Happy! (2017) s02e01 Episode Script

The War on Easter

1 Previously, on "Happy!" - You can see me! - What the hell? I ain't your imaginary friend.
I don't even want to think about what that would look like.
I'm Hailey's imaginary friend.
- Got you! - It's really you.
Sonny Shine.
- Where is she? - You should stop by my town.
I can't speak to her frame of mind.
This is evil.
They can't get away with this.
They can, but not forever.
If Mikey gave Orcus to Blue, all is lost.
Yes, yes, that's why we must stop him.
I'm hungry.
- Why do you have to go? - You're growing up.
You'll forget all about that silly horse.
See, the thing about imaginary friends is we're kind of supposed to help out the person who needs us the most.
Here it comes.
- Yeah, it is.
- Here comes the fun! - Oh, boy, here it goes.
- Are you ready? Please, please help.
Dear God.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
I place myself in the word of your God.
Don't be afraid.
Heaven waits for us.
We'll all die together.
7:00 AM, waking up in the morning Got to be fresh, got to go downstairs Got to have my bowl, got to have cereal The time is going Top of the morning to you, partner! Oh, fuck off.
We're getting our act together, Nick.
No more drinking, no more illegal narcotics.
No more whoring.
Right.
And most of all, no more filling chumps full of hot lead.
Boy, Nick, your breath sure is fresh.
I don't miss the old us at all, Nick.
You're doing super, and Hailey's going to be so proud of you.
- I'm walking here! - Move! - I'm walking here! - Get out of the way! Hey, up yours, buddy! I'm Deandra, and I'm, um uh uh, I'm a I'm I'm Let 'er rip, sis! You're only as sick as your secrets.
- That's what I always say.
- Uh Nick, bear claw! Are you even signed up? He's just here for the coffee.
This place is depressing, Nick.
I'm so glad you've evolved into such a total Zen wizard master of your darker impulses.
Evolved, huh? You're goddamn right.
Evolved.
So thirsty.
I'm thirsty.
So, so thirsty.
Now, Nick, you promised.
You've been coming down with a cold for two months, Nick.
It's why I need the good stuff, Hap.
What you need is a big glass of OJ, a bowl of chicken soup, and a nice, warm blanket.
OJ did it.
Don't you read the news? Okay, we're good.
Bike lane, moron! Dickhead! Your imagination is a pretty F'd up place to live, Nick.
You know that, right? Oh! Hallelujah, my little blue asshole.
Guess what time it is? - Meat tenderizer.
- What? Powdered form right there in the herbs and spices section.
Gets the blood right out of cotton underwear.
- You're kidding on me, Nicki! - I stand before you shitless.
Seasoned or unseasoned? Depends on how spicy you like it down there.
What's wrong with your kid? What's wrong with your face? All right, till next time.
Be well, be safe.
And remember to lock down them stroller wheels, huh? Hey, kiddo.
Um, 3:00.
You ready to The teacher wants to talk to you.
What did I do? - Ms.
Palm.
- Please, have a seat.
I've heard so much about you.
But if I'd known we were meeting, I'd have brought an apple.
Well, I'll get right to the point.
- Good.
- We all understand that Hailey has been through a very traumatic experience.
Well, I took care of that You're doing the thing.
Uh, surely, as a former police officer, you understand it's not that simple.
The last two months have seen a series of incidents School property broken, a campaign of psychological harassment against the staff Psychological harassment? Hailey would never do anything like that! Shut your nozzle.
I know, you know, my daughter, I mean, she would never do nothing like that.
You know, I've met Ms.
Hansen.
- Well? - I can't imagine where Hailey could have acquired this anti-authoritarian attitude.
Maybe the problem here is that she's not being offered A proper creative outlet.
- A creative outlet? - Hey, take me for example.
I had my issues at school.
And if it hadn't been for extracurricular activities Whoo! Who knows how I would have wound up? I understand you've had a change of employment recently.
