Happy! (2017) s01e08 Episode Script
I Am The Future
1 Great, big, nasty, penises.
Happily on previous - No one believes in me.
- ALL: We believe in you.
- You're shot.
- Yeah, but it's a heart attack I just had that's really got my attention.
Gotta join a spin class, eat more kale.
Amanda, it's me.
Where are you? He's got her.
It's gotta be him.
- Who has her? - Sonny Shine.
Amanda's a goddamn pit bull.
She can take care of herself.
[SCREAMING.]
The guy you're looking for reminds me of a fellow we all knew.
Ended up hanging himself.
He had a kid, that one.
Wound up institutionalized.
I wonder some nights, where's that little boy? I know who's naughty and who's nice.
You wanna stay with me, don't you? With my other nice kids.
You can't touch me unless you believe in me.
[STRUGGLING.]
What the hell am I? I'm an errand boy for psychopaths.
But once I get that password, those days are over.
- We get Blue, we get your kid.
- Ow.
Maybe this is the moment that I can stand for something other than just my own skin.
- Nick, hurry! - [GRUNTS.]
- Hailey! - Too late.
She's gone.
All right, "Monkey Pants" callbacks, August 16.
All right, go ahead.
Slate it.
Oh, uh, Benji Peters, A.
T.
P.
I'm 5'4" and I'm auditioning for Really? You think we should put on our Monkey Pants? That sounds fun.
You know what it means when we put on our Monkey Pants.
It means it's time to Monkey Dance! [CHUCKLING.]
Yeah! Lenny Donnelly, 5'6".
I'm auditioning for It means it's time to Monkey Dance! Oh, oh, oh, oh, stop! Monkey Time! [MIMICS MONKEY.]
Uh, excuse me? And you are? Sheinberg, Louis, J.
Uh, I don't see you on our Excuse me, who are you repped by? [INHALES DEEPLY.]
- Uh, Mr.
Sheinberg, is it? - [EXHALES.]
[GLAM ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
Ow don't wet your bed, take all your meds Look a woozy wainbow inside your pretty heads No more monkey pants I put you in a trance Let's have some joie de vivre Just like they do in Paris, France [GRUNTING SOFTLY.]
Security! Ah No! No! Hey! [LAUGHS CRAZILY.]
Choke on my pearls, you swine! [LAUGHING.]
This is the future! I am I am the future! [CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
The kids are gone, Mr.
Shine.
- All of them? - All of them.
[DARK MUSIC.]
["DECK THE HALLS".]
[GROWLS.]
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING.]
- [SCREAMING.]
Fa la la la la Listen to you sing.
You're a regular little Bitch Perfect.
Jingle Bells Knife your mother's guts Twist it all the way What was that? Hmm? [GRUNTS.]
I'll kill her, Merry.
You're gonna watch her die.
[WHIMPERS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, I don't think so.
[GRUNTS, LAUGHS.]
But I'll tell you what.
I'll make sure to send an invite for her funeral to your cell at Rikers.
You won't be able to attend, of course, but feel free to send flowers.
Mm-hmm, that's right.
Your leverage over me is resting peacefully in a body bag at County.
Worse Christmas ever, huh? - [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING.]
- [SCREAMING.]
["DECK THE HALLS".]
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
It is my fault.
She believed in me and I failed.
Look at me.
I'm fading away.
I my color, my coat.
I used to be as blue as a blueberry snow cone and now I You're still very blue.
- [RECORD SCRATCHES.]
- Holy shit! [GRUNTING.]
Could we make this quick? I plan on being at home in front of a crackling fire by Christmas morning.
[BOTH GRUNT.]
- Where is he? - Saint Nick.
[BOTH GRUNT.]
Ah! Ah! [GROANING.]
Psycho Claus, you're gonna tell me where he is or I'm gonna treat you like my Christmas Day turkey.
Complete with lead pudding.
Oh, he took her.
Didn't he? Well, he is a collector.
I've known that for years.
You probably got a lifetime of psycho-sexual therapy bills headed your way.
That is if she survives.
[GRUNTS.]
- [GUN CLICKS.]
- Nick, no.
No.
- [SIREN WAILS.]
- Nick, I got something.
I think I know how to find Santa.
Nick, my plan involves torture.
There once was a lonely little boy that talked to a sock And an Imaginary Friend was born.
But you left that little boy.
Why? I don't know what you're talking about.
You're wasting your time.
- Am I? - [STATIC, INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
["STUCK IN THE MIDDLE" BY STEALERS WHEEL PLAYING.]
Well I don't know why I came here tonight I got the feeling that something ain't right I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right Here I am stuck in the middle with you Please, no! I'm looking at you, I'm thinking: Footsies are just about the most ticklish things ever.
I wonder if that goes for stinky socks too.
Losing control and I'm all over the place Sweet baby Jesus [LAUGHING.]
Oh, no, please.
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY.]
Stuck in the middle with you - Please! - Was that as good for you as it was for me? What kind of monster are you? I'm Imaginary Friend.
We're all Imaginary Friends.
A brother and sisterhood of strawberry frosting and dreams.
And you've been a very bad sock.
- No.
- You abandoned your friend when he needed you the most.
You left him alone with nothing but a little yarn, a few buttons, and the whack-a-doodle thoughts inside his head.
Didn't you? [TENSE MUSIC.]
[EMOTIONALLY.]
I'm so ashamed.
He saw things.
