Hacks (2021) s03e04 Episode Script
Join the Club
1
[EXCITING MUSIC]
♪
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Hey! Stop!
It's an emergency!
What are you doing?
It's not safe!
[PANTING]
♪
Under the seat.
Thank you.
Not the time to invite any crow's feet.
Yeah.
♪
[SIGHS]
♪
God, look at this.
Jack Danby's reps have him
schmoozing with the head of comedy
and the CEO of the whole conglomerate.
You know what? Don't worry,
'cause Kayla and I are all over it, OK?
We're working really hard to
connect with Winnie Landell.
Oh, yeah, she looks
like she's all over it.
- [SNORING]
- [SIGHS]
Winnie's schedule is
packed, and every comedy rep
is trying to sit down with her,
so it's been a little tricky.
Tricky for you.
You need to get a
meeting with Winnie ASAP.
I promise you we will, OK?
And when we do, I already
have a great angle, OK?
I've practiced this. They probably
want someone diverse, right?
Well, guess what. Old is diverse, huh?
Yeah. We'll shatter the glass hip.
No, I didn't mean that.
Oh, man.
Is there any way I can
get out of this thing?
Cohosting the Macy's Day Parade is
it's so daytime. It's not
gonna help with these guys.
Well, we're 45 minutes from
landing to tape the promo,
so I think it's a
little late to pull out.
Is there any other meaningful press
I can do while I'm in New York?
You know, I could probably
get you on "Talk Stoop."
"Talk Soup"?
No, "Talk Stoop" with Cat
Greenleaf. It's on Taxi TV.
You sit on a stoop and talk.
- Oh, my God.
- You know what?
You also have a standing
offer at "The Chew."
- "The Jew"?
- "The Chew," like teeth.
Oh, yeah. No, I know.
You need to come up with better ideas.
And speak from your diaphragm.
[FORCEFULLY] Will do. [CLEARS THROAT]
People, this is what we're up against,
a Harvard boy with connections.
Sitting on a stoop can't compete
with a guy who just hosted
the White House Correspondents' Dinner.
OK, why don't you just
put out a press release
saying that you want
late night so that way,
- you're in the conversation?
- Oh, God, no.
A woman can't just come
out and say what she wants.
No, that looks
- BOTH: Thirsty.
- Mm-hmm.
No, it's got to seem
like it's their idea.
OK, fine. Do what you want.
I'll just be quiet and
keep eating these cookies.
Those are dog biscuits.
I'm aware. They're delicious
and grain-free.
The chef told me. I was like,
are you fucking serious?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
So Deborah and I agreed
that while I'm with her,
I should also spend time
working on my own stuff.
You absolutely should;
I would love to get
- a feature out of you.
- You and me both.
So I was wondering if
you knew of any, like,
open writing assignments that
you think would be good for me.
Yes, I have coverage
from Kayla, actually
Whoo!
That I think might be interesting.
- OK, great.
- Literally every studio
wants a procedural based on "Operation."
Remember that game? [MIMICS BUZZER]
OK, what else you got?
OK, so they've done
some market research,
and they've found that Gen
Z thinks the animated spoon
from "Beauty and the Beast" is hot
and apparently can "get it."
So they want something that
focuses on his love life,
like a spin-off focusing on
the animated spoon's love life.
Love life.
- Um, all right.
- OK.
- Give me another one.
- No spoon. OK.
Oh. I got it. I found it.
This one is good for you.
They're doing a bisexual Gumby.
He bends both ways.
- You're bisexual. [LAUGHS]
- Yeah, so that might be perfect for you.
- The working title: "Gum-Bi."
- OK, you know what?
I think I'm just gonna try
to write an idea of my own.
Original is really harder to sell.
Honestly, nobody wants it.
But Roku is open, and
they have two buckets
they're looking to fill right now,
noisy concepts and Black joy.
I think you should focus
on noisy concepts, though,
since you are not Black no offense.
You're not.
Oh, OK.
I missed one.
They want to do something
with "Sleeping Beauty,"
but apparently, this
time, it's consensual.
And if someone could ask
Hoda where she got her scarf,
I would just love it.
Sure.
Deborah Vance.
Oh, my gosh, Henry Weeks!
[CHUCKLES]
How have you been?
I haven't seen you since
- Jerry Lewis Telethon.
- That's it.
This is so wild. Two weeks
ago, I recorded an NPR segment
where I had to pick something
from pop culture that I loved,
and I talked about your special.
- You did?
- Are you kidding?
It was the best special
of the last ten years,
which kills me because I
released one three years ago.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Wow, that wow, thank you.
- That means a lot coming from you.
- I'm serious.
You took a lifetime of issues,
and you turned it into a work of genius.
Actually, are you still in Vegas?
- Yeah.
- Oh, this is fabulous.
'Cause every few years,
Terry, Cliff Calhoun, and I
Oh, let me guess
gamble, golf, drugs, women?
No, even better.
We get colonoscopies together.
[LAUGHS]
I knew something was going in a hole.
[LAUGHS] We rent a house in Vegas.
We play cards, clear out our GI tract.
Next day, we get the colonoscopies.
And then we celebrate
with a Vegas night out.
And whoever has the cleanest
bill of health buys dinner.
[LAUGHS] Well, that sounds like a blast.
It is.
And we're doing it this weekend.
So if you're due, you should come.
I'd love to.
I've been so busy, I'm overdue.
Oh, well, that's great. That's great.
I will text you all the details.
OK. Can I bring something?
Air freshener.
I guess men can be funny.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
- OK, see you soon.
Just do it harder, or
don't do it at all, Jimmy.
- [PHONE RINGING]
- [GROANS]
Hi. I got a delivery for Ruby.
It says hand off in person.
Oh, well, I'm sorry, I'm not there.
It's my girlfriend's house.
I mean, it's my house too.
We're sort of taking space right now
to evaluate things.
Hey, is that order
for one person or two?
[SIGHS] I'm just gonna
leave it at the door.
No, no, just tell me if there's beef.
She doesn't eat beef.
Beef is a smoking gun!
Sir!
Hey, are you OK?
Yeah. Why?
You just yelled, "Beef
is a smoking gun."
Oh, that.
I think I'm extra
sensitive because Ruby's
having this going-away party on Friday.
Do you think I should
drive four hours to LA
to say goodbye even though
she didn't invite me?
- I should, right?
- No.
Whew. Your mind.
But if you're looking for a distraction,
you could come to bar
trivia Friday night.
You do bar trivia? OK,
extracurriculars, very healthy.
Well, it is a team that my mom
and ex-boyfriend started without me.
They only asked me to
join when they realized
they needed someone
who knew state capitals.
- Sorry.
- Hello, my gorgeous team.
What's going on?
They slash the capital gains tax?
[LAUGHS]
No. I'm getting a colonoscopy.
- Ah.
- Hmm.
But you just you just had one.
I know, but this is a group thing.
- Well, OK.
- Exciting.
- Oh, all right.
- Whoa!
- OK!
- Shake it!
- Shake that thing!
- [LAUGHS]
♪
Honestly, this was a great idea.
I cannot wait to hit.
I've been so stressed out
with all this Deborah stuff.
Yeah, I had no idea
they had courts here.
Yeah, they don't have tennis courts.
They have pickleball courts.
Wait, pickleball?
Yeah, it's like tiny tennis. [CHUCKLES]
I know what pickleball
is, but I thought we were
playing tennis; that's why I agreed.
- OK, don't be mad at me.
- Oh, God.
But this is our general
with Winnie Landell.
What? Kayla, what the hell?
I thought you were
scheduling that for next week.
I'm sorry, man.
I can't be perfect, OK? I
tried to get us the meeting.
Her next opening's not
for, like, eight months.