What's that have to do with the price of ass in Pittsburgh? - Dad.
- Instability in the home can lead to changes in a child's behavior.
Instability? What are you talking about? I drive a cab.
There's nothing more stable than that.
- That's a good job, right? - Wow.
I haven't taken an actual cab in years.
- I mean, do you mean Uber? - Yeah.
What? What's Uber? - Oh, God.
- Who asked you? It's an app! I knew that.
I am not going to sit here and tolerate someone casting aspersions on my daughter.
I don't suppose you have any evidence to back up these wild claims? Would you, uh, care to review the security camera tapes with me? They're HD.
- I know your kind.
- Dad, no.
I've been fighting you my whole life.
With your Birkenstocks, avocado toast, five college degrees that ain't worth the "paper du toilette" that they're printed on.
Looking down your nose at us poor slobs like Queen Shit on Dick Mountain.
Well, let me tell you something.
If that's the way it's going to be around here, then screw this school, because she's better off someplace else.
And do you know what the real crime is here? Do you know what makes me want to fall to my knees and weep? You let down your hair, you put on a little bit of lipstick, you wouldn't be half bad.
Nick! Sensitivity.
This meeting was intended as a wake-up call, but taking into account her situation, perhaps Hailey needs more attention and help than we're equipped to provide.
What kind of frame job is this? Dad, I did it.
I did it.
I broke the windows.
I did the psychological harassment.
It was me.
Every kid's got problems.
And we need to learn to solve those problems constructively, using sensible, adult techniques like discussion, negotiation, compromise.
Compromise? Let's face it.
Easter sucks.
Dude, you got the IP, don't get me wrong.
Jesus H.
Christ, resurrected from the dead.
I it don't get sexier than that.
But what have you done with it? Colored eggs? The Easter bunny? I mean, I like marshmallow Peeps as much as the next guy.
I I ate a whole bag on the flight out.
But come on! Easter, it's the Alzheimer's-ravaged mother-in-law of holidays.
Tolerated, not celebrated.
That's why I'm here.
I'm sure you're familiar with my work, my legacy.
My status as beloved global icon to children of all ages.
What I'm offering you today is a chance to be a part of the biggest holiday re-branding of all time.
I'm talking four quadrants.
I'm talking mass marketing.
Walmart wars.
Easter presents, Easter carols.
Chocolate Wishies instead of those horny Pagan fertility bunnies.
A multi-trillion dollar holiday bonanza to rival Christmas itself! Nuns exploding on 5th Avenue.
Tragic, yes, but this can work to our advantage.
Everyone's talking about Easter for the first time since Mel Gibson struck box office gold telling your story.
The war on Easter is real, and we can win it! We're going to Make Easter Great Again for the first time.
Now I can do it with or without you.
And it's the 20-teens.
The holiday's ain't just for believers anymore.
But I'm here, at your feet.
I want you on board, big fella.
I want your brand front and center for the big rollout, starting quarterback for Team Sonny.
What do you say, Pope Daddy? I like it.
No, no.
Tired.
Wow.
Just, wow.
Little Blues.
You were amazing last night.
Look, it's Blue rat, like in movie.
You know you are a dead man, Blue rat.
I just hope it's me who gets I ain't no rat, you Bolshevik asshole! Get off! What is that? What is what is that? A present from the Bug.
Sonny Ooh, Sonny Shine Amanda, are you all right? I'm sorry, Doctor, I'm fine.
It's just is there something else we can put on? Why? Kids love Sonny.
Hey, right? Huh, huh, see? Sonny, Sonny, Sonny, rock and roll Rock and roll - Rock and roll - I'm sorry.
Okay, I got this.
Well, here she is, safe and sound.
What happened? I told you she was good, Nick.
You know how you're always saying we got a one-in-a-million kid, and you're not getting any argument from me.
Kid's got a personality like she's a superstar, brightest star in the sky, and sometimes, the other stars, you know, who ain't so bright, they may feel a little intimidated.
