Happy! (2017) s01e06 Episode Script

The Scrapyard of Childish Things

1 Previously on "Happy" - You're not real.
- I'm Hailey's imaginary friend.
I have never seen a room of young faces in such dire need of correction.
I need to know who killed my Mikey.
You have an enemy in your house.
Who killed your son.
Mikey is not with them.
[BREATHES HEAVILY.]
Hey, Amanda.
She's my daughter.
Look at the dumpster fire that your life has become, and ask yourself how I could rely on you.
Get out.
What're you doing? Get off the tracks.
You were the one with her when she was kidnapped.
If you want me to go, fine.
Music to my ears, bye-bye.
Good-bye, partner.
Happy.
Ah shit, I killed my kid's imaginary friend.
She's one of my best men.
Blue! Blue? Shit's just getting weirder and weirder.
[STAMMERING.]
My name is Happy.
I'm an imaginary friend.
And no one believes in me.
ALL: We believe in you.
[SIGHS.]
Sorry, I just I never thought I'd end up somewhere like this.
No offense.
None of us did, little fellow.
The thing to remember is This wasn't your fault.
Right, well, that's nice.
You're all very nice.
But it is my fault.
She believed in me and I failed, I Look at me, I'm fading away, I My color, my coat.
I used to be as blue as a blueberry snow cone and now I You're still very blue.
Ah, there are millions of IFs out there just like you, Happy.
Waiting for the moment our young friends stop believing completely.
And we blink out of existence.
I knew this day would come, I just I didn't think it would be so soon.
We have to learn to let go, whenever they let go.
That's what it means to be an IF.
Now or later, we're destined for nothingness.
There's so much more for Hailey and I to do.
There's so many games, I Aw.
Her first date.
- Hah! - Peep.
Something you'd like to share? Why, yes.
It's not monsters under the bed, it's penises.
Great, big, nasty penises.
Also, fuck Judy Blume.
Two weeks with those books, now my friend's knocked up and her water's breaking in Algebra I.
[HIGH-PITCHED SOBBING.]
Was it "Freckle Juice"? [MARSHMALLOW PLOPS.]
Hello, friend.
Just one marshmallow? They're free, you know.
I only deserve one.
And only because it's not hot chocolate without it.
You know, you showed real vulnerability in there.
- I'm proud of you.
- Smoke? After all the cocaine I had this week, I don't think so.
Well, don't look so glum.
The world is losing its imagination, Happy.
There were times I felt we were all that's left.
A dying breed.
But then, I found a new friend.
A a new friend? Yep, with enough belief for a hundred of us.
You're not, like, one of those guys in the bowties that rings the doorbell, are you? [SNORTS.]
Not at all.
I can't promise you sweeter pastures than the hereafter.
But I will say, if you need some warm straw to sleep on, so to speak, you're welcome to stay with us till you get back on your hooves.
Oh, I couldn't intrude.
Nonsense.
No trouble at all.
That is, unless you got somewhere better to go.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC.]
God damn it, they say that if the bullet don't get you, the fall will.
But in your case, not so much, huh? Just kinda scrambled your eggs real good, right? Still can't believe that I didn't hit any vital organs.
All right, maybe there's still something rattling around in there.
Now listen to me.
Get your hands off that, and listen.
Now, when I shot you, you were trying to give me a password.
Right? - Blue.
- So I yeah.
Now, I didn't want the password.
I couldn't give two shits, but now circumstances have changed.
- So, I want it, right? - Blue.
Yeah, so I need you to dig down deep inside, and just come on up with that password, pal.
I know you got it in you.
So just give it to me.
You son of a I justified breaking the bones of a handicap.
Now you're gonna give me that password.
[GAGS.]
Jesus Christ! ["JINGLE BELLS" PLAYING.]
Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas.
Ho ho ho ho.
Ho ho ho ho ho.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, jeez, look at that shit.
Ho ho ho ho ho.
Merry Christmas.
Ho ho ho ho ho.
[BABBLES.]
Put your leg in the pant hole, or I'll cut it off and stuff it in there for you.
Pardon me.
May the church be of service? Ah, Father, thank God you're here.