Things no child should ever see.
They drugged him, locked him away.
I was all he had.
But he didn't stay locked up forever.
I kept thinking, "He'll grow up, he'll leave me behind.
" But it never happened.
He didn't want to grow up.
Ever.
And then he started to hurt people.
I couldn't bear to watch what he did to them.
[CRIES.]
So I ran.
[SOBS.]
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
I know you all feel scared and abandoned.
The day always comes when our friends don't need us anymore.
But right now, someone does need you.
This is your chance to do something.
To have a purpose for maybe the last time.
We may have lost our friends, but we found each other.
Together, we can do things no one ever imagined.
We just have to believe.
We believe in you, Happy.
ALL: We believe in you.
Now tell us where he is.
[GULPS.]
[DARK MUSIC.]
Well, this has turned into a hot little mess, now hasn't it.
There's gonna be some very unhappy goddamn campers when those packages don't show up on Christmas morning.
Hope you're pleased with yourself.
And really, what's your daughter? What's one little girl? There'll be thousands more just like her in the audience tonight.
I mean, is it really worth all this? I guess it's just a matter of perspective.
[GRUNTS, BREATHES HEAVILY.]
You'll be erased.
This is the future and you're not a part of it.
I'm the future.
[SCOFFS.]
Children [LAUGHING.]
Chil "Children are the future.
" That's very good.
That's touché.
Yeah, you're on a roll.
And soon to be in a hole.
Bam! [HUMS.]
Oh, it's a gift from the Sultan of something.
I'm gonna go get dressed.
Remember? It's the Wishtacular? It's tonight.
At least one of us has something to look forward to.
Clean up all this ugly stuff.
["O TANNENBAUM" PLAYING.]
They want you to look all grown up, but you're not grown up.
- You're little.
- ALL: O Tanennbaum [WHISPERS.]
Like you should be.
Yeah.
Grown ups they try to steal everything that makes you special.
It makes me so mad.
It makes me wa - Makes me want to - [GRUNTS.]
Oh.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
O Tannenbaum [SIGHS.]
[DISTANT THUDDING.]
We have to go.
[THUDDING.]
[DARK MUSIC.]
[GRUNTS.]
And here we are yet again.
Come on, Nick.
This way.
I want to remind you, we're here on the word of a sock puppet.
I mean This whole thing just seems a little sketchy to me.
What I'm saying is, this, uh so-called intel source of yours, you sure he's on the level and not just blowing powdered sugar up your ass? Trust me, Nick.
He was highly motivated.
- Uh? - This is it.
[GRUNTS.]
[SIGHS.]
All right.
[SNIFFS.]
Show 'em to me.
So you're telling me that this door leads to a dark subterranean lair right underneath Gimbel Brothers where Shitty-Pants Santa, who's neck I'm gonna break when I find that son of a bitch, took my kid? And I am fully aware that I am talking to a unicorn, but I gotta tell you, even my credulity has its limits.
[LOCK CLICKS.]
All right then.
[BELLS JINGLING.]
[LAUGHING.]
Where are we going? [GRUNTS.]
Toyland.
Toyland.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
[DOOR CREAKS.]
[GRUNTING.]
[STRAINING.]
Toyland Toyland [LAUGHS.]
Toyland.
Little girl and boy land If you dwell within it You're very happy there Within it childhood joy land [GIGGLES.]
Mystic merry toy land Once you cross its borders You can never go back again [LAUGHS.]
Never return again [MUSIC STOPS.]
- [GRUNTING, MUTTERING.]
- [METAL CLANGING.]
I used to have a pretend friend.
[MUSIC RESUMES, FADES IN SLOWLY.]
Like you.
Toyland [LAUGHS.]
But now I have new friends.
So many friends.
[DARK MUSIC.]
Once you pass Its borders You'll never [DARK MUSIC INTENSIFIES.]
[SCREAMS.]
- Mr.
Shine - Oh! God.
You look like a cruise ship got torpedoed with Liberace's corpse.
I don't know who you are.
But I'm not interested.
Who let you in here? Backstage pass.
Oh, you're a cop.
I've been meaning to get to those parking tickets.
Just came from your studio, Sheinberg.
Don't have to tell you what we found there.
I have facilities all over.
I rent them out when I'm not in production, which I'm not.
[INHALES.]
Russians, Chinese, Saudis.
God only knows what they do on those stages.
[THUMPING.]
I've had cops before.
Sexually, I mean.
It's over.
- Excuse me? - All this.
The Man Who Made Christmas.
The Three Wishes Guy.
I'm bringing you down.
How cute.
Is there anything else I can help you with? Yeah.
Amanda Hansen.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Is this about that delusional woman who showed up at my office today? Yeah, she seemed to be suffering from some sort of paranoid schizophrenic episode.
Yeah, probably something she saw on TV.
[SQUEAKS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm no doctor.
[WHISPERS.]
It's on the wrong foot.
Where is she? [GRUNTS.]
I get it.
You're untouchable.
Probably got the bad dirty on everyone who's anyone all the way up the chain.
You're like a nuclear reactor.
You go down, you bring everyone down with you.
I've gotta be on stage in a few minutes.
[DARK MUSIC.]
It's the Sonny Shine Wishtacular.
I'm sure you've heard of it.
We raise millions for disadvantaged children.
You can go on stage, wiggle your ass and twinkle your toes for all your adoring fans.
And then I'm gonna drag you off in cuffs on live television.