But her second assistant
Avi, who I made out with
seven years ago really bad kisser
said she's obsessed with pickleball
and she has a standing
reservation on this court.
So you're welcome.
Kayla, what do you expect me to do here?
You want me to just
walk up to her randomly,
wearing mesh shorts, and pitch
Deborah to host late night?
No, I want you to get
into a game with her,
you know, impress her with your skills.
Maybe you earn her respect,
and then you seal the
fucking deal, baby!
OK, shh, we're at an
expensive country club.
It's not illegal to yell.
I don't know how to play pickleball.
And this plan is insanity, girl.
You're an amazing tennis guy.
You could probably pick up any sport.
- You could probably bowl.
- What
[SIGHS] Come on.
I got us these cute little paddles.
It's kind of kinky.
Come on, stretch me out.
[SIGHS] My God.
♪
Let's see.
That, that
[KNOCKING]
Hi.
While you're gone, I will
be turning the heat up to 68
'cause I've started shivering so hard,
my arm hair is getting thicker.
I need the thermostat passcode.
No, no, a room should
be the same temperature
as a white wine fridge.
Keeps your metabolism on its toes.
So what do you think, this or this?
I mean, which is better for
a colonoscopy prep party?
I don't know. Is it
too sparkly? I just
I don't know, maybe I'll just
- should go with what I have on.
- [LAUGHS]
I'm so shocked that you care this much.
Oh, you don't understand.
I've always idolized them.
When I was first starting in
stand-up, they were the guys.
- OK, but weren't you, like, the girl?
- Oh, no, no.
I mean, I could fill seats, you know,
but they thought it was
because of my sitcom, you know,
or the fire.
I was never seen as
legit by guys like them.
And now they want you to
clean out your colon with them.
Dreams really do come true.
- I know!
- [LAUGHS]
Isn't it fantastic?
Can I just get a blanket?
♪
Yeah. Yeah, well, she can go
they can go to hell for all I care.
OK, bye-bye.
Hey, hey, hey. This is our court.
Oh, Johnny?
Jimmy LuSaque, Jr. We met at JFL.
You told me you had sex with my dad.
Oh, right. This is our court.
Oh, I must have accidentally booked this
for Tuesday instead of Thursday.
This always happens you
put a T down in the calendar,
and you're like, was that
for Tuesday or Thursday?
- Does that ever happen to you?
- No.
Honestly, I have the same
problem with trying to r
Damn it, this sucks, 'cause, you know,
Jimmy here was gonna
help me with my technique.
He's really amazing.
He's really, really good.
Really? You don't really
have a pickleball body.
He's got a pickleball body.
- It's in his bones.
- [CLEARS THROAT]
[CHUCKLES] He's a tennis star.
You know, my dad hired him
to give me lessons one summer,
and it's probably one of the
best memories of my childhood.
- It was?
- Mm-hmm.
- You're that good?
- Yeah, he played tennis at Brown.
I did.
Well, maybe we should play doubles.
I love a little competition,
but I hate people who waste my time.
Peter Thiel? Like
playing with Helen Keller
without the star power.
Wow, well, I'm certainly
better than that.
She was blind, deaf, and mute.
Jimmy.
By the way, I'm Beth.
I work with Winnie.
We play for money. What do you say?
Grand a game?
- Holy hell, OK.
- Wow.
- Sure, yeah, absolutely.
- Great.
It's just money, and we got it.
Sure thing. I like it.
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- That sounds good to me.
Google the rules. Google the rules.
♪
- Hey.
- This is Ava.
- Hey, nice to meet you guys.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hey!
Thank God you got us a white.
What? Oh, yeah. I'm
a white person, yeah.
We got a strong team, but
we have some blind spots.
- Mm-hmm.
- Last week, we lost
on a question about natural wine.
Oh, I love natural wine.
[MOCKINGLY] Oh, I love natural wine.
We gon' mop the floor
with these motherfuckers.
[LAUGHTER]
[MUFFLED LAUGHTER, CHATTER]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[BRIGHT MUSIC]
♪
- Ho-ho!
- Henry!
Well, if it isn't our
very own "It Girl."
Oh, I like that.
Ah, Terry, Cliff, hi!
Aw, good to see you, Deb.
- Oh, my God, you too.
- You look fantastic.
Thank you.
Now, are you ready for
my famous laxa-tini?
- Oh, boy.
- You might be used to vodka,
but tonight you're getting
magnesium sulfate straight up.
- Shaken, not stirred, I hope.
- [LAUGHS]
May I take your bag,
Miss Special of the Year?
- Oh, thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Her bag, my jokes
you take everything.
All right, let it go, Cliff.
There are six bathrooms.
But if you can't make it,
there's a really ugly vase
on the kitchen counter.
- No, it's deep.
- [LAUGHS]
- It'll work.
- [LAUGHING] Oh, my.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
Mine.
Beth.
Mine!
[ALL GRUNTING]
Mine!
- Oh, my God.
- Boom goes the dynamite.
- How's my ass taste?
- That's
$10 grand, you beta fuck.
I'm sorry. I get very competitive.
- But it is $10 grand.
- [EXHALES HEAVILY]
We have to go.
We don't have that kind of money.
- Double or nothing?
- [SCOFFS]
Oh, look who grew some foreskin.
I like it. Let's go.
Oh, my God, help us all.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
♪
Hello!
- Wh
- Oh, shit. Ray?
Oh, my God.
Dude!
King of the Palmetto front desk.
What's up, my man?
How are you?
So you're back in Vegas?
Just for a little. I live in LA.
I'm on hiatus from working on
that show "On The Contrary."
Oh, yeah. That show used to be funny.
Thanks. [CHUCKLES]
Are you here for trivia?
Am I here for trivia?
Yeah, I'm a legend around these parts.
My team Quiz Khalifa was disbanded
'cause we won too much,
so now I'm with O'trivia Newton-John.
Oh, that's cool.
Yeah, it's my first time.
My friend Marcus invited me.
Wait, you're here with SWA?
SWA?
Yeah, Sisters with Answers.
I hate them. We hate them.
Marcus, are you wearing
an Apple Watch, dude?
Raymond, it is on airplane mode.
OK, you know the rules, though:
no smartwatches, no smartphones.
You know, you can rattle off
about the rules all you want to.
You still don't know the
capital of South Dakota.
- Bismarck?
- Is it?
It i
oh, fuck, that's North Dakota.
- Shit.
- Jesus Christ. [CHUCKLES]
- All right, see you on the ice.
- Hello!
You know, I work in
customer service too,
and this is dog shit.
- [LAUGHTER]
- You did not!
- I did.
- No, you did not!
- Did it backwards.
- Backwards!
[VOCALIZING]
- Oh!
- Oh!
[VOCALIZING]
Oh, boy.
You are gonna hate this.
[ALL GROANING]
To talking shit and to making it too.
Down one hatch and out another.
Ugh.
- Oh, God!
- [ALL GROANING]
I can't believe you
did 40 dates last year.
I got to give you a lot of
credit. I couldn't do that now.
Oh, don't sell yourself short, Terry.
You couldn't sell out that many venues
when you were young either.
- [LAUGHTER]
- All right, all right.
Had I known that you
were going to roast Terry,
I would have invited you years ago.
[LAUGHTER]
Deborah, I saw you on late night.
You were fantastic.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah, I heard that Danby kid's
probably gonna be the next host.
I don't get him. I mean, how old is he?
I mean, not even 40, lucky fuck.
He's fine, but he never would
have made it back in the day.
- Mm-mm, mm-mm.
- No, no.
Eh, he's not that good.
If they wanted to hire somebody unfunny,
they could hire him.
Hey, hey, hey!
I was just nice to you.
OK, OK. You have to pay the price.
- No, no, no, no!
- Come on. Come on.
- Ah, God!
- Ah!
