Happy! (2017) s01e02 Episode Script

What Smiles Are For

1 Previously on "Happy!" Nick Sax.
Hard to believe this piece of shit used to be the best detective in the whole department.
Right now you're talking to the man who was hired to kill the Scaramucci Brothers.
Wait, wait, wait.
The Old Don in Sicily before he died, he gave he gave me a password.
It's priceless.
Nick Sax has got his fat, grubby fingers - on my password.
- You're a great source - of information.
- Seems pretty clear that whoever knows this password is as good as dead or worse.
- Smoothie? - I'm gonna set an example - with you.
Come on.
Snap out of it.
- I'm Happy! The happy horse, horse, horse so full of fun - of course, of course.
- You're not real.
Of course not.
I'm Hailey's imaginary friend.
The sweetest, most adorable little girl in the whole world.
But she's in real bad trouble, and you're the only one - that can help me save her.
- Hailey! Oh, hey, Merry.
Can I borrow your car? I didn't wanna tell you, Nick.
Hailey is your daughter.
It came upon the midnight clear That glorious song of old From angels bending near the earth Come on, now.
This is a network show.
I told that ratchet, all right? And I'm telling y'all motherfuckers.
I ain't no mother[BLEEP.]
ing baby daddy! [BOOING.]
- Suck my dick! - Fuck you! - It's not mine! - You know, I've been doing this show 27 years.
I've never heard that before.
- Ha ha, yeah.
- Come on, Jerry! Jerry, Jerry, Jerry! Man, look at that, and then look at this.
Look at this! [BOOING.]
I would never hit that [BLEEP.]
, man! I would never hit that! I'll hit that! - Oh, yeah! - Yo, yo! Come on, man.
Yo, [BLEEP.]
that [BLEEP.]
that [BLEEP.]
That's your baby now.
This is your baby! Look at this! Look at this! That's not my [BLEEP.]
baby! Yeah, look! Look at this! - Get out of here, man.
- Well, we're gonna find out who hit what and from what end, but first Here's another winner at life who claims the kid ain't his.
- Give it up for Nick Sax.
I got no idea why I'm even here.
- Well, you're not really here.
This is a metaphor.
You've experienced a near death - bodily trauma.
- Yeah.
After hearing the best news any guy can ever hear.
Let's give a nice hand to the new papa.
Sorry to disappoint.
I ain't nobody's daddy.
How can you be so sure? You shooting blanks? [AUDIENCE OOHS AND LAUGHS.]
Which is pretty funny, considering your line of work.
Look, any alleged incidents of erectile dysfunction That I am in no way admitting to Would be a fairly recent development from me, and totally beside the point.
I'm telling you I don't belong here.
The only thing I am a father to is a baseball-size colonic impasse that's getting worse every minute of this conversation.
Well, there's a lovely lady backstage in our green room who frankly has a different version of events.
You can't even bear to look at her, can you, Nick? - What are you running from? - Yeah! [INTENSE MUSIC.]
So, don't take this the wrong way, but looks like someone needs a little nap! [SQUEAKS.]
All righty, now.
I accept you.
You're not a hallucination.
You're not my subconscious trying to dry rape me for all my past sins.
- You're real.
- Imaginary friend.
Listen to me.
I once saw a man high on PCP rip off his own testicles in the middle of Times Square.
Do you know what I'm trying to say to you? I'm saying I've seen some crazy shit.
So I accept it.
You exist.
You're here.
There's probably a little girl somewhere out there who needs her daddy real goddamned bad.
And you should go find him.
'Cause I ain't him.
You are him, Nick.
And she's yours.
My God.
Those teeth.
Those flared nostrils and beady eyes.
It's somehow endearing, and yet so, so horrible.
How do you even - Nah, forget it.
Joyful and triumphant Oh Christmas tree oh Christmas tree How lovely are your branches Oh you're looking good you're smelling right I give it to you every night [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Don't look out the window and don't wait by the door He'll be coming down the chimney Like he always did before When you hear his sleigh bells Don't look front or back He'll be coming down the chimney With a sack upon his back If you wrote your letter to Santa and you're good You'll find your stockings all filled up With the things you hoped you would So don't look out the window and don't wait by the door He'll be coming down the chimney Yes by gosh by Jiminy Hello? Anybody there? [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
I'm here.
Do you know where we are? No.
Who are you? Hailey Hansen.
