Hamish Macbeth (1995) s02e01 Episode Script

A Perfectly Simple Explanation

Look, Hamish, just go down, get warm,
get into your huddle with TV John
and your whisky and your dog.
- Isobel, let go!
- No!
If you go, Hamish, I'm coming with you.
I love you, Hamish.
Will you marry me?
What shall we do now, Malachi?
This paint is quick-drying
as well as non-drip.
We'll praise the Lord while we wait.
Two bits? You think so?
Aye, and maybe another sausage.
Whoa! The waistline, man.
Sure I can't tempt you
wi' something else?
Maybe just a smidgen of chutney
if there's any going.
No going. Coming. Lachlan's bringing
a batch of his home-made.
For Lachlan's home-made chutney,
I'd wait forever.
- Whoa! Alex, is that the red?
- No, just mineral water, Alex.
- What?
- Wine makes you lethargic, dearest.
Tired. Liable to fall asleep later on.
I'll get a mineral water.
- What have I told you?
- Check the oil.
Check the oil. And now look at us.
That's supposed to be served chilled.
- It's only chutney.
- Only chutney?!
That is my chutney. That is your entry
to every barbie in Lochdubh.
I'd like to think I was invited
for my personality, not your chutney.
A fine evening for a prayer meeting.
Mr McCrae.
You're welcome to join in if you'd like.
I don't think so, Bethsheba.
For soon were we
So, er what's he making you
wear all this stuff for?
To deter vanity, he says.
The only thing this deters is the babes.
Lachie, man, I'm at the height
of my sexual powers, just like you.
Sounds awful, right enough.
No babes, I mean.
I don't think I could handle that, Jubel.
Tell me about it. So you're seeing
some at the moment, then?
Oh, one or two irons in the fire, yeah.
Shouldn't that say Lochdubh,
Mr McBean?
My husband is going about
the Lord's work, Mr McCrae.
I thought the road signs
were the council's business.
I'll be reporting this, you know.
Come on, Lachie Jr.
We're just off to Hamish's barbie.
- What?
You would take your son into that house,
You would let your boy sup with Satan?
Satan? I didn't see any Satan
on the guest list.
- Did you, Lachie Jr?
- No. No Satan.
Get a life, McBean. Come on, son.
- It's going well, don't you think?
- Well, good wine, good company.
Brilliant cooking.
Why shouldn't it go well?
You know what?
I've been a complete idiot, haven't I?
I could have had all this long ago.
- Has Lachlan told you
about McBean?
He painted out the road sign.
The man has clearly lost the plot.
You see a lot more of Alex and Hamish
than I do, Mr McIver.
- Do they seem happy?
- Well, they seem to be, Major.
Then why don't they
just get married, hm?
I don't understand. It'd get that McBean
off their backs at the very least.
Marriage is a great responsibility.
It's a damn disgrace. I mean,
who does that McBean think he is?
Lots of couples live together,
for heaven's sake.
Agnes, dear, the Reverend might not
see things in quite that light.
Oh, I'm not that far apart from Agnes.
If God is love, then where there's love,
there's God.
- We must believe that, mustn't we?
- See?
- Another glass of wine, Alan?
- No, I won't.
It makes me feel lethargic.
Did you hear that, Barney?
I think Alan and I see things
in entirely the same light.
There it was in big red letters.
If it hadn't been for the presence
of Lachie Jr here,
I'd have banjoed that McBean
there and then, I kid you not.
Gomorrah, hey? Well, well, well.
That was a biblical city that God
destroyed on account of the goings-on.
I know that. What do you take me for,
an ignoramus or what?
- I was just pointing out
- Contemporary geologists
they think that Sodom and Gomorrah
were destroyed by natural disasters.
- Just thought I'd throw that in.
- Anyway
Next thing is,
McBean starts speaking in tongues.
Speaking in tongues, eh?
You'd know a lot about that sort of thing.
- I've seen it.
- Where was that?
- Cape Fear.
- There you go, you see.
Saw it himself up in Cape Fear.
I think he means the film, Lachlan.
