Happy! (2017) s01e01 Episode Script

Saint Nick

1 Jingle all the way [COUGHING.]
'Tis the season to be jolly Fa la la la la, la la la la Don we now our gay apparel Hey, there, pretty.
Troll the ancient Yuletide carol Fa la la la la, la la la la ["WINTER WONDERLAND" BY DISCO CHRISTMAS PLAYS.]
Fast away the old year passes Fa la la la la, la la la la Hail the new, ye lads and lasses What just happened in there is what you young people refer to as epic.
God damn, Sax.
You wreck my porcelain again? - Maybe.
You want to guess from which end? [GARGLING.]
You're costing me business, Sax.
Costing you business? I'm single-handedly keeping this shithole in the black.
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone, Terrance.
Not vodka! I give up.
What is it? Quit your bitching.
I could dissolve a body in this shit.
Goddamn Christmas miracle I'm still alive.
Saving yourself for some lucky girl, I guess.
Well, ho, ho, ho.
What's Santa got for me tonight? Please, just take it.
Well, that's interesting.
Gonna be a busy holiday season for you and me both, by the looks of it.
Don't know nothing about it, Satan.
All right, well, you have yourself a merry [ENGINE REVS, TIRES SQUEALING.]
Fuck it.
Sockatoo is my favorite.
No, Baballoon.
No, Sockatoo.
I thought you liked the pink one.
She's the sick Wishee.
You can tell from her spots.
Ooh, right.
And what about Happy? Which one's Happy's favorite? Happy doesn't have a favorite.
He doesn't like Wishees.
Do you, Happy? He thinks they're weirdos.
We got to go.
We're gonna be late! And now, it's the moment you've all been waiting for.
They call him the man who made Christmas for thousands of underprivileged children Come on, Mom.
It's starting! Come on! He's the man that makes the sun shine Sonny Shine! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Sonny Shine! Not just one wish - Not just two! - Not just two wishes - but three wishes! - You get three wishes! [LAUGHING.]
Everyone over here say "Wishees!" - ALL: Wishees! - You say "Wishees!" - You say "Wishees!" - I can't see! Ha ha! Why walk when you can dance? I can't see! I'm sorry.
Let's get closer! Ew! [LAUGHS.]
Haley? Haley! Haley! Haley! Haley! Don't worry, Happy.
We'll go back.
There were too many people! I couldn't see! But I only want one wish! That's not true.
Don't be mean.
Sunshine! I only need one wish! What do you mean "run away"? From who? [OMINOUS VERSION OF "CAROL OF THE BELLS PLAYS.]
Here they come! Haley! [SIREN WAILING.]
Haley! Haley! Yo, get a load of this snowflake, huh? Little bitch changed up his look since then, right? - Easy money.
- No.
This is not easy money.
Dude, chill.
Three Scaramuccis against one "Bum Fights" -looking motherfucker.
All right, we're gonna drop him like a hot deuce.
You never seen Sax doing work.
I did.
What I can't figure out is why Uncle Blue would want to whack this guy.
Maybe he knows too much.
- Whoa, Mikey! - Look who it is! Oh, my God, look at you.
Welcome home, little bro.
Ain't no one knew you was back! Yeah, I left straight from the funeral.
Hey, guys.
Moment of silence for Don Scaramucci, huh? God rest his soul.
And to think our little Michelangelo sitting right by the bedside as the great man peaced out.
Mwah! - Yeah.
Looks like the four Smootchie Bros are gonna kick some ass tonight.
Hey, take a look at this job we just got.
Oh, count me out.
I got something for Uncle Blue straight from the Don.
- It can't wait.
- What do you got, Mikey? Yeah, bro.
Fuck that.
A little ballistic therapy first, then go kiss the ring.
All right? Uncle Freaky ain't going no place.
Hey! Watch your mouth, dumbass.
You kidding me? The Don's dead, so all of a sudden, we're just supposed For Christ's sake, I ain't even unpacked yet.
