Hamish Macbeth (1995) s01e06 Episode Script

A Bit of an Epic

(Laughter and Highland music)
(Glass smashing)
- (Wee Jock barks)
- Barney!
- Hamish.
- All right, Barney.
- John.
- Barney.
(Glass smashing)
Aye. Jimmy.
Oh, Hamish, the man asked for it.
I know, I know, I know. C'mere.
- (Shouting and banging)
- What are you doing?
You never know.
You might need a hand.
(Shouting and glass smashing)
John. Yours.
Scott, no, don't! No, Scott!
Scott! Scott!
Get off my truck.
Don't tell me. Tell Hamish.
What is it with you people?
All my stuff!
I'm a paying guest.
Chris Bonington here's lost his kit. Aw.
I'll get you!
- That's not necessary, Officer.
- We'll tell you what's necessary.
(Hamish) Any reason
why I shouldn't arrest you?
I have to get a proper night's rest
in order to lead a party of hikers
- God save them if he's in charge.
- (Hamish) Shut it.
- Barney, any damage?
- A couple of glasses.
- You see which one started it?
- No.
(Hamish) Comfy?
Evening, Constable. Colonel Maxwell,
Executive Expeditions.
Do you mind if I have a word?
- Go ahead.
- You'd let him speak to the prisoner?
- John, I'm the police, OK?
- I'm going to have to let you go.
For God's sake, you're not firing me.
Look at you. You're drunk and disorderly
the night before an expedition.
I can't jeopardise tomorrow's trip
and I won't compromise my business.
But he just came at me. Don
One has a responsibility to one's clients.
Oh, for
I'm sorry.
- Thank you, Constable. He's all yours.
- OK.
- Drink, Hamish?
- Aye, why not?
Well, I suggest you two, er
I don't know, just cool off a wee bit, eh?
- What?
- Any chance of going home, Hamish?
Oh, no.
- All right, Isobel?
- Morning, Hamish.
- You're all dressed up?
- I'm doing a piece on Don Maxwell.
You know, the outward bound man.
Oh. Met him last night.
- I'm off out with his party today.
- Mm-hm.
- Could be one for the Scotsman, this.
- Very good.
Right, that should see me through.
Oh, hey, have you tried these?
Er, they're new. You could
maybe get a couple in your pocket.
Yes. Why not indeed.
Er that's £6.20, please.
And, er where are you off to?
Over the hills and far away.
Still, home tomorrow.
- See you, then.
- Bye.
Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, Jenny?
Yes, Colonel. Looking forward to it.
Map, compass, layers of clothing
- Torch?
- Yes, and spare battery.
Reflective patches, first-aid kit.
Good. All present and correct.
- Morning, Mike.
- Good morning for it, Colonel.
Yes. How do you fancy being
my back-up man when we get to the top?
Ah. What about Paul?
Just so you all know, Paul's no longer
with us. Parting of the ways.
Mike here is going to be
our acting second in command.
- Morning, George.
- Morning. Sorry.
I see you took my advice
about the extra glucose.
Ah. Ladies and gentlemen,
this is Miss Isobel Sutherland
of the Lochdubh And District Listener.
This is my party from ABK International.
This is Mike Beardsall.
Jenny Carpenter.
- Er, Helen
- Wadlow.
Wadlow. Mark Glasson.
Oh and er Mr Standish.
- George.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Miss Sutherland is writing an article,
which may appear
in the national press, so be careful.
Anything we say may be taken down
and used in evidence against us.
Including that.
Here's our route description.
- Welcome to the group.
- Thank you.
- Constable.
- Colonel.
Coming too? Fancy a quick trip up
Ben Drach and back?
I don't think so. I've been up there
a few times already.
I could use a man who knows
what he's doing after last night's fiasco.
Well, it's tempting but the only mountain
I'll be seeing today is paperwork.
Paperwork? Rather than Ben Drach?
I underestimated you, Constable.
Mike, do you want to lead us off?
(Isobel) Bye.
- You all right, George?
- Yeah.
You know those inhalers can ruin
your nasal membranes, don't you?
There's more than we thought, Hamish.