- Cape Fear.
- That's right.
It's at the end, and Robert De Niro,
he's this religious maniac.
He's chained to this sinking boat,
and just as the boat's going under,
he starts speaking in tongues.
It was brilliant, the way that he did it.
Oh, no.
Lachlan, my man.
- Looking good, Lachlan, looking good.
- Feeling good, Zoot, feeling good.
- Hambo.
- Zoot. How are we?
Only wonderful, Hambo. Only wonderful.
Well, Zoot, you know
you're always welcome here. But
There's some pretty solid citizens
in the company, so nothing aromatic.
- Nothing?
- Nothing.
What have I stumbled in on here,
Hambo? A Victorian theme evening?
Just try looking on it
as a new experience.
- New experience. I like that.
- Aye.
- I'll tell my fellow risk-takers.
- Good man.
Zoot's been spending a lot of time
around Lochdubh these days.
What's the attraction, I wonder?
Open your hearts, dear friends.
Open your minds and hearts,
and together we shall know the infinite.
Lord, cleanse this house of sin
with the form of thy most sacred blood.
Cleanse it, cleanse it.
- Turn thy back on Satan now.
Alarm call, madam.
I heard them.
Lord, visit thy vengeance
on this stinking cesspool of sin.
- Cesspool of sin!
- Bethsheba. Another fine day.
- It is indeed, Mr McIver.
- Be warned!
Stay back from this wicked abode,
John McIver.
Wicked abode?
That's the police house, man.
Now get out of my way
before I lose my temper.
"Wicked abode"!
He that succours sin, himself sins.
Himself sins.
I don't understand it, you know.
The Church of the Stony Path
sets out strict codes for the brethren,
but they've never
behaved like this before.
And those clothes! They look ridiculous.
Yes, well, maybe it took us
to bring out the worst in them.
No, they've been like this
since before you moved in with Hamish.
But you do seem
to have given them a focus.
- That's me off, then.
- Take care.
- Take care?
This is Lochdubh, Alex.
God curse that man.
- Curse him, curse him.
- Think he means me, Lord.
- Fornicator.
- Definitely means me.
Do you think you can scoff at us,
His ministers? His elect?
Oh, his elect, is it?
Well, tell me this, Mr McBean.
If the Lord thinks so much of you,
how come he's just let my dog
piss up your trouser leg?
Dog of Dionysus.
Hound from Hades!
Infest that beast with fleas, Lord.
- Come on, Jock.
- Send down a plague
upon his foul master's house!
And let thy wrath be felt by the Jezebel
that lives in sin within it.
The temptress who leads man into sin!
- Alan.
- Isn't that such a stooshie?
I suppose I should apologise for him,
since he is a member of the cloth.
- Nonsense.
- You're very kind, but tell me
Do you think that man's insane?
- Well, I think he's just daft.
- What, not dangerous, then?
- No, just daft.
- I see.
I'll say good day to you, Hamish.
Thank you so very much.
For what?
He preaches with a lot of passion.
It sounds like a lot of abuse to me.
Sure, but remember, Hambo
They say the Lord works
in wondrous ways.
Is that right?
It occurred to me
that it might be worthwhile
having a look at the McBeans.
You know, at the Church
of the Stony Path as a whole.
- Oh, yes?
- Yes.
One never knows
what a good journo might find there
if he or she was to dig deep enough.
You surprise me, Flora. I half thought
you might agree with the McBeans.
Hamish and Alex aren't married, after all.
Neither am I, Isobel.
And who can blame Alexandra?
I mean, that Macbeth. Wouldn't you just
know he'd be a dirty boy?
- Oh, Malachi.
- Put the pebbles back, wife.
But you'll cripple yourself.
- Why are you doing these things?
- The struggle with Lucifer is arduous.
But this
Oh, sweet Bethsheba.
Your concern does you credit.
Yet more proof that you are the Lord's
greatest gift to this humble servant.
Please, Malachi. I don't deserve.
I think it's deserved.
And that is why, in my own way,
I have always loved you.