Oh, my God.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
The answer to question
number five is Kylie Minogue.
- Yes, baby!
- [PHONE CHIMES]
Question six was Juneau, Alaska.
Killing it! Killing it.
- Whoo-hoo!
- Yes.
And the answer to question
seven was the film "Frances Ha."
- Yes!
- Good girl.
I'm a Baumbach-head, dude.
Know his whole oeuvre.
The leaders are still Sisters
with Answers with 30 points
- [ALL CHEERING]
- That's right.
Followed by O'trivia Newton-John
- with 29 points
- Fuck you, bitch.
- [BLOWS RASPBERRY]
- [PHONE CHIMES]
And the Corn Cob Boys with 25 points.
So round five is gonna
be a sports round.
Wait, violation. Phone violation.
Ava Daniels on SWA, she's
using her phone to cheat.
- No.
- OK, OK, she's new.
No, she was warned.
- I warned her.
- OK, everybody calm down.
All right, so, SWA,
you were on your phone.
That's gonna be a five-point penalty.
- Oh!
- I'm sorry.
I'm still connected to the Ring cam
at my girlfriend's house,
and she's having a party.
People keep buzzing the door.
I'm just letting them in.
- Girl.
- Ava?
Oh, shit.
- Hi.
- Wow.
- Are you kidding me?
- OK, I'm going outside.
Jesus.
What the fuck, Ava?
Why are you letting
people into my house?
It kept buzzing on my phone.
And I could say that you not creating
a party protocol that didn't involve
the Ring cam is disrespectful to me.
Have you been spying on me
through our camera?
No, I have been here living
my life, having a phone.
And occasionally did
I check to make sure
you didn't leave the palo santo
burning? Yes, it's possible.
Oh, my God.
OK. Jesus, I'm sorry.
I'll delete it, but it's
just gonna be annoying
to re-log in when I get home.
I don't think you're
gonna be re-logging in.
What do you mean I'm not gonna re-log in
to our doorbell app?
I just think this space has felt
really right for me.
And I'm just not sure
I'm sure. I'm very sure.
I want to be with you.
Then be with me.
Come to Iceland.
I [SIGHS]
We're just it's
There's my answer.
[SOMBER MUSIC]
I think this is over.
[SCOFFS] No. Ruby
Bye, Ava.
♪
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
[SIGHS] Great shot.
Don't say that.
Why would you say that?
[GRUNTING]
- Oh.
- You got to come up on those.
- I beg your pardon?
- You got to come up on those.
Oh, my God.
Mine!
- [COUGHS]
- Yes!
- Yeah!
- BOTH: Whoo!
You got to come up on those.
There we go. Boom!
Oh, Jesus. Ow.
Oh, you didn't like that, huh?
Match point for you guys.
We know, Beth.
Jesus fuck!
This is exactly why I divorced your ass.
I know. God.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Hey, what's going on? You OK?
Jimmy, I feel like I'm really scared.
My back's, like, tensing up.
You know I'm the weakest link.
I feel like I'm gonna mess this up.
Hey, you got a great serve.
All you have to do is
get it over the net.
And if it comes to you, dink it.
OK. Dink it.
Dink it, and I'll take
care of the rest, OK?
- OK.
- All right, you got this.
- OK. [CHUCKLES]
- OK.
Thanks.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
♪
[GRUNTS]
♪
[GRUNTS]
- [GRUNTS]
- Beth.
[GRUNTS]
- Nice dink!
- Mine!
♪
- [GRUNTS] Yeah!
- Yes!
- How's my ass taste?
- Whoo!
Motherfucker!
- Yes! We won nothing.
- That was amazing.
God, what is wrong with you?
- Good game.
- Ugh.
That is the best match we've had
in months, right, Beth?
- I guess.
- You're good, LuSaque.
You're at Latitude, right?
I actually left to start my own firm.
- Deborah Vance came with us.
- Ah, she's funny.
Good for you. She's having a moment.
Yeah, a moment I think you
could be taking advantage of.
I know you need a new host for 11:30,
and she'd be amazing.
- She rocks.
- I mean, she's funny
but old-school in the perfect way.
- She can talk to anybody and
- Hey, you don't have to sell me on Deborah.
I love her. I loved her guest spot.
But I need someone with
how can I put this staying power.
You said yourself in your
interview in "Variety"
I read it, loved it
that late night's on the decline
and you need to shake it up.
Well, Deborah's a really noisy choice.
She's certainly unexpected.
But a 70-year-old woman is a tough sell.
Well, not to your audience.
I mean, the majority of
people watching are over 30.
You put someone like Jack
Danby behind that desk,
kids aren't getting off
TikTok to watch him.
My mom doesn't know who he is.
But Deborah sold 4 million
physical DVDs last year.
I mean, she's the queen
of people who can't
- figure out their internet.
- [LAUGHS]
With her, you keep
the audience you have.
Plus, you're doing something
that's never been done before.
Jimmy, it's a good pitch,
but I just don't think she's it.
But I'm gonna think about it.
You want to play tomorrow morning?
- Like, in ten hours?
- Yeah.
- See you there, sister.
- You reserve. See you at 7:00.
Bye.
We can't reserve a court
if we're nonmembers.
Ugh, how much does it cost to join?
$20 grand a year apiece.
It'd be less if we were married.
- How much less?
- OK, I hear you loud and clear.
- No, I just want to know
- No, no.
It's something you want to consider.
- That's fine.
- We have to join now
- is my consideration.
- OK, yeah.
Let's talk about it.
This is the last question.
We could win this.
Which Ventura, California, swing
band are known for their song
"You, Me, and the Bottle Make Three"?
[TEARFULLY] The Big Bad Voodoo Daddies.
Are you OK?
No.
And the answer to the final question
is Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, singular.
Big Bad Voodoo Daddies
will not be accepted.
Yes!
And that means the winner
is O'trivia Newton-John.
- [CHEERING]
- [SOBBING]
That's good, Sisters
with Not Enough Answers.
It's OK. It's just bar trivia.
I'm so stupid.
- It's OK. Here.
- Here, drink.
Do they have food here? both: No.
[SOBS]
Yes, I fly to Miami next week.
You know, the one thing I do love
about getting old: boarding early.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
In the time it takes for them to say,
"Does anyone need any assistance?"
I can go from Usain
Bolt to Stephen Hawking.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, shame on all of
you, flying commercial
when you have the means to fly private.
- [LAUGHTER]
- OK, get this.
We're having Thanksgiving
at my daughter's this year.
And last night, she called
me to give me a heads-up
that my 15-year-old
granddaughter is bisexual now.
- Oh, no.
- Come on.
Do they even know what
boys and girls are?
She showed me a picture
of her boyfriend.
I thought it was my second wife.
- [LAUGHTER]
- You know, I hate that shit.
Then they got the pansexual.
What, they fuck skillets?
- Pick a team. Pick a team.
- Yes. Yes.
[LAUGHTER]
Well, I mean, there are an elite few
who are attracted to both genders
or all genders.
- All genders?
- All 15?
Wait, wait, wait.
- A-L-L?
- Are you doing a bit?
No, no.
I'm just saying you
you can't say that all
bisexuals are faking it.
Oh, come on, Deb, we all
know most of the girls
are doing it these days 'cause
they want a little attention.
OK.
Is this a bit?
No.
You know, for comedians, you're all
a little out of touch.
Uno.
Excuse me. Nature calls.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[MUFFLED CHATTER]
[MUFFLED LAUGHTER]
So Deborah swings both ways, huh?
Between funny and unfunny.
[LAUGHTER]
Maybe she is one of those people.
Yeah, what a buzzkill.
Thanks for inviting
the PC police, Henry.
It's gonna be hard to do a colonoscopy
with that stick up her ass.
[LAUGHTER]
Shh, shh, shh.