It'll be as shitty as you looking right into the cameras and telling the whole world there ain't no Santa Claus.
I know you'll be out before the ink dries on your arrest report, but you'll be walking out to a wasteland formerly known as your career.
Hmm.
This Hansen woman, is this all you're asking for really? For now.
You should stop by my tower.
You might find her there.
I can't speak to her frame of mind.
Okay, you found your way in, now find your way out.
[BLOWS.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
[GRUNTS.]
- [STRAINS.]
- Uh, Nick? I got this.
I got this.
[STRAINING.]
- Nick.
- What? Look.
Good eyes.
Nick, look.
It's hers.
We're going in the right ["THE LITTLE BOY THA SANTA FORGOT" BY VERA LYNN.]
What the? It's a toy, Nick.
I know what it is.
Aww, he wants to play.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
Christmas comes but once a year - [LAUGHING.]
- For every girl and boy The laughter and joy That's the biggest kid I ever saw.
That ain't no kid.
[SLINKY CLATTERS.]
Man, see a dentist.
[THUMP.]
This little fellow's Christmas Is just another day He's the little boy That Santa Claus forgot And goodness knows he didn't want a lot This is gonna pinch.
Just a little.
[WHISPERS.]
You can be little forever.
[DARK MUSIC.]
Like my other friends.
Broke his little heart When he found Santa hadn't come [DARK MUSIC.]
[DRILL WHIRS.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
[GRUNTS.]
- [SHOUTS.]
- [SCREAMS.]
[ROARS.]
[SCREAMS.]
[GRUNTING.]
[SCREAMS, GROANS.]
Oh, Nick! - [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
- Nick! Hailey.
Find Hailey.
[EERIE MUSIC.]
Oh, fuck.
No thanks.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[GRUNTS.]
You can't do this to people.
- [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
- Amanda, you all right? This is evil.
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
Merry.
They I know.
They can't get away with this.
They can.
But not forever.
Okay? Nick's found Hailey.
Come on.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
[GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTS.]
Why don't you pick on someone your own size? Happy, you came back.
[GROWLING.]
[GRUNTING, SHOUTING.]
Run! - [GRUNTING.]
- [CROWBAR PINGS.]
Hey! [GRUNTS.]
[BEAR TRAP CREAKING, BLOOD DRIPPING.]
[STRAINS.]
[EXHALES.]
I just keep discovering bold new frontiers of suck.
[GRUNTS.]
[STRAINS.]
[GROANS.]
[GRUNTS, STRAINS.]
No.
No, no, no, no [MUFFLED.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[ELEVATOR CLANGS, WHIRS.]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING RAPIDLY.]
[SCREAMS.]
[SHOUTS.]
Stop! - [FABRIC RIPPING.]
- No! [GRUNTS, GROWLS.]
[GRUNTING.]
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
[SHOUTS.]
[GRUNTS.]
[GROANS.]
[HAILEY SCREAMS.]
[DARK MUSIC.]
[GROWLS.]
[GIGGLES.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- Leave me alone! [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
[CHUCKLES EVILLY, SHOUTS.]
Hmm, minty.
[SHOUTING.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
[SIREN WAILING.]
[DOOR SLAMS.]
Help, please! He's coming! Help! [CRYING.]
Help.
Help! Don't be afraid.
Don't be afraid.
When my daddy went away they made me grow up.
[EERIE SOMBER MUSIC.]
Gave me medicine.
I didn't want I didn't want to I didn't want to be scary.
You don't have to be.
No, no, it's too late.
But I can save you.
I can save you.
[SNIFFLES.]
I had to grow up, but you don't have to.
You don't have to ever grow up.
[DARK MUSIC.]
Hold my hand And we will fly away together.
Before the police get here.
Before they see what I did.
Come on.
Take my hand.
Take.
- My.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
[SCREAMS.]
No.
[GRUNTS.]
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Uh.
It's all right.
I'm I'm, uh [SOFT MUSIC.]
Well, I'm, uh [GRUNTS.]
Happy sent me.
Daddy? Daddy! [BOTH GRUNTING.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
I'm the spirit of Christmas.
- [GROANS.]
- I've walked these roof tops for a long time.
The only thing that can hurt me is magic.
Hocus pocus, motherfucker.
[BOTH GRUNT.]
- [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
- [HEARTBEAT.]
[GROANS.]
Not now.
Ah, not again.
[GROANING.]
[GRUNTING.]
[STRANGLED GROAN, GASPING.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
You're not magic.
They'll see.
You can't even fly.
Maybe not.
But I can.
And I brought Friends.
Cut him, Twig.
[GRUNTS.]
Let's re-gift this fruitcake! [OVERLAPPING SHOUTING, GRUNTING.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Daddy, are you okay? [GASPING.]
Pills.
Pocket pills [SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Hey oh! Hey, no, let go! Look out! Look out! No! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
Watch watch out! Oh, God! - [GRUNTS.]
- Ow! Santa's coming! Santa's coming! I don't wanna ruin Christmas for you, but there comes a time when every kid has to face the truth There ain't no fucking Santa Claus.
[GUNSHOT.]
["I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS".]
I'll be home for Christmas You can plan on me Please have snow - [NECK SNAPS.]
- [MUSIC STOPS.]
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[CREAKING.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
What? [CRYING.]
I told Sonny Shine I only wanted one wish.
I wanted to meet my dad.
[GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTING.]