Ms.
Palm wanted to talk to you or dad.
- She got Dad.
- Oh.
Our little Hailey got singled out for behavior that any other kid with a backbone would have This Ms.
Palm character.
I mean, she presents us with all these trumped-up charges, totally unsubstantiated, and I step forward, like, you know, any good father would, naturally.
I mean, if you're looking for someone to blame I don't have to look very far.
No, no.
Tell her, tell her.
Dad got me kicked out of school.
She set off the fire alarms.
Wait for me over there.
Snitches get stitches.
You, outside.
I haven't seen Amanda this disappointed since you let me out of the pillowcase last New Year's, and your giggle pole was What happened on New Year's stays on New All right.
All right? This child's been through a nightmare, Nick.
We all have.
We're kidding ourselves if we think it hasn't affected her.
Man, she's a tough little hombre.
She's a child, Nick.
And she's seen things no child should have to see.
Maybe this is exactly what she needs.
You've noticed this place runs 40,000 a year? Boy, we must have spent a gajillion hours in here playing with all the toys, the games, the waiting for Amanda to get done with the work.
But I guess we're all grown out of that stuff, aren't we? You know, I thought about trying the whole nun thing once The vows, the habit.
- I thought you were Jewish.
- Well, that's the thing.
I'd like to see you stick to a vow of celibacy.
So you said you were drugged, and when you woke up, you were fitted with the latest in ISIS fashion.
Witnesses say you and your sisters were running around like headless chickens looking for something.
He told us there was a device hidden in an egg.
So you're saying this was an Easter egg hunt? - Mm, never was a fan.
- See, Christmas, they put the presents where you can find them.
- See, that's what I'm talking about.
- Yes, an Easter egg hunt.
He said he said Come on, spit it out.
The device would detonate the vest closest to it, and the others would be safe.
Oh, I see.
So you thought you were sacrificing yourself for the others.
Got us a Good Samaritan, Hubble.
Ought to canonize this one.
Funny thing is, the opposite happened.
You were saved, and the others Boosh! Guess it was your lucky day.
- No, I wanted to die.
- No one said you didn't.
Ease off, Julie Andrews.
We'll never know, on account of everyone else who was there was just power-washed off the streets by a sanitation crew.
Well, now, that's not entirely true.
No.
No, don't make me talk about him.
Come on, don't be shy.
He just blew up all your little sister sisters.
You want us to catch this son of a gun, don't you? He said he said Who said? The Bunny.
Black like licorice, and terrible, big, biting teeth Big, floppy ears, and the eye The pink bunny eye The kids will wait here until you sound the horn.
Then, the curtain drops, and they run out to the Easter meadow.
I cannot believe "Good Morning America" is blue-balling us.
I'm Scooter frickin' Sterling.
Junior, they know.
They still might come through.
The Times article had an impact, but I think you can still expect a very successful event.
Oh, that hack job? Are you kidding me? We raised over $8 million for inner-city kids last year.
They can't expect every penny to actually go to the, - you know - The kids.
- Yeah.
- Right.
The foundation does have expenses.
Damn right, it does.
Well, they did get to keep the candy.
Look, I got to go take care of something.
You can hold down the fort, right? - Yep.
- Okay.
Yeah.
You are Scooter fucking Sterling, baby.
You're about to get your D S'd.
Oh, yeah.
Very sexy lighting.
I like the mood in here.
It's getting the blood flow down to my dee-ock.
Oh, hi.
You look fantastic.
What the hell's the matter with you? Okay, you're freaked out, I get it.
Good news, that's my thing.
This is, like, a game thing we're going to play.
Okay, a little trauma play.
You're scared.
I'm strong.
A couple of ground rules for me off the bat One, I like a lot of teeth down there.
Two, my safe word is "Tallahassee.
" So, here we are.
It's so light and bright.