I found these behind the cabinet.
- So it's Jenny, is it?
- Yes, Jenny Carpenter.
- What do you do with ABK?
- I'm marketing manager.
That sounds good.
It's the lowest rung on the managerial
ladder but I think the next one's in sight.
Come on, you know it is. Your figures
are better than the rest of marketing.
- And you're Mike?
- Mike Beardsall.
Pleased to meet you.
Do you two work together?
Work together? We love each other.
I think it might be a bit one-way this love.
Yeah, it's the lowest rung on the ladder
of love but I think the next one's in sight.
We were assigned from different
departments to a new project.
This is like, you know, an exercise
to get us working together as a group.
Hello, Mr Standish.
Ah, George, please. I'm not so past it
you have to call me by my surname.
I take it you're not so sure about all this.
No, I think it's great working in a group.
I just don't see the point of coming
all the way up here to
Don't be fooled by him, Isobel.
Beneath that feeble facade, there's
the coiled sexual power of a jungle cat.
Isn't there, George?
Could burst out at any moment.
He gives you any trouble, you tell me.
- Oh.
- Hello.
I'm Mark. I'm in charge of our databasing
and information retrieval systems.
Oh, that sounds
That sounds interesting.
Well, not as interesting as it sounds,
in point of fact. People don't realise.
OK. So this is the foot of Ben Drach.
As you see it's a gentle incline from here,
so we'll take it at a good brisk pace.
There'll be stops on the way
and we should have an excellent view
of McKenzie's Point to look forward to.
This naming
These mountains have been here
for hundreds of thousands of years
and we decide some guy
I mean, how do we know this McKenzie
was the first person to climb it?
(Hamish) He wasn't.
He fell off.
Don't mind if I tag along, do you?
Seems our village bobby knows
which side his bread's buttered.
- You don't like him?
- Oh, no. No. I like him.
I'm just not sure he'd recognise
buttered bread if it came up and bit him.
- Malkie!
- Welcome home.
Thank you.
Oh, it's good to be back, Malkie.
We're always pleased
to see you, Miss Alexandra.
That's nice to know.
It's just a bit sore.
Yes. Well you'll be all right.
Boot back on otherwise
you may get some swelling, OK, Helen?
Remember what we say?
The day you give in to your body
- That's the day you die.
- Good girl.
So what is it you sell, your company?
TVs, computers, anything you can
pile high and sell cheap.
It's all tosh but the money
to be made's obscene.
Life up here must seem a wee bit
I don't know low-powered.
No, I love it here.
I get quite turned on by it, to be honest.
- Really?
- Yeah.
All these peaks and points
and pinnacles.
Bit suggestive on the old imagery front.
(Colonel) OK. Let's be on our way.
On your feet.
- Come on, George.
- Don't allow blisters to get in our way.
It's only pain.
- Say something, Dad.
- Oh. It goes without saying. I'm
I'm very pleased for you.
Have you thought it
I suppose you've thought it through.
Well, it means I can be here for a start,
stop you going off the rails.
Obviously it's not a fait accompli.
What about your, er your writing?
Well, I can write from here, can't I?
I thought you needed to be in London.
You make it sound as
if you don't want me home.
Come here.
Do you know what this place
is like without you in it? Mm?
You have to remember these are people
who spend 100% of their working lives
cooped up in offices, chained to desks,
ruining their eyes on computer screens.
What I say to our clients, and we have
many letters from them confirming this,
is that a course
with Executive Expeditions
is about knowing your true self.
The more you venture out into nature,
the deeper you see into yourself.
Every life is a journey
and the reward for the outward bound
is in a discovery
- Help! Help!
- George!
- Help! Get me out of here!
- Hold on, George.
Come on, quick
Oh, bloody hell, come on, quick.
For God's sake, I told you to walk round.
- It looked more direct this way!
- Here, grab this.
- Come on, grip it. Come on.
- Bloody hell, I can't!
I can't! (Sobs)
Get bogged down there, George?
(Mike) Bunged up on the nose front
and bogged down on the mud front!
George, you've got a mark.
(Chuckles) There's mud in your eye.