Hailey.
- Hailey! - Mommy! Oh, God.
[CRYING.]
Oh.
Are you okay? You were right.
About another stocking on the mantle.
You were right.
Maybe one weekend We'll talk about it.
That'd make me happy.
You definitely deserve a nap, buddy.
We did it, Nick.
I never stopped believing in you.
[HEARTBEAT SLOWLY.]
Likewise.
But this ain't no nap.
This is bye-bye.
What do you mean? No, Nick.
Nick, we won.
Yeah, we did.
Thanks to you partner.
Cue the music.
And fade to black.
You know, I was starting to get used to you being dead.
Yeah, I always thought I'd prefer it, but now I may just stick around, see how it plays out.
Got some good news for you and the fam.
- Yeah? - Word on the street is when Nick Sax died, he took Blue's so-called password with him.
"Word on the street"? Your heart stopped for eight minutes.
Hmm.
That's impressive.
Thought I thought I finally got rid of you.
Anyway.
You know, if I were you, I would take advantage of my new reputation.
Lay low for a while.
Hear California's nice.
California? It's not my kind of dirty.
Besides, I hate avocados.
How's your kid holding up? She's gonna be all right.
She's tough.
Like her mom.
[SIGHS.]
You know, this world may not be all glitter and tinsel, but there are a few people in it that make it work.
You're one of 'em.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
You know what you did, right? You gave me my daughter, Mer.
You're my hero.
You don't get to take that one back.
- I don't want it back.
- Good.
'Cause I'm keeping it.
- All right, keep it.
- I will.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
All right, see you around the block.
- Where you going? - Eh, I got a date.
- Ah.
- Gonna I don't know, go out to Coney Island, - grab some ice cream.
- It's winter.
Yeah, I'm new to this.
What do I know? All right, well, if that's the case, you might wanna slap a little aftershave on.
You smell like you murdered a hooker.
That obvious? Thanks.
[SCOFFS.]
Nick was right.
I look completely ridiculous.
Is my nose really that big? It's the cutest, funniest nose I ever saw.
I just wanted to say I'm so glad I got the chance to be your Imaginary Friend, Hailey.
I had no idea it would be so much fun, and scary too.
Happy, you look different.
How come I can see through you? It's because well, you're growing up, and you have your daddy now.
And someday you'll forget all about that silly horse.
But you're my best friend.
Even if you are imaginary.
Why do you have to go? That's how it is with Imaginary Friends.
We can't stay forever.
Otherwise, it can get a bit you know, creepy.
Where will you go if nobody needs you anymore? Oh, I don't know, somewhere fun.
I hope.
I and who knows.
Maybe there is someone who needs me somewhere.
Come to think of it, I better practice my song.
I'm happy The happy horse, horse, horse So full of fun of course, of course It's plain to see it's fun to be Happy Happy The happy horse, horse, horse So full of love of course [WHISPERS.]
Of course I'll never forget you.
Come on, sweetheart.
Let's go meet your dad.
Come on, Sax, you got this.
It's a movie.
You just sit down and and you don't even have to talk.
Oh, boy, this is worse than I thought.
- What the hell? - Talking to yourself, buddy? People are gonna think you're shit-house cray cray.
- Why are you here? - Nick, I can't abandon you in your darkest hour.
What kind of partner is that? ["DANCE OF THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRY" BY TCHAIKOVSKY.]
What are you talk [LAUGHS.]
What are you what? "My darkest hour"? You said it yourself.
We won.
We killed the bad guy.
We saved the kid.
What have you been nipping at the coffee syrup.
[SCOFFS.]
I've never felt so solid in all my life.
I'm a I'm a goddamn royal flush.
[STAMMERS.]
I'm white night.
I'm I'm the hero that she always thought I was.
I'm I'm terrified, man.
I don't know what I'm do I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't even know how to talk to her.
There, there, buddy.
I got you.
I know everything about Hailey.
All her secret hopes, - her dreams - Yeah, you know everything.
You know everything! I don't know nothing! [STAMMERS.]
[WHISPERS.]
I don't know nothing about being a dad.
You're just gonna do what comes naturally.
What come What comes naturally.
Dismemberment comes naturally to me! What are you doing? You're Hailey's little buddy.
- Wh go bother her.
- But well, about that.
- See - Oh, man.
See, the thing about Imaginary Friends is, we're kind of supposed to help out the person who needs us the most.
What? You You uh Mm.
Did [STAMMERING.]
Are you saying what I think you're saying? - Here it comes.
- [GAGS.]
- Yeah, it is.
- Here comes the fun.
- Oh, boy, here it comes.
- Are you ready? [GAGS, VOMITS, COUGHS.]
I think someone needs a little shot of liquid courage.
Maybe a bump of booger sugar.
Right? ["BACK DOOR SANTA" BY CLARENCE CARTER.]
They call me Back Door Santa - I make my runs - [BUZZER SOUNDS.]
About the break of day [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
They call me Back Door Santa I make my runs about the break of day Oh, ho, ho.
I make all the little girls happy While the boys are out to play [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[DARK MUSIC.]
Michelangelo.
I was beginning to wonder if I'd ever see you again.
- Blue.
- Mm-hmm.
Now.
Have you finally brought me that which is mine? [EXHALES.]
[GRUNTING.]
- [SCREAMS.]
- [BONES CRUNCHING.]
[FAINT SCREAMS.]
[GROANS.]
Mr.