And why, in my own way,
I always will.
But I've begun to chart a difficult course
for the Church, Bethsheba.
And if you came to feel that the burden
of leadership
was too great for you to share with me
then I assure you I'd understand.
I want you to know that.
- Shall I make you a sleeping draught?
To shut out the hiss-s-s
of the serpent's tongue.
- That Reverend Snow
- He's a nice man.
He asked me if I thought
McBean was insane.
- You know, dangerous.
- I've been wondering the same thing.
No, I mean, it was the way he asked.
Alan Snow.
Kind of odd.
We could get shot of McBean
if we just get married.
I'm not giving in to that clown.
I was thinking we might do it
for our own sakes, Hamish.
Alex, I want to get married.
But I want to do it right.
And that costs a lot more than we've got,
Just wait till we get some cash put by.
Who'd have thought that?
You wanting a proper wedding.
No, no, I mean,
I just want to do things right.
That's all.
What are they doing?
That patch has been set aside
for hand-tilling.
After a day in there,
you should be too knackered to sin.
It doesn't work, though. Not when you're
at the height of your sexual powers.
- Like me, Isobel.
- Jubel, I'm here to do a story.
- See you.
- Yep.
What can we do for you,
Miss Sutherland?
Well, I was, erm
I was thinking of doing a piece.
For the religious affairs column.
We've been here a long time.
Why the sudden interest?
Well, this persecution of Hamish
Your choice of words betrays you, miss.
I'll not talk with an ally of sinners.
- Out of my way!
- If you'll just listen, Mr McBean
Out of my way! Now! Out!
Mr McBean!
- Lie still. You'll be fine.
- Just lie still.
- What happened?
- It was an accident.
- She needs a doctor.
She stepped under the wheel!
It was an accident!
It was an accident.
It was an accident.
- He did apologise, Hamish.
- The damage is already done.
- Calm down, Hamish.
- Look what he did to her!
- It's only bruising.
- The ground was soft.
You go home, and you tell
that badly-put-together man kit
that I have seen this,
I have seen what he did to her.
And you tell him his time is coming.
But it was an accident, Mr Macbeth.
- Malachi wouldn't tell a lie.
- Hamish
Excuse me, do I get to know
what's going on here?
- You saw what he did to her.
- And I saw what that did to you, Hamish.
That man has been standing out here
for weeks.
Every day he's called me names, and
Alex, he never touched you. If he
touched you it would be a different story.
Would it, Hamish?
I'm surprised you even have to ask that.
Dinner for one, then.
- Malachi!
No! Don't look upon him!
He is the beast! Look away from his face,
- Look away from his face!
- Malachi!
One look and he'll wither your soul.
Oh, Bethsheba. I saw him!
He is the beast!
Get away from the barn! It is the beast!
I'll call the fire brigade.
Well, he could be mad.
Or he might just be embarked on
some kind of Back To Basics campaign,
which would make him mad in my book,
Did I not say keep the weight
off that foot?
I'll be all right.
How is he?
He'll live, unfortunately.
Minor burns to his lower legs.
He's talking to John at the moment.
He refuses to speak to me.
So this noise.
You say you went to investigate.
And then what?
It was horrible.
I went into the barn
and there was this sudden stench
of sulphur.
And then I heard a low, infernal laugh.
When I raised my lantern
I saw it was the beast.
And his name was Macbeth.
I mean, he actually said
it was me in the barn.
You should have seen that TV John.
Did he enjoy telling me or what?
Apparently he had
these rather piercing green eyes.
Cat's, I think they were.
And there was mention
of this low kind of chuckle.
Oh, and there were definitely hooves,
you know, and a tail.
But no horns.
He was quite clear on that point.
You were out last night.
Where did you go?
Well, I was Now, wait a minute.
You don't think it was me in there,
do you?
There's a perfectly simple explanation
for all of this. There has to be.
Right, I'll prove it to you.
A perfectly simple explanation.
- OK, prove it!
- Why are we having this conversation?
You're there, Hamish.
Peter, please. Any ideas?