What's up, little Mike? You afraid of getting blood on your Dolce & Ga-fucking-bbana? So it turns out they did some research [SIREN WAILING IN THE DISTANCE.]
Statistical shit Listen, dude, could you hurry it up? I have an 11:00, supposed to be here any minute.
They proved that hookers See, hookers like you Who work the holidays, you share an economic niche with the department store Santa Claus! It's the time of giving.
Empty 'em.
Empty 'em! Empty my big shiny Christmas balls! Now here's something you don't see every day.
I'm your 11:00.
Sorry, am I early? Oh, shit.
Well, that's novel.
Cockroach? Prawn.
It's like a shrimp.
Um, please don't Please You need to relax.
If I'd showed up on time, that hammer would be halfway through your skull.
That's the last weirdo.
I swear to God.
Now's not the time to be making big decisions.
Hey, I know you.
I don't think so.
Yeah, you're a You're a cop, right? You busted me back in the day.
You you were a real gentleman.
Didn't make a pass or anything.
You told me to get on a bus and go home, get my act together.
You inspired me.
- I can see that.
- Yeah, well You don't look like a cop no more.
What happened? Yeah, I'd be tickled to death to have that conversation with you right now, but I'd prefer to talk about how you're gonna pay me back.
Talk to me, bro.
What's eating you? Hmm? [SIRENS WAILING.]
- Huh? - I know you.
This ain't Disco Mikey.
I saw your Snapchat The chicks, the wine.
You must have had the time of your life out there, huh? [DARK MUSIC.]
Best ever.
You guys probably think I got some kind of big inheritance lined up.
The Old Don hooked me up real good before he kicked it, right? What are you saying? It ain't true? Don Scaramucci loved you like a son, picked you out of everybody in the whole family.
He left me something, all right.
But not money.
- This is the place.
- Yo, what's the play, bro? All right, I got high-specificity intel.
We're gonna catch this asshole literally with his pants down.
Way up above amid the ice and snow Where the eyes of no one may see [WHIRRING STOPS, THUD.]
With my dear little man and my wonderful shop [DRILL WHIRRING.]
Let me out! [SCREAMS.]
Huh? Away I go, over the ice and snow [MAN BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Now, now, now's your chance! Go, go, go, go! Don't worry, Haley! I'll find him! [UPBEAT JAZZY MUSIC.]
What did I tell you, huh? [LAUGHING.]
Holy shit.
Ah, Mike.
It's nothing, right? Not a fucking tough guy anymore, Sax.
Who's this? Pal "Swipes" Scaramucci? No you ain't, that's me.
Oh, boy, and they told me you were the smart one.
All right, then, genius, see if you can follow this.
Right now you're talking to the man who was hired to kill the Scaramucci Brothers.
Now, full confession I am one lazy bastard.
So the problem is, how do I get all you squirrely assholes together in one place? Solution I call in a hit on that handsome son of a bitch Nick Sax.
Oh, shit.
I gather you all together in one place, lined up.
Like a turkey shoot! [DARK ROCK MUSIC.]
That's funny.
I contracted for three.
Wait a minute.
You're the baby brother, right? Look at you all grown up, hands shaking, asshole flapping.
You Yeah, I killed your brothers, that's right.
It's awkward.
Oh, that sucked.
- Say bye-bye.
- Wait, wait, wait! Whatever you're getting paid, I've got something that's worth more.
I'm listening.
It's a password.
- I just stopped listening.
- From the old Don in Sicily.
Before he died, he gave me a password to an encrypted file.
It's it's a list of names.
It's priceless.
Yeah, I don't do priceless.
I'm more of a cash-and-carry kind of guy.
Besides, it sounds like I'd be tortured and killed for it by any number of interested parties, so I mean, while you're at it, why don't you just offer me ass cancer? Please.
All right, look, you're in a sharing kind of mood.
I get it.
So just tell it to your brothers.
You're shot! Yeah, but it's the heart attack I just had that's really got my attention.
I got to join a spin class, eat more kale.
What the Perfect.
Hey, hey, mister! What about my money? Mama.
Please, I've been as good as I can.
Forgive me, Mama.