What's your name? Are you there? - Yeah.
- Has he hurt you? He doesn't like us talking.
He thinks we're gonna do something bad.
Like try to run away.
He doesn't want us to go back to our parents.
What does he want? He wants us to stay little kids.
He wants us to stay little kids forever.
It's me, Sax.
Is that cooking spray? Oh, Dr.
Oh, and no ring.
I'm gonna introduce you to my granddaughter.
You can't be too careful, Doctor.
This used to be a nice neighborhood, - before all them, you know.
- Bad hombres.
- Skulking around.
- Yeah.
I heard them climbing the fire escape earlier.
Fire escape.
Honey, I'm home.
Surprise! Hey, boys! What the hell? No balloons, no hookers? Come on.
What kind of going away party is this? [ROCK MUSIC.]
I wanna thank you guys for not tossing my apartment.
Wait, did you? Jesus, Frank.
- Look at his balls.
- Swinging like a watch.
I mean, they are hypnotic.
In video games, it's what they call Respawning.
- This isn't a game, Sax.
- Eh, I just gotta pick up a few essentials from the trusty old go-bag.
So I can vamanos my burly white ass on out of here.
That's a good one.
And with that, I bid you bye-bye.
Help yourselves to the fridge.
I got ten-day-old Chinese in there, but with the MSG, I think you guys will be all right.
I would offer you booze, but I wasn't expecting company.
Oh, do make sure to extend my season greetings to Blue.
You seem confused, Sax.
I seem to think you assholes didn't get the memo.
The one where Blue wants me alive.
- The password.
- Oh.
Oh, yeah, right.
So Yeah, we don't work for Blue.
- Huh? - We're with Fresh Ken.
- Ninth Street.
- Since when? - Tuesday.
- Why? - More money.
- I understand that.
- Mmm.
- Fresh Ken.
Anyway, this this password that you talk about.
- Yeah? - It's actually why we're all here.
See nobody knows what it's for.
Word on the street is, Blue gets his hands on that password, he becomes untouchable.
- Unstoppable.
- Word on the street? It's like some Ark of the Covenant shit for hoods.
He'd wipe us all out like polio.
- And I'm the only one who - Knows the password.
- Which is why - You gotta get dead.
Well, ain't this a sticky wicket.
He's going down the fire escape! - Bad hombres.
- [GASPS.]
Ah, peanuts.
Nick, there comes a time when you just gotta face reality.
Fuck you! Get the fucking fuck - away from me.
- Oh! Swear jar! Swear jar! When dirty words come out too far! - That'll be 25 cents, please.
Oh, crackers and jam, Nick!! Now we're flat broke! That's right.
We need guns and money.
And I knows just the guy.
Great, so we'll just, uh, run there, I guess.
We are so f [SQUEAKS.]
This your car? [WHIRRING.]
James Joyce called cheese the corpse of milk.
I never listened to folk music.
You're more of a yellow slices wrapped in plastic girl.
Kraft American.
Just get to the point.
You want Sax.
We need to learn to take our time with things.
This wine, for instance Mmm.
Began as a grape.
A sweet thing.
But also an immature thing.
To reach its full potential, the grape is subjected to pressure.
Squashed to a pulp.
Reduced to its essence.
Sealed in darkness.
And there it waits.
Compelled by the hands of time - to become a finer thing.
- I get it, Blue.
- I'm the grape.
- No, no, no.
You don't get it.
I'm the grape.
I'm the goddamn grape! [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
When I was a boy Hmm The Don swore to me on the souls of his ancestors that I would get what's mine.
If I was patient.
Now, I didn't understand then.
But I do now.
I wasn't ready.
But now I am.
- And I want what I'm due.
- And what's that? Everything.
This is my time to step to the fore, to take my place as leader of the family.
And you're in my way, Meredith.
I get it.
Life has been complicated.
Father gunned down in the line of duty.
Your mother Bright, beautiful, talented She loses her mind.
You, the candy striper.
No man in your life.
The only man you ever loved, well, you broke up his marriage.
Wrecked his career.
Your script needs a little work.
And now he's back.
And you let him go.
You gave him your car.
I'm glad you did.
I am.
You gained his trust all over again.
Use that trust.
Find him.
Bring him in.
Alive and articulate.
That's very important, Meredith.
How important? [LAUGHS.]
What did you have in mind? I bring you Sax, and we're even.