A man dropped a lamp, Hamish.
That's about it.
We were on our way back
from another call.
We got here a bit sharpish, but
we could have saved more of the place.
- If it hadn't been for that hold-up.
- What was that?
Some hippy in a hurry.
First of all he nearly rammed us,
then we had to wait for him to back up
so we could get by him.
Tattoo on his forehead? Blue BMW?
- Aye, that's him.
- Zoot Macpherrin.
I'll tell him to check his speed.
Surprising, though.
Zoot generally does everything
in a kind of, er a kind of sedate manner.
- Hamish.
Hamish, what's happening here?
I knew nothing but happiness here
till all this started.
What's going on?
I don't know, Jubel.
I don't know.
So what do you reckon then, Minister?
Did McBean see Old Nick or what?
- What?
- The devil, man.
- There's no such thing. It's a myth.
- So you think McBean's gone bananas?
It has to be one or the other, doesn't it?
Would you please excuse me?
That is a worried man.
I'm with you, Lachie Jr.
That man knows a thing about this
devil business. You mark my words.
My brave husband's taking no chances,
are you, Barney?
- Don't start, Agnes.
- What do you mean?
Use your nose, Lachlan.
Or if not that, your eyes.
Look. Garlic. To ward off evil spirits.
- I just thought I'd give the bar a
- A kind of continental feel.
- Exactly, Lachlan.
How does this lend itself
to the general ambience of the place?
Sometimes I wish
I'd listened to my mother.
Wouldn't have any more of these,
would you?
- Are you winding me up, Lachlan?
- Nope!
If there's any protecting to be done,
I want some for me and the boy.
Actually, against forces
of this magnitude,
the old garlic is pretty puny stuff.
What we need
is something far more potent.
What about chillies?
- Heads up.
- Hi, John.
- Did you see that?
- I saw it all right.
- Hamish, lad.
- Aye.
That's it for me, boys. If TV John
McIver's worried, that's it for me.
Nice shot, Isobel.
- How's the foot?
- It's fine.
Bit sore, that's all.
So how are things with you?
Not good.
Alex thinks I was in the barn.
Not with the horns and the tail,
of course,
but she thinks I was there.
She thinks I went for McBean
because of what he did to you.
Because of what I feel for
Because of what Alex thinks
I might feel for
- I see.
you, yeah.
Anyway, if I can just find out
what happened, everything will be OK.
She has to be able to trust me, Isobel.
It's the least she deserves.
- I did ask her to come back.
- Why are you telling me all this?
Well, because
we've never talked about us. That's why.
I just wanted you to know
why I did what I did.
- Us?
- Yeah.
There's no us.
You live with Alex.
That's that, as far as I'm concerned.
It's not a problem, Hamish.
So what are you going to do?
Oh, I don't know. I'm not sure.
If I can just get a starting point,
everything will be fine.
Come on, Isobel, please.
There might be something going on
at the McBean farm. It's just gossip.
Something Esme Murray hinted at.
Come on, keep up, boy, keep up, now.
- You're sure?
- We didn't come here for tea, TV John.
- We want protection.
- Spiritual protection.
Is there anything we can do, TV John?
Well, there is, as a matter of fact.
- There's an old Aztec ceremony.
- Aztec?
Oh, yes. I learned it down in Veracruz,
you see.
- That's in Mexico, Lachie Jr.
- Veracruz, TV John?
Oh, yes. I had spent
all but my last few pesos on bad rum.
I woke up in an alley with a tongue on me
like Gandhi's flip-flop.
So I went for a hair of the dog.
I went into this small, cool cantina.
As I was sitting there sipping my cure,
I saw this very beautiful young girl.
We were about the same age
and she was staring at me.
I couldn't think why,
for I'd never been much to look at.
But it transpired
that it was my aura she could see.
When we eventually spoke, she told me
that she was directly descended
from Aztec royalty.
Maybe even Atahualpa himself.
Anyway, over the next few days,
she taught me a great deal
about my psychic gifts.
As well as her own.
She told me how her people
had traditionally protected themselves
from the forces of darkness.