Scaramucci? You all right? I'm hungry.
Happily on previous - No one believes in me.
- ALL: We believe in you.
- You're shot.
- Yeah, but it's a heart attack I just had that's really got my attention.
Gotta join a spin class, eat more kale.
Amanda, it's me.
Where are you? He's got her.
It's gotta be him.
- Who has her? - Sonny Shine.
Amanda's a goddamn pit bull.
She can take care of herself.
[SCREAMING.]
The guy you're looking for reminds me of a fellow we all knew.
Ended up hanging himself.
He had a kid, that one.
Wound up institutionalized.
I wonder some nights, where's that little boy? I know who's naughty and who's nice.
You wanna stay with me, don't you? With my other nice kids.
You can't touch me unless you believe in me.
[STRUGGLING.]
What the hell am I? I'm an errand boy for psychopaths.
But once I get that password, those days are over.
- We get Blue, we get your kid.
- Ow.
Maybe this is the moment that I can stand for something other than just my own skin.
- Nick, hurry! - [GRUNTS.]
- Hailey! - Too late.
She's gone.
All right, "Monkey Pants" callbacks, August 16.
All right, go ahead.
Slate it.
Oh, uh, Benji Peters, A.
T.
P.
I'm 5'4" and I'm auditioning for Really? You think we should put on our Monkey Pants? That sounds fun.
You know what it means when we put on our Monkey Pants.
It means it's time to Monkey Dance! [CHUCKLING.]
Yeah! Lenny Donnelly, 5'6".
I'm auditioning for It means it's time to Monkey Dance! Oh, oh, oh, oh, stop! Monkey Time! [MIMICS MONKEY.]
Uh, excuse me? And you are? Sheinberg, Louis, J.
Uh, I don't see you on our Excuse me, who are you repped by? [INHALES DEEPLY.]
- Uh, Mr.
Sheinberg, is it? - [EXHALES.]
[GLAM ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
Ow don't wet your bed, take all your meds Look a woozy wainbow inside your pretty heads No more monkey pants I put you in a trance Let's have some joie de vivre Just like they do in Paris, France [GRUNTING SOFTLY.]
Security! Ah No! No! Hey! [LAUGHS CRAZILY.]
Choke on my pearls, you swine! [LAUGHING.]
This is the future! I am I am the future! [CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
The kids are gone, Mr.
Shine.
- All of them? - All of them.
[DARK MUSIC.]
["DECK THE HALLS".]
[GROWLS.]
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING.]
- [SCREAMING.]
Fa la la la la Listen to you sing.
You're a regular little Bitch Perfect.
Jingle Bells Knife your mother's guts Twist it all the way What was that? Hmm? [GRUNTS.]
I'll kill her, Merry.
You're gonna watch her die.
[WHIMPERS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, I don't think so.
[GRUNTS, LAUGHS.]
But I'll tell you what.
I'll make sure to send an invite for her funeral to your cell at Rikers.
You won't be able to attend, of course, but feel free to send flowers.
Mm-hmm, that's right.
Your leverage over me is resting peacefully in a body bag at County.
Worse Christmas ever, huh? - [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING.]
- [SCREAMING.]
["DECK THE HALLS".]
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
It is my fault.
She believed in me and I failed.
Look at me.
I'm fading away.
I my color, my coat.
I used to be as blue as a blueberry snow cone and now I You're still very blue.
- [RECORD SCRATCHES.]
- Holy shit! [GRUNTING.]
Could we make this quick? I plan on being at home in front of a crackling fire by Christmas morning.
[BOTH GRUNT.]
- Where is he? - Saint Nick.
[BOTH GRUNT.]
Ah! Ah! [GROANING.]
Psycho Claus, you're gonna tell me where he is or I'm gonna treat you like my Christmas Day turkey.
Complete with lead pudding.
Oh, he took her.
Didn't he? Well, he is a collector.
I've known that for years.
You probably got a lifetime of psycho-sexual therapy bills headed your way.
That is if she survives.
[GRUNTS.]
- [GUN CLICKS.]
- Nick, no.
No.
- [SIREN WAILS.]
- Nick, I got something.
I think I know how to find Santa.
Nick, my plan involves torture.
There once was a lonely little boy that talked to a sock And an Imaginary Friend was born.
But you left that little boy.
Why? I don't know what you're talking about.
You're wasting your time.
- Am I? - [STATIC, INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
["STUCK IN THE MIDDLE" BY STEALERS WHEEL PLAYING.]
Well I don't know why I came here tonight I got the feeling that something ain't right I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right Here I am stuck in the middle with you Please, no! I'm looking at you, I'm thinking: Footsies are just about the most ticklish things ever.
I wonder if that goes for stinky socks too.
Losing control and I'm all over the place Sweet baby Jesus [LAUGHING.]
Oh, no, please.
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY.]
Stuck in the middle with you - Please! - Was that as good for you as it was for me? What kind of monster are you? I'm Imaginary Friend.
We're all Imaginary Friends.
A brother and sisterhood of strawberry frosting and dreams.
And you've been a very bad sock.
- No.
- You abandoned your friend when he needed you the most.
You left him alone with nothing but a little yarn, a few buttons, and the whack-a-doodle thoughts inside his head.
Didn't you? [TENSE MUSIC.]
[EMOTIONALLY.]
I'm so ashamed.
He saw things.
Things no child should ever see.
They drugged him, locked him away.