[ARETHA FRANKLIN'S "EVIL GAL BLUES"]
♪
I'm an evil gal ♪
Don't you bother with me, no ♪
I said I'm an evil gal ♪
[METALLIC CLANGING]
Don't even think about
taking that to your room.
Eat it over the sink
like you normally do.
I'm depressed, and I
don't want to talk to you,
so I'm leaving.
Well, too bad.
I'm not talking to you either.
You ruined my poop party!
What? What did I do?
Also, why are you housing
cheese like a fucking mouse?
- It's binding!
- Not for me!
You know, I finally get
in good with those guys,
and I can't enjoy it because of you.
You got in my head.
They said some crap about bisexuals,
and I couldn't let it go.
I don't understand. So you defended me?
Not you.
Other bisexuals.
Alan Cumming and Malcolm X.
You know, I had to say something,
and then it got really uncomfortable,
and I didn't want to stay.
And it's all because of you!
Well, sorry I changed
your mind about bisexuals.
I mean, before you, I
was perfectly content
being a gorgeous Vegas
comic, doing my thing,
making tons of money.
And then you come along,
and you make me want more for myself.
And it's just fucking annoying!
OK, so you're mad at me for
pushing you to be better?
Yes. No.
I don't know. I don't know.
It's just, a few years
ago, I could not have dreamt
that I would walk out of a party
where Henry Weeks was
saying how great I was,
and that's what I did tonight.
And I'm just mad at you!
Well, I'm mad at you.
Where are you going?
Ugh.
The bathroom!
Are you is there
a bathroom right there?
[DOOR SLAMS] I've been walking
all the way to the east
wing this whole time.
Oh, my God.
You know, I'm sorry you
had to leave a party.
But I just lost a relationship
with someone I love
to be here.
And I'm gonna lose
all our mutual friends.
And our facialist is
for sure gonna choose her
'cause she said Ruby's face
was "less work" on a text
that I saw over her shoulder.
[SIGHS] And that sucks.
And it's all because I came back here.
[TOILET FLUSHES]
Well, you didn't have to come back!
- [WATER RUNNING]
- Yes, I did.
Because I wanted to.
I wanted to be here with
you 'cause you're in my head.
Yeah, well, I'm sorry, I guess.
I don't know what to tell you.
[SCOFFS] I don't know either.
All I know is, we better get this thing,
'cause it comes at great personal cost
to repair the trauma
of your pilot not going
during the Carter administration.
That's not why I want it.
I've wanted it since I was a kid.
You have?
Yes.
Well, cool your parents
let you stay up that late.
My mom wouldn't let
me watch "Ren & Stimpy"
'cause of all the close-ups of zits.
Yeah, well,
you know, my house
wasn't real big on rules.
My dad was a drinker.
The later it got, the worse it got.
Except when Johnny Carson came on.
He was funny enough
that he'd distract him,
and he'd laugh.
And we'd all laugh.
It was
I don't know, it was nice.
So all I ever wanted was to,
you know, live in that hour.
You never talk about your parents.
Well, it makes you sound old
- when you say your parents are dead.
- [CHUCKLES]
Why don't you just come
out and say why you want it?
I think if people knew how
personal this is for you,
that would be really compelling.
Oh, God, no, I can't even say I want it,
let alone all that other stuff.
OK, sure, but I think
you can say what you want.
You've never played by the rules.
And I don't think you have
the luxury of playing this safe
'cause you're not the safe choice.
Can't risk it.
You're all about risk.
You self-financed your
special and sold it on QVC.
That was before.
I've got all these eyes on me now.
I'm finally respected, respectable.
If I say I want it
and then I don't get it
for the second time,
then I'll be a joke again.
And that would just be too much.
Would it?
I mean, who are you worried
about being a joke to?
The guys whose respect you wanted
most of all, you just rejected.
Deborah, your superpower
is that you're shameless.
And having shame about the thing
you want most in the world
isn't you.
You think that's a terrible idea.
- No, the cheese isn't working.
- [LAUGHS]
[UPBEAT MARCHING BAND MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
All right, well, next up
is the Sulfur Springs
High School marching band.
Careful, kids, those
New York City potholes
- can be a doozy.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
Well, not to steal their thunder, Mario,
but can I make an announcement
here on live television?
Thanks.
America, I am ready to be the
next woman on network late night.
That's right.
I want to be the next
host of "The Late Show."
I may be a woman and I
may be a natural blonde,
but I am the best person for the job.
I'm funny. I'm vivacious.
And I'm the only person who can get away
with asking a man, "Cut or uncut?"
Mario?
Uncut.
Thought so.
OK.
And how about that cymbal section?
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
Yeah, why don't we take
a quick commercial break?
[DOLLY PARTON'S "BABY I'M BURNIN'"]
- Did you see this?
- What?
Deborah Vance went rogue on live TV
and announced she's
gunning to be the next woman
in network late night.
- That was bold of her.
- I loved it.
Good for her.
I don't like her for it. Come on.
Joy, you got to get over the beef.
- Never.
- Oh, my God.
- Joy.
- What?
You're unbelievable.
Well, like it or not,
she's on the campaign trail.
So watch out, America.
She's coming for you.
You look at me that way ♪
I know what your eyes say ♪
Temps will fall across
Indianapolis late tonight.
Speaking of late night,
wouldn't you like
a charming gal like me on
your TV set every night
to keep you warm and toasty?
Oh, a Deborah burger is
very interesting to us.
Yo, can I get a Deborah's
Dunkin' Midnight Roast?
Welcome to Las Vegas, baby.
Remember, what happens here stays here,
unless it's crabs.
Fuck yes.
Deb's in. Whoo! Rock and roll!
Hot as a pistol of flaming desire ♪
In 20 feet, you will be
arriving at your destination.
What a dump!
Rinka turkey nurbler da
woo-hoo with a chum-cha!
- Ooh be gah!
- [LAUGHTER]
I have been bugging
my manager for years.
The only thing I've wanted
more than late night
is to be on "Talk Stoop."
- Right, Cara?
- [DOG BARKS]
Hot as a pistol of flaming desire ♪
[TIRES SCREECHING]
- [PHONE CHIMING]
- [GROANS]
[YAWNS]
OK, hold on.
You got to hear this.
Hi, it's Winnie.
So this morning, I walked in on my son
doing a Deborah Vance makeup tutorial.
She might have wider
appeal than I thought.
We should talk. Call me back.
OK!
- [ALL CHEERING]
- Yay! Oh, my God!
God, of course her kid was the key.
Executives love listening to their kids.
I was actually at the sleepover
where we decided that Tobey Maguire
would be the next Spider-Man.
[LAUGHTER]
- [ALL CHEERING]
- Oh, my God!
This is huge.
♪
Baby, I'm burnin' out of control ♪
Baby, I'm burnin', body and soul ♪
Hot as a pistol of flaming desire ♪
Baby, I'm burnin',
you got me on fire ♪
Baby, I'm burnin' ♪
Baby, I'm burnin' ♪
Baby, I'm burnin' ♪
Baby, I'm burnin' ♪
Baby, I'm burnin' out of control ♪
Baby, I'm burnin', body and soul ♪
Hot as a pistol of flaming desire ♪
Baby, I'm burnin',
you got me on fire ♪
Baby, I'm burnin' out of control ♪
Baby, I'm burnin', body and soul ♪
Hot as a pistol of flaming desire ♪
Baby, I'm burnin',
you got me on fire ♪
Baby, I'm burnin' out of control ♪
Baby, I'm burnin', body and soul ♪
Hot as a pistol of flaming desire ♪
Baby, I'm burnin',
you got me on fire ♪
Baby, I'm burnin' out of control ♪
Baby, I'm burnin', body and soul ♪
Hot as a pistol of flaming desire ♪
Baby, I'm burnin',
you got me on fire ♪
[EXCITING MUSIC]
♪
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Hey! Stop!
