Hacks (2021) s03e02 Episode Script

Season 3, Episode 2


I did a benefit with
Shaquille O'Neal yesterday.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah. And I swear to God,
your hands are bigger than his.
Should I do stock market?
Yes. Why the hell wouldn't you?
I like having all my money in checking,
so when I get a receipt at the ATM,
I see a high number.
And, uh Deborah?
Oh, sorry. I
I've been approached
about doing a podcast.
I got to say, very
impressed you don't have one.
- I know, right?
Thank you so much.
No, no, thank you.
I'm cooking dinner for Ruby tonight.
Did you know you can make dressing?
It doesn't just come
as dressing in a bottle.
Of course.
I travel with my own balsamic.
I'd be selling it,
too, if goddamn Newman
hadn't cornered the market.
Sorry. Sorry.

What time were you born?
I wanna look at your birth chart to see
what houses your planets are in.
Don't know, but I can tell you
what cities my houses are in
uh, Vegas, Aspen, LA,
Jackson Hole, Palm Beach,
and if penthouses count, Dubai.
Remind me, do you observe Lent?
Absolutely not.
Do you?
Hi, honey, it's Josefina.
Deborah took an Ambien
but will text you in the morning
or in the afternoon if
it was 20 milligrams.
Good night.

Whenever I think of her ♪

Hey, quiet on set. We're close.
Hey, Deborah, I'm Mark, the first AD.
- Yeah.
- We're almost ready to go.
We're just waiting on the fountains.
Can we get your stand-in
so you're out of the sun?
Oh, no, it's fine, baby.
I've got an umbrella coming in.
- Okay.
- Move it!
- Hi.
- Thanks.
So I bumped into the
booker for late night,
and he said again how much
they'd love to have you on.
Eh, no.
I-I got too much going on.
Really? Because you did make time
to do this ad for the
Vegas Chamber of Commerce.
I love Vegas. I love commerce.
Let's just pass on it for now.
This is the fourth time they've asked.
And your special was a year ago now.
They're not gonna ask again,
and I really think this is the moment.
- The answer is no.
- No means no, Jimmy.
Get over it.
I got you, girl.
Okay, yes, but I need
you to explain why.
- I can't keep passing
on something that I
think as your manager
you should be doing.
That's the show I almost hosted, Jimmy.
After my special, everybody
knows how badly I wanted that.
So if I go on the show
and I don't kill
it's like, you know, of
course she isn't hosting.
She's not even a good guest.
That's just kind of lame of you.
[SCOFFS] Excuse me?
Spicy boy.
Deborah, of course you're gonna kill.
You always kill. All you need to do
is tell a good story,
and I bet you have binders
full of amazing stories to tell.
- Rolodexes.
- See? All right, you know,
I'm just gonna tell 'em you're
gonna do it, unless you want me
to offer them Vanna White
singing "We Are The World."
In C flat. Do you guys want to hear it?
She sent me a voice
memo of the whole thing.
Fine, I'll do it.
- Tell them I'll do it.
- BOTH: Yes.
Okay, this is a good decision
that was very simple. I'm glad we
- We're ready!
- Worked it out.
Okay, we're ready.
- Break a leg, girl.
- Whoo!
We're ready.
- Background.
- Background!
And action.
The shopping!
We got it. That is a wrap on Deborah.
- Hey, hey, eye.
- What? Are you okay?
- Watch my eye. Yeah.
- Jimmy, where's the car?
- It's right over here.
- Come here, queen.
All right, we had them double-park.
Love is not a stranger anymore ♪
Okay, so Tripadvisor is
Oh, my God, can I just have
- Oh.
- Like, one second?
Yeah, sorry.
- Okay, so Tripadvisor is
Sorry, but if we want
to stay in a gligloo
when we're in Iceland,
all the reviews are saying
that we need to book now.
A gligloo?
- Glam igloo.
- Oh.
- Could be chic.
- Mm-hmm.
I know the show hasn't given
you your dates yet, but
Just book it.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
Let's do whatever you want.
You're spending your whole
hiatus where I'm shooting.
I'll tell them they
have to work around it,
and they'll just have to deal.
Very hot number-one-on-the-
call-sheet energy, baby.
Oh, baby ♪
You got me ♪
Now that you're all alone ♪
Can't you see what
you're doing to me baby ♪
Oh, baby ♪
- Deborah, right here.
We've got Arnold, Carmen,
and Carmen's cousin.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, and the cousins are here.
Hey, Deborah, looking gorgeous.
Can you just write, to Kevin,
congrats on your gastric bypass.
- Hope this one sticks, honey.
- Oh, thank you so much.
Deb, I found out our dogs
go to the same groomer.
- What's this?
- It's a candle.
This is two chins ago.
I never would have approved this.
Where'd you get it?
I bought it off of Etsy.
Who the fuck is Betsy?
No, Etsy, it's a website.
There's a lot of DV merch on there.
I actually just bought a replica
of your birth certificate.
- I'm right here.
- Did you know about this?
I'm taking this.
She took my candle.
Let's call Grandma.
Miss hot stuff ♪
I'm hot for you ♪
Miss hot stuff ♪
Yes ♪
I'm hot for you ♪
And what are these?
These are websites I printed out.
Oh. Good?
Do you know how many
sellers there are on Etsy
making a profit off
my name and likeness?
- I don't.
- Look at this first one.
This is a throw pillow.
Okay, it says, tax loopholes
are my love language.
Now, that's true, but, I
mean, I didn't authorize this.
Did you?
No, but now I want this pillow.
It's not funny, Marcus.
This needs to stop now.
Okay, okay, I'll get on it.
Look at this.
It's a coffee cup that says,
I'm so old, I went
apple picking with Eve.
I mean, I like the joke,
but I hate that font.