I was all he had.
But he didn't stay locked up forever.
I kept thinking, "He'll grow up, he'll leave me behind.
" But it never happened.
He didn't want to grow up.
Ever.
And then he started to hurt people.
I couldn't bear to watch what he did to them.
[CRIES.]
So I ran.
[SOBS.]
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
I know you all feel scared and abandoned.
The day always comes when our friends don't need us anymore.
But right now, someone does need you.
This is your chance to do something.
To have a purpose for maybe the last time.
We may have lost our friends, but we found each other.
Together, we can do things no one ever imagined.
We just have to believe.
We believe in you, Happy.
ALL: We believe in you.
Now tell us where he is.
[GULPS.]
[DARK MUSIC.]
Well, this has turned into a hot little mess, now hasn't it.
There's gonna be some very unhappy goddamn campers when those packages don't show up on Christmas morning.
Hope you're pleased with yourself.
And really, what's your daughter? What's one little girl? There'll be thousands more just like her in the audience tonight.
I mean, is it really worth all this? I guess it's just a matter of perspective.
[GRUNTS, BREATHES HEAVILY.]
You'll be erased.
This is the future and you're not a part of it.
I'm the future.
[SCOFFS.]
Children [LAUGHING.]
Chil "Children are the future.
" That's very good.
That's touché.
Yeah, you're on a roll.
And soon to be in a hole.
Bam! [HUMS.]
Oh, it's a gift from the Sultan of something.
I'm gonna go get dressed.
Remember? It's the Wishtacular? It's tonight.
At least one of us has something to look forward to.
Clean up all this ugly stuff.
["O TANNENBAUM" PLAYING.]
They want you to look all grown up, but you're not grown up.
- You're little.
- ALL: O Tanennbaum [WHISPERS.]
Like you should be.
Yeah.
Grown ups they try to steal everything that makes you special.
It makes me so mad.
It makes me wa - Makes me want to - [GRUNTS.]
Oh.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
O Tannenbaum [SIGHS.]
[DISTANT THUDDING.]
We have to go.
[THUDDING.]
[DARK MUSIC.]
[GRUNTS.]
And here we are yet again.
Come on, Nick.
This way.
I want to remind you, we're here on the word of a sock puppet.
I mean This whole thing just seems a little sketchy to me.
What I'm saying is, this, uh so-called intel source of yours, you sure he's on the level and not just blowing powdered sugar up your ass? Trust me, Nick.
He was highly motivated.
- Uh? - This is it.
[GRUNTS.]
[SIGHS.]
All right.
[SNIFFS.]
Show 'em to me.
So you're telling me that this door leads to a dark subterranean lair right underneath Gimbel Brothers where Shitty-Pants Santa, who's neck I'm gonna break when I find that son of a bitch, took my kid? And I am fully aware that I am talking to a unicorn, but I gotta tell you, even my credulity has its limits.
[LOCK CLICKS.]
All right then.
[BELLS JINGLING.]
[LAUGHING.]
Where are we going? [GRUNTS.]
Toyland.
Toyland.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
[DOOR CREAKS.]
[GRUNTING.]
[STRAINING.]
Toyland Toyland [LAUGHS.]
Toyland.
Little girl and boy land If you dwell within it You're very happy there Within it childhood joy land [GIGGLES.]
Mystic merry toy land Once you cross its borders You can never go back again [LAUGHS.]
Never return again [MUSIC STOPS.]
- [GRUNTING, MUTTERING.]
- [METAL CLANGING.]
I used to have a pretend friend.
[MUSIC RESUMES, FADES IN SLOWLY.]
Like you.
Toyland [LAUGHS.]
But now I have new friends.
So many friends.
[DARK MUSIC.]
Once you pass Its borders You'll never [DARK MUSIC INTENSIFIES.]
[SCREAMS.]
- Mr.
Shine - Oh! God.
You look like a cruise ship got torpedoed with Liberace's corpse.
I don't know who you are.
But I'm not interested.
Who let you in here? Backstage pass.
Oh, you're a cop.
I've been meaning to get to those parking tickets.
Just came from your studio, Sheinberg.
Don't have to tell you what we found there.
I have facilities all over.
I rent them out when I'm not in production, which I'm not.
[INHALES.]
Russians, Chinese, Saudis.
God only knows what they do on those stages.
[THUMPING.]
I've had cops before.
Sexually, I mean.
It's over.
- Excuse me? - All this.
The Man Who Made Christmas.
The Three Wishes Guy.
I'm bringing you down.
How cute.
Is there anything else I can help you with? Yeah.
Amanda Hansen.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Is this about that delusional woman who showed up at my office today? Yeah, she seemed to be suffering from some sort of paranoid schizophrenic episode.
Yeah, probably something she saw on TV.
[SQUEAKS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm no doctor.
[WHISPERS.]
It's on the wrong foot.
Where is she? [GRUNTS.]
I get it.
You're untouchable.
Probably got the bad dirty on everyone who's anyone all the way up the chain.
You're like a nuclear reactor.
You go down, you bring everyone down with you.
I've gotta be on stage in a few minutes.
[DARK MUSIC.]
It's the Sonny Shine Wishtacular.
I'm sure you've heard of it.
We raise millions for disadvantaged children.
You can go on stage, wiggle your ass and twinkle your toes for all your adoring fans.
And then I'm gonna drag you off in cuffs on live television.