I'm out from under you.
Bill paid in full.
Me and Ma.
- Deal.
- Deal.
What, you wanna fucking spit on it? One thing.
I know how hard it can be to get help on short notice.
So I've dispatched a qualified professional to attend to your mother's every need till you do what needs to be done.
What? Run along, Meredith.
I can't wait to see the look on his face when you say, "Hey, you!" "Who, me?" "Yeah, you.
That's my kid you got there.
" "Says who?" "Says me.
" "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah.
" And then you give him the old one-two.
And he runs away screaming to mommy like a stupid baby.
- My goodness.
- What, what is it? Shh! Do you hear that? It's Hailey.
Wh-What? - Yeah! - Where? In there! Yeah! A little further! "Happy!" You hear that? A little further! [CLANKING.]
I ain't nobody's daddy.
Well, I'll be dipped in cat shit.
Le Dick.
I mean, seriously, Nicky.
How many years? - Le Dic.
- It's French, yeah, yeah.
I know, I've heard before.
Why don't we just skip all the pleasantries? I'm sure you boys wanna get back to your little game here.
I need cash, Le Dic.
And weapons.
Aww, shit, Nicky.
All you gotta do is ask.
How much cash and firearms? Just tell me the type and quantity.
- Be specific.
- Go with, uh, 10Gs.
No, 20.
And, uh, guns.
You know how I roll.
Uh, small cal Sig, Kel-Tek.
And cannon.
Desert Eagle.
You know, something that'll just punch a hole right through the center.
I ain't giving you any money or guns, you pole-smoking broke-ass piece of shit.
Whoa, calm down.
Calm down, all right.
I admit it.
I owe you.
But you hey, let's not forget that you owe me.
You come into my place Sit at my table I haven't seen you in, what? Six months ago since that shit went sideways in Bushwick.
That was not all my fault.
- That was bad.
- It wasn't that bad.
- Very awkward.
- Well, it doesn't matter.
"Gimme this, gimme that.
I need cash, Le Dic! I need guns!" Oh, shit! Two pair! Pass the marmalade, girls.
You want something from me? You sit for a while.
Obviously I'm not imparting the proper sense of urgency as to my situation.
I'm getting my ass outta town, and I'm not talking about tomorrow, now.
I appreciate the hospitality.
But I'm gonna take a raincheck.
You'll get cards in front of you, you'll play.
Damn it, Le Dick.
If I had the money for the buy in, I wouldn't be here with my hat in my hand.
18 carat gold.
"To my darling Nicholas forever.
" You don't have to read it out loud.
Oh, shit, Sax.
I just get nauseous thinking about how this is gonna go.
So stick your fingers down your throat, and let's play.
Who the hell bets a wedding band on a pair of kings? I'll tell you who.
Nick Sax.
The fluffer of the universe.
What's your favorite part of Christmas? [CRYING.]
- Sitting on Santa's lap.
- I used to like that.
- Used to? - He took me away from my mom.
I miss her.
- I miss my dad.
- We're going to get home.
- How? - I sent my friend to get help.
Blackness everywhere How's black Christmas coming for you, Pencil Dick? Bet your kids are pissed, huh? Another year without presents.
- They get presents.
Culturally significant homemade presents.
What kind of Christmas is that? Christmas is about Christmas lights, Christmas trees, Christmas presents, - buying shit.
- Christ on a cross, just play the game.
Fourth street.
I'm guessing that card hit everybody but Sax.
You know how long it took me to find a Wishee? It sold out for three months.
How much did you pay for that mass-marketed corporate product? I mean, look at it.
It's like a pink perv-a-saurus.
Used to be booze and bitches.
Now it's diapers and daycare.
You're lucky, Sax.
No nine-to-five.
No more nagging wife.
No screaming little kid relying on you to bring home the, uh, the Wishee.
- You're free.
- Yeah.
Free as a bird.
Living the high life.
Start the day off with a bottle of Jack, ending it popping a couple of 'ludes just to keep the dreams away.
In between I don't remember a goddamn thing.
You're gonna remember this, Sax.
- Goddamn deck hates me.
- Everyone hates you, Nick.
- So, did you find her? - Find who? You need to get your eyes checked, Nick.
- Check.
- Where are your balls, Sax? Oh, right.
I took them on the last pot.
Oh, I hate when they take the balls away.
I'm trying to focus here.
Get lost.