I've got to leave
before I start to scream ♪
Someone locked the
door and took the keys ♪
Are you feeling all right? Uh-huh ♪
I ain't feeling that good myself now ♪
Oh, no ♪
Feeling all right ♪
This is your last late night story.
You've gone through the whole Rolodex?
Uh-huh. It's USO debacle in Germany.
That's a good one, but that hinges
on the Berlin Wall still being erect.
I just think you do the other one,
change Studio 54 to Buddha
Bar and Quaaludes to fentanyl.
Oh, that is sad.
Buddha Bar is no Studio 54.
- Yeah, sure.
- God damn it.
Martha Stewart is so
lucky she went to jail.
I mean, that shit's evergreen.
Why don't you tell a more recent story?
You can talk about your new
horsehair bed from Austria.
Remember when we thought it wouldn't fit
through the window but then it did?
Yeah, very relatable.
Are you sure you didn't
miss anything in there?
Let me check.
Did it, did it.
Oh, Benihana's with O.J. Simpson.
- No.
- Forget it.
You know what?
I'm going to make a new story.
Scott Thompson?
Carrot Top, yeah. How can I help you?
As you know, this land has been zoned
a historic environmental
preservation zone.
We're going to need you to vacate
the premises immediately
so we can begin demolition.
Demolition? What the fuck
are you talking about?
Yes, sir. There was
a city council meeting
where this was discussed.
No one has ever discussed
anything with me about any
Please put whatever belongings
- will fit into this bag.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
Demolition will begin in 20 minutes.
20 minutes? This is a joke.
Mr. Top, we sent several notices.
You didn't send jack
shit, and I don't think
you have the right fucking house.
See if you have the right
fucking house on there.
- 1929 Chickasaw Way.
- God damn it!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait, no, stop, you can't do this!
- Wait!
I got you. I got you.
- Deborah?
- Oh, thanks so much.
I needed a story for late night.
This is going to play like gangbusters.
Do not have anything
better to do with your time?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Oh, lighten up.
What's wrong with me?
What's wrong with your landscaper?
Look at this shrub. It's dead.
I should take that out.
Jesus. No, stop it.
Stop, stop, stop!
I fucking love that bush!