I ah, this poor soul is an immigrant.
Uh, barely speaks English, uh [STAMMERS.]
and he's looking for sanctuary.
- Blue.
- Yeah, poor little kitten.
He fell out a window.
Kinda cracked his melon, you know, so [GROANS.]
mentally he's [WHISTLES.]
Not all there.
Bless you, my chi Yeah, and, uh, I mean, you know what the state of affairs is these days - for illegals.
- Excuse me? I have my green card.
Yeah, well, look, I don't care which strings the Vatican pulled for you.
I'm glad you're here, but you know, the kid here There's some not nice people looking for him.
And I'm not talking about immigration, either, so I mean, you know, his only hope is to to find sanctuary here.
You are all God's children under this roof, but You're goddamned right.
I say that all the time.
And if I had a dime every time that came out of me, I'd Eh, it doesn't but anyway, so what you could do for me is, uh, maybe babysit him, for a while.
Uh, while I run a an Old Testament type errand, if you know what I mean.
Yeah, I look, I know how this looks.
It may seem, like, a bit extreme, a little San Quentin Old Sparky.
"Mama! I'm coming to you.
" Oh, that's serious stuff, but It's not, he likes it.
It's very, uh, kinda safe and secure, like a newborn baby, being swaddled.
Because trust me, I mean, you don't do it, and this kid before you know it, he'll be running naked outside into the street through your doors, and I think you and I can agree that church doesn't need a scandal like that on its hands, right? I suppose it's for his own safety.
Ah, his own safety! Move your fucking leg.
Blue.
All right there, uh, then, Mikey, we'll see you later.
Take care, buddy.
I'll be back for you soon.
[WHISPERS.]
Blue.
All right.
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
How's that working out for you? Prayer? Well, talking to things that ain't there, you know.
Does He ever talk back? Every day.
No matter how dark it gets, He finds a way to show His light.
Man, I used to have one of those.
How long will you be? Long enough to extract my pound of flesh.
Blue.
[MENACING INSTRUMENTAL OF "DECK THE HALLS".]
[SINGS ALONG.]
Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la La Hark! The herald angels sing Glory to the newborn King Peace on earth, and mercy mild God and sinners reconciled [GASPS.]
There's Gerry.
- Where? - There.
The beard.
He's a wise man.
[LAUGHS.]
Isn't he supposed to be Oriental? He's been rehearsing every day.
All he wants is a little attention from his father.
- Me too.
- [GRUNTS.]
Play nice.
Wouldn't wanna have to blow a big hole in some innocent soccer mom.
Here he comes.
[OMINOUS MUSIC OVERPOWERS CHILDREN'S SINGING.]
You've been a very, very bad boy this Christmas season, you know that? CHILDREN: We three kings of Orient are Bearing gifts We traverse afar Yeah.
I know all about you and shit-stain Santa bagging and tagging kids.
Now, you know that kind of behavior will land you right at the top of the naughty list, right? - Shh.
- Shh! What you obviously don't know Because you would've already tried to leverage it against me One of those kids is mine.
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
Yeah, I'm gonna let that one land.
Or maybe you're just lying.
Maybe I'm just lying, but then I'd have to be playing you.
And I think if you look at my face, I'm not playing.
Nicholas.
I've seen decomposing cats that had better lives than you.
Shh.
They're very good.
Very good, aren't they? Of Orient are bearing gifts Now, you have Hailey.
So you're gonna make a call, and you're gonna deliver her to me.
- Tonight.
- Am I? - Shh.
- Shh! You are.
Here's how it's gonna go down.
Midnight tonight, your house, your lovely missus, and rat boy up there on stage, will both be home when I show up.
That's the way I know we both got family on the line.
And that way I know it's all gonna go down nice and clean and simple.
Like ten cents for a cup of lemonade.
- Is that right? - That is right.
So what's my ten cents? How's that? Well, the girl is the cup of lemonade, so, what's my ten cents? [APPLAUSE.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
Everything you say in here is confidential.
The only one listening is God.
Blue.
As the Book of John tells us We are not to live in shame over what we once were, but to celebrate the grace of God, that by the death of Jesus, regenerates us - and cleanses us from our - Peccatorum.