Ugh, grown-up games.
Queen of Hearts.
She's pretty.
What'd you just say? I said she's pretty.
She has a gold crown, and lipstick.
- Fold.
- Where you going, Sax? Crapper.
You wanna wipe me? Dude's losing what little he had left.
And I'm not talking about the chips.
Everyone stay cool.
We keep him here as long as Blue says.
The way you're smiling is like someone who doesn't know what smiles are for.
Those cards.
The lady.
The pretty lady with the gold crown and the lipstick.
- You can see them.
- They're not invisible, Nick.
No, but you are.
Oh, my goodness.
I have this crazy idea.
Do you wanna go get Hailey? [GASPS.]
You bet I do! More than a double scoop of coffee ice cream! Then you're gonna help me win to get money and guns so we can go get her.
Our teacher Miss Palm says it's better to lose honestly - than to win by cheating.
- Fuck Miss Wouldn't Miss Palm want you to help me get guns and money so we could go get Hailey? Uh, she'd probably send us to the Thinking Corner to come up with a creative solution to our problems.
You're right.
Just I just - Just what? - Ah, just a crazy idea.
I just thought we could be a team.
You know? Partners.
Butch and Sundance.
Gin and tonic.
- Mickey and Mallory.
- You mean Mickey and Pluto? PB and motherfucking J.
But Well Guess you don't wanna be my partner.
I'm in.
Bam! [LAUGHS.]
I'm on a winning streak, boys.
Oh, yeah.
Christmas tree is coming soon Hmm.
- Our monkey bread is done.
Mom, are you okay? Did he do anything to you? He's making me beautiful again.
- I love hearing you sing.
- I'm so excited.
Geraldine Ferraro's gonna be our first female President.
Oh, I wish I could have what you're having.
I'll be right back.
This isn't happening.
Get the fuck out of my house.
- Am I being unclear, freak? Oh, no, no.
Cops and robbers, go on.
This is fantastic.
I love this game.
The only problem is I'm sorry But the smell of your vagina is incredibly distracting in a small space.
She really is intoxicating.
Your mother.
Lovely voice.
Real talented.
Don't you talk about her.
I bet and I probably shouldn't be saying this, because it was a time before people became stars from sex tapes, but I think she could have been really big.
If not for her awkward little daughter.
Playing with guns when the other girls were playing with boys.
She threw it all away to raise a flat-chested little brat.
And this is what she gets.
It took me hours to get the mats out of her hair.
When was the last time you brushed her? - I will shoot you in the head.
- Mmm.
- Oh, you think I won't? - [LAUGHS.]
I clean up her shit three times a day.
I have no problems cleaning your brains up off this ceiling.
Now you listen to me closely.
The sooner you do what you agreed to do, the sooner I can get out of this piss-smelling geriatric nightmare.
Your ex-fucker has resurfaced.
You are going to bring him in.
And I am gonna get what Blue wants from him.
Like you did last time? [LAUGHS.]
I have to get back to the makeover.
Jessica! Time for the mask to come off.
Will you look at that? Winner, winner, chicken dinner! - [LAUGHS.]
- Some heater you're on, Nicky.
Yeah, you know what they say.
Even a clock gets a broken face twice a day.
- That is a thing, right? - You've never been lucky.
Not your whole life.
The hell angle you running? Well, if you promise to keep a secret I got a little blue horse that's on the top of your hat with wings telling me your hand.
Two and a five.
Not even the same color.
This hand stinks worse than that coat you're wearing, Nick.
Come on, Le Dick.
You trying to bluff me? [GRUNTS.]
Well, it's been a pleasure, ladies.
Sit down.
- You are not going anywhere.
- I got appointments to keep.
People to see.
And besides, I got all the cash that I need.
But I will need that band right there.
And I'm happy to pay you your own money for it.
Talk about your sore losers.
You're not going anywhere.
Not till you and Blue figure your shit out.
Well, well, well.
The plot sickens.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate with you bouncing off the ceiling? It's like kissing God! It's like kissing God! [SCREAMING AND LAUGHING.]
I'm everything and nothing! I'm everything and nothing! Sucks on that like he knows what he's doing.
You didn't think we kept you around here all this time because you're so fun to be around, - did you? - Oh.
Sad face emoji.
I expected more from you, Le Dick.
- I thought we were friends.
- No.
No friends here, Sax.