So you're "DebbieTwoTon," huh?
Ezekiel, do you know what this is?
- A candle.
- But who is on the candle?
The greatest living
comedian of our time.
You have a problem.
First of all, this
candle is not soy based.
That's going to be a dirty burn.
But your real problem
is that you're running
an Etsy store selling
unauthorized merchandise.
And my very litigious
business associate can sue you
for trademark infringement.
It would be an honor to be
in litigation with Deborah.
And, also, I will not be
policed by some straight guy
who doesn't get it because
he's not even a fan.
- I'm not straight.
- Prove it.
And just so you know,
I am the original fan.
I created the first
Deborah Vance merchandise.
I am the original fan.
I've seen every one of
her specials over 40 times.
Okay. Then what was her most
well-attended overseas show?
Stockholm '97. Her birthday.
Her real birthday.
Same day, two years earlier. Bra size?
None. She does custom.
What's her favorite food
if calories don't count?
Potatoes dauphinoise.
If calories do count?
Endive salad, no croutons.
What's her favorite snack?
Ezekiel, that's a trick question.
Deborah Vance doesn't snack,
but she's contractually
obligated to say
BOTH: Wheat Thins.
- Are you as turned on as I am?
- No.
You have 48 hours to fulfill
all outstanding orders,
and then you will shut this site down.
I had no choice.
I have always wanted a
Deborah Vance tour jacket,
and they were always too small.
So I made some in my size,
and they sold out within a day.
There is a community of people out there
who are hungry for this
stuff, and I gave it to them.
Then, naturally, I branched
out into unlicensed cookbooks,
oven mitts, cell phone cases.
You know, the more you talk,
the stronger my lawsuit gets.
Okay, okay.
But if I don't do it, someone else will.
[SIGHS] Good day, Ezekiel.

Here we go. Come on. Keep going.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Made you something. Matcha.
Oh, thanks. Put it over on the big tire.
- And time.
Good. Go right into squat jumps.
Down, explode. Nice.
So I was just thinking,
maybe we should get
some new silverware.
[PANTING] Yeah, sure.
You have 15 seconds. Push.
It's just that I have my silverware,
and you have your silverware,
but I just thought it would be nice
if we had, like, our silverware.
Yeah, sure. New silverware.
- Time. Nice. Back on the rope.
Back on the rope. Right to it.
Okay. Enjoy your matcha.
Don't know why she's doing all that.
Perfect the way she is.
Love you.
Love you.
- And time.
- She has scoliosis.
I know.
Ready for the bike?
- I'm ready.
- Yeah.
And then I told him we could
sue him if he didn't stop.
Good. That should settle it.
But then he said something interesting.
Basically, people were asking
him to make these products.
He was only meeting a demand
that was already there.
So I think we should bring
him in and the other sellers.
They understand the
Deborah Vance marketplace,
because they are the marketplace.
Oh, so we bring them
in, and then we sue them.
No, no.
We bring in the independent creators,
and we spotlight them on QVC.
Listen, we've had an amazing year.
Your profile is raised,
and that's been hugely
helpful for the company.
But if we want to really scale up,
we've got to start branching
out and putting your stamp
of approval on outside products,
the way Oprah did with
her Favorite Things.
- I like Oprah.
- Everyone does.
But this would be a special
hour every week on QVC
devoted to the House of Vance.
And for every sale, we
get a cut, naturally.
And after that, we sue them.
Oh, Jesus, I'm kidding.
But I'm afraid that QVC might
think we're diluting the brand.
I mean, it could backfire.
It won't.
Trust me.
Let's pitch it on Monday's call.
All right.