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
That's right.
Our sins.
- You know Latin? - [GROANS SOFTLY.]
And are you prepared to confess your sins? Siciliam sanguis.
Tell me everything, my son.
[UPBEAT PIANO PLAYING "WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS".]
Best news ever all day.
So it seems that somebody's father used to be a policeman.
[SLAMS DRAWER.]
Not a very good policeman.
Not a very smart one.
But a big, stinky, sweaty pig.
Does that ring a bell for anybody? No? Great.
This is gonna be fun.
Everybody please put your hands out on the desk.
Yeah.
Hands out, flat.
There we go, hands out.
Ow.
Ooh, Hailey.
Hailey.
Whoever it is should say so.
You'll get us all in trouble.
No one likes a snitch.
[WHISPERS.]
Don't ever step on my scene.
So if Hailey steps forward right now she gets to go home.
This is a limited time offer.
Hmm.
Do you understand? Me.
I'm Hailey.
Oh.
Look at you.
You must get teased a lot.
You look like Little Orphan Annie on mood suppressants.
But you're not an orphan, are you? - No.
- Right.
Takes one to know one.
So all you have to do is answer a simple question and you're free to go.
Sound good? [OMINOUS MUSIC.]
Excellent.
Hailey, what is your father's name? Nick! My dad's name is Nick.
Leave her alone.
I saw it in your eyes.
Right from the start.
Hailey.
I'm afraid I have some awful news.
Your father is dead.
[SOMBER PIANO PLAYS "SILENT NIGHT".]
That's right.
Nick Sax has gone off to the big Assholes Anonymous meeting in the sky.
All your dreams of tickle fights and shoulder rides Poof! There's no white knight coming to save you.
No happily ever after.
This is the real world.
The scrap yard of childish things.
Mmm.
Hailey.
[THUMPS.]
Hey, now, I know what you're thinking.
Hailey's gone and forgotten about you.
But what did I tell everyone in the group tonight? Our lives are connected by a thousand invisible threads.
And along these sympathetic fibers, our actions run as causes and return to us as results.
That means nothing in life is by chance.
Nothing is coincidence.
Fate is real.
Let that thought give you some measure of comfort in the coming hours and days.
I don't understand any of what you just said.
But it did sound nice.
Have faith.
I don't want to speak too soon, but once you meet my friend, you may have found your future.
Hailey is the only real friend I've ever known.
I tried making another one, but it didn't work out so good.
[DISTANT WHIMPERING.]
Di did you hear that? Uh, no, I didn't.
But, you know what I do hear? [CAR LOCK BEEPING.]
He's home.
He's home.
For the love of God, woman, shut up! [WHIMSICAL MUSIC.]
Blue.
Blue.
Blue.
Ascolta la mia parola.
Ascolta [SOLEMN VIOLIN MUSIC.]
Blue.
[ASSUNTA CHANTING IN THE DISTANCE.]
ASSUNTA: Ti amo.
[PANTING.]
- Gerry, this is Happy.
- Happy? The happy horse, horse, horse so full of fun You don't need to sing the song.
Oh, I'm sorry.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Well, I'm very pleased to meet you.
I've heard so many You like to play games, Happy? Uh, games? I I know literally a bajillion games.
What games do you have in mind? - [LAUGHS MENACINGLY.]
- [WHIMPERS AND CRIES.]
- Where is he? - I didn't see.
I didn't see.
[MUMBLES.]
God conceals from men the happiness of death.
[WHIMPERS.]
What the hell does that mean? I bet if he were a 12-year-old boy, you wouldn't have lost track of him.
What a nut job.
Ho ho ho ho ho, Merry Christmas.
Ho ho ho ho ho.
Ho ho ho ho ho, Merry Christmas.
Ho ho ho ho ho.
Ho ho ho ho ho, Merry Christmas.
I thought roulette had a spinning wheel with a ball.
This is the Russian kind.
Pick it up, point it at your head, pull the trigger.
Uh, guns are dumb.
They make people numb.
- And you don't need a - Pick it up! But why, Raspberry? I thought we were friends.