Can we just remember,
the point of this exercise is
to get you playing together as a team.
We're not all sat at our separate desks
now. This is a joint effort.
Step out of line, you risk your own neck
and potentially everyone else's.
I won't allow that, OK?
On we go. Round the bog, please.
- You OK, George?
- Yes, mate.
Of course we all know
why it's to be a team effort.
If you haven't got a team,
you can't be a leader. Team effort
You know what we are? We're just
spectators on this guy's private ego trip.
All right, I'm sorry!
I should have listened, all right?
Thank you.
- Tell him I'm sorry they're a wee bit late.
- Will do. Bye.
- Morning, Doc.
- TV John.
Any problems today, Agnes?
- No, why?
- Just let me know if you do.
It occurs to me that in Hamish's absence,
the people of Lochdubh need
somebody they can turn to.
Why, where is he?
Och, he's away up Ben Drach
with some famous climber.
Colonel Maxwell. Staying with us.
One minute we were
clearing his paperwork,
the next he's off up the hills.
I sometimes think we need
more than one policeman in this place.
Everybody all right?
You're all doing very well. I can't vouch
for Miss Sutherland's verdict on you all
but my own reports will be very warm,
not least you two, well done.
- Thanks.
- Cheers, Don.
Well done, Helen.
Come on, Mark, keep it going.
Oh, George George, can I have a word?
Look, erm I'm sorry I had to make a bit
of an example of you earlier, George.
It's my mistake.
I'm sure in future you'd know not to trust
your inexperienced eye
over my judgment.
That's what I forgot
to write home about, your judgment.
You've dragged us
up here to prove what?
Truth is we could climb
every mountain in Scotland,
wouldn't make a bit of difference
to our ability to do our jobs.
That's just where
you're wrong, Standish.
Push yourself past what you thought
you were capable of
and you learn about yourself.
Fine. Fine. You try my job,
see how much you learn about yourself.
- I mean, this is nonsense, isn't it?
- George.
Cos that's the whole point. All right.
I can't run up a mountain
in my underwear! I'm not fit!
But I don't need to be.
I've got news for you, mate.
The world needs people like me a whole
lot more than it needs people like you.
Unless we're suddenly gonna
go back to the Stone Age,
I just don't see where you fit in.
I will not have my authority challenged.
All right?
All right.
As I was saying, we'll soon be
at the top of Ben Drach.
It's a wonderful view, weather permitting.
We'll all take a well-deserved break, OK?
There we are.
Er over there, that's Sgurr nan Gillean.
Young Man's Peak.
That's Poison Dwarf.
And that that's McKenzie's Point.
- It's fantastic.
- It's beautiful.
A view worth seeing.
With a bit of effort, eh? George.
(Don) Helen and Mark, come on!
- Are you all right?
- Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Come and see what
all this has been about.
It is a good view, you know?
Earth's very interesting from the moon
but why join the space programme?
That is not true, in point of fact.
You can only see the outline
of the continents.
- Look, it's no' my fault you're here.
- No, I'm sorry.
It's been a hell of a week, this course,
kicking myself for not telling
my boss where to get off.
I mean, there should come a point in life
where you stop having to prove yourself.
- I know.
- It's tough enough coming to terms
with what you are without
punishing yourself for what you're not.
And, er (Sniffs) the Great Wall of China,
of course.
Hey, George, you don't want to miss this.
The Young Man's Peak.
It'll bring back memories for you.
The old reminiscence front. You might
find it interesting as well, Mark,
in point of fact.
Listen to that. He's got
the whole world in his hands.
That was me, you know, 15 years ago.
There you are. An orange juice.
- Hello.
- Hello, Miss Alexandra, how are you?
I'm fine thanks. Is Hamish
Have you seen Hamish today?
- Why? Have you a problem?
- No. I just wanted to speak to him.
Oh. He's away up the mountains
with some famous climber.
Colonel Maxwell, staying with us.
Yes, hiking in the hills while the criminal
fraternity of Lochdubh runs amok.
Well, I'd better get their tea ready.
Won't be long till they're back.
What's that?
Oh, nothing.