Yeah, mama.
- So how you feeling?
- Really good.
You were right. This is
the right moment to do this.
- Definitely.
- It's going to kill.
- All gold.
- Kill.
- Is that hazelnut coffee?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
And then I went right over his shrubs.
I guess you could say
I trimmed Carrot's top.
- Fun.
- Does that work?
- Yeah, that's fun.
- Hey, so, little problem.
Danny's got salmonella from the egg toss
he did with Christiane
Amanpour yesterday.
We have to cancel and air a rerun.
No. Oh.
Really sorry, Deborah.
Shit, I've got to release the audience.
Shit, will you guys excuse me a minute?
Wait, hey, um, what
if Deborah guest-hosts?
I mean, Danny's a fan, right?
And you know she'd be great.
She almost hosted herself.
Would you?
[SCOFFS] Yeah, I can do that.
Um, I have to get approval
from Winnie Landell, but
Oh, my God, Winnie Landell, I know her.
- We met in Montreal.
- Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
We're going to have to move
really fast if this is
Yeah, let's go. Where are my writers?
You made them wait
outside because they have
hazelnut coffee breath.
- Well, find some mints.
- Mints.
We have a monologue to write.
We're going to need a
guest for the second act.
You know, let us help with that.
- We can help.
- Yeah, we can help with that.
Get get
Give me some more of
that funky good loving ♪
We have some pitches that we think
you're really going to like, Deborah.
- Great, great. Okay.
- Well, we don't have much time,
so there's no such thing as a bad idea.
- Let's hear them.
- John.
So maybe an in-studio sketch
where you try not to set
- your desk on fire but can't.
- Uh-huh.
Because of the whole, like,
burning-down-the-house thing.
Yeah, I got it. I got it.
Anything else?
What about a desk piece where
you go through celebrities
and guess their favorite sex position?
Like Daniel Radcliffe's
could be Dobby style.
- What?
Like doggy style
but Dobby.
So how long till we tape, again?
About an hour.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
What if we put you in a Lincoln hat,
and you punch a sack of corn?
No, no, no. I totally get it. It's fine.
We'll circle back. Okay, all right, bye.
Shit, she's in New York.
- What about your mom?
- No.
My mom's Deidre Hall
from "Days of Our Lives."
Honestly, she's always camera ready,
but I'm not sure it's worth it.
Oh, my God, Reese
Witherspoon, I love her.
Do you have a connection to her?
I feel like I do. I love her.
I just said that.
Someone needs to listen.
What if you sing?
You know, you could really show
off your musical-comedy chops.
Musical comedy is an oxymoron.
Yes, of course.
What about a desk piece, and
we call "Deb-it or Credit."
Good, good. So what is it?
Oh, I don't know.
I was just seeing if you
liked the title first.
Oh, oh, you wear a wig, right?
Maybe something with that?
Something with wigs?
Yeah, hi, this is going to be quick,
- because I don't have much time.
- Okay.
Loving this energy.
Very "Bourne Identity."
Well, listen, Danny Collins is out sick.
Oh, shit.
But trimming Carrot Top's bush.
Yeah, I know, I know. But listen.
I'm going to guest host.
And so that's happening.
- Oh, my God, that's amazing.
- Yeah.
We're throwing together a
show, like, right now, now.
So would it be okay if I, uh,
you know, asked you your
opinion about a joke?
- Sure.
- Okay, thanks. How's this?
Danny has salmonella.
The good news is, no one can directly
connect me with the purchase
of any toxic chemicals.
What about the good news is,
we're saving the network money
'cause I only cost 80
cents on the dollar.
[LAUGHS] That's good.
That's good. I like that.
Well, I'm getting a lot
of texts here from my mom.
She's wondering if she can get
a car and driver to the show
and then keep it after.
His mom has an incredible body.
- Kayla, I don't want to hear that, though.
- It's a compliment.
- Please.
- What? Perfect ass.
Kayla, this is my mother
you're talking about.
You're giving me a
bad taste in my mouth.
You're giving me a
bad taste in my mouth.
Stop talking about my mom.
Okay, sorry that I
complimented your mom's body.
You never say anything
about my mom's body.
It would be wildly
inappropriate if I did.
Why would I talk about
your mother's body?
She's cute.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. That would be funny.
And yes. And for a desk piece.
Oh, the visual.
- The visual would be great.
- Oh, my God.
And then we could tag it with
[LAUGHS] Yes, oh, that's perfect.
Yes. Oh, my God, that's
the perfect opener.
Thank you.
Look, I know you probably can't, but
it'd be so much easier
if you just came here.
- Hello?
Sorry. Lost service in the elevator.
Okay. So, yeah, I think
that works for the opener,
but then I think you got to
go right into the Danny stuff.
Okay. Yeah, you're right,
you're right, you're right.
Okay, but the poison
line, is that too lateral?
No, no, I don't think
you need it at all.
Okay, last question before she agrees.
Does the hair and makeup department
use cruelty-free products?
I mean, I'll ask.
I'm just going to get her here.
- I'll figure it out.
- Guess what.
We do not have to worry anymore.
We don't need a guest.
Deborah figured it out.
Well, what's the idea?
She did not tell me. She
actually said to get away.
But I think it's going to be good.
- We don't need to worry.
Well, this is going to
suck. Would you excuse me?
Hey, Mommy.
Yeah, it turns out they do
test on animals, big-time.
I know.
She said Kinos only.
No LEDs. 2,900 Kelvin.
And move "A" camera 30 degrees clockwise
so we get more of her good side.
And do you have any
copper-colored lav mics?
If not, I'm going to
need a can of spray paint.