Right? It's time to settle down in a real family home.
Oh, this place has "family" all over it Speaking of which, state law requires me to disclose certain things about the property before we continue.
A few months before listing, this property was the site of a triple homicide.
Young couple, about your age, and their mother-in-law visiting from Boston.
- The intruder - Intruder? Was on PCP, tripping balls, dick, all of it.
He butchered them like cattle.
They were found in this open concept kitchen, which I'm sure you'll agree, is super cute.
It is nice.
Built-in coffee maker? A lot of folks might not want a property with this type of history.
But on the upside, statistically speaking, the odds of something like that ever happening again in the exact same location? Close to zero.
Well, it is a real bargain for this neighborhood.
And between you and me, I think the seller will move a little.
And like she says, a place that's been broken into once, it's not likely that Oh! The self-flushing toilets.
I I'm gonna get that taken care of.
You guys love the place.
We'll talk, yeah? I'll call you.
- Self-flushing? - Yeah.
- Wow.
- It's amazing technology.
Jesus Christ, Nick! - A little privacy here, huh? - What are you doing here? All right, you need to calm down.
Oh, oh! I can never un-see it! "Calm down," Nick? This is my job.
Are you stalking me? Oh, great, her again.
What? No.
I wouldn't call it that.
I was at the bus shelter, I looked down.
Who do I see? Mary McCarthy, realtor.
I must have been sitting on your face for ten minutes.
All right, that's it.
Out of this house.
It was you the squatter in the condo on north 6th.
I should have recognized that smell.
That was a nice place.
A little transitional for my tastes, but very nice.
- Oh, Jesus! - Oh, it's not, like, something you haven't seen before.
Don't remind me.
Please promise me you will destroy this thing by fire before contamination spreads.
Oh, there it is.
Damn it, Sax.
This is not okay.
Hey, you can't screw this up for me.
I got Hailey a couple days a month.
Man, I just need a place where she can sleep in a nice bed that's clean.
You know, someplace normal.
How's a guy like me supposed to afford a place like that? Your problem was never making money.
It was drinking it and snorting it.
Yeah, well, you're looking at the new Nick Sax.
I'm clean.
Ish.
Six weeks.
- Sax.
- Yeah.
Not so high and mighty now, are we? I just want her to be proud of me, Mar.
I'm getting back on my feet.
I'll clean up before I go.
Do you ever think about what happened? Oh, that.
Why would I? We won.
- Did we? - Well, you know.
Hailey's had her ups and downs, but she's all right, and she's way more than I deserve.
So yeah, we did.
You ever think about going after Sonny Shine? Nick, you don't seriously believe that Sonny Shine had anything to do with Moved on, Mar.
The way I look at it, the world is full of cockroaches.
That's more the rule than the exception.
So you squash one.
What the hell does that get you? Thousands more just like them behind every wall, even these.
- This really is a new you.
- Yeah.
How about you? Oh, well, you can see I've moved on.
Yeah.
I find that outfit, um hot, strangely.
I don't know.
I don't know.
You know what I don't understand, though? Why didn't you put up more of a fight for your badge? There's no fight when the fix is in, Sax.
You know that.
Blue had half the department on the take when he went down.
Somehow, IA concludes I'm the only rotten banana of the bunch? One way to look at it.
"You had it coming" is another.
So that's it, huh? Keep our heads down.
Take it day by day.
Hope trouble doesn't come looking for us.
Sure.
It seems like neither one of us was cut out to be a cop.
Your cookies suck.
You got shit on your face.
Sonny's not a cockroach.
I don't believe it, and neither does Hailey.
He's the man in the rainbow castle A friend to you and Huh? Nick! Yeah, what is it? Uh, nothing.
Blue, it's great to see you In here, I mean.
An angel of grace and light, as usual.
Cut the shit, brother.
I'm here to tell you something.
I'm here to tell you about the nightmares you've been having.
I sleep like a little pink baby.