An appointment I'm not going to keep.
We've made fantastic time.
Who's for McKenzie's Point?
Which one was McKenzie's?
That one.
(Timid laughter)
I'm serious. Come on. Let's give Miss
Sutherland something to write about.
It's a steep ascent but we've trained
for it, we're equipped for it
and there isn't one person here
who isn't capable of it. Mike?
- What do you say?
- Erm
Yeah, I'm game.
Good man. Jenny?
Er, yes, I suppose.
- Good girl.
- Is it hard?
- Nothing's hard but the right attitude.
- Erm
If I can just say, I was really hoping it
wouldn't be much further, with my feet.
(Chuckles) We've all got sore feet, Helen.
They'll be sore for a few days
whatever we do, the peak or not.
An experience like this stays
with you a lifetime. It is life. Trust me.
Everything else is just a pale imitation.
I think some of your party are a bit more
tired than they're letting on, Colonel.
Nonsense. Fatigue is a state of mind.
That's what this whole course is about.
It hits you and you push through it.
You push through it until your heart
is pumping pure adrenaline.
Well, I can't speak for everyone
but if you went up, I'd be there with you.
I've never gone any further than this so
so I would like to.
I think that's a majority for pressing on.
Now, yes. We're going to miss
our meal at the Lochdubh Hotel,
so I suggest we stop here
to eat something
and replenish our energy levels
and leave in what, 15 minutes?
Colonel, could we have a wee word?
Of course.
Listen, I hope you don't mind me
saying this but I think it's a bad idea.
Constable, I'm glad to have you
as an extra pair of experienced hands
but you're a guest on this trip.
Well, that's true enough
but Helen's feet are giving her trouble.
Mark's not fit and neither's George.
- You see them as having problems?
- Uh-huh.
Well, I see them as having opportunities
to discover what they're capable of.
And anyway, I'm not splitting the group.
I'm just pointing out that
some of your party aren't fit.
Well, thank you for that observation.
- Look, there's a short cut back down
- Why don't you take it, then?
Take the helpless
and the hopeless with you.
- (Esme) Ready?
- Er, I've just got to change.
What for? It's only the Lochdubh.
- You're right. I won't change.
- Good.
Erm we're not going in
together, are we?
Constable Macbeth has persuaded me
that some of you might want to go down.
There is a short route down
and you're welcome to take it with him.
I will take your decisions
into consideration
- when I write reports for your employer.
- I'm with Macbeth.
- Me too.
- If it weren't for my feet
No, I'll stay with the Colonel.
- Well, I cannae be responsible
- You're not responsible for me, Hamish!
This is my work!
Aye, OK.
Right, we're heading.
How long is it down, Hamish?
Oh, it's no' too far from here.
North Road into Lochdubh's that way.
- Can always cadge a lift from there.
- Sounds easy enough.
This is very good of you, Hamish.
I'm just sorry your trip went sour.
It went sour before
we even arrived in Lochdubh.
Ah, this week, it's been
an assault course he's had us on.
Amazing nobody's been injured.
I fear for that lot up there with him,
especially without Paul.
At least Paul would stop
Maxwell going over the edge.
Erm Hamish?
Got the map. Reading a map, we could
get down by ourselves, couldn't we?
Could you?
All right. See you later.
Hello, Barney.
- Rory.
- Could we see the menu, please?
- Will both of you be eating?
- Erm possibly.
70, please.
(Woman) ¿Habla usted español?
¿Habla usted español?
Do you speak Spanish?
Do you speak Spanish?
Sí. Yo hablo español.
Sí. Yo hablo español.
Yes, I can speak Spanish.
- Yes. I
- Lachie.
- Do you think they want a lift?
- No.
¿ Cómo se llama usted?
Of course they want a bloody lift!
- You said they didn't.
- I was being ironic, man.
We got lost.
Colonel, I've changed my mind,
if that's OK.
Thought you would.
You never know
whether you're coming or going.
- I thought you might need help.
- Yeah.
- What?
- What we need is enthusiasm!
You and that man Standish,
sneering at everything we're doing,
bringing our morale down!