But you had no friends, Happy.
I thought we'd established that.
You've lost Hailey, haven't you? - Pick it up! - What's left to lose? Pick it up.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Come on, Happy.
- Do it.
- Pull the trigger.
Do it! Lame.
Give the gun to Captain Pancake.
No, please.
I don't wanna die.
Give pancake the gun.
Ooh, look, Gerry, his hands are too wittle to hold a revolver.
[LAUGHS.]
[ESCALATING SCREAM.]
[SHRIEKS.]
Ugh.
No! Ah! - [TIRES SQUEALING.]
- No.
Mom, back.
Brought your new pills.
It says, "Avoid taking with milk.
" Shh, shh, shh.
[WHISPERS.]
She's sleeping.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
I knew your father very well.
He was a top man.
A reliable man.
I used to think there was some of him in you.
But this girl that stands before me would be such a bitter disappointment to him.
Nick Sax has a kid.
You knew this, and you kept it from me.
Until a few hours ago, I had no idea kids were a part of your ever-expanding portfolio.
If you found toenail clippings that you even thought may have come from Sax, you should've let me know.
From here on out, you'll be the first person I think of when it comes to child trafficking.
You're done.
We had a deal.
I deliver Sax, and I never have to see you again.
On the bright side, you get to spend Christmas with your mother.
Enjoy.
After all, she may not have that long.
Shh.
[FOREBODING MUSIC.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Ah! You bleached whore.
I'll put a curse on you.
Pshoo.
Some thanks, I thought this thing was gonna attack.
Hey, Isa.
This strega of yours is tracking cat hair all over the house.
My fur has fur.
[GUFFAWS.]
That sauce smells interesting.
Hey, blondie, why don't you go see if it needs something? Hey, bitch, I'm not gonna be trying the sauce.
Why? You don't want mommy's menstrual marinara? Real talk? It's not bad.
I can't take any more of this! You running your fat, Botoxed cannoli holes like it's any other day.
We're talking about my son.
My angel.
Bambino prezioso.
Mio figlio.
Can't you understand? This is not some show.
This is reality.
Sweetheart, you got a hundred-year-old witch menstruating into a red sauce to bring your bambino back from the dead.
We ain't even in the same zip code as reality.
Says the pot to the kettle.
Like those things are real? Yeah, I've gotta go with the ladies on this one, Isa.
This is starting to scream "buzzkill.
" Maybe we should move on to [POUNDING ON DOOR.]
He comes.
He comes.
[LIVELY MUSIC.]
Holy shit.
Blue.
Ah! [GLASS BREAKS.]
Told you this sauce wasn't bad.
My boy.
[GARAGE DOOR SCREECHING.]
You son of a bitch.
Yeah, things got a little, uh, upside down last time.
A little upside down? Well, I think we can both agree that things were said and done that, uh, we both regret.
Oh, yeah.
I got regrets.
Yeah, hey, case in point.
My bad.
Damn it, Sax.
There is such a thing as a code.
Ah, no, no, no.
Now don't start with the honor among scumbags shit.
Oh, yeah.
I'm a scumbag.
We're all scumbags.
But honor honor, Sax.
You said it.
Do you even know what it means? - I think so.
- No.
- No, you don't.
- Okay.
It's something you stand by.
Something you live for.
Other than your own stinking skin.
My own stinking skin? You mean, the skin that you were gonna hand over to Blue? Hand over to Blue.
You killed us.
You killed your friends.
Technically they're your friends.
Ah, no, no.
You cut off my finger.
I just apologized, Le dick.
There it is.
I'm just a joke to you.
Le dick, Le dick, hardy har har.
You know I ain't got much, I admit that.
But it's more than you got, which is nothing.
And and, no one.
So wait Now you're getting personal.
All you had to do was give me my stuff and none of this would've happened.
Ah, that's right.
Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.
That's Nick Sax in a fucking ball sack.
Le Dic, here's the truth.
I got a [SOFT MUSIC.]
There's a kid out there.
A gir She needs my help.
I can help her.
Do you understand? This is not about me.
I can save her.
I mean, maybe this is the moment that I can stand for something other than just my own skin.