About the blackouts, about the things that you can't remember.
Well, there's a perfect reason What's that sound? Nothing in the world is going to bring back my sweet Mikey, but believe me, I'm going to take a lifetime's worth of satisfaction in knowing that the last great thing he did on this earth was to screw you over.
Mikey? No.
Mikey gave me a password.
There was no password, you moron.
Mikey carried an ancient spirits, an evil thing, passed from the old dawn to you, like a virus, like AIDS.
I know I know what a virus is, Isa Do you hear that sound? There's something living in your mind, Blue.
You can feel it, can't you? Scratching in the dark, trying to get out.
Isabella, Isabella.
It's a name of Hebrew origin.
Did you know? It means "devoted to God.
" Beautiful name.
Devout.
Why are you talking like Madonna? Come closer.
I need to tell you a secret.
Something about Mikey, something even his mother didn't know.
And who is this vision? You don't know who I am, but I know who you are.
Orcus, god of death.
You've been passing down for ages, from Scaramucci to Scaramucci.
How many times have you passed from body to body? More than I can count with all my fingers, with all my toes.
But this time, it was different.
The transfer was corrupted.
It is like you unplug your device before the update is complete.
Two lousy souls sharing one pasty, white body.
And you will be living in that prison, in that body, forever.
Bella, Orcus lives in our bloodline.
We don't need Blue.
Let me enter you.
Let me come inside you.
- Um - Let me leave this graceless, flaccid sack of flesh behind.
Together, you and I will rule.
That will never happen.
Don't be so sure, harridan.
She's the last of the Scaramucci.
Yeah, so suck it.
Wait, what? Never be free! Never be free! You will never be free Never! 40K a year Them sisters ought to be wearing masks.
What the hell is wrong with public school, anyway? Plenty of good Americans went to public school, right? Lincoln.
- Einstein.
- Oprah.
I'm supposed to make that kind of money driving a cab.
Uber! Taking out the trash, that's what I'm good at.
And by "trash," I mean people who need to get whacked.
You promised.
No whacking.
How the hell is anyone supposed to keep their head above water in this stinking town without killing people? Um, right here is good.
I thought you said uptown.
Did I? There you go, buddy.
Get that paper.
You see that? Get that money.
I don't know, Hap.
Maybe California ain't looking so bad.
Nick, can I ask you something? - Something kind of personal - Who's this asshole? Shit, shit, shit.
Yeah, well, the world's full of it, pal.
So you got a particular destination in mind, or what? Listen, you look like a "can-do" kind of guy.
Hear that all the time.
I need a girl for a party.
My own date just ran off on me, and I don't want to look like an asshole showing up alone.
Yeah, well, you know, I got to tell you, that ain't really my line of work.
- It's just a party, man.
- Look, pal.
I realize I may not give off the rosiest first impression, but I'm not quite sure where you'd arrive at the rather presumptuous notion I'll give you 1,000 bucks if you find me a girl.
Hm? You're a life-saver, bro.
I am.
I really am.
So, um, I'm assuming there's going to be other girls at this party? Yeah, of course, baby.
You don't mind me asking, what's your blood type? Yeah, this is it.
Wow, Sax.
I really owe you for this one.
Excuse me for trying to throw a friend a bone.
- You're friends? - All right, all right, look.
You heard the guy.
It's a party.
A little conversation, a little dancing.
Oh, God, can't I just blow everyone and be done with it? Really? Is romance really that dead? Now, I'm not saying there's anything, um, untoward about this situation, but should anything arise that involves certain acts Of an adult nature, I mean I think we should negotiate some consideration.
Uh, why are you talking like that? - 20%.
- 10.
- 15.
- Did you bring a calculator? All right, 10.
This is her.
Well, yeah.
Seems legit.
What, no music? There you go.
You changing into this.
Ah, costumes.
That's fun.
We could dance and party - All night - All night And drink some cherry wine Uh-huh Maybe I ought to just stick around, - make sure everything's okay.