Kid, if I remind you of your mama, you got bigger problems than a hole in your head.
If you just hear my confession, I can move on, Mama.
Confession? Yeah, sure.
Go ahead.
Knock yourself out.
Mama, the world It's run by devils.
They they look like people, but they're devils.
Great-Grandpa, he showed me things Things I wish I never saw.
I got to tell it to you, Mama, so that I won't have it in me anymore.
And then I can be free.
All right, look, I already told you once, pal.
Now I'm gonna tell you again.
I'm not interested.
That was easy.
All right, Nick.
All right, you're fine.
You're fine.
You're fine.
- Looks dead to me.
- Less paperwork if he's dead.
- Oh, shit! Don't move, sir, don't move! [SIREN WAILS.]
What the hell is this? Put your guns back in your pants.
He's breathing.
What about this one? 45 exit wound and a BASE jump from the third floor.
Muchos muertos.
Disco Mikey Mooch.
I haven't seen him around in a while.
Any witnesses? Must have been one hell of a Christmas party.
Big guy down there He do this? I don't know what the little guy said.
I didn't hear anything.
What exactly is it you did in here? Look, the guy with the nice coat he, um, went all random, started talking about a password or something.
Password? You sure about that? I guess you didn't happen to hear what it was.
Like I said, he just sort of whispered it, and then [CROAKS.]
Listen, I've been traumatized.
Don't I get counseling or something? He didn't mention this password to anyone else, right Just big guy? Like I told you Lady, I got every kind of thing that can come out of a guy all over me.
Can I please get out of here? Hey [SIGHS.]
Hey! Make sure you keep him alive, or I promise you, it's your balls.
Hey, what about me, huh? I've been violated! Take her home.
No stops along the way.
What do you want? Detective, ma'am, look, the guy's been shot.
He's had a heart attack, maybe two heart attacks.
- The chances he makes it - He'll live.
He always does.
So many lights, so many people.
I'll never find him.
Yes, you will! Because you have to! [UPBEAT JAZZY MUSIC.]
Where is he? Where is he? Excuse me, can you help me? Of course not.
He can't even see me.
Jeez, I thought I was having a bad day.
Okay, you two look busy.
Can you see me? Yerks! Whoa! There must be an easier way to order a drink! I think you're going the wrong way! Hey, watch it, pal! [TIRES SCREECHING, ENGINE REVVING.]
Whoa, looks like someone's got a lot of Christmas cards to deliver! He's close, Haley.
I can feel it.
Actually, I can smell it.
He's got a vest! - What the - [MONITOR FLATLINING.]
Clear! Three, two, one! It's like cooking a steak! Give him another! BOTH: Three, two, one! She said if we lose him, it's our balls.
Do you think she meant that literally or like Like a figure of speech or something? We're not gonna lose him! - Huh? - Pure adrenaline.
I got to admit, I've always wanted to do this.
Morphine! 20 migs stat! - [CAR HORN HONKING.]
Aaah! Oh, that's warm.
Nitroglycerin! 34 migs.
Ah Oh, yeah.
That's it.
Hey, mister! Come on, snap out of it! [SIREN WAILING.]
You can see me! What the hell? Yeah, you ain't quite what I expected either.
I guess we get what we get, and we don't get upset, right? Oh, boy.
Well, here goes nothing.
I'm Happy! The happy horse, horse, horse So full of fun, of course, of course It's plain to see it's fun to be Happy [NEIGHING.]
The happy horse, horse, horse So full of love, of course, of course It's time to be carefree, so come with me, Happy! [HOOVES CLOMPING.]
Here it comes! Here comes the fun! Are you ready? - I'm ready! - Here it comes! Clippety-clop, flippety-flop We got no time to mope and mop Let's ride the magic rainbow Right to the tippy, tippy, tippy, tippy Stop! I'm hallucinating.
Go away.
Ah But but I-I got stuff to tell you! Mucho important stuff! Shh.
I don't talk to pink elephants.
What, are you color blind? I ain't pink, pal.