I don't have to just bring chaos and destruction and violence wherever I touch.
And all I need in order to do that is just an itsy bitsy smidge of C4.
Oh.
Good.
So you honestly are pretending you're some kind of a hero? Seriously? 'Cause You don't save things, Sax.
You kill things.
I can do with the dynamite, if that's easier on the bottom line.
Come on, work with me here.
Hey hey, I could pay you.
I could pay you.
Hey, what? What's that? My own money.
You made me play.
Come on.
Lock up on your way out.
Merry Christmas.
[FUNKY MUSIC.]
What happened to you? Picked you up at one of the meetings, huh? Raspberry? He said he was my friend.
That's what he does.
Preys on us at our most vulnerable.
Promises a new life, something to fill the emptiness.
Warm straw to sleep on.
Get off on torture, them two him and the boy.
When they're done, they pin you up here until they settle on killing you, or your friend stops needing you.
And and you just blink away.
[GRUNTS.]
No, it's no use.
I'm a goner.
[SWEEPING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC.]
Like sand through an hourglass.
Listen, kid, if you make it out of here, tell Jamie Sue, Goose the Toad died thinking of her.
- Okay.
- Now, kiss me.
I see lily pads.
[GROWLING.]
Ah! [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
- [BARKING.]
- [LAUGHING MALICIOUSLY.]
- [GROANS.]
- Yo! [LAUGHS MENACINGLY.]
Ow, ow, ow! [SHRIEKS.]
Ow! [WHIMPERS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
[PENSIVE MUSIC.]
I'm sorry about your dad.
You were right.
Nobody's coming to rescue us.
Can't count on anyone but us.
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
I've got a plan.
It leads outside.
And it's not locked.
We split up.
Once we're outside, there's no way they can catch us all.
What a great idea.
Then we can all end up like your dad.
I know you're scared.
I am too.
But if we stay here, nothing good happens.
The door is locked.
Well, I guess that settles it.
[FOREBODING MUSIC.]
Coming through.
Follow me.
Come on, let's go.
Quick.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
- Shh.
Quiet.
- What? What is this? Hailey.
What do we do? [OMINOUS MUSIC.]
Who told you you could leave your seats? Ugh, first it was Grandma duty, and now this.
Listen, I'm not allowed to kill you.
You're gifts, okay? You've been promised.
But that doesn't mean I can't hurt you.
It'll be like going to the dentist.
Only so much worse.
[ALARM BLARING.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Run! Go! Split up.
[HONKING.]
[FESTIVE TRUMPET MUSIC EMITS FROM CAR.]
[CONTINUES HONKING.]
Did I wake you? Nicholas.
I see your better half is in residence, like we discussed.
Where's your kid? Oh, he's here.
Yeah, he is, isn't he? You wouldn't hesitate for a second to put your kid in the line of fire to get what you want, would you? Mm.
Oh, Sax the high and mighty.
Yeah.
Well, it doesn't quite suit you, so why don't we get down to business? Where's Hailey? Where's Mikey? In the trunk.
Gentleman, open the trunk.
Aw! No, no, no.
Now, Blue, I'm shocked.
Stop it.
All right, so I'm not so shocked.
You know, I kinda thought that we would have company, so I bought Mikey a whole new set of duds.
Just for the occasion.
Including a bomb vest.
Anyone wanna guess what this is then? Anybody? It's my own design.
You didn't know I was this handy, did you? No I let go of my finger, and well, there goes the neighborhood.
Including your precious password, and if you gave two shits, your wife and kid.
Now [FOREBODING MUSIC.]
somebody's gonna bring my daughter to me right the fuck now.
My hand is getting awful crampy.
Mikey is not in the trunk, Nick.
Well, I'm not sure what could possibly make you say that.
Aw, fuck.
I warned you.
Ah, come on.
[THUMPING FROM CAR.]
[GROANS.]
Okay.
You, you, and you kill him.
I'm gonna go welcome my nephew back.
No, no, no not in front of the Homeowner's Association.
In the garage.
I mean, that could have gonna a little better, right? - [TASER BUZZES.]
- [SHRIEKS.]