Hanging there, sweetheart, to the right.
You see it hanging
there? The pink. The pink.
Perfect, perfect, perfect.
Good evening. How's
everyone doing tonight?
Good, good.
Sorry, I think you got
to make that bigger.
Yeah, her text font is,
like, double the size of that.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
These are going to block her good side.
I need those on the back
wall. Small ones over there.
Are you ready to be the best audience
late night has ever heard?

Ladies and gentleman,
please welcome your host,
Deborah Vance!

Thank you.

- Colors look amazing.
- Thank you so much.
As you might know, Danny
is out with a health issue.
And out of respect for his privacy,
I can't say much more than that.
But should you experience
an erection lasting longer
than six hours, this
is a medical emergency,
and you should consult a doctor.
I recently found out there's
a group of people on Etsy
who are selling knockoff
Deborah Vance merchandise
with things I supposedly said
printed on them, which leads
us to a segment I like to call,
- Did I Say It?
A poster that says, "I may love jewelry,
but a ring has no place
on my coffee table."
- Do you think I said it?
- CROWD: Yes!
- Yes, I did, right before
a friendship-ending
argument with Nancy Reagan.
So good.
We are down a guest, but
I'm going to fix that.
You sir, you.
Fourth row. Yes, you,
you. Yeah. Come here.
So what do you do for work?
I'm actually a TSA agent.
Okay, that's all the time we
have, ladies and gentlemen.
- No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
You must find some weird
stuff in people's suitcases.
It's kind of X rated.
Oh, now you have to tell us.
Come on.
A few years ago,
this guy went through
the metal detector.
I guess he was wearing a
can I say "cuck cage" on TV?
Well, Lance, I think you just did.
What on Earth is that?
It's like a metal cage
that goes on a man's
- TSA wand.
- Yes.
And you can only take it off with a key.
But his wife had the key.
- And where was she?
- In Miami.
Hey. Don't you need to get
back to your actual job?
Oh, my God. Fuck. Shit.
I'm supposed to get them coffee.
So, according to these cards,
you broke your hand
training for the film?
Actually, it's an interesting story.
Okay, I'm going to stop you right there.
Are you just bored to tears from having
to tell this story over
and over and over again
to the press and make it sound natural?
You're going to get me in trouble.
I told that so many times,
I said it in my sleep
and woke my girlfriend up.
Well, she gets to sleep with you,
so she doesn't get to complain.
Oh, come on, it's not
a Me Too if I do it!
No, but, seriously, look at those arms.
- How much can you bench?
- Uh, bench 300, 310 pounds.
What? No. Prove it.
Bench-press me.
Shut up!
Brad! Give it up for Brad!
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you so much, every one of you,
for making it so special.
Danny, thank you for loaning
me the chair for the night.
He will be back tomorrow.
All of you, thank you, and good night.
You were great.

That guy was, like, really cute.
- That was really good.
- Should I call him?
She was great. Unbelievably great.
So good.
Thanks. Thank you.
Oh, my God, Deborah.
That was I mean,
what an incredible show.
- Thanks. Thanks.
- You were just unbelievable.
- Thank you.
- Ah. Whew.
Is it okay if I just
hang here for a minute?
Oh, yeah, yeah, take your time.
- I'll see you backstage.
- Absolutely.