And elephants have trunks! Do you see any luggage? [CHUCKLES.]
Kill this thing any way you can.
- They can't see me.
- What I Only you can see me.
- Ah - Aah! - Aah.
- Ah Look, asshole, I'm gonna take a nap now.
When I wake up, I want you to No, no, don't go.
Not yet! Haley needs us! Well, usually you're a great source of information, but this time I'm afraid you're mistaken.
My favorite nephew, he's currently en route from Italy.
Maybe he was yesterday.
Right now he's in the county morgue.
And Nick Sax has got his fat, grubby fingers on my password.
Meredith! Your father's on the TV again! That evil bastard is so handsome.
You know, I can tell you're real broken up about losing four nephews in one night, Blue.
Maybe I should give you a little time to process.
How very compassionate of you, Detective McCarthy and during the holiday season.
Gerry, pay attention to Whiskers, please.
Scratch him.
It's the antlers, dear.
He hates them.
Sax should be at General.
I will be there when he wakes up and have a little chat.
And I hope that conversation goes very, very well.
The thought that that swollen troglodyte might actually die before I get what I need out of him Well, I'm sure you understand.
It won't be you that I come to vent my spleen on.
How is your ma? Silly, fragile old thing.
She been taking her medication? My daughter doesn't care.
She doesn't give a damn about She Meredith? - Meredith? - He'll talk.
There's something you're not telling me, Blue.
I mean, first, the old Don dies on the other side of the world.
Then 24 hours later, there's four dead Scaramuccis in Brooklyn.
What's going on out there? Tell your ma I said she has to start taking her pills.
I can see where you get your stubborn streak.
Gerry, little angel.
Yes, Papa? I don't want to tell you again.
If Whiskers won't stop scratching, I'm gonna have to put him on the fire.
And that'll be four dogs we've gone through in one year Socks, J.
Edgar Woofer, Professor Buttons, and now and now Whiskers.
So, please, little - Smoothie.
Happy holidays.
And a happy holidays to you, Mr.
39 inches, 47 pounds, blood type O negative.
This backpack she had on What color was it? I told you.
Pink, right, right.
Would you say, like, Pepto or more of a pastel? It was pink.
Pink pink, with Wishees all over it.
Kids love that shit, don't they? I printed her myself two years ago.
Printed her? And the father? It's just me and my daughter.
Got everything we need to start the investigation on Ashley.
Haley! Haley Hansen.
I want to speak to Captain Rollins.
Rollins? And if he's not here, Burns.
Tell him it's Amanda Hansen.
Listen, I know this is tough.
But we're on it.
Go home.
Get some sleep if you can.
And I have someone you can talk to in the morning.
I died.
I did it.
I really did it.
And I'm in hell.
Not one wish, not two wishes, but three You should be so lucky.
- Oh, I bet that feels good, huh? - Eh, nothing.
Massive cardiac arrest.
Point-blank bullet impact, upper torso.
I've had hangovers worse than this.
- I'm an invalid.
- What? I'm an invalid.
Open up a window.
Window! It's against the law to smoke in a hospital.
You know that, don't you? Get it in gear.
Open up a window, will you? Not that window.
No, no, no! No, no, no! Close! Close it! Lucky for me, she opened that window.
I was about to turn into a blueberry horse-sicle! [SNEEZES.]
Excuse me.
I'm pretty sure I told you to fuck off.
Oh, you did a few times.
Not you.
TV's off, Nick.
Yeah, I know.
Meredith what are you here for? [CHUCKLES.]
Nick Sax.
Hard to believe this piece of shit in front of me used to be the best detective in the whole department.
Yeah, well, I was a real hero.
You were mine.
Wife of yours was smart to get out when she did.
Come on, you didn't come here to go there.
Don't go there.
Boy, she's a regular Good Time Pam.
- Shut up! - [CUP CLATTERS.]
There's something wrong with you.
You have no idea.
Why couldn't you have just left me out in the street? Why do you think you're here? - Here? - Huh? Yeah, General.
Some pension.
Get shot just going about your business, and the best thing they can do is a Mob hospital.