I was glad when you left.
- Look, I just don't trust Maxwell.
- What are you doing here, then?
Look, Hamish, just go down! Get warm!
Get into your huddle
with TV John and your whisky!
And your dog!
Aye, cheers, Hamish.
- Bit sparky, isn't she?
- Who, Isobel?
Wouldn't mind giving her something to
write about on the extracurricular front.
- What did Mike say to you?
- Nothing.
- It's Isobel, isn't it?
- Look, I don't know.
Men are such pigs.
(Woman) What is your name?
(Lachie) What is
(Lachlan) Shut up!
(Barney hums)
- No, thank you.
- What?
The flowers, no thank you.
It's all right, they're free.
That's as may be but this is just
an ordinary meal, an everyday event,
so there's no need
for flowers. Thank you.
- What did you do that for?
- Esme, this is not
- This is a bit premature.
- It's nothing of the kind.
Tongues will be wagging.
- Let them.
- I've got my reputation to think of.
- Alex.
- Esme.
- How are you? Rory.
- Alexandra.
Very well. Are you up for long?
A while actually. A wee while.
- That's good. Still doing your writing?
- Yes but I thought might do it from here.
Well, your dad will be pleased.
Hope so. London's great but I realise
I can get everything I want in Lochdubh.
And more.
So gone public, then.
- Good for you.
- In what way?
Rory Actually, this is
our first time out alone together.
Oh, sorry.
How exciting. Leave you to it.
You've done this before, haven't you?
A few times.
How is it, you know,
on the toughness front?
- It's tough.
- Not plunging to our deaths tough?
I doubt it.
- You know he fancies you, don't you?
- Who?
Oh, come on. "If you ever want
a job down south"
- Mike?
- I know what he likes.
His eyes wander.
His beautiful eyes.
- Jenny, you should say something.
- I know, but
I open my mouth and
Oh, I don't know. It comes out wrong.
You know?
See? I told you everything would be fine.
Champagne, Esme?
- No.
- Yes.
Barney, a bottle of champagne
for Esme and myself.
All right.
Is that the ordinary event or the special
occasion champagne you're after?
(Lachlan) Come on.
The Doc will see you.
Me llamo Lachie Junior.
- What happened to you?
- I found them up on the North Road.
I nearly drove right past them.
This one se llama Helen.
Helen, he se llamo Doc.
- Doc Brown.
- That's enough of the Spanish, Lachie.
She's, er She's exhausted and I think
her feet are in a really bad way.
- Where's Colonel Maxwell?
- He hasn't gone out walking?
- He's leading the party.
- Has he got those tablets I gave you?
- He hasn't been back all day.
- Where is he now?
Well, we got to the top of Ben Drach
and then, er some of them went
on up McKenzie's McKenzie, is it?
McKenzie's? They'll be lucky
to get back tonight.
John, I think we do have a problem.
Un problemo.
Now, I won't pretend this is easy.
Once we're past it, it's plain sailing
to the peak and the views of a lifetime.
So if we rope up and take it easy,
it'll be absolutely no problem.
Hello, Johnny. TV John here.
Lochdubh Police.
Listen, we need Mountain Rescue.
John McIver here.
Lochdubh Police. Listen,
we need to scramble MRT.
OK, dial the number.
Hello, Johnny. John McIver here,
Lochdubh Police.
Listen, we need
to scramble MRT down here.
We'll need a Land Rover.
Yes, we've a sick man leading
a party of climbers up McKenzie's.
We'll need a chopper down
to Lochdubh for the Doc.
Yes. Aye, there's a few volunteers
our end, leaving now.
Right. Thanks, Johnny.
- I'm not sure I can do this.
- Deep breaths, Jenny.
Don't look down.
What do you tell your children?
OK, yup.
Good girl.
- This is terrible.
- Aye, terrible it is, right enough.
What's a man with angina doing
leading a group of climbers?
Ah, well, you see, I would have gone up
to help but I'm busy learning Spanish.
And you don't know left from right.
No, no, I have to learn Spanish because
Dad and me are going Pan-European.
These Spaniards are fair
crying out for our lobster.