It's an emergency!
What are you doing?
It's not safe!
[PANTING]
♪
Under the seat.
Thank you.
Not the time to invite any crow's feet.
Yeah.
♪
[SIGHS]
♪
God, look at this.
Jack Danby's reps have him
schmoozing with the head of comedy
and the CEO of the whole conglomerate.
You know what? Don't worry,
'cause Kayla and I are all over it, OK?
We're working really hard to
connect with Winnie Landell.
Oh, yeah, she looks
like she's all over it.
- [SNORING]
- [SIGHS]
Winnie's schedule is
packed, and every comedy rep
is trying to sit down with her,
so it's been a little tricky.
Tricky for you.
You need to get a
meeting with Winnie ASAP.
I promise you we will, OK?
And when we do, I already
have a great angle, OK?
I've practiced this. They probably
want someone diverse, right?
Well, guess what. Old is diverse, huh?
Yeah. We'll shatter the glass hip.
No, I didn't mean that.
Oh, man.
Is there any way I can
get out of this thing?
Cohosting the Macy's Day Parade is
it's so daytime. It's not
gonna help with these guys.
Well, we're 45 minutes from
landing to tape the promo,
so I think it's a
little late to pull out.
Is there any other meaningful press
I can do while I'm in New York?
You know, I could probably
get you on "Talk Stoop."
"Talk Soup"?
No, "Talk Stoop" with Cat
Greenleaf. It's on Taxi TV.
You sit on a stoop and talk.
- Oh, my God.
- You know what?
You also have a standing
offer at "The Chew."
- "The Jew"?
- "The Chew," like teeth.
Oh, yeah. No, I know.
You need to come up with better ideas.
And speak from your diaphragm.
[FORCEFULLY] Will do. [CLEARS THROAT]
People, this is what we're up against,
a Harvard boy with connections.
Sitting on a stoop can't compete
with a guy who just hosted
the White House Correspondents' Dinner.
OK, why don't you just
put out a press release
saying that you want
late night so that way,
- you're in the conversation?
- Oh, God, no.
A woman can't just come
out and say what she wants.
No, that looks
- BOTH: Thirsty.
- Mm-hmm.
No, it's got to seem
like it's their idea.
OK, fine. Do what you want.
I'll just be quiet and
keep eating these cookies.
Those are dog biscuits.
I'm aware. They're delicious
and grain-free.
The chef told me. I was like,
are you fucking serious?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
So Deborah and I agreed
that while I'm with her,
I should also spend time
working on my own stuff.
You absolutely should;
I would love to get
- a feature out of you.
- You and me both.
So I was wondering if
you knew of any, like,
open writing assignments that
you think would be good for me.
Yes, I have coverage
from Kayla, actually
Whoo!
That I think might be interesting.
- OK, great.
- Literally every studio
wants a procedural based on "Operation."
Remember that game? [MIMICS BUZZER]
OK, what else you got?
OK, so they've done
some market research,
and they've found that Gen
Z thinks the animated spoon
from "Beauty and the Beast" is hot
and apparently can "get it."
So they want something that
focuses on his love life,
like a spin-off focusing on
the animated spoon's love life.
Love life.
- Um, all right.
- OK.
- Give me another one.
- No spoon. OK.
Oh. I got it. I found it.
This one is good for you.
They're doing a bisexual Gumby.
He bends both ways.
- You're bisexual. [LAUGHS]
- Yeah, so that might be perfect for you.
- The working title: "Gum-Bi."
- OK, you know what?
I think I'm just gonna try
to write an idea of my own.
Original is really harder to sell.
Honestly, nobody wants it.
But Roku is open, and
they have two buckets
they're looking to fill right now,
noisy concepts and Black joy.
I think you should focus
on noisy concepts, though,
since you are not Black no offense.
You're not.
Oh, OK.
I missed one.
They want to do something
with "Sleeping Beauty,"
but apparently, this
time, it's consensual.
And if someone could ask
Hoda where she got her scarf,
I would just love it.
Sure.
Deborah Vance.
Oh, my gosh, Henry Weeks!
[CHUCKLES]
How have you been?
I haven't seen you since
- Jerry Lewis Telethon.
- That's it.
This is so wild. Two weeks
ago, I recorded an NPR segment
where I had to pick something
from pop culture that I loved,
and I talked about your special.
- You did?
- Are you kidding?
It was the best special
of the last ten years,
which kills me because I
released one three years ago.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Wow, that wow, thank you.
- That means a lot coming from you.
- I'm serious.
You took a lifetime of issues,
and you turned it into a work of genius.
Actually, are you still in Vegas?
- Yeah.
- Oh, this is fabulous.
'Cause every few years,
Terry, Cliff Calhoun, and I
Oh, let me guess
gamble, golf, drugs, women?
No, even better.
We get colonoscopies together.
[LAUGHS]
I knew something was going in a hole.
[LAUGHS] We rent a house in Vegas.
We play cards, clear out our GI tract.
Next day, we get the colonoscopies.
And then we celebrate
with a Vegas night out.
And whoever has the cleanest
bill of health buys dinner.
[LAUGHS] Well, that sounds like a blast.
It is.
And we're doing it this weekend.
So if you're due, you should come.
I'd love to.
I've been so busy, I'm overdue.
Oh, well, that's great. That's great.
I will text you all the details.
OK. Can I bring something?
Air freshener.
I guess men can be funny.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
- OK, see you soon.
Just do it harder, or
don't do it at all, Jimmy.
- [PHONE RINGING]
- [GROANS]
Hi. I got a delivery for Ruby.
It says hand off in person.
Oh, well, I'm sorry, I'm not there.
It's my girlfriend's house.
I mean, it's my house too.
We're sort of taking space right now
to evaluate things.
Hey, is that order
for one person or two?
[SIGHS] I'm just gonna
leave it at the door.
No, no, just tell me if there's beef.
She doesn't eat beef.
Beef is a smoking gun!
Sir!
Hey, are you OK?
Yeah. Why?
You just yelled, "Beef
is a smoking gun."
Oh, that.
I think I'm extra
sensitive because Ruby's
having this going-away party on Friday.
Do you think I should
drive four hours to LA
to say goodbye even though
she didn't invite me?
- I should, right?
- No.
Whew. Your mind.
But if you're looking for a distraction,
you could come to bar
trivia Friday night.
You do bar trivia? OK,
extracurriculars, very healthy.
Well, it is a team that my mom
and ex-boyfriend started without me.
They only asked me to
join when they realized
they needed someone
who knew state capitals.
- Sorry.
- Hello, my gorgeous team.
What's going on?
They slash the capital gains tax?
[LAUGHS]
No. I'm getting a colonoscopy.
- Ah.
- Hmm.
But you just you just had one.
I know, but this is a group thing.
- Well, OK.
- Exciting.
- Oh, all right.
- Whoa!
- OK!
- Shake it!
- Shake that thing!
- [LAUGHS]
♪
Honestly, this was a great idea.
I cannot wait to hit.
I've been so stressed out
with all this Deborah stuff.
Yeah, I had no idea
they had courts here.
Yeah, they don't have tennis courts.
They have pickleball courts.
Wait, pickleball?
Yeah, it's like tiny tennis. [CHUCKLES]
I know what pickleball
is, but I thought we were
playing tennis; that's why I agreed.
- OK, don't be mad at me.
- Oh, God.
But this is our general
with Winnie Landell.
What? Kayla, what the hell?
I thought you were
scheduling that for next week.
I'm sorry, man.
I can't be perfect, OK? I
tried to get us the meeting.
Her next opening's not
for, like, eight months.
But her second assistant
Avi, who I made out with
seven years ago really bad kisser
said she's obsessed with pickleball
and she has a standing
reservation on this court.