Think I still got some of your business on my shoe.
You know, I know what Disco Mikey told you.
You're in deep shit.
You're in deep Bandini, Nick.
That means a bad word.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Mikey gave you a password meant for Blue.
Dumb kid ran into you before he had a chance to deliver it.
I think you know what they'll do to get it out of you.
Unless you tell me first.
Orderly with wheelchair to second floor Password? Oh! Oh I know! Open sesame! Seriously? - Listen to me.
- Go.
I think Blue hired you to kill his nephews.
Mikey just ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I think there is a goddamn underworld civil war brewing, and you've managed to land your sorry ass right in the middle of it.
I think I can still get you out, but you have to tell me what you know.
What I know? People suck, I don't pay my income tax, and I no longer feel dirty when I touch myself, but beyond that, it just seems pretty clear that whoever knows this alleged password is as good as dead or worse.
That's about it.
Oh, Meredith, you're such a pain in the ass.
Ah, look, you deserve better than that.
Thanks for coming.
I appreciate that.
And I will tell you this get the hell out of here.
"Comprendo"? It's сomprende.
- It's Spanish.
- I know it's Spanish! [PA BEEPS.]
Nurse Peduto to outpatient All right, then.
It is what it is.
It sure ain't what it ain't! Oh, about time she left.
What a charmer.
Look, I don't want to speak out of school, Nick, but I think she might have a thing for you! Wait a minute, were you two [GAGGING.]
Oh, I'm gonna lose my lunch.
It's the oxycodone.
Pull it together, Sax.
You're hallucinating.
That's bad.
It's some kind of reaction.
Who are you talking to, Nick? You know, I used to know a guy who would talk to himself, and he ended up in a funny farm.
He's like cuckoo, you know? [BLUBBERING CRAZILY.]
Cuckoo! So you're some kind of manifestation of my subconscious, right? Yeah, you lost me at "so" Something about a submarine sandwich? [ODD DARK MUSIC.]
Breathe, breathe.
Okay, breathe.
Five, four, three, two one.
This is no time for hide-and-seek, Nick Even though I love it.
Besides, peeking is cheating.
- You're not real.
- Of course not.
I'm an imaginary friend.
My imagination is very limited.
It usually involves inflicting pain in ways that may not have occurred to most.
You're funny, Nick.
But I ain't your imaginary friend.
I don't even want to think about what that would look like.
I'm Haley's imaginary friend! - Right.
- Haley's a little girl, Nick.
The sweetest, most adorable little girl in the whole world, but but she's in real bad trouble, and you're the only one that can help me save her! [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
No exit this way, Nick.
Jesus, that was a bad one.
Damn pills are gonna kill me.
All right.
We got company, Nick.
- And he's back! - Some real creepazoids! Hey, if you want to be useful, why don't you tell me how many I'm dealing with? Okay, it's one, two, three, four, uh, five.
- Are you sure about that? - Uh-huh.
So five.
I've done five.
I can do five.
Here they come, here they come, here they come! [CHUCKLES.]
Ticktock, time to rock.
Oh, that's not gonna do.
Hey! Hey! Hey! - [GROANING.]
- Hold on.
That's better.
- Some help you turned out to be.
- No offense, buddy, but I don't see how we're gonna save Haley if you keep fainting at the first sign of trouble! - Why are you whispering? - Tut tut.
Drug-induced dementia is a luxury that you will no longer get to enjoy.
I am going to need your complete focus and attention.
Smoothie? Clearly, my reputation precedes me.
Well, I heard you like to get pee-peed on, if that's what you mean.
- Thanks for the cosign.
Hey, there's nothing wrong with it, no shame.
I hear a lot of people are into that thing.
Aah! Scat video! - I beg your pardon? - [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Nothing? What? Look, asshole, let's get this over with.
You want Disco Mikey's password.
Oh, I'll get that.
Believe me.
Yeah, of course you will.
I'm a tough nut, but you'll crack it, all right.
Why don't we just cut out the middleman and just get down to it, huh? I'll spill the beans.