But you boys would never be
up for something like that.
Try us.
That's four syllables, I believe.
I can count, Rory.
But I don't have anything to go on.
I'm desperate, Esme.
Join the club.
Well, it's a bit delicate.
But since you're the law, Hamish.
It was a couple of months back. I was
coming off the bus from Inverness
having just visited a sick friend
when I noticed Bethsheba.
She was getting off in front of me
and she dropped her shoulder bag.
I gave her a hand to gather up her things.
Go on.
That's when I saw it.
Black underwear.
Then I saw her eyes
and I knew for certain
she'd had a good time.
Women can't hide that kind of thing
from each other, Hamish.
Was Malachi there?
Hamish, you're not listening.
I said she'd had a good time.
Right. OK.
- Go on.
You'll forgive my friends if they seem
a wee bit skittish, Hambo,
but we've had reports
of a certain manifestation.
A certain VIP from the nether regions
showing up on your patch.
This cat in the car.
Have you got any description?
No, the firemen were too busy
trying to get to the fire.
Ah, that is unfortunate, Hambo.
But you can rule me out. Last night
I was a million miles from Lochdubh
metaphysically speaking.
I was surfing the astral waves,
a kaleidoscope of the exquisite hues -
indigos, violets,
the most magnificent crimsons.
Yeah, I think I know the spot.
I hope you can believe me
when I say this, Hambo.
I'm really sorry I can't help you.
- Got the birch twigs?
- I've got them. One each.
- Have you got the
- I've got it!
I don't want to be out here
a minute longer than is necessary.
"Flowers by Bethsheba."
- John.
- Shh! Get down!
Oh, my God!
Doesn't it make you think
that civilisation is such a thin veneer?
Look what they're doing!
You did say free beer for a month.
- They've gone absolutely
- Ask me who's a clever boy, then.
- Who?
Me. I know what happened.
I told you there'd be
a perfectly simple explanation for this.
Bethsheba McBean is having an affair
with Zoot Macpherrin.
This I know because she was spotted
coming off a bus from Inverness
with black underwear and a certain look.
This I know because Zoot was seen later
driving fast away from the McBean
house on the night of the fire,
a fact he subsequently denied.
- Now, why would he do that?
- I'm sure you're gonna tell me.
I am.
Zoot's in the barn.
He's waiting for Bethsheba.
But it's Malachi who happens along.
Zoot jumps up, yeah? Gives him a fright.
Er McBean drops the lamp,
the fire starts,
and what with the smoke, the flames
and his obsession with the devil,
he sees what he wants to see.
What he's wanted to see all his life.
Ridiculous. Zoot Macpherrin
would never look at Bethsheba.
Isn't that just a tad sexist?
There's no need for that.
There's no need for any of this.
If you say you weren't in the barn,
you weren't, OK?
No, not OK.
Hamish, I'm tired. I want to go to bed.
Are you coming, or do you intend
continuing with your enquiries?
Not tonight.
At least Isobel's trying to help.
Well, I'm sure you'll make a great team.
What happened between them, John?
Well, whatever it was, can you not see
that he's trying to reassure you about it?
- How long was he there?
- Just a couple of minutes.
Talking to Malachi?
It doesnae make sense.
Maybe Esme's wrong and
Bethsheba's not having an affair at all.
- Hi there, Neil.
- Well, Hamish. It's yourself.
- It is yourself, I hope.
- Aye, it's me, Neil.
Listen, I'm looking for a bit of
information of a rather sensitive nature.
- Bethsheba McBean.
- Aye.
- Do you think she's, er
- Very definitely, Hamish.
With the minister. The Reverend Snow.
- What?
- Aye.
I noticed it after about the third trip.
He would sit at the back, she at the front,
studiously ignoring each other.
Hamish, is that you?
Yeah, it's me. Reverend Snow around?
- He got a phone call from Malachi.
- Malachi?
What was he saying?
Very good, Jimmy.
Just that much.
You move that much,
I get by without you noticing.