Local market's not what it was.
I'm back. I came back.
I came all this way and after all this
when I've finally made up my mind
what if something happened to Hamish?
It's so ironic.
What is this ironic?
Argh! Don!
Take your time.
Deep breaths.
I think we should just take a rest there.
30 seconds to steel our nerves.
Everybody happy with 30 seconds?
I can't do it.
Don't lose your nerve now.
You'll never forgive yourself.
Fear is natural but don't give in to it.
That's what this is about, conquering it.
- Colonel, I think we should turn back.
- Constable, that's enough.
You undermine this expedition.
I will not tolerate it.
You're risking lives here!
I won't tolerate that!
I'm in charge here!
I don't think so.
I'm a police officer, remember?
Hah! Law. You haven't
understood a thing, have you?
Up here is about escaping the petty laws
of man, the niceties of society.
Up here is where you strip away all that
and find out what people are made of!
"How fearful and dizzy 'tis
to cast one's eye so low"
Don, are you all right?
"There is a tide in the affairs of men,
"Which taken at the flood
leads on to fortune;
"Omitted, all the voyage of their life
Is bound in shallows and in miseries.
"On such a full sea are we now afloat;
"And we must take the current
when it serves, Or lose our ventures."
- (Bleeping)
- Damn!
(Screams) Mike! Mike!
(Mike) Christ, no! Christ, no!
Nothing supporting within range.
Help! Jenny! She's getting crushed!
- Isobel, are you all right?
- Yes. Hamish, I'm sorry.
Let's try and take the weight off Jenny.
Try and take the weight off her!
(All shout)
Hold on!
Jenny! It's all right!
(Isobel) Hamish, be careful!
Come on!
- Hold on!
- (Isobel) Hamish!
Just hold on!
You're risking the whole group.
- Jenny, come on!
- I can't hold her!
Come on! Hurry up!
- What are you doing?
- One has a responsibility to his clients.
She's going!
Hamish, we're losing her!
- Hamish, hurry up!
- Hamish, cut it!
Cut it, Hamish! You have no choice.
Day you give into your body, Hamish.
That's the day you die.
Hamish, she's unconscious!
Come on, cut!
(Mike) Is she all right?
(Jenny coughs)
If she's injured, I hope
you can live with yourself.
- What do you mean?
- She's only here because of you!
- Me?
- Don't pretend you didn't know!
I don't want to hear it!
Jenny Jenny
Hamish, hurry up.
- Let go!
- No, come on!
- Isobel, let go!
- No!
If you go, Hamish, I'm coming with you!
I love you, Hamish!
I thought you might need a hand.
(Helicopter throbbing)
(Mike) I'm sorry, Jenny.
Not too long now.
I knew I knew there was something.
I knew there was something
I couldn't figure out
Hamish, you did what you could.
Nobody wanted to listen.
- A man died.
- I know. I know.
But it could have been
a lot worse without you.
The others who went down,
they could all have gone
You've got some story now, eh?
The Scotsman.
But I can't give them
"Policeman cuts climber's rope", can I?
What are you talking about?
I had to do it. I didnae have any choice.
It was either him or Jenny,
or the whole mob. I had to.
I know but you know
what the press are like.
Journalists they'd
have you for breakfast.
- But you're a journalist.
- Mm-hm.
I'll have you for breakfast,
Hamish Macbeth.
What are you saying? Are you saying
you'd give up that for me?
You'd give up that story for me?
What was it Maxwell said? Erm
Up there's where you find out
what people are really made of.
He was right about you, Isobel.
(TV John) Look at that.
- Young love.
- Aye, she's a good girl, Isobel.
- Aye.
- Aye, it was just a matter of time.
How do you propose to someone?
- Erm
- If you wanted to marry them.
I don't know. I'll look it up.
All right, you two, we're here!
They're back! They're back!
- Welcome back, lad.
- Buenavidas al Hotel Lochdubh.
Welcome to the Lochdubh Hotel.
Thank you, boy.
Well, we're back most of us.
You're back.
I think you say, ¿Quiere usted casarme?
Will you marry me?
Drink, Isobel?
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