So you're welcome.
Kayla, what do you expect me to do here?
You want me to just
walk up to her randomly,
wearing mesh shorts, and pitch
Deborah to host late night?
No, I want you to get
into a game with her,
you know, impress her with your skills.
Maybe you earn her respect,
and then you seal the
fucking deal, baby!
OK, shh, we're at an
expensive country club.
It's not illegal to yell.
I don't know how to play pickleball.
And this plan is insanity, girl.
You're an amazing tennis guy.
You could probably pick up any sport.
- You could probably bowl.
- What
[SIGHS] Come on.
I got us these cute little paddles.
It's kind of kinky.
Come on, stretch me out.
[SIGHS] My God.
♪
Let's see.
That, that
[KNOCKING]
Hi.
While you're gone, I will
be turning the heat up to 68
'cause I've started shivering so hard,
my arm hair is getting thicker.
I need the thermostat passcode.
No, no, a room should
be the same temperature
as a white wine fridge.
Keeps your metabolism on its toes.
So what do you think, this or this?
I mean, which is better for
a colonoscopy prep party?
I don't know. Is it
too sparkly? I just
I don't know, maybe I'll just
- should go with what I have on.
- [LAUGHS]
I'm so shocked that you care this much.
Oh, you don't understand.
I've always idolized them.
When I was first starting in
stand-up, they were the guys.
- OK, but weren't you, like, the girl?
- Oh, no, no.
I mean, I could fill seats, you know,
but they thought it was
because of my sitcom, you know,
or the fire.
I was never seen as
legit by guys like them.
And now they want you to
clean out your colon with them.
Dreams really do come true.
- I know!
- [LAUGHS]
Isn't it fantastic?
Can I just get a blanket?
♪
Yeah. Yeah, well, she can go
they can go to hell for all I care.
OK, bye-bye.
Hey, hey, hey. This is our court.
Oh, Johnny?
Jimmy LuSaque, Jr. We met at JFL.
You told me you had sex with my dad.
Oh, right. This is our court.
Oh, I must have accidentally booked this
for Tuesday instead of Thursday.
This always happens you
put a T down in the calendar,
and you're like, was that
for Tuesday or Thursday?
- Does that ever happen to you?
- No.
Honestly, I have the same
problem with trying to r
Damn it, this sucks, 'cause, you know,
Jimmy here was gonna
help me with my technique.
He's really amazing.
He's really, really good.
Really? You don't really
have a pickleball body.
He's got a pickleball body.
- It's in his bones.
- [CLEARS THROAT]
[CHUCKLES] He's a tennis star.
You know, my dad hired him
to give me lessons one summer,
and it's probably one of the
best memories of my childhood.
- It was?
- Mm-hmm.
- You're that good?
- Yeah, he played tennis at Brown.
I did.
Well, maybe we should play doubles.
I love a little competition,
but I hate people who waste my time.
Peter Thiel? Like
playing with Helen Keller
without the star power.
Wow, well, I'm certainly
better than that.
She was blind, deaf, and mute.
Jimmy.
By the way, I'm Beth.
I work with Winnie.
We play for money. What do you say?
Grand a game?
- Holy hell, OK.
- Wow.
- Sure, yeah, absolutely.
- Great.
It's just money, and we got it.
Sure thing. I like it.
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- That sounds good to me.
Google the rules. Google the rules.
♪
- Hey.
- This is Ava.
- Hey, nice to meet you guys.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hey!
Thank God you got us a white.
What? Oh, yeah. I'm
a white person, yeah.
We got a strong team, but
we have some blind spots.
- Mm-hmm.
- Last week, we lost
on a question about natural wine.
Oh, I love natural wine.
[MOCKINGLY] Oh, I love natural wine.
We gon' mop the floor
with these motherfuckers.
[LAUGHTER]
[MUFFLED LAUGHTER, CHATTER]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[BRIGHT MUSIC]
♪
- Ho-ho!
- Henry!
Well, if it isn't our
very own "It Girl."
Oh, I like that.
Ah, Terry, Cliff, hi!
Aw, good to see you, Deb.
- Oh, my God, you too.
- You look fantastic.
Thank you.
Now, are you ready for
my famous laxa-tini?
- Oh, boy.
- You might be used to vodka,
but tonight you're getting
magnesium sulfate straight up.
- Shaken, not stirred, I hope.
- [LAUGHS]
May I take your bag,
Miss Special of the Year?
- Oh, thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Her bag, my jokes
you take everything.
All right, let it go, Cliff.
There are six bathrooms.
But if you can't make it,
there's a really ugly vase
on the kitchen counter.
- No, it's deep.
- [LAUGHS]
- It'll work.
- [LAUGHING] Oh, my.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
Mine.
Beth.
Mine!
[ALL GRUNTING]
Mine!
- Oh, my God.
- Boom goes the dynamite.
- How's my ass taste?
- That's
$10 grand, you beta fuck.
I'm sorry. I get very competitive.
- But it is $10 grand.
- [EXHALES HEAVILY]
We have to go.
We don't have that kind of money.
- Double or nothing?
- [SCOFFS]
Oh, look who grew some foreskin.
I like it. Let's go.
Oh, my God, help us all.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
♪
Hello!
- Wh
- Oh, shit. Ray?
Oh, my God.
Dude!
King of the Palmetto front desk.
What's up, my man?
How are you?
So you're back in Vegas?
Just for a little. I live in LA.
I'm on hiatus from working on
that show "On The Contrary."
Oh, yeah. That show used to be funny.
Thanks. [CHUCKLES]
Are you here for trivia?
Am I here for trivia?
Yeah, I'm a legend around these parts.
My team Quiz Khalifa was disbanded
'cause we won too much,
so now I'm with O'trivia Newton-John.
Oh, that's cool.
Yeah, it's my first time.
My friend Marcus invited me.
Wait, you're here with SWA?
SWA?
Yeah, Sisters with Answers.
I hate them. We hate them.
Marcus, are you wearing
an Apple Watch, dude?
Raymond, it is on airplane mode.
OK, you know the rules, though:
no smartwatches, no smartphones.
You know, you can rattle off
about the rules all you want to.
You still don't know the
capital of South Dakota.
- Bismarck?
- Is it?
It i
oh, fuck, that's North Dakota.
- Shit.
- Jesus Christ. [CHUCKLES]
- All right, see you on the ice.
- Hello!
You know, I work in
customer service too,
and this is dog shit.
- [LAUGHTER]
- You did not!
- I did.
- No, you did not!
- Did it backwards.
- Backwards!
[VOCALIZING]
- Oh!
- Oh!
[VOCALIZING]
Oh, boy.
You are gonna hate this.
[ALL GROANING]
To talking shit and to making it too.
Down one hatch and out another.
Ugh.
- Oh, God!
- [ALL GROANING]
I can't believe you
did 40 dates last year.
I got to give you a lot of
credit. I couldn't do that now.
Oh, don't sell yourself short, Terry.
You couldn't sell out that many venues
when you were young either.
- [LAUGHTER]
- All right, all right.
Had I known that you
were going to roast Terry,
I would have invited you years ago.
[LAUGHTER]
Deborah, I saw you on late night.
You were fantastic.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah, I heard that Danby kid's
probably gonna be the next host.
I don't get him. I mean, how old is he?
I mean, not even 40, lucky fuck.
He's fine, but he never would
have made it back in the day.
- Mm-mm, mm-mm.
- No, no.
Eh, he's not that good.
If they wanted to hire somebody unfunny,
they could hire him.
Hey, hey, hey!
I was just nice to you.
OK, OK. You have to pay the price.
- No, no, no, no!
- Come on. Come on.
- Ah, God!
- Ah!
Oh, my God.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
The answer to question
number five is Kylie Minogue.