God spake unto this humble servant
and he said,
"Malachi, dost thou really think
"that Macbeth could assume
the guise of the Fallen One without help?
"No, no, no," he said.
"Seek ye out
he who claims to walk in my light,
"and there shall ye find your tormentor.
"The one who claims
to walk in my light."
Well, it was obvious who he meant.
What have you done with Bethsheba?
Done with her?
She's gone to the shops. It's Thursday.
And I sent the brethren up the ben
to meditate.
So it's just you and me.
So I said to the Lord,
"Lord, how shall I dispatch
"the Fallen One's disciple?"
The Lord said, "In the usual way,
Malachi. In the usual way."
You're not yourself.
- That felt so good.
- Hambo!
What have you done?
You. Phone Alex,
tell her to bring Doc Brown up here.
Are we meant to continue wondering
why you've gathered us all here?
I'd like to know what happened
to Malachi's head.
It was perfectly simple, Doc.
He was having an affair with her.
But so was he.
And he must have wanted
to have a clear field.
So he told him about these two.
The upshot is, when you've fixed him up,
I'm lifting him for attempted murder.
I'm sorry, Zoot. I'm gonna have to lift you
for conspiracy.
I'm sorry, Hambo. That's not how it was.
OK, Zoot. You tell me how it was.
I was meant to come in and rescue Alan,
Zoot's telling the truth.
Late one night, he saw Bethsheba
and the Reverend Snow together.
Mr Macpherrin!
- You told Malachi.
- Straight away.
- After all those long talks we'd had?
- What long talks?
I advised Bethsheba to do her own thing,
to move off with the Reverend Snow.
And she would have, Mr Macbeth,
but Alan here respected me.
He was worried about what people would
think if he took another man's wife.
- How do you know these things?
- Zoot told me.
- Bethsheba told me.
- The long talks.
Right, Doc.
We decided to force Alan's hand,
Mr Macbeth.
I became such an ogre he would be
forced to take Bethsheba away.
Hence the religious mania, the clothes.
Correct, Doc. Malachi the good
became Malachi the mad and the bad.
And this had the effect
of turning the community away from you
so they'd support Alan
when he tried to take Bethsheba.
- Doc, can I ask the questions?
- Sorry, Hamish.
But despite everything I did,
Alan wouldn't budge.
- And my feet were killing me.
- Wait, wait, wait.
If you wanted her and him
to get it together,
then why didn't you just tell
her and him?
Yes, why didn't you?
- Hamish, that would never do.
That would be Malachi the good.
The ultra good.
And Alan's feelings of guilt
for having hurt Malachi
would have destroyed the relationship.
- That's what Zoot said.
- Basic psychology.
Really very simple.
Right, then.
And this had better be good.
Why would you want Bethsheba
to leave you?
So that she could enjoy
the love she'd found.
And so that I might be free
to enjoy mine.
I thought you might have had
a wee inkling. I'm sure Alex did.
A wee while back, some friends and I
arranged a weekend
of perception development.
Malachi came up to remonstrate with us,
but when our eyes met
there was to be no remonstrance.
You two were in the barn.
I dropped the lamp.
When I heard Bethsheba coming,
I had to think of something.
I am still a minister
in the Church of the Stony Path.
I am sure that the people in this room
can keep a confidence
if you consider it necessary
for the good of your church, Malachi.
But, er But what are we going to do?
- I think you should move in with Alan.
- We'll say that I'm giving you refuge.
The community has turned
against Malachi.
- Meanwhile you file for a divorce.
- And Jubel can take over
and Malachi can move in with me.
- Are you coming?
- Are you kidding?
- What will you and Zoot do?
- We can continue to meet.
We can make sure our holidays coincide.
I've a substantial villa on the Algarve.
The Algarve?! That's wonderful!
Just like I said.
A perfectly simple explanation.
It was just exactly like you said.
Thanks very much, Alex.
I went out and proved I wasnae
in the barn, and I did that for you.
Hamish, all you had to do was say
that you had no feelings for Isobel.
Well, are you coming?
Yeah, later. Doc will be needing a lift.
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