Only got one ass, - and Blue is all the way up it.
- What? No.
Come on, Nick.
Let's Let's play some more.
Let's clean these donkeys out.
- Game's over, pal.
- Afraid so.
What do you mean, over? Look at all this cold, hard lettuce.
- We hit the jackpot.
- My God.
Look at yourself.
What would Miss Palm say? Do you even know where you are right now? Hmm.
But I do have a confession for you, boys.
- I did cheat.
- I knew it.
You are the worst poker player ever, Sax.
I don't deny it.
I mean, I think we all know that there's only one thing I've ever been any good at.
Merry Christmas.
- Mousy! [GUNFIRE.]
Like you said, Nicky.
We're friends, right? Take the money.
Take the guns.
Consider yourself debt free! Well, I'm taking the money.
And the guns.
And your shitty car.
Aren't we forgetting something? Oh, yeah.
The, uh On your, uh Yeah.
Don't worry, Frenchie.
I'll help you with that.
Welcome back down.
Where are we going? - This way.
- Oh.
The city's back that way.
Hailey's back that way.
You You said we were partners.
PB and J.
We had a deal.
Never shook on it.
I'm grabbing pancakes, and then I'm driving ever westward.
Stay, go.
Entirely up to you.
He's the strongest man in the world.
And fast.
He'll catch you.
If you're hiding, he knows where to find you.
- Wow.
- My dad's coming.
He's a hero.
He's gonna find Santa, and he's gonna put him in jail forever.
What is Santa finds your daddy first? Just run an APB.
And if he surfaces, you come to me first.
- I wanna see McCarthy.
- Ma'am, I'm not gonna - tell you again.
- It's all right.
I need your help.
How can I help you? Someone kidnapped my daughter.
I'm sorry to hear that.
But this is Homicide.
- I'm Homicide.
- I know.
I need to find Nick.
I haven't seen Nick in ten years.
Wouldn't even begin to know where to look.
Someone took Hailey.
And nobody in this place wants to do anything about it.
You owe me.
I'll introduce you to a wonderful detective in Missing Persons and they'll be able to help you.
But to be clear I don't owe you anything at all.
Hailey Bailey! You almost done with your No.
That's all she knows.
One picture.
And from it, she She made up a hero.
But you're no hero, are you, Nick? What I've been trying to tell you.
Look me in the eyes.
Come on, man.
Put those back on.
If only Hailey knew.
You're more imaginary than I'll ever be.
Ooh, nasty.
Wow, that stings.
You really hurt me there.
Look, you know, it's real easy to judge a guy when bullets can't hurt you.
Those assholes who were coming for me I don't know if you can understand this, but they're playing for keeps.
I can die.
Just like you.
How can you die? You're imaginary.
I die if she dies.
I saw what you did to all those bad guys, Nick.
If you can do that, you can save Hailey.
You can! But y You won't! Because you're not running from the bad guys.
You're running from her! Because that's the kind of guy you are! When I left Hailey, I was good! Like her! Now I've cheated, I've lied, I I've snorted narcotics.
A lot of narcotics.
Listen, unicorn Listen, unicorn.
This is not the imaginary world.
This is the real world.
And it's messy.
And people do a lot of things that they're not very proud of.
Ordering this breakfast, for one.
But I'm gonna soldier through.
And when I'm done, I am gonna get into that hideous automobile in front, and I'm gonna punch my ticket out of here.
Leaving this cold, filthy city and everything in it in my rearview mirror.
Ever westward, baby.
And I ain't stopping until I see that sun drop into the water.
In a city of seven million, why'd it have to be you? - It ain't me.
- Keep saying it.
Keep saying it and someday you might believe it.
That picture of you that Hailey saw was real.
You were a hero once! I I guess that's why you hate yourself.
And it's a 20% tip always, no matter the service.
Nick, they live on tips.
Come on, Nick.
Everyone in our audience seems to be ahead of you on this one.
You know in your heart she's yours, don't you, Nick? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I didn't even know you were still on the air.
If you run away, Nick, you're never gonna stop.
And eventually, you're gonna die miserable and alone and filled with regret.
You do still process regret, don't you, Nick? AUDIENCE: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! [BOXING BELL RINGS.]
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! [CHANTING CONTINUES.]
Get in.
I'm not going ever westward, Nick.
Neither am I.
Come on.
Let's go find this kid.
- Partners? - Don't push it.