I got no illusions that it'll buy me a quick death, but I mean, what the hell? We all got places to go, people to meet.
I couldn't have put it better myself.
Yeah, so the kid is sitting there, lying in my arms sour smell of homemade lasagna on his breath as he presses his cold, clammy lips to my ear, and he [SIGHS.]
He whispers it to me right before he croaks.
I'll never forget the words he utters.
He says "Tinkle, tinkle.
Oh, I am going to get the words.
Believe me.
But I am going to take my time.
I'm going to set an example with you.
Do you want to know why? Not really.
Because I am a professional.
I take pride in my work.
I approach my assignments with precision, discipline, and respect for my employers.
You see, Sax, your reputation precedes you as well.
Mm? You seem to look at each new job as an opportunity to fulfill some half-acknowledged death wish.
You just don't get it, do you, Smoothie? My life is an ever-swirling toilet that just won't flush.
I don't think I can die.
We'll see.
Music, please.
Was that as creepy as I felt? Creepy, right? [TOOL WHIRS.]
I am going to remove your penis in thin slices like salami just for starters.
That's gonna take you a long time if you know what I mean.
He knows what I mean.
Oh, I don't think I can watch.
Come on, Nick, do something! Well, you know, after a while, it just gets harder and harder to find a reason to keep on going.
There's two kinds of people in this godforsaken world, you worthless little maggot! Which kind do you want to be A good apple or a road apple? [GROWLING.]
Oops! I pooped.
Oh, for Christ sakes.
Yeah, okay, well, I think you made your point.
So can we go back to saving Haley? Oh, is he going to be okay? [MAN GRUNTS.]
No, he is not gonna be okay.
Hey, there.
Didn't see you.
Oh, come on.
Oh, yeah, papi.
I can explain.
No, shoot to wound, man.
Blue wants him alive.
Well, that's interesting.
We'll tango later there, angry eyes.
Let's go this way! - Get him! - No, let's not go that way.
Back off, or the horse gets it! On to the stairway! Follow me! Hold it! [MEN SHOUTING.]
I'm actually really good at this.
Nice jacket.
I'm Dr.
And I need some [MUMBLES.]
Rough day.
What are you staring at? Tough tonsillectomy! Kid'll pull through, though.
I need coffee.
Better? Actually, yeah.
Then let's go save Haley! Come on! [GUNSHOT.]
Physical therapy, fifth floor! Get out of the way! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
Yerks! More bad guys coming, Nick! I need less bad guys and more good news out of you.
We're in a family-sized jar of pickles, Nick.
I have no idea what that means.
What the heck, Nick? There's no elevator! And you can't fly! Can you? Third floor.
Oh, yeah.
You got the loco eyes, buddy.
You know what? You can't help me save Haley if you're dead-zaroni! Yeah, and about this Haley you keep yammering on about to hell with her, and while you're at it, to hell with you.
Come on, don't do that.
How'd you know there were five? Huh? Back in my room.
The creepazoids coming for me.
You're a manifestation, but How'd you know there were five? - Yerk! - [GUNSHOTS.]
Whoo-hoo! Are we the best team or what? Ha ha! Oh, hey, Merry.
- Nick.
- Yerks! - Can I borrow your car? - [GULPS.]
- Son of a bitch.
Go! Where we going, Nick, huh? Where we going, huh? We? We ain't going nowhere.
You heard that nice lady back there.
I signed my own death warrant when I iced Disco Mikey.
Every scumbag in the city will be looking for me if they're not already.
- Eh, I mean, yeah, but - Yeah, but nothing.
I'm getting the hell out of Dodge.
Quit your tap dancing.
You're ruining the dashboard.
I didn't want to tell you, Nick.
So then don't.
I was afraid of scaring you away.
After all, you left her once before.
Maybe you just don't want to be a daddy.
What are you yammering on about? Why do you think I picked you, Nick? I don't know.
Lucky, I guess.
You can say that again.
Nick, Haley is your daughter.
Toy land, toy land Little girl and boy land [CRIES.]
Happy? Happy?