- Yes, baby!
- [PHONE CHIMES]
Question six was Juneau, Alaska.
Killing it! Killing it.
- Whoo-hoo!
- Yes.
And the answer to question
seven was the film "Frances Ha."
- Yes!
- Good girl.
I'm a Baumbach-head, dude.
Know his whole oeuvre.
The leaders are still Sisters
with Answers with 30 points
- [ALL CHEERING]
- That's right.
Followed by O'trivia Newton-John
- with 29 points
- Fuck you, bitch.
- [BLOWS RASPBERRY]
- [PHONE CHIMES]
And the Corn Cob Boys with 25 points.
So round five is gonna
be a sports round.
Wait, violation. Phone violation.
Ava Daniels on SWA, she's
using her phone to cheat.
- No.
- OK, OK, she's new.
No, she was warned.
- I warned her.
- OK, everybody calm down.
All right, so, SWA,
you were on your phone.
That's gonna be a five-point penalty.
- Oh!
- I'm sorry.
I'm still connected to the Ring cam
at my girlfriend's house,
and she's having a party.
People keep buzzing the door.
I'm just letting them in.
- Girl.
- Ava?
Oh, shit.
- Hi.
- Wow.
- Are you kidding me?
- OK, I'm going outside.
Jesus.
What the fuck, Ava?
Why are you letting
people into my house?
It kept buzzing on my phone.
And I could say that you not creating
a party protocol that didn't involve
the Ring cam is disrespectful to me.
Have you been spying on me
through our camera?
No, I have been here living
my life, having a phone.
And occasionally did
I check to make sure
you didn't leave the palo santo
burning? Yes, it's possible.
Oh, my God.
OK. Jesus, I'm sorry.
I'll delete it, but it's
just gonna be annoying
to re-log in when I get home.
I don't think you're
gonna be re-logging in.
What do you mean I'm not gonna re-log in
to our doorbell app?
I just think this space has felt
really right for me.
And I'm just not sure
I'm sure. I'm very sure.
I want to be with you.
Then be with me.
Come to Iceland.
I [SIGHS]
We're just it's
There's my answer.
[SOMBER MUSIC]
I think this is over.
[SCOFFS] No. Ruby
Bye, Ava.
♪
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
[SIGHS] Great shot.
Don't say that.
Why would you say that?
[GRUNTING]
- Oh.
- You got to come up on those.
- I beg your pardon?
- You got to come up on those.
Oh, my God.
Mine!
- [COUGHS]
- Yes!
- Yeah!
- BOTH: Whoo!
You got to come up on those.
There we go. Boom!
Oh, Jesus. Ow.
Oh, you didn't like that, huh?
Match point for you guys.
We know, Beth.
Jesus fuck!
This is exactly why I divorced your ass.
I know. God.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Hey, what's going on? You OK?
Jimmy, I feel like I'm really scared.
My back's, like, tensing up.
You know I'm the weakest link.
I feel like I'm gonna mess this up.
Hey, you got a great serve.
All you have to do is
get it over the net.
And if it comes to you, dink it.
OK. Dink it.
Dink it, and I'll take
care of the rest, OK?
- OK.
- All right, you got this.
- OK. [CHUCKLES]
- OK.
Thanks.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
♪
[GRUNTS]
♪
[GRUNTS]
- [GRUNTS]
- Beth.
[GRUNTS]
- Nice dink!
- Mine!
♪
- [GRUNTS] Yeah!
- Yes!
- How's my ass taste?
- Whoo!
Motherfucker!
- Yes! We won nothing.
- That was amazing.
God, what is wrong with you?
- Good game.
- Ugh.
That is the best match we've had
in months, right, Beth?
- I guess.
- You're good, LuSaque.
You're at Latitude, right?
I actually left to start my own firm.
- Deborah Vance came with us.
- Ah, she's funny.
Good for you. She's having a moment.
Yeah, a moment I think you
could be taking advantage of.
I know you need a new host for 11:30,
and she'd be amazing.
- She rocks.
- I mean, she's funny
but old-school in the perfect way.
- She can talk to anybody and
- Hey, you don't have to sell me on Deborah.
I love her. I loved her guest spot.
But I need someone with
how can I put this staying power.
You said yourself in your
interview in "Variety"
I read it, loved it
that late night's on the decline
and you need to shake it up.
Well, Deborah's a really noisy choice.
She's certainly unexpected.
But a 70-year-old woman is a tough sell.
Well, not to your audience.
I mean, the majority of
people watching are over 30.
You put someone like Jack
Danby behind that desk,
kids aren't getting off
TikTok to watch him.
My mom doesn't know who he is.
But Deborah sold 4 million
physical DVDs last year.
I mean, she's the queen
of people who can't
- figure out their internet.
- [LAUGHS]
With her, you keep
the audience you have.
Plus, you're doing something
that's never been done before.
Jimmy, it's a good pitch,
but I just don't think she's it.
But I'm gonna think about it.
You want to play tomorrow morning?
- Like, in ten hours?
- Yeah.
- See you there, sister.
- You reserve. See you at 7:00.
Bye.
We can't reserve a court
if we're nonmembers.
Ugh, how much does it cost to join?
$20 grand a year apiece.
It'd be less if we were married.
- How much less?
- OK, I hear you loud and clear.
- No, I just want to know
- No, no.
It's something you want to consider.
- That's fine.
- We have to join now
- is my consideration.
- OK, yeah.
Let's talk about it.
This is the last question.
We could win this.
Which Ventura, California, swing
band are known for their song
"You, Me, and the Bottle Make Three"?
[TEARFULLY] The Big Bad Voodoo Daddies.
Are you OK?
No.
And the answer to the final question
is Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, singular.
Big Bad Voodoo Daddies
will not be accepted.
Yes!
And that means the winner
is O'trivia Newton-John.
- [CHEERING]
- [SOBBING]
That's good, Sisters
with Not Enough Answers.
It's OK. It's just bar trivia.
I'm so stupid.
- It's OK. Here.
- Here, drink.
Do they have food here? both: No.
[SOBS]
Yes, I fly to Miami next week.
You know, the one thing I do love
about getting old: boarding early.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
In the time it takes for them to say,
"Does anyone need any assistance?"
I can go from Usain
Bolt to Stephen Hawking.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, shame on all of
you, flying commercial
when you have the means to fly private.
- [LAUGHTER]
- OK, get this.
We're having Thanksgiving
at my daughter's this year.
And last night, she called
me to give me a heads-up
that my 15-year-old
granddaughter is bisexual now.
- Oh, no.
- Come on.
Do they even know what
boys and girls are?
She showed me a picture
of her boyfriend.
I thought it was my second wife.
- [LAUGHTER]
- You know, I hate that shit.
Then they got the pansexual.
What, they fuck skillets?
- Pick a team. Pick a team.
- Yes. Yes.
[LAUGHTER]
Well, I mean, there are an elite few
who are attracted to both genders
or all genders.
- All genders?
- All 15?
Wait, wait, wait.
- A-L-L?
- Are you doing a bit?
No, no.
I'm just saying you
you can't say that all
bisexuals are faking it.
Oh, come on, Deb, we all
know most of the girls
are doing it these days 'cause
they want a little attention.
OK.
Is this a bit?
No.
You know, for comedians, you're all
a little out of touch.
Uno.
Excuse me. Nature calls.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[MUFFLED CHATTER]
[MUFFLED LAUGHTER]
So Deborah swings both ways, huh?
Between funny and unfunny.
[LAUGHTER]
Maybe she is one of those people.
Yeah, what a buzzkill.
Thanks for inviting
the PC police, Henry.
It's gonna be hard to do a colonoscopy
with that stick up her ass.
[LAUGHTER]
Shh, shh, shh.