You were right about
that last monologue joke.
- It killed.
- Told you so.
And you did a shockingly good job
not kink-shaming cuck cages.
- Oh, I got another call.
Yeah. I'm going to take this.
- Can you
- Yeah, sure.
Deborah, it's Danny Collins.
Hey. How are you feeling?
Oh, not bad.
In between having my
last rites read to me,
I saw the show. You did a hell of a job.
Thank you.
Seriously, you were having
so much fun up there.
Yeah, well, it's a fun gig.
Eh, at first.
At this point, I'm
basically on cruise control.
Between you and me and
my wife's divorce lawyer,
I'm leaving when my contract
is up in a few months.
It'll be some other guy's show soon.
Anyway, I just wanted to say
thank you for stepping up.
Oh, my pleasure. Anytime.
[CHUCKLES] Thanks for calling, Danny.
- Love you, Deborah.
- Okay.
Yeah, that was definitely an
I'll-call-you-back situation.
I know, I know, I'm sorry.
Listen, you said you
have a hiatus coming up
from your show, right?
- How long is it?
- Uh, three months.
Do you have any plans?
- Hey.
- Hey.
I was thinking, do you think
it just makes more sense
if I visit for, like, a weekend,
since you'll be working so much?
- What?
- Yeah.
Um, this, uh this work thing came up.
Shit. I mean, that's totally
fine if it's for work.
Is it for the show?
You know what? It's actually, um
for Deborah.
- Are you serious?
- I know. I know.
But listen, they're
replacing the late show host,
and I think she has a real shot at it.
She asked me to help
her just on my hiatus.
But you'll be working so much, right?
- So this could be good.
- Good for who?
It's just for a couple months.
I don't care how long it's for.
I mean, she fired you
and then cut you off.
That's fucked up.
You couldn't stop talking
about it for months,
about how unhealthy it was.
And now we're finally in a good place.
It makes me feel like
you're more serious about her
than you are about your
job, our life here, me.
What? What are you talking about?
I'm so serious about you.
I mean, we're getting married.
- What?
- What?
I found the ring, okay?
Ava, what are you talking about?
Ask me. I'll say yes.
- Oh, my God.
- Or I can ask you.
We're gay. There are no rules.
- Oh, my God.
- Ruby Rojas
from the first time I
saw you at Little Dom's
Oh, my God, Ava, stop. Stop. Okay, stop.
[SIGHS] This ring is from the show.
This is how Wolf Girl gets her powers.
I have it here to help
me get into character.
And I have to wear it to practice
while I'm wielding the flail.
I'm gonna stand up.
I knew you didn't
read the graphic novel.
I don't know how to
follow the fucking boxes.
Wait. You want to get married?
- I thought so.
- You thought so?
- I misunderstood.
- Uh-huh.
Listen, this has gotten
completely out of hand.
- Yeah.
- And I'm sorry about the trip.
I'm sorry I just proposed.
But it's different this time.
I'm just going to be
working with her temporarily.
You're not going to be working with her.
You're going to be working for her.
You'll always be working for her.
You're making this such a
bigger deal than it needs to be.
You're canceling our plans
to go work with someone
who was borderline abusive
because she might get a job.
Look, I know that you
respect this person.
And I know you're proud of
the work you did together,
but it was also really hard,
and not just when she fired you
the whole time.
She slapped you. She sued you.
You said she was toxic.
I said that stuff when I was mad at her.
I'm so sorry. You just don't get it.
I guess I don't get it.
- I think we need to take some space.
- What? No.
Come on. [SCOFFS]
I'll, um, I'll go to Iceland alone.
And, um
you do your thing.
And we'll see where we're
at when we're back
if you're back.
- Ruby.
- No.
Are you serious?

Times are hard ♪
You're afraid to pay the fee ♪
So you find yourself somebody ♪
Who can do the job for free ♪
When you need a bit of lovin' ♪
'Cause your man is out of town ♪
That's the time ♪
- Welcome back.
And you know I'll be around ♪
Shoes off.
I'm a fool to do your dirty work ♪
Oh, yeah ♪
I don't want to do your dirty work ♪
No more ♪
I'm a fool to do your dirty work ♪
Oh, yeah ♪
I don't want to do your dirty work ♪
No more ♪
I'm a fool to do your dirty work ♪
Oh, yeah ♪

I'm a fool to do your dirty work ♪
Oh, yeah ♪
I don't want to do your dirty work ♪
No more ♪
I don't want to do your dirty work ♪
No more ♪
I'm a fool to do your dirty work ♪
Oh, yeah ♪
I don't want ♪
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