for a relationship.
Well, I'm down to talk as friends, if that works for you.
Honestly, I think that's exactly what I need.
Well, that and extensive therapy.
Some hypnosis.
- Little electric shock - Okay, you're not that bad.
- Here, come in.
- Thank you.
By the way, your mom's been texting me.
- both: Wrestling stuff.
- Yeah.
So now how it works is I'm technically your manager, too.
Hmm, is that how it works? Deborah, you have a sec? Yeah, I'm just putting shrimp under his pillows.
Uh, maybe tomorrow we could talk about re-pitching networks.
I've been thinking about that, and I have another idea.
Every product I've ever offered here, every necklace, every lip kit, every quilted bootie is something I would buy myself, because it's something I believe in and I can't sell it to you if it's not.
So trust me when I tell you that I've never believed in something more than what I'm offering you today.
This product not only has my name on it, but it is me entirely, and the reason it's so special is because it is my special - Whoo! - "My Bad.
" It's my life story the highs, the lows, the time the China trade wars stopped shipments of my Mrs.
Claus self-sealing cookie jars.
Oh, that was horrible.
Wasn't that a little bit of hell? - Horrible.
Oh, God.
- Yeah.
And like all my products, with the rare exception of the jean-ish leggings last fall, I've road-tested it myself.
I've taken it all over the country, and it works.
It's what I've always wanted to say to you, the truth, whether I like it or not.
- So let's go! - Yes! Okay, now, Deborah, what if some of our viewers do not have a DVD player? Oh, I'd say get one.
It's the future.
But it will also include a downloadable link for your adult children to stream.
That is wonderful.
Okay, well, we have already sold 2,000 units.
- We only have 50,000 units - What? Um, available today.
We are absolutely flying here.
I am getting word from our producers oh, my gosh that this a record for units sold in under five minutes.
- Wow.
- We are on track to sell out, ladies and gentlemen.
We're getting into Slanket territory.
That's incredible.
Thank you.
I guess there is money in DVDs.
I just loved it.
You know, it's been a minute since I've seen an actual DVD box, and I miss 'em.
- Oof.
- Ooh! I am so excited to tell her.
Honestly, this is the best part of the job, you know, delivering good news.
Makes all the stress worth it.
- Hi, Jimmy.
- Hey, Deborah, - I have great news.
- Everyone wants it, bitch! - Whoo! - Kayla.
I I I'm sorry.
What are you saying? I was saying every network is in.
They all want to acquire the rights.
We are gonna have a bidding war.
- Boom.
- Plus, "Variety" wants to do a cover story.
- What? - And "The Wall Street Journal" is interested in a feature on the whole "bet on yourself" approach.
Okay, sweetie, thanks.
That sounds good.
Um, but I'm right in the middle of a meeting.
So got to go.
Oh, um, okay.
Hello, all.
I just wanted to say that we are so incredibly excited to be the home for Deborah Vance's hilarious, provocative new special.
And now I would like to introduce the living legend, Deborah Vance, to say a few words.
Hi, everybody.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for coming.
I really want to thank the network for taking a chance on this once it was already successful and there was literally no risk.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
No, but there is a risk, obviously, supporting an elderly, messy bitch comedian.
But enough about Bill Maher.
Um I'm joking.
Bill and I are old friends.
We vacation together.
Anyway, uh, but I really want to thank my team, who always had my back.
Love you.
And my amazing director where is she? Elaine Carter there she is! Elaine Carter.
She did an amazing job! Amazing job.
And I especially want to give credit to my co-writer, Ava Daniels, who pushed me and never let me quit.
Thank you, Ava.
So cheers, everybody.
Have fun.
Don't drink and drive.
I don't want to be upstaged tonight.
Thank you.
Thanks again for coming.
Hi, you killed it, lady.
Iconic! Really! - Thanks.
- I have some people that I need you to talk to.
That is Simone she's one of our head executives.
Okay, say hello, and this is Hmm.
You know, they're having a party for you down there.
I thought you weren't drinking.
Ah, what else am I good for? We fuckin' did it.
We did.
We did.
So, moving forward, I can extend your health insurance six months and offer three months' severance.
Ha ha, funny.
What? You're not serious.
I am.
Are you're firing me? Are you fucking kidding? Why? Things are good.
- Wha - Things are good.
And they could keep being good for a very long time.
That's the problem.
You need to make space for your own work.
Come on.
I know what you're doing.
You're pushing me away because you're afraid.
Those people, they want you right now.
They won't forever.
You got to take advantage of that.
You got to be a shark.
You got to do what's best for you.
I get to decide what's best for me.
You didn't take credit for the special, and you should have.
You left that punch-up job early.
- I came back for you.
- That's my point.
And what about that screenplay idea? Have you even started on that? Have you? Wha I've been busy, and my Final Draft is corrupted.
And I would keep you busy.
It's like you said.
I'm gonna keep working until the day I die.
Do you know how old you're gonna be when I'm 109? Please don't make me do math right now.
You're the one with all the stories.
What do I even have to say? That's the thing.
You got to go figure it out.
I told you you're just like me.
You got your own mountain to climb.
But we're we're good together.
I don't want to be here.
I I want to be wherever you are.
- I got to get back.
- No, wait, whoa! Deborah, that's it? We're not gonna talk anymore? I won't see you? Oh, you'll see me in court.
Hey, Jimmy, what's up? - Hey, how's the new place? - Uh, it's good.
I-I'm actually kind of excited to reenter subletter culture, you know? We got no ties, no rules, no ability to paint.
Uh, so I have some good news.
That pilot you did punch-ups for was just picked up to series, and apparently a bunch of your jokes ended up in the final cut, and they called to ask if you're available to staff.
- Seriously? - Yep.
The job is yours if you want it, as long as you promise not to leave early again.
Also, I have some news from Deborah.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
She called this morning.
She's dropping the lawsuit.
Oh, that that's great.
Amazing, right? Isn't that a relief? So that court date Yep, stricken from the record or whatever.
You don't have to worry about it.
- Congrats.
- Thanks.
Uh, anyway, what else do I have for you? Oh, would you be interested in doing a half-day round table for "Ice Age 12"? Are you familiar with the "Ice Age" universe? They need a lot of women in the room.
They want a female perspective on the female woolly mammoth character they have.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's spelled H-O-A-R, and you might want to pitch an alt on that.
You know, sounds problematic to me.
But what do I know, you know? I'm just a manager.
Although I do have good ideas.
You know, it was my idea to do Fandango.
So you put on a gorgeous dress.
You're all ready for a night out on the town, but no one to zip you up? - Ugh.
- What do you do? You hook this ingenious little device to your zipper.
Just a one, two, three.
- Voilà.
- Look at that.
Isn't that cute and convenient? It is, and you don't need anybody.
All you need is yourself.
You may not know what the night has in store for you, but at least you know you're ready for whatever comes.

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