[ARETHA FRANKLIN'S "EVIL GAL BLUES"]
♪
I'm an evil gal ♪
Don't you bother with me, no ♪
I said I'm an evil gal ♪
[METALLIC CLANGING]
Don't even think about
taking that to your room.
Eat it over the sink
like you normally do.
I'm depressed, and I
don't want to talk to you,
so I'm leaving.
Well, too bad.
I'm not talking to you either.
You ruined my poop party!
What? What did I do?
Also, why are you housing
cheese like a fucking mouse?
- It's binding!
- Not for me!
You know, I finally get
in good with those guys,
and I can't enjoy it because of you.
You got in my head.
They said some crap about bisexuals,
and I couldn't let it go.
I don't understand. So you defended me?
Not you.
Other bisexuals.
Alan Cumming and Malcolm X.
You know, I had to say something,
and then it got really uncomfortable,
and I didn't want to stay.
And it's all because of you!
Well, sorry I changed
your mind about bisexuals.
I mean, before you, I
was perfectly content
being a gorgeous Vegas
comic, doing my thing,
making tons of money.
And then you come along,
and you make me want more for myself.
And it's just fucking annoying!
OK, so you're mad at me for
pushing you to be better?
Yes. No.
I don't know. I don't know.
It's just, a few years
ago, I could not have dreamt
that I would walk out of a party
where Henry Weeks was
saying how great I was,
and that's what I did tonight.
And I'm just mad at you!
Well, I'm mad at you.
Where are you going?
Ugh.
The bathroom!
Are you is there
a bathroom right there?
[DOOR SLAMS] I've been walking
all the way to the east
wing this whole time.
Oh, my God.
You know, I'm sorry you
had to leave a party.
But I just lost a relationship
with someone I love
to be here.
And I'm gonna lose
all our mutual friends.
And our facialist is
for sure gonna choose her
'cause she said Ruby's face
was "less work" on a text
that I saw over her shoulder.
[SIGHS] And that sucks.
And it's all because I came back here.
[TOILET FLUSHES]
Well, you didn't have to come back!
- [WATER RUNNING]
- Yes, I did.
Because I wanted to.
I wanted to be here with
you 'cause you're in my head.
Yeah, well, I'm sorry, I guess.
I don't know what to tell you.
[SCOFFS] I don't know either.
All I know is, we better get this thing,
'cause it comes at great personal cost
to repair the trauma
of your pilot not going
during the Carter administration.
That's not why I want it.
I've wanted it since I was a kid.
You have?
Yes.
Well, cool your parents
let you stay up that late.
My mom wouldn't let
me watch "Ren & Stimpy"
'cause of all the close-ups of zits.
Yeah, well,
you know, my house
wasn't real big on rules.
My dad was a drinker.
The later it got, the worse it got.
Except when Johnny Carson came on.
He was funny enough
that he'd distract him,
and he'd laugh.
And we'd all laugh.
It was
I don't know, it was nice.
So all I ever wanted was to,
you know, live in that hour.
You never talk about your parents.
Well, it makes you sound old
- when you say your parents are dead.
- [CHUCKLES]
Why don't you just come
out and say why you want it?
I think if people knew how
personal this is for you,
that would be really compelling.
Oh, God, no, I can't even say I want it,
let alone all that other stuff.
OK, sure, but I think
you can say what you want.
You've never played by the rules.
And I don't think you have
the luxury of playing this safe
'cause you're not the safe choice.
Can't risk it.
You're all about risk.
You self-financed your
special and sold it on QVC.
That was before.
I've got all these eyes on me now.
I'm finally respected, respectable.
If I say I want it
and then I don't get it
for the second time,
then I'll be a joke again.
And that would just be too much.
Would it?
I mean, who are you worried
about being a joke to?
The guys whose respect you wanted
most of all, you just rejected.
Deborah, your superpower
is that you're shameless.
And having shame about the thing
you want most in the world
isn't you.
You think that's a terrible idea.
- No, the cheese isn't working.
- [LAUGHS]
[UPBEAT MARCHING BAND MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
All right, well, next up
is the Sulfur Springs
High School marching band.
Careful, kids, those
New York City potholes
- can be a doozy.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
Well, not to steal their thunder, Mario,
but can I make an announcement
here on live television?
Thanks.
America, I am ready to be the
next woman on network late night.
That's right.
I want to be the next
host of "The Late Show."
I may be a woman and I
may be a natural blonde,
but I am the best person for the job.
I'm funny. I'm vivacious.
And I'm the only person who can get away
with asking a man, "Cut or uncut?"
Mario?
Uncut.
Thought so.
OK.
And how about that cymbal section?
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
Yeah, why don't we take
a quick commercial break?
[DOLLY PARTON'S "BABY I'M BURNIN'"]
- Did you see this?
- What?
Deborah Vance went rogue on live TV
and announced she's
gunning to be the next woman
in network late night.
- That was bold of her.
- I loved it.
Good for her.
I don't like her for it. Come on.
Joy, you got to get over the beef.
- Never.
- Oh, my God.
- Joy.
- What?
You're unbelievable.
Well, like it or not,
she's on the campaign trail.
So watch out, America.
She's coming for you.
You look at me that way ♪
I know what your eyes say ♪
Temps will fall across
Indianapolis late tonight.
Speaking of late night,
wouldn't you like
a charming gal like me on
your TV set every night
to keep you warm and toasty?
Oh, a Deborah burger is
very interesting to us.
Yo, can I get a Deborah's
Dunkin' Midnight Roast?
Welcome to Las Vegas, baby.
Remember, what happens here stays here,
unless it's crabs.
Fuck yes.
Deb's in. Whoo! Rock and roll!
Hot as a pistol of flaming desire ♪
In 20 feet, you will be
arriving at your destination.
What a dump!
Rinka turkey nurbler da
woo-hoo with a chum-cha!
- Ooh be gah!
- [LAUGHTER]
I have been bugging
my manager for years.
The only thing I've wanted
more than late night
is to be on "Talk Stoop."
- Right, Cara?
- [DOG BARKS]
Hot as a pistol of flaming desire ♪
[TIRES SCREECHING]
- [PHONE CHIMING]
- [GROANS]
[YAWNS]
OK, hold on.
You got to hear this.
Hi, it's Winnie.
So this morning, I walked in on my son
doing a Deborah Vance makeup tutorial.
She might have wider
appeal than I thought.
We should talk. Call me back.
OK!
- [ALL CHEERING]
- Yay! Oh, my God!
God, of course her kid was the key.
Executives love listening to their kids.
I was actually at the sleepover
where we decided that Tobey Maguire
would be the next Spider-Man.
[LAUGHTER]
- [ALL CHEERING]
- Oh, my God!
This is huge.
♪
Baby, I'm burnin' out of control ♪
Baby, I'm burnin', body and soul ♪
Hot as a pistol of flaming desire ♪
Baby, I'm burnin',
you got me on fire ♪
Baby, I'm burnin' ♪
Baby, I'm burnin' ♪
Baby, I'm burnin' ♪
Baby, I'm burnin' ♪
Baby, I'm burnin' out of control ♪
Baby, I'm burnin', body and soul ♪
Hot as a pistol of flaming desire ♪
Baby, I'm burnin',
you got me on fire ♪
Baby, I'm burnin' out of control ♪
Baby, I'm burnin', body and soul ♪
Hot as a pistol of flaming desire ♪
Baby, I'm burnin',
you got me on fire ♪
Baby, I'm burnin' out of control ♪
Baby, I'm burnin', body and soul ♪
Hot as a pistol of flaming desire ♪
Baby, I'm burnin',
you got me on fire ♪
Baby, I'm burnin' out of control ♪
Baby, I'm burnin', body and soul ♪
Hot as a pistol of flaming desire ♪
Baby, I'm burnin',
you got me on fire ♪