It'll be as shitty as you looking right into the cameras and telling the whole world there ain't no Santa Claus.
I know you'll be out before the ink dries on your arrest report, but you'll be walking out to a wasteland formerly known as your career.
Hmm.
This Hansen woman, is this all you're asking for really? For now.
You should stop by my tower.
You might find her there.
I can't speak to her frame of mind.
Okay, you found your way in, now find your way out.
[BLOWS.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
[GRUNTS.]
- [STRAINS.]
- Uh, Nick? I got this.
I got this.
[STRAINING.]
- Nick.
- What? Look.
Good eyes.
Nick, look.
It's hers.
We're going in the right ["THE LITTLE BOY THA SANTA FORGOT" BY VERA LYNN.]
What the? It's a toy, Nick.
I know what it is.
Aww, he wants to play.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
Christmas comes but once a year - [LAUGHING.]
- For every girl and boy The laughter and joy That's the biggest kid I ever saw.
That ain't no kid.
[SLINKY CLATTERS.]
Man, see a dentist.
[THUMP.]
This little fellow's Christmas Is just another day He's the little boy That Santa Claus forgot And goodness knows he didn't want a lot This is gonna pinch.
Just a little.
[WHISPERS.]
You can be little forever.
[DARK MUSIC.]
Like my other friends.
Broke his little heart When he found Santa hadn't come [DARK MUSIC.]
[DRILL WHIRS.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
[GRUNTS.]
- [SHOUTS.]
- [SCREAMS.]
[ROARS.]
[SCREAMS.]
[GRUNTING.]
[SCREAMS, GROANS.]
Oh, Nick! - [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
- Nick! Hailey.
Find Hailey.
[EERIE MUSIC.]
Oh, fuck.
No thanks.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[GRUNTS.]
You can't do this to people.
- [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
- Amanda, you all right? This is evil.
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
Merry.
They I know.
They can't get away with this.
They can.
But not forever.
Okay? Nick's found Hailey.
Come on.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
[GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTS.]
Why don't you pick on someone your own size? Happy, you came back.
[GROWLING.]
[GRUNTING, SHOUTING.]
Run! - [GRUNTING.]
- [CROWBAR PINGS.]
Hey! [GRUNTS.]
[BEAR TRAP CREAKING, BLOOD DRIPPING.]
[STRAINS.]
[EXHALES.]
I just keep discovering bold new frontiers of suck.
[GRUNTS.]
[STRAINS.]
[GROANS.]
[GRUNTS, STRAINS.]
No.
No, no, no, no [MUFFLED.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[ELEVATOR CLANGS, WHIRS.]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING RAPIDLY.]
[SCREAMS.]
[SHOUTS.]
Stop! - [FABRIC RIPPING.]
- No! [GRUNTS, GROWLS.]
[GRUNTING.]
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
[SHOUTS.]
[GRUNTS.]
[GROANS.]
[HAILEY SCREAMS.]
[DARK MUSIC.]
[GROWLS.]
[GIGGLES.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- Leave me alone! [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
[CHUCKLES EVILLY, SHOUTS.]
Hmm, minty.
[SHOUTING.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
[SIREN WAILING.]
[DOOR SLAMS.]
Help, please! He's coming! Help! [CRYING.]
Help.
Help! Don't be afraid.
Don't be afraid.
When my daddy went away they made me grow up.
[EERIE SOMBER MUSIC.]
Gave me medicine.
I didn't want I didn't want to I didn't want to be scary.
You don't have to be.
No, no, it's too late.
But I can save you.
I can save you.
[SNIFFLES.]
I had to grow up, but you don't have to.
You don't have to ever grow up.
[DARK MUSIC.]
Hold my hand And we will fly away together.
Before the police get here.
Before they see what I did.
Come on.
Take my hand.
Take.
- My.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
[SCREAMS.]
No.
[GRUNTS.]
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Uh.
It's all right.
I'm I'm, uh [SOFT MUSIC.]
Well, I'm, uh [GRUNTS.]
Happy sent me.
Daddy? Daddy! [BOTH GRUNTING.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
I'm the spirit of Christmas.
- [GROANS.]
- I've walked these roof tops for a long time.
The only thing that can hurt me is magic.
Hocus pocus, motherfucker.
[BOTH GRUNT.]
- [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
- [HEARTBEAT.]
[GROANS.]
Not now.
Ah, not again.
[GROANING.]
[GRUNTING.]
[STRANGLED GROAN, GASPING.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
You're not magic.
They'll see.
You can't even fly.
Maybe not.
But I can.
And I brought Friends.
Cut him, Twig.
[GRUNTS.]
Let's re-gift this fruitcake! [OVERLAPPING SHOUTING, GRUNTING.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Daddy, are you okay? [GASPING.]
Pills.
Pocket pills [SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Hey oh! Hey, no, let go! Look out! Look out! No! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
Watch watch out! Oh, God! - [GRUNTS.]
- Ow! Santa's coming! Santa's coming! I don't wanna ruin Christmas for you, but there comes a time when every kid has to face the truth There ain't no fucking Santa Claus.
[GUNSHOT.]
["I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS".]
I'll be home for Christmas You can plan on me Please have snow - [NECK SNAPS.]
- [MUSIC STOPS.]
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[CREAKING.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
What? [CRYING.]
I told Sonny Shine I only wanted one wish.
I wanted to meet my dad.
[GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTING.]
Hailey.
- Hailey! - Mommy! Oh, God.