- You know what? Just wait for me outside.
What the fuck you looking at? Sax, would you please just get the hell out of here and let me do my job? You're making everything weird.
Na, na Just slow down I'm making it weird? A man wants to be approached Cool and romantically "I'm" making it weird.
I've got needs Why do things have to change, Nick? Oh, the big questions, huh? What brought that on? Look, Hap, you can't fight it.
The rain gutters are stuffed with poor suckers who thought they could hang on to the way it was.
Change is inevitable.
Then why haven't you changed that shirt in three weeks? Hap, you want to make yourself useful? Of course I do.
Fly your tiny little blue ass up into that party, take a look around, tell me if there's anything - funny going on.
- Like, funny "haha?" No, the other kind.
Guys, even for me, this is fucked up.
- Nick! - Sweet Jesus.
That's the silliest kind of party I ever saw, Nick.
There's a big bathtub full of ice but no sodas in it, and a yellow guy in the back hooked up to a giant juice box.
What do you mean "yellow?" Like, Chinese? Nick, that's offensive.
I mean yellow, like a pineapple popsicle.
Wait, wait! And up! Spill on aisle three.
Look, I'm as open-minded as anyone More so, as a point of fact But I think we can all agree.
This is no one's idea of a party.
Yo, taxi driver, get the fuck out of here.
You talking to me? Anyway, look, let's not get carried away, all right? I think that we find ourselves in a bit of a pickle, you know? But I know that we can, um find a way to solve our problems, you know, constructively, using, um, sensible, adult techniques such as Discussion! Negotiation and compromise.
Um That wasn't my fault.
You're going to be fine.
Yeah, you're good.
You know, more accidents happen in the workplace.
You're gonna be fine.
Uh Oh, boy.
I mean all right, look, but he he came at me I mean that as a compliment.
- Nick! - Ah whoa! Ah, cheeseburgers.
Son of a bitch.
You're a heavy bastard.
It's nothing personal, pal.
This is just for your own good.
Consider it like time out.
Hey, fedora.
Look, your guys are going to get hurt.
Let's just everyone Right? Well, I hope that you have learned a very valuable lesson tonight.
I know I have.
When we deal with our problems out of a place of anger, bad things happen.
But when we confront them with kindness Fuck it! But Nick, you promised you wouldn't kill anyone - No guns.
- You killed everyone! There's corpses.
How would you - What happened? - Nick, why? - Eh - Entrails, bones.
Blood just, all blood! - Is that a liver? - How can I think it's more of a spleen.
You, what's something like that worth? $500, maybe.
How about a kidney? In good condition? Over 100,000, easy.
Holy giblets, I'm standing in the middle of a goddamn gold mine of blood and guts.
Now, what would you say qualifies as good condition? Bad dream, baby? I don't remember.
You don't have anything to be afraid of.
All the bad people who tried to hurt you are either gone, or locked up somewhere where they can never get out again.
All of them? All of them.
What do you have in mind for him? No, no, don't tell me.
I I love surprises.
How did you get in here? When you're as rich and famous as I am, let's just say it pays to keep tabs on your employees Even a gold star go-getter like you, left to their own devices, the next thing you know, the stenographer is downloading granny porn on company time.
Please put that down.
I'll let you get back to work.
That lady cop, you know, the one that put Blue Scaramucci in jail Whatever happened to her? You had her thrown off the force.
Ruined her life, remember? Did I? Huh.
Oh, and the other one.
The big the big, smelly one.
- Nick Tuba, right? - Sax.
Sax, that's it.
What happened to him? How would I know? Ah, well, we have bigger fish to fry, don't we, my floppy-eared friend.
But maybe I should have just killed him anyway.
You know, revenge.
I mean, everybody loves revenge, right? Even you.
I am a professional, Mr.
Shine.
My focus is my work, and only my work.
I don't have a vengeful bone in my body.