[MOANING.]
Ah! There, there, Happy.
This is only gonna hurt a teensy bit.
[SHRIEKS.]
Wow.
That taser will sure clear those sinuses out.
You had a pretty decent run.
More like a hobble.
Shut up.
Now, look, I know you guys got a job to do.
No, no, no, no.
You take a moment, buddy.
I mean, you only die once.
Are you fucking kidding me? This is Nick Sax.
Well, thank you.
Just Sometimes life just comes at you.
Like a guy with a crowbar.
Ah! Or a truck with its high beams on.
You turn your head, the light's in your face, and you say to yourself, "How the hell did I miss that?" Shut up.
Where are the tarps? You're gonna spend all day cleaning up your boss' garage? Repainting it? Grab some tarps, for crying out loud.
Where was I? It's just that I've been taking stock of things.
A lot, lately.
It's moments like these when you finally get it.
Right when you're about to get it.
You got it.
Irony.
That's what they call it The irony of life.
It's just People try to tell you about it, but do you listen? No.
And then it's too late.
Bam! Like an axe.
Right between the eyes.
[STIRRING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC.]
I've broken every oath, every promise, every code.
I've failed People I've never even met.
I mean, hell, the only thing that still even believes in me is my kid's imaginary friend.
[CHUCKLES.]
All I can tell you is I'm kneeling here needing to take a piss and all I can think is, I would love to see that little blue hemorrhoid yapping and flapping right in front of me.
Nick? Nick! I'm here.
- Nick! - Ooh, how sweet.
He's talking to things that ain't there.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[GROANS.]
Argh! [GRUNTS.]
[ALL BARK AND WHIMPER.]
Fate is real.
Now you.
Daddy! [HUMMING.]
[GASPS.]
Jeez.
Mom, what're you doing up? You all right? Okay.
Let's get you back to bed.
Your father I need to say this or I won't get it out.
You're taking your meds, Ma? One day, some men showed up, said they wanted to see the baby, to to see you.
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
They stood over the crib.
I asked if they had babies.
And one of them put his hand on you.
Right on your little bald head.
"No, I haven't been blessed.
" And then he said if Daddy didn't play along, I would know what it was like.
Not to be blessed.
When your Dad found out, he was furious.
He [STAMMERING.]
He wanted to take us away to somewhere they wouldn't find us.
We argued in the driveway.
And then he drove off to turn in his badge and his gun.
That's the last time I saw him alive.
- Mom.
- Mm.
Oh, God, I'm thirsty.
Meredith [SIGHS.]
it's time to stop protecting me.
Ma, I've made some bad calls in my time, but choosing to protect you wasn't one of them.
Mm.
Maybe so, but now it's time for me to protect you.
Okay? Okay.
Those men that came to threaten you in your crib One was that man tonight.
Blue? [FOREBODING MUSIC.]
The man tonight? Ma? Oh, my God.
- [GLASS SMASHING.]
- Mom? Mom.
Ma.
Mom.
Come on, Ma.
All right, boys.
Off with the safeties.
Shut up.
Hey, Sax, Sax, uh, you mind if I you know.
Commemorate the moment? Yeah, yeah, I mean, you're a living legend.
Well, not for long.
But, uh come on, you know what I mean.
Yeah, go ahead.
Knock yourself out.
Okay, great.
Give me the gun.
Give me the gun.
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
All right.
Here we go.
- Three, two - Daddy! - [SCREAMS.]
- Gerry! [SHRIEKS.]
- Happy.
- Nick.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
[CHAINSAW BUZZING.]
[SCREAMS.]
Oh, Hap, what happened to you? [SLOWLY.]
I'm cold, Nick.
What'd you do to him, you monster? Now, you listen to me, you little blue jackass, the Sax family crest is two lions holding a banner reading, "Death before intimacy.
" What I'm about to say is very difficult and I'm only gonna say it once.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
I believe in you.
Are you saying what I think you're saying? What I'm saying is if you're alive, that means Hailey's alive.
So you get your imaginary shit together, 'cause you and me, we've got a job to finish.
[RICHARD HELL'S "BLANK GENERATION" PLAYS.]