[CRYING.]
Oh.
Are you okay? You were right.
About another stocking on the mantle.
You were right.
Maybe one weekend We'll talk about it.
That'd make me happy.
You definitely deserve a nap, buddy.
We did it, Nick.
I never stopped believing in you.
[HEARTBEAT SLOWLY.]
Likewise.
But this ain't no nap.
This is bye-bye.
What do you mean? No, Nick.
Nick, we won.
Yeah, we did.
Thanks to you partner.
Cue the music.
And fade to black.
You know, I was starting to get used to you being dead.
Yeah, I always thought I'd prefer it, but now I may just stick around, see how it plays out.
Got some good news for you and the fam.
- Yeah? - Word on the street is when Nick Sax died, he took Blue's so-called password with him.
"Word on the street"? Your heart stopped for eight minutes.
Hmm.
That's impressive.
Thought I thought I finally got rid of you.
Anyway.
You know, if I were you, I would take advantage of my new reputation.
Lay low for a while.
Hear California's nice.
California? It's not my kind of dirty.
Besides, I hate avocados.
How's your kid holding up? She's gonna be all right.
She's tough.
Like her mom.
[SIGHS.]
You know, this world may not be all glitter and tinsel, but there are a few people in it that make it work.
You're one of 'em.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
You know what you did, right? You gave me my daughter, Mer.
You're my hero.
You don't get to take that one back.
- I don't want it back.
- Good.
'Cause I'm keeping it.
- All right, keep it.
- I will.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
All right, see you around the block.
- Where you going? - Eh, I got a date.
- Ah.
- Gonna I don't know, go out to Coney Island, - grab some ice cream.
- It's winter.
Yeah, I'm new to this.
What do I know? All right, well, if that's the case, you might wanna slap a little aftershave on.
You smell like you murdered a hooker.
That obvious? Thanks.
[SCOFFS.]
Nick was right.
I look completely ridiculous.
Is my nose really that big? It's the cutest, funniest nose I ever saw.
I just wanted to say I'm so glad I got the chance to be your Imaginary Friend, Hailey.
I had no idea it would be so much fun, and scary too.
Happy, you look different.
How come I can see through you? It's because well, you're growing up, and you have your daddy now.
And someday you'll forget all about that silly horse.
But you're my best friend.
Even if you are imaginary.
Why do you have to go? That's how it is with Imaginary Friends.
We can't stay forever.
Otherwise, it can get a bit you know, creepy.
Where will you go if nobody needs you anymore? Oh, I don't know, somewhere fun.
I hope.
I and who knows.
Maybe there is someone who needs me somewhere.
Come to think of it, I better practice my song.
I'm happy The happy horse, horse, horse So full of fun of course, of course It's plain to see it's fun to be Happy Happy The happy horse, horse, horse So full of love of course [WHISPERS.]
Of course I'll never forget you.
Come on, sweetheart.
Let's go meet your dad.
Come on, Sax, you got this.
It's a movie.
You just sit down and and you don't even have to talk.
Oh, boy, this is worse than I thought.
- What the hell? - Talking to yourself, buddy? People are gonna think you're shit-house cray cray.
- Why are you here? - Nick, I can't abandon you in your darkest hour.
What kind of partner is that? ["DANCE OF THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRY" BY TCHAIKOVSKY.]
What are you talk [LAUGHS.]
What are you what? "My darkest hour"? You said it yourself.
We won.
We killed the bad guy.
We saved the kid.
What have you been nipping at the coffee syrup.
[SCOFFS.]
I've never felt so solid in all my life.
I'm a I'm a goddamn royal flush.
[STAMMERS.]
I'm white night.
I'm I'm the hero that she always thought I was.
I'm I'm terrified, man.
I don't know what I'm do I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't even know how to talk to her.
There, there, buddy.
I got you.
I know everything about Hailey.
All her secret hopes, - her dreams - Yeah, you know everything.
You know everything! I don't know nothing! [STAMMERS.]
[WHISPERS.]
I don't know nothing about being a dad.
You're just gonna do what comes naturally.
What come What comes naturally.
Dismemberment comes naturally to me! What are you doing? You're Hailey's little buddy.
- Wh go bother her.
- But well, about that.
- See - Oh, man.
See, the thing about Imaginary Friends is, we're kind of supposed to help out the person who needs us the most.
What? You You uh Mm.
Did [STAMMERING.]
Are you saying what I think you're saying? - Here it comes.
- [GAGS.]
- Yeah, it is.
- Here comes the fun.
- Oh, boy, here it comes.
- Are you ready? [GAGS, VOMITS, COUGHS.]
I think someone needs a little shot of liquid courage.
Maybe a bump of booger sugar.
Right? ["BACK DOOR SANTA" BY CLARENCE CARTER.]
They call me Back Door Santa - I make my runs - [BUZZER SOUNDS.]
About the break of day [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
They call me Back Door Santa I make my runs about the break of day Oh, ho, ho.
I make all the little girls happy While the boys are out to play [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[DARK MUSIC.]
Michelangelo.
I was beginning to wonder if I'd ever see you again.
- Blue.
- Mm-hmm.
Now.
Have you finally brought me that which is mine? [EXHALES.]
[GRUNTING.]
- [SCREAMS.]
- [BONES CRUNCHING.]
[FAINT SCREAMS.]
[GROANS.]
Mr.
Scaramucci? You all right? I'm hungry.